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Addict

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or asshole?

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles

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specifically to the mindset of the high achiever.

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I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The

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Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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more information about joining our group or attending

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our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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There's this debate in the sex addiction field.

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You know, a lot of it's driven by

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the betrayed partners. Right? Is my husband a

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sex addict or is he an asshole?

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And,

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I'm gonna kinda clear up those two definitions

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for those who haven't really heard this argument.

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Right? So, you know, there's an addict. Right?

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Somebody who has become chemically addicted

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to, you know, in the case of sex

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and pornography,

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chemically addicted to dopamine. Right? So they are

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addicted

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to the dopamine that comes from sexually acting

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out. And then there's the asshole. Right? And

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the philosophy of the asshole is that he

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is,

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entitled to getting his sexual needs met however

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he wants to get them met. Right? That

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he is, he's just gonna go and do

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these things. He's gonna hide them from his

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partner. He's gonna lie to his partner,

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and he feels, you know, the right to

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do this. Right? So that would be what

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people would call an asshole.

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Okay. Well, I'm gonna introduce kind of a

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a third option here. Now I wanna clear

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this up by saying I'm not anti sex

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addict. There are definitely men who are chemically

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addicted to the dopamine from sex and pornography.

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And then I'm also not anti asshole. There

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are assholes out there who just act like

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assholes. Okay? So I'm not saying that that

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you're not gonna find one of the two

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of those, but I wanna introduce a third

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option. But let's kinda like walk through all

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three here. First, let's talk about a sex

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addict. Right? How do you know you're an

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addict? How do you know your husband's an

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addict?

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So a sex addict would be some again,

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by definition, somebody who's become chemically dependent, addicted

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to

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dopamine from, sexually acting out. So this would

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be,

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dopamine is responsible. It's not pleasure. A lot

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of people don't know that. It actually it

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does not provide us pleasure. Dopamine is for

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focus and motivation.

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So when somebody

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uses something,

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dopaminergic,

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their focus and motivation goes on it. Right?

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So if there is a, you know, important

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work project that you're trying to complete,

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you'll dopamine will be released for you to

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be motivated and focused to complete the project.

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So dopamine itself isn't isn't bad. And if

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you actually don't have it, you have Parkinson's.

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That's what Parkinson's

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is. You know? So we need dopamine. We

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need no dopamine to live.

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However, dopamine, because it's responsible for focus and

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motivation,

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what the brain can sometimes figure out is

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it will engage in this in this certain

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practice or behavior,

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and it'll get dopamine, and it will capture

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their focus and motivation. So what's that do?

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It pulls it off of other things. It

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takes your attention away

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from everything else. And the more dopaminergic

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the thing is,

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the more your brain's gonna become captivated by

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it. And again, why why do people get

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addicted to these things that release dopamine? Well,

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if if they don't like

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the things around them, they don't like the

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feelings, the thoughts, they don't like the deadlines,

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they don't like the stress, whatever it is,

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If they don't like the negativity, the negative

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emotions or thoughts or feelings,

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they'll do something dopaminergic. And during that time

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that they're doing it, the negative thoughts and

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feelings are gone. Right? Because if this thing's

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really dopaminergic, such as sex and pornography, because

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sex is so captivating, you know,

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it activates

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us because it is a biological need and

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a biological desire,

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you know, for reproduction. It captivates, you know,

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parts of our body that, you know, very

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few things do. Right? So it's very dopaminergic

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to,

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you know, to

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engage in in sexual acting out. So it

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it hijacks all your your brain's focus and

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motivation and pulls it all the way to

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the sexual acting out. So it's very, very,

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very effective.

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Now, again, so that would that would be

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a sex addict, a porn addict. So this

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would be somebody who's truly addicted to it.

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Right? So when they are in need of

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dopamine, in need for an escape. Right? Because

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that's kind of the hallmark of, a dopaminergic

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practice is it's escaping

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your life. It's escaping these emotions. It's escaping

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the stressors. It's it's this it's this escape,

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this release. Right?

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I don't like my life. I don't like

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my job. I don't like,

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who I am. I don't like the way

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I look. Right? It's all all this, like,

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negativity.

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It's a way to kinda get away from

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that. Now,

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the

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on this topic, though,

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I don't think

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all men are sex addicts and porn addicts.

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In fact, I actually think it's less

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men than than more men. I really do.

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I don't I I again, we don't have

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studies to yet to prove what's driving these

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men, their their unwanted sexual behavior.

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But again, I I, there are men who

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do hate,

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their life themselves,

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their the way they look,

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their their marriage, their job, whatever, and then

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they want to escape their life. But there's

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also men who, who who really love their

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job. They love their careers. They love who

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they are. They love themselves.

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They don't have a lot of this,

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like, emotional

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unregulation.

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And so they're not necessarily

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using sex and pornography to emotionally regulate.

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Again, so so, you know, another way that

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I would say, you know, to kind of

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challenge the whole addict asshole thing is, you

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know, of a guy who's had, like, three,

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you know, one affair and two one night

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stands over the past, like, two years.

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Is he an addict? It's kinda like saying,

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the person who drinks, you know, who has,

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you know, drinks to drunkenness

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at weddings and, you know, goes out with

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their friends and and drinks to, you know,

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kind of dance, have a good time. You

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know, is that person an alcoholic?

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You know, because, you know, one time a

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month or two times a month, they're they're

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drinking to to drunkenness and and and having

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fun with their friends. Is that person an

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alcoholic?

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The the definitions that I have seen from

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alcoholism,

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that actually doesn't meet that definition

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necessarily. Right? So so like that, are we

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are we making men sex addicts, porn addicts

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who are not addicts?

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And again, it's not semantics. It's you know,

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a lot of people are like, oh, why

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does it matter what we call it? Well,

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it does though because it affects the treatment.

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You know, the the bulk of the treatment

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in the sex and porn addiction space, because

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we've chosen to call it sex and porn

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addiction, the bulk of the treatment,

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strategies are addiction treatment strategies.

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And so for the man who's truly addicted

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to pornography and sex,

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you know, if he's really addicted, he can't

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stop, he's addicted to it,

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then, yes, those treatments would work. And we

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actually do see that. You know, for me

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personally, about, I don't know, twenty percent of

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my compulsive behaviors,

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unwanted behaviors

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came from addiction

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to sex sex and pornography. So when I

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got into treatment,

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twenty percent of my acting out behaviors did

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actually go, you know, go away. They did

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reduce with those treatments. But, again,

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eighty percent of them stayed there.

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And that you know, and it was frustrating

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me. It was frustrating my wife, but that's

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because it's not just an addiction. Some guys

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might not have an addiction at all. So

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then are the treatments gonna be effective whatsoever?

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So let's let's kind of pop over to

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the asshole.

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Now,

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you know, the the asshole. Right? This is

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a man who's getting his his sexual needs

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met outside of the marriage. He's not necessarily

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addicted. He can kinda stop. You know, if

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you told him to stop and force him

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to stop, he could stop.

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So again, he's not an addict. And this

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is a lot of the guys in my

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in my groups. You know? I would say

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two guys in each group actually have some

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addictive, dopaminergic,

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addictive,

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trends to their behavior. But a lot of

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the guys in my groups, you know, once

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they got caught, they got sober. They got

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sober quick. And then acting out again really,

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really wasn't that it wasn't that hard for

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them to stop acting out. You know, it

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it it wasn't like this challenge. And again,

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it was it's because they weren't addicted. Right?

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So then, again, that that begs the question.

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So then Roland, they're just assholes. Well, I

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don't know about that. Now kinda hear me

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out here.

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An asshole to me would be somebody who

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truly just doesn't care about any but anybody

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but themselves. They're just gonna kinda do whatever.

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They they they just want pleasure now and,

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they don't really care about what the consequences

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are. They're just gonna kinda do the thing,

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and they're kinda this way in a lot

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of areas of their life. They just don't

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really care. You know? Is is the person

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a narcissist? I don't I don't know if

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we necessarily need to call them that, but,

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you know, they they just don't have a

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lot of consideration for other people and the

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ramification of their actions. So, okay, you could

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call that person an asshole, I suppose. But

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let's look at this from a little bit

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of a deeper a bigger perspective here.

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A lot of the guys in my groups

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then would fall into that category of asshole,

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myself included.

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And,

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I don't know if that's a great word

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to call them. I mean, these men, when

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they come into my groups, they are in

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tears at least somebody's in tears every week,

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over what they have done to their wives.

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I mean, these men are these men regret

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their actions. A lot of them are ashamed.

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A lot of them never told anyone, not

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even their best friends, about what they were

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doing. They hid this from everyone. There was

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00:09:09,839 --> 00:09:11,839
so much shame. They knew that this would

267
00:09:11,839 --> 00:09:14,159
destroy their reputations. This would destroy their marriage,

268
00:09:14,159 --> 00:09:15,225
destroy their relationships.

269
00:09:15,644 --> 00:09:16,804
You know, if their kids found out, their

270
00:09:16,804 --> 00:09:18,404
kids would lose all respect for them. They

271
00:09:18,404 --> 00:09:20,004
may never speak to them again. Right? So

272
00:09:20,004 --> 00:09:22,164
these men were aware of that, and then

273
00:09:22,164 --> 00:09:23,065
they did it anyways.

274
00:09:23,445 --> 00:09:25,284
Right? And this and this kind of rings

275
00:09:25,284 --> 00:09:27,445
true with compulsivity. Right? If you look at,

276
00:09:27,445 --> 00:09:28,345
you know, compulsivity,

277
00:09:29,419 --> 00:09:31,039
the people somebody who's compulsive

278
00:09:31,419 --> 00:09:33,980
isn't chemically addicted per se, but they do

279
00:09:33,980 --> 00:09:36,139
things that are against their morals and values.

280
00:09:36,139 --> 00:09:37,820
And they know they are, but they can't

281
00:09:37,820 --> 00:09:39,820
help it. They end up doing it. But

282
00:09:39,820 --> 00:09:41,504
again, they're not addicted in the sense that

283
00:09:41,504 --> 00:09:43,825
they aren't chemically dependent on it. Now again,

284
00:09:43,825 --> 00:09:45,585
why does that matter? Because the treatments are

285
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,904
different. The treatments are different for somebody who's

286
00:09:47,904 --> 00:09:50,545
addicted versus somebody who's not. Okay? It was

287
00:09:50,545 --> 00:09:52,225
just me a bit of a different treatment

288
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:55,149
approach there. So, to but to expand on

289
00:09:55,149 --> 00:09:55,649
this,

290
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,129
if we look at these men who are

291
00:09:58,190 --> 00:09:58,690
assholes,

292
00:09:59,389 --> 00:10:01,090
the the problem is,

293
00:10:01,950 --> 00:10:03,549
why are they doing this behavior and why

294
00:10:03,549 --> 00:10:05,629
can't they and why can't they stop themselves

295
00:10:05,629 --> 00:10:06,990
even though they know they don't wanna do

296
00:10:06,990 --> 00:10:08,855
it? You know, it's usually not until they

297
00:10:08,855 --> 00:10:10,774
get caught when they when they finally say,

298
00:10:10,774 --> 00:10:12,394
okay. Crap. I can't do this anymore.

299
00:10:13,175 --> 00:10:15,195
Well, because they see value

300
00:10:15,654 --> 00:10:16,554
in the behavior.

301
00:10:17,014 --> 00:10:18,774
So in the case of, you know, an

302
00:10:18,774 --> 00:10:20,075
affair or flirting,

303
00:10:21,049 --> 00:10:23,129
you know, they're getting this they're getting this

304
00:10:23,129 --> 00:10:24,970
exchange from this individual. You know, for a

305
00:10:24,970 --> 00:10:26,889
lot of the guys in my group groups

306
00:10:26,889 --> 00:10:28,589
and myself, you know, it's a lot of

307
00:10:28,649 --> 00:10:31,690
attention, validation. Right? They they want to feel

308
00:10:31,690 --> 00:10:33,769
special. They wanna feel chosen. They wanna feel

309
00:10:33,769 --> 00:10:36,105
lusted after. They want, you know, men to

310
00:10:36,105 --> 00:10:37,785
envy them. They want women to wanna be

311
00:10:37,785 --> 00:10:40,285
with them. Right? So it's it's a process

312
00:10:40,425 --> 00:10:42,425
that they really have become compulsive around to

313
00:10:42,425 --> 00:10:44,985
where they're chasing these these narratives, these these

314
00:10:44,985 --> 00:10:47,304
these brain stories. And so they're trying to

315
00:10:47,304 --> 00:10:49,679
get that met however they however they can.

316
00:10:49,839 --> 00:10:51,120
You know, the truth is a lot of

317
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,759
their compulsivity actually shows up not sexually. It

318
00:10:53,759 --> 00:10:54,740
also shows up,

319
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,440
at work with trying to win awards, win

320
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:58,179
big contracts,

321
00:10:58,639 --> 00:11:00,480
become number one in their company. Right? So

322
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,220
again, they're chasing these stories of feeling wanted,

323
00:11:03,279 --> 00:11:03,779
lusted

324
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:04,740
after,

325
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:06,304
chosen, special,

326
00:11:07,324 --> 00:11:08,544
whatever their particular,

327
00:11:08,924 --> 00:11:11,725
process is they're chasing. So again, are they

328
00:11:11,725 --> 00:11:13,725
an asshole because they're chasing those things? Again,

329
00:11:13,725 --> 00:11:15,324
I think that's kind of up to you

330
00:11:15,324 --> 00:11:16,064
to decide.

331
00:11:17,179 --> 00:11:17,839
I actually

332
00:11:18,139 --> 00:11:20,299
I don't I don't think that that chasing

333
00:11:20,299 --> 00:11:22,299
those things makes them an asshole, and here's

334
00:11:22,299 --> 00:11:22,799
why.

335
00:11:23,259 --> 00:11:24,959
I think high achieving men,

336
00:11:25,740 --> 00:11:27,339
you know, one of their greatest gifts is

337
00:11:27,339 --> 00:11:29,019
that they are a shape shifter. They are

338
00:11:29,019 --> 00:11:31,815
chameleons. They they can read people and then

339
00:11:31,815 --> 00:11:33,894
they can become whoever they need to become

340
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,535
to please that person, to win their trust,

341
00:11:36,535 --> 00:11:37,674
to win their,

342
00:11:38,215 --> 00:11:40,294
their their friendship, whatever it is. They're very,

343
00:11:40,294 --> 00:11:41,415
very good at that, and that is why

344
00:11:41,415 --> 00:11:43,889
these men are typically really good in business

345
00:11:43,889 --> 00:11:45,970
is they can shape shift and become whatever

346
00:11:45,970 --> 00:11:47,490
they need to become to get the desired

347
00:11:47,490 --> 00:11:49,649
result. Right? And that's great for business. The

348
00:11:49,649 --> 00:11:50,549
challenge is

349
00:11:51,089 --> 00:11:54,049
every time we do that, we are we

350
00:11:54,049 --> 00:11:57,089
are at times, potentially, violating our morals and

351
00:11:57,089 --> 00:11:59,925
values. Right? So if if we shift into

352
00:12:00,144 --> 00:12:02,625
a chameleon and shape shift into a guy

353
00:12:02,625 --> 00:12:04,865
who can impress others. Right? And his objective

354
00:12:04,865 --> 00:12:07,345
is, again, to make as many men jealous

355
00:12:07,345 --> 00:12:09,105
of him and make as many women wish

356
00:12:09,105 --> 00:12:10,540
that they could be with him. If that's

357
00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:12,700
truly his objective in that moment, when he

358
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:14,540
shape shifts into that guy, he's gonna start

359
00:12:14,540 --> 00:12:16,940
acting like that guy. And part of that

360
00:12:16,940 --> 00:12:18,879
recipe could be flirting,

361
00:12:19,660 --> 00:12:23,335
could be courting and and pursuing these women,

362
00:12:23,634 --> 00:12:27,154
and maybe eventually, potentially sleeping with with one

363
00:12:27,154 --> 00:12:28,995
of them or some of them. Okay? And

364
00:12:28,995 --> 00:12:32,274
so, again, the motive though was to be

365
00:12:32,274 --> 00:12:34,514
seen as this guy who has no limits,

366
00:12:34,514 --> 00:12:36,035
this guy who can get any woman that

367
00:12:36,035 --> 00:12:37,415
he wants, this guy who,

368
00:12:37,870 --> 00:12:40,269
you know, really lives up to the men

369
00:12:40,269 --> 00:12:42,110
we see on TV. Right? The music videos

370
00:12:42,110 --> 00:12:44,289
we see on TV of the successful men,

371
00:12:44,669 --> 00:12:47,250
being lusted after and wanted and having everybody

372
00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,870
kind of admire him and, wish they could

373
00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:51,470
be around him, wish they could date him,

374
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:53,154
wish they could sleep with him. So, you

375
00:12:53,154 --> 00:12:55,235
know, again, I I I don't necessarily call

376
00:12:55,235 --> 00:12:57,715
these men assholes. What I think is, you

377
00:12:57,715 --> 00:12:59,654
know, if you're gonna call these guys assholes,

378
00:12:59,715 --> 00:13:02,274
that's fine. But where are they getting this

379
00:13:02,274 --> 00:13:02,774
data?

380
00:13:03,955 --> 00:13:06,295
Where did they get the desire to

381
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,919
make every guy envious of them? Where did

382
00:13:08,919 --> 00:13:10,629
they get the desire to have all these,

383
00:13:10,799 --> 00:13:13,799
you know, attractive women lust after them and

384
00:13:13,799 --> 00:13:15,799
and want where did they get this? They

385
00:13:15,799 --> 00:13:17,639
got it from television. They got it from

386
00:13:17,639 --> 00:13:19,000
movies. They got it from,

387
00:13:19,559 --> 00:13:21,559
from their from their peers, from upper class

388
00:13:21,559 --> 00:13:23,044
men or or men they admired.

389
00:13:23,345 --> 00:13:25,024
You know, I always say the higher you

390
00:13:25,024 --> 00:13:26,544
climb a lot of bit a lot of

391
00:13:26,544 --> 00:13:28,625
industries, when you get up into the upper

392
00:13:28,625 --> 00:13:30,004
categories of of industries,

393
00:13:30,705 --> 00:13:32,304
I've been I've been in the in the

394
00:13:32,304 --> 00:13:34,625
upper tier of six different industries. In every

395
00:13:34,625 --> 00:13:36,565
single one of them, the higher you climb,

396
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,620
the less faithful the men become.

397
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,399
And, you know, there's something there. You know?

398
00:13:41,399 --> 00:13:43,720
And again, I just I don't believe it's

399
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,259
because they are assholes.

400
00:13:45,639 --> 00:13:47,799
I believe that, you know, we're seeing this

401
00:13:47,799 --> 00:13:50,139
amongst so many men in those upper tiers.

402
00:13:50,199 --> 00:13:53,235
There's something going on amongst successful male culture,

403
00:13:53,695 --> 00:13:54,195
primarily

404
00:13:54,735 --> 00:13:57,475
in America. Right? There's this overemphasis on,

405
00:13:58,014 --> 00:14:00,254
becoming the best, the best you can be.

406
00:14:00,254 --> 00:14:02,014
And unfortunately, a lot of that has to

407
00:14:02,014 --> 00:14:04,574
do with how many attractive women can you

408
00:14:04,574 --> 00:14:06,574
sleep with? How many women how many women

409
00:14:06,574 --> 00:14:08,470
want you? Right? How many options do you

410
00:14:08,470 --> 00:14:10,149
have is is kind of how the the

411
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:12,710
the most successful men men are being portrayed

412
00:14:12,710 --> 00:14:13,370
on television.

413
00:14:13,670 --> 00:14:16,170
So this third option that I want to

414
00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:20,090
inject into this rather than asshole or addict

415
00:14:20,554 --> 00:14:23,454
is the concept that this person is,

416
00:14:24,554 --> 00:14:25,054
misinformed,

417
00:14:25,674 --> 00:14:26,174
insecure,

418
00:14:26,714 --> 00:14:28,495
and has lost their sense of self.

419
00:14:28,875 --> 00:14:30,875
And they are just desperate to matter. They're

420
00:14:30,875 --> 00:14:33,754
desperate to to be significant. They're desperate to,

421
00:14:33,754 --> 00:14:34,940
you know, whatever

422
00:14:35,399 --> 00:14:36,840
society you know, because because think about it.

423
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,279
That's what a high achiever is. Right? A

424
00:14:38,279 --> 00:14:40,679
high achiever is somebody who achieves achieves hard

425
00:14:40,679 --> 00:14:42,679
things. Well, how does a high achiever know

426
00:14:42,679 --> 00:14:44,759
what to achieve? They look around and they

427
00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:47,240
say, what does my country what what do

428
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:48,540
people here consider

429
00:14:48,934 --> 00:14:51,595
hard to achieve, hard to accomplish? Well, predominantly,

430
00:14:51,815 --> 00:14:55,134
it's money and sleeping with extremely attractive, you

431
00:14:55,134 --> 00:14:57,574
know, you know, considered, hard to sleep with

432
00:14:57,574 --> 00:14:59,574
women. Right? So then the more money you

433
00:14:59,574 --> 00:15:01,574
get because it's hard to get, as society

434
00:15:01,574 --> 00:15:02,940
has said, and then the more women you

435
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:04,539
can sleep with because they're hard to sleep

436
00:15:04,539 --> 00:15:05,039
with,

437
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,279
you must be this accomplished

438
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:10,000
high achiever. Right? And so to me,

439
00:15:10,459 --> 00:15:12,139
when we lose our sense of self and

440
00:15:12,139 --> 00:15:13,419
we start to try to matter and we

441
00:15:13,419 --> 00:15:16,644
start relying on the influences around us, the

442
00:15:16,644 --> 00:15:18,644
the the definitions of society, the things we

443
00:15:18,644 --> 00:15:20,404
see on TV, the, you know, what we

444
00:15:20,404 --> 00:15:22,325
what we feel like people in the world

445
00:15:22,325 --> 00:15:23,625
care about and value,

446
00:15:24,164 --> 00:15:25,764
which is money and sex, just is. Like,

447
00:15:25,764 --> 00:15:27,044
that's just kind of the world we live

448
00:15:27,044 --> 00:15:27,720
in right now.

449
00:15:28,199 --> 00:15:29,879
You know, these men are more of a

450
00:15:29,879 --> 00:15:30,379
byproduct

451
00:15:30,919 --> 00:15:32,839
of of the world around them. I I

452
00:15:32,839 --> 00:15:34,679
don't think asshole is the right word. What

453
00:15:34,679 --> 00:15:35,899
I would describe is,

454
00:15:36,919 --> 00:15:37,419
sad,

455
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:38,620
insecure,

456
00:15:39,894 --> 00:15:40,394
lost.

457
00:15:40,855 --> 00:15:43,014
That's how I would describe myself in these

458
00:15:43,014 --> 00:15:44,095
men. You know, I think when we did

459
00:15:44,095 --> 00:15:45,575
a lot of things that we did, you

460
00:15:45,575 --> 00:15:47,495
know, the motive was not to be bad.

461
00:15:47,495 --> 00:15:49,095
The motive was not to do bad things.

462
00:15:49,095 --> 00:15:50,695
And motive was not to hurt ourselves, and

463
00:15:50,695 --> 00:15:52,855
it certainly wasn't to hurt our life partner

464
00:15:52,855 --> 00:15:54,615
and the person that we love most. At

465
00:15:54,615 --> 00:15:55,679
least it wasn't for me.

466
00:15:56,799 --> 00:15:59,120
My motive was to matter, was to be

467
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:00,080
somebody. And,

468
00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:02,159
I was led to believe that it didn't

469
00:16:02,159 --> 00:16:03,519
matter. I was led to believe that I

470
00:16:03,519 --> 00:16:05,440
needed to be better and better and better

471
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,320
every day. And that was what the culture

472
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,159
kinda told me. The most impressive guy in

473
00:16:10,159 --> 00:16:11,539
the room is the guy who's accomplished

474
00:16:11,975 --> 00:16:13,435
the most. And, you know, unfortunately,

475
00:16:13,815 --> 00:16:15,495
as the world has evolved, a lot of

476
00:16:15,495 --> 00:16:16,935
that has to do with how much how

477
00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,455
how big is your house, how nice how

478
00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:20,375
nice is your car, how hot is your

479
00:16:20,375 --> 00:16:21,975
wife, and how much money you got. I

480
00:16:21,975 --> 00:16:23,575
mean, that's just really kind of how we've

481
00:16:23,575 --> 00:16:24,075
defined

482
00:16:24,695 --> 00:16:26,535
success, which is really sad because none of

483
00:16:26,535 --> 00:16:29,100
those things actually really matter. In fact, pursuing

484
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:31,899
those things usually results in the destruction of

485
00:16:31,899 --> 00:16:34,139
your life and a lot less happiness than

486
00:16:34,139 --> 00:16:35,899
it does in more happiness. So I say

487
00:16:35,899 --> 00:16:36,960
all this to say,

488
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:38,879
addict, asshole,

489
00:16:39,980 --> 00:16:41,200
again, you know,

490
00:16:41,694 --> 00:16:43,694
the challenge that I have with this debate

491
00:16:43,694 --> 00:16:44,194
is

492
00:16:45,214 --> 00:16:47,615
guys don't wanna be assholes, so they force

493
00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:50,095
themselves to be addicts. Right? Because it's like,

494
00:16:50,095 --> 00:16:51,375
oh, man. If I'm just an asshole, my

495
00:16:51,375 --> 00:16:53,294
wife's gonna leave me. If I'm just an

496
00:16:53,294 --> 00:16:55,615
asshole, I I can't get treatment because I'm

497
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,559
an asshole. Right? So there's there's no addiction

498
00:16:57,620 --> 00:16:59,379
treatment to get. And again, I think I

499
00:16:59,379 --> 00:17:01,139
think the problem with having those be the

500
00:17:01,139 --> 00:17:03,000
only two options on the table is

501
00:17:03,460 --> 00:17:05,460
they have to be addicts, and therefore, they

502
00:17:05,460 --> 00:17:07,859
may go get treated like addicts and pretend

503
00:17:07,859 --> 00:17:08,680
to be addicts.

504
00:17:09,365 --> 00:17:10,965
But what if they're not addicts? Now they're

505
00:17:10,965 --> 00:17:11,865
not getting treated.

506
00:17:12,325 --> 00:17:13,845
And I think I personally believe this is

507
00:17:13,845 --> 00:17:16,005
why we see the the recovery rate so

508
00:17:16,005 --> 00:17:17,945
low at thirty four percent and the relapse

509
00:17:18,005 --> 00:17:20,244
rate so high at, you know,

510
00:17:21,285 --> 00:17:21,539
you know,

511
00:17:22,180 --> 00:17:24,820
over almost seventy percent. And the reason we

512
00:17:24,820 --> 00:17:27,700
see this is I believe men are not

513
00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:28,200
necessarily

514
00:17:28,740 --> 00:17:29,720
all addicts.

515
00:17:30,420 --> 00:17:31,700
I don't I think some of them might

516
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:32,900
have a little bit of an addict into

517
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:34,454
them, maybe some more than others. But I

518
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,294
think when we treat them like addicts and

519
00:17:36,294 --> 00:17:38,214
they just get addiction treatment and the focus

520
00:17:38,214 --> 00:17:40,294
is just on sex and porn being used

521
00:17:40,294 --> 00:17:41,595
to emotionally regulate,

522
00:17:42,534 --> 00:17:44,134
you know, I think we're missing the mark

523
00:17:44,134 --> 00:17:45,434
here. I think we're missing,

524
00:17:46,134 --> 00:17:49,174
men using women to enhance their self worth,

525
00:17:49,174 --> 00:17:52,769
men men fishing for compliments, validation, attention,

526
00:17:53,389 --> 00:17:54,369
to feel superior,

527
00:17:54,829 --> 00:17:57,089
to feel like they matter, to impress others.

528
00:17:57,149 --> 00:17:58,669
You know, I think, you know, that's not

529
00:17:58,669 --> 00:18:01,250
addiction. That's just called faulty brain processes

530
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:04,109
that these men adopted that they need to

531
00:18:04,109 --> 00:18:05,409
change. So again,

532
00:18:06,644 --> 00:18:08,244
why does this matter? Because I think if

533
00:18:08,244 --> 00:18:10,244
men are just getting addiction treatment and they're

534
00:18:10,244 --> 00:18:10,984
not addicts,

535
00:18:11,684 --> 00:18:13,684
I don't think they're gonna get the results

536
00:18:13,684 --> 00:18:15,365
that they want. I don't think their spouses

537
00:18:15,365 --> 00:18:17,225
are gonna see the recovery that they want.

538
00:18:17,285 --> 00:18:18,565
Right? So I think we do need to

539
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,644
examine all of the things, all of the

540
00:18:20,644 --> 00:18:22,559
things that have entered our brain over the

541
00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:23,059
years,

542
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,759
and start assessing, you know, how much of

543
00:18:25,759 --> 00:18:28,960
this is contributing to my compulsive behavior and

544
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,779
my desperation to basically compromise my values

545
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,720
so that I can get these, little little

546
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,500
hits of attention, validation,

547
00:18:36,894 --> 00:18:37,795
superiority, accomplishment,

548
00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:40,335
you know, whatever it is that you've become

549
00:18:40,335 --> 00:18:42,115
compulsive around. So again,

550
00:18:42,734 --> 00:18:44,095
I don't know if asshole is the right

551
00:18:44,095 --> 00:18:45,554
word. I think, insecure.

552
00:18:45,934 --> 00:18:46,494
I think,

553
00:18:46,894 --> 00:18:49,490
unsure. I think lost. I think

554
00:18:49,950 --> 00:18:52,190
feeling behind. I think feeling inadequate, like you're

555
00:18:52,190 --> 00:18:53,789
not enough yet. You know, I think there's

556
00:18:53,789 --> 00:18:55,089
a lot of other things

557
00:18:55,549 --> 00:18:58,109
that describe these men better that make them

558
00:18:58,109 --> 00:19:00,430
act the way that they act. Again, I

559
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:02,264
think I think asshole is a little harsh,

560
00:19:02,264 --> 00:19:03,784
and I think it's gonna actually harm their

561
00:19:03,784 --> 00:19:05,464
recovery if we only pin them in these

562
00:19:05,464 --> 00:19:06,845
two options, addict arrest.

563
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:10,264
Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

564
00:19:10,264 --> 00:19:12,024
are a high achiever with a sex addiction

565
00:19:12,024 --> 00:19:13,784
and you're looking for a recovery group full

566
00:19:13,784 --> 00:19:16,929
of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

567
00:19:16,929 --> 00:19:19,730
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

568
00:19:19,730 --> 00:19:21,029
using four day retreats,

569
00:19:21,329 --> 00:19:24,150
weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

570
00:19:24,210 --> 00:19:26,369
If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

571
00:19:26,369 --> 00:19:28,304
save your marriage, go to our website and

572
00:19:28,304 --> 00:19:30,544
fill out our application. If you enjoyed this

573
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:32,785
episode, please pass it along to a friend

574
00:19:32,785 --> 00:19:34,785
in recovery who would benefit from listening. It

575
00:19:34,785 --> 00:19:36,544
is my mission to get this information out

576
00:19:36,544 --> 00:19:39,025
to as many high achievers as possible, and

577
00:19:39,025 --> 00:19:40,565
I can't do it without your help.