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Checking in or holding yourself accountable, calling yourself

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out. Right? These are all things that we're

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supposed to do with our peer support people,

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our sponsors, our therapists, whoever you have in

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your corner supporting you. There needs to be

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honest, transparent communication around where you are in

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recovery. Now sometimes this includes your wife, only

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if she can be a safe place.

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles

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specifically to the mindset of the high achiever.

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I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The

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Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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more information about joining our group or attending

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our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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Now I'm not saying that you're gonna hide

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things from it. That is not what I'm

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saying. You guys need to have an

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agreement on what your, sobriety is and when

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and and the things that you need to

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tell her if you slip or relapse on

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any of those things. So, again, that that's

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not really what we're talking about. What I'm

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talking about is policing

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your, recovery

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and so that you stay in a good

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grounded healthy place so that we can mitigate,

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the odds of, of relapse or slips happening.

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So what are you communicating and when do

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we communicate? So this has been a hot

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topic in a lot of my groups

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around, you know, do I need to tell

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the guys this or not?

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To me,

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there's there's a couple different layers to it.

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Right? So I think the most common that

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we see, especially in, like, 12 step groups,

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right, is

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policing, you know, lust, objectification,

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obviously, you know, admitting to any sort of

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slips or acting out behaviors.

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But to me, you know, that that's great,

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and you need to be honest about that.

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I mean, you need to be honest really,

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you know, if you're violating your definition of

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sobriety, that is something that you do need

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to,

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disclose to people. We know that hiding it

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and keeping it a secret only makes it

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worse. Right? But again, from a recovery standpoint

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now remember, you know, I'm a big recovery

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guy. Right? Sobriety is finding a way to

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stop all this stuff.

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Recovery is how you keep it from coming

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back, and how you actually get to a

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place where you don't wanna do this stuff

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anymore. Right? So, that's really my emphasis, recovery.

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So when I'm encouraging guys to, you know,

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utilize their, you know, their mentors, their their

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support,

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network, their their support group,

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the things that you're checking in to me

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are more of the why

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behind your compulsive behaviors. Right? So because this

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is a process addiction, you need to become

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familiar with your,

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with your processes that you become compulsive or

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addicted to. Right? And so there are things

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that activate

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those processes.

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Right? And that and that, you know, some

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people call those triggers. Right? So so but

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again, you know, a lot of people think

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triggers as, oh, I saw this attractive woman

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and I got triggered. I,

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had this thought about this one website and

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I got triggered to go to go visit

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that website. Right? So but, again, I I

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think that's still too downstream. Right?

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To me, the reason that the brain is

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surfing or fishing for some sort of acting

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out stimulation

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is because there's something that happened way up

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here, right, You know, way earlier on in

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the process.

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And I think that's really where we got

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into getting the habit of utilizing

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our our peer support community and, our helpers

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in our life, is reporting those details to

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them. Because to me, you guys have seen

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this. Like, by the time we're down in

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that dangerous of territory,

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the odds of you acting out are pretty

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darn high. I mean, you know, that's they

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talk always talk about, like, you know, reaching

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out to your peer support network or calling

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your sponsor if you have a sponsor.

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But again, by the time we're that dangerously

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close, a lot of the times we just

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act out. Right? You know, by the time

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you're that egoic and you're that out of

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yourself,

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you're probably just gonna make a bad decision.

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So to me, we wanna really get into

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the habit of not not really admitting the

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the, you know, of course, yes, the the

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lusting, the objectifications,

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the addictive thoughts, the the edging behaviors. You

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know, those need to be called out. But

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to me, you you should get into the

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habit of calling yourself out earlier.

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Right? So

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when we think about compulsive behaviors, there's some

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sort of perceived value

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to the acting out behavior. Right? There's something

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that you're getting, your your brain thinks it's

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getting from acting out. Right? And what we

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have to figure out is what happened

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to you where your brain decided that it

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wanted to go do that.

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Right? So, you know, if you're truly an

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addict, right, and you're and you're all about

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escaping,

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then a lot of your you know, the

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trigger is probably gonna be something unpleasant. Right?

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It could be stress. It could be sadness.

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It could be, somebody making you, you know,

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an argument,

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either with your wife or maybe a confrontation

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at work. Right? And you're feeling feelings that

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you want to escape. Right? So now your

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brain is telling you, hey. I wonder how

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we could unplug. I wonder how we could

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escape. I wonder how we could, kinda take

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a break from life. Right? So that would

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be, you know, more of your traditional sex

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or porn addict where they're using sexual pornography

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to escape. Right? But, again, you wanna start

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noticing

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what are the feelings that I don't like

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to feel. Right? So you start to police

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those. That way, you're really far away from

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the acting out behaviors because you know, oh,

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man. You know, this this is typically an

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area that would lead me to acting out.

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This is, you know, I I I should

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I should check this in with my group.

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I should I should, tell the guys in

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my group what's going on with me here.

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Right? So, again, your the emphasis is on

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the, you know, the unpleasant conversation or the

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confrontational conversation that made you feel,

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flustered.

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Right?

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There could also be another trigger. You know,

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for me, you know, I wasn't really necessarily

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a an addict per se,

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in an escapism way. I I used,

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my compulsive behaviors

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as tools, right, to to enhance my self

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worth, to enhance my value, to have things

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happen to me that validated a story about

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me that I liked. Right? So a massive

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trigger for me was anytime that I felt

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behind,

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anytime that I felt, like, like other people

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were moving faster than than than I was.

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Right? That I am off track. I'm I'm

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moving too slow.

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Right? So that triggered, oh, no. I'm I'm

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behind. I'm not gonna be impressive. I'm not

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gonna be the best one in the room.

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There's other people who are moving faster than

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me, so I'm gonna look average. Right? And

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so that would trigger me to, oh, I

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I I need to have somebody tell me

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how awesome I am. I need to I

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need to have somebody validate me. Somebody tell

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me how attractive I am. Somebody, Right? I

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I need that validation or attention from people

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because right now I'm starting to question my

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worth and question my value because, you know,

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I'm I'm I'm, you know, having a bad

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day at work or a bad week at

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work, whatever.

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So but that's the stuff that you're checking

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in. Right? It's like I said, by the

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time you've got triggered by whatever it is

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and your your brain's now wanting to seek

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out some sort of acting out behavior,

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I'm not gonna say it's too late, but

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it's almost too late. I mean, by that

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by the time it's surfing for the activity,

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it really doesn't want to stop. It really

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doesn't want to. And every every every person

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listening to this, you guys probably know what

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I'm talking about. There there is a threshold

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at which you cross where your brain is

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like, I want to act out, and I

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don't wanna do anything that would result in

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me not acting out. It's why guys don't

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call their their peer support network because they

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know that if I call their support network,

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I'm not gonna be able to act out.

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And so they're like, I'm just not gonna

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call so I can act out. Right? Which

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is the exact behavior we're trying to avoid.

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And I think the way that you avoid

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that is you get in the habit of

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policing your process addiction,

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not the sexual aspects of it. So,

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how does this look, like, logistically? Well, again,

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if you have a really good peer support

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group, your the guys in your support tribe

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should be very, very familiar

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with your process addiction and, where it came

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from and why you use it. And so

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because they're very familiar with your unique process

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addiction,

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you can now communicate with them. Hey, guys.

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You know, this happened. And because you've been

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you know, these guys have been learning about

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your process addiction the whole time, when you

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tell them the situation, they're all gonna be

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in there,

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you know, giving you tips, advice on on,

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what to do. They're gonna be checking in

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on you. Right? So, you know, if they

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haven't heard from you, they might be texting

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you and say, hey.

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How, you know, how are things? What's going

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on? Right? Because, again, they're very familiar with

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how activating and triggering that could be for

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you. Right? And and here's the cool thing

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is,

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one of two things is gonna happen. When

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you disclose

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that,

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you're feeling behind, you're feeling unsuccessful, you're feeling

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unaccomplished, and that's a trigger for you to

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go seek, attention and validation. When you say

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that out loud to the group, you just

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reporting it in is gonna take 75

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of the life out of it. Right? So,

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if you would have normally act out, you

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just sharing that with your tribe, your your

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your recovery tribe, it's gonna already make it

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that much less likely it's gonna happen. Happen.

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You know, the second we speak things out

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loud and the secrecy is kind of gone

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and the awareness is there,

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you're you're you've done a good majority. Now

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there's still a potential.

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Right? There's still there's still, you know, let's

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call it 25% of the potential that you

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could still do it. And again, so that's

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when the other guys coming in and and

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pouring into you, loving on you, giving you

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tips, giving you advice, you know, that that

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continued dialogue takes that remaining 25%, just sucks

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it down to zero. And again, it's it's

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all about catching it earlier and earlier and

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earlier. And that's you know, when I look

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at the guys in my recovery groups who

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are really in, you know, really advanced recovery.

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I mean, we're talking,

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you know, real self mastery. I mean, these

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guys are, you know, really rooted in their

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moral compass. Right? They're they're men of integrity

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at this point.

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That's what they're doing. They're they're catching, hey.

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What makes me less me? And I'm gonna

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report that to the group. Because, again, I

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think by the time you know, when we're

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when we're really looking at the sexual behaviors,

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it is. It's almost too late, and we're

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kind of missing

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the opportunity. Right? That's sobriety,

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but we're missing the recovery aspect. And and

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for those of you guys who are married

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and you're trying to rebuild trust, this is

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how trust is built. Right? Trust isn't built

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by saying, oh, I I was about to

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act out and then I didn't,

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or I got close to acting out and

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I didn't. That doesn't build trust. If anything,

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that freaks her out. Right? Where she's gonna

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start to feel trust and safety is when

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you're policing these behaviors really, really, really early

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on. Right? Because, again, we all know, like,

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if if if you're catching it in the

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beginning, you're a really long way from actually

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doing something stupid. Right? And that's how that

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that's, to me, what really brings safety and

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trust back into the relationship is it's like

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they see you really trying to be a

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better man early on in the process to

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the point where it's like, man, he he's

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really far away from acting out. Right? And

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he has this peer support group that's further

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helping

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him make that low lesser, you know, less

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and less and less likely. So in conclusion,

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you know, a really good recovery plan, especially

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when it comes to you policing your,

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your sobriety and your recovery,

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that's what it looks like. Right? It's it's

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having a tribe of people in a support

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network around you who know what

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leads you to act out, and then you're

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literally as early in the process policing the

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things well before they get down into dangerous

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territory.

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Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

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are a high achiever of the sex addiction

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and you're looking for a recovery group full

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of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

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We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

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using four day retreats,

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00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:08,184
weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

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If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

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save your marriage, go to our website and

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fill out our application. If you enjoyed this

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00:11:14,585 --> 00:11:16,825
episode, please pass it along to a friend

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in recovery who would benefit from listening. It

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is my mission to get this information out

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to as many high achievers as possible, and

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I can't do it without your help.