89. Are Men Who Have Been Cheated on More Likely to Cheat on Their Partners? | The Successful Addict

Uploaded Dec 16, 2025

89. Are Men Who Have Been Cheated on More Likely to Cheat on Their Partners?

You would think that experiencing infidelity would decrease the chance that you would be unfaithful…

But this isn’t always the case.

In fact, being betrayed can lead to trauma that could then cause you to be the one who betrays.

Adam Nisenson (The Betrayal Shrink) is a CSAT who specializes in treating betrayed men who have experienced infidelity.

With so much of the focus being on male cheating, it can be easy to overlook female cheating.

In this episode, Adam and I talk about how betrayal trauma is different for men and how it can lead to intimacy disorders, addiction, and compulsive behavior in the future.

Adam is the author of the book, “A Man’s Guide to Partner Betrayal: Overcoming the Pain and Repercussions of a Cheating Partner.”

You can find his website here: https://www.betrayalshrink.com/

If you have experienced an emotional affair, physical cheating, or relational deception, listen to this episode. You might be surprised by what you learn about yourself.

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Have you ever been cheated on? And can

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that then lead to you cheating on other

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people in the future?

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In this podcast, I interview Adam Neeson and

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his specialty is actually men who have been

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betrayed.

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But what I find is in my groups,

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a lot of the guys in my groups

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have been cheated on in some fashion whether

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that be a physical affair or an emotional

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affair. And that distrust and then what that

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can lead to down the road, can that

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contribute to an intimacy disorder or a sex

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addiction or a porn addiction? And that's what

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we're gonna talk

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about in this episode. You are listening to

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the sex addiction podcast for high achievers, business

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professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever.

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I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The

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Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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more information about joining our group or attending

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our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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Adam, what's up, brother?

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We were just hanging out at, at ITAP,

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and, now we're virtual, which is lame. I

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way rather, we should we should I should've

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brought my microphone to the conference. I know.

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We've done this twice. But we're good, man.

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We we we vibe well. Yeah. Of course.

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Of course. So,

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whatever you guys do, do not turn this

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episode off just because you are like, oh,

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well, my wife hasn't cheated on me because

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I know, you know, the bulk of,

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you know,

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statistically, there are more women getting cheated on

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than men. However,

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I don't think the numbers are actually as

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far off as everyone likes to think. Personally,

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I've I was cheated on twice,

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by two by by women, by the way,

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who you would have never ever like, my

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family was baffled when I told them that

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they cheated on me. My my family was

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like, oh, no way. She could never do

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that. So my point is, it happens.

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And, and if you're a guy who has

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betrayed your wife listening to this, which I

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know is the vast a huge bulk of

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my audience, I still want everybody to listen

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because the principles

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matter and they can be applied. And honestly,

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some of you guys have been cheated on

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in the past, maybe not by your wife.

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And, you're you're gonna hear me ask Adam

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a lot of questions because, as I'm looking

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at my note sheet here, three of the

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things that I have written down is, am

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I over my

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being cheated on? And was me being cheated

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on? Did that lead to my compulsive behavior?

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And so I'm I have a couple questions

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there because I do know for a fact

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that a lot of my listeners have been

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cheated on in the past, maybe not by

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their current wife. And, I do wonder, Adam,

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how much of that has affected my compulsivity

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to this day with my one foot in,

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one foot outness. Right? So we'll I wanna

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talk about that, eventually as well. But first

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off, Adam,

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introduce yourself to the audience briefly. Tell them,

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the name of the book, how you got

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into it, who you work with, and then

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we'll dive right in.

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Sure. Well,

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thanks for having me. Good to see you

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again. I know. I'm more in person though.

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Yeah. Adam Nissenson. I'm an LMFT. I'm also

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a CSAT.

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I'm known as the betrayal shrink.

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I actually just wrote I've been told it's

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the first book written by a man for

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men around partner betrayal. And, actually, I've prepared

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I have a copy right here, but you

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can get your copy on Amazon. Like, you

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can get everything in the world today.

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Yeah. And so my specialty, my practice, my

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passion, my expertise

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is working with that small sliver, if you

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will, of men

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that have been cheated on by their partner.

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And

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what you were talking about, Roland, like, yeah,

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guys, even if you think you've never been

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cheated on, I think there's a lot you

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can just learn about relational dynamics. And if

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you've cheated on your partner and men and

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women, right, we're not the same, and

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often the impact and experience can be even

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feel the same.

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But the other part that I think is

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really fascinating and got me

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to get to this place is couple things.

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One,

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my ex wife cheated on me

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with her business partner, and we we could

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talk about that later. And then being a

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therapist and

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what was starting to happen was men were

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starting to tell me, like like, years after

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working with them, like, oh, my ex wife

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cheated on me, or I had a girlfriend

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and she cheated and broke my heart, and

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I think about it still today.

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And what I realized is, and I already

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know this because I'm a man. Right? But

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we tend to hold shit in. Do I

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do I say shit? I just said it

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twice. Mhmm.

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Right? And and that's just kind of behaviorally

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how we do things, and we don't share,

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and we run away from vulnerability and our

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feelings

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and all that kind of stuff. And

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I don't know, Roland, what we can analyze

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if you're over it or not too. Right?

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But those things stick, and they they leave

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an impression on how we interact

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in our relationships and with other people and

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how we show up. And often I see

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with men, either it it kills or cuts

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our ego

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or it inflates our ego, like, I'll never

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have that happen again. I'll never tell anyone

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outright.

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And let's be honest, neither one of those

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are a good way to show the world.

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So Yeah. So, Adam, I,

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are you cool using me as an example

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for this? Whatever. Yeah. I mean, we're Let's

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do it. Actually, we said we're just winging

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it today. It doesn't work. We'll just Yeah.

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I I don't know. Try it again the

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next time. Yeah. Exactly. Know.

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So so, yeah, let's let's let's use me

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for example for some of this. So,

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I didn't first off, Adam, I didn't tell

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anyone when it happened. I only told people

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after we broke up.

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I I bet you some women knew this

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too maybe.

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It sure seems like women will at least

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reach out to a friend or two or

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three.

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I didn't tell my best friend. I didn't

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tell I didn't tell nobody. I didn't tell

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anyone, and,

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I'll tell you right now why I didn't

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tell anybody and it it didn't I I

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don't have to look back in hindsight. I

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already know why I didn't tell anyone back

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then. I was embarrassed, you know, because to

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me, the story I made up was if

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she decided to go do this with this

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other guy that he's better than me. And

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so,

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being a high achiever with, a tasteful splash

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of narcissism and superiority

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and grandiosity,

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that is not a story I like. The

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idea that has got Doesn't fit the narrative.

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Yeah. No. I hated it. I hated it.

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And to be honest, Adam,

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it's as I reflect back both times, I

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pretended to be madder than I was,

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and I think I really was mad, but

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it was so

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harmful

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to the guy that I worked so hard

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to be that I I kid you not,

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I got over

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it, over it in air quotes. I got

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over it that day, brother. I'm telling you.

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I'm serious. I think back to both times

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that I found out, I was mad for

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maybe six hours and, brother, I'm not kidding

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you, I I was pretending to be mad

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at her the next day, but to be

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honest with you, I was kinda past it

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from a, you know, from a in terms

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of how it was affecting me. I literally

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shoved it down, put it in a little

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box, put it away, shamed her, and then

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moved on with my life and never thought

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about it again. I'm telling you, both times,

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I think I

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I don't know. Like, it sounds insane. It

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it it it like, we literally, like, we

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literally a month later, we're past it and

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I I never spoke about it again in

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the relationship.

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But again, I think to say that I

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was over it is a lot.

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Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's everything

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you just described is what I hear and

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see all the time in my work. Right?

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And it's it's there's the stigma,

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there's the shame,

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there's,

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the social expectations

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Mhmm. For men. Mhmm. And

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the other big thing is there's a huge

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lack of resources out there for men. Right?

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Like, that's why I wrote my book and

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the things I'm creating right now. That's

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right? There's just not enough for men

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where men If I was to trade, all

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the groups that I am aware of, and

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I'm in the field,

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all of the groups that I'm aware of

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are full of women. I would I if

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I got into it, I would I would,

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I'd probably ask for a refund or just

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stop coming. I mean, it's just such a

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different dynamic there. Right? Yeah. A 100%. And

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and then I think the other part

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is and and I and I have a

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lot of clients that have experienced this, and

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and

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it's that old, like, oh, man. You'll be

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fine. Right? Like, buck up. Right? Like, men,

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we're taught we're taught to put our heads

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down

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and just keep moving forward and and and

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not cry and not feel it and pretend

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it didn't happen

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or

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just fix it, pretend as if. Right? And

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so so those stereotypes

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are super detrimental to men. I mean, this

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is the kind of stuff, and this can

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sound dramatic, but this is the stuff that

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kills us. Right? This is, there's a great

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book, The Body Keeps the Score, if you've

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ever heard of it or read it. But

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it's that whole idea that

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trauma and the things we experience in life

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stick

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and they grow and they fester,

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00:08:57,590 --> 00:08:58,490
right? And

257
00:08:58,845 --> 00:09:01,504
it can cause disease, it can cause depression.

258
00:09:02,445 --> 00:09:04,684
And like you just never know, like like

259
00:09:04,684 --> 00:09:06,845
when those things show up. I'll I'll tell

260
00:09:06,845 --> 00:09:07,904
you Roland, like

261
00:09:08,445 --> 00:09:11,404
writing this book, right, it was what twelve,

262
00:09:11,404 --> 00:09:12,945
thirteen years ago since

263
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,279
I had my betrayal experience.

264
00:09:15,980 --> 00:09:17,899
I wrote the book a little what's been

265
00:09:17,899 --> 00:09:19,580
over a year now, right? About a year

266
00:09:19,580 --> 00:09:22,160
and a half or so. And man, sometimes

267
00:09:22,379 --> 00:09:24,379
writing it and I I would each chapter

268
00:09:24,379 --> 00:09:26,080
kind of as a part of my experience

269
00:09:26,894 --> 00:09:28,595
And, like, I would get those, like,

270
00:09:29,134 --> 00:09:31,774
kind of feelings, you know, like, damn, man.

271
00:09:31,774 --> 00:09:33,774
Like, I thought I was over this. And

272
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,615
I what I am over it, but there's

273
00:09:35,615 --> 00:09:38,274
still that little bit. Right? There's still that

274
00:09:38,574 --> 00:09:39,394
that voice

275
00:09:39,779 --> 00:09:41,240
or that part. And so

276
00:09:41,620 --> 00:09:44,100
writing the book actually ended up being really

277
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:44,600
healing.

278
00:09:45,139 --> 00:09:47,959
The other part that I actually really enjoyed

279
00:09:48,179 --> 00:09:51,079
and cringed at the same time was realizing

280
00:09:51,379 --> 00:09:54,075
all the things that I did wrong. Mhmm.

281
00:09:54,154 --> 00:09:55,595
Right? We can get into that if you

282
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,674
want. Right? But but that because I didn't

283
00:09:57,674 --> 00:09:59,915
have any guidance and I and actually, I'd

284
00:09:59,915 --> 00:10:01,514
gone my ex and I, we had gone

285
00:10:01,514 --> 00:10:02,254
to therapy

286
00:10:02,875 --> 00:10:05,434
and it was just a cluster. It was

287
00:10:05,434 --> 00:10:07,514
no good. I mean, the therapist I remember

288
00:10:07,514 --> 00:10:09,579
was like like, well, what's your part? And

289
00:10:09,579 --> 00:10:11,360
I was like, my part,

290
00:10:12,059 --> 00:10:14,139
I didn't do. Right? Like and and then

291
00:10:14,139 --> 00:10:15,579
I started going, did I have a part?

292
00:10:15,579 --> 00:10:17,100
Like, sure. I had a part. Like, the

293
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,500
marriage is falling apart, but I did not

294
00:10:19,500 --> 00:10:20,235
have a part.

295
00:10:20,714 --> 00:10:22,554
Anything there's nothing, and I wanna say this

296
00:10:22,554 --> 00:10:24,575
to all the men out there. There's nothing

297
00:10:25,115 --> 00:10:25,615
you

298
00:10:26,075 --> 00:10:27,695
do or can ever do

299
00:10:28,154 --> 00:10:30,235
that gives another person even if you cheat

300
00:10:30,235 --> 00:10:32,315
on your partner, that doesn't give them permission

301
00:10:32,315 --> 00:10:33,454
to go out and cheat.

302
00:10:33,839 --> 00:10:35,440
Right? And I'll actually tell you this, if

303
00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,620
your partner cheats on you and they say,

304
00:10:37,759 --> 00:10:39,759
oh, you have you you should go cheat

305
00:10:39,759 --> 00:10:40,259
too.

306
00:10:40,639 --> 00:10:42,959
Don't do it. Right? It makes it worse,

307
00:10:42,959 --> 00:10:44,799
and then it ends up being about you,

308
00:10:44,799 --> 00:10:47,519
and then you're into your extra shame, and

309
00:10:47,519 --> 00:10:50,375
your self worth gets more it's it's bad.

310
00:10:50,375 --> 00:10:52,455
And and when partners do that, it's because

311
00:10:52,455 --> 00:10:53,835
they don't wanna take accountability.

312
00:10:54,215 --> 00:10:57,095
They're gaslighting you, and they're they're projecting their

313
00:10:57,095 --> 00:10:59,735
victimhood onto you. Yeah. I see that stuff

314
00:10:59,735 --> 00:11:00,235
happening.

315
00:11:00,615 --> 00:11:02,695
I'm getting into the weeds. Don't do that,

316
00:11:02,695 --> 00:11:06,079
guys, ever. Well, this dynamic is a

317
00:11:06,860 --> 00:11:08,059
you know, and a lot of the guys

318
00:11:08,059 --> 00:11:10,379
listening to this have betrayed their wives, just

319
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:12,399
because that's my primary audience. But,

320
00:11:13,179 --> 00:11:16,220
you know, this dynamic, just like we have

321
00:11:16,220 --> 00:11:16,720
cheated,

322
00:11:17,995 --> 00:11:20,075
we know it had nothing to do with

323
00:11:20,075 --> 00:11:21,915
our wife. I mean, for the for I

324
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:24,394
would say 99.999%

325
00:11:24,394 --> 00:11:26,394
of the guys in my program, their wife

326
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:29,215
is more attractive and their sex is great

327
00:11:30,154 --> 00:11:32,075
compared to the people that they were sleeping

328
00:11:32,075 --> 00:11:34,420
with. Right? And so, you know, it's very

329
00:11:34,420 --> 00:11:36,340
common that the women they were sleeping with

330
00:11:36,340 --> 00:11:38,500
are far less attractive and don't even meet

331
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,259
their arousal template, you know, as closely as

332
00:11:40,340 --> 00:11:42,840
so the point is, you know, her narrative

333
00:11:42,980 --> 00:11:45,379
is that it's it's it's personal. She was

334
00:11:45,379 --> 00:11:47,240
more attractive, in better shape,

335
00:11:48,054 --> 00:11:49,495
better in bed that you wouldn't have done

336
00:11:49,495 --> 00:11:51,174
this to her, which is BS. That's not

337
00:11:51,334 --> 00:11:53,815
Yeah. Never. That's true. Happen. But that's I

338
00:11:53,815 --> 00:11:55,334
I bring that up just to your point,

339
00:11:55,334 --> 00:11:57,254
which is, you know, if you guys are

340
00:11:57,254 --> 00:11:59,495
actually trying to navigate this as a couple

341
00:11:59,495 --> 00:12:01,095
or if you have split up and you

342
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:02,875
guys are navigating this independently,

343
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,019
it's those stories though that culturally

344
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:06,980
are,

345
00:12:07,679 --> 00:12:09,200
you know, the ones that the the the

346
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,120
bulk of people believe. And that's the point.

347
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,959
That's the reason that it is so, in

348
00:12:12,959 --> 00:12:13,620
my opinion,

349
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:16,740
important to get professional help because

350
00:12:17,794 --> 00:12:21,075
society's, you know, kind of story around why

351
00:12:21,075 --> 00:12:23,075
this happens and how it could have been

352
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:25,875
prevented is not doesn't isn't backed by by

353
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:28,195
sound psychology. And so Yeah. No problem. You

354
00:12:28,195 --> 00:12:28,934
gotta recover.

355
00:12:29,475 --> 00:12:30,934
So I wanna speak to,

356
00:12:32,079 --> 00:12:33,519
and we can use me as an example

357
00:12:33,519 --> 00:12:35,039
again for this, and then you can kinda

358
00:12:35,039 --> 00:12:36,879
splice from there and and just kind of

359
00:12:36,879 --> 00:12:37,940
enlighten us. But,

360
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,839
I have wondered often, Adam, how much being

361
00:12:41,839 --> 00:12:42,820
cheated on

362
00:12:44,985 --> 00:12:45,964
made me

363
00:12:46,345 --> 00:12:48,985
become a cheater because I I I so

364
00:12:48,985 --> 00:12:50,284
just a little bit of background.

365
00:12:50,745 --> 00:12:52,024
When I was cheated on,

366
00:12:52,664 --> 00:12:55,625
both of those times, I was I I

367
00:12:55,625 --> 00:12:56,445
had not,

368
00:12:57,065 --> 00:12:58,919
physically acted out. So I was I I

369
00:12:58,919 --> 00:13:00,840
I was still viewing pornography a couple times

370
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,179
a week, but I had not cheated physically

371
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,160
or had an emotional affair or a physical

372
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:05,660
affair,

373
00:13:06,279 --> 00:13:08,040
or any kind of physical interaction. So I

374
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,059
had not yet become a physical,

375
00:13:10,679 --> 00:13:12,954
cheater when both of these things occurred. And

376
00:13:12,954 --> 00:13:15,195
I was very proud of that, because it

377
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,355
was against my value system at the time.

378
00:13:17,355 --> 00:13:18,554
I don't know what the heck happened to

379
00:13:18,554 --> 00:13:19,034
that. But,

380
00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:20,334
but,

381
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:21,534
so

382
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:22,735
so

383
00:13:23,115 --> 00:13:24,575
but I have often wondered,

384
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:27,629
you know, I sense those moments.

385
00:13:28,169 --> 00:13:30,090
I've kinda had one foot in, one foot

386
00:13:30,090 --> 00:13:30,590
out

387
00:13:30,970 --> 00:13:32,730
from that day on. I mean and I

388
00:13:32,730 --> 00:13:35,210
wonder how much of being cheated on did

389
00:13:35,210 --> 00:13:37,450
that. Now just a little further background, you

390
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,970
know, already know this, Adam, and most of

391
00:13:38,970 --> 00:13:39,884
my audience knows this

392
00:13:42,365 --> 00:13:42,845
if you've listened to any other episodes. I've

393
00:13:42,845 --> 00:13:45,184
always kind of had an issue with trusting

394
00:13:45,245 --> 00:13:45,745
anyone.

395
00:13:46,845 --> 00:13:48,764
Everyone, like, my my parents, you know, they

396
00:13:49,085 --> 00:13:51,825
everyone was always forcing me to become something

397
00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:53,980
and believe things that I didn't wanna become

398
00:13:53,980 --> 00:13:55,659
and I didn't wanna believe. And so I

399
00:13:55,659 --> 00:13:58,240
had a long history through my whole childhood

400
00:13:58,860 --> 00:14:01,980
of really not believing that these people who

401
00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:04,559
love me have my back. And,

402
00:14:04,940 --> 00:14:07,575
so fast forward, now I'm getting cheated on

403
00:14:07,575 --> 00:14:09,115
by people who love me,

404
00:14:09,815 --> 00:14:12,455
and then it happens again by somebody who

405
00:14:12,455 --> 00:14:15,735
loves me. And, you gotta you gotta think,

406
00:14:15,735 --> 00:14:18,375
Adam, that's that's you know, if I'm seeing

407
00:14:18,375 --> 00:14:18,875
this

408
00:14:19,330 --> 00:14:22,370
repeated process of everyone just doing what they

409
00:14:22,370 --> 00:14:24,070
want and wanting me to comply,

410
00:14:25,570 --> 00:14:28,129
you gotta think that that's my buy in

411
00:14:28,129 --> 00:14:28,870
to humanity

412
00:14:29,409 --> 00:14:30,309
is decreasing

413
00:14:30,690 --> 00:14:32,769
every single time that happens. And I I

414
00:14:32,769 --> 00:14:35,384
can't help but think, Adam, that, you know,

415
00:14:35,384 --> 00:14:37,705
after that last time, and again, I'm not

416
00:14:37,705 --> 00:14:39,144
I'm not blaming anyone or if that was

417
00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:40,105
a straw that I think I know there's

418
00:14:40,105 --> 00:14:42,024
a million straws. I don't I'm not blaming

419
00:14:42,024 --> 00:14:44,264
any one of those instances. But you gotta

420
00:14:44,264 --> 00:14:45,965
think from a relational standpoint,

421
00:14:46,825 --> 00:14:48,445
if that was my experience,

422
00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:52,899
is that gonna alter my own judgment when

423
00:14:52,899 --> 00:14:55,540
I'm now making decisions? Yeah? I think I

424
00:14:55,540 --> 00:14:56,680
mean, look.

425
00:14:58,019 --> 00:14:58,519
Everyone's

426
00:14:59,220 --> 00:15:01,300
we're a product of our environment. You know,

427
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:03,320
it's as much as as it is biological

428
00:15:03,434 --> 00:15:04,575
as it is environmental.

429
00:15:05,434 --> 00:15:05,934
And

430
00:15:06,634 --> 00:15:08,235
what I see and I'm not saying this

431
00:15:08,235 --> 00:15:10,095
is an excuse or it's true. But

432
00:15:10,475 --> 00:15:13,034
when you come from a broken family, when

433
00:15:13,034 --> 00:15:13,774
you're taught

434
00:15:14,154 --> 00:15:16,414
that there's not much value in relationships,

435
00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:18,014
when you're,

436
00:15:18,870 --> 00:15:21,190
I'll say, on the other side of betrayal,

437
00:15:21,190 --> 00:15:23,350
when you're the one being cheated on maybe

438
00:15:23,350 --> 00:15:25,110
over and over again, like like in your

439
00:15:25,110 --> 00:15:25,610
case,

440
00:15:26,070 --> 00:15:27,690
it's gonna be hard to believe,

441
00:15:27,990 --> 00:15:29,529
first of all, in the whole

442
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:31,450
idea of commitment.

443
00:15:31,855 --> 00:15:33,794
Mhmm. Right? And your experiences,

444
00:15:34,095 --> 00:15:37,134
oh, people cheat, people leave, people can't be

445
00:15:37,134 --> 00:15:39,855
trusted. Mhmm. And from that, you know, I

446
00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:41,774
think I see, like, with a lot of

447
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:44,190
the men actually, just like you, I also

448
00:15:44,269 --> 00:15:45,790
I work the other side of the fence.

449
00:15:45,790 --> 00:15:47,149
Right? I have a lot of as a

450
00:15:47,149 --> 00:15:48,830
CSAT, I have a lot of clients that

451
00:15:48,830 --> 00:15:49,970
do the cheating, which

452
00:15:50,509 --> 00:15:52,529
I love. I get to see both sides.

453
00:15:53,470 --> 00:15:56,394
And, yeah, I think if I'm raised or

454
00:15:56,394 --> 00:15:58,554
if I have so many experiences where it's

455
00:15:58,554 --> 00:16:00,714
scary to be vulnerable and men, we already

456
00:16:00,714 --> 00:16:01,855
struggle with vulnerability.

457
00:16:02,554 --> 00:16:05,115
Right? It's gonna make sense that that might

458
00:16:05,115 --> 00:16:05,615
be

459
00:16:05,995 --> 00:16:08,334
a pattern for me to be aware of.

460
00:16:09,879 --> 00:16:11,339
I can also say that

461
00:16:11,959 --> 00:16:12,459
vulnerabilities

462
00:16:12,759 --> 00:16:14,519
where you get to heal from that. Yeah.

463
00:16:14,519 --> 00:16:17,079
Right? Going all in. I, you know, I

464
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:20,779
like like, I feel like in my experience,

465
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,720
my ex, I think she kinda always needed

466
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:25,774
a backup plan. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know,

467
00:16:25,774 --> 00:16:28,154
and this isn't gonna be about her. Right?

468
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:30,415
But but when you grow up certain ways,

469
00:16:30,415 --> 00:16:32,575
I think that's how we feel safe and

470
00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:34,815
that's how we feel secure. Even if there's

471
00:16:34,815 --> 00:16:37,154
nothing the other person's doing. Mhmm.

472
00:16:37,535 --> 00:16:38,894
You know? So that that would be I

473
00:16:38,894 --> 00:16:40,670
would So if I was to analyze you

474
00:16:40,670 --> 00:16:43,070
right now, Roland, I would say, like, right,

475
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:44,050
like, trust.

476
00:16:44,590 --> 00:16:45,090
And

477
00:16:45,790 --> 00:16:48,110
when we struggle with trust, in some ways,

478
00:16:48,110 --> 00:16:50,370
we also struggle with our self worth

479
00:16:50,830 --> 00:16:52,670
because we need we need to trust people

480
00:16:52,670 --> 00:16:55,284
and we need to trust ourselves. Mhmm. And

481
00:16:55,284 --> 00:16:57,764
all those things, they mess with a man's

482
00:16:57,764 --> 00:17:00,164
identity. Yes. And it messes with our sense

483
00:17:00,164 --> 00:17:02,565
of masculinity or what it means to really

484
00:17:02,565 --> 00:17:04,025
be a man. Mhmm.

485
00:17:04,884 --> 00:17:07,045
You know, I think I think betrayal, if

486
00:17:07,045 --> 00:17:08,825
you cheat or you're cheated on,

487
00:17:09,309 --> 00:17:11,630
I think that that messes with your definition

488
00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:13,230
of who you are as a man. And

489
00:17:13,230 --> 00:17:15,070
and what does it look like to be

490
00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:17,089
accountable and integrity and

491
00:17:17,390 --> 00:17:17,789
how you're

492
00:17:18,430 --> 00:17:20,509
You know, how how you know, because that's

493
00:17:20,509 --> 00:17:21,009
what

494
00:17:21,345 --> 00:17:23,664
I've done a couple episodes on this because

495
00:17:23,664 --> 00:17:24,565
I was accused,

496
00:17:25,105 --> 00:17:27,125
and I've been accused of this before of

497
00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:28,005
not,

498
00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:30,644
honoring trauma.

499
00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:32,704
And I and I think that's just I

500
00:17:32,704 --> 00:17:34,865
I I can't stand when people say that.

501
00:17:34,865 --> 00:17:36,164
I mean, it's because

502
00:17:36,464 --> 00:17:37,125
I don't

503
00:17:37,559 --> 00:17:39,480
I don't talk about it in the same

504
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,399
way that everyone talks about it because I

505
00:17:41,399 --> 00:17:42,679
think the way that everyone talks about it

506
00:17:42,679 --> 00:17:43,980
is a very powerless,

507
00:17:44,839 --> 00:17:45,339
sad,

508
00:17:46,279 --> 00:17:47,960
kind of unconstructive way to think about it.

509
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,240
The way I think about trauma is a

510
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,494
thing happened, I drew conclusions about it, that

511
00:17:51,494 --> 00:17:54,134
spliced off into maybe me modifying my identity

512
00:17:54,134 --> 00:17:56,154
and modifying some of my belief systems,

513
00:17:56,775 --> 00:17:59,015
and, my data as to how I'm gonna

514
00:17:59,015 --> 00:18:00,855
make decisions going forward. And now I'm making

515
00:18:00,855 --> 00:18:03,654
decisions based off of this traumatic, if we

516
00:18:03,654 --> 00:18:05,640
wanna call it, event that occurred. But the

517
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:09,160
trauma was my conclusion that I drew from

518
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,559
how and why it happened to me and

519
00:18:11,559 --> 00:18:13,559
the significance of it. So I look at

520
00:18:13,559 --> 00:18:16,200
it as and again, I'm not I I

521
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,440
I I know there's an emotional piece to

522
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:19,720
it that is stored in my you know,

523
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,845
that that is I get that. I'm not

524
00:18:21,845 --> 00:18:23,704
belittling that. I just personally

525
00:18:24,644 --> 00:18:26,264
don't mess with that stuff because

526
00:18:26,964 --> 00:18:28,244
why would I mess with it? I have

527
00:18:28,244 --> 00:18:30,484
an intimacy disorder and I've been detached for

528
00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:32,164
my emotions. So, like, why would I help

529
00:18:32,164 --> 00:18:34,500
guys with that? So for everybody listening, if

530
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,380
you if if if you're gonna accuse me

531
00:18:36,380 --> 00:18:39,339
of that, I agree. I do actually not

532
00:18:39,339 --> 00:18:41,660
talk enough about that, but it's because it's

533
00:18:41,660 --> 00:18:43,740
not my lane. Yeah. It's not where yeah.

534
00:18:43,740 --> 00:18:46,299
I see a somatic experiencing therapist every week

535
00:18:46,299 --> 00:18:48,825
because I can't do that without her help.

536
00:18:49,065 --> 00:18:51,724
I have she helps me feel and interpret

537
00:18:51,784 --> 00:18:54,024
what my feelings are. So, anyways, that was

538
00:18:54,024 --> 00:18:55,404
not where I wanted to go.

539
00:18:55,784 --> 00:18:57,704
But wait. I wait. On all that, I

540
00:18:57,704 --> 00:18:59,644
got a question for you. Hit me.

541
00:19:00,105 --> 00:19:01,964
So with your betrayal experiences,

542
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:05,700
if would you do them over again, or

543
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:07,299
would you not want that to ever happen

544
00:19:07,299 --> 00:19:08,039
to you?

545
00:19:09,059 --> 00:19:12,100
Being betrayed or me betraying my wife? No.

546
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:13,160
You being betrayed.

547
00:19:13,460 --> 00:19:15,080
Oh, gosh. I,

548
00:19:18,404 --> 00:19:20,804
I mean, obviously, you know, every time we

549
00:19:20,804 --> 00:19:23,524
look back in hindsight at conclusions that we

550
00:19:23,524 --> 00:19:25,524
drew, it's always a guess. Right? I I,

551
00:19:25,524 --> 00:19:28,164
you know, I never can I'll never really

552
00:19:28,164 --> 00:19:30,424
know what I was thinking when I was

553
00:19:30,484 --> 00:19:32,265
22 years old when that happened.

554
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,160
But I can tell you what I probably

555
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,720
was thinking because when I was 22,

556
00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:40,000
I was I'm still very narcissistic and grandiose,

557
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,080
but I was very much so back then.

558
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,160
So my guess would be I told myself

559
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:47,264
a story of, yep. Fuck you. All you

560
00:19:47,264 --> 00:19:49,345
people do the same nonsense. I've known it

561
00:19:49,345 --> 00:19:51,984
all along. This doesn't surprise me. I expect

562
00:19:51,984 --> 00:19:54,865
this from you. And so I think that's

563
00:19:54,865 --> 00:19:56,704
why I got over it because it's like,

564
00:19:56,704 --> 00:19:58,859
yep. My parents have done this. Everybody did

565
00:19:59,079 --> 00:20:01,079
this to me. No one's ever really taken

566
00:20:01,079 --> 00:20:04,119
an interest in my life besides me, so

567
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:05,819
this is this is par for the course.

568
00:20:06,279 --> 00:20:08,039
And I think I told myself that story

569
00:20:08,039 --> 00:20:09,880
both times, and I don't know how much

570
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,659
I believe it. I think it's very convenient.

571
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,694
I think I know that I know one

572
00:20:13,694 --> 00:20:16,335
thing about myself. I go royal very often.

573
00:20:16,335 --> 00:20:18,414
I like royal because it sounds so much

574
00:20:18,414 --> 00:20:20,414
cooler than victim even though they're basically the

575
00:20:20,414 --> 00:20:21,615
same. I don't know. I think royal is

576
00:20:21,615 --> 00:20:23,855
actually worse because at least at least when

577
00:20:23,855 --> 00:20:25,819
you're a victim, you're you're kind of owning

578
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,859
your victimness, whereas royal is like this covert,

579
00:20:28,919 --> 00:20:31,159
like, I'm not a victim. It's your fault.

580
00:20:31,159 --> 00:20:33,159
So, I don't know if that answered your

581
00:20:33,159 --> 00:20:34,940
your question, but that was

582
00:20:35,559 --> 00:20:37,480
that's and and, again, you know, I can

583
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,704
confidently answer that. That's my go to, Adam,

584
00:20:39,704 --> 00:20:42,208
with everything. I go royal. I go anything

585
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:44,433
that happens to me, I go royal with

586
00:20:44,433 --> 00:20:46,658
it because the story is very convenient for

587
00:20:46,658 --> 00:20:48,884
me because I don't really have to change.

588
00:20:48,884 --> 00:20:51,109
I'm already the woke one. They're the unconscious

589
00:20:51,109 --> 00:20:53,220
one. Right? And so it's I've kinda gone

590
00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:55,059
that route a lot in my life, and

591
00:20:55,059 --> 00:20:56,200
it just makes it

592
00:20:56,740 --> 00:20:58,980
easier for me because then, I don't have

593
00:20:58,980 --> 00:21:00,500
the problem. They have the problem. Then I

594
00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:01,799
can move on with my life.

595
00:21:02,420 --> 00:21:04,579
Yeah. I was just wondering. I think I

596
00:21:04,579 --> 00:21:06,500
would just like, for me, like, I've thought

597
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:08,585
about it. And, I mean, I don't ever

598
00:21:08,585 --> 00:21:11,484
wanna have to experience those feelings again.

599
00:21:11,865 --> 00:21:12,365
And

600
00:21:12,664 --> 00:21:14,205
I think it was a profound

601
00:21:14,585 --> 00:21:17,465
life event that molded me, right, and kinda

602
00:21:17,465 --> 00:21:18,205
woke me.

603
00:21:18,825 --> 00:21:20,424
Yeah. I think it's hard for me to

604
00:21:20,424 --> 00:21:22,765
be I'm very, very thankful for

605
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,039
the recovery work I've had to do now

606
00:21:25,039 --> 00:21:27,380
since I have been the cheating person because

607
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,420
I I don't think I ever realized how

608
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,480
narcissistic some of my tendencies were. I don't

609
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,420
think I realized how grandiose

610
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,640
I still was. I don't think I real

611
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:38,615
you know? So I think recovery has forced

612
00:21:38,615 --> 00:21:39,195
me to,

613
00:21:41,095 --> 00:21:43,434
so from that standpoint but I think

614
00:21:44,375 --> 00:21:46,475
going back, I'm sure there was a bunch

615
00:21:46,695 --> 00:21:48,855
of cool things that happened from those moments,

616
00:21:48,855 --> 00:21:50,549
but I also think it's

617
00:21:51,029 --> 00:21:52,950
probably contributed to what I did to my

618
00:21:52,950 --> 00:21:54,549
wife. So it's really hard for me to

619
00:21:54,549 --> 00:21:56,890
be thankful for it because I think Yeah.

620
00:21:57,029 --> 00:21:59,369
I already struggled with humanity,

621
00:21:59,670 --> 00:22:01,750
and I kind of carved out my romantic

622
00:22:01,750 --> 00:22:04,390
partners. But I think after those events, I

623
00:22:04,390 --> 00:22:07,194
think they became you people as well. So

624
00:22:07,194 --> 00:22:09,434
then it was everybody was you people, including

625
00:22:09,434 --> 00:22:10,875
the people that I was dating, which kind

626
00:22:10,875 --> 00:22:12,174
of opened the door to me,

627
00:22:12,875 --> 00:22:15,674
kind of dishonoring their humanity and my own

628
00:22:15,674 --> 00:22:17,355
humanity. Because at that point in time, when

629
00:22:17,434 --> 00:22:19,914
if even my romantic life partner is you

630
00:22:19,914 --> 00:22:21,440
is you people,

631
00:22:22,059 --> 00:22:23,899
at that point, screw it. I mean, why

632
00:22:23,899 --> 00:22:26,059
is it even why does anything even matter?

633
00:22:26,059 --> 00:22:27,259
And so I think, you know, it's it's

634
00:22:27,259 --> 00:22:29,019
hard for me to see positive in it

635
00:22:29,019 --> 00:22:31,099
because I think it poured gasoline on a

636
00:22:31,099 --> 00:22:32,859
massive issue that ended up causing a lot

637
00:22:32,859 --> 00:22:33,519
of problems.

638
00:22:33,980 --> 00:22:35,839
That makes sense. Mhmm. And

639
00:22:36,404 --> 00:22:38,485
if you choose to, right, it opens us

640
00:22:38,485 --> 00:22:41,605
up to endless possibilities and healing and growth

641
00:22:41,605 --> 00:22:44,025
and Yeah. And change how we show up.

642
00:22:44,085 --> 00:22:46,505
Absolutely. Absolutely. I think I think now

643
00:22:46,884 --> 00:22:47,625
in hindsight,

644
00:22:47,924 --> 00:22:50,369
right, we can go back to that traumatic

645
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:52,049
event and look at the conclusions that I

646
00:22:52,049 --> 00:22:53,890
drew, which for me, it's not rocket science.

647
00:22:53,890 --> 00:22:56,309
I I drew one big conclusion, which was,

648
00:22:56,369 --> 00:22:58,049
yep. You people are all the same. And

649
00:22:58,049 --> 00:23:00,049
it doesn't matter if you're my life partner,

650
00:23:00,049 --> 00:23:02,954
romantic partner, all you people do this shit

651
00:23:02,954 --> 00:23:04,714
to people. Yeah. What's the story? And I

652
00:23:04,714 --> 00:23:06,474
said that, you know, even this deep in

653
00:23:06,474 --> 00:23:08,154
my recovery, as much as I wanna say

654
00:23:08,154 --> 00:23:09,934
I don't believe that childish story,

655
00:23:10,315 --> 00:23:11,994
brother, I think more of me believes that

656
00:23:11,994 --> 00:23:13,755
than doesn't. I mean, and that's that's why

657
00:23:13,755 --> 00:23:15,275
I always tell guys, keep your foot on

658
00:23:15,275 --> 00:23:17,720
the gas in recovery is my you know,

659
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:19,400
to me, why why take your foot off

660
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,240
the gas? Don't you like, why why wouldn't

661
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,900
you wanna continue to move past your grandiosity?

662
00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:25,960
Look. If the train's moving, you don't stop

663
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,839
putting Yeah. No. Right? Like, it's keep yeah.

664
00:23:28,839 --> 00:23:31,255
Totally. Yeah. Go on. So I I do

665
00:23:31,255 --> 00:23:32,615
wanna go back to one thing you said

666
00:23:32,615 --> 00:23:33,974
because I do think it'd be nice to

667
00:23:33,974 --> 00:23:34,634
touch on.

668
00:23:35,654 --> 00:23:37,974
Mistakes that we make because I I I

669
00:23:38,055 --> 00:23:39,494
you know, the more and more we're talking,

670
00:23:39,494 --> 00:23:41,335
I am just thinking back to the guys

671
00:23:41,335 --> 00:23:42,934
in my groups. I think so many of

672
00:23:42,934 --> 00:23:44,615
them have been cheated on just not by

673
00:23:44,615 --> 00:23:47,539
their current wife Sure. Or their current partner.

674
00:23:47,679 --> 00:23:49,519
And so I do think going back and

675
00:23:49,519 --> 00:23:51,519
talking about some of the mistakes would actually

676
00:23:51,519 --> 00:23:53,759
be beneficial because I think it might speak

677
00:23:53,759 --> 00:23:56,419
to unresolved traumas and or,

678
00:23:57,039 --> 00:23:58,559
what I find from a lot of stuff

679
00:23:58,559 --> 00:23:59,539
that I do wrong,

680
00:23:59,894 --> 00:24:02,634
I actually create new traumas by,

681
00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:06,535
I don't know, faking myself out. Yeah. Well,

682
00:24:06,535 --> 00:24:09,095
well, not faking the trauma you're in or

683
00:24:09,095 --> 00:24:09,595
healing.

684
00:24:10,134 --> 00:24:12,775
Correct. Correct. Making another, you know, creating another

685
00:24:12,775 --> 00:24:14,875
massive barrier in my life from

686
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,559
thinking that I was getting past something or

687
00:24:18,559 --> 00:24:20,640
blaming the wrong thing. I see this a

688
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:22,319
lot in therapy. Right? If you if you

689
00:24:22,319 --> 00:24:24,179
have not the great help

690
00:24:24,559 --> 00:24:26,900
or or the help is not as informed

691
00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:29,200
and they make a very definitive statement, you

692
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,628
might blame the wrong thing and then all

693
00:24:31,628 --> 00:24:33,335
of a sudden still be suffering from the

694
00:24:33,335 --> 00:24:35,894
thing that caused across those stuff. So talk

695
00:24:35,894 --> 00:24:37,914
to me about when you mentioned the mistakes,

696
00:24:38,294 --> 00:24:40,774
what are those one, two, three mistakes that

697
00:24:40,774 --> 00:24:42,615
you're talking about? Put me on the spot.

698
00:24:42,615 --> 00:24:44,534
There's a bunch. There's a few. What the

699
00:24:44,774 --> 00:24:46,839
I think the first one I wanna talk

700
00:24:46,839 --> 00:24:48,059
about would be anger.

701
00:24:48,359 --> 00:24:50,200
Sure. And I and I think,

702
00:24:50,759 --> 00:24:51,419
you know,

703
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:52,940
most men

704
00:24:53,799 --> 00:24:55,559
don't know how to do what I wanna

705
00:24:55,559 --> 00:24:58,279
call is healthy anger. Right? We're scared of

706
00:24:58,279 --> 00:24:58,940
our anger,

707
00:25:00,065 --> 00:25:01,924
or we do anger really big.

708
00:25:02,305 --> 00:25:04,224
Right? And that's not so We'll stay judged.

709
00:25:04,224 --> 00:25:05,904
It's been I I was meant to anger

710
00:25:05,904 --> 00:25:07,984
management four times. Once when I once when

711
00:25:07,984 --> 00:25:09,424
I was four years old, again, when I

712
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:11,105
was seven years old, another time when I

713
00:25:11,105 --> 00:25:12,464
was 16 years old, and then the last

714
00:25:12,464 --> 00:25:14,805
time I was 27 years old. And,

715
00:25:15,779 --> 00:25:17,860
the message was just don't be angry.

716
00:25:18,180 --> 00:25:19,860
Hey, a k and if for everybody listening,

717
00:25:19,860 --> 00:25:23,140
anger management is a vanished term. The psychologists

718
00:25:23,140 --> 00:25:25,220
are actually ashamed that we ever did that.

719
00:25:25,220 --> 00:25:27,400
So so just to let you know, we

720
00:25:27,460 --> 00:25:29,779
no longer manage anyone's anger. We figure out

721
00:25:29,779 --> 00:25:31,305
why they're angry. Anger

722
00:25:32,244 --> 00:25:34,325
is a key feeling. Right? If you look

723
00:25:34,325 --> 00:25:36,404
at the feeling wheels and all. Right? It's

724
00:25:36,484 --> 00:25:38,085
you have to have it like you have

725
00:25:38,085 --> 00:25:40,825
happiness and sad. Right? It it's it's important.

726
00:25:41,845 --> 00:25:44,325
But, also, like, what you were alluding to

727
00:25:44,325 --> 00:25:44,825
is

728
00:25:45,619 --> 00:25:48,740
our society, like like, somewhere down the road,

729
00:25:48,740 --> 00:25:51,220
men, we were taught that don't be angry

730
00:25:51,220 --> 00:25:53,380
and it's not safe and it's not good

731
00:25:53,380 --> 00:25:53,619
and it's

732
00:25:54,660 --> 00:25:56,420
Mhmm. Yeah. And all those things and and

733
00:25:56,420 --> 00:25:57,799
that's BS. And

734
00:25:58,134 --> 00:26:00,535
and anger is an important part of of

735
00:26:00,535 --> 00:26:01,755
the healing process.

736
00:26:02,855 --> 00:26:04,934
I like to call it what's your healthy

737
00:26:04,934 --> 00:26:07,575
anger. Right? It doesn't mean road raging and

738
00:26:07,575 --> 00:26:08,554
it doesn't mean,

739
00:26:08,855 --> 00:26:09,595
you know,

740
00:26:09,894 --> 00:26:12,875
throwing a TV out the second story window.

741
00:26:13,650 --> 00:26:15,809
Although maybe that could be therapeutic. I don't

742
00:26:15,809 --> 00:26:18,150
know. Make sure no one's blowing. Blow. Right?

743
00:26:18,529 --> 00:26:20,250
Disclaimer. Do not throw your TV out of

744
00:26:20,250 --> 00:26:22,690
the way. Yeah. Get in trouble here. But

745
00:26:22,690 --> 00:26:23,990
but, yeah, I I think

746
00:26:24,690 --> 00:26:26,470
I I think when it comes to betrayal,

747
00:26:26,849 --> 00:26:27,349
men

748
00:26:27,875 --> 00:26:29,894
shut down. I can't be angry.

749
00:26:30,595 --> 00:26:33,315
Right? And I I think, like, missing out

750
00:26:33,315 --> 00:26:35,975
on your anger is is a super important

751
00:26:36,115 --> 00:26:38,515
thing. Right? And and I do. I'll just

752
00:26:38,515 --> 00:26:40,115
kind of throw out some ideas, some things

753
00:26:40,115 --> 00:26:42,355
I have some of my clients do, things

754
00:26:42,355 --> 00:26:43,095
I did.

755
00:26:43,460 --> 00:26:43,960
Right?

756
00:26:45,059 --> 00:26:46,900
It's go on a bike ride. Mhmm. Get

757
00:26:46,900 --> 00:26:49,880
into your body. Right? If you do Taekwondo,

758
00:26:50,180 --> 00:26:52,099
go go do that. Go go beat the

759
00:26:52,099 --> 00:26:53,539
crap out of the guy across from you,

760
00:26:53,539 --> 00:26:54,820
and he's gonna be trying to beat the

761
00:26:54,820 --> 00:26:55,880
crap out of you.

762
00:26:56,244 --> 00:26:58,484
I've taken clients. I love doing this. Putting

763
00:26:58,484 --> 00:27:00,265
bricks in a in a bag

764
00:27:00,724 --> 00:27:02,724
and riding along the bricks all your anger

765
00:27:02,724 --> 00:27:04,085
and carrying them on a hike. And when

766
00:27:04,085 --> 00:27:05,524
you think you wanna let one of those

767
00:27:05,524 --> 00:27:07,044
go, look at it and throw it out

768
00:27:07,044 --> 00:27:09,684
there and and proclaim what's gonna be different.

769
00:27:09,684 --> 00:27:12,390
Right? There's so many ways of letting that

770
00:27:12,390 --> 00:27:15,190
energy out, and that's healthy and safe. So

771
00:27:15,190 --> 00:27:17,029
that would be one thing I think men

772
00:27:17,029 --> 00:27:18,789
do wrong is they don't they don't speak

773
00:27:18,789 --> 00:27:20,169
to their anger. Mhmm.

774
00:27:20,869 --> 00:27:23,294
The other part is we shut down. Right?

775
00:27:23,294 --> 00:27:25,294
We've we've kind of alluded to that some.

776
00:27:25,294 --> 00:27:26,115
Right? Men

777
00:27:26,494 --> 00:27:28,734
get to a place where, you know, there's

778
00:27:28,734 --> 00:27:31,214
no support. No one will understand. I don't

779
00:27:31,214 --> 00:27:32,994
wanna be the brunt of the joke.

780
00:27:33,454 --> 00:27:35,054
I don't wanna I already feel less than

781
00:27:35,134 --> 00:27:37,440
I already feel like crap. Mhmm. Right? Why

782
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,679
do I wanna put myself out? My heart

783
00:27:39,679 --> 00:27:41,440
already hurts, so I'm gonna let someone else,

784
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,400
you know, hurt it more. Mhmm. So so

785
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:45,460
when we isolate,

786
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,160
like, actually, I know you do groups, you

787
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,174
do retreats. I have a group, and that

788
00:27:50,174 --> 00:27:52,414
my next betrayal group starts on this this

789
00:27:52,414 --> 00:27:53,315
coming Wednesday.

790
00:27:53,934 --> 00:27:56,255
And every time I do those groups and

791
00:27:56,255 --> 00:27:57,934
watch these guys, I I wish I could

792
00:27:57,934 --> 00:28:00,035
take, like, pictures of them the first session

793
00:28:00,734 --> 00:28:02,819
and then the last session because the way

794
00:28:02,819 --> 00:28:04,740
they look on the on the camera on

795
00:28:04,740 --> 00:28:06,500
Zoom and the way they interact and the

796
00:28:06,500 --> 00:28:08,440
way they feel and you can just see

797
00:28:08,900 --> 00:28:11,400
they're free. They stay they're witnessed,

798
00:28:12,019 --> 00:28:15,140
they're supported, they're loved, they're accepted for where

799
00:28:15,140 --> 00:28:17,825
they're at. Like, imagine if the world was

800
00:28:17,825 --> 00:28:20,384
more like that Mhmm. For men. Right? So

801
00:28:20,384 --> 00:28:22,384
there's that. And then I would say the

802
00:28:22,384 --> 00:28:24,085
third thing I wanna bring up

803
00:28:24,625 --> 00:28:26,565
that I did wrong was boundaries.

804
00:28:26,944 --> 00:28:28,720
Yeah. Yeah. And you and I could probably

805
00:28:28,799 --> 00:28:30,240
you can be on your own even do,

806
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:32,819
like, you can do multiple podcasts on boundaries.

807
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,059
Right? I think it's the one thing most

808
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:36,019
all of us

809
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:37,859
struggle with.

810
00:28:38,639 --> 00:28:41,265
And men, I find struggle with them a

811
00:28:41,265 --> 00:28:42,865
lot because they don't know what a boundary

812
00:28:42,865 --> 00:28:44,724
is. They weren't raised with a boundary.

813
00:28:45,265 --> 00:28:46,785
You know, one of the things I on

814
00:28:46,785 --> 00:28:48,404
my my betrayal journey,

815
00:28:49,025 --> 00:28:51,845
I was so afraid of giving her boundaries

816
00:28:52,065 --> 00:28:54,660
because I didn't wanna lose her. I didn't

817
00:28:54,660 --> 00:28:56,660
wanna push her away. I didn't wanna be

818
00:28:56,660 --> 00:28:59,000
mean. I I just wanted to be accommodating.

819
00:28:59,140 --> 00:29:01,160
I wanted to be a doormat, basically.

820
00:29:01,779 --> 00:29:03,299
Right? And when I'm a doormat and I

821
00:29:03,299 --> 00:29:05,299
don't have boundaries, well, I have no self

822
00:29:05,299 --> 00:29:05,799
esteem,

823
00:29:06,340 --> 00:29:06,840
and

824
00:29:07,544 --> 00:29:09,784
I'm not angry. I'm not in my truth.

825
00:29:09,784 --> 00:29:10,284
So

826
00:29:10,585 --> 00:29:13,004
by not holding boundaries with my ex,

827
00:29:13,625 --> 00:29:17,065
the the affair basically continued, and and I

828
00:29:17,065 --> 00:29:19,625
and I felt extra powerless. I was in

829
00:29:19,625 --> 00:29:20,125
fear.

830
00:29:20,509 --> 00:29:22,110
Right? So those are some of the things

831
00:29:22,110 --> 00:29:24,049
that I see happen. Yeah. And I think,

832
00:29:24,509 --> 00:29:26,029
Go for it. Yeah. No. No. I like

833
00:29:26,029 --> 00:29:28,110
that because I think and I think this

834
00:29:28,110 --> 00:29:30,350
happens I think this happens as I was

835
00:29:30,350 --> 00:29:31,950
listening to those two things, I think this

836
00:29:31,950 --> 00:29:34,845
happens to the cheating partner and the betrayed

837
00:29:34,845 --> 00:29:37,184
partner. I think Yeah. I think both people

838
00:29:37,964 --> 00:29:40,044
I think I think I think called the

839
00:29:40,044 --> 00:29:41,804
the issues that you're referring to, I think

840
00:29:41,804 --> 00:29:43,804
culturally, this affects both sides. I think,

841
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,179
emotions get judged,

842
00:29:48,279 --> 00:29:51,240
by yourself and by your partner. Right?

843
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:53,079
And I think we need to you know,

844
00:29:53,079 --> 00:29:54,759
I always I always tell everybody and every

845
00:29:54,759 --> 00:29:56,299
guy listening needs to hear this.

846
00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:59,845
Anger, frustration, all this stuff, Their cries for

847
00:29:59,845 --> 00:30:02,164
help, including anxiety and frustration. That's what it

848
00:30:02,164 --> 00:30:04,325
is. It's a the way, you know, when

849
00:30:04,325 --> 00:30:06,325
you look at the polyvagal theory or or

850
00:30:06,325 --> 00:30:08,184
any of the theories that talk about emotional

851
00:30:08,244 --> 00:30:10,565
dysregulation, it serves a purpose. You're not getting

852
00:30:10,565 --> 00:30:13,559
that emotion for no reason. You're getting it

853
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:16,680
as a as a sign to go do

854
00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:18,200
something. You know, if you look at Stephen

855
00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:18,700
Porges,

856
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:21,000
Stephen Porges? Is that his name? Yeah.

857
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:24,380
You know, the philosophy is, you know, the

858
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:25,660
the coregulation

859
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:27,320
was supposed to take care of that. And

860
00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:28,815
then if it doesn't, you know, we have

861
00:30:28,815 --> 00:30:31,134
this kind of ramping of of emotions. But,

862
00:30:31,134 --> 00:30:32,494
you know, they're cries for help. So I

863
00:30:32,494 --> 00:30:34,174
would just say that to the men and

864
00:30:34,174 --> 00:30:34,674
women,

865
00:30:35,214 --> 00:30:36,434
women listening to this.

866
00:30:36,894 --> 00:30:39,294
You know, when you see your partner flipping

867
00:30:39,294 --> 00:30:39,794
out,

868
00:30:40,349 --> 00:30:42,349
you know, I want you to try and

869
00:30:42,349 --> 00:30:44,589
it's hard. It's really hard. But in that

870
00:30:44,589 --> 00:30:46,670
moment, try to assume this is a cry

871
00:30:46,670 --> 00:30:47,630
for help. This is a cry for help.

872
00:30:47,630 --> 00:30:50,509
Because, again, visually, you're gonna judge it, and

873
00:30:50,509 --> 00:30:52,029
that's gonna create all sorts of problems because

874
00:30:52,029 --> 00:30:53,630
you're gonna see this individual and you're gonna

875
00:30:53,630 --> 00:30:55,154
be, how dare they,

876
00:30:56,174 --> 00:30:58,494
all this nonsense. In the end, really, what

877
00:30:58,494 --> 00:31:00,255
the what the person's doing is I need

878
00:31:00,255 --> 00:31:02,835
some freaking help. I feel there there's injustices

879
00:31:03,055 --> 00:31:04,974
here. No one cares about me. How could

880
00:31:04,974 --> 00:31:06,494
this happen? You know, it's it you know,

881
00:31:06,494 --> 00:31:08,255
that's where these these emotions come from. And

882
00:31:08,255 --> 00:31:10,140
so, yeah, ignoring them, you know, especially for

883
00:31:10,140 --> 00:31:12,320
guys who've been cheated on. I often wonder,

884
00:31:12,779 --> 00:31:14,779
Adam, how many you know, what did I

885
00:31:14,779 --> 00:31:16,700
feel under all of that? You know, I

886
00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:19,580
tried to discredit her and discredit her, the

887
00:31:19,580 --> 00:31:20,080
affair

888
00:31:20,460 --> 00:31:21,680
guy that she chose,

889
00:31:22,140 --> 00:31:24,059
because that made me feel better. But in

890
00:31:24,059 --> 00:31:24,640
the end,

891
00:31:25,555 --> 00:31:26,914
you know, I bet you I was sad

892
00:31:26,914 --> 00:31:28,674
as hell underneath it all, man. And I

893
00:31:28,674 --> 00:31:31,174
didn't tell her. Masking it. Yeah. You know,

894
00:31:31,474 --> 00:31:33,394
actually, every I love everything you just said.

895
00:31:33,394 --> 00:31:35,335
And to add to that,

896
00:31:36,195 --> 00:31:37,714
so many men that I work with, I

897
00:31:37,714 --> 00:31:39,974
see they they just put up those walls.

898
00:31:40,589 --> 00:31:43,150
Right? And that's I'm gonna be safe. And,

899
00:31:43,150 --> 00:31:45,569
you know, the whole, right, the wall metaphor.

900
00:31:45,630 --> 00:31:48,269
Right? It's I keep everyone out, but also

901
00:31:48,269 --> 00:31:50,829
keep myself trapped within. Right? And then you're

902
00:31:50,829 --> 00:31:53,345
stuck and nothing changes. And then you wanna

903
00:31:53,345 --> 00:31:54,164
talk about

904
00:31:54,625 --> 00:31:56,884
a trauma response or getting retrigger.

905
00:31:57,184 --> 00:31:59,045
Right? And and it reexperiencing

906
00:31:59,424 --> 00:32:01,285
these things or acting out

907
00:32:01,585 --> 00:32:04,305
because that's your body because you're holding all

908
00:32:04,305 --> 00:32:05,684
this energy in.

909
00:32:06,269 --> 00:32:08,029
I always tell my guys, I don't ever

910
00:32:08,029 --> 00:32:09,869
want you to put a wall up. Like,

911
00:32:09,869 --> 00:32:11,390
I want you to put a shield up.

912
00:32:11,390 --> 00:32:13,070
I want you to to be able to

913
00:32:13,070 --> 00:32:15,070
block what you need to block and then

914
00:32:15,070 --> 00:32:16,990
be here to receive the rest. Right? And

915
00:32:16,990 --> 00:32:19,265
that that's such a healthier way

916
00:32:19,644 --> 00:32:22,785
to be to have protection with openness. Mhmm.

917
00:32:23,005 --> 00:32:24,845
Right? Mhmm. Yeah. What what I would say

918
00:32:24,845 --> 00:32:26,605
for the guys listening to this because it

919
00:32:26,605 --> 00:32:28,845
is and I see this over and over

920
00:32:28,845 --> 00:32:30,325
again. I did this in recovery. That's why

921
00:32:30,325 --> 00:32:31,744
I can speak to it so well.

922
00:32:32,630 --> 00:32:34,549
We're not telling you because again, guys are

923
00:32:34,549 --> 00:32:36,070
like, oh, I don't I don't wanna feel

924
00:32:36,070 --> 00:32:38,150
my emotions. I don't wanna express my emotions.

925
00:32:38,150 --> 00:32:39,590
I don't know what emotion you know, there's

926
00:32:39,590 --> 00:32:41,130
all this kind of

927
00:32:41,509 --> 00:32:43,670
stuff and baggage around it. Here's here's what

928
00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:45,284
I would tell everyone. They exist for a

929
00:32:45,284 --> 00:32:47,204
reason. So you got like, guys, especially the

930
00:32:47,204 --> 00:32:48,724
guys in my program, they want they want

931
00:32:48,724 --> 00:32:50,724
data, they want proof, they want a road

932
00:32:50,724 --> 00:32:53,125
map, they wanna know why. So here's what

933
00:32:53,125 --> 00:32:54,345
I would tell you guys.

934
00:32:55,044 --> 00:32:57,204
Your emotions matter and you guys are all

935
00:32:57,204 --> 00:32:59,690
about, like, biohacking and trying to find, like,

936
00:32:59,690 --> 00:33:01,630
the most efficient way to live your life.

937
00:33:01,930 --> 00:33:03,769
Guys, I I I don't think I can

938
00:33:03,769 --> 00:33:04,750
think of

939
00:33:06,490 --> 00:33:07,390
a more

940
00:33:07,769 --> 00:33:08,269
valuable

941
00:33:08,730 --> 00:33:09,230
tangible

942
00:33:09,690 --> 00:33:11,710
because because I I I consider emotions tangible.

943
00:33:11,930 --> 00:33:13,390
I know they're I know they're

944
00:33:13,904 --> 00:33:16,705
they I I know they're We experience them.

945
00:33:16,705 --> 00:33:18,144
We can't see them. Yeah. I know you

946
00:33:18,144 --> 00:33:19,984
can't see them, but I call them tangible

947
00:33:19,984 --> 00:33:22,164
because, I mean, they are you can describe

948
00:33:22,384 --> 00:33:25,265
them. They're very, very real. Whereas, you know,

949
00:33:25,265 --> 00:33:25,765
thoughts,

950
00:33:26,065 --> 00:33:26,565
beliefs,

951
00:33:27,299 --> 00:33:29,960
identity, that's not tangible. That's stuff like,

952
00:33:30,500 --> 00:33:31,859
we don't we don't know where it is.

953
00:33:31,859 --> 00:33:33,380
We don't really know how to articulate it.

954
00:33:33,380 --> 00:33:35,380
So that's why I'm I'm so anyways, back

955
00:33:35,380 --> 00:33:36,359
to what I was saying.

956
00:33:37,460 --> 00:33:37,960
Guys,

957
00:33:39,994 --> 00:33:41,534
you you need to care.

958
00:33:42,154 --> 00:33:44,315
If anybody is listening and you are doing

959
00:33:44,315 --> 00:33:46,414
breath work, journaling, cold plunging,

960
00:33:46,794 --> 00:33:47,934
or doing plant medicine,

961
00:33:48,474 --> 00:33:50,474
that's cool. I'm not saying all that stuff

962
00:33:50,474 --> 00:33:52,154
isn't cool. I use I do all that

963
00:33:52,154 --> 00:33:53,914
stuff too. So I'm not saying I'm not

964
00:33:53,914 --> 00:33:55,859
saying don't do it. What I'm what I

965
00:33:55,859 --> 00:33:56,839
am saying though

966
00:33:58,099 --> 00:34:01,240
is you will get a 100 x ROI

967
00:34:02,259 --> 00:34:05,220
by paying attention to what your emotions are

968
00:34:05,220 --> 00:34:07,220
telling you. Because all those other things that

969
00:34:07,220 --> 00:34:09,335
you're doing, if you look at the science

970
00:34:09,335 --> 00:34:10,694
behind a lot of these new kind of,

971
00:34:10,694 --> 00:34:12,934
like, biohacking different things that have got they're

972
00:34:12,934 --> 00:34:15,194
all helping you get better at,

973
00:34:15,894 --> 00:34:19,094
thinking, performing, dealing but but but again, it

974
00:34:19,094 --> 00:34:20,394
all revolves around

975
00:34:21,539 --> 00:34:23,140
finishing the job and what I mean by

976
00:34:23,140 --> 00:34:25,300
finishing the job is the emotions there, it's

977
00:34:25,300 --> 00:34:26,820
telling you a thing. If you guys are

978
00:34:26,820 --> 00:34:28,900
really as badass and as efficient as you're

979
00:34:28,900 --> 00:34:29,960
claiming to be,

980
00:34:30,660 --> 00:34:32,500
finish the job with the emotions. They are

981
00:34:32,500 --> 00:34:35,719
they are there is outstanding amounts of evidence

982
00:34:36,375 --> 00:34:39,414
wherever you look that emotions matter and they

983
00:34:39,414 --> 00:34:42,855
point to things. And for guys to ignore

984
00:34:42,855 --> 00:34:44,934
them, not pay attention to them, not become

985
00:34:44,934 --> 00:34:47,414
obsessed with how to resolve them, I banish

986
00:34:47,414 --> 00:34:49,594
you from jumping in your little cold plunge

987
00:34:49,655 --> 00:34:51,940
and claiming that you're this, like, and getting

988
00:34:51,940 --> 00:34:53,960
up at 4AM and doing your little

989
00:34:54,260 --> 00:34:57,059
whatever you're doing with your with your inner

990
00:34:57,059 --> 00:35:00,420
child meditation. That's all cool, but I banish

991
00:35:00,420 --> 00:35:01,860
you from doing any of that until you

992
00:35:01,860 --> 00:35:04,019
can feel your emotions and work with them,

993
00:35:04,019 --> 00:35:05,460
and then go back to all that badass

994
00:35:05,460 --> 00:35:06,519
stuff. Because, again,

995
00:35:06,844 --> 00:35:08,364
the emotions are a low hanging fruit in

996
00:35:08,364 --> 00:35:11,005
my opinion. Yeah. And and I think I

997
00:35:11,005 --> 00:35:12,605
would I would even add to this. I

998
00:35:12,605 --> 00:35:14,924
would tell all the men out there, it's

999
00:35:14,924 --> 00:35:16,525
it's time for you to be honest with

1000
00:35:16,525 --> 00:35:17,025
yourself.

1001
00:35:17,964 --> 00:35:18,844
Right? Because that's

1002
00:35:19,539 --> 00:35:22,579
because these these stories and these situations, they'll

1003
00:35:22,579 --> 00:35:25,299
just keep repeating themselves over and over again

1004
00:35:25,299 --> 00:35:26,759
in different ways. So

1005
00:35:27,139 --> 00:35:29,460
listen to your body, listen to your truth,

1006
00:35:29,460 --> 00:35:31,699
be in your power, and be brutally honest

1007
00:35:31,699 --> 00:35:32,359
with yourself.

1008
00:35:32,844 --> 00:35:34,925
And if you're in pain, and it could

1009
00:35:34,925 --> 00:35:37,244
be from a partner or something you did

1010
00:35:37,244 --> 00:35:37,905
to yourself

1011
00:35:38,445 --> 00:35:40,065
or to someone you care about,

1012
00:35:40,925 --> 00:35:43,585
ask for help, ask for support. Because

1013
00:35:44,445 --> 00:35:46,125
I I, you know, I always tell my

1014
00:35:46,125 --> 00:35:49,139
guys, like, to me, the bravest man,

1015
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:51,360
the strongest man isn't the one with the

1016
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:54,719
biggest muscles. It's the guy who understands his

1017
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:57,760
feelings, can articulate his feelings, is not afraid

1018
00:35:57,760 --> 00:35:58,659
of his feelings,

1019
00:35:59,119 --> 00:36:00,960
and sure the hell is willing to be

1020
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:02,960
in his truth no matter how messy it

1021
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:05,174
is. Mhmm. And to me, those are the

1022
00:36:05,174 --> 00:36:06,855
men I want in my life. Mhmm. Mhmm.

1023
00:36:06,855 --> 00:36:08,855
And that's how we get through this work.

1024
00:36:08,855 --> 00:36:10,234
Mhmm. That's how we heal.

1025
00:36:10,534 --> 00:36:12,054
Yeah. It's a it's a you know, the

1026
00:36:12,054 --> 00:36:12,554
emotion

1027
00:36:13,174 --> 00:36:14,534
you know, before we move on from this,

1028
00:36:14,534 --> 00:36:15,894
because I think as a I I know

1029
00:36:15,894 --> 00:36:17,255
we didn't intend to talk about this, but

1030
00:36:17,255 --> 00:36:18,179
I think it's a really,

1031
00:36:18,739 --> 00:36:20,420
fun topic, and I think you're really great

1032
00:36:20,420 --> 00:36:21,639
at talking about it. But,

1033
00:36:22,179 --> 00:36:23,699
you know, to me on the you know,

1034
00:36:23,699 --> 00:36:25,300
yes, we have sadness or,

1035
00:36:27,619 --> 00:36:28,119
helplessness

1036
00:36:28,659 --> 00:36:30,980
or okay. You pick the emotion. Right? And,

1037
00:36:30,980 --> 00:36:32,920
yes, I know the title of that emotion.

1038
00:36:33,380 --> 00:36:34,775
And I think this is why guys avoid

1039
00:36:34,775 --> 00:36:37,835
emotions. When we see helpless or depressed

1040
00:36:38,775 --> 00:36:40,775
or we look at that word and it's

1041
00:36:40,775 --> 00:36:42,775
like, oh, oh, hell no. I don't wanna

1042
00:36:42,775 --> 00:36:44,535
be I don't wanna be a guy who

1043
00:36:44,535 --> 00:36:46,535
feels that. And then we and then we

1044
00:36:46,535 --> 00:36:48,639
bolt. But here's the thing. Just just everyone

1045
00:36:48,639 --> 00:36:50,960
entertain this for a second. Okay. Yes. It's

1046
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:52,099
spitting out this

1047
00:36:52,639 --> 00:36:55,219
unpleasant emotion that you have categorized as,

1048
00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:58,239
weak or feminine or whatever it is that

1049
00:36:58,239 --> 00:37:00,414
you're you're labeling it as. Here's the thing

1050
00:37:00,414 --> 00:37:02,654
though, just go one step back from that.

1051
00:37:02,654 --> 00:37:04,894
How did your body feel why why do

1052
00:37:04,894 --> 00:37:05,554
you feel

1053
00:37:05,855 --> 00:37:07,614
why do you why do you feel behind?

1054
00:37:07,614 --> 00:37:09,694
Why do you feel less than? Why do

1055
00:37:09,694 --> 00:37:10,674
you feel inadequate?

1056
00:37:10,974 --> 00:37:12,815
Like I said, those nasty emotions that you

1057
00:37:12,815 --> 00:37:14,335
go to judge, if we go right before

1058
00:37:14,335 --> 00:37:16,150
that and you look at the belief system,

1059
00:37:16,610 --> 00:37:18,289
that you you guys should really take an

1060
00:37:18,289 --> 00:37:20,710
interest in that because if you are believing,

1061
00:37:22,450 --> 00:37:25,329
a belief set that is constantly making you

1062
00:37:25,329 --> 00:37:27,730
end every day with feeling less than and

1063
00:37:27,730 --> 00:37:28,230
behind,

1064
00:37:29,054 --> 00:37:32,275
that is harming your potential and your performance

1065
00:37:32,335 --> 00:37:34,835
because you have some measure that is,

1066
00:37:36,014 --> 00:37:38,494
I would say probably inaccurate. If you're finishing

1067
00:37:38,494 --> 00:37:41,375
every day behind and judging yourself for how

1068
00:37:41,375 --> 00:37:42,514
poorly you performed,

1069
00:37:43,710 --> 00:37:47,070
you gotta fix whatever that measurement tool is

1070
00:37:47,070 --> 00:37:48,369
because regardless,

1071
00:37:48,670 --> 00:37:50,989
may maybe you're not as, you know, doing

1072
00:37:50,989 --> 00:37:52,750
as much as you wish you were. I

1073
00:37:52,750 --> 00:37:54,989
can assure you this, ending every day feeling

1074
00:37:54,989 --> 00:37:57,010
that way is going to harm your ability

1075
00:37:57,150 --> 00:37:59,474
to be able to perform at this level

1076
00:37:59,474 --> 00:38:01,555
that you are desiring to perform. So I

1077
00:38:01,555 --> 00:38:02,994
just you know, before we wrap that up,

1078
00:38:02,994 --> 00:38:04,835
I just wanna show guys, like, okay. Yes.

1079
00:38:04,835 --> 00:38:06,195
You can judge the emotion at the end

1080
00:38:06,195 --> 00:38:07,575
of it and maybe say it's

1081
00:38:08,115 --> 00:38:11,255
childish, feminine, weak, whatever. But like I said,

1082
00:38:11,660 --> 00:38:13,180
stop judging it. I don't know why. There's

1083
00:38:13,180 --> 00:38:15,820
there's zero benefit to labeling it. Just go

1084
00:38:15,820 --> 00:38:18,140
back and ask yourself why is this here.

1085
00:38:18,140 --> 00:38:20,300
Because, again, it's it's to me, you wanna

1086
00:38:20,300 --> 00:38:20,800
biohack?

1087
00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:23,500
What I have learned doing my somatic work

1088
00:38:23,500 --> 00:38:25,280
and learning how to feel my feelings,

1089
00:38:25,755 --> 00:38:27,835
Brother, there's I actually do wanna I've told

1090
00:38:27,835 --> 00:38:29,194
this story before, but I wanna say it

1091
00:38:29,194 --> 00:38:30,795
again because it's so cool. It takes me

1092
00:38:30,795 --> 00:38:33,034
thirty seconds to say. My wife got triggered

1093
00:38:33,034 --> 00:38:34,875
at the gym. There's a woman who was

1094
00:38:34,875 --> 00:38:37,194
pretty aggressively checking me out, and I and

1095
00:38:37,194 --> 00:38:39,194
I saw and, like, normally, that doesn't happen.

1096
00:38:39,194 --> 00:38:41,170
I would say women are women are very,

1097
00:38:41,170 --> 00:38:43,489
very sneaky about it. If if not, they

1098
00:38:43,489 --> 00:38:45,090
don't do it at all. Right? But this

1099
00:38:45,090 --> 00:38:47,329
was not that case. This was happening. It

1100
00:38:47,329 --> 00:38:48,309
was very obvious,

1101
00:38:49,570 --> 00:38:52,449
and I knew it. And so my somatic

1102
00:38:52,449 --> 00:38:54,684
experience there stopped me though. As And I

1103
00:38:54,684 --> 00:38:56,284
was we weren't even doing the work, I

1104
00:38:56,284 --> 00:38:58,444
was just framing the situation. She goes, hold

1105
00:38:58,444 --> 00:39:00,684
on, hold on, stop. She goes, how did

1106
00:39:00,684 --> 00:39:01,505
you know

1107
00:39:02,045 --> 00:39:03,964
your wife was gonna be activated by that?

1108
00:39:03,964 --> 00:39:05,164
Because my wife wasn't even in the room

1109
00:39:05,164 --> 00:39:06,364
yet and I already knew. I was like,

1110
00:39:06,364 --> 00:39:07,804
uh-oh, this is I need to go on

1111
00:39:07,804 --> 00:39:09,405
a different piece of equipment. This isn't gonna

1112
00:39:09,405 --> 00:39:10,849
be good. And she stopped me and she

1113
00:39:10,849 --> 00:39:11,242
go, woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah.

1114
00:39:11,242 --> 00:39:11,339
Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah.

1115
00:39:11,339 --> 00:39:11,436
Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah.

1116
00:39:11,436 --> 00:39:11,533
Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah.

1117
00:39:11,533 --> 00:39:12,320
Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Wo

1118
00:39:22,335 --> 00:39:25,295
I wonder how many things in my body

1119
00:39:25,295 --> 00:39:26,034
are happening

1120
00:39:26,815 --> 00:39:28,755
all day every day informing

1121
00:39:29,054 --> 00:39:32,014
me about how to protect my wife, how

1122
00:39:32,014 --> 00:39:34,139
to protect myself, how to, you know, how

1123
00:39:34,139 --> 00:39:36,139
many of these subtle cues because of my

1124
00:39:36,139 --> 00:39:38,299
business brain am I not listening to? So

1125
00:39:38,299 --> 00:39:39,579
anyways, I just I don't know how we

1126
00:39:39,579 --> 00:39:41,500
got on that topic, but I've That's I'm

1127
00:39:41,500 --> 00:39:42,699
I'm I wanna say this to all the

1128
00:39:42,699 --> 00:39:44,940
guys listening. If you are not feeling emotions

1129
00:39:44,940 --> 00:39:47,019
or you're not taking feeling emotions seriously and

1130
00:39:47,019 --> 00:39:49,014
you're not trying to feel them, guys, I'll

1131
00:39:49,014 --> 00:39:50,954
tell all you, you are missing out. I've

1132
00:39:51,735 --> 00:39:54,454
me tapping into how I feel has has

1133
00:39:54,454 --> 00:39:57,034
been the number one thing I have done

1134
00:39:57,255 --> 00:39:58,934
in my life that has led me to

1135
00:39:58,934 --> 00:39:59,994
the most positive,

1136
00:40:00,695 --> 00:40:02,775
revenue production too, like, all things, you know,

1137
00:40:02,775 --> 00:40:05,030
just, yes, improve my relationship, but also

1138
00:40:05,410 --> 00:40:07,489
making more money. Right? I'm I'm I'm picking

1139
00:40:07,489 --> 00:40:09,809
up on cues that I normally wouldn't have

1140
00:40:09,809 --> 00:40:11,650
picked up on now that I'm taking my

1141
00:40:11,650 --> 00:40:13,750
emotions very seriously. Yeah. Well,

1142
00:40:14,050 --> 00:40:15,890
to add on to that, I don't I

1143
00:40:15,890 --> 00:40:17,864
don't know how you can be in your

1144
00:40:17,864 --> 00:40:20,585
authentic self without that. True that. Yeah. True

1145
00:40:20,585 --> 00:40:23,164
that. Right. And and and often I see

1146
00:40:23,704 --> 00:40:26,264
when I have clarity in my life, when

1147
00:40:26,264 --> 00:40:28,344
I'm in my truth. Right? This goes with

1148
00:40:28,344 --> 00:40:31,440
betrayal, with sex addiction, whatever. When whatever we

1149
00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:32,639
wanna call it, self

1150
00:40:33,039 --> 00:40:35,859
sexual compulsivity, all those things. Like,

1151
00:40:36,159 --> 00:40:38,079
when I'm in my truth, when I'm in

1152
00:40:38,079 --> 00:40:38,900
my power,

1153
00:40:39,359 --> 00:40:40,320
when I'm being

1154
00:40:40,639 --> 00:40:42,739
when I'm accountable and in integrity,

1155
00:40:43,835 --> 00:40:46,394
life flows so much better. And that and

1156
00:40:46,394 --> 00:40:48,554
and that goes with how I'm treating my

1157
00:40:48,554 --> 00:40:50,875
partner, how my partner treats me again, how

1158
00:40:50,875 --> 00:40:53,835
I'm doing boundaries, how I'm showing up. Right?

1159
00:40:53,835 --> 00:40:56,494
It's it's I I can rediscover

1160
00:40:56,795 --> 00:40:57,534
my values

1161
00:40:58,059 --> 00:40:59,119
and my passions

1162
00:40:59,739 --> 00:41:02,139
and those parts of me that are in

1163
00:41:02,139 --> 00:41:04,219
shadow, like, you are kind of alluding to.

1164
00:41:04,219 --> 00:41:06,380
Right? And if they're in shadow, they're gonna

1165
00:41:06,380 --> 00:41:08,960
trip you up every time. I guarantee it.

1166
00:41:09,179 --> 00:41:12,319
And for everybody listening, you've probably have noticed

1167
00:41:12,460 --> 00:41:12,779
that,

1168
00:41:13,835 --> 00:41:15,755
I bring a guest on. We have a

1169
00:41:15,755 --> 00:41:18,074
topic of discussion and you probably We're not

1170
00:41:18,074 --> 00:41:20,714
there. Well, you probably noticed that and this

1171
00:41:20,714 --> 00:41:23,114
happens every time. But but here's why here's

1172
00:41:23,114 --> 00:41:25,054
what I wanna tell all the listeners is

1173
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:26,219
in the

1174
00:41:26,599 --> 00:41:28,599
end, you can call it whatever you wanna

1175
00:41:28,599 --> 00:41:30,460
call it. Again, sex addiction, betrayal,

1176
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:31,980
compulsive behaviors

1177
00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:33,260
All that stuff.

1178
00:41:33,800 --> 00:41:36,199
You know, pain, trauma. We can say all

1179
00:41:36,199 --> 00:41:38,119
the words, but I think the reason I

1180
00:41:38,119 --> 00:41:40,039
think every time I bring a guest on,

1181
00:41:40,039 --> 00:41:41,260
it comes back

1182
00:41:42,464 --> 00:41:43,045
to humanity

1183
00:41:43,424 --> 00:41:45,664
every time. I just had a gal I

1184
00:41:45,664 --> 00:41:47,505
just had a gal right before you and

1185
00:41:47,505 --> 00:41:49,605
I met who I, interviewed,

1186
00:41:50,224 --> 00:41:53,125
and hers was something about a very specific

1187
00:41:53,344 --> 00:41:56,650
neurological brain thing that she does. Very, very

1188
00:41:56,650 --> 00:41:58,590
specific. But where did the conversation go?

1189
00:41:59,210 --> 00:42:01,369
To exactly this and they always go there.

1190
00:42:01,369 --> 00:42:02,889
And I think I just wanted to highlight

1191
00:42:02,889 --> 00:42:04,909
this, Adam, for every listening is,

1192
00:42:06,329 --> 00:42:08,250
I know sometimes this might seem like a

1193
00:42:08,250 --> 00:42:10,010
broken record or like, oh gosh, he's got

1194
00:42:10,170 --> 00:42:11,309
but in the end,

1195
00:42:11,664 --> 00:42:14,464
it's because we can talk in circles about

1196
00:42:14,464 --> 00:42:16,784
porn and sex forever. But in the end,

1197
00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:18,164
this comes back to

1198
00:42:18,784 --> 00:42:20,324
violating tried and true

1199
00:42:20,625 --> 00:42:22,784
human existence. You know, when you don't feel

1200
00:42:22,784 --> 00:42:23,684
your emotions,

1201
00:42:24,019 --> 00:42:25,699
there's a side effect that's gonna happen to

1202
00:42:25,699 --> 00:42:27,219
that. It might not be sex, porn, addiction,

1203
00:42:27,219 --> 00:42:29,699
and betrayal, but there's gonna be something that'll

1204
00:42:29,699 --> 00:42:31,940
happen, as a side effect. You can't you

1205
00:42:31,940 --> 00:42:33,800
can't cut off your humanity

1206
00:42:34,179 --> 00:42:36,579
without having something be affected on the other

1207
00:42:36,579 --> 00:42:38,119
side. I think that's why,

1208
00:42:38,715 --> 00:42:40,235
you know, guys are often like, hey. Hey.

1209
00:42:40,235 --> 00:42:41,755
Let's just let's let's let's cut to the

1210
00:42:41,755 --> 00:42:43,434
chase here. Let's talk about my sex addiction,

1211
00:42:43,434 --> 00:42:44,954
my porn addiction. Right? Like, that's I don't

1212
00:42:44,954 --> 00:42:46,394
need you to help me with all this

1213
00:42:46,394 --> 00:42:48,315
other childhood stuff. I need to just fix

1214
00:42:48,315 --> 00:42:49,515
this so I can carry on with my

1215
00:42:49,515 --> 00:42:50,015
life.

1216
00:42:50,715 --> 00:42:52,555
You know, again, all of these

1217
00:42:53,500 --> 00:42:54,880
let me say it this way, Adam.

1218
00:42:55,260 --> 00:42:55,760
Humans,

1219
00:42:56,140 --> 00:42:56,640
when

1220
00:42:56,940 --> 00:42:59,519
not messed up by bad advice,

1221
00:43:01,099 --> 00:43:01,599
experiences

1222
00:43:01,900 --> 00:43:04,140
that were not accurately explained to them or

1223
00:43:04,140 --> 00:43:04,880
or therapeutically

1224
00:43:05,180 --> 00:43:05,680
resolved,

1225
00:43:06,924 --> 00:43:07,664
you know, a

1226
00:43:08,525 --> 00:43:09,264
lifelong history

1227
00:43:09,804 --> 00:43:11,105
of this stuff happening

1228
00:43:11,644 --> 00:43:14,284
starts messing with the person's psychology, and now

1229
00:43:14,284 --> 00:43:14,764
there's,

1230
00:43:15,085 --> 00:43:18,284
pathological or disruptive or unwanted behaviors occurring. But

1231
00:43:18,284 --> 00:43:19,565
I think if you go all the way

1232
00:43:19,565 --> 00:43:21,339
back, and this is why your therapists are

1233
00:43:21,339 --> 00:43:23,179
always encouraging you guys to do your inner

1234
00:43:23,179 --> 00:43:25,739
child work and trauma is, you know, I

1235
00:43:25,739 --> 00:43:27,579
know guys are often annoyed by all that

1236
00:43:27,579 --> 00:43:29,179
all that shit, but here's why they do

1237
00:43:29,179 --> 00:43:31,019
it is there was once a version of

1238
00:43:31,019 --> 00:43:34,000
you that wasn't gonna hire a prostitute to

1239
00:43:34,514 --> 00:43:36,194
have sex with them. Right. Right? I mean,

1240
00:43:36,194 --> 00:43:37,875
you weren't there was once a version of

1241
00:43:37,875 --> 00:43:39,714
you that would never say the things that

1242
00:43:39,714 --> 00:43:41,474
you have now said to your wife out

1243
00:43:41,474 --> 00:43:42,914
of anger. There was once a version of

1244
00:43:42,914 --> 00:43:44,275
you, like, that's the that's why we call

1245
00:43:44,275 --> 00:43:46,114
it recovery is it's like, hey, let's get

1246
00:43:46,114 --> 00:43:46,530
back

1247
00:43:47,010 --> 00:43:49,329
to that version of you that was nice

1248
00:43:49,329 --> 00:43:51,190
to everyone and did not assume

1249
00:43:51,489 --> 00:43:53,250
that everyone was out to get them, that

1250
00:43:53,250 --> 00:43:55,090
the world can't be trusted, that it's every

1251
00:43:55,090 --> 00:43:57,170
man for himself, that I have no inherent

1252
00:43:57,170 --> 00:43:59,204
value unless I you know, there was once

1253
00:43:59,204 --> 00:44:01,244
a version of you that didn't feel the

1254
00:44:01,244 --> 00:44:02,925
need to make millions and millions and millions

1255
00:44:02,925 --> 00:44:04,844
of dollars to be liked. He just went

1256
00:44:04,844 --> 00:44:06,684
to school and assumed that everyone's gonna like

1257
00:44:06,684 --> 00:44:08,364
him because he's a person. So it's like,

1258
00:44:08,364 --> 00:44:10,045
how can we get back to that and

1259
00:44:10,045 --> 00:44:12,605
then remember that that kid was actually right

1260
00:44:12,605 --> 00:44:14,579
and that all the adults are wrong? Yeah.

1261
00:44:14,579 --> 00:44:16,920
And actually that part's still in you somewhere.

1262
00:44:17,300 --> 00:44:19,059
Yeah. Of course. It's never lost. They call

1263
00:44:19,059 --> 00:44:20,500
it this the Buddhist call it the sun

1264
00:44:20,500 --> 00:44:22,260
behind the clouds. Right? You know? It's Yeah.

1265
00:44:22,420 --> 00:44:25,059
It's still there. It's cloudy. It's always yeah.

1266
00:44:25,059 --> 00:44:27,434
It's always there. So Yeah. So let's let's

1267
00:44:27,434 --> 00:44:28,974
let's wrap this up with,

1268
00:44:29,675 --> 00:44:31,295
let's wrap this up with

1269
00:44:32,394 --> 00:44:35,355
your your big blind spot. When you got

1270
00:44:35,355 --> 00:44:37,675
into this work and you wrote the book,

1271
00:44:37,675 --> 00:44:40,155
every author writes a book because there is

1272
00:44:40,155 --> 00:44:41,675
a blind spot. None of us just write

1273
00:44:41,675 --> 00:44:43,570
a book if all the blind spots have

1274
00:44:43,570 --> 00:44:45,329
already been covered. That's never what an author

1275
00:44:45,329 --> 00:44:47,089
do. They write the book because they feel

1276
00:44:47,089 --> 00:44:49,889
like there's something that has not been said

1277
00:44:49,889 --> 00:44:51,489
in the way that you can say it.

1278
00:44:51,489 --> 00:44:53,030
I want you to tell the audience

1279
00:44:53,329 --> 00:44:55,170
where did this passion come from when you

1280
00:44:55,170 --> 00:44:57,750
wanted to bring this work to the world.

1281
00:44:57,945 --> 00:45:00,605
Yeah. It's a great question. So

1282
00:45:01,465 --> 00:45:02,525
the truth is

1283
00:45:03,144 --> 00:45:05,945
I'm just just kinda pissed. I was pissed

1284
00:45:05,945 --> 00:45:07,244
because I think men

1285
00:45:07,785 --> 00:45:09,545
I think when it comes to our mental

1286
00:45:09,545 --> 00:45:11,385
health and our feelings, we get the short

1287
00:45:11,385 --> 00:45:12,445
end of the stick.

1288
00:45:12,920 --> 00:45:15,180
I don't think we're supported. I think

1289
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:17,660
I think there's all kinds of expectations

1290
00:45:18,039 --> 00:45:18,700
on us.

1291
00:45:19,239 --> 00:45:21,160
I was pissed that when I went through

1292
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:23,000
it, I was I looked up for books

1293
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:24,680
and I bought books and all it talked

1294
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:25,579
about was

1295
00:45:25,925 --> 00:45:27,304
the man being the cheater.

1296
00:45:28,484 --> 00:45:30,324
I was pissed even we were just at

1297
00:45:30,324 --> 00:45:32,324
the ITAP and a couple things I was

1298
00:45:32,324 --> 00:45:34,085
in, and they're like, and for lack of

1299
00:45:34,085 --> 00:45:35,764
blah blah blah, we're gonna say the man's

1300
00:45:35,764 --> 00:45:37,364
the cheater. And I was just like, man,

1301
00:45:37,364 --> 00:45:39,609
this shit's still going on Mhmm. Like, in

1302
00:45:39,609 --> 00:45:43,130
my profession. Right? So I'm pissed. And I

1303
00:45:43,130 --> 00:45:44,989
think men need to have a voice,

1304
00:45:45,449 --> 00:45:47,210
and I think it and I want men

1305
00:45:48,170 --> 00:45:49,530
I I just the other part is I

1306
00:45:49,530 --> 00:45:51,849
hate the shame. Like, telling my story, I

1307
00:45:51,849 --> 00:45:53,929
was scared putting some of my stuff in

1308
00:45:53,929 --> 00:45:56,614
the book. Right? Exposing myself, if you will,

1309
00:45:56,614 --> 00:45:58,474
to the world of what I went through.

1310
00:46:00,135 --> 00:46:01,735
And and what I learned from that is

1311
00:46:01,735 --> 00:46:04,155
I have nothing to be ashamed of. Mhmm.

1312
00:46:04,454 --> 00:46:06,295
And you you brought it up at the

1313
00:46:06,295 --> 00:46:07,755
beginning. Like, statistically,

1314
00:46:09,014 --> 00:46:09,675
I think

1315
00:46:10,340 --> 00:46:12,420
I think it's almost fifty fifty. I think

1316
00:46:12,420 --> 00:46:14,820
almost as many men are cheated on as

1317
00:46:14,820 --> 00:46:15,320
women.

1318
00:46:15,619 --> 00:46:18,039
Just men don't report it. And

1319
00:46:18,340 --> 00:46:19,159
the industry,

1320
00:46:19,699 --> 00:46:21,219
I'm gonna say in many ways, I don't

1321
00:46:21,219 --> 00:46:23,619
think the industry cares. Mhmm. But that's my

1322
00:46:23,619 --> 00:46:26,144
mission, man. I'm on a mission, and I

1323
00:46:26,144 --> 00:46:27,824
I want men to know that it it

1324
00:46:27,824 --> 00:46:29,765
doesn't make you less of a man. Actually,

1325
00:46:29,985 --> 00:46:31,985
I'm gonna challenge guys out there to tell

1326
00:46:31,985 --> 00:46:33,585
you, I think it makes you more of

1327
00:46:33,585 --> 00:46:35,184
a man to admit that you went through

1328
00:46:35,184 --> 00:46:37,344
that and to admit that you know you

1329
00:46:37,344 --> 00:46:39,760
deserve better, you deserve to be loved, you

1330
00:46:39,760 --> 00:46:41,839
deserve to be adored, you deserve to be

1331
00:46:41,839 --> 00:46:42,339
respected,

1332
00:46:42,719 --> 00:46:44,239
and you deserve to have a partner that

1333
00:46:44,239 --> 00:46:46,159
does the same. And just because this happened

1334
00:46:46,159 --> 00:46:48,559
to you doesn't mean it'll happen again. Actually,

1335
00:46:48,559 --> 00:46:50,000
my guess is and what I know I've

1336
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:51,380
experienced when I'm remarried

1337
00:46:51,679 --> 00:46:53,045
is is I think it's gonna be and

1338
00:46:53,045 --> 00:46:55,284
it is the total opposite. Mhmm. And you

1339
00:46:55,284 --> 00:46:57,704
you met my wife. Mhmm. And so

1340
00:46:58,565 --> 00:47:00,964
that's it. That's my mission. That's why I

1341
00:47:00,964 --> 00:47:02,885
wrote this book. Mhmm. Yeah. It's my it's

1342
00:47:02,885 --> 00:47:04,984
my mission too. I just I I

1343
00:47:05,284 --> 00:47:06,105
I believe,

1344
00:47:06,519 --> 00:47:09,019
yes, men, but more even more so successful

1345
00:47:09,239 --> 00:47:10,619
men get screwed.

1346
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:12,780
Everyone looks at them and,

1347
00:47:13,239 --> 00:47:14,760
there is there's there's a there's a lot

1348
00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:15,420
of disdain

1349
00:47:16,119 --> 00:47:17,180
and resentment

1350
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:19,980
towards successful men from,

1351
00:47:21,864 --> 00:47:23,964
especially when a woman gets betrayed,

1352
00:47:24,344 --> 00:47:26,605
there is an extra level of

1353
00:47:27,224 --> 00:47:27,724
animosity

1354
00:47:28,424 --> 00:47:32,025
towards wealthy, successful, entitled men. And I get

1355
00:47:32,025 --> 00:47:33,609
it. I I I I understand. I'm not

1356
00:47:33,609 --> 00:47:35,690
I'm not saying I I I get why

1357
00:47:35,690 --> 00:47:36,989
they're doing that.

1358
00:47:37,690 --> 00:47:39,849
Here's my here's my rebuttal and why I

1359
00:47:39,849 --> 00:47:40,989
wrote the book is,

1360
00:47:41,849 --> 00:47:43,150
what made them that way?

1361
00:47:44,329 --> 00:47:46,010
Like, that's the thing is it's a you

1362
00:47:46,010 --> 00:47:47,530
know, we do that, you know, and it

1363
00:47:47,530 --> 00:47:49,664
and it drives me crazy with successful men

1364
00:47:49,664 --> 00:47:50,164
because

1365
00:47:50,465 --> 00:47:50,965
we

1366
00:47:51,664 --> 00:47:53,204
we are sensitive towards

1367
00:47:54,465 --> 00:47:56,945
all these different cultures because we know that,

1368
00:47:56,945 --> 00:47:58,864
hey, maybe a lot of the reason that

1369
00:47:58,864 --> 00:48:00,545
the things that they're doing, we might not

1370
00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:02,489
like it, but the reason they're doing it

1371
00:48:02,489 --> 00:48:04,410
is there there's there's reasons for it, and

1372
00:48:04,410 --> 00:48:06,030
it's not necessarily their fault.

1373
00:48:06,489 --> 00:48:07,690
We still don't like it and we would

1374
00:48:07,690 --> 00:48:08,890
like it to stop, but it's not their

1375
00:48:08,890 --> 00:48:10,730
fault. Right? And we're so sensitive to this

1376
00:48:10,730 --> 00:48:13,070
for these individuals, but not with successful men.

1377
00:48:13,210 --> 00:48:15,530
And it's because, yeah, typically, they're, you know,

1378
00:48:15,530 --> 00:48:16,269
they're they're charismatic.

1379
00:48:17,085 --> 00:48:18,465
Yeah. They're getting more money.

1380
00:48:19,005 --> 00:48:21,244
Yeah. Exactly. It's easy to be like, oh,

1381
00:48:21,244 --> 00:48:22,844
that guy doesn't need help. Look at his

1382
00:48:22,844 --> 00:48:24,864
look at his life. Yeah. The irony is

1383
00:48:25,324 --> 00:48:26,925
every actually, I'm not gonna say every, but

1384
00:48:26,925 --> 00:48:28,045
I will say this, and I'm gonna I'm

1385
00:48:28,045 --> 00:48:30,059
gonna I'm gonna confidently say 99.

1386
00:48:30,219 --> 00:48:32,860
Ninety nine out of a hundred successful men

1387
00:48:32,860 --> 00:48:35,180
are fucked up beyond I mean, they they

1388
00:48:35,180 --> 00:48:37,599
don't trust people. They are

1389
00:48:38,300 --> 00:48:40,619
addicted to performance based. They if they were

1390
00:48:40,619 --> 00:48:42,974
not performing, they would not be okay. They

1391
00:48:43,135 --> 00:48:44,655
would literally not be okay. They would be

1392
00:48:44,655 --> 00:48:46,255
depressed. They might even then take their own

1393
00:48:46,255 --> 00:48:47,855
life. I mean, they just they are they

1394
00:48:47,934 --> 00:48:49,775
I don't think I don't think successful men

1395
00:48:49,775 --> 00:48:50,815
know how sick they are and I don't

1396
00:48:50,815 --> 00:48:52,815
think the public knows how sick they are.

1397
00:48:52,815 --> 00:48:55,235
And I think we need to be

1398
00:48:55,614 --> 00:48:57,635
curious and full of grace

1399
00:48:58,539 --> 00:49:00,539
around them because and I think here's here's

1400
00:49:00,539 --> 00:49:02,219
the main reason I wrote the book is

1401
00:49:02,219 --> 00:49:04,559
these men also don't want you to know

1402
00:49:04,940 --> 00:49:07,599
how weak and sad they are. And so

1403
00:49:07,659 --> 00:49:10,965
they are actively pushing you away. And by

1404
00:49:10,965 --> 00:49:13,605
you letting them push you away, you are

1405
00:49:13,605 --> 00:49:16,005
facilitating the very problem that you hate. That's

1406
00:49:16,005 --> 00:49:17,765
why I wrote my book is, listen, I

1407
00:49:17,765 --> 00:49:19,785
know you're calling all these guys names

1408
00:49:20,325 --> 00:49:22,025
and whatever, but in the end,

1409
00:49:22,780 --> 00:49:23,840
you are literally

1410
00:49:24,220 --> 00:49:26,460
giving them what they want and making it

1411
00:49:26,460 --> 00:49:28,220
worse. You know how to, you know how

1412
00:49:28,220 --> 00:49:29,660
to, you know, you know what to do

1413
00:49:29,660 --> 00:49:30,480
with these guys?

1414
00:49:31,180 --> 00:49:32,160
Give them a hug.

1415
00:49:32,780 --> 00:49:34,160
Give them a hug, listen.

1416
00:49:35,324 --> 00:49:37,005
A hug. Same thing. Yeah. Same thing to

1417
00:49:37,005 --> 00:49:39,164
do for everybody. Hug up and listen. We

1418
00:49:39,324 --> 00:49:41,324
listen. We all believe the same. We all

1419
00:49:41,324 --> 00:49:43,644
hurt the same, and it's those yeah. Yeah.

1420
00:49:43,644 --> 00:49:45,324
Just because they got money doesn't mean they're

1421
00:49:45,324 --> 00:49:47,244
any different than anybody else. Right? Yeah. So

1422
00:49:47,405 --> 00:49:49,405
And actually, sometimes that money, like you were

1423
00:49:49,405 --> 00:49:50,605
saying, and I see it with some of

1424
00:49:50,605 --> 00:49:51,105
my

1425
00:49:51,460 --> 00:49:54,260
my clients that, you know, higher wealth men

1426
00:49:54,260 --> 00:49:56,980
that I work with, they it even creates

1427
00:49:56,980 --> 00:49:59,140
more walls and more shame and more Yeah.

1428
00:49:59,219 --> 00:50:00,039
And more extra

1429
00:50:00,660 --> 00:50:02,260
not allowed to have problems. Right? That's the

1430
00:50:02,260 --> 00:50:04,579
problem. Well, no. You have your shit together.

1431
00:50:04,579 --> 00:50:06,815
Right? You you right? And it just doesn't

1432
00:50:06,894 --> 00:50:08,194
look. At the end of the day,

1433
00:50:09,135 --> 00:50:11,375
men are men. And and and that's why

1434
00:50:11,375 --> 00:50:13,855
I'm so passionate about men's work and helping

1435
00:50:13,855 --> 00:50:14,594
men heal.

1436
00:50:15,135 --> 00:50:16,815
It's a it's a I I I have

1437
00:50:16,815 --> 00:50:18,434
a feeling we're gonna do

1438
00:50:18,734 --> 00:50:20,675
more episodes on this because,

1439
00:50:23,079 --> 00:50:24,920
you know, again, for everybody listening, whether you've

1440
00:50:24,920 --> 00:50:27,480
been cheated on or not, what what you

1441
00:50:27,480 --> 00:50:30,360
will find with recovery work both with addicts

1442
00:50:30,360 --> 00:50:32,380
and betrayed people is

1443
00:50:32,679 --> 00:50:34,679
in the end, like, I know there's all

1444
00:50:34,679 --> 00:50:36,219
these specialists and certifications.

1445
00:50:37,755 --> 00:50:38,255
Guys,

1446
00:50:38,954 --> 00:50:41,835
in the end, we're humans and people and

1447
00:50:41,835 --> 00:50:43,775
I don't I think sometimes we overspecialize

1448
00:50:44,795 --> 00:50:46,554
this in the end. It's a bunch of

1449
00:50:46,554 --> 00:50:47,775
sad people with needs

1450
00:50:48,155 --> 00:50:49,930
who are just trying to do the freaking

1451
00:50:49,930 --> 00:50:52,410
best they can. And sometimes they cheat, sometimes

1452
00:50:52,410 --> 00:50:54,010
they get cheated on. And if they aren't

1453
00:50:54,010 --> 00:50:55,869
cheaters or being cheated on,

1454
00:50:56,170 --> 00:50:57,769
they might be doing something else. But I

1455
00:50:57,769 --> 00:50:59,610
mean, you know, to me, I think sometimes

1456
00:50:59,610 --> 00:51:01,849
we look at cheaters and betray people as

1457
00:51:01,849 --> 00:51:03,710
extra special. And there is definitely

1458
00:51:04,090 --> 00:51:06,295
a level to this trauma that is that

1459
00:51:06,295 --> 00:51:07,695
is higher than a lot. I'm I'll definitely

1460
00:51:07,894 --> 00:51:09,494
I'll give you that. I think what my

1461
00:51:09,494 --> 00:51:10,855
wife has gone through, I don't know if

1462
00:51:10,855 --> 00:51:11,594
I've seen

1463
00:51:12,295 --> 00:51:15,094
anyone that I've known go through what these

1464
00:51:15,094 --> 00:51:18,055
betrayed people are going through. But at the

1465
00:51:18,055 --> 00:51:18,795
same time,

1466
00:51:19,280 --> 00:51:21,599
it really I think I I think if

1467
00:51:21,599 --> 00:51:24,000
we over specialize that I think we missed

1468
00:51:24,000 --> 00:51:26,239
the point. In the end, it's just people

1469
00:51:26,239 --> 00:51:28,559
trying the best they can and, we have

1470
00:51:28,559 --> 00:51:30,480
a lot more in common than we don't

1471
00:51:30,480 --> 00:51:32,400
have in common. There was a study that

1472
00:51:32,400 --> 00:51:34,335
did that. Right? It was like they asked

1473
00:51:34,335 --> 00:51:36,894
these people these surveys and every question was

1474
00:51:36,894 --> 00:51:39,454
polarized opposites. And those are the first 12

1475
00:51:39,454 --> 00:51:41,954
questions. And then the last 12 questions were,

1476
00:51:42,335 --> 00:51:44,255
just around, like, humanity and,

1477
00:51:44,815 --> 00:51:46,355
just just being people.

1478
00:51:46,655 --> 00:51:47,155
And,

1479
00:51:47,695 --> 00:51:48,994
the people who are polarized,

1480
00:51:49,910 --> 00:51:51,829
everyone answered the same when we got down

1481
00:51:51,829 --> 00:51:53,670
to the humanity piece. And it was a

1482
00:51:53,670 --> 00:51:55,769
cool survey because it's basically just showing

1483
00:51:56,150 --> 00:51:57,910
Validates. We have more in common than we

1484
00:51:57,910 --> 00:52:00,070
don't have in common. Yeah. Personally. Hey, Adam.

1485
00:52:00,789 --> 00:52:03,510
How do people find you if, they and

1486
00:52:03,510 --> 00:52:05,785
again, guys, I wanna encourage everybody listening to

1487
00:52:05,785 --> 00:52:08,344
this. If you guy guys know of a

1488
00:52:08,344 --> 00:52:10,045
guy who was cheated on,

1489
00:52:10,585 --> 00:52:13,385
it doesn't hurt to send Adam's website to

1490
00:52:13,385 --> 00:52:15,085
the to the person. You you,

1491
00:52:16,184 --> 00:52:17,739
the guy is not gonna reach out. So

1492
00:52:17,739 --> 00:52:20,780
I'm counting on everybody listening to send Adam's

1493
00:52:20,780 --> 00:52:23,340
website because the guy who needs this isn't

1494
00:52:23,340 --> 00:52:25,099
gonna do it. That's just what guys do.

1495
00:52:25,099 --> 00:52:27,260
Well, I won't say he won't. 99 out

1496
00:52:27,260 --> 00:52:28,700
of a 100 of them will not. So

1497
00:52:28,700 --> 00:52:29,920
they are counting on

1498
00:52:30,335 --> 00:52:32,014
you be a good friend and send Adam's

1499
00:52:32,014 --> 00:52:34,514
website. Adam, what's the website? What's the book?

1500
00:52:34,574 --> 00:52:38,674
Yeah. So the website's pretty easy. Betrayalshrink.com.

1501
00:52:38,974 --> 00:52:41,394
You can also email me adam at betrayal

1502
00:52:41,454 --> 00:52:44,494
shrink. And then the book, a man's guide

1503
00:52:44,494 --> 00:52:46,829
to partner betrayal, it's on Amazon.

1504
00:52:47,369 --> 00:52:49,389
Look my name up. You can find me.

1505
00:52:49,530 --> 00:52:51,289
Actually, I have a couple workbooks and stuff

1506
00:52:51,289 --> 00:52:53,309
on there too. So yeah. Yeah. Thanks.

1507
00:52:53,690 --> 00:52:55,449
Yeah. Roland, thanks for having me, man. Yeah.

1508
00:52:55,449 --> 00:52:57,449
Thanks for this, brother. You and I always

1509
00:52:57,449 --> 00:52:58,429
have fun conversations.

1510
00:52:58,934 --> 00:53:00,215
We see eye to eye eye to eye

1511
00:53:00,215 --> 00:53:01,894
on this stuff, which I really, really like.

1512
00:53:02,055 --> 00:53:03,494
But this was fun. We'll do it again,

1513
00:53:03,494 --> 00:53:04,235
I'm sure.

1514
00:53:04,775 --> 00:53:06,934
Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

1515
00:53:06,934 --> 00:53:08,695
are a high achiever of the sex addiction

1516
00:53:08,695 --> 00:53:10,454
and you're looking for a recovery group full

1517
00:53:10,454 --> 00:53:13,589
of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

1518
00:53:13,589 --> 00:53:16,389
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

1519
00:53:16,389 --> 00:53:17,690
using four day retreats,

1520
00:53:17,989 --> 00:53:20,809
weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

1521
00:53:20,869 --> 00:53:23,030
If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

1522
00:53:23,030 --> 00:53:24,905
save your marriage, go to our website and

1523
00:53:24,905 --> 00:53:25,885
fill out our application.

1524
00:53:26,184 --> 00:53:28,664
If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

1525
00:53:28,664 --> 00:53:30,264
along to a friend in recovery who would

1526
00:53:30,264 --> 00:53:32,264
benefit from listening. It is my mission to

1527
00:53:32,264 --> 00:53:34,025
get this information out to as many high

1528
00:53:34,025 --> 00:53:36,264
achievers as possible, and I can't do it

1529
00:53:36,264 --> 00:53:37,244
without your help.

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