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If men are gonna act out sexually, there

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is a threshold at which if they stay

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below, then they don't act out. But if

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they cross that threshold, then they are at

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risk of acting out and have the potential

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to be able to relapse or slip or

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engage in the behavior again. So let's talk

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about that threshold. I'm gonna explain it in

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two very simple ways. So the first one

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is your needs or your perception of your

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needs not being met, and this comes in

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all sorts of shapes or sizes. Now, the

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second piece is

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perceived threat and this isn't talked about as

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much. Right? Factor one is talked about quite

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a bit. Right? Guys getting more in tune

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with their emotions, guys getting more in tune

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with their wants. The second aspect isn't talked

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about as much and that's do the men

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consider this? Do they really think it's a

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big deal? What I'm referring to this is,

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is porn that bad?

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever.

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I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The

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Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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more information about joining our group or attending

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our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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I'm gonna explain acting out and why men

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act out here in a very simple way.

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And I'm gonna report this episode for both,

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both for addicts and sexually compulsive men, but

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also for betrayed partners because I do think

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there's a chasm in between the two that

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really harms the relationship in rebuilding any sort

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of trust and safety. The chasm what I'm

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referring to is to the compulsive men, for

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them, you know, it has nothing to do

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with sexuality,

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with how attracted or unattractive to their partners

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they are. It's got nothing to do with

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their partners at all. This is a very

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compulsive,

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deceptive practice that these men are engaging in.

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But again, to the betrayed partner, it's very

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personal. It's very personal to them. It was

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something that they lacked

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that led you to be doing all these

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things. Right? You chose other women over them.

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It's extremely hurtful, extremely personal. Right? So there's

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this big chasm between the two. But the

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way I like to explain acting out is

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through this threshold

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explanation, and it and it helps both parties.

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It helps the betrayed partner understand why men

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act out and and what good recovery looks

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like, and it helps addicted men or compulsive

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men figure out how to protect themselves from

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relapse and and prevent all of this from

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happening again. So what do I mean by

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this threshold? What I mean is if we're

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if men are gonna act out sexually, there

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is a threshold at which if they stay

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below,

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then they don't act out. Right? Or they

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stay sober, whatever you wanna call it. But

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if they cross that threshold, then they are

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at risk of acting out and have the

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potential to be able to relapse or slip

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or engage in the behavior again. So let's

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talk about that threshold. I'm gonna explain it

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in two very simple ways. So there's two

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things

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that men need to focus on, and and

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I think you need to focus on both

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because I think focusing on one

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ignores the other, which increases the risk and

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then focusing on the other ignores the other

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factor. So I think you do need to

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examine both factors. Now it doesn't mean that

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both factors are going to affect you, but

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I would encourage every single guy to examine

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both. So what are these two factors? I'm

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gonna explain them both in different sections, but

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they both alter the threshold. So the first

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one

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is your needs or your perception of your

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needs not being met. And this comes in

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all sorts of shapes or sizes. So a

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lot of men who act out, humans are

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intentional creatures, right? So when we're going to

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do something that violates our integrity or puts

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our our family or marriage at risk, there's

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a good reason

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why we're doing this. Now, obviously, we everyone

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listening to this knows there's not really a

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good reason, but the point is there's a

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perceived reason

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to do it. And so if your needs

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are not being met, and again, this comes

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in all shapes and sizes. I'll explain that

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in a second. The threshold will be lower.

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And what I mean by this is when

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the threshold of acting out becomes lower,

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the brain considers acting out worth it. So

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that that's what we're talking about with the

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threshold. At a certain point, the threshold gets

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so low that the brain decides, you know

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what? It's worth it. It's worth the risk.

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Okay? So what I mean that your needs

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are unmet, this could be tons of things.

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It just depends on the guy and his

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flavor of compulsivity

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or addiction.

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Some examples of this could be, I'm not

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feeling appreciated

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or respected.

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Right? I'm not feeling cared for. I'm not

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feeling loved. I don't feel like my

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desires or my emotions matter. I don't feel

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like you take my aspiration seriously. I don't

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feel like I'm starting to feel like I'm

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not gonna get the life I want. It

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seems like it's all about everybody

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Anyways,

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there's millions upon millions upon millions of these

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potential beliefs where you start to feel like

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either, a, your current needs are not being

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met or you're kind of forecasting out to

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the future and there was this this life

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that you wanted and you're starting to second

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guess whether that life is actually gonna happen

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for you. And again, there's like I said,

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this this really depends on the guy, his

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wounds, his trauma, his upbringing, his geographic location

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at which he brought up was brought up

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in. Right? Everybody's gonna kind of perceive their

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needs in different ways depending on a lot

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of life factors. But the point is, if

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you perceive

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that your needs are not being met or

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they're not going to be met, that threshold

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starts to become lower and lower and lower.

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Right? Because you start to wonder, hey. Well,

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what about me? When am I gonna get

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my turn? When am I gonna get my

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life? When am I when am I gonna

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feel cared for? When am I gonna experience

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my pleasure? Right? So as that drops,

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I would say it increases the risk of

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slips, relapses, and infidelity because that threshold is

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becoming lower and lower and lower. And, again,

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as it becomes lower, the brain starts to

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consider these riskier behaviors or unwanted behaviors as

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worth it. And I'll kinda talk about more

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of this on the second component that you

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guys need to look at. But I hope

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you guys understand that. Right? So, basically, the

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more and more and more you feel

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like things that you want in your life

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are not happening, you're going that threshold is

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gonna be lower. Now one word of warning,

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a lot of guys are unaware

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of their needs being unmet. A lot of

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guys don't don't really feel unseen or unheard

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or uncared for because, again, there's, you know,

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a lot of this stuff in in masculinity

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that, oh, we're we're supposed to be needless

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and wantless. And so rather than really focusing

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on our needs isn't that funny? Right? It's

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it's a paradox right here. It's like, guys

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are supposed to be needless and wantless, but

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the irony is

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in our efforts to be needless and wantless

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and be these selfless

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supporters and providers,

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we end up having a ton of our

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unmet needs, which then, again, it lowers that

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threshold. And that's why I do. I think

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it's naive to think that you're just gonna

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be this ruthless, needless, wantless provider for your

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family. I I you're a human just like

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everybody in your family, and I and you're

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not exempt from the same needs that everybody

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in your family has. Okay. So that's one

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factor that would decrease

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or lower that threshold of where your brain

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would consider acting out worth it.

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Now the second piece is perceived threat. And

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this isn't talked about as much. Right? Factor

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one is talked about quite a bit. Right?

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Guys getting more in tune with their emotions,

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guys getting more in tune with their wants,

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their needs, their desires, really just just starting

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to feel their body. Right? That's pretty well

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talked about in the field. The second aspect

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isn't talked about as much and that's, do

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the men consider this

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not

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I'm trying to think of a better way

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to say this, but do they really think

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it's a big deal? And I think that

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lowers their threshold. I almost wonder sometimes if

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that lowers the threshold even more than a

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perception of unmet needs. What I'm referring to

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this is is porn that bad? You know,

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hey. There's all these billboards of of women

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in bikinis and and with their cleavage and,

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you know, so, oh, it's it's it's widely

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understood that that the female figure is something

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that men wanna look at. Right? There's strip

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clubs, there's adult shops. Right? Now all these

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things kinda give us the perception that, you

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know, it's normal. Right? There's there's movies and

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clips all over to this day of men

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going to strip clubs or hiring strippers for

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their bachelor parties. Right? And so there's this

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perception in society that lusting after the female

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figure

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is normal. And it's it's something that that

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men like to do and and that society

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has more or less accepted it. Again, and

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we can keep seeing this. Right? We have

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escort websites. We have only fans and and

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content exchange websites. Right? So there's this just

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widely accepted, for whatever reason, perception that men

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wanna consume this this content and act in

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these in these ways.

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So, again, we can't underestimate

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the effect

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of our society more or less not really

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doing anything to get rid of this

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because men start to, again, start to

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I don't think they realize, but their moral

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compass starts to become altered

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by how many people are engaging in this.

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Again, even even having cheerleaders

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at football games or just at sporting events.

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Again, what you know, the the concept that,

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oh, they're not dressed like they used to.

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Right? Cheerleaders back in the day, you know,

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their their dresses were quite long and they

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did not have their cleavage. And now, I

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don't know if you guys have seen, but

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it's it's definitely changed. There's lots of cleavage

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and they used to wear these shorts basically

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under their skirts. Well, they're not doing that

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anymore and so there's definitely a lot more

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to look at. And the point of all

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this is we see society becoming more and

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more sexualized.

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There's sexual jokes. It's hard to turn on

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and watch a TV show without seeing an

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affair. So the point is this effect starts

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to decrease the perceived threat. So again, that

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lowers the threshold. We don't necessarily see these

262
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:53,914
things as bad.

263
00:08:54,375 --> 00:08:56,054
We see them as normal, but we say,

264
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oh, well, I don't wanna do them because

265
00:08:57,575 --> 00:08:59,340
of, again, my my religious beliefs or my

266
00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:02,059
or my marital contract. But again, religious beliefs

267
00:09:02,059 --> 00:09:04,139
and marital contract, that's very, very different than,

268
00:09:04,139 --> 00:09:06,139
well, my perception is that all guys are

269
00:09:06,139 --> 00:09:08,379
doing this and is it really that big

270
00:09:08,379 --> 00:09:10,220
of a deal? So again, that lowers the

271
00:09:10,220 --> 00:09:12,415
threshold. It makes the perceived threat to your

272
00:09:12,415 --> 00:09:15,375
life lower and again, increases the likelihood that

273
00:09:15,375 --> 00:09:16,975
you would do it. And again, one more

274
00:09:16,975 --> 00:09:18,254
factor that I wanna add to that and

275
00:09:18,254 --> 00:09:19,615
something that I see a lot in my

276
00:09:19,615 --> 00:09:21,615
group because a lot of my programs for,

277
00:09:21,615 --> 00:09:23,315
you know, a lot of high achieving entrepreneurial

278
00:09:23,535 --> 00:09:26,675
men, there's a culture amongst successful males

279
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,600
of women lusting after you as a measure

280
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,399
of your success. So, again, you'll see for

281
00:09:32,399 --> 00:09:34,399
more successful men or men striving to be

282
00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:36,799
successful, they will become pretty quickly aware that

283
00:09:36,799 --> 00:09:38,720
that is one of the measurements of success.

284
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:40,399
How many women lust after you? How many

285
00:09:40,399 --> 00:09:41,954
women want you? Right? We see this in

286
00:09:41,954 --> 00:09:43,714
the Wolf of Wall Street and all sorts

287
00:09:43,714 --> 00:09:46,695
of movies where men in positions of authority,

288
00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:49,394
leadership, power, wealth are being lusted after, and

289
00:09:49,394 --> 00:09:51,075
they basically have their pick of the women.

290
00:09:51,075 --> 00:09:53,075
And many times, they're being unfaithful. Their wife

291
00:09:53,075 --> 00:09:55,014
knows about them being unfaithful, and they continue

292
00:09:55,075 --> 00:09:57,929
to be unfaithful and don't experience consequences. Again,

293
00:09:57,929 --> 00:10:00,330
all of these perceptions that we see through

294
00:10:00,330 --> 00:10:01,950
the media, for advertising film,

295
00:10:02,410 --> 00:10:05,690
spreads this perception that maybe the threat isn't

296
00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:08,330
as bad as everyone's saying it is. And,

297
00:10:08,330 --> 00:10:10,090
again, what's the problem with that? It lowers

298
00:10:10,090 --> 00:10:12,084
the threshold. We then don't feel like we're

299
00:10:12,084 --> 00:10:15,044
necessarily doing anything that abnormal. So just to

300
00:10:15,044 --> 00:10:16,184
recap, in terms of

301
00:10:16,565 --> 00:10:18,245
why men act out and how to prevent

302
00:10:18,245 --> 00:10:20,644
it, we need to elevate that threshold. Right?

303
00:10:20,644 --> 00:10:22,245
We need to elevate it. So and, again,

304
00:10:22,245 --> 00:10:24,340
the two things that threaten it are, are

305
00:10:24,340 --> 00:10:26,899
you allowing the world and society to basically

306
00:10:26,899 --> 00:10:30,600
brainwash you into believing that females are objects

307
00:10:30,820 --> 00:10:32,899
to look at? And again, women are guilty

308
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:35,059
of this too. They, in many ways, treat

309
00:10:35,059 --> 00:10:37,894
themselves like objects. They're shopping, putting on a

310
00:10:37,894 --> 00:10:40,454
bunch of makeup, getting plastic surgery. Right? So

311
00:10:40,454 --> 00:10:42,154
so in many ways, women are participating

312
00:10:42,534 --> 00:10:44,695
in this whole objectification. But, again, it doesn't

313
00:10:44,695 --> 00:10:46,054
mean that it's okay. It doesn't mean that

314
00:10:46,054 --> 00:10:47,654
it's what we should be doing. And it

315
00:10:47,654 --> 00:10:50,549
certainly will contribute to lowering that threshold of,

316
00:10:50,549 --> 00:10:51,909
oh, well, this is what I'm supposed to

317
00:10:51,909 --> 00:10:54,169
do. I'm supposed to find these people attractive,

318
00:10:54,309 --> 00:10:55,669
and they want me to look at them.

319
00:10:55,669 --> 00:10:57,289
Other guys are looking at them. And, again,

320
00:10:57,350 --> 00:10:58,950
lowers the threshold. And then let's go back

321
00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:00,809
to the the first one, your your needs.

322
00:11:01,110 --> 00:11:02,809
Are you happy? Are you fulfilled?

323
00:11:03,154 --> 00:11:05,315
Are you settling unnecessarily? You know, a lot

324
00:11:05,315 --> 00:11:06,995
of successful men do this. Right? They they

325
00:11:06,995 --> 00:11:08,434
have the story of, well, I need to

326
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:10,615
be a provider. My family has high expectations.

327
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,274
We like to go on nice vacations. We

328
00:11:12,274 --> 00:11:14,035
like to drive nice cars. We like to

329
00:11:14,035 --> 00:11:16,355
be members of this country club and that

330
00:11:16,355 --> 00:11:18,360
club. You know? So so they feel this

331
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:19,339
pressure to

332
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,679
achieve a certain level of success financially. And,

333
00:11:22,679 --> 00:11:24,839
again, they ignore their needs. Right? Or they're

334
00:11:24,839 --> 00:11:26,440
trying to climb the ladder at work because

335
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,600
that's they've been told the purpose of life,

336
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,600
of succeeding in life is to gain the

337
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,684
highest position within the company, whatever it is.

338
00:11:32,764 --> 00:11:33,424
But, again,

339
00:11:33,884 --> 00:11:36,205
as we're doing that, we're ignoring our wants,

340
00:11:36,205 --> 00:11:37,965
our needs, our desires, really how we feel

341
00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:40,524
as a human, and we're basically surrendering that

342
00:11:40,524 --> 00:11:43,424
to capitalistic structures or corporate structures. And, again,

343
00:11:43,485 --> 00:11:46,210
it gives you this perception that, man, it's

344
00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:47,490
this is a lot of work. When am

345
00:11:47,490 --> 00:11:49,169
I gonna get my needs met? Who's gonna

346
00:11:49,169 --> 00:11:50,450
pat me on the back? Are they gonna

347
00:11:50,450 --> 00:11:51,490
tell me that I did a good job?

348
00:11:51,490 --> 00:11:53,009
And and a lot of times for successful

349
00:11:53,009 --> 00:11:55,410
men, it's funny. The more successful we become,

350
00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:56,149
the less

351
00:11:56,610 --> 00:11:58,149
appreciation and accolades

352
00:11:58,610 --> 00:12:00,595
we get. It's kind of an interesting thing,

353
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:02,855
which that's that's not great because usually it's

354
00:12:02,914 --> 00:12:05,315
usually at those higher level positions. That's when

355
00:12:05,315 --> 00:12:07,475
men are working harder and trying harder. And

356
00:12:07,475 --> 00:12:10,195
so to get less appreciation, less admiration, and

357
00:12:10,195 --> 00:12:12,434
less compliments can be hard for us because

358
00:12:12,434 --> 00:12:14,639
we're we're working harder than ever before. And,

359
00:12:14,639 --> 00:12:16,160
again, what's the result of all of this?

360
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,879
It's lowering that threshold. Right? You're starting to

361
00:12:18,879 --> 00:12:19,779
become more

362
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,120
almost subconsciously, more of these the selfish thinking

363
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,279
starts to leak into your mind, and you

364
00:12:25,279 --> 00:12:28,180
start thinking about me, my life, my pleasure,

365
00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:29,894
my goals, my aspirations,

366
00:12:30,274 --> 00:12:32,754
my appreciation, my you know, as you're not

367
00:12:32,754 --> 00:12:34,434
getting your needs met, more and more of

368
00:12:34,434 --> 00:12:35,894
your brain is becoming

369
00:12:36,274 --> 00:12:38,274
more narcissistic for lack of a better word

370
00:12:38,274 --> 00:12:40,514
or grandiose or self absorbed. Right? And then

371
00:12:40,595 --> 00:12:42,274
and that's normal. Like I said, that's not

372
00:12:42,274 --> 00:12:42,774
pathological.

373
00:12:43,620 --> 00:12:46,100
It's a result of you ignoring your wants

374
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:48,340
and your needs and your aspirations and forcing

375
00:12:48,340 --> 00:12:49,940
yourself to live up to some sort of

376
00:12:49,940 --> 00:12:52,820
measure of success as wherever you learn to

377
00:12:52,820 --> 00:12:55,059
measure that. Right? So the result being lowering

378
00:12:55,059 --> 00:12:57,220
your threshold. Right? Filling your mind with more

379
00:12:57,220 --> 00:12:59,714
selfish thinking. And on the other side, right,

380
00:12:59,714 --> 00:13:02,454
not considering a lot of these behaviors abnormal

381
00:13:02,514 --> 00:13:04,195
even though they are extremely abnormal and they're

382
00:13:04,195 --> 00:13:06,355
hurtful and they're in violation of your integrity

383
00:13:06,355 --> 00:13:08,674
and your marital contract. So it's it's it

384
00:13:08,674 --> 00:13:10,695
should not be normal and it isn't normal.

385
00:13:10,754 --> 00:13:13,394
And the irony is it's shown online as

386
00:13:13,394 --> 00:13:14,920
if it is. Right? So we just have

387
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,720
to be careful seeing these conflicting messages. So

388
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:18,920
what do we do about all of this?

389
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:20,440
Right? So before we end this episode, let's

390
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:22,360
talk about like what is you know, because

391
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,200
the goal would be to elevate that threshold

392
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,960
as high as you can. Right? So let's

393
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,375
talk about recovery work for both sides. So

394
00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:30,375
let's go back to your unmet needs. What's

395
00:13:30,375 --> 00:13:32,695
recovery in that work? Get with a bunch

396
00:13:32,695 --> 00:13:34,695
of guys who you respect and admire, you

397
00:13:34,695 --> 00:13:35,754
know, your peers,

398
00:13:36,134 --> 00:13:37,575
and you guys should be this should be

399
00:13:37,575 --> 00:13:39,735
a massive part of your recovery. Right? I

400
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:41,254
mean, how much is there to really talk

401
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,960
about that sex and pornography? I mean, you

402
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,720
can only talk about it so much. I

403
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,000
mean, really, what we need to start talking

404
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,279
about is how are we gonna elevate this

405
00:13:47,279 --> 00:13:49,120
threshold so that we're not acting out? Because,

406
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,960
again, that's a big question. You know, a

407
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,040
lot of guys act like, hey. We know

408
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,279
all other guys are attracted to women, of

409
00:13:55,279 --> 00:13:57,059
course. Why are they

410
00:13:57,735 --> 00:13:59,975
staying in their integrity but we are not?

411
00:13:59,975 --> 00:14:01,894
Why are we acting out and and and

412
00:14:01,894 --> 00:14:03,495
doing all of this to our wives when

413
00:14:03,495 --> 00:14:05,894
these men, these other guys don't? And that's

414
00:14:05,894 --> 00:14:08,375
because their threshold's much higher. Right? So you

415
00:14:08,375 --> 00:14:10,134
need to get with your recovery group and

416
00:14:10,134 --> 00:14:12,240
you guys need to talk about all of

417
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,840
the potential flaws about being again, you know,

418
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:16,440
for high achieving men, you need to find

419
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,620
other high achieving men and talk about how

420
00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:20,919
all the stories were told about becoming 1%

421
00:14:20,919 --> 00:14:23,320
better every day and, having no room for

422
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,434
sadness and no room for complaining and no

423
00:14:25,434 --> 00:14:27,355
room for anxiety. Right? All these emotions slow

424
00:14:27,355 --> 00:14:29,274
us down, and it's all about progress and

425
00:14:29,274 --> 00:14:30,955
moving up and to the right at really

426
00:14:30,955 --> 00:14:33,115
at all cost. And, again, they've kind of

427
00:14:33,115 --> 00:14:36,315
softened that language now, but prior to 2010,

428
00:14:36,315 --> 00:14:38,315
hustle culture was was very much talked about

429
00:14:38,315 --> 00:14:40,049
and very much celebrated and and still is

430
00:14:40,049 --> 00:14:42,370
to this day. So the point is you

431
00:14:42,370 --> 00:14:44,470
you need to talk about the flaws

432
00:14:44,850 --> 00:14:46,929
in our worldview, the flaws in our way

433
00:14:46,929 --> 00:14:49,730
of living. Right? How are we becoming needless

434
00:14:49,730 --> 00:14:52,210
and wantless or or basically what story were

435
00:14:52,210 --> 00:14:55,029
you sold where ignoring your needs, your wants,

436
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:56,044
and how you feel

437
00:14:56,424 --> 00:14:58,105
was what you were supposed to do? You

438
00:14:58,105 --> 00:14:59,544
know? And and, again, for most men, they

439
00:14:59,544 --> 00:15:00,985
don't even know they're doing this. They're just

440
00:15:00,985 --> 00:15:03,384
so focused on success and progress that they

441
00:15:03,465 --> 00:15:05,865
they're under this perception that they're crushing it.

442
00:15:05,865 --> 00:15:07,384
Right? That they're living a great life. But

443
00:15:07,384 --> 00:15:09,304
what they don't realize, because we live in

444
00:15:09,304 --> 00:15:10,799
a capitalist society, is that

445
00:15:11,279 --> 00:15:13,120
they're going all in on capitalism, but they

446
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,959
forgot about their humanity. And again, we did

447
00:15:14,959 --> 00:15:16,019
not build this country

448
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,659
to make happy humans. We built this country

449
00:15:19,039 --> 00:15:22,080
to provide people opportunity to create capital. Right?

450
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,600
You gotta you gotta we have to remember

451
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,915
that. Right? And especially in America, right, most

452
00:15:25,915 --> 00:15:28,795
countries, right, the whole structure of the country

453
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:31,675
was to help people generate capital and have

454
00:15:31,675 --> 00:15:33,995
laws to protect and facilitate that. It was

455
00:15:33,995 --> 00:15:35,434
not how do we build a country to

456
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:37,295
make people happy. That was not the objective

457
00:15:37,460 --> 00:15:39,460
when we put together the government system, the

458
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:42,100
judicial system, all that. So that's how you

459
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:43,779
guys gotta get in touch with your needs.

460
00:15:43,779 --> 00:15:45,139
You guys have got to look at the

461
00:15:45,139 --> 00:15:45,639
insanity

462
00:15:46,019 --> 00:15:48,820
of hustle culture, this insanity of 1% better

463
00:15:48,820 --> 00:15:51,065
every day. I'm a provider. I mean, listen,

464
00:15:51,065 --> 00:15:52,985
you're a human no different than your son,

465
00:15:52,985 --> 00:15:55,325
your daughter, your wife, your dad, your grandparents.

466
00:15:55,464 --> 00:15:56,985
I mean, we're all humans and we all

467
00:15:56,985 --> 00:15:59,065
have needs. You can't just ignore them because

468
00:15:59,065 --> 00:16:00,365
you happen to be a male

469
00:16:00,745 --> 00:16:02,960
in America. You have just as many needs

470
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,159
as everybody and you need to attend to

471
00:16:04,159 --> 00:16:05,440
them. I'm not saying you need to give

472
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:06,259
up on capitalism.

473
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,799
I haven't. But at the same time, I

474
00:16:08,799 --> 00:16:11,759
am saying capitalism is what it is. But

475
00:16:11,759 --> 00:16:13,519
your needs are just as important, if not

476
00:16:13,519 --> 00:16:15,235
way more important, especially if you want to

477
00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:17,315
live a very fulfilling life and and avoid

478
00:16:17,315 --> 00:16:18,914
relapse. What kind of things can we do

479
00:16:18,914 --> 00:16:21,634
in recovery for this perceived threat? This one's

480
00:16:21,634 --> 00:16:23,154
a bit well, I don't know. This one's

481
00:16:23,394 --> 00:16:25,634
in many ways, it's easier because I think

482
00:16:25,634 --> 00:16:26,995
all you really have to do is is

483
00:16:26,995 --> 00:16:28,914
talk to your peers in recovery, talk to

484
00:16:28,914 --> 00:16:29,815
your your therapist,

485
00:16:30,230 --> 00:16:32,149
even talk to your wife. But, you know,

486
00:16:32,149 --> 00:16:34,950
really, really gaining an understanding around, you know,

487
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:37,110
how do other people see this? Are other

488
00:16:37,110 --> 00:16:37,930
women offended

489
00:16:38,470 --> 00:16:40,870
by how much pornography is out there? Right?

490
00:16:40,870 --> 00:16:42,870
When they see the statistics of how many

491
00:16:42,870 --> 00:16:44,934
men are watching it, you know, does that

492
00:16:44,934 --> 00:16:47,174
offend them? What's their thoughts there? Right? And

493
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:48,855
then what do young kids I mean, if

494
00:16:48,855 --> 00:16:50,294
you were to have a young conversation with

495
00:16:50,294 --> 00:16:52,134
a young kid about pornography, what are what's

496
00:16:52,134 --> 00:16:53,894
their view on it? I don't mean, like,

497
00:16:53,894 --> 00:16:55,815
super young, but, you know, somebody where of

498
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:57,815
age where pornography is gonna start to be

499
00:16:57,815 --> 00:17:00,250
distributed through school or talked about. Right? But

500
00:17:00,250 --> 00:17:03,309
it's interesting. I think expanding your understanding of

501
00:17:03,529 --> 00:17:05,929
the different ways that people view pornography, the

502
00:17:05,929 --> 00:17:07,710
different ways that people view infidelity.

503
00:17:08,809 --> 00:17:10,809
You could even look into how people view

504
00:17:10,809 --> 00:17:12,910
marriage. You know, how women view marriage

505
00:17:13,289 --> 00:17:15,825
is very different about how most men view

506
00:17:15,904 --> 00:17:17,585
marriage. But I think talking about all these

507
00:17:17,585 --> 00:17:19,345
things can start to give you a new

508
00:17:19,345 --> 00:17:19,845
appreciation

509
00:17:20,704 --> 00:17:21,524
for what

510
00:17:21,825 --> 00:17:22,325
pornography,

511
00:17:22,865 --> 00:17:25,684
cheating, infidelity, and even objectification of women

512
00:17:26,144 --> 00:17:28,319
does to a society. It's not normal. It

513
00:17:28,319 --> 00:17:30,720
should have never been normal. Right? The media

514
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,599
and companies, advertising companies made it normal because

515
00:17:33,599 --> 00:17:34,339
it was profitable.

516
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,559
But again, it never should have been normal.

517
00:17:36,559 --> 00:17:38,559
Right? So gaining this new appreciation for the

518
00:17:38,559 --> 00:17:41,039
fact that just because something's being done doesn't

519
00:17:41,039 --> 00:17:42,525
mean it should be done. And just because

520
00:17:42,525 --> 00:17:44,285
something's normal doesn't mean it should be normal.

521
00:17:44,285 --> 00:17:46,125
Just because men are doing something doesn't mean

522
00:17:46,125 --> 00:17:47,965
all men should be doing something. Right? So

523
00:17:47,965 --> 00:17:49,884
gain this new appreciation of are you gonna

524
00:17:49,884 --> 00:17:51,325
be a menace to society or are you

525
00:17:51,325 --> 00:17:53,164
gonna make this place better? Right? And again,

526
00:17:53,164 --> 00:17:56,480
that's elevating the threshold. Right? Elevating the value

527
00:17:56,539 --> 00:17:58,940
of integrity and the value of legacy and

528
00:17:58,940 --> 00:18:01,580
the value of not being a destructive person

529
00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:03,900
to the human race. That should matter. That's

530
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:06,460
gonna elevate the threshold. So as a result,

531
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:09,195
if you're talking with your peers about how

532
00:18:09,195 --> 00:18:11,994
it's cool and normal to have needs and

533
00:18:11,994 --> 00:18:13,914
to voice those, to have emotions and to

534
00:18:13,914 --> 00:18:15,914
voice those, to want something from your wife

535
00:18:15,914 --> 00:18:18,234
and express that. Express express it. Right? And

536
00:18:18,234 --> 00:18:19,674
then say, hey. Let's go to therapy and

537
00:18:19,674 --> 00:18:21,529
see how. You know, but basically acknowledging that

538
00:18:21,529 --> 00:18:25,309
there are needs, desires, wants, motives, aspiration, goals,

539
00:18:25,369 --> 00:18:26,970
and and really and really talking about those

540
00:18:26,970 --> 00:18:29,289
things and not ignoring them. Right? And then

541
00:18:29,289 --> 00:18:31,289
also on the flip side, you're really trying

542
00:18:31,289 --> 00:18:34,164
to challenge this whole over sexualized world that

543
00:18:34,164 --> 00:18:36,164
we live in and and asking yourself, what

544
00:18:36,164 --> 00:18:38,725
do I believe? Like, the world believes that.

545
00:18:38,725 --> 00:18:40,164
Sure. But what do I believe? And what

546
00:18:40,164 --> 00:18:41,365
do I feel like is right? What kind

547
00:18:41,365 --> 00:18:42,644
of world do I want my kids to

548
00:18:42,644 --> 00:18:44,325
grow up in? And it's probably not one

549
00:18:44,325 --> 00:18:46,325
that's hypersexual. Right? And if and if that's

550
00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:48,390
the case, you need to stop participating. Right?

551
00:18:48,390 --> 00:18:49,670
If you want it to change, you need

552
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,089
to stop contributing to the adult entertainment industry.

553
00:18:52,230 --> 00:18:54,070
If you're contributing, it's gonna be there when

554
00:18:54,070 --> 00:18:55,589
our kids are there. I can assure you

555
00:18:55,589 --> 00:18:57,670
that. So my point of this episode was

556
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,269
to give you a kind of a different

557
00:18:59,269 --> 00:19:02,424
look at acting out. Right? When that threshold

558
00:19:02,484 --> 00:19:04,085
is becoming lower and lower and lower, the

559
00:19:04,085 --> 00:19:06,565
likelihood of acting out is much higher. So

560
00:19:06,565 --> 00:19:08,965
if we can engage in recovery practices to

561
00:19:08,965 --> 00:19:11,845
elevate that, right, treat ourselves like humans, treat

562
00:19:11,845 --> 00:19:14,164
other people like humans, really rewire our brain

563
00:19:14,164 --> 00:19:16,649
and how it sees sexuality. What's okay and

564
00:19:16,649 --> 00:19:18,890
what isn't? What's best for the human race

565
00:19:18,890 --> 00:19:20,890
and what's not? And are you participating in

566
00:19:20,890 --> 00:19:22,490
any of the things that are that's harming

567
00:19:22,490 --> 00:19:24,649
this place and making it worse for the

568
00:19:24,649 --> 00:19:26,730
future generations? All these things need to be

569
00:19:26,730 --> 00:19:29,049
considered so that you can start elevating that

570
00:19:29,049 --> 00:19:29,549
threshold,

571
00:19:29,984 --> 00:19:31,984
seeing the consequences for what they truly are,

572
00:19:31,984 --> 00:19:33,904
seeing the damage for what it truly is,

573
00:19:33,904 --> 00:19:36,144
and seeing yourself as a person, a human

574
00:19:36,144 --> 00:19:38,545
being with needs so that you don't get

575
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,625
to this point where you start wondering, you

576
00:19:40,625 --> 00:19:43,039
know, what about me? And having that narcissistic

577
00:19:43,039 --> 00:19:44,480
thinking kind of come back in. All of

578
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,720
these things need to be addressed in recovery

579
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:48,019
to elevate that threshold.

580
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,240
In the end, I don't even like calling

581
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,160
this whole thing recovery. To me, elevating that

582
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,900
threshold is just becoming a healthy human being.

583
00:19:55,039 --> 00:19:58,125
Right? Weak damaged humans who are not treating

584
00:19:58,125 --> 00:20:00,765
themselves nicely and paying attention to their existence

585
00:20:00,765 --> 00:20:03,404
and honoring their own humanity, that threshold is

586
00:20:03,404 --> 00:20:04,765
so low. And those are the type of

587
00:20:04,765 --> 00:20:07,265
people we see who constantly violate their integrity

588
00:20:07,325 --> 00:20:07,825
repetitively.

589
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,400
Right? So it's it's being a healthy human

590
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,640
being and starting to engage in these practices

591
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,960
where you're thinking bigger and you're really honoring

592
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,119
your own humanity and honoring the humans around

593
00:20:17,119 --> 00:20:19,119
you. That's how we elevate that threshold. If

594
00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:21,105
you're not doing that in your recovery groups,

595
00:20:21,105 --> 00:20:23,105
you're missing out on what I would consider

596
00:20:23,105 --> 00:20:25,025
one of the most important pieces of long

597
00:20:25,025 --> 00:20:25,765
term recovery.

598
00:20:27,265 --> 00:20:28,804
Thanks for listening to this episode.

599
00:20:29,105 --> 00:20:30,544
If you are a high achiever with a

600
00:20:30,544 --> 00:20:32,464
sex addiction and you're looking for a recovery

601
00:20:32,464 --> 00:20:36,069
group full of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

602
00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:38,869
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

603
00:20:38,869 --> 00:20:41,750
using four day retreats, weekly group calls, and

604
00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:44,309
daily accountability check ins. If you wanna achieve

605
00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:46,755
long term sobriety and save your marriage, go

606
00:20:46,755 --> 00:20:48,455
to our website and fill out our application.

607
00:20:48,674 --> 00:20:51,154
If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

608
00:20:51,154 --> 00:20:52,835
along to a friend in recovery who would

609
00:20:52,835 --> 00:20:54,755
benefit from listening. It is my mission to

610
00:20:54,755 --> 00:20:56,515
get this information out to as many high

611
00:20:56,515 --> 00:20:58,755
achievers as possible, and I can't do it

612
00:20:58,755 --> 00:20:59,815
without your help.