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– When something’s normal,

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– we don’t really feel like we’re necessarily doing

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– anything wrong. We just feel like this is

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– what we need to do. Now, yes. Are

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– these men hiding it? Right? So to some

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– degree, they know. But, again, I think a

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– lot of times what’s going on in their

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– brain is not that this shouldn’t be being

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– done. It’s that they can’t do it without

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– hiding it.

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– You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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– for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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– This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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– recovery principles

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– specifically to the mindset of the high achiever.

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– I’m your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The

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– Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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– men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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– more information about joining our group or attending

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– our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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– And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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– One of the biggest reasons why my podcast

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– has a very different energy and kind of

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– flavor to it compared to many of the

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– other sex edition podcasts is because I really

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– want to attack

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– the shame aspect of this.

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– And I’m not alone on this. We all

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– know, and the research supports it. Right? Shame

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– is the recovery killer. Right? It’s the reason

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– that the whole concept of 12 step was

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– invented with substance addiction was what we found

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– were these substance addicts back in the fifties

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– and sixties. Right? They felt so much shame

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– from society

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– that they just kinda stayed in this relapse

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– cycle forever, right? Would just flounder in sobriety

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– and never actually enter recovery, right? And it

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– was because of the shame. Well, we’ve made

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– a ton of progress with substance addiction. I

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– would say a substance addict can post online

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– and say, hey, one year sober from alcohol,

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– one year sober from heroin, and there’s gonna

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– be 500 comments

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– of support. Right? Whereas if a sex addict

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– says, hey, one year without cheating on my

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– wife or in hiring prostitutes.

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– I don’t know if he’s gonna get any

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– positive compliments. Probably just negative ones. Okay? And

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– I’m sensitive to that because I really dislike

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– hierarchies when it comes to pathologies

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– because we’re just dealt the cards we’re dealt

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– and then we have the pathology that we

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– have.

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– Right? Somebody who has anorexia or bulimia, those

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– are the cards they dealt and they now

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– need to overcome that pathology. Right? Somebody who

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– has developed a very

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– self centered grandiose or narcissistic

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– way of looking at the world, then that’s

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– the cards that they were dealt from their

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– childhood and now they need to overcome

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– some of these traits that they’ve developed. Right?

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– It’s no different with sex addiction. Right? These

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– are the cards that we have been dealt

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– and we now need to overcome them. And

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– so to judge one person more than another

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– person, person, it’s really unfair, and I think

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– it keeps people trapped in their pathology. Right?

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– Because we can’t choose

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– the cards that were dealt. We can’t choose

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– what our brain does.

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– Every single guy in my program would give

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– anything. And some of these guys have a

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– ton of money, and they would give all

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– their money up to have had this not

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– happen. Right? That’s how much they wish they

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– could change this. But what we do know

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– is it will not change in the presence

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– of shame. So I wanna speak to this.

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– The reason that so many of my podcasts

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– are really speaking to

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– how normal this is is to reduce shame.

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– And I think sometimes it can come off

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– as not being necessarily partner sensitive. Right? The

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– fact that I’m talking about how normal objectifying

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– women and using them really for self gain,

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– that can sound very crass and it definitely

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– has some asshole energy to it. But again,

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– remember, there’s a big difference between

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– normal

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– and something

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– that’s healthy or something that we’re promoting. Right?

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– Remember, all normal means is that people are

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– doing it. Right? The people who you consider

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– your social cohort

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– are doing it. And if enough of them

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– are doing it, then it’s normal. Right? So

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– a lot of successful men, they’ll golf or

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– they’ll have some sort of like club that

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– they join in their adulthood. Right? And so

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– it would be considered normal for a successful

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– man or an executive or somebody to golf

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– or maybe they windsurf. They typically will not

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– always, but they’ll commonly engage in a very

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– expensive hobby. Right? And that’s normal amongst their

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– cohort. Right? When you look in their cohort,

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– they’re going on expensive vacations, they have expensive

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– hobbies, etcetera. Right? So that’s how normal works.

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– It’s just when enough of them do it,

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– it becomes normal. So when I’m saying that

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– it’s become normal,

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– especially in successful male circles, that men will

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– desire

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– the attention of other women to feel like

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– they are accomplished, to feel like they’ve made

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– it. That that’s normal amongst successful men. All

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– I’m saying is that enough successful men believe

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– that

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– that it’s become normal.

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– But again, normal does not mean okay.

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– Right? Normal just means that enough people did

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– it to the point where it has now

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– become normal. Right? One of my favorite studies

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– that they did to talk about this is

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– the shopping carts. I don’t know if you

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– guys have heard this. I can’t remember what

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– university did it, but they were in a

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– van and they had cameras set up and

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– they were watching for people who left their

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– shopping cart out and did not return it

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– back to the shopping cart storage rack. And

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– they did it in a Walmart parking lot.

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– In the first day, they just let people

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– leave their shopping carts out and they counted

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– how many shopping carts. I can’t remember what

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– it was. I think it was above 600

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– shopping carts that were just left out in

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– the parking lot. Well, the next day, they

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– came back and they did a different. Every

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– time a shopping cart was left out, somebody

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– from their research team ran over and grabbed

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– the shopping cart, put it back in the

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– shopping cart storage rack. What they found was,

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– I think it was 40 or 50 shopping

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– carts were left out that day, down from

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– 600.

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– And what that study is showing was that

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– when something is normal and convenient, then people

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– will do it. Right? And so in the

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– case of the the first day, right, when

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– there was shopping carts that were left out

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– all over, more and more people were like,

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– I don’t wanna walk back. I’ll just leave

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– my shopping cart here. I’m not gonna mess

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– with it. There’s tons of them out already.

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– You see what I’m saying? They noticed there

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– were tons of shopping carts that were already

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– left out, so then they left theirs out

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– as well because they didn’t want to walk

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– all the way back out in the heat

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– to put their shopping cart back. Whereas in

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– the next day when they put them back

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– people felt guilty for being the first person

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– to leave their shopping cart out. Now not

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– all people because there were still whatever 46

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– people who decided they didn’t care, but it

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– went down from 600. So my point of

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– bringing this up, and I talk about this

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– so much on my podcast, is

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– when something’s normal,

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– we don’t really feel like we’re necessarily doing

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– anything wrong. We just feel like this is

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– what we need to do. Now, yes. Are

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– these men hiding it?

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– Right? So to some degree, they know. But

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– again, I think a lot of times what’s

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– going on in their brain is not that

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– this shouldn’t be being done. It’s that they

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– can’t do it without hiding it. You guys

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– hear the difference between that. Right? So if

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– something was actually truly considered abnormal,

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– these men then would feel guilty and have

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– a desire to not do it because it’s

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– like, God, this is this is not a

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– normal behavior.

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– But then if we feel like it’s normal

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– but we can’t do it, we need to

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– hide it, Then do you see what I’m

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– saying? So we’re still doing something normal, but

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– it’s normal to hide it.

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– And that’s why so many of my podcasts

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– really talk about those cultural aspects of how

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– this has happened because what do we know?

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– People want to be normal. They want to

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– fit in. They want to be like the

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– other in the case of my podcast, it’s

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– geared towards successful men. Right? Successful men typically

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– want to be like other successful men. Right?

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– They wanna be accepted by their successful men.

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– This is why we see successful men typically

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– congregating

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– in the same areas, getting same job positions,

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– going to similar conferences. They want to be

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– in their tribe.

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– So again, what happens if that tribe has

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– now normalized

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– conquesting after women? Right? Getting their attention, getting

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– their approval,

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– having them be attracted to us, having them

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– want us, having them want to sleep with

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– us. Right? If that’s seen as valuable, if

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– that’s a testament to you being a more

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– desirable man or a successful man because you’ve

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– won their attention, right, then that has become

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– normalized. But again, normal doesn’t mean okay. Normal

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– just means that your particular cohort that you

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– wanna be considered normal with has decided to

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– normalize this behavior. So let’s bring this back

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– to shame. Why am I bringing this up?

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– Because this is probably one of the things

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– that I see the most that really hinders

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– recovery in my recovery groups is there’s still

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– shame going on around the behavior.

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– They’re judging themselves

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– for what they’ve done, right? Or they feel

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– very judged by their wife or occasionally even

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– judged by their therapy team for what they’ve

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– done. When in reality,

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– again, kind of coming back to the beginning

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– of this podcast. Right? We’re dealt the cards

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– we’re dealt. And so to me, that’s where

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– we walk this line between

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– how much kind of self forgiveness

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– do we have and how much is too

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– much? And then how much is too much

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– shame? I just wanna clear that up. Right?

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– Is there such a thing as a healthy

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– amount of shame? And is there such a

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– thing as too much self forgiveness? So I

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– wanna speak to that real quick. I’m gonna

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– start with the shame one. Is there such

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– thing as too much shame? Absolutely. Is any

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– shame too much? Yes.

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– Any shame is too much. We don’t shame

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– somebody who has anorexia, which is a very

247
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– prevalent process addiction. And eating disorders are quite

248
00:08:46.779 –> 00:08:48.860
– similar actually to sex addiction. Right? Do we

249
00:08:48.860 –> 00:08:50.915
– shame them? I can’t believe how skinny you

250
00:08:50.915 –> 00:08:52.514
– look. You look disgusting. You need to go

251
00:08:52.514 –> 00:08:54.674
– get you. No. We don’t do that. Right?

252
00:08:54.674 –> 00:08:56.215
– Do we shame alcoholics?

253
00:08:56.835 –> 00:08:58.514
– If your, you know, family member or a

254
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– child of yours develops an alcohol problem or

255
00:09:00.674 –> 00:09:02.674
– substance problem. No. We shower them with love.

256
00:09:02.674 –> 00:09:04.934
– We encourage them. Right? We show them grace,

257
00:09:05.279 –> 00:09:05.779
– understanding.

258
00:09:06.480 –> 00:09:08.019
– Right? We show them compassion.

259
00:09:08.480 –> 00:09:10.159
– And then we try to show up with

260
00:09:10.159 –> 00:09:12.799
– curiosity. Right? How did this happen? Why how

261
00:09:12.799 –> 00:09:14.799
– did you start making such decisions? We don’t

262
00:09:14.799 –> 00:09:16.799
– see that tenderness within sex addiction. Now I

263
00:09:16.799 –> 00:09:18.480
– want to speak out back to the partners

264
00:09:18.480 –> 00:09:20.154
– real quick. I get it. This is the

265
00:09:20.154 –> 00:09:21.754
– worst thing that has ever happened to you.

266
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– It is unfair.

267
00:09:23.035 –> 00:09:24.955
– A lot of it is pretty gross. I

268
00:09:24.955 –> 00:09:27.215
– mean, my wife is very offended

269
00:09:27.995 –> 00:09:30.715
– by, now that we’ve gone through this, my

270
00:09:30.715 –> 00:09:32.575
– wife is very offended and triggered

271
00:09:32.960 –> 00:09:36.000
– by male culture and how they view women

272
00:09:36.000 –> 00:09:38.160
– and and how they talk about women and

273
00:09:38.160 –> 00:09:40.019
– and this overemphasis on their appearance.

274
00:09:40.399 –> 00:09:42.320
– Right? And it’s not just male culture. It’s

275
00:09:42.320 –> 00:09:44.580
– also really off putting to her the media

276
00:09:44.639 –> 00:09:46.960
– and how women are constantly shown as, you

277
00:09:46.960 –> 00:09:48.754
– know, you look at the cover of magazines

278
00:09:48.815 –> 00:09:50.174
– and how they’re shown on the cover of

279
00:09:50.174 –> 00:09:52.434
– magazines. You look at advertisements and media, cheerleaders,

280
00:09:52.495 –> 00:09:55.454
– right? The ideal woman and their objectification of

281
00:09:55.454 –> 00:09:58.095
– their bodies is front and center on endless

282
00:09:58.095 –> 00:10:00.014
– amounts of pretty much everywhere you look in

283
00:10:00.014 –> 00:10:02.199
– our world, Right? And this is this normalization

284
00:10:02.579 –> 00:10:04.500
– aspect. Right? So what I’m saying is how

285
00:10:04.500 –> 00:10:06.740
– much shame is too much shame? Any. We

286
00:10:06.740 –> 00:10:07.879
– don’t need to shame.

287
00:10:08.419 –> 00:10:09.699
– We don’t need to do that. There’s no

288
00:10:09.699 –> 00:10:11.379
– benefit to that. Actually, in fact, what we

289
00:10:11.379 –> 00:10:13.639
– know the research shows is it blocks recovery.

290
00:10:14.154 –> 00:10:16.715
– Right? And so and this includes shameful conversations,

291
00:10:16.715 –> 00:10:18.235
– but I’m also talking to the men here.

292
00:10:18.235 –> 00:10:20.174
– Guys, you gotta be careful shaming yourselves

293
00:10:20.715 –> 00:10:21.774
– for what you’ve done.

294
00:10:22.154 –> 00:10:24.794
– Right? Remorse is far more healthy. Right? Remorse

295
00:10:24.794 –> 00:10:26.154
– is, man, I wish I could go back

296
00:10:26.154 –> 00:10:28.100
– and have done it different. Gosh, if I

297
00:10:28.100 –> 00:10:29.700
– could just have a time machine, I would

298
00:10:29.700 –> 00:10:30.899
– go back and I would not have made

299
00:10:30.899 –> 00:10:33.139
– any of those decisions. Right? That’s healthy. That’s

300
00:10:33.139 –> 00:10:34.440
– healthy. Shame

301
00:10:34.820 –> 00:10:36.820
– is not. Right? Shame is a rotten feeling.

302
00:10:36.820 –> 00:10:38.580
– It’s going to prevent you from recovering. So

303
00:10:38.580 –> 00:10:40.200
– let’s go to the other side. Self forgiveness.

304
00:10:40.259 –> 00:10:41.320
– Is there too much

305
00:10:41.634 –> 00:10:42.454
– self forgiveness?

306
00:10:42.995 –> 00:10:44.134
– I’m going to answer that

307
00:10:44.434 –> 00:10:46.834
– carefully because I’m all about self forgiveness and

308
00:10:46.834 –> 00:10:48.115
– I think it’s one of the most powerful

309
00:10:48.115 –> 00:10:49.475
– things you can do in recovery. It was

310
00:10:49.475 –> 00:10:50.914
– right for me, it was when I got

311
00:10:50.914 –> 00:10:53.794
– into a really strong lasting recovery was when

312
00:10:53.794 –> 00:10:56.139
– I actually really started to forgive myself. But

313
00:10:56.139 –> 00:10:57.740
– here’s where I want to be careful is

314
00:10:57.740 –> 00:10:59.839
– there’s a big difference between forgiveness

315
00:11:01.659 –> 00:11:03.919
– and just simply like trying to not

316
00:11:04.299 –> 00:11:06.379
– shame yourself. There’s a big, big, big, big

317
00:11:06.379 –> 00:11:07.980
– difference and I think the guys who try

318
00:11:07.980 –> 00:11:10.654
– to not shame themselves, that’s not self forgiveness.

319
00:11:10.654 –> 00:11:12.014
– Right? The guys who just try to not

320
00:11:12.014 –> 00:11:14.514
– shame themselves, those guys actually may

321
00:11:15.054 –> 00:11:17.855
– slip because of how, you know, in many

322
00:11:17.855 –> 00:11:18.995
– ways, they’re minimizing

323
00:11:20.095 –> 00:11:22.110
– the size of what they’ve done. But to

324
00:11:22.110 –> 00:11:23.629
– go back to my question, right, is there

325
00:11:23.629 –> 00:11:25.330
– such thing as too much self forgiveness

326
00:11:25.870 –> 00:11:27.710
– to the point where the compulsive guy is

327
00:11:27.710 –> 00:11:30.690
– not, you know, really policing his his compulsivity

328
00:11:30.990 –> 00:11:32.509
– enough to the point where he actually is

329
00:11:32.509 –> 00:11:34.669
– at risk of relapse? No. I think endless

330
00:11:34.669 –> 00:11:36.269
– amounts of self forgiveness is great, but it

331
00:11:36.269 –> 00:11:38.804
– needs to be real self forgiveness. It cannot

332
00:11:38.804 –> 00:11:41.284
– just be trying to see yourself in a

333
00:11:41.284 –> 00:11:42.024
– good light

334
00:11:42.325 –> 00:11:44.804
– and ignoring some of the hard truths. And

335
00:11:44.804 –> 00:11:46.884
– again, this is why it’s so important that

336
00:11:46.884 –> 00:11:49.044
– you are in a recovery group who really

337
00:11:49.044 –> 00:11:51.190
– knows you. It’s important that you’re in a

338
00:11:51.190 –> 00:11:53.509
– recovery group who calls you out. Right? And

339
00:11:53.509 –> 00:11:55.509
– it’s important you’re in a recovery group where,

340
00:11:55.509 –> 00:11:57.610
– yeah, you’re making sure that

341
00:11:57.910 –> 00:11:59.049
– you are in fact

342
00:11:59.750 –> 00:12:01.370
– trying to forgive yourself

343
00:12:01.910 –> 00:12:02.809
– rather than

344
00:12:03.254 –> 00:12:05.174
– minimize or rather than just try to see

345
00:12:05.174 –> 00:12:07.415
– yourself in a positive light without changing. And

346
00:12:07.415 –> 00:12:08.934
– I know that sounds like the way I’m

347
00:12:08.934 –> 00:12:11.115
– describing it right here sounds really

348
00:12:11.575 –> 00:12:12.934
– easy. Like a lot of guys would listen

349
00:12:12.934 –> 00:12:14.054
– to that and be like, oh, yeah, Roland,

350
00:12:14.054 –> 00:12:15.654
– I’m not doing that. Like I’m you’d be

351
00:12:15.654 –> 00:12:17.654
– surprised though. You’d be surprised. There’s there’s a

352
00:12:17.654 –> 00:12:20.110
– lot of guys who in their heads, they

353
00:12:20.110 –> 00:12:22.190
– really think like, man, they need to cut

354
00:12:22.190 –> 00:12:23.549
– me some slack. Like I’m trying you know,

355
00:12:23.549 –> 00:12:25.470
– and they are in this mindset that like

356
00:12:25.470 –> 00:12:27.149
– this is that what’s being done to them

357
00:12:27.149 –> 00:12:29.389
– is unfair. And they really truly believe it’s

358
00:12:29.389 –> 00:12:31.149
– unfair. I’ve been one of those guys. And

359
00:12:31.149 –> 00:12:33.070
– it’s not until your your recovery group looks

360
00:12:33.070 –> 00:12:34.129
– at it and they go,

361
00:12:34.684 –> 00:12:36.125
– I don’t know. I think I think what

362
00:12:36.125 –> 00:12:38.704
– she’s asking of you is actually quite fair

363
00:12:39.164 –> 00:12:41.404
– and very realistic. Right? So you need other

364
00:12:41.404 –> 00:12:43.884
– people to check your perception of reality. Right?

365
00:12:43.884 –> 00:12:47.164
– Because again, humans have a very strong desire

366
00:12:47.164 –> 00:12:49.169
– to see themselves in a positive light. Right

367
00:12:49.169 –> 00:12:51.490
– now I would say high achieving men struggle

368
00:12:51.490 –> 00:12:53.730
– with this even more, right? High achieving men

369
00:12:53.730 –> 00:12:56.370
– like myself, we struggle with a lot of

370
00:12:56.370 –> 00:12:57.350
– pride and grandiosity

371
00:12:58.129 –> 00:13:00.690
– and our image is so important. In many

372
00:13:00.690 –> 00:13:02.370
– ways, a lot of what we do from

373
00:13:02.370 –> 00:13:05.384
– a leadership standpoint and entrepreneurial standpoint, our image

374
00:13:05.384 –> 00:13:06.985
– is important because we live in a very

375
00:13:06.985 –> 00:13:09.945
– image focused world. And so our image is

376
00:13:09.945 –> 00:13:11.945
– absolutely important for a lot of the things

377
00:13:11.945 –> 00:13:12.825
– that we do, a lot of the good

378
00:13:12.825 –> 00:13:14.425
– things that we do. But we have to

379
00:13:14.425 –> 00:13:17.225
– make be be very careful of is our

380
00:13:17.225 –> 00:13:18.925
– self importance and our exaggerated

381
00:13:19.384 –> 00:13:22.269
– kind of protection around our image is that

382
00:13:22.269 –> 00:13:24.429
– harming us. And I think for at least

383
00:13:24.429 –> 00:13:26.269
– high achieving men, it can be really hard

384
00:13:26.269 –> 00:13:27.950
– to see. I mean, the reason I am

385
00:13:27.950 –> 00:13:31.070
– still seeing a therapist every single week too,

386
00:13:31.070 –> 00:13:33.149
– and I still go to intensives multiple times

387
00:13:33.149 –> 00:13:35.095
– a year is what I have realized is

388
00:13:35.095 –> 00:13:37.174
– life is a series of discovering things that

389
00:13:37.174 –> 00:13:39.014
– you cannot see on your own. Right? And

390
00:13:39.014 –> 00:13:41.254
– having somebody else, you know, help you see

391
00:13:41.254 –> 00:13:43.495
– pathologies or or just different things that that

392
00:13:43.495 –> 00:13:45.254
– you’re doing that are harming you. Right? So

393
00:13:45.254 –> 00:13:46.475
– have a good accountability

394
00:13:46.855 –> 00:13:48.694
– group. That way you can double check your

395
00:13:48.694 –> 00:13:49.355
– thought process.

396
00:13:49.769 –> 00:13:52.090
– So in conclusion, what am I trying to

397
00:13:52.090 –> 00:13:53.389
– get at with this episode?

398
00:13:53.930 –> 00:13:56.810
– Again, there is this fine line between wanting

399
00:13:56.810 –> 00:13:58.750
– the behaviors to be bad

400
00:13:59.210 –> 00:14:00.889
– and having this because again, you know, there

401
00:14:00.889 –> 00:14:02.910
– is a lot of, like, justice and vengeance,

402
00:14:02.970 –> 00:14:05.285
– and this is so wrong. What was done

403
00:14:05.285 –> 00:14:06.884
– to the partners is so unfair. Right? So

404
00:14:06.884 –> 00:14:08.485
– there is a lot of that. And again,

405
00:14:08.485 –> 00:14:10.245
– we wanna find this happy medium of of

406
00:14:10.245 –> 00:14:12.404
– being like, yeah, that is unfair. And I

407
00:14:12.404 –> 00:14:14.085
– can’t you know, and and it is so

408
00:14:14.085 –> 00:14:14.585
– sad

409
00:14:15.285 –> 00:14:17.764
– that so many men are doing this to

410
00:14:17.764 –> 00:14:18.425
– their wives.

411
00:14:19.019 –> 00:14:20.540
– Right? So we wanna stay there and stay

412
00:14:20.540 –> 00:14:22.559
– present with that because that is tragic.

413
00:14:23.019 –> 00:14:24.620
– And a lot of these women are never

414
00:14:24.620 –> 00:14:26.540
– the same again, and how unfair is that.

415
00:14:26.540 –> 00:14:28.240
– Right? So we wanna sit with that.

416
00:14:28.540 –> 00:14:30.000
– Right? That’s partner sensitivity.

417
00:14:30.300 –> 00:14:32.300
– And we wanna be careful that we don’t

418
00:14:32.300 –> 00:14:34.495
– shame ourselves for being one of the guys

419
00:14:34.495 –> 00:14:35.154
– who participated.

420
00:14:35.534 –> 00:14:38.115
– Because I always say this, every single human

421
00:14:38.174 –> 00:14:41.075
– behavior, every single action we make is justified

422
00:14:41.134 –> 00:14:42.914
– in our in our little world.

423
00:14:43.375 –> 00:14:45.534
– It is justified. In that moment, we have

424
00:14:45.534 –> 00:14:46.034
– somehow,

425
00:14:46.539 –> 00:14:47.919
– in a lot of ways, in a delusion,

426
00:14:48.220 –> 00:14:50.220
– we have justified that behavior. We have said

427
00:14:50.220 –> 00:14:52.220
– that that is normal or we deserve it

428
00:14:52.220 –> 00:14:53.740
– or well, that’s worth it as long as

429
00:14:53.740 –> 00:14:54.940
– I don’t get caught and I won’t get

430
00:14:54.940 –> 00:14:57.259
– caught, etcetera. Whatever the narrative is in your

431
00:14:57.259 –> 00:15:00.320
– brain, right? That crazy, delusional, addictive narrative,

432
00:15:00.794 –> 00:15:03.754
– Right? Whatever that narrative is, right, that’s the

433
00:15:03.754 –> 00:15:05.674
– thing that we need to attack. That’s your

434
00:15:05.674 –> 00:15:08.554
– recovery work. Right? Because that narrative is the

435
00:15:08.554 –> 00:15:10.475
– reason you cheated on your wife. You guys

436
00:15:10.475 –> 00:15:12.575
– see the difference between this? It’s that narrative

437
00:15:13.139 –> 00:15:15.220
– that ruined your life, not you, right? And

438
00:15:15.220 –> 00:15:16.519
– that’s the difference between

439
00:15:17.059 –> 00:15:19.860
– shame and something that’s unproductive versus looking at

440
00:15:19.860 –> 00:15:21.540
– it in a very healthy way, right? What

441
00:15:21.540 –> 00:15:23.379
– we know is humans are a victim of

442
00:15:23.379 –> 00:15:24.120
– their environment,

443
00:15:24.420 –> 00:15:26.820
– right? The mentors, the TV shows they watch,

444
00:15:26.820 –> 00:15:29.575
– friends, right? Our environment changes us and it

445
00:15:29.575 –> 00:15:31.095
– alters the ways that we make decisions, it

446
00:15:31.095 –> 00:15:32.294
– alters the way that we think, and it

447
00:15:32.294 –> 00:15:33.894
– alter the way we see the world, right?

448
00:15:33.894 –> 00:15:35.894
– So if you are seeing the world in

449
00:15:35.894 –> 00:15:37.495
– a way that is harming your life and

450
00:15:37.495 –> 00:15:39.095
– the future that you want and harming the

451
00:15:39.095 –> 00:15:41.170
– people you love and harming yourself, Right? What

452
00:15:41.170 –> 00:15:42.769
– we need to figure out is what did

453
00:15:42.769 –> 00:15:43.509
– I learn

454
00:15:44.129 –> 00:15:46.850
– that made me think that acting this way

455
00:15:46.850 –> 00:15:48.769
– was okay or I was gonna get what

456
00:15:48.769 –> 00:15:51.410
– I wanted. Right? And that’s the recovery work.

457
00:15:51.410 –> 00:15:53.009
– And I hope this helps because I do.

458
00:15:53.009 –> 00:15:54.769
– I see I see so many men who

459
00:15:54.769 –> 00:15:55.490
– want to

460
00:15:56.065 –> 00:15:57.825
– they want the things that they did to

461
00:15:57.825 –> 00:16:00.785
– be awful and disgusting and gross and I

462
00:16:00.785 –> 00:16:02.004
– get it, they are.

463
00:16:02.305 –> 00:16:03.504
– But I think we need to be very,

464
00:16:03.504 –> 00:16:05.504
– very careful and I think focusing on that

465
00:16:05.504 –> 00:16:07.345
– is actually a distraction and actually keep you

466
00:16:07.345 –> 00:16:09.129
– in bad recovery. I think you would get

467
00:16:09.129 –> 00:16:12.169
– a far bigger ROI than focusing on how

468
00:16:12.169 –> 00:16:13.929
– did this happen? How did I think this

469
00:16:13.929 –> 00:16:15.289
– was okay? How did I think this was

470
00:16:15.289 –> 00:16:18.009
– normal? Because that pathway is far less shaming.

471
00:16:18.009 –> 00:16:19.529
– What do we know about shame? It’s a

472
00:16:19.529 –> 00:16:20.414
– recovery killer.

473
00:16:21.934 –> 00:16:24.095
– Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

474
00:16:24.095 –> 00:16:25.855
– are a high achiever with a sex addiction

475
00:16:25.855 –> 00:16:27.615
– and you’re looking for a recovery group full

476
00:16:27.615 –> 00:16:30.654
– of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

477
00:16:30.654 –> 00:16:33.454
– We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

478
00:16:33.454 –> 00:16:34.754
– using four day retreats,

479
00:16:35.199 –> 00:16:37.940
– weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

480
00:16:38.000 –> 00:16:40.159
– If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

481
00:16:40.159 –> 00:16:42.079
– save your marriage, go to our website and

482
00:16:42.079 –> 00:16:42.980
– fill out our application.

483
00:16:43.360 –> 00:16:45.759
– If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

484
00:16:45.759 –> 00:16:47.440
– along to a friend in recovery who would

485
00:16:47.440 –> 00:16:49.360
– benefit from listening. It is my mission to

486
00:16:49.360 –> 00:16:51.099
– get this information out to as many high

487
00:16:51.099 –> 00:16:53.339
– achievers as possible, and I can’t do it

488
00:16:53.339 –> 00:16:54.319
– without your help.