1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,760
A lot of men try to take one

2
00:00:01,760 --> 00:00:03,919
treatment method and apply it to every single

3
00:00:03,919 --> 00:00:06,319
acting out behavior. I think that's extremely naive

4
00:00:06,319 --> 00:00:08,880
because what you'll find is because each one

5
00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:10,639
kinda started at a different age and a

6
00:00:10,639 --> 00:00:12,639
different time in your life, each one has

7
00:00:12,639 --> 00:00:15,144
the potential to be driven by different driver

8
00:00:15,144 --> 00:00:16,204
with a different objective.

9
00:00:16,824 --> 00:00:18,925
You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

10
00:00:18,984 --> 00:00:22,204
for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

11
00:00:22,585 --> 00:00:25,144
This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

12
00:00:25,144 --> 00:00:27,884
recovery principles specifically to the mindset

13
00:00:28,184 --> 00:00:30,440
of the high achiever. I'm your host, Roland

14
00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:33,159
Cochran, founder of The Successful Addict, a recovery

15
00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:35,640
group for high achieving men struggling with sex

16
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,880
and porn addiction. For more information about joining

17
00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:40,359
our group or attending our next retreat, visit

18
00:00:40,359 --> 00:00:42,060
successfuladdict.com.

19
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,219
And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

20
00:00:46,315 --> 00:00:48,315
Have you ever noticed how some acting out

21
00:00:48,315 --> 00:00:50,895
behaviors are easier to stop than others?

22
00:00:51,435 --> 00:00:53,195
Right? Some right when you get caught and

23
00:00:53,195 --> 00:00:55,435
you get into recovery, some behaviors just go

24
00:00:55,435 --> 00:00:57,914
away. With others, kinda stick around. Right? There

25
00:00:57,995 --> 00:01:00,440
there's that temptation, that constant kind of nagging

26
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:02,039
in the brain telling you go do it.

27
00:01:02,039 --> 00:01:03,399
Go do it. How nice would this be?

28
00:01:03,399 --> 00:01:03,899
Right?

29
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,920
And, maybe you're still sober. Right? Maybe you're

30
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,840
not acting on those things. But the question

31
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:11,114
just becomes, how long until you do? Right?

32
00:01:11,114 --> 00:01:12,875
And, again, that's why I think we see

33
00:01:12,875 --> 00:01:14,415
such a high level of relapse

34
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:17,594
in this space is, you know, guys don't

35
00:01:17,594 --> 00:01:19,754
get into great recovery, and they think that,

36
00:01:19,754 --> 00:01:21,775
oh, just because I'm not acting out now

37
00:01:22,075 --> 00:01:24,474
doesn't necessarily mean you're not gonna act out

38
00:01:24,474 --> 00:01:25,995
three years from now, four years from now,

39
00:01:25,995 --> 00:01:27,569
five years from now. And the reason for

40
00:01:27,569 --> 00:01:30,290
this is each acting out behavior has the

41
00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:30,790
potential

42
00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:32,150
to be driven

43
00:01:32,689 --> 00:01:33,750
by a different,

44
00:01:34,290 --> 00:01:36,530
a different why, a different cause, a different

45
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:37,030
pathology.

46
00:01:37,729 --> 00:01:38,609
Right? So,

47
00:01:38,930 --> 00:01:41,625
you know, while one activity might be an

48
00:01:41,625 --> 00:01:43,965
escapist, right, it might be a coping mechanism,

49
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,164
right, a dopaminergic

50
00:01:45,545 --> 00:01:46,045
release,

51
00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:48,344
on the other hand, you might have other

52
00:01:48,344 --> 00:01:50,504
acting out behaviors that are around getting attention,

53
00:01:50,504 --> 00:01:53,020
validation. Right? Maybe you're seeking novelty. So we're

54
00:01:53,020 --> 00:01:54,459
gonna talk about all these different things and

55
00:01:54,459 --> 00:01:57,680
the different, kind of whys and drivers behind

56
00:01:57,819 --> 00:01:59,980
men, the different men's addictions who have come

57
00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:01,740
through my program as a way to kinda

58
00:02:01,740 --> 00:02:02,960
help you examine

59
00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:04,560
your acting out behaviors.

60
00:02:05,115 --> 00:02:06,395
Because I do I do. I think a

61
00:02:06,395 --> 00:02:08,395
lot of men try to take one treatment

62
00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:10,395
method and apply it to every single acting

63
00:02:10,395 --> 00:02:12,555
out behavior. And I think that's extremely naive

64
00:02:12,555 --> 00:02:14,635
because I think you'll what you'll find is

65
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,955
because each one kinda started at a different

66
00:02:16,955 --> 00:02:18,314
age and at a different time in your

67
00:02:18,314 --> 00:02:18,814
life,

68
00:02:19,590 --> 00:02:22,229
each one has the potential to be driven

69
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,550
by a different, a different driver with a

70
00:02:24,550 --> 00:02:26,629
different objective. And I'm gonna talk about each

71
00:02:26,629 --> 00:02:28,310
one just to kinda help you, wrap your

72
00:02:28,310 --> 00:02:30,310
head around it. I'm not gonna go into

73
00:02:30,310 --> 00:02:32,870
too crazy detail just because this podcast would

74
00:02:32,870 --> 00:02:34,555
be hours and hours long, but I'm just

75
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,555
gonna kinda bring you some examples so that

76
00:02:36,555 --> 00:02:38,715
you can wrap your head around. Okay. What

77
00:02:38,715 --> 00:02:41,455
is driving this specific behavior, and is another

78
00:02:41,515 --> 00:02:43,915
acting out behavior driven by another, a different

79
00:02:44,075 --> 00:02:46,395
or different reason, different cause? So let's start

80
00:02:46,395 --> 00:02:47,055
with pornography.

81
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:48,254
With pornography,

82
00:02:48,790 --> 00:02:51,270
you know, a lot of, you know, men,

83
00:02:51,270 --> 00:02:53,590
you know, they're they're consuming pornography. And when

84
00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:55,909
you're when you're looking at something through the

85
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:56,409
eyes,

86
00:02:56,790 --> 00:02:59,450
an image, a video, it it's primarily dopaminergic.

87
00:02:59,750 --> 00:03:01,830
So I would say pornography is probably one

88
00:03:01,830 --> 00:03:03,435
of I'm not gonna say easy, but I

89
00:03:03,435 --> 00:03:05,034
would say it's definitely one of the more

90
00:03:05,034 --> 00:03:05,534
simple

91
00:03:05,915 --> 00:03:06,895
acting out behaviors

92
00:03:07,275 --> 00:03:09,275
to examine in the sense that because you're

93
00:03:09,275 --> 00:03:12,075
consuming it through the eyes, it's releasing dopamine

94
00:03:12,075 --> 00:03:13,515
in the brain. And so what we know

95
00:03:13,515 --> 00:03:16,314
about dopamine is that it hijacks our focus

96
00:03:16,314 --> 00:03:18,389
and motivation towards whatever the thing is that

97
00:03:18,389 --> 00:03:20,650
we're paying attention to. So guys will consume

98
00:03:20,870 --> 00:03:21,370
pornography

99
00:03:22,230 --> 00:03:25,030
to, hijack their attention away from something else.

100
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:27,110
Right? And so that's why it's commonly spoken

101
00:03:27,110 --> 00:03:29,574
about as a coping mechanism. Right? I'm gonna

102
00:03:29,574 --> 00:03:31,354
go turn to, porn

103
00:03:32,055 --> 00:03:35,175
or or or some visual image to captivate

104
00:03:35,175 --> 00:03:36,694
my attention over here so that I don't

105
00:03:36,694 --> 00:03:38,854
have to pay attention to any kind of

106
00:03:38,854 --> 00:03:39,354
unwanted

107
00:03:39,735 --> 00:03:42,830
feelings, unwanted thoughts. Maybe you have a long

108
00:03:42,830 --> 00:03:44,430
to do list and it's stressing you out

109
00:03:44,430 --> 00:03:46,049
and you're, you know, you're procrastinating.

110
00:03:46,509 --> 00:03:48,289
So you'll go and do something dopaminergic.

111
00:03:48,669 --> 00:03:50,509
And during that time, especially with something like

112
00:03:50,509 --> 00:03:53,229
sex and pornography, it's extremely captivating. So your

113
00:03:53,229 --> 00:03:54,590
attention goes all the way over there and

114
00:03:54,590 --> 00:03:56,324
you forget about your life. Right?

115
00:03:56,625 --> 00:03:58,004
So pornography is largely

116
00:03:58,465 --> 00:04:00,305
an an escape. It's it's a it's a

117
00:04:00,305 --> 00:04:02,224
it's a release. It's a it's a coping

118
00:04:02,224 --> 00:04:05,264
mechanism to avoid things. Right? Most people who

119
00:04:05,264 --> 00:04:07,025
are you know, if you're consuming or become

120
00:04:07,025 --> 00:04:08,564
addicted to a dopaminergic

121
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,639
behavior, it's to escape. Right? You're trying to

122
00:04:11,639 --> 00:04:14,379
vacate your life, leave and ignore and avoid

123
00:04:14,439 --> 00:04:15,099
a situation.

124
00:04:15,719 --> 00:04:18,040
But, again, I think that the field the

125
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,199
sextension field tends to kind of apply that

126
00:04:20,199 --> 00:04:22,574
same principle to all acting out behaviors. And

127
00:04:22,574 --> 00:04:24,574
I think that's a little bit naive. Right?

128
00:04:24,574 --> 00:04:26,095
I think it's I think it's naive to

129
00:04:26,095 --> 00:04:28,814
think that the only reason men would engage

130
00:04:28,814 --> 00:04:30,035
in a sexual behavior

131
00:04:30,335 --> 00:04:33,634
outside of their marriage is because they're emotionally

132
00:04:33,775 --> 00:04:34,995
regulating with,

133
00:04:35,689 --> 00:04:38,750
an indigenous disorder and childhood trauma. I think

134
00:04:38,889 --> 00:04:41,290
I think that that can happen. But I

135
00:04:41,290 --> 00:04:43,209
think that when we look at sex, sex

136
00:04:43,209 --> 00:04:45,290
appeal, and sexual attraction, you know, these are

137
00:04:45,290 --> 00:04:48,250
very biological things. These are humans human desires

138
00:04:48,250 --> 00:04:51,235
inside of everyone. Right? Not just sex men

139
00:04:51,235 --> 00:04:53,654
with compulsive sexual behavior. I mean, everybody

140
00:04:54,115 --> 00:04:56,435
has the desire for sex. Everybody has the

141
00:04:56,435 --> 00:04:57,334
desire to,

142
00:04:58,435 --> 00:05:00,435
you know, be attracted to others and have

143
00:05:00,435 --> 00:05:02,354
other people be attracted to them. Right? So

144
00:05:02,354 --> 00:05:04,435
to assume that the the the only driver

145
00:05:04,435 --> 00:05:07,209
is through addictive escapism, I think is a

146
00:05:07,209 --> 00:05:08,810
bit naive, and I think it gets guys

147
00:05:08,810 --> 00:05:11,209
into trouble. Right? Because we see so many

148
00:05:11,209 --> 00:05:14,089
men relapsing. Right? More men are relapsing than

149
00:05:14,089 --> 00:05:16,730
are not relapsing. Right? It's, only thirty four

150
00:05:16,730 --> 00:05:18,829
percent of men are able to, obtain

151
00:05:19,529 --> 00:05:22,514
long term recovery without relapse. So when we

152
00:05:22,514 --> 00:05:24,274
look at the majority of men who are

153
00:05:24,274 --> 00:05:26,915
relapsing inside of five years, I believe it's

154
00:05:26,915 --> 00:05:29,814
happening because they're trying to apply this one

155
00:05:29,875 --> 00:05:32,595
treatment method to all of their acting out

156
00:05:32,595 --> 00:05:33,095
behaviors.

157
00:05:33,555 --> 00:05:35,154
So let's look at let's look at,

158
00:05:36,050 --> 00:05:38,310
affairs. Right? So pornography being escapism

159
00:05:38,769 --> 00:05:41,009
and avoiding one's life. Right? So more of

160
00:05:41,009 --> 00:05:43,009
a coping strategy. Let's look at affairs. What

161
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:44,850
would a guy what would drive a man

162
00:05:44,850 --> 00:05:45,350
to,

163
00:05:45,810 --> 00:05:46,310
compulsively

164
00:05:46,850 --> 00:05:49,589
use women through emotional affairs or physical affairs?

165
00:05:49,685 --> 00:05:51,764
So, yes, it could be through dopamine. And

166
00:05:51,764 --> 00:05:53,605
and I will say this, an emotional affair

167
00:05:53,605 --> 00:05:55,225
is extremely dopaminergic.

168
00:05:55,925 --> 00:05:58,165
Right? Hiding an affair, you have the constant

169
00:05:58,165 --> 00:06:00,404
hiding, which can last all day long. Right?

170
00:06:00,404 --> 00:06:02,245
And that's that provides you with dopamine because

171
00:06:02,245 --> 00:06:04,165
you're putting your focus and your attention on

172
00:06:04,165 --> 00:06:06,689
on hiding this from your from your partner.

173
00:06:07,550 --> 00:06:10,350
But also there's this constant wondering and wanting.

174
00:06:10,350 --> 00:06:12,270
Right? It's you're always looking at your phone

175
00:06:12,270 --> 00:06:13,709
and checking. Oh, did she text me yet?

176
00:06:13,709 --> 00:06:15,149
Did she send me a picture? Did she,

177
00:06:16,050 --> 00:06:17,790
what should I text her? What's she gonna

178
00:06:17,790 --> 00:06:19,629
say back? If I don't text her, is

179
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:21,485
she gonna text first? Right? There's this little

180
00:06:21,485 --> 00:06:23,004
game that you play with yourself. So it

181
00:06:23,004 --> 00:06:23,904
can be dopaminergic.

182
00:06:24,444 --> 00:06:26,764
But it also could be around unmet human

183
00:06:26,764 --> 00:06:29,104
needs. Right? So maybe you feel unappreciated.

184
00:06:29,644 --> 00:06:30,365
You feel,

185
00:06:30,844 --> 00:06:32,944
un respected. You don't you don't feel like,

186
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,600
your your family is appreciating all of your

187
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,439
hard work. Maybe your partner, you don't feel

188
00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:39,819
like, is appreciating you.

189
00:06:40,199 --> 00:06:41,180
Maybe you don't feel

190
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:41,980
emotionally,

191
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,839
or physically connected. Right? Maybe it's it's crazy

192
00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:46,680
times at home and you and your partner

193
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,524
have have been less connected. So then there's

194
00:06:48,524 --> 00:06:51,245
gonna be this desire to connect. And guys

195
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:54,044
can go and use other women to fill

196
00:06:54,044 --> 00:06:56,365
that void. Right? So, you know, it's less

197
00:06:56,365 --> 00:06:58,444
of an addiction then at that point and

198
00:06:58,444 --> 00:07:00,625
more of a, you know, a coping strategy,

199
00:07:01,919 --> 00:07:04,240
to to fill this unmet human need in

200
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:04,979
your life.

201
00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:07,939
Another another one could just be novelty. Right?

202
00:07:08,079 --> 00:07:10,240
You know, a lot of, you know, sex

203
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,639
being a desire and being, you know, really

204
00:07:12,639 --> 00:07:15,279
a peak experience. Right? Having these novel sexual

205
00:07:15,279 --> 00:07:15,779
experiences

206
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:17,915
with with, new people,

207
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:21,014
can can can result in a high. And

208
00:07:21,014 --> 00:07:22,954
it's really hard for betrayed partners

209
00:07:23,894 --> 00:07:26,214
to kinda see past that. Right? When when

210
00:07:26,214 --> 00:07:27,435
they see it as a dopaminergic

211
00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:29,435
addiction, right, a a maladaptive

212
00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:32,150
coping strategy, escapism, right, it looks like an

213
00:07:32,150 --> 00:07:34,230
illness. Right? You're an addict. And so for

214
00:07:34,230 --> 00:07:36,310
the partners, it it's a lot easier to

215
00:07:36,310 --> 00:07:37,770
kinda see past that.

216
00:07:38,790 --> 00:07:40,310
The problem that I have with that is

217
00:07:40,310 --> 00:07:42,230
I think too many men are trying to

218
00:07:42,230 --> 00:07:43,050
be addicts

219
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,410
who aren't addicts,

220
00:07:45,314 --> 00:07:46,915
but they're kinda forced to be an addict

221
00:07:46,915 --> 00:07:48,754
because the only reason their wife's staying with

222
00:07:48,754 --> 00:07:50,514
them is because they're an addict. Here's the

223
00:07:50,514 --> 00:07:52,754
challenge with that though is if you're only

224
00:07:52,754 --> 00:07:54,535
seeking out addiction treatment

225
00:07:54,995 --> 00:07:56,514
and not getting treatment for,

226
00:07:56,970 --> 00:07:59,050
some of your maladaptive behaviors around your unmet

227
00:07:59,050 --> 00:07:59,790
human needs,

228
00:08:00,170 --> 00:08:03,470
your addiction to novelty and novel, sexual experiences,

229
00:08:03,930 --> 00:08:07,129
right, your reliance on women to, give you

230
00:08:07,129 --> 00:08:08,589
attention validation, you

231
00:08:09,944 --> 00:08:11,865
you know, to to feel a lot of

232
00:08:11,865 --> 00:08:13,785
men in my group, their primary addiction is

233
00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:16,105
not sex and porn. Their primary addiction is

234
00:08:16,105 --> 00:08:19,404
attention validation. They wanna be seen, lusted after.

235
00:08:19,464 --> 00:08:21,625
They want to feel desired. Right? They wanna

236
00:08:21,625 --> 00:08:24,480
feel like the the most, superior man in

237
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,079
the room, the most wanted man in the

238
00:08:26,079 --> 00:08:28,399
room. Right? So that's their primary addiction. So

239
00:08:28,399 --> 00:08:30,980
they're constantly seeking out these various experiences

240
00:08:31,439 --> 00:08:33,759
to validate those stories. Right? Oh, if I

241
00:08:33,759 --> 00:08:35,279
can go get her, if I'm gonna I'll

242
00:08:35,279 --> 00:08:36,815
I'll go flirt. You know, I'm not gonna

243
00:08:36,815 --> 00:08:38,335
sleep with her, but I'm gonna go flirt

244
00:08:38,335 --> 00:08:40,175
with her. And if she gives me her

245
00:08:40,175 --> 00:08:42,975
attention, then I'll know, well, I must be

246
00:08:42,975 --> 00:08:45,055
the most attractive man in the room because,

247
00:08:45,055 --> 00:08:47,055
you know, she's extremely attractive and there's all

248
00:08:47,055 --> 00:08:48,735
these guys here, and I'm the one that

249
00:08:48,735 --> 00:08:51,080
was able to win her attention. Right? So,

250
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,240
again, it's starting to it's starting to become

251
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:53,740
more

252
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:54,860
compulsive,

253
00:08:55,959 --> 00:08:59,419
more maladaptive and harmful behavior, but less addictive

254
00:08:59,879 --> 00:09:02,360
in that case. Right? Because, again, if if

255
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,120
a guy, you know, if a guy is

256
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,735
only doing this two, three times a year,

257
00:09:06,735 --> 00:09:07,714
is he an addict?

258
00:09:08,095 --> 00:09:09,774
Right? You know, it's, you know, same thing

259
00:09:09,774 --> 00:09:11,455
with an alcoholic. Right? If an alcoholic is

260
00:09:11,455 --> 00:09:14,174
only drinking to drunkenness five, six times a

261
00:09:14,174 --> 00:09:15,875
year at parties and weddings,

262
00:09:16,335 --> 00:09:17,190
is he an alcoholic?

263
00:09:17,750 --> 00:09:19,750
Right? And so, again, the the reason I'm

264
00:09:19,750 --> 00:09:22,009
bringing this up is as we start examining

265
00:09:22,149 --> 00:09:25,029
these different acting out pathways, each one might

266
00:09:25,029 --> 00:09:27,049
need a different treatment strategy

267
00:09:27,429 --> 00:09:29,350
depending on what's driving it. So so we've

268
00:09:29,350 --> 00:09:31,669
gone through pornography. We looked at emotional affairs.

269
00:09:31,669 --> 00:09:33,049
Let's look at, like, paid sex.

270
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:35,554
So what are some of the drivers behind,

271
00:09:35,934 --> 00:09:37,394
paid sex? Massage parlors,

272
00:09:38,335 --> 00:09:38,835
prostitution,

273
00:09:40,254 --> 00:09:42,735
you know, paying for paying you know, going

274
00:09:42,735 --> 00:09:45,695
to, some online platform where you're paying women

275
00:09:45,695 --> 00:09:47,940
for for content and paying women for photos.

276
00:09:47,940 --> 00:09:49,620
Right? That's becoming more and more popular these

277
00:09:49,620 --> 00:09:50,120
days.

278
00:09:50,899 --> 00:09:53,379
What's the driver behind these? Again, it can

279
00:09:53,379 --> 00:09:55,700
be dopamine. Right? It it could be this,

280
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,639
you know, hey. I'm engaging in this ritual

281
00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:59,299
to escape my life. It could. But I

282
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:00,419
find with a lot of the guys in

283
00:10:00,419 --> 00:10:01,940
my program, because a lot of my guys

284
00:10:01,940 --> 00:10:02,264
are,

285
00:10:02,825 --> 00:10:05,165
very successful, business owners, entrepreneurs,

286
00:10:05,545 --> 00:10:06,845
lawyers, doctors, surgeons,

287
00:10:07,304 --> 00:10:08,745
a lot of them have have really great

288
00:10:08,745 --> 00:10:10,665
lives. You know, they they make great money.

289
00:10:10,825 --> 00:10:12,764
They're extremely involved in their community.

290
00:10:13,384 --> 00:10:16,184
Their wives are just stunningly beautiful, intelligent. They

291
00:10:16,184 --> 00:10:18,240
have they have these wonderful families. Right? So

292
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:20,320
they don't really wanna escape their life. They

293
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,820
love their life. The challenge is they're addicted

294
00:10:22,879 --> 00:10:25,120
to to to making their life better. Right?

295
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,279
They always want more. Right? It's kinda the

296
00:10:27,279 --> 00:10:29,440
condition of high achieving men. What can I

297
00:10:29,679 --> 00:10:31,215
how can I one up what I did

298
00:10:31,215 --> 00:10:32,735
last week? Right? And then how do I

299
00:10:32,735 --> 00:10:34,254
one up that again and again and again?

300
00:10:34,254 --> 00:10:36,095
It's always more and more and more. Well,

301
00:10:36,095 --> 00:10:38,654
the challenge with this is more doesn't just

302
00:10:38,654 --> 00:10:40,195
stay with cars, wristwatches,

303
00:10:41,455 --> 00:10:41,955
investing,

304
00:10:42,415 --> 00:10:44,355
you know, money, houses, vacations.

305
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,960
More can venture into anything. Right? If if

306
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,980
if more is better and that's your belief,

307
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:53,179
then more attention's better, more validation's better, more,

308
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,240
novelty's better. And I think a lot of

309
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,759
these guys, you know, they get into that.

310
00:10:56,759 --> 00:10:58,455
And so why paid sex?

311
00:10:59,014 --> 00:11:01,674
Well, it's a way that they can control

312
00:11:01,735 --> 00:11:03,595
getting more. You know, affairs

313
00:11:04,295 --> 00:11:07,095
are challenging because there's a higher likelihood of

314
00:11:07,095 --> 00:11:08,715
getting caught. Right? You have to communicate

315
00:11:09,174 --> 00:11:11,230
with these people on a regular basis. Right?

316
00:11:11,230 --> 00:11:13,070
And so you're constantly putting yourself at risk

317
00:11:13,070 --> 00:11:14,429
of getting caught. And again, a lot of

318
00:11:14,429 --> 00:11:16,910
these guys love their wives. They really do.

319
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:18,990
They love their families. They don't want to

320
00:11:18,990 --> 00:11:21,330
explode their family, but they have this insatiable

321
00:11:21,629 --> 00:11:22,610
desire for

322
00:11:22,990 --> 00:11:25,629
more more attention, more novelty. They wanna feel

323
00:11:25,629 --> 00:11:27,254
wanted. They wanna feel lusted after. After. They

324
00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:28,375
need more and more and more and more

325
00:11:28,375 --> 00:11:30,695
and more. And, unfortunately, I know this sounds

326
00:11:30,695 --> 00:11:33,115
so horrible, but their wife's not enough.

327
00:11:33,495 --> 00:11:35,415
Right? Your your wife, you know, you're you're

328
00:11:35,415 --> 00:11:37,815
sleeping with her every every single night. Right?

329
00:11:37,815 --> 00:11:40,054
She's in your bed every night. There's nothing

330
00:11:40,054 --> 00:11:42,170
novel about it. I'm sorry. I just you

331
00:11:42,170 --> 00:11:44,049
know, the novelty has worn off. Right? So

332
00:11:44,049 --> 00:11:46,230
if you have become addicted to the novelty

333
00:11:47,009 --> 00:11:49,830
of sexual experiences or of from from attention,

334
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:52,129
then you're gonna seek that. And the challenge

335
00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:54,534
with that is no women's gonna be enough.

336
00:11:54,534 --> 00:11:57,174
You constantly need a new woman almost every

337
00:11:57,174 --> 00:11:59,834
single day. Right? Because, you know, novelty fades.

338
00:11:59,975 --> 00:12:02,294
So novelty can be a piece that I

339
00:12:02,294 --> 00:12:04,554
see men who are engaging in paid sex.

340
00:12:05,014 --> 00:12:06,774
The other thing I can see is, there

341
00:12:06,774 --> 00:12:08,075
is an element of

342
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,820
control and deception. Right? So,

343
00:12:11,279 --> 00:12:13,279
it sounds insane, but there are men who

344
00:12:13,279 --> 00:12:16,080
like being bad. They like they like having

345
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,240
a secret. They like hiding something. It it

346
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,160
gives them a sense of control. It gives

347
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:21,460
them a sense of,

348
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:22,899
power, secrecy.

349
00:12:23,654 --> 00:12:27,254
They they enjoy kind of having complete control

350
00:12:27,254 --> 00:12:29,254
of how they're seen, how they're looked at.

351
00:12:29,254 --> 00:12:30,934
You know, these men who who typically have

352
00:12:30,934 --> 00:12:33,014
control issues with this, they're really into image

353
00:12:33,014 --> 00:12:35,095
management as well. Right? So they're constantly trying

354
00:12:35,095 --> 00:12:38,190
to enhance their image. They're buying certain cars,

355
00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:39,409
wearing certain clothes.

356
00:12:39,789 --> 00:12:40,529
They're hypervigilant

357
00:12:40,990 --> 00:12:42,590
and aware of of how they act and

358
00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:43,490
what they say,

359
00:12:44,029 --> 00:12:45,009
their job title,

360
00:12:45,629 --> 00:12:47,149
you know, the neighborhoods they live in, the

361
00:12:47,149 --> 00:12:49,149
schools their kids go to. Right? So they're

362
00:12:49,149 --> 00:12:51,629
trying to control and manipulate all these aspects

363
00:12:51,629 --> 00:12:53,264
of their life. And then when they discover

364
00:12:53,264 --> 00:12:55,424
paid sex, it's like, wow. Okay. Hey. I

365
00:12:55,424 --> 00:12:57,585
can you know, with the exchange of money,

366
00:12:57,585 --> 00:12:59,845
I can choose the time, location, and date

367
00:13:00,065 --> 00:13:01,764
to have this experience. Right?

368
00:13:02,304 --> 00:13:04,144
And like I said, some of some men,

369
00:13:04,144 --> 00:13:05,639
you know, they they do. They They love

370
00:13:05,639 --> 00:13:07,720
having a secret. They get this little rush

371
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,720
of of hiding something. So my point is,

372
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,159
if we look at all this stuff and,

373
00:13:11,159 --> 00:13:12,440
again, I could go on and on and

374
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,519
on for hours with this because there really

375
00:13:14,519 --> 00:13:16,299
is. You know, the thing with process addiction

376
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:19,165
is you're gonna see a wide variety of

377
00:13:19,165 --> 00:13:21,745
brain processes that these men have become compulsive

378
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,205
around. Why? Because everybody had different parents. Everybody

379
00:13:24,205 --> 00:13:26,205
had different life experiences. Everybody grew up in

380
00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:27,105
a different location.

381
00:13:27,804 --> 00:13:29,404
You know, because all of our lives were

382
00:13:29,404 --> 00:13:32,285
so wildly different. All of us, find value

383
00:13:32,285 --> 00:13:33,029
in different things.

384
00:13:33,509 --> 00:13:35,910
Right? I love attention and validation. That's my

385
00:13:35,910 --> 00:13:37,990
that is my big I love being seen

386
00:13:37,990 --> 00:13:40,250
in unique ways. That is my personal,

387
00:13:40,790 --> 00:13:42,629
addiction. But you talk to another guy, he

388
00:13:42,629 --> 00:13:44,389
might not have that at all. Right? He

389
00:13:44,389 --> 00:13:45,029
might like,

390
00:13:45,590 --> 00:13:47,269
he might like he he wants women to

391
00:13:47,269 --> 00:13:49,434
think that he's the best they've ever had.

392
00:13:49,434 --> 00:13:51,695
Right? Oh, I've never had a better orgasm

393
00:13:51,834 --> 00:13:54,714
than from you. Right? Oh, I I really

394
00:13:54,714 --> 00:13:56,794
wish that you weren't married so you could

395
00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:58,634
be my husband. I really their goal is

396
00:13:58,634 --> 00:13:59,855
to make every woman,

397
00:14:00,315 --> 00:14:01,995
think that he was the best. Right? He

398
00:14:01,995 --> 00:14:03,659
was the one that got away. Right? His

399
00:14:03,659 --> 00:14:05,820
his primary addiction is I want all these

400
00:14:05,820 --> 00:14:07,740
women to want me to be their husband.

401
00:14:07,740 --> 00:14:09,259
So it could be that. I mean, like

402
00:14:09,259 --> 00:14:11,600
I said, it just there's this huge variety.

403
00:14:11,740 --> 00:14:14,320
Some guys go after married women. Some guys,

404
00:14:14,379 --> 00:14:16,700
you know, to them, they're they're on this

405
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:17,200
superiority

406
00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:18,399
complex,

407
00:14:19,174 --> 00:14:21,334
and they wanna they wanna be elite. And

408
00:14:21,334 --> 00:14:23,514
so one of their best ways to validate

409
00:14:23,575 --> 00:14:25,654
how elite they are is, can I get

410
00:14:25,654 --> 00:14:28,134
a married woman who's never cheated before to

411
00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:30,134
cheat with me? Right? To risk losing her

412
00:14:30,134 --> 00:14:32,629
her family, her marriage, her whole life. Can

413
00:14:32,629 --> 00:14:34,470
I get her to take that chance on

414
00:14:34,470 --> 00:14:36,230
me? Because then that, you know, in his

415
00:14:36,230 --> 00:14:36,730
delusional

416
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,509
brain, that would indicate that, if if she's

417
00:14:39,509 --> 00:14:41,990
gonna give up everything, her blessed life for

418
00:14:41,990 --> 00:14:42,490
you,

419
00:14:42,914 --> 00:14:45,634
then you must be better than her blessed

420
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:47,475
life. Right? Which would, again, give you this

421
00:14:47,475 --> 00:14:49,554
this high of superiority. I'm I'm better than

422
00:14:49,554 --> 00:14:51,634
her husband. I'm better than her life. Right?

423
00:14:51,634 --> 00:14:53,714
I'm worth I'm worth risking it all. So

424
00:14:53,714 --> 00:14:55,554
my my point of sharing all this is

425
00:14:55,554 --> 00:14:57,014
is two things. One,

426
00:14:58,029 --> 00:14:59,950
have you really looked at each acting out

427
00:14:59,950 --> 00:15:02,190
behavior separately? Right? If you engaged in paid

428
00:15:02,190 --> 00:15:03,309
sex, did you look at what you're getting

429
00:15:03,309 --> 00:15:05,009
out of that? If you have multiple,

430
00:15:05,710 --> 00:15:08,269
different paid sex avenues, right, if you have

431
00:15:08,269 --> 00:15:10,590
prostitutes over here, massage parlors over there, maybe

432
00:15:10,590 --> 00:15:13,074
you're paying for for content, look at each

433
00:15:13,074 --> 00:15:14,914
of those because each one of those could

434
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,235
even become from a different have a different

435
00:15:17,235 --> 00:15:19,654
driver, right, and and need a different treatment.

436
00:15:19,714 --> 00:15:21,714
Right? And then we go to, affairs. What

437
00:15:21,714 --> 00:15:22,834
are you getting out of that if you're

438
00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:24,889
engaging in affairs? Are you flirting with women?

439
00:15:24,889 --> 00:15:27,129
Right? And then we go to pornography. What

440
00:15:27,129 --> 00:15:28,570
are you getting out of pornography? My point

441
00:15:28,570 --> 00:15:31,129
is you need to see what each acting

442
00:15:31,129 --> 00:15:33,529
out behavior is giving you because each one

443
00:15:33,529 --> 00:15:35,690
might need a unique treatment. And if you're

444
00:15:35,690 --> 00:15:37,690
not doing that, again, I I think you're

445
00:15:37,690 --> 00:15:39,345
putting yourself at a high risk of relapse.

446
00:15:40,384 --> 00:15:42,544
Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

447
00:15:42,544 --> 00:15:44,304
are a high achiever with a sex addiction

448
00:15:44,304 --> 00:15:45,985
and you're looking for a recovery group full

449
00:15:45,985 --> 00:15:49,105
of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

450
00:15:49,105 --> 00:15:51,904
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

451
00:15:51,904 --> 00:15:53,204
using four day retreats,

452
00:15:53,679 --> 00:15:56,420
weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

453
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,639
If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

454
00:15:58,639 --> 00:16:00,559
save your marriage, go to our website and

455
00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:02,800
fill out our application. If you enjoyed this

456
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,040
episode, please pass it along to a friend

457
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,960
in recovery who would benefit from listening. It

458
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,800
is my mission to get this information out

459
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,270
to as many high achievers as possible, and

460
00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:12,810
I can't do it without your help.