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This is the type of stuff that we

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wanna look at. Right? Where in those first

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ten years and first twenty years of my

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life did I start finding so much value

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in, you know, again, for this example, the

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attention of women being chosen by women. And

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then again, try and follow that thread through

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your life. So then what happened? Did it

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get better? What did you start doing?

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles

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specifically to the mindset of the high achiever.

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I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The

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Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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more information about joining our group or attending

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our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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How does one formulate

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a excellent recovery plan? Alright. It's probably one

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of the most kind of vague and murky

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and poorly understood aspects of sex addiction, porn

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addiction, compulsive sexual behavior recovery is what is

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a good recovery plan and how do we

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build it? And I see this both in

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my groups and out of my groups. It's

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a question that all guys are trying to

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kind of figure out. And I get why

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they're trying to figure it out is how

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the heck are you supposed to recover if

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you don't have a good recovery plan or

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even worse, you don't know what a good

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recovery plan is or how to build it.

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So let's talk about this for a second.

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And there's two reasons why this matters. One,

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obviously, if you're not in a good recovery

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plan, are you even in recovery? But then

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there's a second element of this is I

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think

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trust is rebuilt

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when you are in good recovery. For the

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married men listening to this, I think there

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is this big discussion around trust. How can

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I ever trust you again? The truth is

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blind trust probably isn't gonna come back. Right?

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Your wife is not going to just blindly

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trust you again and say, oh, yeah. Yeah.

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Yeah. He's recovered. I don't have to worry.

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You know, her brain is now aware

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that you're capable of this, and her brain's

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probably not gonna forget, especially because of how

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traumatic this experience was. Her brains you know,

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this is gonna be something that her brain's

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gonna be on the lookout for potentially forever,

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which is so sad. Right? It's really unfair.

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And I said potentially forever. I'm not dooming

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these trade partners to a life of distrust.

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That's not what I'm saying. But is her

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brain going to

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hold on to the potential that this could

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happen again? We see that a lot. We

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do. And it's because, again, of how traumatic

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this was. But regaining trust, I believe, where

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that happens is when our

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wives

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actually believe that you are in great recovery

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and that you're following the plan and that

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she feels, you know, kind of this feeling

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that she gets, that you're executing on that

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plan without any of her input. You're executing

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on it and you're constantly testing it and

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trying to improve it, you know, over and

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over and over. If she sees that, again,

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that's where some of the trust can start

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to be rebuilt because, again, to her, it's

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like, oh, wow. I don't even have to

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say anything. He's the one making all of

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these decisions, and he's the one policing his

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own behavior and his own recovery. Right? So

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that's comforting for her. Right? She doesn't have

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to keep watching you because she can just

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start focusing on her life. Right? And And

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again, I think that's where some of the

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trust comes back. Because again, that was trust

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before as well. Right? She trusted you to

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not do these things. Right? And so now

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we have to build that back. The problem

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is just assuming that you're not going to

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isn't good enough anymore. She needs to see

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a plan that she believes

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is going to be effective. So let's talk

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about how we formulate that plan. The first

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thing that we need to understand is that

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humans don't do anything

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to intentionally

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self destruct. Right? If somebody's engaging in a

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harmful behavior, whether that be drugs,

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alcohol, you name the thing, sex addiction, pyromania,

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shoplifting,

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you name the problematic behavior. If a human

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is doing it, it's never to

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ruin their life. That's not their intent. There's

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some belief that they have developed that makes

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this behavior advantageous.

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It could be exciting. It could be novel.

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It could be a good distraction. It could

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enhance their self esteem, enhance their perceived status

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in the community. Whatever it is, they're engaging

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in a behavior because there is some perceived

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benefit to it. Sometimes it's hard to believe

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when we look at their actions, but I'm

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telling you right now, no one intentionally just

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goes out to ruin their life. Right? And

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if they're doing it, it's because they think

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they have to for whatever reason that could

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be. So again, this is why, you know,

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your upbringing

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matters. I'm not even going to say your

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childhood. I'm just going to say your life

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because

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especially the first 10 of life, but really

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the first twenty years, we're trying to figure

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out how the world works. So why am

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I bringing this up? Well, because if you're

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engaging in deceptive or compulsive sexual behavior,

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There's a reason for it, and we need

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to figure out why you think you have

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to do that.

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That's really the core of recovery. I don't

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think if you haven't figured out

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why you're considering this behavior advantageous or worth

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the risk, I don't know if you're in

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good recovery. You need to figure that out

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because, again, how can we undo it if

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we don't know why you're doing it. Right?

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So I'll give you some examples of this

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and what I mean. So a good recovery

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plan, you know, if you're engaging in a

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behavior, what we need to figure out is

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what are you getting out of it? And

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don't think too much into that. Just take

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some guesses. You know? Obviously, use your recovery

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group to help with this. You're gonna definitely

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need to find guys who have a very

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similar process addiction to you to be able

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to figure this out because it's through them

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kind of brainstorming and also them talking about

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their own process addiction is really gonna help

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you figure out, oh my gosh. That's you

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know, I've always tried to figure out why

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I do that. Now that he said that,

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that's a perfect example. So what I mean

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by this would be so you'll take some

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guesses around what the perceived value is. Then

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I want you to kind of go back

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through your upbringing and ask yourself,

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why would that be of benefit? So for

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a lot of the guys in my groups,

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they're not your traditional kind of sex addict

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as defined in literature of this escapist

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kind of dopaminergic

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avoiding their life, running away from life,

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avoiding feelings. A lot of the guys in

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my groups aren't necessarily doing that. A lot

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of high achieving men, a lot of what

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they're doing is they're trying to gain the

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attention of women in this very, you know,

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sexual or sex appeal like way to get

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validated. They wanna feel wanted. They wanna feel

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superior. They wanna feel accomplished. They wanna feel

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desired. And using women and their attention, you

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know, as a tool that they've developed for

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that. So again, why? Right? So what I

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mean by going back to your past well,

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let's keep going with that hypothetical example that

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I just brought up. If we go back

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to your past and we start thinking, you

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know, what were you and your best friend

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talking about when you were nine years old,

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10 years old? And I remember my friends

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at nine and 10, you know, we had

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other stuff that we were into skateboarding and

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whatever else, but there was a big discussion

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of finding a girlfriend

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and, you know, the significance of that, that

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you need a girlfriend.

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And so, yeah, I became very infatuated or

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into this my life being enhanced by having

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a girlfriend. And unfortunately for me, you know,

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when I think back to those examples, there

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was oftentimes where and this is so silly,

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but me and my friends were there was

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two occasions where me and my friends were

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competing for the same girl. We did it

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once in third grade for this girl named

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Sarah that lived across the street. I did

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it actually two years before that. Gosh, when

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I was like first grade. It sounds so

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silly to say that. But my point is

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I lost. I lost, I think, two of

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the three times and I only

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won, I guess, or got chosen by the

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girl once. So again, think back to what

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was going on in my brain there. There's

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a perceived value. Right? Me and my friends

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were fighting over this girl to be our

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girlfriend. But again, what's that doing in my

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brain? Right? There's scarcity. Right? So there's not

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enough love to go around.

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Right? You'll have to settle for a girl

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that you don't really want. Right? And somebody's

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gonna marry the one that you do want.

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Right? So that's this kind of insane not

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even insane. That's just how a 10 year

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old would think, right, if they were very

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scarce, right? There's only so many girls in

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my school and this is the one that

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I want and she chose my friend instead

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of me, right? So that's going to hurt

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your feelings, but it's also going to reinforce

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these beliefs that

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girls are hard to get, that they might

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not choose you no matter how much you

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like them. Right? And so, again, this scarcity

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is kind of brewing in your brain. This

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is how you start to formulate a recovery

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plan.

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Right? Because I think about it. What's the

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conclusion there? I can't get enough. Right? And

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what if she decides to not like me?

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So I need to have a backup plan

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and then a backup plan behind my backup

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plan. Again, I'm I'm speaking in hypotheticals. But

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when I mean going back through your past,

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this is the type of stuff that we

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wanna look at. Right? Where in those first

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ten years and first twenty years of my

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life did I start finding so much value

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in, you know, again, for this example, the

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attention

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of women being chosen by women. And then

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again, try and follow that thread through your

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life. So then what happened? Did it get

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better? What did you start doing? Right? For

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me, I started working out, right, to try

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and make my body more appealing. I was

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bad at sports, so I really leaned heavily

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on my intellect. I got jobs, right, to

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prove to these ladies that I have my

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shit together. Right? So since that perceived scarcity

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happened when I was, you know, nine, 10,

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11 years old where these girls were choosing

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other guys instead of me, I started to

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scheme and develop plans so that this would

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never happen to me again. And this is

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why we call it childhood trauma. Right? Again,

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this is why I'm constantly reminding you guys,

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trauma is not just physical abuse, verbal abuse,

261
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sexual abuse. Trauma is anything that alters the

262
00:08:58,649 --> 00:08:59,149
truth.

263
00:08:59,529 --> 00:09:00,809
Right? And so what do I mean by

264
00:09:00,809 --> 00:09:03,565
the truth? During that time in this childhood,

265
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we were led to believe that girls are

266
00:09:05,625 --> 00:09:07,384
hard to get, that they could abandon you,

267
00:09:07,384 --> 00:09:09,225
that they're gonna choose other men over you,

268
00:09:09,225 --> 00:09:11,384
that those men are superior to you. Right?

269
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,384
If this is the kid's story, he's gonna

270
00:09:13,384 --> 00:09:15,065
make sure I'm not gonna let anybody be

271
00:09:15,065 --> 00:09:16,840
better than me again. I'm gonna be the

272
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,679
best. I'm gonna have the nicest clothes, the

273
00:09:18,679 --> 00:09:21,320
nicest cars, the biggest muscles, the nicest body,

274
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:24,519
the fanciest job. Right? And so you start

275
00:09:24,519 --> 00:09:26,840
scheming on whatever it is that you feel

276
00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:28,600
like is going to secure you the thing

277
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,174
you want. So fast forward, here is this

278
00:09:31,174 --> 00:09:34,054
guy. He's now married. He's done all these

279
00:09:34,054 --> 00:09:36,054
things to make him more attractive to the

280
00:09:36,054 --> 00:09:37,914
opposite sex, and now he's married.

281
00:09:38,375 --> 00:09:40,294
Right? And again, we would expect that to

282
00:09:40,294 --> 00:09:42,509
go away. But think about it. If he

283
00:09:42,509 --> 00:09:44,990
has been using women and their attention, their

284
00:09:44,990 --> 00:09:47,070
approval being chosen by that, if he's been

285
00:09:47,070 --> 00:09:47,970
using that

286
00:09:48,350 --> 00:09:49,169
to feel,

287
00:09:49,629 --> 00:09:52,370
a sense of importance, a sense of accomplishment,

288
00:09:52,429 --> 00:09:54,990
like he actually matters, then now by getting

289
00:09:54,990 --> 00:09:57,009
married, he actually just turned off

290
00:09:57,324 --> 00:10:00,225
his most preferred avenue of validation.

291
00:10:00,605 --> 00:10:01,345
And yeah,

292
00:10:01,964 --> 00:10:03,245
during the first year or two or three

293
00:10:03,245 --> 00:10:04,845
with his wife, she was kind of giving

294
00:10:04,845 --> 00:10:07,424
him that, right? Because through that infatuation stage,

295
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:09,164
we're getting a lot of that. But yeah,

296
00:10:09,164 --> 00:10:11,324
once you've been married for a while, again,

297
00:10:11,324 --> 00:10:12,779
a lot of that starts to go away.

298
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,959
Right? And if that feeling that you're

299
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,399
craving or dependent on, you're now going to

300
00:10:18,539 --> 00:10:20,139
even inside of your marriage, you're gonna go

301
00:10:20,139 --> 00:10:21,659
supplement that. So again, this is just a

302
00:10:21,659 --> 00:10:23,500
hypothetical, but I gave you that story so

303
00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:25,225
that we can talk about, okay, what's a

304
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,625
good recovery plan then? Well, let's go back

305
00:10:27,625 --> 00:10:29,705
to the belief system. So, everybody needs to

306
00:10:29,705 --> 00:10:31,884
understand this. Recovery is changing

307
00:10:32,345 --> 00:10:34,585
your perception of yourself, your perception of the

308
00:10:34,585 --> 00:10:36,424
world. Right? All these beliefs we have about

309
00:10:36,424 --> 00:10:38,264
who we are and what the world wants

310
00:10:38,264 --> 00:10:40,379
from us, what women want from us, what

311
00:10:40,379 --> 00:10:43,580
success is, what accomplishment is. Right? If you're

312
00:10:43,580 --> 00:10:45,820
not superior or the best, then what's that

313
00:10:45,820 --> 00:10:48,300
mean? Right? Oh, then you're a nobody. Right?

314
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:49,420
If you're not the best, then you're a

315
00:10:49,420 --> 00:10:51,180
nobody. Right? So if somebody has a belief

316
00:10:51,180 --> 00:10:52,460
like that, which a lot of high achieving

317
00:10:52,460 --> 00:10:54,695
men do, think about those negative side effects.

318
00:10:54,695 --> 00:10:57,254
Like, sure, there's one positive. You're probably going

319
00:10:57,254 --> 00:10:59,975
to become really, really, really great at what

320
00:10:59,975 --> 00:11:02,534
you do because you're obsessed with being the

321
00:11:02,534 --> 00:11:04,774
best. Right? So it's going to assist your

322
00:11:04,774 --> 00:11:07,514
career and potentially your financial position.

323
00:11:07,919 --> 00:11:10,000
But what's it not going to help? So

324
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,759
that exact same thing, you need to be

325
00:11:11,759 --> 00:11:13,440
the best. So if you need to be

326
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,519
the best, how many other verticals of your

327
00:11:15,519 --> 00:11:16,820
life does that carry into?

328
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,039
And for me, I'll talk about my addiction

329
00:11:19,039 --> 00:11:20,240
like I do a lot just because it's

330
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,514
easier to talk about myself. For me, I

331
00:11:22,514 --> 00:11:24,195
had to be better in pretty much every

332
00:11:24,195 --> 00:11:26,514
category. So when it came to getting women,

333
00:11:26,514 --> 00:11:28,115
I had to be better. So being married

334
00:11:28,115 --> 00:11:30,995
actually hindered my ability to prove that I'm

335
00:11:30,995 --> 00:11:32,514
the best in that situation because all the

336
00:11:32,514 --> 00:11:34,134
other guys get to go after,

337
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:36,569
you know, they get to go conquesting after

338
00:11:36,569 --> 00:11:38,250
these women, and I can't now because I'm

339
00:11:38,250 --> 00:11:40,509
married. Right? So again, in my belief system,

340
00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:43,289
I don't have that validation. I'm left over

341
00:11:43,289 --> 00:11:46,089
here wondering, am I desirable? Are these guys

342
00:11:46,089 --> 00:11:48,345
better? Am I too old? Am I too,

343
00:11:48,345 --> 00:11:50,745
you know, have I lost my mojo? And

344
00:11:50,745 --> 00:11:52,664
if I don't like that feeling of being

345
00:11:52,664 --> 00:11:54,024
too old or not being one of the

346
00:11:54,024 --> 00:11:55,565
guys or not being superior,

347
00:11:56,024 --> 00:11:58,105
will I start bending my morals and values

348
00:11:58,105 --> 00:11:59,004
to start participating

349
00:11:59,705 --> 00:12:02,184
in that behavior despite being married, right? Which

350
00:12:02,184 --> 00:12:04,189
was eventually what I ended up doing.

351
00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:06,169
So, what I mean by forming a recovery

352
00:12:06,169 --> 00:12:07,769
plan is I need to clean that stuff

353
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:10,009
up. It's that belief system that I gotta

354
00:12:10,009 --> 00:12:10,509
change

355
00:12:10,809 --> 00:12:13,769
because if I am feeling that way, regardless

356
00:12:13,769 --> 00:12:15,289
of whether I'm let's say I'm three years

357
00:12:15,289 --> 00:12:17,149
sober. Let's say I'm three years sober,

358
00:12:17,644 --> 00:12:20,445
have not cheated, haven't violated any of my

359
00:12:20,445 --> 00:12:23,325
definitions of my sobriety, my sexual sobriety, but

360
00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:24,625
I haven't changed that belief.

361
00:12:25,004 --> 00:12:27,105
Now, every time I'm in that environment,

362
00:12:27,644 --> 00:12:30,285
I'm feeling, again, I'm feeling inferior. I'm feeling

363
00:12:30,285 --> 00:12:32,480
like they're doing something that I wish I

364
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,100
could do that I can't do anymore.

365
00:12:34,559 --> 00:12:36,100
And the reason I bring that up is,

366
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,159
again, I think our wives for the married

367
00:12:38,159 --> 00:12:39,679
guys listen to this, I think our wives

368
00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:41,759
feel that. I think they can feel I

369
00:12:41,759 --> 00:12:43,620
think they know the difference between

370
00:12:44,205 --> 00:12:46,684
you really formulating this new way of living

371
00:12:46,684 --> 00:12:48,285
and you loving it and you being all

372
00:12:48,285 --> 00:12:50,125
in and bought into it. I think they

373
00:12:50,125 --> 00:12:52,605
can feel that. Whereas if it's still, hey,

374
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,285
I'm not acting out, but a lot of

375
00:12:54,285 --> 00:12:55,345
this belief system

376
00:12:55,725 --> 00:12:58,384
around, again, pursuing these novel sexual experiences,

377
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:01,100
getting you know, hearing compliments and being validated

378
00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:03,500
by women, you know, having them pay special

379
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:06,539
sexual attention to me, say special things they

380
00:13:06,539 --> 00:13:08,139
would not say to other people. Right? If

381
00:13:08,139 --> 00:13:10,620
I still like that and want that, how

382
00:13:10,620 --> 00:13:12,320
long until you relapse? Truly.

383
00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:15,065
I'm serious about that. Ten years, fifteen years,

384
00:13:15,125 --> 00:13:17,365
two years. I mean, again, if the belief

385
00:13:17,365 --> 00:13:17,865
system

386
00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:20,165
that you have about yourself, about the world,

387
00:13:20,165 --> 00:13:22,725
about success, about a good meaningful life, a

388
00:13:22,725 --> 00:13:25,205
happy life, if you haven't updated your belief

389
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:26,904
system, you haven't recovered.

390
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:28,919
And I think, again, a lot of guys

391
00:13:28,919 --> 00:13:30,919
get so frustrated with their wives because their

392
00:13:30,919 --> 00:13:33,080
wives say, oh, I don't feel like you're

393
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,600
in great recovery. I don't feel like you've

394
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:35,959
changed. I don't feel like you've had the

395
00:13:35,959 --> 00:13:37,480
change of heart, whatever the word is that

396
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:39,799
they like to use. I don't necessarily disagree

397
00:13:39,799 --> 00:13:41,684
with these ladies. I empathize with the guys

398
00:13:41,684 --> 00:13:43,284
because the guys are so frustrated. Like, what

399
00:13:43,284 --> 00:13:44,644
do you mean? I'm going to a meeting

400
00:13:44,644 --> 00:13:46,644
or two meetings every week. I've got my

401
00:13:46,644 --> 00:13:49,284
own personal therapist. We have our couples CSAT

402
00:13:49,284 --> 00:13:51,605
that we see. I'm reading all these books,

403
00:13:51,605 --> 00:13:53,125
right? Like, I don't understand. What am I

404
00:13:53,125 --> 00:13:55,559
not doing? Again, it's not a do we

405
00:13:55,639 --> 00:13:57,879
that she's questioning. I would say when I

406
00:13:57,879 --> 00:14:00,519
see partners who are making this accusation or

407
00:14:00,519 --> 00:14:02,919
complaint, it's a feeling that they don't feel.

408
00:14:02,919 --> 00:14:04,059
They don't feel

409
00:14:04,759 --> 00:14:07,320
like you have actually changed all those beliefs.

410
00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:09,000
They don't feel like you know what those

411
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:09,980
beliefs are.

412
00:14:10,394 --> 00:14:11,675
I would say that second one is probably

413
00:14:11,675 --> 00:14:13,115
the most common there. A lot of the

414
00:14:13,115 --> 00:14:14,875
Bridge Aid partners, I hear them say, I

415
00:14:14,875 --> 00:14:17,035
don't feel like you really fully understand your

416
00:14:17,035 --> 00:14:19,535
process addiction and why you did this.

417
00:14:20,075 --> 00:14:21,995
And if you don't understand the intricacies of

418
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,830
the why you perceive that these behaviors were

419
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:26,930
either valuable or worth the risk

420
00:14:27,310 --> 00:14:28,990
and you haven't changed those because think about

421
00:14:28,990 --> 00:14:30,509
it. Your wife brings up a good point.

422
00:14:30,509 --> 00:14:33,070
Right? Like, you thought it was worth the

423
00:14:33,070 --> 00:14:33,570
risk.

424
00:14:33,870 --> 00:14:35,730
You literally took the chance

425
00:14:36,110 --> 00:14:37,629
because you're like, you know what? I want

426
00:14:37,629 --> 00:14:39,945
this so bad. It's worth ending my marriage

427
00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:42,184
over. Right? So, can you see their concerns

428
00:14:42,184 --> 00:14:44,904
of like, you were really, really, really attached

429
00:14:44,904 --> 00:14:47,464
to this thing. And again, they wanna believe

430
00:14:47,464 --> 00:14:49,464
that it's changed, but again, they need to

431
00:14:49,464 --> 00:14:51,784
see that. So, my conclusion here, what would

432
00:14:51,784 --> 00:14:53,610
a recovery plan look like? So in this

433
00:14:53,610 --> 00:14:56,269
case, we need to address this whole scarcity

434
00:14:56,809 --> 00:14:58,110
of females attention

435
00:14:58,410 --> 00:15:00,649
piece. We need to examine why and what

436
00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:03,289
you believe getting attention from these women is

437
00:15:03,289 --> 00:15:05,414
going to do. What's the significance of that?

438
00:15:05,495 --> 00:15:07,095
Right? Why is that? Is it a status

439
00:15:07,095 --> 00:15:09,574
piece? Is it a superiority piece? Is it

440
00:15:09,574 --> 00:15:11,095
just a value piece where you want to

441
00:15:11,095 --> 00:15:13,095
be attractive? And again, why do you want

442
00:15:13,095 --> 00:15:15,754
that? What's so great about being a guy

443
00:15:15,975 --> 00:15:18,214
that all these women are attracted to and

444
00:15:18,214 --> 00:15:20,460
want? Right? What's so great about that? What's

445
00:15:20,460 --> 00:15:22,320
that actually do for your life?

446
00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,300
Right? So again, I can go on and

447
00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:25,340
on and on with this, but there's a

448
00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:28,379
belief system that led you to find some

449
00:15:28,379 --> 00:15:29,440
perceived advantage

450
00:15:29,899 --> 00:15:31,845
in the acting out behaviors that you chose.

451
00:15:31,924 --> 00:15:33,204
And you need to figure out what that

452
00:15:33,204 --> 00:15:35,464
belief system is. And, again, it's not just

453
00:15:35,764 --> 00:15:37,125
the ways of the world. It's also your

454
00:15:37,125 --> 00:15:39,365
belief about yourself. It's what you think that

455
00:15:39,365 --> 00:15:41,125
the world and women or other people are

456
00:15:41,125 --> 00:15:42,964
gonna do to someone like you. Right? So

457
00:15:42,964 --> 00:15:44,264
where's your sense of self?

458
00:15:44,809 --> 00:15:47,049
Right? And is that accurate, right? And then

459
00:15:47,049 --> 00:15:48,589
lastly, what are the strategies,

460
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:51,929
right? So again, to empathize with addicts, right?

461
00:15:51,929 --> 00:15:54,669
They're engaging in this process because they perceive

462
00:15:54,809 --> 00:15:56,889
that there is a value. So they have

463
00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:58,269
developed all these strategies

464
00:15:58,745 --> 00:15:59,865
to feel the way that they want to

465
00:15:59,865 --> 00:16:01,464
feel. So let's look at those strategies and

466
00:16:01,464 --> 00:16:04,584
see, hey, do those strategies work? What part

467
00:16:04,584 --> 00:16:07,225
of sleeping with a prostitute is fulfilling your

468
00:16:07,225 --> 00:16:09,725
need for validation and attention?

469
00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:12,200
You just paid someone to do something that

470
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,720
they wouldn't have done if they didn't have

471
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,639
money. That's not really consent, and you're not

472
00:16:15,639 --> 00:16:17,559
really being chosen. So I think we have

473
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,480
to also examine the insanity of a lot

474
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,720
of these chosen strategies. They're just simply they're

475
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:22,539
not effective.

476
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:25,654
Right? They're actually, in many cases, harming your

477
00:16:25,654 --> 00:16:27,735
ability to really feel the very feelings that

478
00:16:27,735 --> 00:16:30,134
you're pursuing. So recovery plan is a combination

479
00:16:30,134 --> 00:16:32,054
of all those things. Right? Obviously, it's examining

480
00:16:32,054 --> 00:16:34,134
the belief system, your sense of self, your

481
00:16:34,134 --> 00:16:35,674
world view, your definitions

482
00:16:36,294 --> 00:16:38,294
of what respect is and how one gets

483
00:16:38,294 --> 00:16:40,990
it, what superiority is and why someone would

484
00:16:40,990 --> 00:16:42,990
even want that. Right? Is, you know, why

485
00:16:42,990 --> 00:16:44,269
do you need to be better than others

486
00:16:44,269 --> 00:16:45,389
and why do they need to be worse

487
00:16:45,389 --> 00:16:47,549
than you? Right? Where did you learn that

488
00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:49,309
behavior? Again, all of this stuff needs to

489
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:51,584
be discussed. That's a recovery plan because it

490
00:16:51,584 --> 00:16:53,424
is. It's very it's easy to say, oh,

491
00:16:53,424 --> 00:16:55,184
I haven't acted out, so, therefore, I'm in

492
00:16:55,184 --> 00:16:58,225
good recovery or I'm recovered. But, again, I

493
00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,985
disagree with that. I think when we make

494
00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:01,504
a decision, it's based off of a belief

495
00:17:01,504 --> 00:17:03,345
system, a sense of self, and what we

496
00:17:03,345 --> 00:17:05,345
think the world means to our sense of

497
00:17:05,345 --> 00:17:06,909
self. That's why we choose to act the

498
00:17:06,909 --> 00:17:08,829
way that we act. And you need to

499
00:17:08,829 --> 00:17:10,450
assess all of those things for accuracy,

500
00:17:10,750 --> 00:17:12,029
or I don't know if you have a

501
00:17:12,029 --> 00:17:13,390
good recovery plan, and I don't know if

502
00:17:13,390 --> 00:17:15,150
you're actually in good recovery if you don't

503
00:17:15,150 --> 00:17:16,910
know what those things are and what psychology

504
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:18,930
says about changing those beliefs.

505
00:17:19,950 --> 00:17:22,065
Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

506
00:17:22,065 --> 00:17:23,904
are a high achiever of the sex addiction

507
00:17:23,904 --> 00:17:25,664
and you're looking for a recovery group full

508
00:17:25,664 --> 00:17:28,784
of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

509
00:17:28,784 --> 00:17:31,585
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

510
00:17:31,585 --> 00:17:34,079
using four day retreats, weekly group calls,

511
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:41,140
application.

512
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,839
If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

513
00:17:43,839 --> 00:17:45,519
along to a friend in recovery who would

514
00:17:45,519 --> 00:17:47,519
benefit from listening. It is my mission to

515
00:17:47,519 --> 00:17:49,255
get this information out to as many high

516
00:17:49,255 --> 00:17:51,495
achievers as possible, and I can't do it

517
00:17:51,495 --> 00:17:52,475
without your help.