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You dehumanize yourself and you don't value your

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own humanity, your own feelings, your own desires,

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your own aspirations and motives, and you're really

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not paying attention to the humanity inside of

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you, then if if you don't value humanity

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inside yourself, I can guarantee you're not gonna

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value it inside of

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another person. You are listening to the sex

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addiction podcast for high achievers, business professionals, executives,

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and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever. I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder

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of The Successful Addict, a recovery group for

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high achieving men struggling with sex and porn

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addiction. For more information about joining our group

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or attending our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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I really wanted to get into the why

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behind sex addiction because I think there's a

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lot of people who who really wanna get

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into good recovery,

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but they have a hard time really understanding

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what good recovery is. What was it that

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actually caused all of this? So, I'm gonna

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explain it in a very concise way so

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that you can, again, use, hopefully, this podcast

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episode and this guidance to get into good

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recovery for yourself.

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So the first thing to understand is is

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the brain. Okay. Listen. If we're engaging in

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unwanted behavior, the brain has found value in

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it. Right? That's what the brain does. It

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collects data, and then it makes what it

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believes is the best decision. Right? And so

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it's kinda crazy to think about that. Like,

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what's good about,

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sleeping with with, sex workers,

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about having an affair, hiding a pornography and

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masturbation habit from your from your wife? Like,

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like, why would your brain find value in

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that? Well well, it must have. Right? Because

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that's what it did. It's it's it's weighed

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all the data and probably including your wife.

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And it probably said, hey. I know the

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potential risks

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of, you know, with paid sex. I mean,

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you can you can go to jail. I

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mean, that's that's not legal. So, you know,

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but your brain has basically said, hey. You

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know what? It's worth it. It's worth the

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risk. Right? And so, you know, what we

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have to ask ourselves is why.

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Right? Right? If our brain is telling us

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that it's worth it, what's so what is

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it that's so worth it?

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And and that's really the the core of

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the why behind we do everything that we

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do. So, so some examples of this. You

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know, if you're gonna get into good recovery,

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what you really have to ask yourself is,

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what would open the door to

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these behaviors that you're engaging in? So let's

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kinda look at some of these. Let's we'll

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we'll kinda we'll start with paid sex, then

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we'll look at affairs, and then we'll look

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at pornography. So let's start with paid sex.

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So if somebody is engaging in in paid

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sex, they're giving money to somebody

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in exchange for,

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in exchange for some sort of sexual act,

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what what must somebody like that think for

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that to be an acceptable practice?

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Seriously, like, it's, you know, it's really gross

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when you think about it. You know, I

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I participated in paid sex. I'm I'm very

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I'm I'm I'm,

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deeply,

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sorry about all of that. I I I

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can't believe I did that, but I did

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do it. And I did not do it

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just once. I did it multiple times. Right?

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So, so if I've engaged in these in

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these behaviors,

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I need to then,

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ask myself,

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how could I do such a thing? Right?

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What must my brain be thinking for that

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to be an acceptable

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decision?

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Well,

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I'll I'll speak for myself and I can

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kinda include some of the beliefs that we

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see and world views that we've seen from

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other guys in our program.

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But I think the big one with paid,

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sexual interactions is,

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typically, what I've seen is you don't value

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humanity.

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You have turned yourself, you know, for at

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least the guys in my program, they've turned

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themselves into production machines. Right? They just they

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get better every single day. Right? They're everything

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they do,

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all of it from morning to night, it's

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all about self improvement, getting better. And, that

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sounds so great on the on the surface,

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but a lot of the times, they're getting

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better almost as if they are like a

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tool

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or like a a a race car that

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they're, like,

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souping up and enhancing. Right? So,

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you know, on the surface, it looks great.

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Wow. He he's he's constantly bettering himself and

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improving himself. But, again, he's improving himself like

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a tool

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to be more productive, to, again, make more

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money, do more, be more, climb the ladder

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faster.

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Right? So it's it's not really honoring the

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humanity inside of the person. Person. That's a

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kind of a whole different discussion. But, you

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know, humans humans are not here

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to make tons and tons and tons of

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money. I mean, that's just not why we're

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here. Capitalism is a is a man made

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concept. Right? Humans have needs. We have motives.

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And, we have these these desires, and they're

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baked inside of all of us. And if

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you pay attention to them,

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then you go do your self improvement. You

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you probably it probably will lead you down

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a really great path because now you're improving

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yourself

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with a reason. Right? There there's a there's

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a divine kind of, you know, heart centered

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reason for you to get better and better

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every day. But if you look at most,

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you know, successful, high achieving men, a lot

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of the self improvement they're doing is to,

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again, become

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better at

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making money. Right? They they wanna be a

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better tool, not a better human being. So

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so why is this an issue? Well, if

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you dehumanize

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yourself and you don't value your own humanity,

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your own feelings,

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your own desires, your own aspirations and motives,

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and you're really not paying attention to the

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humanity inside of you, then if if you

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don't value humanity inside yourself, I can guarantee

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you're not gonna value it inside of another

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person. And I think that's what really opens

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the door to somebody paying someone for sexes.

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I I no longer see this individual. I

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don't see the humanity in this individual. Right?

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My brain just you know, I'm I'm a

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hammer and everything's a nail. Right? So the

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the world's just for me to conquer. And

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it's a very common, like, successful male,

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outlook. And again, the challenge with that is

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is it's not just limited to paid sex.

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I mean, if you if you don't value

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your own humanity and you just see yourself

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as, this this domination machine here to conquer

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and accomplish,

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then you're certainly not gonna see the humanity

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in others, which would open up, you know,

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the door to, objectifying women,

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using women. And and we should even limit

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it to to women. It can it can

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be men as well. Right? If you don't

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if you don't value your own humanity,

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you might walk into a room and see,

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alright. Hey. What group of people do I

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need to get to know here to advance

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my career? Right? So everywhere you go, you're

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seeing the world through becoming more and conquering

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more and dominating more and accomplishing more. You're

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not walking into the room there to just

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connect with human beings. Right? You see them

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as there when you walk into that room,

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you see a hierarchy. Right? Oh, these people

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down at the bottom, they're not worth my

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time. But those guys at the top, yeah,

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I need to get to know them. Right?

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There there's there's value in them. And, again,

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it's all this dehumanization practice. Right?

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And there's obviously tons and tons of other

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beliefs. I'm just kind of highlighting things so

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you can so all of you listeners can

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kind of wrap your head around. Alright. What

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is the belief system and my worldview that

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led to these behaviors so that I can

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go through and try and make some of

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those changes so this doesn't happen again?

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So, so now let's talk about, like, affairs.

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So if somebody's gonna have an affair

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and,

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they, you know, another, you know, more or

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less another relationship

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outside of their,

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marriage,

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what what would open the door for this?

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Now this one's a little hard for me

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because I, I'm not an affair kind of,

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that wasn't part of my process addiction. But

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I can speak to it in terms of

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what I've seen from other men. You know,

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what what I see there here usually is,

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these men have, they have trust issues. They

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typically have,

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self esteem issues. Right? So they they don't

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particularly love who they are. They've they've

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been led to believe that, who they are

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currently is actually not enough yet. They need

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to go do things to get better so

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that they,

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one day, they can become a person that

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they do love.

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And, again, a lot of this is subconscious.

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I don't think a lot of these guys

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would go would say, oh, I don't love

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myself. I don't think very highly of myself.

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But I think if you look at their

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actions, it would indicate that they don't. Right?

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Because they're

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obsessed with

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making themselves better. I'm I'm not a good

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enough the way I am. Right? So there's

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this void of of of emptiness, of love.

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I'm I'm not seen. I'm not loved. I'm

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not cared for. And the truth is, you

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probably are seen, loved, and cared for. But

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if you don't see yourself as that yet,

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hey. I'll love myself when I'm when I'm

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more confident. I'll love myself when I'm I'm

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a better speaker. I'll love myself when I

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have a bigger company. Right? I know we

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don't say these things out loud, but it

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but if you look at the actions, it's

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it is kinda true. That's that's that restlessness

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that a lot of, like, high achieving men

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have is,

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I'll love myself when and, again, we never

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say that, but it's the energy behind our

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behavior patterns. So if you're carrying these voids,

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these very human voids, a lack of a

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lack of love, a lack of respect, a

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lack of intimacy,

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and a lot of it's not, you know,

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I would say most of it's probably your

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own fault from not,

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you know, really just seeing that you're,

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that you're worthy of that, capable of that,

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that that you're that you're worthy of it

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now. Like, right right? Like, you know, again,

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that's kind of the high achiever's curse is,

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we're trying to become someone who who deserves

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00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,519
it and is worthy of it all. But,

263
00:09:09,519 --> 00:09:11,440
I mean, the truth is you're you were

264
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:11,940
always

265
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,899
deserving and worthy of of of everything.

266
00:09:15,674 --> 00:09:17,274
Right? That other game you're talking about, that's

267
00:09:17,274 --> 00:09:18,955
just capitalism. That's a that's a totally different

268
00:09:18,955 --> 00:09:20,315
thing. It's got nothing to do with being

269
00:09:20,315 --> 00:09:22,794
human. So again, you're walking around with this

270
00:09:22,794 --> 00:09:23,294
void.

271
00:09:23,914 --> 00:09:26,475
Well, you might have a opportunity or an

272
00:09:26,475 --> 00:09:27,615
interaction somewhere

273
00:09:28,049 --> 00:09:29,269
with a female.

274
00:09:30,049 --> 00:09:32,690
And, maybe that interaction feels, feels pretty good.

275
00:09:32,929 --> 00:09:34,470
You feel, you feel seen,

276
00:09:34,850 --> 00:09:37,090
maybe she's, she's complimenting you and you feel,

277
00:09:37,090 --> 00:09:38,950
you feel respected. You might feel admired.

278
00:09:39,409 --> 00:09:41,995
And so there'll be this interaction where all

279
00:09:41,995 --> 00:09:43,754
of a sudden you're feeling the opposite of

280
00:09:43,754 --> 00:09:45,834
those awful feelings. Right? This this,

281
00:09:46,235 --> 00:09:48,875
future affair partner is making you feel some

282
00:09:48,875 --> 00:09:50,394
way that you wish you felt at home

283
00:09:50,394 --> 00:09:52,394
with your wife. And the the funny part

284
00:09:52,394 --> 00:09:54,495
is you blame your wife for that feeling.

285
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,559
It's it ain't your wife's it ain't your

286
00:09:57,559 --> 00:09:59,080
wife's fault. I can assure you of that.

287
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,759
Now I'm not saying that you may not

288
00:10:00,759 --> 00:10:03,000
have some marital stuff to work with back

289
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,040
home, some communication things, maybe some some sexual

290
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,340
issues. Sure. You might.

291
00:10:07,815 --> 00:10:10,134
But, again, you you can find that really

292
00:10:10,134 --> 00:10:12,855
meaningful connection even in those hard times with

293
00:10:12,855 --> 00:10:14,294
your wife. You don't need to leave your

294
00:10:14,294 --> 00:10:15,975
marriage. But, again, that's not what the brain

295
00:10:15,975 --> 00:10:18,054
says. The brain says, oh, wow. All this

296
00:10:18,054 --> 00:10:20,134
at home sucks. I never feel seen. I

297
00:10:20,134 --> 00:10:22,634
never feel admired. I never feel wanted,

298
00:10:23,110 --> 00:10:25,050
desired, but now I'm getting it out here.

299
00:10:25,110 --> 00:10:27,190
And so, again, it's a it's the world

300
00:10:27,190 --> 00:10:28,870
view is I never feel any of these

301
00:10:28,870 --> 00:10:30,710
things, and now I'm getting it from this

302
00:10:30,710 --> 00:10:32,629
affair partner. And, again, once you've had one

303
00:10:32,629 --> 00:10:33,129
affair,

304
00:10:33,670 --> 00:10:35,269
assuming you get away with it and and

305
00:10:35,269 --> 00:10:37,285
it stays hidden, it typically turns into another

306
00:10:37,285 --> 00:10:39,465
and another and another. Why? Because the brain

307
00:10:39,524 --> 00:10:41,764
has found, oh, wow. If I'm filling these

308
00:10:41,764 --> 00:10:43,785
voids, I know how to get these met.

309
00:10:43,845 --> 00:10:45,605
I had that one affair once and it

310
00:10:45,605 --> 00:10:47,524
and it changed all of this for me.

311
00:10:47,524 --> 00:10:48,965
Okay? So I could open a door. And,

312
00:10:48,965 --> 00:10:51,779
again, there's tons of other reasons why literally,

313
00:10:51,779 --> 00:10:53,460
thousands of other beliefs that could lead to

314
00:10:53,460 --> 00:10:55,480
having an affair. I'm just sharing these

315
00:10:56,019 --> 00:10:57,860
these specific examples with you so that you

316
00:10:57,860 --> 00:10:59,720
can start, again, correlating

317
00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:03,139
what was my belief system, my personal sense

318
00:11:03,139 --> 00:11:05,995
of identity, and my world view that allowed

319
00:11:05,995 --> 00:11:08,955
these behaviors to occur? Right? That's good recovery,

320
00:11:08,955 --> 00:11:11,274
is really policing the belief system that led

321
00:11:11,274 --> 00:11:12,014
to the behaviors.

322
00:11:12,634 --> 00:11:14,334
And then the last one was was pornography.

323
00:11:14,475 --> 00:11:17,034
Right? So so, what do we see with

324
00:11:17,034 --> 00:11:19,995
pornography use? If somebody's going to justify, hey.

325
00:11:19,995 --> 00:11:21,440
It's it's I'm gonna,

326
00:11:21,899 --> 00:11:24,220
I'm gonna watch porn. I'm gonna masturbate. This

327
00:11:24,220 --> 00:11:26,460
is this is normal behavior. This is what

328
00:11:26,460 --> 00:11:27,360
guys do.

329
00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:29,820
You know, how does what are the what's

330
00:11:29,820 --> 00:11:31,899
the belief system? How does this come about?

331
00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:33,679
Well, you know, to me,

332
00:11:34,365 --> 00:11:35,884
where I I would say one of the

333
00:11:35,884 --> 00:11:38,524
more common beliefs that I see with with

334
00:11:38,524 --> 00:11:39,745
with porn use is,

335
00:11:40,285 --> 00:11:41,264
guys will,

336
00:11:42,524 --> 00:11:43,585
they they

337
00:11:44,044 --> 00:11:46,044
latch onto it in a in a very

338
00:11:46,044 --> 00:11:46,950
entitled way.

339
00:11:47,429 --> 00:11:49,190
They they latch onto it very early, and

340
00:11:49,190 --> 00:11:49,850
they basically

341
00:11:50,629 --> 00:11:52,570
say, hey. My it's it's my sexuality.

342
00:11:53,029 --> 00:11:54,009
It's my body.

343
00:11:54,950 --> 00:11:57,429
This feels good. Of course, you know, you

344
00:11:57,429 --> 00:11:59,429
you see on TV. Right? You'll see, you

345
00:11:59,429 --> 00:12:02,389
know, jokes jokes about pornography being hidden in

346
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,295
on, you know, in Home Alone, Home you

347
00:12:04,295 --> 00:12:06,715
know, he finds his his brother's Playboy magazine.

348
00:12:07,335 --> 00:12:08,875
So you're not you're not unaware

349
00:12:09,175 --> 00:12:10,795
that porn is being consumed

350
00:12:11,175 --> 00:12:13,514
by men. Right? So, again, you're

351
00:12:14,535 --> 00:12:17,254
you're you know, typically, you are and, again,

352
00:12:17,254 --> 00:12:18,929
I would say with pornography, this is probably

353
00:12:18,929 --> 00:12:21,169
the most dominated belief is, hey. Every guy

354
00:12:21,169 --> 00:12:21,909
is doing it.

355
00:12:22,529 --> 00:12:24,769
What's the big deal? I'm just I'm just

356
00:12:24,769 --> 00:12:26,769
doing it all alone on my computer, on

357
00:12:26,769 --> 00:12:29,090
my phone. Nobody else is being negatively affected

358
00:12:29,090 --> 00:12:30,769
by this. Right? So I think a lot

359
00:12:30,769 --> 00:12:32,370
of what we see with porn use is

360
00:12:32,370 --> 00:12:34,235
it's just a ton of entitlement. I mean,

361
00:12:34,235 --> 00:12:35,995
really, it it I don't you know, when

362
00:12:35,995 --> 00:12:38,074
I see guys who really struggle with it,

363
00:12:38,074 --> 00:12:39,274
you know, when you look at their belief

364
00:12:39,274 --> 00:12:42,174
system, their brain just really isn't sold

365
00:12:42,794 --> 00:12:45,115
on not doing it. It's it's still more

366
00:12:45,115 --> 00:12:45,960
committed with,

367
00:12:46,519 --> 00:12:48,360
this is just really an issue with the

368
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,200
church and with my wife. But but in

369
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,639
the end, the rest of the world doesn't

370
00:12:51,639 --> 00:12:53,160
see an issue with this. Right? And you

371
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,340
gotta watch that belief system because

372
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,360
if if if your brain is it really

373
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,904
just just feels like there's this isn't really

374
00:13:00,904 --> 00:13:02,424
that big of a deal that everybody's doing

375
00:13:02,424 --> 00:13:04,904
it, how how hard are you actually gonna

376
00:13:04,904 --> 00:13:06,684
be able to try to stop?

377
00:13:07,065 --> 00:13:08,824
Right? If if it's truly just an issue

378
00:13:08,824 --> 00:13:10,424
with, like, the church or your wife and

379
00:13:10,424 --> 00:13:11,404
that and and,

380
00:13:11,980 --> 00:13:14,460
but your brain really just just doesn't see

381
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,540
a reason why we need to stop doing

382
00:13:16,540 --> 00:13:18,860
this because everybody else is doing it, can

383
00:13:18,860 --> 00:13:20,480
you really get into good recovery?

384
00:13:21,019 --> 00:13:23,120
And I know this is confusing. Right? Because

385
00:13:23,179 --> 00:13:25,595
the real you probably wants to stop. Right?

386
00:13:25,595 --> 00:13:27,115
It probably wants to stop. It probably sees,

387
00:13:27,115 --> 00:13:28,634
hey. If I keep doing this, you know,

388
00:13:28,634 --> 00:13:31,035
my my wife might leave me. But, again,

389
00:13:31,035 --> 00:13:32,795
you know, we have to be honest. What's

390
00:13:32,795 --> 00:13:34,235
your you know? And and this is, again,

391
00:13:34,235 --> 00:13:36,235
why I recorded this episode is, what is

392
00:13:36,235 --> 00:13:38,370
your brain saying though in those moments?

393
00:13:38,769 --> 00:13:40,289
Because I know the real you wants to

394
00:13:40,289 --> 00:13:42,529
stop. But if your brain if most of

395
00:13:42,529 --> 00:13:44,610
the data that is collected says, I like

396
00:13:44,610 --> 00:13:46,610
doing this. It feels good. It brings, you

397
00:13:46,610 --> 00:13:48,850
know, brings me some some pleasure. I don't

398
00:13:48,850 --> 00:13:50,370
really see what the big deal is. All

399
00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:52,704
every guy is freaking doing it. You you

400
00:13:52,704 --> 00:13:54,625
know, there's endless amounts of pornography on the

401
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:56,865
Internet, which, you know, again, the brain's saying,

402
00:13:56,865 --> 00:13:59,345
hey. Clearly, people like using this because there's

403
00:13:59,345 --> 00:14:00,644
so much of it out there.

404
00:14:01,345 --> 00:14:03,845
And so, again, what's the what's the driver

405
00:14:03,904 --> 00:14:06,809
behind the continual porn use and objectification of

406
00:14:06,809 --> 00:14:08,649
women? You know? It look. Let's not even

407
00:14:08,649 --> 00:14:10,570
say porn. Let's just say you're in public

408
00:14:10,570 --> 00:14:12,590
at the gym and you're staring at women's,

409
00:14:12,970 --> 00:14:13,470
butts,

410
00:14:14,090 --> 00:14:16,169
while they're at the gym. Same same thing.

411
00:14:16,169 --> 00:14:17,610
Right? You're just saying, hey. What's the big

412
00:14:17,610 --> 00:14:19,129
deal? It's just it's just it's just looking

413
00:14:19,129 --> 00:14:20,745
over at her butt. What's what's what's wrong

414
00:14:20,745 --> 00:14:22,584
with that? Right? And I think if if

415
00:14:22,584 --> 00:14:25,304
the brain at all tries to rationalize the

416
00:14:25,304 --> 00:14:26,764
behavior, you have to wonder,

417
00:14:27,944 --> 00:14:30,424
are you going to stop? Are you gonna

418
00:14:30,424 --> 00:14:31,865
ever be able to stop? If truly the

419
00:14:31,865 --> 00:14:33,950
only reason you're stopping is because you don't

420
00:14:33,950 --> 00:14:35,389
wanna get divorced and you don't wanna piss

421
00:14:35,389 --> 00:14:36,690
off the people at the church,

422
00:14:37,470 --> 00:14:39,710
you know, is that really enough for your

423
00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:41,389
brain? You know, from what I know about

424
00:14:41,389 --> 00:14:43,470
the brain, the brain cares about you and

425
00:14:43,470 --> 00:14:45,629
only you. You know? Again, we all like

426
00:14:45,629 --> 00:14:47,230
to think that the brain cares about your

427
00:14:47,230 --> 00:14:47,730
wife.

428
00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:49,985
It really doesn't a lot of the time,

429
00:14:49,985 --> 00:14:51,904
unfortunately. We think that our brain cares about

430
00:14:51,904 --> 00:14:55,424
our kids. And, sometimes it does, sometimes it

431
00:14:55,424 --> 00:14:57,664
doesn't. We think that the brain you know,

432
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,584
every we we give the brain way too

433
00:14:59,584 --> 00:15:01,024
much credit. And in the end, it is

434
00:15:01,024 --> 00:15:03,779
just an organ that collects data and then

435
00:15:03,779 --> 00:15:05,940
tells you what to do. And so or

436
00:15:05,940 --> 00:15:07,940
or gives you options of of different things

437
00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:10,179
you could do. And I think if we

438
00:15:10,179 --> 00:15:12,980
are not careful around where we got where

439
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,839
we got that data in the first place,

440
00:15:15,620 --> 00:15:17,459
did you put that data there? Do you

441
00:15:17,459 --> 00:15:19,884
actually believe it? Or is this stuff that

442
00:15:19,884 --> 00:15:21,884
just got, you know, dumped into your head

443
00:15:21,884 --> 00:15:23,325
from all of the movies that you watched,

444
00:15:23,325 --> 00:15:25,404
the friends that that you had in in

445
00:15:25,404 --> 00:15:27,105
middle school, in high school, or college,

446
00:15:27,725 --> 00:15:28,465
you know,

447
00:15:29,565 --> 00:15:31,769
books you read, TV advertising, you name it.

448
00:15:31,769 --> 00:15:33,769
All all this data coming into your head,

449
00:15:33,769 --> 00:15:34,990
you really gotta ask yourself,

450
00:15:35,690 --> 00:15:37,850
do I actually believe that? Do I wanna

451
00:15:37,850 --> 00:15:40,090
believe that? Or is that was that taught

452
00:15:40,090 --> 00:15:42,350
to me? Did I learn this somewhere? Because,

453
00:15:42,490 --> 00:15:45,345
again, we have to ask questions like that

454
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:46,404
because if we don't,

455
00:15:46,945 --> 00:15:49,825
we we may not be making decisions based

456
00:15:49,825 --> 00:15:52,464
off of this really real world right here

457
00:15:52,464 --> 00:15:54,544
in front of us where where we're where,

458
00:15:54,544 --> 00:15:56,705
you know, the the actual real world where

459
00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:59,070
we're trying to create a life of, of

460
00:15:59,070 --> 00:16:00,829
meaning and a life of of full of

461
00:16:00,829 --> 00:16:02,509
purpose. You know, we're not trying to hurt

462
00:16:02,509 --> 00:16:04,990
ourselves and hurt others. But, again, the mind

463
00:16:04,990 --> 00:16:07,970
doesn't always think that way. And so,

464
00:16:08,669 --> 00:16:10,029
you know, so so what do I mean

465
00:16:10,029 --> 00:16:11,789
in all this conclusion? What can you do?

466
00:16:11,789 --> 00:16:12,735
Well, first off,

467
00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:15,134
anytime that you're looking at any sort of

468
00:16:15,134 --> 00:16:17,294
unwanted behavior, you need to become a full

469
00:16:17,294 --> 00:16:19,615
time student around the thoughts that are leading

470
00:16:19,615 --> 00:16:22,754
up to it, and sometimes do hypothetical exercises.

471
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,235
You know, ask yourself, hey. What must somebody

472
00:16:25,294 --> 00:16:27,330
believe to sleep with a sex worker? Well,

473
00:16:27,330 --> 00:16:29,090
they must believe that this person's not a

474
00:16:29,090 --> 00:16:29,590
person.

475
00:16:30,049 --> 00:16:31,809
They must believe that this person is doing

476
00:16:31,809 --> 00:16:33,830
this because they wanna do it. Right? Like,

477
00:16:34,289 --> 00:16:36,289
they must believe that they are entitled to

478
00:16:36,289 --> 00:16:38,129
getting their sexual needs met, and they're entitled

479
00:16:38,129 --> 00:16:39,649
to lying and hiding about it. I mean,

480
00:16:39,649 --> 00:16:41,024
they they have to. In order for them

481
00:16:41,024 --> 00:16:43,024
to pull the trigger and do such a

482
00:16:43,024 --> 00:16:43,524
thing,

483
00:16:43,904 --> 00:16:46,544
they must believe, you know, beliefs somewhere in

484
00:16:46,544 --> 00:16:48,544
the genre of that. Right? So that would

485
00:16:48,544 --> 00:16:50,245
be the other thing I'd be encouraged is

486
00:16:50,464 --> 00:16:52,784
if you're engaging in an unwanted behavior, go

487
00:16:52,784 --> 00:16:55,080
through and do some hypothetical exercises

488
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:02,759
now, again, now what's what's good recovery? Well,

489
00:17:02,759 --> 00:17:04,519
good recovery would then be taking that a

490
00:17:04,519 --> 00:17:06,839
step further and say, how did I start

491
00:17:06,839 --> 00:17:09,400
believing beliefs like that? And then step three,

492
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,294
probably the most important is, okay. Hey. I

493
00:17:11,294 --> 00:17:12,994
need to seek out psychological

494
00:17:13,774 --> 00:17:15,855
help here. You know, what I need to

495
00:17:15,855 --> 00:17:17,134
I need to figure out, hey. If I

496
00:17:17,134 --> 00:17:19,054
have trust if I don't trust people and

497
00:17:19,054 --> 00:17:21,134
I just look to me myself to getting

498
00:17:21,134 --> 00:17:22,815
my own needs met, how what do I

499
00:17:22,815 --> 00:17:24,974
do in psychology to to change that? Right?

500
00:17:24,974 --> 00:17:26,759
If If I've dehumanized myself and I don't

501
00:17:26,759 --> 00:17:29,319
really see the humanity in myself or others

502
00:17:29,319 --> 00:17:31,079
and I can't really honor it, what do

503
00:17:31,079 --> 00:17:32,679
I need to do there to start to

504
00:17:32,679 --> 00:17:33,079
start,

505
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,759
bringing humanity back into the situation? Because, again,

506
00:17:36,759 --> 00:17:38,440
to me, bringing humanity back in is one

507
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:39,960
of the fastest ways to kinda put an

508
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,055
end to all of this behavior.

509
00:17:41,615 --> 00:17:44,015
So you have to restart by rehumanizing yourself.

510
00:17:44,015 --> 00:17:45,615
Right? So but my point is you go

511
00:17:45,615 --> 00:17:47,855
you go belief by belief by belief, and

512
00:17:47,855 --> 00:17:49,154
you have to start asking yourself,

513
00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:51,695
a, how do these get here? Do I

514
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:53,875
want them here? And then more importantly,

515
00:17:54,255 --> 00:17:55,615
what do I need to do to change

516
00:17:55,615 --> 00:17:57,410
these things so I don't keep believing? Because,

517
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,650
again, I think people zoom in way too

518
00:17:59,650 --> 00:18:01,509
much in the unwanted sexual behaviors,

519
00:18:01,809 --> 00:18:03,570
and they miss the whole point. It's not

520
00:18:03,570 --> 00:18:05,730
about stopping the sexual stuff. It's not about

521
00:18:05,730 --> 00:18:07,730
stopping the porn. I mean, yes, it is.

522
00:18:07,730 --> 00:18:08,869
But at the same time,

523
00:18:09,474 --> 00:18:10,194
real recovery

524
00:18:10,755 --> 00:18:13,714
sobriety stopping. Real recovery is going all the

525
00:18:13,714 --> 00:18:15,875
way back up and saying, what must I

526
00:18:15,875 --> 00:18:16,375
believe

527
00:18:16,994 --> 00:18:18,774
to be able to engage in those practices?

528
00:18:18,835 --> 00:18:20,595
Where did I start believing that? And how

529
00:18:20,595 --> 00:18:22,054
do I stop believing it?

530
00:18:23,234 --> 00:18:25,470
Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

531
00:18:25,470 --> 00:18:27,230
are a high achiever with a sex addiction

532
00:18:27,230 --> 00:18:28,990
and you're looking for a recovery group full

533
00:18:28,990 --> 00:18:32,029
of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

534
00:18:32,029 --> 00:18:34,910
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

535
00:18:34,910 --> 00:18:37,365
using four day retreats, weekly group calls,

536
00:18:43,924 --> 00:18:44,424
application.

537
00:18:44,804 --> 00:18:47,125
If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

538
00:18:47,125 --> 00:18:48,804
along to a friend in recovery who would

539
00:18:48,804 --> 00:18:50,724
benefit from listening. It is my mission to

540
00:18:50,724 --> 00:18:52,532
get this information out to as many high

541
00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,772
achievers as possible, and I can't do it

542
00:18:54,772 --> 00:18:55,752
without your help.