The word “trauma” is often misunderstood. It’s not just abuse… Trauma can be a result of advice, mentorship, or any event for that matter.
Parenting is not about being a “good” parent. Oftentimes, it’s “good parenting” that results in the most trauma to the child.
Kids don’t need someone to tell them who to become, what to believe, and how to live their lives. In fact, overparenting can sometimes be worse than neglect.
Why??
Because kids who have been overparented often believe that they had a “perfect childhood.” Whereas the neglected child knows that they had flawed parents, and they are often more open to being wrong and seeking out new ways of thinking.
This episode may be helpful when looking back and identifying where some of your sex addiction may have stemmed from.
If you want help identifying the root cause of your sex or porn addiction, visit my website: successfuladdict.com
It can be challenging to identify the flaws in your upbringing without a group to help you discover where your problematic beliefs came from and which ones are causing you to act out sexually.
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FULL TRANSCRIPT
1 00:00:00,799 --> 00:00:04,259 If you were born before the year 2025, 2 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:06,740 you experienced childhood trauma. 3 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:10,400 You are listening to the sex addiction podcast 4 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:13,619 for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs. 5 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,695 This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and 6 00:00:16,695 --> 00:00:19,894 recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the 7 00:00:19,894 --> 00:00:22,855 high achiever. I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder 8 00:00:22,855 --> 00:00:25,094 of The Successful Addict, a recovery group for 9 00:00:25,094 --> 00:00:27,414 high achieving men struggling with sex and porn 10 00:00:27,414 --> 00:00:29,894 addiction. For more information about joining our group 11 00:00:29,894 --> 00:00:33,520 or attending our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com. 12 00:00:33,579 --> 00:00:35,679 And now, enjoy the rest of the episode. 13 00:00:37,020 --> 00:00:38,219 I'm gonna say that again. If you were 14 00:00:38,219 --> 00:00:39,659 born before 2025, 15 00:00:39,659 --> 00:00:42,159 a k a everyone listening to this, 16 00:00:42,539 --> 00:00:44,239 you experienced childhood trauma. 17 00:00:44,685 --> 00:00:46,125 And, you know, it's it's one of those 18 00:00:46,125 --> 00:00:47,804 things. Right? We hear the word trauma and 19 00:00:47,804 --> 00:00:49,884 we think that we had bad parents, abusive 20 00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,524 parents. Right? Verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse. 21 00:00:52,524 --> 00:00:54,304 You know, they call those big t traumas. 22 00:00:54,604 --> 00:00:56,445 But, you know, my definition of trauma, and 23 00:00:56,445 --> 00:00:58,125 I've bounced this off of a ton of 24 00:00:58,125 --> 00:00:58,625 therapists 25 00:00:59,140 --> 00:01:00,920 and they all like my definition. 26 00:01:01,219 --> 00:01:03,640 My definition of trauma is anything that alters 27 00:01:04,340 --> 00:01:06,739 the natural course of who you are supposed 28 00:01:06,739 --> 00:01:09,140 to become. Right? So anything that alters that. 29 00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:11,159 Right? So somebody could give you advice. 30 00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,719 Somebody could give you advice, good advice, 31 00:01:14,045 --> 00:01:15,965 right, to become, you know, get into some 32 00:01:15,965 --> 00:01:18,704 sort of successful career and become extremely wealthy. 33 00:01:18,844 --> 00:01:21,084 Right? Buy everything in the world. Right? Win 34 00:01:21,084 --> 00:01:21,984 all these awards. 35 00:01:22,364 --> 00:01:24,045 That could be trauma. Now hear me out 36 00:01:24,045 --> 00:01:25,804 here. Why do I say that? Well, because 37 00:01:25,804 --> 00:01:28,224 let's say you were supposed to become 38 00:01:28,859 --> 00:01:31,039 a musician or a poet 39 00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:33,420 or, maybe you were supposed to open up 40 00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:34,159 a daycare. 41 00:01:34,859 --> 00:01:37,019 Maybe you had a passion of of having 42 00:01:37,019 --> 00:01:39,659 a fly fishing company or a rafting, company 43 00:01:39,659 --> 00:01:41,340 where you would take people rafting down the 44 00:01:41,340 --> 00:01:43,515 Colorado River. You know, whatever it is, if 45 00:01:43,515 --> 00:01:45,194 if that was your dream, that's the thing 46 00:01:45,194 --> 00:01:46,575 that lights you up inside. 47 00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:49,295 And then your mentors, your parents, 48 00:01:49,915 --> 00:01:51,454 you know, television idols, 49 00:01:51,915 --> 00:01:55,435 icons, influencers, whatever. If these people convince you 50 00:01:55,435 --> 00:01:57,355 that you will be happier, that you will 51 00:01:57,355 --> 00:01:57,750 be, 52 00:01:58,230 --> 00:02:00,629 more connected, and you'll have more friends and 53 00:02:00,629 --> 00:02:02,629 more people will like you if you became 54 00:02:02,629 --> 00:02:03,989 a lawyer, doctor, 55 00:02:04,629 --> 00:02:05,689 hedge fund manager, 56 00:02:06,069 --> 00:02:06,629 Wall Street, 57 00:02:07,430 --> 00:02:08,250 stock trader? 58 00:02:08,949 --> 00:02:10,469 You know, any of that if that if 59 00:02:10,469 --> 00:02:13,604 that influenced you to go that route because 60 00:02:13,745 --> 00:02:15,824 you listened to them. Right? Oh, I wanna 61 00:02:15,824 --> 00:02:18,145 have more friends. I want to, win more 62 00:02:18,145 --> 00:02:20,324 awards. I want people to remember my name. 63 00:02:20,544 --> 00:02:22,384 You know, that that kind of influence can 64 00:02:22,384 --> 00:02:24,224 alter the natural course of where you were 65 00:02:24,224 --> 00:02:25,745 going to go, the person you were born 66 00:02:25,745 --> 00:02:26,405 to become. 67 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:28,960 That is trauma. That is trauma. It's none 68 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,240 of those people's business. They should stay out 69 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,180 of your business. I always say this. Parents 70 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,719 should keep you from dying, keep you from 71 00:02:35,719 --> 00:02:38,360 getting arrested, and keeping you from having a 72 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:40,439 child before you're ready ready to have a 73 00:02:40,439 --> 00:02:42,044 child. Those three things, 74 00:02:42,444 --> 00:02:42,944 arresting, 75 00:02:43,405 --> 00:02:46,224 having a kid, or dying. Outside of that, 76 00:02:46,444 --> 00:02:48,205 stay out of your kid's business. Here's the 77 00:02:48,205 --> 00:02:50,044 thing. You know, we we see these bad 78 00:02:50,044 --> 00:02:52,944 kids, rebellious kids, breaking the rules, whatever. 79 00:02:53,324 --> 00:02:56,044 That is a maladaptive behavior from something they 80 00:02:56,044 --> 00:02:57,599 learned. You know, here's the thing that we 81 00:02:57,599 --> 00:03:00,180 know about all humans. Humans don't ever intentionally 82 00:03:00,319 --> 00:03:02,479 do anything to harm themselves. Right? They would 83 00:03:02,479 --> 00:03:05,139 never jeopardize their their their full potential 84 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,599 or harm the potential of another person. Humans 85 00:03:07,599 --> 00:03:09,669 just don't do that. A healthy human whose, 86 00:03:09,669 --> 00:03:12,424 you know, brain's operating correctly, they don't hurt 87 00:03:12,424 --> 00:03:13,805 themselves, they don't hurt others. 88 00:03:14,185 --> 00:03:16,264 So if we see somebody intentionally hurting themselves 89 00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:17,944 or it looks like intentionally and we see 90 00:03:17,944 --> 00:03:20,264 somebody maybe hurting another person, you know, your 91 00:03:20,264 --> 00:03:22,025 first instinct shouldn't be to judge that individual. 92 00:03:22,025 --> 00:03:23,704 You should ask what the heck happened to 93 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,405 them to get them to make that decision. 94 00:03:25,729 --> 00:03:27,090 Right? And it's it's part of the reason 95 00:03:27,090 --> 00:03:28,849 why, you know, I I get I get 96 00:03:28,849 --> 00:03:30,689 so fired up when I when I see 97 00:03:30,689 --> 00:03:31,669 people judging, 98 00:03:32,849 --> 00:03:35,650 or or talking poorly about somebody struggling with 99 00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:38,254 sexually compulsive behavior, porn addiction, sex addiction. You 100 00:03:38,254 --> 00:03:39,875 know, really lights me up because, 101 00:03:40,375 --> 00:03:41,955 I'm I run groups 102 00:03:42,415 --> 00:03:45,375 full of very successful men who give give 103 00:03:45,615 --> 00:03:47,215 I mean, some of them donate half of 104 00:03:47,215 --> 00:03:47,875 their income 105 00:03:48,335 --> 00:03:50,974 to different charitable causes. Right? They're on boards 106 00:03:50,974 --> 00:03:52,814 of nonprofits. I mean, these are good people. 107 00:03:52,814 --> 00:03:54,479 They care about others. They care about the 108 00:03:54,479 --> 00:03:56,659 community. They care about their family, their spouse. 109 00:03:57,039 --> 00:03:59,199 Right? So to cast judgment on this individual 110 00:03:59,199 --> 00:04:01,199 based off of their actions and say that, 111 00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:03,439 oh, that's a that's a measure of their 112 00:04:03,439 --> 00:04:06,240 character, I just completely simply simply I disagree. 113 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,715 I think I think people's actions are a 114 00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:11,615 byproduct of their upbringing, their environment, 115 00:04:12,155 --> 00:04:13,594 the people who are around them. You know, 116 00:04:13,594 --> 00:04:15,594 it's it's a byproduct of the things that 117 00:04:15,594 --> 00:04:17,194 influence them. I I don't think it's a 118 00:04:17,194 --> 00:04:19,355 reflection of their character. I think that's extremely 119 00:04:19,355 --> 00:04:21,595 inaccurate. But back to kind of the trauma 120 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,490 piece. Right? We talk about this in the 121 00:04:23,490 --> 00:04:25,410 in the sex addiction world that, you know, 122 00:04:25,410 --> 00:04:25,889 most, 123 00:04:26,210 --> 00:04:29,029 if not all people with compulsive sexual behavior 124 00:04:29,410 --> 00:04:31,170 came from their childhood trauma. Right? You'll hear 125 00:04:31,170 --> 00:04:32,470 that over and over again. 126 00:04:33,009 --> 00:04:35,009 And it's true, but I think a big 127 00:04:35,009 --> 00:04:37,185 barrier is the word trauma. You know, There's 128 00:04:37,185 --> 00:04:38,625 so many people who think, oh, I had 129 00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:39,365 great parents. 130 00:04:39,985 --> 00:04:41,345 I used to say that. I always said, 131 00:04:41,345 --> 00:04:43,264 oh my gosh, I had great parents because 132 00:04:43,264 --> 00:04:45,345 they loved me, they did everything. We were 133 00:04:45,345 --> 00:04:46,645 poor, but they did everything 134 00:04:47,024 --> 00:04:47,524 that 135 00:04:48,064 --> 00:04:48,725 they could, 136 00:04:49,264 --> 00:04:50,085 even despite 137 00:04:50,839 --> 00:04:52,759 how how poor we were, to have us 138 00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:53,819 have a good life. 139 00:04:54,839 --> 00:04:56,600 But me having a good child is is 140 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,240 complete nonsense. Right? Just because they loved me 141 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,500 and just because they wanted to love me 142 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,180 doesn't mean that they did a good job. 143 00:05:03,319 --> 00:05:05,900 Right? And I think the most common trauma, 144 00:05:06,004 --> 00:05:08,104 especially amongst high achievers and successful men 145 00:05:08,564 --> 00:05:10,884 is a is a performance based household. And 146 00:05:10,884 --> 00:05:12,404 you'll and you'll see you'll see two different 147 00:05:12,404 --> 00:05:14,644 kinds of parents with successful men. Right? It's 148 00:05:14,644 --> 00:05:17,444 either a a performance based household full of 149 00:05:17,444 --> 00:05:19,524 what people would call good parents. Right? You 150 00:05:19,524 --> 00:05:22,529 know, maybe they're fine they have financial means, 151 00:05:23,069 --> 00:05:24,750 you know, they're home a lot, they're attending 152 00:05:24,750 --> 00:05:26,590 all their kids' sporting events, they're coming to 153 00:05:26,590 --> 00:05:28,129 all the kids' after school activities, 154 00:05:28,750 --> 00:05:30,350 you know, they're very involved in their kids' 155 00:05:30,350 --> 00:05:30,850 lives, 156 00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:32,990 you know, the the the child's under the 157 00:05:32,990 --> 00:05:34,670 impression that, oh, wow, I have great parents. 158 00:05:34,670 --> 00:05:37,524 Right? And usually these parents are kinda tooting 159 00:05:37,524 --> 00:05:39,845 their own horn. Right? They're bragging about, oh, 160 00:05:39,845 --> 00:05:41,285 I would never miss any of your sport 161 00:05:41,285 --> 00:05:42,964 games, honey, or, oh, you know, all those 162 00:05:42,964 --> 00:05:44,964 other parents, they they're very, very busy and 163 00:05:44,964 --> 00:05:46,724 they work and we don't do that. We 164 00:05:46,724 --> 00:05:48,404 spend time with you guys. We wanna go 165 00:05:48,404 --> 00:05:50,404 on great family vacations. Right? So a lot 166 00:05:50,404 --> 00:05:52,419 of the times these parents are kind of 167 00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:52,919 reinforcing 168 00:05:53,779 --> 00:05:56,740 that their parenting strategy is the best parenting 169 00:05:56,740 --> 00:05:59,300 strategy or or a good parenting strategy. But 170 00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:00,979 again, I I think that just depends on 171 00:06:00,979 --> 00:06:02,740 the measure. Right? You know, if if the 172 00:06:02,740 --> 00:06:05,884 measurement of good parenting is how many wealthy 173 00:06:05,884 --> 00:06:08,685 kids and financially successful kids that you can 174 00:06:08,685 --> 00:06:09,185 raise, 175 00:06:09,644 --> 00:06:11,564 okay, then maybe they were good parents if 176 00:06:11,564 --> 00:06:12,464 that's the measure. 177 00:06:13,165 --> 00:06:14,925 But, you know, to to to me, what 178 00:06:14,925 --> 00:06:17,324 what's more important? A child who grows up 179 00:06:17,324 --> 00:06:19,920 to become financially independent and is able to 180 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,240 retire in their late forties, is that really 181 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:22,740 success? 182 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,720 What if they're miserable? What if they're empty 183 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,199 inside? Right? What if they end you know, 184 00:06:27,199 --> 00:06:29,920 spend their whole whole life selling something or 185 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,540 or doing a career that they hated, 186 00:06:32,014 --> 00:06:33,615 Right? All to what? Retire early and get 187 00:06:33,615 --> 00:06:34,735 a bunch of money. Is is that a 188 00:06:34,735 --> 00:06:36,254 successful life? Is that what you want for 189 00:06:36,254 --> 00:06:38,175 your children? Right? So when we're thinking about 190 00:06:38,175 --> 00:06:40,334 us, wherever you're listening to this, right, you 191 00:06:40,334 --> 00:06:42,415 know, when we're wondering, hey. Why am I 192 00:06:42,415 --> 00:06:44,430 engaging in this unwanted behavior? Why am I 193 00:06:44,509 --> 00:06:46,430 why have I become addicted to sex or 194 00:06:46,430 --> 00:06:48,029 pornography? How did I get to this point 195 00:06:48,029 --> 00:06:50,269 where I'm paying for sex, hiring prostitutes, using 196 00:06:50,269 --> 00:06:52,449 women, run nightstands, cheating on my wife? 197 00:06:52,990 --> 00:06:55,310 It is from the child from your childhood 198 00:06:55,310 --> 00:06:57,229 trauma. Now, you know, this is a huge 199 00:06:57,229 --> 00:06:58,615 rabbit hole, and we could talk about this 200 00:06:58,615 --> 00:06:59,975 for days and days and days. I mean, 201 00:06:59,975 --> 00:07:01,995 I could have an entire podcast around 202 00:07:02,615 --> 00:07:05,334 childhood trauma and and and the sex addiction 203 00:07:05,334 --> 00:07:07,175 and porn addiction that would follow. But my 204 00:07:07,175 --> 00:07:09,915 point of this particular recording was to just 205 00:07:10,169 --> 00:07:13,129 open everyone's eyes to the fact that, you 206 00:07:13,129 --> 00:07:14,910 know, I don't I don't think there's a 207 00:07:15,289 --> 00:07:17,310 a a person out there who didn't experience 208 00:07:17,449 --> 00:07:19,209 a degree of trauma. Right? And they had 209 00:07:19,209 --> 00:07:21,129 to course correct. You know? And some of 210 00:07:21,129 --> 00:07:23,149 them had great parents and maybe they accidentally 211 00:07:23,289 --> 00:07:24,855 traumatized their kids by, you know, 212 00:07:25,814 --> 00:07:27,814 forcing their beliefs on them or over and 213 00:07:27,975 --> 00:07:30,134 overly encouraging them to go do something and 214 00:07:30,134 --> 00:07:31,735 then they think, ah, shoot. Should we have 215 00:07:31,735 --> 00:07:33,654 really forced them to do that? Right? Was 216 00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:35,574 that kind of wrong? And then you can 217 00:07:35,574 --> 00:07:37,095 always course correct, but that but those are 218 00:07:37,095 --> 00:07:38,620 but those are still traumas even if you 219 00:07:38,620 --> 00:07:40,779 course correct. Right? Somebody knocking you off the 220 00:07:40,779 --> 00:07:42,779 course because you feel like you would be 221 00:07:42,779 --> 00:07:44,240 more loved or a better person, 222 00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:46,879 that's traumatic. That's not your course. 223 00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:49,500 Right? Your parents' job was to have you 224 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:51,754 become you. Right? Figure out what your unique 225 00:07:51,754 --> 00:07:53,435 abilities are, what your passions are, the things 226 00:07:53,435 --> 00:07:54,955 that motivate you so you can live this 227 00:07:54,955 --> 00:07:56,735 really life filled, 228 00:07:57,915 --> 00:08:00,314 fulfilled life that's full of, you know, abundance 229 00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:02,970 and opportunity. Right? That's their job. But we 230 00:08:02,970 --> 00:08:05,629 don't do that. Right? Between school, television, 231 00:08:06,729 --> 00:08:08,889 you know, the the the different, influencers out 232 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:11,229 there on social media, there's so much information 233 00:08:11,289 --> 00:08:14,649 coming at people these days convincing them who 234 00:08:14,649 --> 00:08:16,634 they need to become. Right? And so it's 235 00:08:16,634 --> 00:08:17,914 it's to the point where, you know, we 236 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:20,235 don't raise kids to think independently. We we 237 00:08:20,235 --> 00:08:21,055 raise them 238 00:08:21,514 --> 00:08:24,474 to be successful, to, you know, fulfill their 239 00:08:24,474 --> 00:08:25,134 full potential 240 00:08:25,435 --> 00:08:28,095 according to us. Right? Our definition of success, 241 00:08:28,154 --> 00:08:30,074 our definition of a good life. But that's 242 00:08:30,074 --> 00:08:32,259 not our job. Right? So so to come 243 00:08:32,259 --> 00:08:33,879 back to kind of how this affects, 244 00:08:34,899 --> 00:08:36,200 men, right, it's 245 00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:38,500 a bunch of different ways. Right? If you're 246 00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:41,139 led to believe that the more money you 247 00:08:41,139 --> 00:08:43,779 accumulate and the less debt you have, that 248 00:08:43,779 --> 00:08:45,220 that makes you a good person, that's the 249 00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:47,504 measure of a good life, then you're going 250 00:08:47,504 --> 00:08:49,024 to put a ton of focus on that. 251 00:08:49,024 --> 00:08:51,424 Right? And that could create other voids in 252 00:08:51,424 --> 00:08:53,264 your life. Right? You might spend too much 253 00:08:53,264 --> 00:08:54,804 time working and not enough time, 254 00:08:55,345 --> 00:08:57,584 connecting with others or or get, giving love 255 00:08:57,584 --> 00:08:59,584 or receiving love from others. And so what's 256 00:08:59,584 --> 00:09:01,184 it gonna do? What's that what's that void 257 00:09:01,184 --> 00:09:01,764 you're gonna 258 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,600 going to turn into? Well, it could turn 259 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,039 into a sex and porn addiction. It could 260 00:09:06,039 --> 00:09:08,360 turn into a substance addiction. It could turn 261 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:08,860 into, 262 00:09:10,919 --> 00:09:13,559 a series of divorces and broken relationships from 263 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:16,125 your inability to connect. Right? Let's use another 264 00:09:16,125 --> 00:09:17,485 example. Let's say that, 265 00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:21,404 let's say that you, your girlfriend broke up 266 00:09:21,404 --> 00:09:23,245 with you when you were 12 years old 267 00:09:23,245 --> 00:09:25,245 and she decided to date your best friend. 268 00:09:25,245 --> 00:09:27,084 And your best friend was more muscular than 269 00:09:27,084 --> 00:09:28,429 you, he was more tan than you, his 270 00:09:28,429 --> 00:09:30,190 teeth looked better than you, his parents were 271 00:09:30,190 --> 00:09:32,509 rich and your parents were poor. Right? That 272 00:09:32,509 --> 00:09:35,730 breakup could carry with it a very significant 273 00:09:35,790 --> 00:09:37,470 conclusion. Right? You could draw your you could 274 00:09:37,470 --> 00:09:39,790 draw a conclusion that she left you because 275 00:09:39,790 --> 00:09:41,714 your parents didn't have enough money. Right? She 276 00:09:41,714 --> 00:09:43,794 left you because your clothes weren't the right 277 00:09:43,794 --> 00:09:45,714 brands. Right? Your clothes weren't nice enough. Right? 278 00:09:45,714 --> 00:09:47,315 I mean, who knows the story that this 279 00:09:47,315 --> 00:09:49,075 12 year old boy is gonna tell himself 280 00:09:49,075 --> 00:09:50,834 about why his girlfriend left him and chose 281 00:09:50,834 --> 00:09:53,154 his best friend. But again, that story he 282 00:09:53,154 --> 00:09:54,615 tells himself is trauma. 283 00:09:55,269 --> 00:09:56,470 I think, you know, and that's what I 284 00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:58,070 really what I really wanted to get at 285 00:09:58,070 --> 00:10:00,089 here was I lived my whole life 286 00:10:00,470 --> 00:10:02,629 thinking that I was not traumatized, that I 287 00:10:02,629 --> 00:10:04,710 had a perfect childhood. And the dangers of 288 00:10:04,710 --> 00:10:07,285 that is that anything that screwed up is 289 00:10:07,285 --> 00:10:08,745 your fault. You blame yourself. 290 00:10:09,285 --> 00:10:10,965 Right? That's where the shame comes in. I 291 00:10:10,965 --> 00:10:12,884 am a bad person. I'm a stupid person. 292 00:10:12,884 --> 00:10:13,625 I'm a irresponsible 293 00:10:14,004 --> 00:10:16,485 person, whatever the story may be. And that's 294 00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:18,644 your conclusion based off of the data that 295 00:10:18,644 --> 00:10:20,404 you're getting. And that's that's what we're talking 296 00:10:20,404 --> 00:10:22,230 about here with trauma. It's I I want 297 00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:24,070 everyone to stop thinking about the big t 298 00:10:24,070 --> 00:10:26,730 traumas. Right? Sex abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, 299 00:10:26,789 --> 00:10:28,389 and think about just lessons that you would 300 00:10:28,389 --> 00:10:29,509 learn. You know, one of the one of 301 00:10:29,509 --> 00:10:31,269 the stories I always tell people about my 302 00:10:31,269 --> 00:10:32,409 own trauma was 303 00:10:32,710 --> 00:10:34,470 I, we had this we had this very 304 00:10:34,470 --> 00:10:36,855 wealthy family friend. And I was over at 305 00:10:36,855 --> 00:10:38,695 his house, and he was up in his 306 00:10:38,695 --> 00:10:40,134 office. And he said, hey, Roland. Come over 307 00:10:40,134 --> 00:10:40,634 here. 308 00:10:41,095 --> 00:10:42,535 And he showed me his computer, and his 309 00:10:42,535 --> 00:10:44,715 computer had all these red and green numbers. 310 00:10:45,095 --> 00:10:46,615 And he was showing me, hey. See all 311 00:10:46,615 --> 00:10:48,629 the green on there? You know, that's that's 312 00:10:48,629 --> 00:10:50,070 how much money I made. And he was 313 00:10:50,070 --> 00:10:52,230 saying he said, hey. While you since you 314 00:10:52,230 --> 00:10:53,429 and your family have been here, we were 315 00:10:53,429 --> 00:10:54,870 only there for an hour. He said, since 316 00:10:54,870 --> 00:10:56,950 you and your family were here, I've made 317 00:10:56,950 --> 00:10:58,090 $18,000 318 00:10:58,389 --> 00:10:59,750 doing nothing. Right? And he was he was 319 00:10:59,750 --> 00:11:01,670 trying to teach me about the concept of 320 00:11:01,670 --> 00:11:03,910 compound interest, right, and and investing in the 321 00:11:03,910 --> 00:11:04,365 stock 322 00:11:04,845 --> 00:11:05,504 market. And, 323 00:11:05,964 --> 00:11:07,264 while he meant well, 324 00:11:08,605 --> 00:11:11,245 I all I heard was, wow. This guy 325 00:11:11,245 --> 00:11:14,205 knows way more than my poor dad knows. 326 00:11:14,205 --> 00:11:16,684 Right? So I'm I I and everybody loves 327 00:11:16,684 --> 00:11:18,125 this guy. Right? Here he is. We're at 328 00:11:18,125 --> 00:11:19,745 his 13 bedroom mansion 329 00:11:20,090 --> 00:11:22,009 for this for this party. He's got everybody 330 00:11:22,009 --> 00:11:24,009 over. Everybody loves this guy. He always throws 331 00:11:24,009 --> 00:11:24,910 the best parties. 332 00:11:25,370 --> 00:11:27,690 Everybody at church, you know, love this guy. 333 00:11:27,690 --> 00:11:29,370 Right? They looked at him differently than they 334 00:11:29,370 --> 00:11:30,970 looked at everybody else. So what was the 335 00:11:30,970 --> 00:11:32,730 story that I was telling myself as a 336 00:11:32,730 --> 00:11:33,389 young man? 337 00:11:33,804 --> 00:11:35,504 Watching that, I was thinking, wow. 338 00:11:35,884 --> 00:11:37,665 If I'm gonna become a somebody, 339 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:39,884 I need to learn how these red and 340 00:11:39,884 --> 00:11:42,045 green these red and green numbers work. Right? 341 00:11:42,045 --> 00:11:43,825 And so that that was trauma. 342 00:11:44,205 --> 00:11:47,009 Right? If he had not gone there and 343 00:11:47,009 --> 00:11:48,610 encouraged me to, hey, Roland, you need to 344 00:11:48,610 --> 00:11:49,889 figure this out if you're gonna become a 345 00:11:49,889 --> 00:11:51,570 somebody. He didn't quite say that, but that 346 00:11:51,570 --> 00:11:53,970 was kind of what was insinuated was look 347 00:11:53,970 --> 00:11:56,470 how special I am. Hey, you, you know, 348 00:11:56,769 --> 00:11:58,529 you should go learn how to make passive 349 00:11:58,529 --> 00:12:00,529 income so you can be super rich. Right? 350 00:12:00,529 --> 00:12:02,129 Again, he didn't say that, but that was 351 00:12:02,129 --> 00:12:03,085 what I concluded. 352 00:12:03,544 --> 00:12:05,384 And that's why, you know, I I I 353 00:12:05,384 --> 00:12:07,225 say this for two reasons. One, so you 354 00:12:07,225 --> 00:12:09,625 can honor some of those life experiences that 355 00:12:09,625 --> 00:12:11,144 happened to you, the things that you might 356 00:12:11,144 --> 00:12:14,184 not consider trauma that actually changed the way 357 00:12:14,184 --> 00:12:16,105 you thought because of the conclusion that you 358 00:12:16,105 --> 00:12:16,605 drew. 359 00:12:17,639 --> 00:12:18,839 This could be as simple as I I 360 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,600 think a a a more simple story that 361 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,360 I always tell is I had these three, 362 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,039 these these two best friends. It was the 363 00:12:24,039 --> 00:12:27,399 three of us. And, one summer, they decided 364 00:12:27,399 --> 00:12:29,959 to just unfriend me out of nowhere. They 365 00:12:29,959 --> 00:12:32,039 didn't return my calls. They started hanging out 366 00:12:32,039 --> 00:12:34,274 without me and not inviting me. You know, 367 00:12:34,274 --> 00:12:35,954 and I can't remember what I concluded, but 368 00:12:35,954 --> 00:12:37,634 I felt I felt very rejected. I felt 369 00:12:37,634 --> 00:12:39,235 unwanted. That was the second time that that 370 00:12:39,235 --> 00:12:39,975 had happened. 371 00:12:40,355 --> 00:12:41,554 Right? So now I was thinking something was 372 00:12:41,554 --> 00:12:43,475 wrong. People people don't wanna be friends with 373 00:12:43,475 --> 00:12:45,235 me. Right? And there's some sort of reason 374 00:12:45,235 --> 00:12:46,995 for that. I'm I'm not cool enough. I'm 375 00:12:46,995 --> 00:12:47,894 not funny enough. 376 00:12:48,649 --> 00:12:50,970 Again, I I grew I I we were 377 00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:52,490 poor and a bunch of rich people built 378 00:12:52,490 --> 00:12:54,350 around us, so I accident I accidentally 379 00:12:54,970 --> 00:12:57,370 grew up in a very wealthy neighborhood. So 380 00:12:57,370 --> 00:12:58,730 a lot of the the stories that I 381 00:12:58,730 --> 00:13:00,490 told myself was I'm not rich enough. My 382 00:13:00,490 --> 00:13:02,564 clothes aren't nice enough. Right? I'm not cool 383 00:13:02,564 --> 00:13:04,564 enough. My my parents don't drop me off 384 00:13:04,564 --> 00:13:05,845 in a nice enough car. 385 00:13:06,485 --> 00:13:09,125 My our house is too small and too 386 00:13:09,125 --> 00:13:10,424 poor. Right? And so, 387 00:13:11,444 --> 00:13:12,725 you know, I I I grew up I 388 00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:14,324 I had an LDS family, and we were 389 00:13:14,404 --> 00:13:16,360 I was always getting made fun of for 390 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,839 the religion that my parents had chosen. So 391 00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:21,720 I hated the the Mormon church because, again, 392 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:22,620 you know, everyone's, 393 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,679 making fun of me and calling me names. 394 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,679 So my point of all of, saying some 395 00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:27,980 of these examples is 396 00:13:28,495 --> 00:13:28,894 the, 397 00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:31,314 the conclusion that you come to 398 00:13:32,735 --> 00:13:34,975 has has consequences. Right? As you can hear 399 00:13:34,975 --> 00:13:36,735 some of my stories, I became obsessed with 400 00:13:36,735 --> 00:13:38,735 money. Right? I thought money was gonna be 401 00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:39,934 the answer. I thought it was gonna solve 402 00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:41,454 all my problems. Right? I thought money and 403 00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:42,000 being able 404 00:13:42,639 --> 00:13:43,940 to get girls was gonna be the answer. 405 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,000 And, look what happened to me. Right? It 406 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,720 created all the problems and nearly destroyed my 407 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,139 marriage right now with my soulmate. Right? So, 408 00:13:51,919 --> 00:13:53,679 you know, the the I wanna say one 409 00:13:53,679 --> 00:13:55,759 more quick story for people kinda wrestling with 410 00:13:55,759 --> 00:13:58,274 what's childhood trauma. I had a perfect childhood. 411 00:13:58,274 --> 00:13:59,554 Oh my gosh. I cannot tell you how 412 00:13:59,554 --> 00:14:01,715 many times I've had people tell me they 413 00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:02,615 had a perfect childhood. 414 00:14:03,315 --> 00:14:05,154 Again, this isn't just about your parents. You 415 00:14:05,154 --> 00:14:06,274 know, the story I'm about to tell you 416 00:14:06,274 --> 00:14:07,715 is about kids. Right? This there was a 417 00:14:07,715 --> 00:14:09,509 guy at one at one of my retreats, 418 00:14:09,569 --> 00:14:11,409 and he was just sitting there. We have 419 00:14:11,409 --> 00:14:12,889 this little exercise that we do to kind 420 00:14:12,889 --> 00:14:14,929 of, identify some of the traumatic things that 421 00:14:14,929 --> 00:14:16,949 happened in your life, and his was blank. 422 00:14:17,089 --> 00:14:18,289 And he was just saying, oh, I had 423 00:14:18,289 --> 00:14:20,850 a great childhood. Nothing nothing nothing really happened 424 00:14:20,850 --> 00:14:22,975 to me before I was 10 years old. 425 00:14:23,115 --> 00:14:25,115 And then as we're kinda sharing stories, he 426 00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:26,715 raises his hand. He's like, actually, hey. I 427 00:14:26,715 --> 00:14:27,695 remembered something. 428 00:14:28,554 --> 00:14:30,315 He said, hey. There was this older kid, 429 00:14:30,315 --> 00:14:32,315 and he kept he kept messing up my 430 00:14:32,315 --> 00:14:34,075 hair and and picking on me and bullying 431 00:14:34,075 --> 00:14:36,059 me. And and this next day, I I 432 00:14:36,139 --> 00:14:37,659 I I didn't wanna take it anymore. I 433 00:14:37,659 --> 00:14:39,179 wasn't gonna let him. And, 434 00:14:40,059 --> 00:14:42,299 so he spent time sharpening a little piece 435 00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:44,059 of metal and he hid it in his 436 00:14:44,059 --> 00:14:44,559 mouth. 437 00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:46,220 He hid it in his mouth because he 438 00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:47,659 knew that bully was gonna come and he 439 00:14:47,659 --> 00:14:49,019 was gonna pull this little thing out of 440 00:14:49,019 --> 00:14:50,745 his mouth and he was gonna slice him. 441 00:14:51,464 --> 00:14:53,144 And he did it. And then the bully, 442 00:14:53,144 --> 00:14:54,825 you know, ran off and never bullied him 443 00:14:54,825 --> 00:14:56,825 again. Right? But but this is a kid 444 00:14:56,825 --> 00:14:58,345 who told me I I had a perfect 445 00:14:58,345 --> 00:14:58,845 childhood. 446 00:14:59,384 --> 00:15:01,325 Tell you you told me this. Like, 447 00:15:01,784 --> 00:15:02,845 is sharpening 448 00:15:03,144 --> 00:15:05,245 a blade and hiding it in your knife 449 00:15:05,750 --> 00:15:08,470 a normal childhood? Right? Going to school feeling 450 00:15:08,470 --> 00:15:10,309 like you need to bring a sharpened piece 451 00:15:10,309 --> 00:15:12,789 of metal to defend yourself. I mean, imagine 452 00:15:12,789 --> 00:15:14,970 imagine what it's like to be that kid 453 00:15:15,269 --> 00:15:17,110 wondering when you're gonna get bullied, who's gonna 454 00:15:17,110 --> 00:15:19,044 bully you, Right? To feel like you to 455 00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:21,284 to feel like you're justified in slicing this 456 00:15:21,284 --> 00:15:23,144 kid with a sharp sharpened blade. 457 00:15:24,245 --> 00:15:26,245 That's an example. Like, you know, I I 458 00:15:26,245 --> 00:15:28,965 think it's really hard to remember life before 459 00:15:28,965 --> 00:15:30,085 we were 10, but at the same time, 460 00:15:30,085 --> 00:15:32,350 those are the most formative years. So I 461 00:15:32,350 --> 00:15:33,790 I hope this I hope this I I 462 00:15:33,790 --> 00:15:35,730 know this podcast was a little scattered, 463 00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:37,790 but it was my best efforts to really 464 00:15:37,790 --> 00:15:40,350 just kinda shine light on what trauma is. 465 00:15:40,350 --> 00:15:42,029 You know, trauma can be things that look 466 00:15:42,029 --> 00:15:44,509 really, really good. Trauma can can be really, 467 00:15:44,509 --> 00:15:46,190 really bad things. It can be anything in 468 00:15:46,190 --> 00:15:48,925 between. But remember the definition. Right? It's anything 469 00:15:49,065 --> 00:15:51,785 that somebody or someone or something's gonna do 470 00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:52,445 to you 471 00:15:52,745 --> 00:15:54,605 where you're gonna draw some sort of conclusion 472 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:57,465 that you decide to become someone else besides 473 00:15:57,465 --> 00:15:59,465 who you were born to be. And every 474 00:15:59,465 --> 00:16:01,644 time I see somebody do this, every time 475 00:16:01,865 --> 00:16:02,850 something bad happens, 476 00:16:03,409 --> 00:16:04,289 It might be, 477 00:16:04,690 --> 00:16:07,029 sex or porn addiction. It might be horrible 478 00:16:07,089 --> 00:16:09,169 money habits. It might be poor self esteem. 479 00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:11,809 It might be poor body image. But, you 480 00:16:11,809 --> 00:16:14,230 know, some problem, you know, ruined marriages, 481 00:16:14,610 --> 00:16:17,164 poor parenting, blah blah blah. Some problem is 482 00:16:17,164 --> 00:16:19,424 gonna happen when you are off course. 483 00:16:20,205 --> 00:16:21,664 Something bad will happen. 484 00:16:22,365 --> 00:16:25,404 So, again, explore your traumas because sometimes you 485 00:16:25,404 --> 00:16:27,404 don't even know you're off course until you 486 00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:29,884 really start tracing back into life. Why do 487 00:16:29,884 --> 00:16:31,789 I believe what I believe and what events 488 00:16:31,789 --> 00:16:33,709 in my life made that happen? And that's 489 00:16:33,709 --> 00:16:35,870 when you really start to wonder, how much 490 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:37,950 of the person I'm supposed to become am 491 00:16:37,950 --> 00:16:38,610 I today? 492 00:16:40,589 --> 00:16:42,909 Thanks for listening to this episode. If you 493 00:16:42,909 --> 00:16:44,584 are a high achiever with a sex addiction 494 00:16:44,584 --> 00:16:46,345 and you're looking for a recovery group full 495 00:16:46,345 --> 00:16:49,464 of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com. 496 00:16:49,464 --> 00:16:52,264 We provide men with a recovery mastermind group 497 00:16:52,264 --> 00:16:53,565 using four day retreats, 498 00:16:53,945 --> 00:16:56,684 weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins. 499 00:16:56,745 --> 00:16:59,009 If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and 500 00:16:59,009 --> 00:17:00,850 save your marriage, go to our website and 501 00:17:00,850 --> 00:17:03,090 fill out our application. If you enjoyed this 502 00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:05,329 episode, please pass it along to a friend 503 00:17:05,329 --> 00:17:07,250 in recovery who would benefit from listening. It 504 00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:09,089 is my mission to get this information out 505 00:17:09,089 --> 00:17:11,490 to as many high achievers as possible, and 506 00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:13,109 I can't do it without your help.
