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Communication between couples after their sexual betrayal, one

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of the hardest things that you're gonna go

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through as a couple.

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Pain, fear, a lack of trust,

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never seem to say the right thing, but

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is saying the right thing actually what matters?

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Or is there a more effective way for

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you two to communicate? That's what we're gonna

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talk about in this episode.

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever. I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder

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of The Successful Addict, a recovery group for

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high achieving men struggling with sex and porn

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addiction. For more information about joining our group

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or attending our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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Today, I'm joined by Danny Peterson. You and

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I connected when I was looking for more

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partner support, and you and I got on

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the discussion of

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the difficulties

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of communication

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after betrayal.

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It is without question

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the thing that disrupts the home the most.

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I mean, it is just it's one thing

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to have the betrayal, and then now you

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have this recurring,

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I mean, almost I mean, the beginning multiple

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times a day. Right? You know, but even

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a year in, it's still far from gone.

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I mean, it's painful conversation after painful conversation.

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And if you don't know how to have

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those conversations,

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oh, boy. It I mean, after a while,

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somebody usually starts to get some quit in

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them. And, when they start to get that

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quit,

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it gets really tough. I mean, this is

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it's hard enough to make it through this.

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If somebody starts getting one foot in, one

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foot out,

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oh my gosh. It's almost impossible at that

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point. And so the purpose of this is

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I I'd really love

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to talk about what are what are those

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things that you and I have learned through

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communication, through, you know, personal experience and professional

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trading,

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and how we can help other couples not

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get that quit. I mean, you really do.

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You need

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you need to fight in a good way,

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fighting for the relationship, not fighting with your

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partner, and you need hope. You know, you've

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gotta have you gotta have both feet in.

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You gotta be you gotta be fighting and

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advocating for

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the rectification of this. You know, you guys

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have gotta stop being enemies, but it's hard

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in this dynamic. So I think that's where

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I like to first start is just to

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frame, you know, a lot of you a

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lot of the listeners are already gonna know

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this, but I wanna reframe it.

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Danny, can you talk to me about the

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story?

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Like, what are some of the stories the

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partner is saying to herself that makes communication

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so

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challenging? I wanna I wanna I want the

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guys to really understand

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what they think they're dealing with every single

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day because, you know, as the guys, we

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don't we don't have to live with the

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same level of pain. Can you kinda paint

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a picture of what it's like to be

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a betrayed partner?

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Well, speaking from my own experience and then

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just the clients that I've personally seen, there's

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a common thread in

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the it it reveals insecurities.

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That that's what comes up for partners and

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the fear and the uncertainty

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and what this all

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means. And

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they question

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their

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own self worth, their own femininity,

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and it's just

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confusing,

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from the get go and surprising.

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I will see either

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partners who are

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so

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they go so numb, and they take it

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to heart like it's something about them.

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And then I see the other side

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where the partner,

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understandably

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and rightfully so, has a lot of anger

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that comes up,

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which underneath there is a lot of fear

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too. But that anger is very,

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volatile at times and can come out very

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accusatory,

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blaming, shaming, criticizing,

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and it's not uncommon.

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I'm not saying that's the best way to

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communicate, but

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those are

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emotions that are rising up, and that's how

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it's coming out. And so I'll see those

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two

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sides reflected, and it just depends on people's

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Mhmm. Background,

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upbringing,

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experience

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up to date.

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Some couples never were really good at communicating,

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and so this just makes it worse.

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Some

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maybe had communicating

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abilities, but

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now they're wondering,

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I thought we were doing so well. I

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thought we could communicate and talk about anything.

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What's up? Mhmm. And so they're shocked

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initially. So that's kinda what I see. I

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personally

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when I found out

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the totality of it, when it got to

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the the endpoint,

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I actually felt a lot of relief Mhmm.

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Because

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there was a lot of gaslighting. There was

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a lot of deception and hidden secrets,

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things done that I could sense but couldn't

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pinpoint.

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So though I was

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pissed, if I can say that.

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Right? I also felt at the same time

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relief because

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I knew.

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I knew there was something wrong, and so

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I had to find my way through all

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of that. And partners,

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they vary, and they're having to find their

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way out. And communicating

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is gonna be the way to do that.

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It's just in the beginning, there's so much

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pain and so much hurt. It's gonna be

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messy, and that's what I think

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both

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the husband or the betrayer and the one

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betrayed

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have to realize.

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It's it's not gonna be

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nice and easy, peasy, and clean.

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It comes with its own struggle.

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Yeah. It's a you know, the the I

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appreciate what you brought up about

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the partners all being different because,

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you know, what guys

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need to understand is when you introduce this

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to the relationship, you're not gonna get the

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same response as if you did this to

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another woman or a different woman or another

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wife or what you know, you're gonna get

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a very different response because of the story

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that they make up about it. You know,

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the ones that I hear that are most

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common

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are, oh, if I was just more attractive,

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he wouldn't have done this.

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Oh, he's bored. I'm bad in bed, and

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these other women are better in bed than

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I am.

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I'm too old. I'm too wrinkly. I

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he's not into my body anymore. I have

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gained too much weight.

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You know, the list goes on. It's all

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it's this, men are men are all pigs.

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Oh, I hate, you know, this this world

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is, you know, they're living with these new

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beliefs

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that our actions

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have now introduced to their world that weren't

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there. I mean, I remember, and you probably

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remember this, Danny, you know, there were so

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many times when my wife was mad,

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not at me, just mad that she now

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believes

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these stupid things that she doesn't wanna believe.

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And she was mad. She was so mad

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that she looked at guys and her first

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thought is, I wonder if he's a sex

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addict. Yeah. Rather than just letting him be

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a guy, right. You know, giving him the

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benefit of the doubt and assuming that he

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has a hidden deceptive sexual behaviors that he's

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hiding. Right?

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So I I I'm glad we kinda brought

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that up because I think if we're gonna

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go into this topic of communication, I think

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it's

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poorly informed

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to ignore who you're talking to. Because if

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you're talking to someone who they,

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a lot of them, you know, not all

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of them, but a lot of their parts

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believe that you wouldn't have done this if

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she was more attractive,

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right? If she was better in bed, if

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she had, you know, was ten pounds lighter,

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if she just had a couple surgeries to

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tighten things up, that this wouldn't have happened,

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that's her reality. Now, a lot of the

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guys will say, oh my gosh, this had

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nothing to do, this this has nothing to

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do with your physical appearance. But again, that's

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not her story, right? You know, you've gotta

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keep in mind, guys are sold, you know,

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successful men are sold, get money, get attractive

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women to like you, and that's a successful

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life. Women are sold,

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become the trophy to be that all men

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want. I mean, that is what these are

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the differences in the two messages. So what

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these guys have to understand is, well, we

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were groomed

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to become as successful and sophisticated and as

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good looking as possible to get as many

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men women to wanna be with us. They

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were groomed to get

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successful, attractive,

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desirable men to attract to them. So you

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can see this dynamic when you go and

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portray them,

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it's so personal.

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So let's get into the,

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communication aspect, but I want all the listeners

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to understand

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what we just talked about, that's the belief

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systems of these partners. So when she's, you

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know, calling, you know, calling you names and

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it's because

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she is potentially in one of these stuck

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places where

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she actually hates herself,

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not you. Does that make sense? And so

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that's, you know, and then same vice versa

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for the guy. Now she calls you a

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name or says, how can I trust you?

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And then you tell yourself a story about,

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oh, I can't believe I'm a guy that's

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wife doesn't trust. Like, these are all painful

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stories, Danny. And I think that's I mean,

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I don't think I know. That is why

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the communication is difficult is one party hears

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them being accused of being something that they

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don't wanna be, and the other party is

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being looped into something that they don't wanna

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be. It's a very tough dynamic. So let's

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spend the rest of our time today hashing

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out how couples can navigate this, because it

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is

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I'm glad we started where we started because

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I think everyone needs to appreciate this is

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this is this is like level 10.

274
00:09:35,549 --> 00:09:37,470
This is like level 10 out of 10

275
00:09:37,470 --> 00:09:39,169
self awareness, social awareness,

276
00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:42,184
couples therapy work we're talking about. I mean,

277
00:09:42,485 --> 00:09:44,245
this is not for an amateur. I mean,

278
00:09:44,245 --> 00:09:46,184
this is, you know, if

279
00:09:46,965 --> 00:09:49,045
you are married and you guys are recovering

280
00:09:49,045 --> 00:09:50,184
from this and you're not

281
00:09:50,725 --> 00:09:53,309
doing anything and everything you can to become

282
00:09:53,309 --> 00:09:56,129
masters of intimacy, relationships, communications,

283
00:09:56,590 --> 00:09:57,490
emotional intelligence,

284
00:09:57,950 --> 00:10:00,269
you better learn because it's gonna require that

285
00:10:00,269 --> 00:10:01,230
level of skill set.

286
00:10:01,870 --> 00:10:03,950
So let's dive into the communication aspect. Denny,

287
00:10:03,950 --> 00:10:05,389
where do you start? So like, let's say

288
00:10:05,389 --> 00:10:07,549
you have somebody, they're still either in the

289
00:10:07,549 --> 00:10:10,325
crisis phase or are kind of toward the

290
00:10:10,325 --> 00:10:11,784
tail end of the crisis phase.

291
00:10:12,325 --> 00:10:14,245
Oh my gosh, what advice can you give

292
00:10:14,245 --> 00:10:16,404
them? I mean, that phase is so brutal.

293
00:10:16,404 --> 00:10:18,164
Where where do you start with trying to

294
00:10:18,164 --> 00:10:20,964
introduce some peace in a very non peaceful

295
00:10:20,964 --> 00:10:21,464
time?

296
00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:24,790
So are you referring what I provide for

297
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:27,269
the the Yeah. I mean, just yeah. For

298
00:10:27,269 --> 00:10:28,870
the wife well, both. I mean, what would

299
00:10:28,870 --> 00:10:29,910
you say? I mean, what would you say

300
00:10:30,070 --> 00:10:31,590
you can kinda separate it if it's easier.

301
00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:32,790
What would you say to the woman, and

302
00:10:32,790 --> 00:10:34,149
what would you what would you say to

303
00:10:34,149 --> 00:10:35,750
the betrayed, and what would you say to

304
00:10:35,750 --> 00:10:36,410
the cheater?

305
00:10:37,014 --> 00:10:37,834
Yeah. Well,

306
00:10:39,095 --> 00:10:41,735
the first phase has everything to do with

307
00:10:41,735 --> 00:10:43,434
feeling safe and secure,

308
00:10:44,134 --> 00:10:45,514
which you don't

309
00:10:46,134 --> 00:10:49,289
early on. And so everybody moves through that

310
00:10:49,289 --> 00:10:52,250
stage so differently, and and what I'm working

311
00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:54,649
with the partner is is being able to

312
00:10:54,649 --> 00:10:57,610
create some healthy boundaries, which are not barriers

313
00:10:57,610 --> 00:10:58,669
and they're not demands.

314
00:10:59,370 --> 00:11:01,449
That's a a first and a given because

315
00:11:01,449 --> 00:11:02,235
I think what

316
00:11:03,195 --> 00:11:05,054
some betrayers are faced with

317
00:11:05,514 --> 00:11:08,794
are what they're being told are boundaries, and

318
00:11:08,794 --> 00:11:11,274
they actually aren't. So I do a lot

319
00:11:11,274 --> 00:11:12,174
of work with

320
00:11:13,355 --> 00:11:14,495
the women on

321
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,080
establishing what those boundaries look like because those

322
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,559
boundaries are meant to keep us safe. It's

323
00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:22,879
like, if you continue to do x, y,

324
00:11:22,879 --> 00:11:24,899
and z, or if you don't do this,

325
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,580
this is what I'm gonna do.

326
00:11:26,955 --> 00:11:28,014
And if we,

327
00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,715
as the women, are telling them you have

328
00:11:30,715 --> 00:11:32,254
to do x, y, and z,

329
00:11:32,634 --> 00:11:34,254
that is no longer a boundary.

330
00:11:34,715 --> 00:11:37,754
And so that is one issue that I

331
00:11:37,754 --> 00:11:40,254
like to address with the with the woman.

332
00:11:40,555 --> 00:11:41,535
But then also

333
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,000
for the man, just for simplicity's sake because,

334
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,620
obviously, relationships vary,

335
00:11:49,399 --> 00:11:50,059
to listen

336
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,639
to listen to what's underneath the words, both

337
00:11:53,639 --> 00:11:55,820
have to do that. What's actually

338
00:11:56,404 --> 00:11:58,745
what's actually mattering right now?

339
00:11:59,045 --> 00:12:00,965
Because it's never what we think it is.

340
00:12:00,965 --> 00:12:03,445
Mhmm. It's you know, the problem isn't what

341
00:12:03,445 --> 00:12:05,605
we think the problem is. And so either

342
00:12:05,605 --> 00:12:08,325
a need was not met in some form

343
00:12:08,325 --> 00:12:08,904
or fashion,

344
00:12:09,445 --> 00:12:09,945
and,

345
00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:11,759
ultimately, we're responsible

346
00:12:12,139 --> 00:12:14,399
for our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions,

347
00:12:14,940 --> 00:12:16,620
and it's up to me to have those

348
00:12:16,620 --> 00:12:19,040
needs met. And I can request

349
00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:20,960
the other person

350
00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,120
help to meet them,

351
00:12:24,315 --> 00:12:26,975
But because we're autonomous, we have choice.

352
00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:29,695
And so with a couple who's

353
00:12:30,154 --> 00:12:32,574
really wanting to rebuild and restore,

354
00:12:33,914 --> 00:12:35,375
there's a lot of attention

355
00:12:35,949 --> 00:12:38,190
given to, can I be kind in this

356
00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:41,490
moment when I feel like punching a wall

357
00:12:42,190 --> 00:12:44,990
or slapping the face? You know? It's like,

358
00:12:44,990 --> 00:12:47,089
how can I show up and and be

359
00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,250
present in this moment? Because,

360
00:12:49,629 --> 00:12:50,129
obviously,

361
00:12:51,125 --> 00:12:52,184
for the women,

362
00:12:53,284 --> 00:12:55,544
especially for ones that have gone through disclosure,

363
00:12:55,924 --> 00:12:56,664
you can't

364
00:12:57,205 --> 00:12:59,684
unknow a lot of those stories. And like

365
00:12:59,684 --> 00:13:01,764
you said, we have these stories. We have

366
00:13:01,764 --> 00:13:02,504
a narrative,

367
00:13:02,964 --> 00:13:04,024
and our narratives

368
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:06,745
may be true and may not be true.

369
00:13:07,259 --> 00:13:07,759
So

370
00:13:08,220 --> 00:13:10,779
whoever is listening is to kinda get to

371
00:13:10,779 --> 00:13:12,860
the heart of the matter. Mhmm. I think

372
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,560
that's what matters most.

373
00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:17,820
So that's kinda what I work with, like,

374
00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:20,320
at that beginning stages to really

375
00:13:21,424 --> 00:13:24,625
help them establish an environment of safety and

376
00:13:24,625 --> 00:13:26,324
security. And how do we do that?

377
00:13:26,625 --> 00:13:28,464
We have to talk about it. This is

378
00:13:28,464 --> 00:13:31,044
what helps me feel safe. Mhmm.

379
00:13:31,985 --> 00:13:33,924
Betrayer, husband, boyfriend,

380
00:13:34,464 --> 00:13:36,720
is this something you're able to help do?

381
00:13:36,959 --> 00:13:39,600
And if they're truly wanting to help the

382
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,839
partner, then it would be, yes. I can

383
00:13:41,839 --> 00:13:44,480
do that. Or, no. I can't do that,

384
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,579
but I can do this. Would that work?

385
00:13:46,639 --> 00:13:48,980
It's this open dialogue throughout.

386
00:13:49,355 --> 00:13:51,855
And so easier said than done,

387
00:13:52,235 --> 00:13:55,375
especially when we have heightened emotions. When we're

388
00:13:55,434 --> 00:13:55,934
unregulated,

389
00:13:57,034 --> 00:13:57,934
it's difficult

390
00:13:58,554 --> 00:14:01,355
to put into words what we really wanna

391
00:14:01,355 --> 00:14:01,855
say.

392
00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:04,879
And so that's where the patience comes in,

393
00:14:05,179 --> 00:14:07,360
is to continue to ask those questions,

394
00:14:08,539 --> 00:14:09,919
not from an accusatory

395
00:14:10,299 --> 00:14:13,019
way, not from a shaming way, but it's

396
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,500
like you're really hurting right now. What would

397
00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:17,039
make this better? Mhmm.

398
00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:20,554
You know? Now wives will usually say, well,

399
00:14:20,554 --> 00:14:21,855
you should just know.

400
00:14:23,274 --> 00:14:24,495
Yeah. Right?

401
00:14:25,914 --> 00:14:28,014
And we were fed that

402
00:14:28,475 --> 00:14:31,115
that lie. Thank you, Disney, and all the

403
00:14:31,115 --> 00:14:33,629
other romance movies out there. And

404
00:14:34,169 --> 00:14:36,089
so we have to be able to know

405
00:14:36,089 --> 00:14:38,569
what we need and what we want and

406
00:14:38,569 --> 00:14:41,209
what will help us, and we wanna learn

407
00:14:41,209 --> 00:14:43,309
how to articulate that so that

408
00:14:44,970 --> 00:14:46,429
the the man can

409
00:14:46,809 --> 00:14:47,309
understand

410
00:14:48,524 --> 00:14:51,664
what is expected or desired or wanted,

411
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:53,105
and vice versa.

412
00:14:53,644 --> 00:14:55,404
The husband, a lot of times, go like

413
00:14:55,404 --> 00:14:58,625
stone walls Mhmm. And gets really quiet,

414
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,725
but that that's a that's a that's like

415
00:15:01,725 --> 00:15:02,784
a trauma response.

416
00:15:03,330 --> 00:15:05,490
And so what's it's like, I'm noticing you're

417
00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:06,309
shutting down.

418
00:15:07,410 --> 00:15:09,970
How do I keep this conversation going? What

419
00:15:09,970 --> 00:15:10,950
will make it,

420
00:15:11,649 --> 00:15:13,750
easier for you to stay engaged with me?

421
00:15:13,809 --> 00:15:15,509
Yeah. Well, you're and that's

422
00:15:15,845 --> 00:15:17,845
I you know, that I call kinda like

423
00:15:17,845 --> 00:15:20,504
phase two. Is that where you're going now,

424
00:15:21,445 --> 00:15:23,065
which we'll go there in a second.

425
00:15:23,445 --> 00:15:25,605
I just wanted to recap phase one. So

426
00:15:25,684 --> 00:15:27,539
because I agree with everything you said.

427
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:31,480
The phase one really isn't about healthy communication

428
00:15:32,019 --> 00:15:33,799
as much as it's about boundaries

429
00:15:34,899 --> 00:15:35,639
and and

430
00:15:36,419 --> 00:15:38,579
and learning how to do that dance. So

431
00:15:38,579 --> 00:15:41,220
I'm gonna empathize with both sides. Right? So

432
00:15:41,220 --> 00:15:42,039
for the women,

433
00:15:43,995 --> 00:15:44,495
your

434
00:15:45,434 --> 00:15:47,434
your biggest thing is going to be understanding

435
00:15:47,434 --> 00:15:48,955
what a bound what a re what a

436
00:15:48,955 --> 00:15:50,875
boundary really is and what you can actually

437
00:15:50,875 --> 00:15:52,795
ask another human being to do. The you

438
00:15:52,795 --> 00:15:54,875
know, Mel Robbins just wrote this book, the

439
00:15:54,875 --> 00:15:57,035
let them theory. Right? And it's popular. It's

440
00:15:57,035 --> 00:15:58,909
all over social media. And,

441
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:02,990
I usually I'm I'm a I'm a counterculture

442
00:16:03,209 --> 00:16:05,129
person, so if something gets popular, then I

443
00:16:05,129 --> 00:16:07,529
I there's this part of me that refuses

444
00:16:07,529 --> 00:16:09,449
to participate. But my wife bought it, and

445
00:16:09,449 --> 00:16:11,309
we listened to it in the car yesterday

446
00:16:11,370 --> 00:16:13,149
on our way to Phoenix. And,

447
00:16:14,434 --> 00:16:15,554
one of the things that you said was

448
00:16:15,554 --> 00:16:17,955
really interesting. When you tell she was this

449
00:16:17,955 --> 00:16:20,434
chapter about, you know, oh, your husband's overweight

450
00:16:20,434 --> 00:16:22,195
and you want him to get off the

451
00:16:22,195 --> 00:16:23,495
couch and lose some weight.

452
00:16:24,035 --> 00:16:27,175
And it was literally using Harvard based neuroscience

453
00:16:27,870 --> 00:16:30,269
that the more she tries to tell him

454
00:16:30,269 --> 00:16:32,509
what she wants him to do, there's bio

455
00:16:32,590 --> 00:16:34,269
and this isn't just your husband, this women

456
00:16:34,269 --> 00:16:36,129
do this too, that our biology

457
00:16:37,070 --> 00:16:39,549
is to not do it. We don't we

458
00:16:39,549 --> 00:16:41,570
we do not want to be told

459
00:16:42,105 --> 00:16:44,424
what to do. We want it to be

460
00:16:44,424 --> 00:16:47,164
our decision. Right? So I think phase one,

461
00:16:47,384 --> 00:16:49,384
you know, that's the challenge is, oh, I've

462
00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:51,625
been betrayed. Screw you. I'm gonna tell you

463
00:16:51,625 --> 00:16:53,304
what you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna leave

464
00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:54,664
you. I'm gonna take the kids. I'm gonna

465
00:16:54,664 --> 00:16:56,170
take all the money. You need to do

466
00:16:56,170 --> 00:16:57,870
as I say. That's not boundaries.

467
00:16:58,330 --> 00:17:01,129
Right? So boundaries, you know, doing that dance

468
00:17:01,129 --> 00:17:03,450
is tough because you've been you've been treated

469
00:17:03,450 --> 00:17:03,950
poorly

470
00:17:04,730 --> 00:17:06,090
in the worst way. I I think the

471
00:17:06,090 --> 00:17:07,529
worst way possible. I mean, I put it,

472
00:17:07,529 --> 00:17:09,755
you know, this sounds crazy to compare it

473
00:17:09,755 --> 00:17:11,515
to genocide, but I really do. I mean,

474
00:17:11,515 --> 00:17:14,315
I I think betraying your wife is one

475
00:17:14,315 --> 00:17:16,315
of the ugliest things that exists in this

476
00:17:16,315 --> 00:17:18,494
planet. I mean, it is just it violates

477
00:17:18,875 --> 00:17:21,429
so many things that should never be violated.

478
00:17:21,429 --> 00:17:23,909
It's so ugly. So I get that, but

479
00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:26,149
that is the challenge is understanding the difference

480
00:17:26,149 --> 00:17:29,589
between a realistic, healthy, human boundary with your

481
00:17:29,589 --> 00:17:31,369
husband who loves you, who you love,

482
00:17:32,069 --> 00:17:32,789
and a,

483
00:17:33,904 --> 00:17:34,404
demand

484
00:17:34,865 --> 00:17:36,544
that you just feel like you get to

485
00:17:36,544 --> 00:17:38,865
say. Right? Now I wanna emphasize empathize with

486
00:17:38,865 --> 00:17:40,644
the guys on this too because

487
00:17:41,105 --> 00:17:43,424
it's tough in this phase. Oh my gosh.

488
00:17:43,424 --> 00:17:44,804
You're being called names.

489
00:17:45,585 --> 00:17:46,964
You're being asked to do

490
00:17:47,265 --> 00:17:47,765
very

491
00:17:48,289 --> 00:17:50,210
humiliating things. I mean, I remember going to

492
00:17:50,210 --> 00:17:50,869
my first,

493
00:17:51,569 --> 00:17:52,470
like group

494
00:17:52,849 --> 00:17:54,609
with a bunch of sex addicts and, oh

495
00:17:54,609 --> 00:17:56,470
my gosh, I'd be just like mortified.

496
00:17:56,849 --> 00:17:58,690
Like, really? Like my life has come to

497
00:17:58,769 --> 00:18:00,769
I remember sitting in that room thinking, wow,

498
00:18:00,769 --> 00:18:02,845
my life has come to this point. I'm

499
00:18:02,845 --> 00:18:05,005
here sitting in a room with a bunch

500
00:18:05,005 --> 00:18:07,085
of guys who can't control our sexual behavior.

501
00:18:07,085 --> 00:18:09,505
Like I'm I'm one of these guys, right?

502
00:18:09,644 --> 00:18:12,224
So you're in this just horrible environment,

503
00:18:12,924 --> 00:18:15,005
and here you are having some pretty tough

504
00:18:15,005 --> 00:18:17,940
boundaries set sometime. You know? You're being told,

505
00:18:18,259 --> 00:18:19,779
you can't go to certain things that you

506
00:18:19,779 --> 00:18:21,779
used to go to. Maybe your work travel's

507
00:18:21,779 --> 00:18:22,519
being disrupted

508
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:26,099
because of this, which is extremely, extremely common.

509
00:18:26,099 --> 00:18:28,515
It probably happens to most all men. But

510
00:18:28,515 --> 00:18:30,515
I I kinda wanna empathize with both parties

511
00:18:30,515 --> 00:18:31,734
in that first stages.

512
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:33,174
The key really

513
00:18:34,355 --> 00:18:36,755
is learning how to do that dance while

514
00:18:36,755 --> 00:18:37,255
honoring

515
00:18:37,634 --> 00:18:40,674
while honoring humanity and and sound psychology. You

516
00:18:40,674 --> 00:18:42,674
don't just get to reach into your boundary

517
00:18:42,674 --> 00:18:44,909
bag and pull something out and ask him

518
00:18:44,909 --> 00:18:45,730
to do that.

519
00:18:46,669 --> 00:18:49,169
You can, but don't expect it to necessarily

520
00:18:49,230 --> 00:18:51,309
go well. We have to I think both

521
00:18:51,309 --> 00:18:54,109
parties have to figure out a healthy, sustainable

522
00:18:54,109 --> 00:18:55,549
way to do that dance. I mean, if

523
00:18:55,549 --> 00:18:56,990
if the goal is to stay married, you

524
00:18:56,990 --> 00:18:59,664
can't just pull boundaries out of your boundary

525
00:18:59,664 --> 00:19:01,345
bag and throw them at them and say,

526
00:19:01,345 --> 00:19:02,865
you need to do this because you cheated

527
00:19:02,865 --> 00:19:03,524
on me.

528
00:19:03,904 --> 00:19:05,904
But then vice versa, I think guys need

529
00:19:05,904 --> 00:19:06,404
to

530
00:19:07,345 --> 00:19:10,384
also understand that she has every right to

531
00:19:10,384 --> 00:19:10,884
say,

532
00:19:11,210 --> 00:19:13,130
I don't want you traveling for work because

533
00:19:13,130 --> 00:19:14,910
you've acted out on work travel.

534
00:19:15,369 --> 00:19:15,869
And,

535
00:19:16,809 --> 00:19:20,009
if you're gonna keep traveling, then, we might

536
00:19:20,009 --> 00:19:21,529
have to talk about this not working. I

537
00:19:21,529 --> 00:19:23,710
mean, and women have every right to say,

538
00:19:24,965 --> 00:19:26,965
I'd like to I'll say this. I'd love

539
00:19:26,965 --> 00:19:28,005
for you to speak to this because I

540
00:19:28,005 --> 00:19:30,164
think this quote was beautiful. Oh my gosh.

541
00:19:30,164 --> 00:19:32,325
Michelle said this. Michelle May said this. I

542
00:19:32,325 --> 00:19:33,465
loved it. She said

543
00:19:34,644 --> 00:19:36,184
somebody asked her when,

544
00:19:37,950 --> 00:19:39,789
somebody it was my wife, I think. My

545
00:19:39,789 --> 00:19:41,089
wife asked her when,

546
00:19:42,190 --> 00:19:44,849
to when we could add work travel back.

547
00:19:45,230 --> 00:19:45,730
And,

548
00:19:46,109 --> 00:19:47,470
because, you know, there's, you know, a lot

549
00:19:47,470 --> 00:19:48,669
of these guys are like, hey. When's this

550
00:19:48,669 --> 00:19:50,609
gonna happen? I loved her answer.

551
00:19:51,274 --> 00:19:53,774
When your nervous system can handle

552
00:19:54,154 --> 00:19:55,914
it. So, like, when he goes and you're

553
00:19:55,914 --> 00:19:58,634
not gonna, like, freak out, have panic like,

554
00:19:58,634 --> 00:20:01,115
you're calling him, checking it. You know? When

555
00:20:01,115 --> 00:20:02,875
you're in or when you can live a

556
00:20:02,875 --> 00:20:04,875
normal, healthy life while he is out of

557
00:20:04,875 --> 00:20:05,375
town

558
00:20:05,859 --> 00:20:07,779
and you can use your tools and not

559
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:10,679
and and keep your mental health together,

560
00:20:10,980 --> 00:20:12,819
okay. Then then it's like, alright. Let's talk

561
00:20:12,819 --> 00:20:14,099
about how we can try to make this

562
00:20:14,099 --> 00:20:15,859
work. But I I like that measure because

563
00:20:15,859 --> 00:20:18,019
it's like, I don't think guys just have

564
00:20:18,019 --> 00:20:20,179
the right to go and violate all of

565
00:20:20,179 --> 00:20:22,214
these boundaries while she she can has to

566
00:20:22,214 --> 00:20:24,694
suffer worse and worse and worse. So before

567
00:20:24,694 --> 00:20:26,934
we go into phase two communication, anything you

568
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,555
wanna say on some of that?

569
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:31,015
Because I, you know, I liked that definition

570
00:20:31,015 --> 00:20:32,795
because, you know, guys need to understand

571
00:20:33,349 --> 00:20:35,430
nervous system and PTSD is a very real

572
00:20:35,430 --> 00:20:37,910
thing, and you can't just ask her to

573
00:20:37,910 --> 00:20:40,150
suffer because you wanna violate all of her

574
00:20:40,150 --> 00:20:40,650
boundaries.

575
00:20:41,269 --> 00:20:42,009
You know, that's

576
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:44,309
I don't think that's also right either. So,

577
00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:45,670
you know, I didn't go I think it's

578
00:20:45,670 --> 00:20:46,490
a tough dance.

579
00:20:47,105 --> 00:20:48,644
Yeah, it is, it's a tough dance

580
00:20:49,025 --> 00:20:51,904
without question. I've seen every relationship has to

581
00:20:51,904 --> 00:20:54,144
struggle with this dance. Did I miss anything

582
00:20:54,144 --> 00:20:54,724
in that?

583
00:20:55,424 --> 00:20:57,585
No, I mean, it's just, I think for

584
00:20:57,585 --> 00:20:59,664
the one who's betrayed, it's like you've been

585
00:20:59,664 --> 00:21:00,164
untrustworthy.

586
00:21:01,230 --> 00:21:03,789
And then to now expect somebody to trust

587
00:21:03,789 --> 00:21:04,289
you,

588
00:21:04,750 --> 00:21:05,250
like,

589
00:21:05,549 --> 00:21:07,309
there needs to be a reality check there.

590
00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:07,809
And

591
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:10,369
so,

592
00:21:10,750 --> 00:21:12,829
you know, the work environment one is a

593
00:21:12,829 --> 00:21:14,849
difficult one too, especially if there's traveling.

594
00:21:15,315 --> 00:21:17,174
At the same time, it's like,

595
00:21:17,554 --> 00:21:19,575
these were the choices that you made.

596
00:21:19,954 --> 00:21:22,534
Mhmm. And these are some of the consequences

597
00:21:23,474 --> 00:21:26,755
to that. And, yeah, it sucks. Yeah. It's

598
00:21:26,755 --> 00:21:27,255
hard.

599
00:21:27,714 --> 00:21:31,230
And it now sucks for me Yeah. Knowing

600
00:21:31,450 --> 00:21:33,390
when you were away, you were

601
00:21:34,009 --> 00:21:35,630
doing whatever you were doing,

602
00:21:36,090 --> 00:21:38,170
and it wasn't with me. And you were

603
00:21:38,170 --> 00:21:40,330
having lunch with other people and talking with

604
00:21:40,330 --> 00:21:42,809
other women and sleeping with other women and

605
00:21:42,809 --> 00:21:45,214
doing other things that are not mentionable.

606
00:21:45,994 --> 00:21:47,615
And so that's where

607
00:21:48,474 --> 00:21:50,154
it's it's interesting to me where

608
00:21:51,115 --> 00:21:53,434
and, see, early on too, we're also we're

609
00:21:53,434 --> 00:21:55,375
we're dealing with sobriety and recovery.

610
00:21:55,835 --> 00:21:57,355
So a lot of times, like and they're

611
00:21:57,355 --> 00:21:58,015
too different.

612
00:21:58,690 --> 00:22:00,769
Right? So sobriety is just trying to stop

613
00:22:00,769 --> 00:22:03,009
the behavior, but we're not dealing with the

614
00:22:03,009 --> 00:22:05,970
underlying current, like, you know, the issue underneath

615
00:22:05,970 --> 00:22:08,849
it. So it it is gonna feel very

616
00:22:08,849 --> 00:22:09,349
restrictive,

617
00:22:10,049 --> 00:22:11,349
I believe, in the beginning.

618
00:22:11,890 --> 00:22:12,390
And,

619
00:22:13,085 --> 00:22:14,285
I mean, that's just kind of par for

620
00:22:14,285 --> 00:22:15,644
the quote. I was gonna say, what you're

621
00:22:15,644 --> 00:22:17,244
gonna do? Like, you know, that because that

622
00:22:17,244 --> 00:22:18,525
that and that and you said it so

623
00:22:18,525 --> 00:22:20,285
well, and that's what guys need to remember

624
00:22:20,285 --> 00:22:20,785
is,

625
00:22:21,164 --> 00:22:21,664
like,

626
00:22:22,125 --> 00:22:22,625
you

627
00:22:23,644 --> 00:22:24,704
you aren't trustworthy.

628
00:22:25,005 --> 00:22:27,644
You know? If you those of you that

629
00:22:27,644 --> 00:22:30,419
have teenage children, you know, it's it's a

630
00:22:30,419 --> 00:22:33,220
really similar dynamic. I love you. I don't

631
00:22:33,220 --> 00:22:33,940
trust you.

632
00:22:34,259 --> 00:22:36,339
You sneak out. You go places that you're

633
00:22:36,339 --> 00:22:37,859
not you know? And it it it's this

634
00:22:37,859 --> 00:22:40,200
really challenging environment of, like, I love you

635
00:22:40,339 --> 00:22:42,224
so much, but I I just I don't

636
00:22:42,224 --> 00:22:43,984
believe a word out of your mouth because

637
00:22:43,984 --> 00:22:46,625
you've lied to your mom and I over

638
00:22:46,625 --> 00:22:48,065
and over and over and over and over

639
00:22:48,065 --> 00:22:49,744
so that I I have to spy on

640
00:22:49,744 --> 00:22:51,904
you. You've you've done this to yourself. And

641
00:22:51,904 --> 00:22:53,664
so I try to remind, you know, try

642
00:22:53,664 --> 00:22:56,289
to try to remind these guys that's what

643
00:22:56,289 --> 00:22:58,210
we're dealing with. It's has nothing to do

644
00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:00,369
with them loving you or not loving you

645
00:23:00,369 --> 00:23:02,690
or thinking less of you. It's just it's

646
00:23:02,690 --> 00:23:05,410
similar to, to raising a teenager who has

647
00:23:05,410 --> 00:23:08,450
repetitively lied about their whereabouts and what they're

648
00:23:08,450 --> 00:23:10,875
doing. You have to spy on them because

649
00:23:10,875 --> 00:23:12,634
they have just proven time and time again

650
00:23:12,634 --> 00:23:14,894
that they don't tell you the truth. And

651
00:23:15,355 --> 00:23:17,355
it's just it is. It's a hard I'll

652
00:23:17,355 --> 00:23:18,714
I'll speak to it because I can't. You

653
00:23:18,714 --> 00:23:20,174
know, work travel was

654
00:23:20,474 --> 00:23:22,015
you know, I'm a keynote speaker.

655
00:23:22,399 --> 00:23:24,000
Like, that's what I that's that was part

656
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,099
of my and I couldn't do my job.

657
00:23:26,399 --> 00:23:28,319
So can you you know, I empathize with

658
00:23:28,319 --> 00:23:30,319
you guys, but I'm just gonna say, I'm

659
00:23:30,319 --> 00:23:32,240
on your wife's side. I mean, if if

660
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,059
I was doing those things on those trips,

661
00:23:35,474 --> 00:23:38,115
you guys have gotta understand she has the

662
00:23:38,115 --> 00:23:39,015
right to say,

663
00:23:39,795 --> 00:23:42,115
well, if we're gonna stay together, you that

664
00:23:42,115 --> 00:23:43,875
ain't happening. Not not at least not at

665
00:23:43,875 --> 00:23:45,795
least for now. Right? And she has that

666
00:23:45,795 --> 00:23:47,075
right. And then I think what you guys

667
00:23:47,075 --> 00:23:48,700
have to understand is you also have the

668
00:23:48,700 --> 00:23:50,299
right to leave. You don't have to stay

669
00:23:50,299 --> 00:23:51,900
with her. You know, if you wanna if

670
00:23:51,900 --> 00:23:54,720
you wanna pick work and your works travel

671
00:23:54,860 --> 00:23:55,759
over your wife,

672
00:23:56,539 --> 00:23:58,559
then then that's okay. You can do that.

673
00:23:58,700 --> 00:23:59,900
Yeah. You can just tell them and say,

674
00:23:59,900 --> 00:24:01,505
hey. Yep. Exactly.

675
00:24:01,964 --> 00:24:04,525
Mhmm. The ability to choose, which usually when

676
00:24:04,525 --> 00:24:05,025
you're

677
00:24:05,644 --> 00:24:07,644
in this type of environment, you're not wanting

678
00:24:07,644 --> 00:24:09,964
to make big, huge choices like, I'm done.

679
00:24:09,964 --> 00:24:11,025
I'm over because,

680
00:24:11,964 --> 00:24:13,904
you know, you're you're in a reality.

681
00:24:14,205 --> 00:24:15,644
Lot changes in a year and a half

682
00:24:15,894 --> 00:24:16,394
Yeah.

683
00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:18,390
Through all of that. But Oh, yeah. I

684
00:24:18,390 --> 00:24:20,789
always tell everybody divorcing inside of that first

685
00:24:20,789 --> 00:24:22,309
year and a half is a mistake. I

686
00:24:22,309 --> 00:24:25,289
just you're not it's so far from reality

687
00:24:25,429 --> 00:24:27,429
that, you know, I don't recommend couples do

688
00:24:27,429 --> 00:24:30,044
that. Yeah. But it but it's gonna take

689
00:24:30,044 --> 00:24:31,804
time, and it's gonna take a lot of

690
00:24:31,804 --> 00:24:32,304
patience.

691
00:24:32,924 --> 00:24:35,184
For the one who continues to

692
00:24:35,484 --> 00:24:36,304
act out,

693
00:24:36,765 --> 00:24:38,365
I mean, that's a whole different deal. And

694
00:24:38,365 --> 00:24:39,804
I know no one in that book says

695
00:24:39,804 --> 00:24:42,204
there's a difference between, like, teenagers because, like,

696
00:24:42,204 --> 00:24:44,410
we're fully responsible for them. But with another

697
00:24:44,410 --> 00:24:44,910
adult,

698
00:24:46,009 --> 00:24:48,910
it's a different ballgame. Correct. And so, again,

699
00:24:49,289 --> 00:24:51,289
we would be speaking to our own core

700
00:24:51,289 --> 00:24:53,849
values. I have a need for honesty. That's

701
00:24:53,849 --> 00:24:55,070
one of my core values.

702
00:24:56,170 --> 00:24:56,990
Being trustworthy,

703
00:24:58,734 --> 00:24:59,794
you know, authentic.

704
00:25:00,174 --> 00:25:01,774
All of those things are important to me.

705
00:25:01,774 --> 00:25:03,934
And when somebody kind of, like, bumps up

706
00:25:03,934 --> 00:25:05,474
against that and

707
00:25:05,855 --> 00:25:08,894
their behavior is showing me other than what

708
00:25:08,894 --> 00:25:10,034
they said initially,

709
00:25:10,494 --> 00:25:12,174
it's like I have to deal with that.

710
00:25:12,174 --> 00:25:12,869
It's like,

711
00:25:13,430 --> 00:25:15,289
is that okay with me? And if not,

712
00:25:15,750 --> 00:25:17,509
what are we gonna need to do here?

713
00:25:17,509 --> 00:25:19,910
And it may mean not traveling. It's like

714
00:25:19,910 --> 00:25:22,230
you might need to travel local. You might

715
00:25:22,230 --> 00:25:24,250
need to speak more in your neighborhood,

716
00:25:24,710 --> 00:25:26,950
and maybe the wife comes along if that's

717
00:25:26,950 --> 00:25:27,450
feasible.

718
00:25:27,875 --> 00:25:29,475
You know, if there's kids around, that doesn't

719
00:25:29,475 --> 00:25:32,994
necessarily work. But there's always strategies around things.

720
00:25:32,994 --> 00:25:34,835
If both people really want this to work,

721
00:25:34,835 --> 00:25:36,595
you'll find ways to work. Yeah. You will

722
00:25:36,914 --> 00:25:38,434
yeah. It's a and that's what I said.

723
00:25:38,434 --> 00:25:40,835
It's a difficult dance. And, you know, Danny

724
00:25:40,835 --> 00:25:42,830
and I are not claiming this is an

725
00:25:42,830 --> 00:25:45,549
easy dance. It's difficult. I know people who've

726
00:25:45,549 --> 00:25:47,170
changed, who have had to change careers.

727
00:25:47,549 --> 00:25:49,549
You know, there's a lot of firefighters and

728
00:25:49,549 --> 00:25:52,509
pilots out there who their work their work

729
00:25:52,509 --> 00:25:53,570
schedule is

730
00:25:54,544 --> 00:25:56,964
just time and time again proves to be,

731
00:25:57,664 --> 00:26:00,005
disruptive. And so I've seen people walk away

732
00:26:00,144 --> 00:26:00,644
from

733
00:26:01,025 --> 00:26:03,265
retirement packages that were, like, I mean, it's

734
00:26:03,265 --> 00:26:05,505
just, you know, there's always, you know, it's

735
00:26:05,505 --> 00:26:07,079
just it's not a fun dance.

736
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,399
And I and I to your point, I

737
00:26:09,399 --> 00:26:09,899
empathize

738
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,640
with the guys who are walking away from

739
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:13,480
a career they've worked their whole lives for.

740
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:15,579
I I I feel that and that sucks.

741
00:26:16,359 --> 00:26:18,279
But at the same time, you know, you

742
00:26:18,279 --> 00:26:20,534
gotta come down, you know, here's the tie

743
00:26:20,534 --> 00:26:22,934
breaker for me very often is I go

744
00:26:22,934 --> 00:26:23,754
back to

745
00:26:24,774 --> 00:26:26,075
why is this happening

746
00:26:26,534 --> 00:26:28,934
Right. Because of me. Address. And so I

747
00:26:28,934 --> 00:26:30,534
think that's what we always have to come

748
00:26:30,534 --> 00:26:32,534
back for is, did she have a problem

749
00:26:32,534 --> 00:26:34,375
with your work travel before she found out

750
00:26:34,375 --> 00:26:36,430
that you were cheating on her? Right? Like

751
00:26:36,430 --> 00:26:37,789
that's the thing is, I mean, this is

752
00:26:37,789 --> 00:26:40,029
only happening because of what you did. And

753
00:26:40,029 --> 00:26:41,390
and so, yeah, you have to you have

754
00:26:41,390 --> 00:26:42,990
to make a judgment call there when you

755
00:26:42,990 --> 00:26:44,990
guys are just got discovering the boundaries. But

756
00:26:44,990 --> 00:26:46,529
I would, I would ask both parties.

757
00:26:46,910 --> 00:26:48,830
I would ask the women to honor humanity.

758
00:26:48,830 --> 00:26:50,664
Just just remember, you're asking a human being

759
00:26:50,664 --> 00:26:52,284
with hopes and dreams and aspirations

760
00:26:52,984 --> 00:26:54,585
to do these things. And so I'd ask

761
00:26:54,585 --> 00:26:56,024
the ladies, I get it, I get what

762
00:26:56,024 --> 00:26:57,244
they did, it's horrific.

763
00:26:57,784 --> 00:26:59,384
But keep in mind, you know, we gotta

764
00:26:59,544 --> 00:27:00,524
we can't dehumanize

765
00:27:00,825 --> 00:27:03,299
this other individual too much because then we'll

766
00:27:03,299 --> 00:27:05,700
run into capacity issues in the in the

767
00:27:05,700 --> 00:27:07,380
future. You know, guys, there is a very

768
00:27:07,380 --> 00:27:09,079
real wall that they will hit

769
00:27:09,460 --> 00:27:11,299
at that year and a half to year

770
00:27:11,299 --> 00:27:12,279
mark where,

771
00:27:13,059 --> 00:27:14,659
you know, at a certain point, they start

772
00:27:14,659 --> 00:27:16,545
to ask themselves, like, ugh. Like,

773
00:27:17,184 --> 00:27:18,465
is this gonna be the rest of my

774
00:27:18,465 --> 00:27:20,065
life? Like, I'm not sure if I want

775
00:27:20,065 --> 00:27:22,144
this. So I think both partners, we just

776
00:27:22,144 --> 00:27:24,305
need to we need to do that dance

777
00:27:24,305 --> 00:27:25,365
carefully, and,

778
00:27:25,825 --> 00:27:27,345
neither one of you get to have it

779
00:27:27,345 --> 00:27:29,664
your way. You have to put it out

780
00:27:29,664 --> 00:27:31,549
there and and love each other. I mean,

781
00:27:31,549 --> 00:27:33,549
this isn't a fight. This is about how

782
00:27:33,549 --> 00:27:35,630
do I feel the feelings that I wanna

783
00:27:35,630 --> 00:27:37,070
feel. And the woman wants to feel safe,

784
00:27:37,070 --> 00:27:38,589
and the guy wants to still be able

785
00:27:38,589 --> 00:27:39,089
to,

786
00:27:39,630 --> 00:27:40,990
do his work and the things that he

787
00:27:40,990 --> 00:27:42,029
loves to do. So what do we do

788
00:27:42,029 --> 00:27:43,875
about that? You know? And and, it's it's

789
00:27:43,875 --> 00:27:45,955
a dance, and there's gonna be winners and

790
00:27:45,955 --> 00:27:48,035
losers. I mean, that's the unfortunate part, and

791
00:27:48,035 --> 00:27:49,095
that's not the intention

792
00:27:49,475 --> 00:27:50,134
of boundaries.

793
00:27:50,595 --> 00:27:52,595
The intention is just to try to find

794
00:27:52,595 --> 00:27:54,995
some degree of a happy medium here. And,

795
00:27:54,995 --> 00:27:56,890
you know, to your point, Danny, she is

796
00:27:56,890 --> 00:27:58,650
gonna need the edge in some of these

797
00:27:58,650 --> 00:27:59,809
areas. I mean, it's

798
00:28:00,250 --> 00:28:02,490
so many guys try to advocate for some

799
00:28:02,490 --> 00:28:05,150
really scary things really early. And,

800
00:28:06,490 --> 00:28:08,089
you know, got what I'd say to the

801
00:28:08,089 --> 00:28:10,410
guys in that situation is careful with her

802
00:28:10,410 --> 00:28:12,105
nervous system. I mean, she's she's at her

803
00:28:12,105 --> 00:28:13,704
limit here. So let's just,

804
00:28:14,105 --> 00:28:16,184
let's ask for let's ask for as little

805
00:28:16,184 --> 00:28:17,704
as we need to ask for from her

806
00:28:17,704 --> 00:28:20,424
because she's she's really she's redlining at this

807
00:28:20,424 --> 00:28:22,204
point. I mean, when they find this out,

808
00:28:22,825 --> 00:28:25,359
guys, I mean, we'll never know the pain,

809
00:28:25,419 --> 00:28:27,019
you know, and so we gotta be careful

810
00:28:27,019 --> 00:28:28,859
there. So let's talk base Well, it's gonna

811
00:28:28,859 --> 00:28:30,380
ask you. I'm just kinda curious. So, like,

812
00:28:30,380 --> 00:28:32,059
what kind of things would they be asking

813
00:28:32,059 --> 00:28:34,460
of the partner? So my guys so the

814
00:28:34,539 --> 00:28:36,139
a lot of the guys listening to my

815
00:28:36,139 --> 00:28:36,539
show,

816
00:28:36,940 --> 00:28:39,025
and in my groups, they're they're I mean,

817
00:28:39,025 --> 00:28:41,845
work travel is a thing for sure.

818
00:28:42,464 --> 00:28:44,065
And even if it's not a huge thing,

819
00:28:44,065 --> 00:28:46,464
it's always some dynamic. Right? And if it's

820
00:28:46,464 --> 00:28:48,164
not work travel, sometimes it's

821
00:28:48,545 --> 00:28:51,184
socializing. You know, the thing when you climb

822
00:28:51,184 --> 00:28:53,424
the ladder and work and really start getting

823
00:28:53,424 --> 00:28:55,900
into, like, the inner workings of making money,

824
00:28:55,900 --> 00:28:58,930
it's a lot of relationships. That's where a

825
00:28:58,930 --> 00:29:01,624
lot of money is. So a lot of

826
00:29:01,624 --> 00:29:04,317
the guys in my groups, there is a

827
00:29:04,317 --> 00:29:07,011
lot of relationship building. And so that's very

828
00:29:07,011 --> 00:29:09,704
unsettling for the partner sometimes when it's like,

829
00:29:10,105 --> 00:29:11,184
you know, I mean, there's a lot of

830
00:29:11,224 --> 00:29:13,244
like, my some of my highest paid clients

831
00:29:13,304 --> 00:29:15,625
in my program, the wealthiest guys in my

832
00:29:15,625 --> 00:29:16,125
program,

833
00:29:16,505 --> 00:29:18,444
their whole job is just to

834
00:29:18,904 --> 00:29:20,365
kiss ass, make friends,

835
00:29:20,825 --> 00:29:22,505
go out to dinner, golf with people. I

836
00:29:22,505 --> 00:29:25,319
mean, that's their whole life and business is

837
00:29:25,380 --> 00:29:26,599
making relationships.

838
00:29:27,539 --> 00:29:29,640
That's this the entire essence of the business.

839
00:29:29,700 --> 00:29:31,859
And so a lot of what they're asking

840
00:29:31,859 --> 00:29:33,380
is tough. I mean, it's a lot of

841
00:29:33,380 --> 00:29:36,099
travel. It's a lot of entertaining. There's women

842
00:29:36,099 --> 00:29:38,259
around quite often and a lot of that

843
00:29:38,259 --> 00:29:40,714
entertaining. And so, you know, it's just you're

844
00:29:40,714 --> 00:29:43,835
you're really asking for a very tough situation

845
00:29:43,835 --> 00:29:45,755
for her nervous system. It's really tough. And

846
00:29:45,755 --> 00:29:47,674
so I I think I I think that's

847
00:29:47,674 --> 00:29:48,734
all I meant was,

848
00:29:49,115 --> 00:29:51,595
you know, honor what you're asking. Because I

849
00:29:51,595 --> 00:29:53,595
mean, you're you're really you're asking her to

850
00:29:53,595 --> 00:29:55,210
struggle. I mean, that's really what you're asking

851
00:29:55,210 --> 00:29:56,029
her to do.

852
00:29:56,890 --> 00:29:58,650
Yeah. And I think, you know, those kinds

853
00:29:58,650 --> 00:30:01,130
of jobs you can do with integrity and

854
00:30:01,130 --> 00:30:03,450
character. It's a choice. Correct. But if you've

855
00:30:03,450 --> 00:30:05,769
got these underlying issues that have never been

856
00:30:05,769 --> 00:30:07,394
addressed, you don't know that.

857
00:30:07,795 --> 00:30:10,195
And so, you know, sometimes if you say

858
00:30:10,195 --> 00:30:11,714
you have a high price to pay and

859
00:30:11,714 --> 00:30:14,134
it might mean changing a job for firefighters

860
00:30:14,195 --> 00:30:15,734
and police. It's like

861
00:30:16,195 --> 00:30:18,595
the stress of just being the cop or

862
00:30:18,595 --> 00:30:19,335
the firefighter,

863
00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:22,240
is it worth you losing your soul and

864
00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:24,640
your family over it? Right. And so, yeah,

865
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:26,820
the money's good, at what cost?

866
00:30:27,279 --> 00:30:29,299
You know? And same with the executive

867
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:31,779
people as well. It's like,

868
00:30:32,735 --> 00:30:34,414
can you make the shifts? Can you do

869
00:30:34,414 --> 00:30:36,095
the work to be able to do what

870
00:30:36,095 --> 00:30:37,715
you love with integrity?

871
00:30:38,255 --> 00:30:40,654
And that doesn't change overnight, especially if you've

872
00:30:40,654 --> 00:30:43,134
had these compulsive behaviors and you're not sure

873
00:30:43,134 --> 00:30:45,055
why. Like, all that stuff has to get

874
00:30:45,055 --> 00:30:47,830
dealt with. And for the wife, it's like,

875
00:30:48,610 --> 00:30:50,450
I think just I would say to her,

876
00:30:50,450 --> 00:30:52,690
just be honest. Keep it real. Keep it

877
00:30:52,690 --> 00:30:55,650
about you. If you're feeling afraid, what are

878
00:30:55,650 --> 00:30:57,750
you afraid of? What's your worst case scenario?

879
00:30:58,289 --> 00:30:59,970
What do you need to feel safe right

880
00:30:59,970 --> 00:31:02,684
now? What's your ask, or what's what can

881
00:31:02,684 --> 00:31:04,144
you guys as a we

882
00:31:04,525 --> 00:31:07,164
figure out how to do? Early on, this

883
00:31:07,164 --> 00:31:09,404
is difficult, which is why you probably need

884
00:31:09,404 --> 00:31:12,464
other professionals to walk alongside you because emotions

885
00:31:12,605 --> 00:31:13,005
can get

886
00:31:13,609 --> 00:31:14,670
they can run awry.

887
00:31:15,049 --> 00:31:17,210
You know? And once one starts to go

888
00:31:17,210 --> 00:31:19,049
off, it triggers the other person because of

889
00:31:19,049 --> 00:31:21,849
mirroring. Mhmm. Right? And so, you know, we

890
00:31:21,849 --> 00:31:22,349
need

891
00:31:22,809 --> 00:31:25,210
to have at least one person that's able

892
00:31:25,210 --> 00:31:26,730
to keep their feet on the ground, but

893
00:31:26,730 --> 00:31:29,535
that's not always possible. Yeah. It's it's not.

894
00:31:29,835 --> 00:31:31,755
And I think before we go into kind

895
00:31:31,755 --> 00:31:33,515
of phase two communication, the last thing I'd

896
00:31:33,515 --> 00:31:34,494
say there is just,

897
00:31:35,195 --> 00:31:36,955
guys, you gotta understand there's not a whole

898
00:31:36,955 --> 00:31:37,855
lot of rational

899
00:31:38,475 --> 00:31:39,994
thought that's going on.

900
00:31:40,795 --> 00:31:43,365
When they're this activated and this traumatized,

901
00:31:45,490 --> 00:31:46,390
you might say,

902
00:31:46,930 --> 00:31:48,930
hey. Honey, how could anything happen? I have

903
00:31:48,930 --> 00:31:50,630
this here. I have this. You have

904
00:31:50,930 --> 00:31:52,529
access to this and this and this. There's

905
00:31:52,529 --> 00:31:54,150
no way I could cheat on you.

906
00:31:56,225 --> 00:31:57,365
That's not necessarily

907
00:31:57,664 --> 00:32:00,305
where the the these partners are at. There's

908
00:32:00,305 --> 00:32:01,684
not a whole lot of rational

909
00:32:02,065 --> 00:32:04,705
thought. It's just you're gone. I don't care.

910
00:32:04,705 --> 00:32:06,625
Like, you're gone. You hid this from me

911
00:32:06,625 --> 00:32:08,065
for all these years. I'm sure if you

912
00:32:08,065 --> 00:32:09,904
really wanted to, you would find you would

913
00:32:09,904 --> 00:32:11,859
find a way. You'd leave your phone somewhere.

914
00:32:11,859 --> 00:32:12,359
You'd

915
00:32:12,660 --> 00:32:14,500
say this, then then go do like, that's

916
00:32:14,500 --> 00:32:15,619
the thing is, like, they're

917
00:32:16,500 --> 00:32:18,980
you're gonna logic their way into this trauma,

918
00:32:18,980 --> 00:32:19,460
and,

919
00:32:19,779 --> 00:32:21,380
there's just not a lot of logic in

920
00:32:21,380 --> 00:32:22,900
that. And so that's why I'd say as

921
00:32:22,900 --> 00:32:25,240
guys, like, just just keep in mind

922
00:32:26,534 --> 00:32:28,294
they and they know too. My wife always

923
00:32:28,294 --> 00:32:29,815
told me, she's like, I'm acting like a

924
00:32:29,815 --> 00:32:32,375
crazy person. She knew, but that didn't change

925
00:32:32,375 --> 00:32:34,494
her ability to stop acting crazy. I mean,

926
00:32:34,494 --> 00:32:36,214
it was it's, you know, trauma is not

927
00:32:36,214 --> 00:32:38,214
in her control. So let's talk about phase

928
00:32:38,214 --> 00:32:40,799
two. So phase two, the way I define

929
00:32:40,799 --> 00:32:42,659
it, Danny, and maybe you define it different.

930
00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:44,179
So phase one,

931
00:32:44,559 --> 00:32:46,240
you guys don't have a relationship. I mean,

932
00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:48,500
phase one, she's really in this, like,

933
00:32:49,279 --> 00:32:51,039
one foot in, one foot out. Do I

934
00:32:51,039 --> 00:32:53,519
wanna be with this guy at all? Do

935
00:32:53,519 --> 00:32:55,555
I trust him to actually recover? I mean,

936
00:32:55,555 --> 00:32:57,795
phase one's yucky. I mean, that's the reason

937
00:32:57,795 --> 00:32:59,315
she can call you all the names that

938
00:32:59,315 --> 00:33:01,394
she's probably gonna call you is, you know,

939
00:33:01,394 --> 00:33:03,315
to her, like, you're not in a relationship

940
00:33:03,315 --> 00:33:05,555
because you violated your vows. You did things

941
00:33:05,555 --> 00:33:07,075
that you were never supposed to do. You

942
00:33:07,075 --> 00:33:10,195
hurt her worse than anyone probably will ever

943
00:33:10,195 --> 00:33:11,950
hurt her. Right? So you gotta underappreciate

944
00:33:12,570 --> 00:33:13,390
phase one.

945
00:33:13,690 --> 00:33:15,410
I mean, it really is like, gosh. Do

946
00:33:15,410 --> 00:33:17,049
I even wanna do I even wanna be

947
00:33:17,049 --> 00:33:18,330
with a guy like this? Right? And you

948
00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:19,470
can and you can appreciate

949
00:33:19,930 --> 00:33:20,750
you can appreciate

950
00:33:21,049 --> 00:33:23,554
them wrestling with that, especially with to your

951
00:33:23,554 --> 00:33:25,634
point, Danny, like you said, the fairy tale

952
00:33:25,634 --> 00:33:27,095
that's sold to them about

953
00:33:27,554 --> 00:33:29,634
how life's gonna go on the Disney movies

954
00:33:29,634 --> 00:33:31,714
and the notebook and the you know, it's

955
00:33:31,714 --> 00:33:34,515
just people have trauma childhood trauma and different

956
00:33:34,515 --> 00:33:36,595
things that go on in their lives, and

957
00:33:36,595 --> 00:33:38,355
life's just hard. And so it's not like

958
00:33:38,355 --> 00:33:40,160
that. So, you know, she's struggling

959
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:44,059
with her life not being that way. I

960
00:33:44,059 --> 00:33:45,660
mean, it's just it's tough. She always wanted

961
00:33:45,660 --> 00:33:47,180
it that way. Likely, if you're a high

962
00:33:47,180 --> 00:33:49,259
achiever entrepreneur, she actually thought you were gonna

963
00:33:49,259 --> 00:33:51,200
be the one who could get the closest

964
00:33:51,340 --> 00:33:53,180
to the perfect life, and then here you

965
00:33:53,180 --> 00:33:55,174
were, and it ended up being the complete

966
00:33:55,174 --> 00:33:56,934
opposite. She's probably like, oh my gosh, I

967
00:33:56,934 --> 00:33:58,855
wish I got with that, you know, that

968
00:33:58,855 --> 00:34:00,535
other guy, like at least he wouldn't have

969
00:34:00,535 --> 00:34:02,775
cheated on me. Right? So so phase two

970
00:34:02,775 --> 00:34:04,695
is different, right? So phase two, I I

971
00:34:04,695 --> 00:34:07,255
would I define it as things are far

972
00:34:07,255 --> 00:34:08,075
from resolved.

973
00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:10,719
I would just say phase two kicks in

974
00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:12,559
if you're lucky a year, and that's if

975
00:34:12,559 --> 00:34:14,159
the guy did everything right, which they never

976
00:34:14,159 --> 00:34:17,199
do. So so usually phase two starts, I

977
00:34:17,199 --> 00:34:18,719
usually say it right around that like year

978
00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:20,559
and a half mark, you know, somewhere between

979
00:34:20,559 --> 00:34:21,539
month month,

980
00:34:21,844 --> 00:34:23,464
you know, thirteen, fifteen,

981
00:34:24,164 --> 00:34:24,644
and,

982
00:34:25,284 --> 00:34:26,424
and month 20,

983
00:34:27,045 --> 00:34:29,045
where it's like, okay. You know what? I'm

984
00:34:29,045 --> 00:34:30,964
gonna I'm gonna commit to this. I I

985
00:34:30,964 --> 00:34:32,565
wanna be with him. I think I think

986
00:34:32,565 --> 00:34:34,484
he can actually change. I think he knows

987
00:34:34,484 --> 00:34:36,244
I think he knows why this happens, and

988
00:34:36,244 --> 00:34:37,699
I I I think we're on the same

989
00:34:37,699 --> 00:34:39,699
page. I think he I really do think

990
00:34:39,699 --> 00:34:41,940
that he wishes that he could undo this.

991
00:34:41,940 --> 00:34:43,619
And I I believe him that he doesn't

992
00:34:43,619 --> 00:34:45,219
want any of this to ever happen again.

993
00:34:45,219 --> 00:34:47,539
So that's kinda how I call phase two

994
00:34:47,539 --> 00:34:49,545
is it's like, alright. I'll give this a

995
00:34:49,545 --> 00:34:51,945
shot. Now you're a couple again. So that's

996
00:34:51,945 --> 00:34:53,964
kinda cool because it opens the doors

997
00:34:54,984 --> 00:34:56,905
to communications. Now I don't know what your

998
00:34:56,905 --> 00:34:59,224
experience was, Danny. Oh my gosh. Mine or

999
00:34:59,224 --> 00:35:00,284
what you've seen with clients.

1000
00:35:00,664 --> 00:35:02,664
Phase two is and I know guys don't

1001
00:35:02,664 --> 00:35:03,480
wanna hear this because

1002
00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:05,654
there's a lot of guys listening who are

1003
00:35:05,654 --> 00:35:07,320
in phase one. Phase two for me, Danny,

1004
00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:09,400
was just as hard if not harder than

1005
00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:11,239
than phase one. I think in phase one

1006
00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:13,260
was easier because it was like, this lady's

1007
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:15,719
imploding, and I felt so bad because it

1008
00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:17,795
was my fault that I actually found phase

1009
00:35:17,795 --> 00:35:19,154
one easier because it was like, you know

1010
00:35:19,154 --> 00:35:20,674
what? I am a monster. You can call

1011
00:35:20,674 --> 00:35:22,275
me that if you want. Like, oh my

1012
00:35:22,275 --> 00:35:25,074
gosh. Like, I accepted the name calling. Phase

1013
00:35:25,074 --> 00:35:26,755
two was tough because I was tired of

1014
00:35:26,755 --> 00:35:28,994
being called names. I you know, this is

1015
00:35:28,994 --> 00:35:30,835
my wife. I wanna be married again. I

1016
00:35:30,835 --> 00:35:33,500
wanna, like, I wanna have a relationship, like,

1017
00:35:33,500 --> 00:35:35,099
a a loving one like we used to

1018
00:35:35,099 --> 00:35:37,579
have. Like and so phase two sucked because

1019
00:35:37,579 --> 00:35:38,880
it's like we're having

1020
00:35:39,260 --> 00:35:40,960
a lot of really painful conversations,

1021
00:35:41,500 --> 00:35:43,820
but it almost hurt worse, Danny, because we're

1022
00:35:43,820 --> 00:35:46,324
we're both committed to each other again. And

1023
00:35:46,324 --> 00:35:48,804
now the pain, I mean, it it it

1024
00:35:48,804 --> 00:35:50,025
stung a lot.

1025
00:35:50,324 --> 00:35:52,644
And I found we were actually having more

1026
00:35:52,644 --> 00:35:55,364
communication issues in phase two because we were

1027
00:35:55,364 --> 00:35:56,264
actually communicating

1028
00:35:56,644 --> 00:35:59,224
rather than drawing lines and throwing stones.

1029
00:35:59,809 --> 00:36:01,570
So talk to me about phase two. How

1030
00:36:01,570 --> 00:36:03,730
is this you know, you mentioned, like, kinda

1031
00:36:03,730 --> 00:36:06,130
like the EFT kind of philosophy. Right? How

1032
00:36:06,130 --> 00:36:08,449
do we how do we have conversations about

1033
00:36:08,449 --> 00:36:10,309
what's actually going on,

1034
00:36:10,929 --> 00:36:13,695
not what you hear or think is going

1035
00:36:13,695 --> 00:36:15,375
on. What's the advice that you give there?

1036
00:36:15,375 --> 00:36:17,295
Because getting down to the core of it's

1037
00:36:17,295 --> 00:36:20,015
hard to do without a therapist involved. It's

1038
00:36:20,015 --> 00:36:21,775
very difficult to do on your own as

1039
00:36:21,775 --> 00:36:22,355
a couple.

1040
00:36:22,815 --> 00:36:26,094
Yeah. Well, it like, our phase two, it

1041
00:36:26,094 --> 00:36:28,039
kind of involves this grieving and mourning

1042
00:36:28,420 --> 00:36:31,780
thing. Yeah, I like that. Because, you know,

1043
00:36:31,780 --> 00:36:33,940
a bomb went off and we're having to

1044
00:36:33,940 --> 00:36:36,340
reestablish safety and stability and then we're moving

1045
00:36:36,340 --> 00:36:37,800
into this other place where,

1046
00:36:38,180 --> 00:36:38,840
you know,

1047
00:36:40,344 --> 00:36:42,585
say the the husband is doing all the

1048
00:36:42,585 --> 00:36:43,485
things and going

1049
00:36:43,945 --> 00:36:46,364
to the meetings and seeing the therapist, and

1050
00:36:46,585 --> 00:36:49,244
and she's in a group, and and she's

1051
00:36:49,305 --> 00:36:51,805
seeing her own coach or therapist as well,

1052
00:36:51,864 --> 00:36:55,005
and and they're desiring to kinda come back.

1053
00:36:56,099 --> 00:36:58,119
What this is what I tell people.

1054
00:36:59,460 --> 00:37:01,079
You're creating something new.

1055
00:37:01,940 --> 00:37:03,700
And what is it that you wanna create?

1056
00:37:03,700 --> 00:37:05,780
Because you can't go back to what you

1057
00:37:05,780 --> 00:37:08,119
had because what you had was toxic.

1058
00:37:08,964 --> 00:37:11,464
You know? There was an illusion of things

1059
00:37:12,164 --> 00:37:13,704
being a certain way,

1060
00:37:14,085 --> 00:37:15,065
but the reality

1061
00:37:15,364 --> 00:37:16,664
revealed something different.

1062
00:37:17,204 --> 00:37:20,085
And so it it becomes an opportunity. And

1063
00:37:20,085 --> 00:37:22,779
and these stages and the length of time

1064
00:37:22,779 --> 00:37:24,960
vary because it depends on how committed people

1065
00:37:25,260 --> 00:37:27,179
are. People, like, say three to five years.

1066
00:37:27,179 --> 00:37:28,159
Well, you know,

1067
00:37:29,339 --> 00:37:31,339
like, I I went through all of my

1068
00:37:31,339 --> 00:37:34,380
stuff throughout the the first marriage, was married

1069
00:37:34,380 --> 00:37:36,219
twenty years, and then was in recovery for

1070
00:37:36,219 --> 00:37:39,284
many, many years. And there's varying levels and

1071
00:37:39,284 --> 00:37:40,824
lingers that we're having to process.

1072
00:37:41,364 --> 00:37:43,445
No. It's not as hard as it was

1073
00:37:43,445 --> 00:37:46,085
at the very beginning stages. That marriage did

1074
00:37:46,085 --> 00:37:46,744
not work,

1075
00:37:47,204 --> 00:37:48,344
unfortunately. But,

1076
00:37:48,724 --> 00:37:49,320
you know,

1077
00:37:49,719 --> 00:37:51,400
you get to wherever you're at, and where

1078
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,239
you at is where you are. And that's

1079
00:37:53,239 --> 00:37:55,160
what we're having to deal with. Where are

1080
00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:57,640
we now? Like, the State of the Union

1081
00:37:57,640 --> 00:37:59,480
address, you know, like, this is where I'm

1082
00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:01,099
at. This is where I'm still struggling.

1083
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:03,320
This is where I felt like I'm doing

1084
00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:04,140
really well.

1085
00:38:04,644 --> 00:38:06,565
And I think it was Simon Sinek where

1086
00:38:06,565 --> 00:38:07,704
he talks about

1087
00:38:08,164 --> 00:38:10,105
instead of, like, you know,

1088
00:38:11,684 --> 00:38:14,105
saying what the other person's doing wrong still,

1089
00:38:14,164 --> 00:38:16,405
tell them what they're doing right, and you

1090
00:38:16,405 --> 00:38:18,644
would say what you're not doing well. Mhmm.

1091
00:38:18,644 --> 00:38:19,500
I like that.

1092
00:38:19,980 --> 00:38:21,659
And I thought, well, that was an an

1093
00:38:21,659 --> 00:38:23,039
interesting little shift

1094
00:38:23,340 --> 00:38:23,840
because,

1095
00:38:24,380 --> 00:38:26,400
you know, we've got these shadow sides,

1096
00:38:26,780 --> 00:38:29,099
and we we have to acknowledge those parts

1097
00:38:29,099 --> 00:38:31,019
of us. Like, I would never do this.

1098
00:38:31,019 --> 00:38:33,179
I could not ever be like that or

1099
00:38:33,179 --> 00:38:34,934
say that or do that or show up

1100
00:38:34,934 --> 00:38:37,175
in that kind of seedy place. And yet

1101
00:38:37,175 --> 00:38:37,914
it's like,

1102
00:38:39,094 --> 00:38:39,675
you know,

1103
00:38:39,974 --> 00:38:41,434
maybe not like that,

1104
00:38:41,815 --> 00:38:43,575
but the spirit in it, the energy in

1105
00:38:43,575 --> 00:38:45,255
it is something we have to look at.

1106
00:38:45,255 --> 00:38:47,255
And so that mourning and grief stage is

1107
00:38:47,255 --> 00:38:48,635
looking at like, wow.

1108
00:38:49,019 --> 00:38:50,559
What I thought I had.

1109
00:38:51,019 --> 00:38:53,280
And it wasn't all crap. Right?

1110
00:38:53,579 --> 00:38:55,019
You know, I had to look at some

1111
00:38:55,019 --> 00:38:55,099
of the

1112
00:38:55,900 --> 00:38:56,480
you know,

1113
00:38:56,940 --> 00:38:58,960
my family had good moments,

1114
00:38:59,579 --> 00:39:01,724
and then there was a lot else that

1115
00:39:01,724 --> 00:39:03,244
was going on. So I had to look

1116
00:39:03,244 --> 00:39:04,144
at all of that,

1117
00:39:04,444 --> 00:39:06,125
and I had to grieve that. And I

1118
00:39:06,125 --> 00:39:07,744
still grieve some of that just

1119
00:39:08,444 --> 00:39:11,164
years later on a different plane that I'm

1120
00:39:11,164 --> 00:39:11,664
on.

1121
00:39:11,964 --> 00:39:12,464
And

1122
00:39:13,644 --> 00:39:15,744
for the couple, I would just say,

1123
00:39:16,050 --> 00:39:18,530
again, you're doing check ins, and those can

1124
00:39:18,530 --> 00:39:21,170
be mundane and tedious at times because it's

1125
00:39:21,170 --> 00:39:23,030
like, like, moat, you know,

1126
00:39:23,410 --> 00:39:24,769
just saying the same thing over and over

1127
00:39:24,769 --> 00:39:27,090
again. And so it's like we go a

1128
00:39:27,090 --> 00:39:29,635
little bit deeper, you know, really, like, what's

1129
00:39:29,635 --> 00:39:30,994
on your mind? What's on your heart? What's

1130
00:39:30,994 --> 00:39:31,974
alive in you today?

1131
00:39:32,795 --> 00:39:34,835
You know, what did you pick up in

1132
00:39:34,835 --> 00:39:37,155
your session? Now early on, the wife's, like,

1133
00:39:37,155 --> 00:39:38,855
wanted to know, like, what are you doing?

1134
00:39:38,994 --> 00:39:40,674
What'd you learn? Because if you didn't learn

1135
00:39:40,674 --> 00:39:41,974
what I think you should be learning,

1136
00:39:42,594 --> 00:39:44,960
that becomes a struggle and it's difficult for

1137
00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:45,780
the husband.

1138
00:39:46,319 --> 00:39:46,819
But

1139
00:39:47,920 --> 00:39:50,239
there's a point in time where some of

1140
00:39:50,239 --> 00:39:52,480
the let them theory comes into play when

1141
00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:55,679
there's not acting out. If you're still acting

1142
00:39:55,679 --> 00:39:56,175
out,

1143
00:39:56,894 --> 00:39:58,815
like Right. That's a whole different ballgame. But

1144
00:39:58,815 --> 00:40:00,994
if if there's evidence and consistency

1145
00:40:01,295 --> 00:40:02,835
and things are being congruent,

1146
00:40:04,015 --> 00:40:06,655
you that's where you're starting to, like, come

1147
00:40:06,655 --> 00:40:07,474
back together.

1148
00:40:07,934 --> 00:40:09,474
And it does take a lot of,

1149
00:40:10,894 --> 00:40:11,394
attunement,

1150
00:40:12,230 --> 00:40:14,089
right, and awareness.

1151
00:40:15,109 --> 00:40:17,190
Staying in present moment is a huge thing

1152
00:40:17,190 --> 00:40:17,690
because

1153
00:40:17,989 --> 00:40:19,609
we have a tendency as partners

1154
00:40:19,909 --> 00:40:20,809
to go backwards.

1155
00:40:21,349 --> 00:40:23,030
Like, oh, but this reminds me of this,

1156
00:40:23,030 --> 00:40:25,109
and that happens. And that's the nervous system.

1157
00:40:25,109 --> 00:40:25,429
That's just

1158
00:40:26,434 --> 00:40:28,434
that's what we that's that's how that all

1159
00:40:28,434 --> 00:40:30,594
works. And it's brutal and it's awful and

1160
00:40:30,594 --> 00:40:31,655
you wake up ruminating.

1161
00:40:32,195 --> 00:40:33,255
And and for the

1162
00:40:33,554 --> 00:40:35,635
the male, it's like, oh my god. I

1163
00:40:35,635 --> 00:40:37,155
wonder what that's like for you. Like, I

1164
00:40:37,155 --> 00:40:38,914
can't imagine not getting a full eight hours

1165
00:40:38,914 --> 00:40:40,755
of sleep. Like, you're waking up still thinking

1166
00:40:40,755 --> 00:40:41,255
about

1167
00:40:41,849 --> 00:40:42,989
this, this, and that.

1168
00:40:44,010 --> 00:40:46,349
Like, just even having empathy for that

1169
00:40:46,650 --> 00:40:48,269
without having to fix her

1170
00:40:48,730 --> 00:40:49,230
or

1171
00:40:49,930 --> 00:40:52,410
justify or I've I've been doing all these

1172
00:40:52,410 --> 00:40:52,910
things.

1173
00:40:53,210 --> 00:40:54,809
You know? It's like this is where the

1174
00:40:54,809 --> 00:40:56,570
rubber meets the road in this phase here

1175
00:40:56,570 --> 00:40:57,375
because it's like,

1176
00:40:57,934 --> 00:41:00,355
can we continue to grow a little story?

1177
00:41:00,494 --> 00:41:01,235
And, unfortunately,

1178
00:41:01,614 --> 00:41:03,954
none of us learned this in school. Like,

1179
00:41:04,494 --> 00:41:08,094
like, could you imagine, Lauren, like, learning solid

1180
00:41:08,094 --> 00:41:08,594
communication

1181
00:41:08,894 --> 00:41:10,195
skills early on

1182
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:12,660
and how that would affect everybody,

1183
00:41:13,119 --> 00:41:14,960
but none of us had that. We didn't

1184
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:16,500
have it modeled. And so

1185
00:41:17,519 --> 00:41:19,539
I also see this as a great opportunity

1186
00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:22,019
to create something great

1187
00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:24,864
if we're willing to do the work. Mhmm.

1188
00:41:24,864 --> 00:41:27,045
All that's going to take both

1189
00:41:28,224 --> 00:41:31,264
people, particularly in that second stage because that's

1190
00:41:31,264 --> 00:41:33,525
where some of the relapses happen too.

1191
00:41:34,065 --> 00:41:34,644
You know?

1192
00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:37,079
Well, the grief phase yeah. I mean, the

1193
00:41:37,079 --> 00:41:40,299
grief phase wears off at eight month eight.

1194
00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:42,859
All guys are like, oh, I'm sober.

1195
00:41:43,159 --> 00:41:45,960
And then the grief phase wears off, and

1196
00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:48,039
you're less sober than you thought. And and

1197
00:41:48,039 --> 00:41:50,625
it happens I mean, it's it's so common

1198
00:41:50,625 --> 00:41:53,445
that it's written in pretty much every text

1199
00:41:53,744 --> 00:41:54,244
about,

1200
00:41:55,344 --> 00:41:58,065
about sex addiction recovery is when the grief

1201
00:41:58,065 --> 00:42:01,184
keeps you sober because you're terrified about, you

1202
00:42:01,184 --> 00:42:03,184
know, your life leaving you. But, yeah, once

1203
00:42:03,184 --> 00:42:05,079
that grief goes away, you you know? And

1204
00:42:05,079 --> 00:42:06,599
that's the challenge, I think, like you said,

1205
00:42:06,599 --> 00:42:08,139
with phase two. Phase two,

1206
00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:10,760
you know, the the crisis is kind of

1207
00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:12,920
what seems to have passed. You're starting to

1208
00:42:12,920 --> 00:42:15,319
say, oh, she's not gonna leave me. Actually,

1209
00:42:15,319 --> 00:42:17,000
you know, first whole first phase is like,

1210
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:18,855
oh my gosh. She's gonna leave me. She's

1211
00:42:18,855 --> 00:42:19,894
gonna leave me. She's gonna leave me. I

1212
00:42:19,894 --> 00:42:21,015
need to be on my best behavior. But,

1213
00:42:21,015 --> 00:42:23,175
yeah, once she recommits and you feel that,

1214
00:42:23,175 --> 00:42:24,954
you'll feel it in your body, the recommitment

1215
00:42:25,574 --> 00:42:27,735
to your point. Yeah. Slips and relapses do

1216
00:42:27,735 --> 00:42:30,054
happen in that stage. But it's a but

1217
00:42:30,054 --> 00:42:31,835
I'm curious. What do you like,

1218
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:34,059
Danny, when you're

1219
00:42:34,519 --> 00:42:36,119
you know, because it is. It's phase two

1220
00:42:36,119 --> 00:42:38,920
is a different phase because now we're we're

1221
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,159
trying to do recovery together, but we're far

1222
00:42:41,159 --> 00:42:43,079
from over it. I mean, the the addict

1223
00:42:43,079 --> 00:42:45,494
is still figuring out I mean, because this

1224
00:42:45,494 --> 00:42:47,335
is a process addiction and not really a

1225
00:42:47,335 --> 00:42:49,414
sex addiction, the addict's still trying to figure

1226
00:42:49,414 --> 00:42:51,974
out what are these problematic thought processes that

1227
00:42:51,974 --> 00:42:54,214
I'm addicted to, and how am I gonna

1228
00:42:54,214 --> 00:42:55,654
sub them out. Because I think that, you

1229
00:42:55,654 --> 00:42:57,594
know, that's the challenge is, like,

1230
00:42:57,909 --> 00:42:59,989
as long as these other things if as

1231
00:42:59,989 --> 00:43:01,989
long as your brain likes those better than

1232
00:43:01,989 --> 00:43:04,389
the alternatives, it's gonna keep telling you to

1233
00:43:04,389 --> 00:43:05,989
go do those things. You know? I mean,

1234
00:43:05,989 --> 00:43:07,909
the the process of selling your brain on

1235
00:43:07,909 --> 00:43:08,409
superior

1236
00:43:09,190 --> 00:43:11,925
substitutes is it's a it's a it's not

1237
00:43:11,925 --> 00:43:13,925
as easy as everyone would like to make

1238
00:43:13,925 --> 00:43:16,244
it sound. And meanwhile, your wife's over here

1239
00:43:16,244 --> 00:43:17,224
on this other side.

1240
00:43:17,525 --> 00:43:19,445
She's trying she really you know, phase two

1241
00:43:19,445 --> 00:43:21,605
is kinda cool because your wife's really like,

1242
00:43:21,605 --> 00:43:23,485
I need to I need to I need

1243
00:43:23,485 --> 00:43:24,805
to figure a lot of this out for

1244
00:43:24,805 --> 00:43:27,110
me. Like, she understands, like, a lot of

1245
00:43:27,110 --> 00:43:28,250
the stuff that she thinks

1246
00:43:28,630 --> 00:43:29,530
is not healthy.

1247
00:43:30,230 --> 00:43:32,010
And she knows that. But, again,

1248
00:43:32,390 --> 00:43:34,470
it doesn't take the pain away from both

1249
00:43:34,470 --> 00:43:36,630
partners. Right? I find phase two is full

1250
00:43:36,630 --> 00:43:38,804
of the guy sick of being judged and

1251
00:43:38,804 --> 00:43:41,204
labeled for activities that he has proven he

1252
00:43:41,204 --> 00:43:43,204
wants out of his life. And then she's

1253
00:43:43,204 --> 00:43:45,545
over here getting judged by her husband

1254
00:43:45,925 --> 00:43:46,425
for,

1255
00:43:47,284 --> 00:43:49,525
you know you know, again, they they try

1256
00:43:49,684 --> 00:43:51,359
you know, we try not to, but we

1257
00:43:51,359 --> 00:43:54,420
do approach these situations with fix it energy.

1258
00:43:54,799 --> 00:43:57,279
And so which is not what she's asking.

1259
00:43:57,279 --> 00:43:58,019
She's saying,

1260
00:43:58,480 --> 00:43:59,779
I believe these beliefs,

1261
00:44:00,159 --> 00:44:01,219
and I hate them.

1262
00:44:01,679 --> 00:44:03,119
And that's what I think guys need to

1263
00:44:03,119 --> 00:44:05,885
understand is, yeah, she hates them, you hate

1264
00:44:05,885 --> 00:44:08,224
them, you both hate them. But to me,

1265
00:44:08,844 --> 00:44:10,525
Mark, what I would I'd I'd be curious

1266
00:44:10,525 --> 00:44:12,204
to your thought. What I usually tell people

1267
00:44:12,204 --> 00:44:13,485
about phase two, if I have to, like,

1268
00:44:13,485 --> 00:44:15,724
keep it really short and sweet, I usually

1269
00:44:15,724 --> 00:44:16,224
say,

1270
00:44:17,390 --> 00:44:19,789
you guys are fighting the same enemy finally.

1271
00:44:19,789 --> 00:44:22,210
You know, phase one, you're not. Phase one,

1272
00:44:22,349 --> 00:44:24,050
she's try you know, she's

1273
00:44:24,430 --> 00:44:26,030
you know, she's trying to fight yours to

1274
00:44:26,030 --> 00:44:27,869
leave you. You're trying to keep her to

1275
00:44:27,869 --> 00:44:29,630
stay. So you guys are kind of doing

1276
00:44:29,630 --> 00:44:31,070
two different things, and I kind of work

1277
00:44:31,070 --> 00:44:31,570
harmoniously.

1278
00:44:31,869 --> 00:44:34,925
Right? You're fighting for her and the relationship,

1279
00:44:34,925 --> 00:44:36,925
which I'm sure she appreciates even though she's

1280
00:44:36,925 --> 00:44:37,825
calling you names.

1281
00:44:38,525 --> 00:44:40,204
But then she's still kind of doing a

1282
00:44:40,204 --> 00:44:43,025
similar fight. Like like, is this something so

1283
00:44:43,325 --> 00:44:45,585
I think phase two is almost harder because

1284
00:44:45,849 --> 00:44:47,609
it it looks harder, but I think it

1285
00:44:47,609 --> 00:44:49,449
shouldn't be because you guys actually have a

1286
00:44:49,449 --> 00:44:50,269
common enemy.

1287
00:44:51,050 --> 00:44:53,069
You guys have the addictive behaviors

1288
00:44:53,769 --> 00:44:56,329
and the trauma that it caused. You guys

1289
00:44:56,329 --> 00:44:57,949
should be on the same team.

1290
00:44:58,489 --> 00:45:00,489
Danny, why is that so hard though? Because

1291
00:45:00,489 --> 00:45:02,545
I'll tell you what. When I see couples

1292
00:45:02,545 --> 00:45:03,905
in phase two, they don't look like they're

1293
00:45:03,905 --> 00:45:05,905
on the same team quite yet. What's the

1294
00:45:05,985 --> 00:45:07,505
how what kind of tools can we do

1295
00:45:07,505 --> 00:45:08,244
to get there?

1296
00:45:09,824 --> 00:45:10,324
Well,

1297
00:45:10,625 --> 00:45:12,324
I like what you're saying. It's like,

1298
00:45:12,785 --> 00:45:14,485
if we can put in the middle

1299
00:45:14,864 --> 00:45:16,724
the actual issue and the problem,

1300
00:45:17,109 --> 00:45:19,449
and we have the individuals on the outside,

1301
00:45:19,510 --> 00:45:21,449
like, we don't vilify each other.

1302
00:45:21,750 --> 00:45:23,829
Right? The problem is when we take everything

1303
00:45:23,829 --> 00:45:24,329
personal.

1304
00:45:24,710 --> 00:45:25,690
Yeah. And

1305
00:45:26,150 --> 00:45:28,570
and, yes, it's personal because it's relational,

1306
00:45:29,424 --> 00:45:31,824
and yet a lot of it's not. And

1307
00:45:31,824 --> 00:45:33,824
if we can see it as this is

1308
00:45:33,824 --> 00:45:36,625
somebody who's struggling with their own inner demons

1309
00:45:36,625 --> 00:45:39,025
or whatever it is, and whether it's the

1310
00:45:39,025 --> 00:45:40,885
compulsive behaviors due to

1311
00:45:41,424 --> 00:45:43,264
wanting to climb the ladder and be seen

1312
00:45:43,264 --> 00:45:45,659
as successful and have all the things, and

1313
00:45:45,659 --> 00:45:48,859
or the partner where she has her own

1314
00:45:48,859 --> 00:45:51,420
set of ideals. Right? So you're really being

1315
00:45:51,420 --> 00:45:52,559
faced with, like

1316
00:45:54,059 --> 00:45:56,460
you have a reality check there. Mhmm. What

1317
00:45:56,460 --> 00:45:58,139
I thought I believed, is that what I

1318
00:45:58,139 --> 00:45:58,960
still believe

1319
00:45:59,614 --> 00:46:01,234
with where we're at right now?

1320
00:46:02,174 --> 00:46:04,414
If I if I believe that we're both

1321
00:46:04,414 --> 00:46:06,734
fighting for the same thing or on the

1322
00:46:06,734 --> 00:46:08,674
same team, that makes it a lot easier

1323
00:46:08,815 --> 00:46:09,474
for sure.

1324
00:46:10,094 --> 00:46:10,594
And

1325
00:46:11,534 --> 00:46:14,114
also knowing that this phase is also messy.

1326
00:46:14,414 --> 00:46:17,440
Right? It doesn't have to be as messy,

1327
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:20,099
but it's still messy because we're we're repatterning.

1328
00:46:20,719 --> 00:46:22,639
We're setting new grooves in the brain, and

1329
00:46:22,639 --> 00:46:23,139
we're,

1330
00:46:23,599 --> 00:46:25,839
establishing new ways of being as a couple,

1331
00:46:25,839 --> 00:46:27,224
and it's different. It's

1332
00:46:27,704 --> 00:46:30,105
something we haven't done before. Mhmm. And so

1333
00:46:30,105 --> 00:46:31,485
you don't wanna go backwards.

1334
00:46:31,945 --> 00:46:34,345
And so moving forward, we're gonna be honest

1335
00:46:34,345 --> 00:46:36,505
and open and real and transparent, and that

1336
00:46:36,505 --> 00:46:38,285
scares the hell out of us

1337
00:46:38,664 --> 00:46:41,164
because we don't wanna get hurt again.

1338
00:46:41,704 --> 00:46:42,445
And so

1339
00:46:42,909 --> 00:46:44,909
to stay in the game is half the

1340
00:46:44,909 --> 00:46:47,409
battle there. If I can just stay present

1341
00:46:47,789 --> 00:46:49,170
and I can stay

1342
00:46:49,630 --> 00:46:51,869
attuned to myself, if I can, as a

1343
00:46:51,869 --> 00:46:52,369
partner,

1344
00:46:52,909 --> 00:46:54,590
keep my feet on the ground and know

1345
00:46:54,590 --> 00:46:56,429
that right now, I'm safe. Right now, he's

1346
00:46:56,429 --> 00:46:58,110
in the room with me. Right now, he's

1347
00:46:58,110 --> 00:47:00,315
not acting out. Right now, he is in

1348
00:47:00,315 --> 00:47:02,474
recovery. Right now, he is seeing a therapist.

1349
00:47:02,474 --> 00:47:04,014
Right now, I have support.

1350
00:47:04,315 --> 00:47:05,855
Right now, we're seeing couples.

1351
00:47:06,795 --> 00:47:09,514
We're in couples therapy work, and we're now

1352
00:47:09,514 --> 00:47:11,855
having to learn these tools to implement.

1353
00:47:12,219 --> 00:47:14,239
And, yeah, it seems so psychology.

1354
00:47:15,099 --> 00:47:16,539
You know what I mean? Like, all the

1355
00:47:16,539 --> 00:47:18,699
jargon is completely different than what we're used

1356
00:47:18,699 --> 00:47:20,380
to. And it's like I always tell my

1357
00:47:20,380 --> 00:47:21,760
husband, like, get over it.

1358
00:47:23,180 --> 00:47:24,880
Yeah. This is what she's learning,

1359
00:47:25,284 --> 00:47:28,025
and this is actually helping her stay grounded,

1360
00:47:28,405 --> 00:47:29,625
which will help you

1361
00:47:30,244 --> 00:47:30,744
too.

1362
00:47:31,125 --> 00:47:33,864
When she's not feeling grounded, when she's unregulated,

1363
00:47:34,324 --> 00:47:36,644
you're liable to get attacked and called names

1364
00:47:36,644 --> 00:47:39,280
again. And for your sake and hers,

1365
00:47:39,820 --> 00:47:41,360
we just have to, like,

1366
00:47:43,500 --> 00:47:44,880
work with each other.

1367
00:47:45,579 --> 00:47:47,440
And I'm not this is not easy.

1368
00:47:47,820 --> 00:47:50,699
No. Because we had ego that's coming up.

1369
00:47:50,699 --> 00:47:53,734
Our our low our parts come up. Right?

1370
00:47:53,734 --> 00:47:56,554
If you're one who ascribes to attachment theory,

1371
00:47:56,614 --> 00:47:59,194
it's like you've got the avoiders and the

1372
00:47:59,414 --> 00:48:02,394
insecure attachments. And, you know, the secure attachments

1373
00:48:02,775 --> 00:48:04,920
are usually based in, like, I know I'm

1374
00:48:04,920 --> 00:48:07,500
being cared for. I know I'm being considered.

1375
00:48:07,960 --> 00:48:10,599
I know I have resources, inner resources, and

1376
00:48:10,599 --> 00:48:11,739
exterior resources,

1377
00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:14,280
and I'm not putting all my eggs in

1378
00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:14,780
you.

1379
00:48:15,159 --> 00:48:17,639
Mhmm. And so I would love to do

1380
00:48:17,639 --> 00:48:18,780
life with you

1381
00:48:19,144 --> 00:48:21,304
alongside you, but you are you and I

1382
00:48:21,304 --> 00:48:23,065
am me. And how can we create this

1383
00:48:23,065 --> 00:48:23,885
life together?

1384
00:48:24,344 --> 00:48:25,164
That's where

1385
00:48:25,704 --> 00:48:27,565
I think beautiful things can come,

1386
00:48:28,344 --> 00:48:30,284
and it takes as long as it takes.

1387
00:48:30,425 --> 00:48:32,425
You know? You nailed it. The that's what

1388
00:48:32,425 --> 00:48:34,349
I tell you know? Because it is. Like,

1389
00:48:34,590 --> 00:48:36,590
you're gonna forever be a cheater. I know

1390
00:48:36,590 --> 00:48:38,829
that sucks, but, like, her brain just knows

1391
00:48:38,829 --> 00:48:41,789
that you have cheated before. And so she

1392
00:48:41,789 --> 00:48:43,970
need you guys need to develop a relationship

1393
00:48:44,110 --> 00:48:44,610
where

1394
00:48:45,309 --> 00:48:47,594
she knows that that was something that has

1395
00:48:47,835 --> 00:48:50,715
happened, and, and you guys are gonna figure

1396
00:48:50,715 --> 00:48:52,474
out how to navigate that. And then vice

1397
00:48:52,474 --> 00:48:52,974
versa,

1398
00:48:53,355 --> 00:48:56,315
you're with somebody who doesn't who can't blindly

1399
00:48:56,315 --> 00:48:57,775
trust you again and

1400
00:48:58,394 --> 00:49:00,494
and will probably likely have

1401
00:49:00,875 --> 00:49:04,469
these triggering moments for the foreseeable future. And

1402
00:49:04,469 --> 00:49:05,989
so I think you nailed it. It's how

1403
00:49:05,989 --> 00:49:08,469
do we develop a relationship there? Because, like,

1404
00:49:08,469 --> 00:49:10,070
everybody does this. We we we get with

1405
00:49:10,070 --> 00:49:12,469
people with flaws and character that, you know,

1406
00:49:12,469 --> 00:49:14,570
all the time, and we find a way.

1407
00:49:14,710 --> 00:49:17,445
And, sexual portrayal is no different. It's bigger.

1408
00:49:17,525 --> 00:49:20,405
It's uglier. It's more complex. No no question

1409
00:49:20,405 --> 00:49:23,445
about it. You definitely need professional help because

1410
00:49:23,445 --> 00:49:25,625
no one no one can do this,

1411
00:49:26,085 --> 00:49:27,144
with their own intuition.

1412
00:49:27,605 --> 00:49:29,125
But at the same time, I'll just say

1413
00:49:29,125 --> 00:49:30,985
this to all the, you know, people listening.

1414
00:49:32,900 --> 00:49:34,739
There is a way. You can you can

1415
00:49:34,739 --> 00:49:36,519
be with somebody who's made mistakes,

1416
00:49:37,219 --> 00:49:38,739
and you can find a way forward.

1417
00:49:39,219 --> 00:49:40,900
Dani, if people are gonna get a hold

1418
00:49:40,900 --> 00:49:43,140
of you, how do they find you? Do

1419
00:49:43,140 --> 00:49:45,780
you work with men, women, couples? Talk to

1420
00:49:45,780 --> 00:49:47,140
us a bit about where we can find

1421
00:49:47,140 --> 00:49:48,315
you and who you work with.

1422
00:49:49,355 --> 00:49:51,275
So it's easy to find me. It's my

1423
00:49:51,275 --> 00:49:54,635
name, danny m peterson dot com, and that's

1424
00:49:54,635 --> 00:49:56,795
how you can find me on social media

1425
00:49:56,795 --> 00:49:57,454
as well.

1426
00:49:57,835 --> 00:49:59,454
And I do free consultations.

1427
00:50:00,554 --> 00:50:03,059
I work with the partners, mostly the women,

1428
00:50:03,059 --> 00:50:06,340
just helping them kind of reestablish safety and

1429
00:50:06,340 --> 00:50:06,840
security

1430
00:50:07,300 --> 00:50:09,800
and be able to find their voice again

1431
00:50:10,019 --> 00:50:12,280
and be able to, stand up for themselves,

1432
00:50:12,340 --> 00:50:15,860
be self advocate, and, practice self agency and

1433
00:50:15,860 --> 00:50:17,974
all of that. And I do work with

1434
00:50:17,974 --> 00:50:19,735
the couples too when they get to that

1435
00:50:19,735 --> 00:50:20,235
stage.

1436
00:50:20,614 --> 00:50:23,175
I don't specialize in the compulsive behaviors and

1437
00:50:23,175 --> 00:50:25,675
addiction side, but I sometimes help them through

1438
00:50:25,974 --> 00:50:26,635
the discover,

1439
00:50:27,575 --> 00:50:28,875
the disclosure piece,

1440
00:50:29,589 --> 00:50:31,589
because there's, like, this whole community that comes

1441
00:50:31,589 --> 00:50:33,750
together. So I'm working with the therapist, and

1442
00:50:33,750 --> 00:50:35,750
then sometimes I do personally like to meet

1443
00:50:35,750 --> 00:50:37,670
with the husband because I want him to

1444
00:50:37,670 --> 00:50:40,150
know, like, look, I'm I'm on your guys'

1445
00:50:40,150 --> 00:50:42,070
team. Mhmm. I'm not just in her camp,

1446
00:50:42,070 --> 00:50:44,385
and you're the bad guy. I want him

1447
00:50:44,385 --> 00:50:46,385
to know that, like, I really wanna see

1448
00:50:46,385 --> 00:50:48,785
you guys do well. Mhmm. And, you know,

1449
00:50:48,785 --> 00:50:50,864
I preview a lot of the things for

1450
00:50:50,864 --> 00:50:53,744
them from a partner standpoint. Like, yeah, this

1451
00:50:53,744 --> 00:50:55,664
sounds a little gaslight y and, you know,

1452
00:50:55,664 --> 00:50:57,265
if you can just own this piece. And

1453
00:50:57,265 --> 00:50:58,965
that was the other thing is just own.

1454
00:50:59,059 --> 00:51:01,460
Yeah. I've been a total a hole. You're

1455
00:51:01,460 --> 00:51:03,460
right. I have done that. Like, if just

1456
00:51:03,460 --> 00:51:06,179
even owning it Right. Will actually calm someone's

1457
00:51:06,179 --> 00:51:07,000
nervous system.

1458
00:51:07,380 --> 00:51:09,380
Right. Oh, yeah. And it's a lot easier

1459
00:51:09,380 --> 00:51:12,099
to do that in a therapeutic container. Yeah.

1460
00:51:12,099 --> 00:51:14,204
It is. It is. Absolutely. You're right. You

1461
00:51:14,204 --> 00:51:15,484
said too. She's like, I feel like I'm

1462
00:51:15,484 --> 00:51:17,644
acting crazy. Right. I've done it. And it's

1463
00:51:17,644 --> 00:51:19,484
like, I am acting crazy, and I can

1464
00:51:19,484 --> 00:51:21,664
only imagine what it's like to view this.

1465
00:51:21,885 --> 00:51:24,204
And so I kinda work with the couples

1466
00:51:24,204 --> 00:51:24,944
on just

1467
00:51:27,699 --> 00:51:28,679
being a we,

1468
00:51:29,059 --> 00:51:30,199
working on The Us,

1469
00:51:30,500 --> 00:51:31,000
reestablishing

1470
00:51:31,539 --> 00:51:32,599
new ground rules.

1471
00:51:33,139 --> 00:51:35,059
I hate using the word rules, but, like,

1472
00:51:35,059 --> 00:51:37,319
you know Mhmm. Healthy boundaries. Engagement.

1473
00:51:38,019 --> 00:51:39,619
Like, how are we going to engage and

1474
00:51:39,619 --> 00:51:40,359
stay connected?

1475
00:51:40,784 --> 00:51:42,085
Because all of this

1476
00:51:42,464 --> 00:51:44,964
comes down to a disconnect in relationship.

1477
00:51:45,905 --> 00:51:47,364
And how do we reestablish

1478
00:51:48,065 --> 00:51:48,565
connection?

1479
00:51:48,864 --> 00:51:50,784
And how do we do it safely and

1480
00:51:50,784 --> 00:51:51,284
soundly

1481
00:51:51,905 --> 00:51:54,885
and in a way that remember shared humanity?

1482
00:51:55,920 --> 00:51:57,599
That was one of the things, and believe

1483
00:51:57,599 --> 00:51:59,440
me, I could have said a lot of

1484
00:51:59,440 --> 00:52:01,460
horrible things about my first husband,

1485
00:52:01,839 --> 00:52:03,519
but it was also the father of my

1486
00:52:03,519 --> 00:52:04,019
kids.

1487
00:52:04,400 --> 00:52:06,559
Yeah. True that. And so I had to

1488
00:52:06,559 --> 00:52:08,659
realize too, and I'm a faith based practitioner

1489
00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:09,539
as well,

1490
00:52:09,945 --> 00:52:13,164
I I don't believe that God makes horrible

1491
00:52:13,224 --> 00:52:13,724
people.

1492
00:52:14,025 --> 00:52:16,265
And so I I come from that standpoint

1493
00:52:16,265 --> 00:52:17,625
too. Yeah. So there's a way to get

1494
00:52:17,625 --> 00:52:19,785
back. There's something pure to get back to.

1495
00:52:19,785 --> 00:52:20,925
Yeah. And I work holistically

1496
00:52:21,224 --> 00:52:23,489
as well. So I'm a coach and holistic

1497
00:52:23,489 --> 00:52:25,329
practitioner. And free consults, you said, as well?

1498
00:52:25,329 --> 00:52:27,650
Free the oh, that's awesome. So, yeah, that's

1499
00:52:27,809 --> 00:52:29,090
I'll put the link to that in the

1500
00:52:29,090 --> 00:52:31,329
show notes for those that wanna take advantage

1501
00:52:31,329 --> 00:52:32,769
of that. Now we get to meet Dani

1502
00:52:32,769 --> 00:52:34,289
before you guys get to trust her with

1503
00:52:34,289 --> 00:52:36,130
the most important thing. Well, Dani, this was

1504
00:52:36,130 --> 00:52:37,889
so great. I appreciate you coming on. This

1505
00:52:37,889 --> 00:52:39,875
was wonderful. Thank you for help sharing all

1506
00:52:39,875 --> 00:52:41,394
your knowledge with the audience. Yeah. Thank you

1507
00:52:41,394 --> 00:52:42,375
for having me.

1508
00:52:42,835 --> 00:52:44,914
Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

1509
00:52:44,914 --> 00:52:46,675
are a high achiever with a sex addiction

1510
00:52:46,675 --> 00:52:48,434
and you're looking for a recovery group full

1511
00:52:48,434 --> 00:52:51,579
of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

1512
00:52:51,579 --> 00:52:54,380
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

1513
00:52:54,380 --> 00:52:55,599
using four day retreats,

1514
00:52:55,980 --> 00:52:58,719
weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

1515
00:52:58,780 --> 00:53:01,019
If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

1516
00:53:01,019 --> 00:53:02,940
save your marriage, go to our website and

1517
00:53:02,940 --> 00:53:03,839
fill out our application.

1518
00:53:04,219 --> 00:53:06,824
If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

1519
00:53:06,905 --> 00:53:08,264
along to a friend in recovery who would

1520
00:53:08,264 --> 00:53:10,264
benefit from listening. It is my mission to

1521
00:53:10,264 --> 00:53:11,945
get this information out to as many high

1522
00:53:11,945 --> 00:53:14,264
achievers as possible, and I can't do it

1523
00:53:14,264 --> 00:53:15,244
without your help.