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Good recovery.

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What is it and how do we get

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there?

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever.

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I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The

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Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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more information about joining our group or attending

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our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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Right. That's alright. Everybody's listening to this podcast.

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That's why everybody's watching my YouTube videos.

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We want to get into good recovery.

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Yes. To be able to achieve long term

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sobriety. Right? To be able to change our

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brain processes so that we don't slip, so

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that we don't relapse,

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and

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to save your marriage. I mean, you know,

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when you have betrayed your wife sexually,

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trust is gone. Right? So there's no safety

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there. The safety in the relationship is good

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recovery. That is that is all your wife

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has to lean on. And so it's very

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critical that we

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build good recovery and you guys get it

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in your life. But here's the thing, it

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sounds really easy on paper.

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Sounds really easy on paper. Right? When you

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first get discovered and you and your wife

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first get into recovery and you see your

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certified sex addiction therapist, they're gonna tell you

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what's needed for good recovery. But it sounds

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really easy on paper and getting it implemented

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is actually quite difficult. And I'm gonna spell

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it out for you here in the next

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few minutes. So the first thing that guys

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need, number one, this is without question the

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most important, your

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therapist has already told you this, and it's

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peer support.

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It's peer support. You cannot overcome this addiction

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alone.

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And while therapy is great, therapists are not

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your peers.

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Right? Therapists are therapists. They use their professional

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skill set to help change your

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psychology. Right? Modify your behaviors. They are not

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peer support.

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And so while it's important, you need peers.

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Right? You absolutely need peers. All the research

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points to this. When you're overcoming addictive and

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compulsive behavior, you need to be recovering with

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other men who are recovering

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from the same addiction that you have, which

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brings up an interesting

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question though. Because if it's peer support,

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what if you can't find your peers in

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12 step meetings? Right? And this happens to

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a lot of successful guys, right, as successful

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entrepreneurs

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and, business owners, sales professionals,

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lawyers, doctors, things like this.

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They have a hard time finding their peers

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in 12 step meetings because, you know, high

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achievers, high achieving men, high performing men only

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make up less than 5% of the population.

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So the odds of them being in that

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room are actually quite low.

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Right? So, again, here you are going to

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meetings or going to your therapist's, therapy group

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or or or some other group. And, yeah,

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sure. There's guys there, and, yes, technically, they're

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labeled as sex addicts, but

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their addictions are probably a lot different than

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yours. Right? If you're a if you're a

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high achieving male, a lot of the times,

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you

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are not really a porn addict or a

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sex addict. A lot of times, you are

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addicted to admiration. You know? You want to

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be lusted after. You want attention. Right? You

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want people to notice you. You want women

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to look at you. You wanna feel like,

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you know, the most superior,

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best, you know, attractive guy in the room,

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the guy that all the women want to

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be with and the guy that all men

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wish they could be. Right? That's what most

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high achievers are addicted to. You know, all

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of these sexual behaviors, you know, they just

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kind of happen in the crossfire because women

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have been roped into part of that recipe.

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But I I bring this up because if

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you're going to a support group, a peer

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support group, and the other guys have a

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different kind of addiction than you do. Right?

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They're they're,

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you know, watching porn for hours and hours

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and hours and unable to maintain a job

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or they're,

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you know, they hate their wife and they

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hate their career and they act out as

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a coping mechanism. You know, a lot of

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high achievers can't really resonate with, some of

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those struggles. Right? And you're gonna see a

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lot of that in your typical recovery,

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recovery groups.

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So if they don't feel like your peers,

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is this really peer support? Alright. So that's

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the big thing I would say is number

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one is, you know, connection is not just

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going to a meeting.

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Connection is not just going to the therapy

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group. Right?

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Connection is having

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like minded people who you enjoy being around.

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Right? People who know what it's like to

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be you. Right? People who who live a

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similar lifestyle to you, have similar interests as

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you. You guys can engage in intellectual and

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stimulating conversations. Right? That's that's those are the

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people that we hang around with. That's connection.

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Right? So we know there's the saying, you

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guys have probably heard it. Right? The opposite

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of addiction is not

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recovery. The opposite of addiction is connection.

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But again, can you connect with people that

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you don't have a ton in common with?

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You know, maybe you can get there, but,

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you know, when it comes to addiction, you

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know, we need to connect and we need

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to connect now. Right? So find that group.

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You know? Join join a group full of

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like minded guys. Right? If you are a

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a successful, you know, entrepreneur,

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business professional of some kind, sales professional,

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checking out our groups. Right? My groups, all

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of the men are driven,

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intellectual,

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fun guys. Right? So it's all a bunch

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of high achievers and successful men recovering together.

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And the reason that my program works is

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for that exact reason. They are enjoying

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their time with their peers. Right? They're getting

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real connection and forming real friendships. Right? So

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that's the that's the big thing is, you

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know, they'll tell you when you get into

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this, they'll say, hey. Here's 12 step meetings

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and then, maybe they'll propose a couple other,

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kind of local sex addiction groups.

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And that's fine, but remember, the goal isn't

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to be in a room full of people.

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The goal is to connect. And so if

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you're not connecting, keep searching for another group

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until you can find that connection.

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Number two,

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you need to find out what your process

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addiction is. Right? You know, therapy a lot

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of people just go into therapy and expect

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their therapist to fix them.

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That will happen, but it's gonna take very,

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very long.

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The best way to kinda speed up your

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recovery is to figure out what your process

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addiction is

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and then have your therapist and other people

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in your in your recovery team help you

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overcome that.

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Again, I think this is where a lot

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of men go wrong. They

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assume that this is a sex and porn

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addiction, which is what it's been called, but

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it's actually classified as a process addiction. You're

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addicted to thought processes, and it's gonna be

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different than every other guy in the room.

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Right? In my recovery groups, I do I

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break the guys into small groups of 10,

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and those are the 10 guys that you

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recover with for as long as you're in

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the group. And

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every single one of those guys is gonna

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have a different addiction than you. They're gonna

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have a different brain processes that you're chasing.

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Some are gonna be more after superiority.

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Some are gonna be after

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admiration and getting attention.

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Some are gonna be after control. Right? Some

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want to,

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some want to defy and rebel. Some want

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a secret sexual life. Some are really into

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image management, right, and using women, as part

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of that, you know, enhancing their status. Whatever

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it is, you know, these these every single

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person, every single guy is addicted to a

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different brain process.

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And so the the challenge is we can't

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just walk into therapists and say, hey. Treat

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me. I'm a sex addict. Because

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you're you're not a sex addict. You actually

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have a process addiction, and your process addiction

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is unique to you. And you and your

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therapist need to figure out what those brain

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processes are so that you can fix them,

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which leads me to number three, having a

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recovery plan.

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So having a recovery plan, this is this

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one, I would say, is another huge pitfall.

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You know, a lot of guys are in

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recovery,

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but they don't have a plan for their

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specific

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process addiction.

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And this is not great. Right?

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Your wife's not gonna feel safe. You know,

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a lot of guys, you know, their wives

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tell them, hey. I don't feel like you're

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in good recovery.

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And,

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it's not that she's saying you're not doing

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enough because you probably are. You're probably going

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to meetings and reading books and listening to

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podcasts.

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But what she's probably picking up on, and

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she's probably not wrong, is

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are you actually working on your

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process addiction?

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Right? Or are you just kind of checking

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off the boxes and going through the motions?

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And I think a lot of men think

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they're in good recovery, and I don't blame

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them. I I think they're only,

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not in good recovery because they don't know

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what their process addiction is, and so they're

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not in good recovery because they haven't made

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that plan. So that's the the third point

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of being in good recovery is

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formulating and spelled out step by step plan.

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Hey. This is how

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you overcome these brain processes. Right? This is

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what we know about psychology,

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biology, and science

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around men changing brain processes like this. Right?

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These are the steps that are involved in

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that. And you need to show that plan

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to your wife.

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Right? She needs to see that. Right? She

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she without that, you know, she might be

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seeing you going to your appointments and different

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things,

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and that's good. It's better than nothing, but

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she needs to see the plan. She needs

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to see the plan and she needs to

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see you

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know your plan and she needs to see

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you excited about your plan, which leads me

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to number four and this one's super important.

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And that is recovery needs to be fun.

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I mean, it needs to be enjoyable. Guys,

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you're going to be doing this for a

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long time. This

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is not something that just goes away. You

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know, a lot of these men, you know,

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there's been decades after decade after decade of

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these thoughts being imprinted into your brain by

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others and by yourself. And so, you know,

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changing these and getting these out of your

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life for good,

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it's not a short process.

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It's not short. And so you need to

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enjoy recovery. It needs to be something that

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you're motivated to do. You need to be

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doing it with guys who you enjoy doing

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it with. Right? Because, again, we we think

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about all the things that you've ever done

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in your life. If you don't enjoy them,

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if you're not looking forward to them, how

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much slower do you actually accomplish the thing?

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How how much how much longer does it

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take you to get to the goal? Yeah.

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It takes it takes a lot longer when

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we're not enjoying it. Right? So recovery does.

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It needs to be fun. You know, part

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of the the thing that we've done is

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we have two four day retreats each year

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in our groups. And, you know, obviously, the

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main reason for that is it's way easier

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to create deep connections and friendships in person

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versus just virtually over Zoom. But the other

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reason that I do it is,

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we gotta have something to look forward to.

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I mean, my guys, like, you know, I

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do a really good job of making the

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retreats, really enjoyable. The guys get to be

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really, really close, super vulnerable. You know, it's

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this perfect container to create deep connection. And,

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again, the guys are counting down the days

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until the next retreat. Seriously, like, when the

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retreat's like a couple months out, like, the

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guys are just getting excited. You can just

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feel it. And, and I I think that's

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important. You know? And for the ladies who

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are listening to this, you know, sometimes the

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ladies are like, hey. Why are these guys

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having so much fun? Right? Recovery is not

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supposed to be fun. You know, here I

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am over here suffering, and then he's out,

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you know, hanging out with his guys, having

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a blast. I get that. I get that.

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But at the same time, a boring recovery

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and a monotonous recovery,

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that's unsustainable.

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Right? And so, you know, if your if

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your husband looks bored and checked out and

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is kind kind of getting burned out in

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his recovery, you should be scared. I mean,

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that's you know, that that to me, it's

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it's a pretty big kind of, like, relapse

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risk there. So,

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I hope this was a good short description

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of what good recovery is.

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In the show notes for this episode, I'm

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gonna put a link to the good recovery

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checklist. I have the items that I all

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mentioned. I have a I have another other

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list of six additional items that you guys

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can kind of read through and kinda check

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yourself. Go through that checklist one by one

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by one. Ask yourself, hey. Am I good

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in good recovery? And more importantly, when you're

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done kinda going through that checklist,

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print it off and show it to your

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wife or send her or or forward it

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to her email. But, again, this should be

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a discussion that the two of you should

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be having. Right? Am I in good recovery?

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Because if the answer is no, then you

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need to get into good recovery. And if

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you're doing a really good job and you

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are in fact in good recovery, then great.

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You know, you should still send your wife

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that email so that you can both kind

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of take comfort and have a lot of

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safety and trust in, hey, you know what?

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We're on the right track. We're doing everything

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that we have to do.

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For those of you who want additional questions,

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I am actually a pretty accessible guy. If

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you get on my site, if you think

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that my group is something that you want

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to join,

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there is an application at the bottom. Fill

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that out. You and I will jump on

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a one on one, one hour interview, where

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we can discuss, you know, hey, if is

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this group the right fit for you? How

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does the ins and outs of our process

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work? And see if it's the thing that's

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kind of missing from your recovery plan.

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Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

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are a high achiever with a sex addiction

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and you're looking for a recovery group full

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of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

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We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

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using four day retreats,

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00:12:40,365 --> 00:12:43,590
weekly group calls, calls, and daily accountability

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check ins. If you wanna achieve long term

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sobriety and save your marriage, go to our

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00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,330
website, fill out our application. If you enjoyed

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00:12:49,330 --> 00:12:51,649
this episode, please pass it along to a

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00:12:51,649 --> 00:12:53,649
friend in recovery who would benefit from listening.

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It is my mission to get this information

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out to as many high achievers as possible,

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and I can't do it without your help.