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So let's talk again about the difference between

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sobriety and recovery because there are some guys

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who need to kind of fast forward the

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whole sobriety process and just skip straight to

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recovery. I'll explain what I mean by that

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in a second.

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever. I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder

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of The Successful Addict, a recovery group for

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high achieving men struggling with sex and porn

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addiction. For more information about joining our group

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or attending our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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So the reason I'm doing this again is

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I just had a call. I have these

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calls where I bring all of my groups

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together and, so all the guys in the

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different groups get to interact with each other.

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And, we were talking about,

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recovery plans. So I asked for a volunteer

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and I said, hey, read your, read me

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your recovery plan. Now this was a new

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guy to one of my groups,

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but he has been in recovery for

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gosh, I think three or four years, right.

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And so he proceeded to describe to me

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his

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recovery plan, right. So he talked about how

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many meetings he's attending, he talking about his

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different check ins, that he does with his

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wife. He has a morning routine right where

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he's kind of reaching out to a couple

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of the guys in his recovery circles.

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He has these like little

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check ins that he does with himself throughout

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the day just to kind of see where

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his, where his head's at, at, right, to

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keep him safe.

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And then he talked about some monthly practices,

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quarterly practices and annual practices, right.

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And,

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and I appreciated all of it. I appreciated

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all of it but I stopped and I

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said

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that sounds like a lot of sobriety

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planning.

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What's, what's your recovery plan?

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And,

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I always feel a little bad doing that

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because I don't mean I do not mean

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to,

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take anything away from him, embarrass him.

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It was just

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I think a lot of people forget that

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there is a difference between sobriety and recovery.

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So let's speak to that for a second.

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What do I mean by that? Well, sobriety

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is not doing the unwanted behavior. Right? So

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a sobriety plan would be anything that basically

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prevents that. Prevents it, slows it down,

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gives you more time to think,

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you know, have these little check ins throughout

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the day so you don't find yourself, you

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know, kind of compulsively or addictively engaging in

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in one of these behaviors. Right? So it's

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a lot of like barriers, right? Check ins,

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calls,

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or it's it's these things, you know, I

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I guess blockers, right? If somebody had like

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a blocker or something on their,

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on their electronic devices. Right? So those will

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be just sobriety,

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issues, right? So we're slowing down and or

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stopping prohibiting or making the behavior,

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less likely to occur.

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But that's not recovery. And that's very very

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important to

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to see that distinction because,

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you know, like for example, 12 step. 12

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step, is a is a abstinence based program.

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That's what that's what it is. Right? It's

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a the goal is,

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sobriety,

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not recovery. Right? There's no there's no therapist

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on-site. Right? There's no crosstalk allowed. Right? So

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it's a it's a sobriety

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a sobriety tool and it can absolutely assist

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in recovery. So I I wanna make sure

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everybody understands that. It's not like there's the

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still definitive line this is sobriety, this is

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recovery. I would say there's aspects

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of our sobriety plan that certainly contribute to

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our recovery. So again,

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it's there are there is some carry over

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there. But I would definitely say a recovery

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plan

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looks very very different. And I'm gonna say

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right now,

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for the betrayed partners listening to this,

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gosh, you know, not to not to, you

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know, your your husband's gonna kill me, but,

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I'm not that impressed with a lot of

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guys'

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recovery

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plans. A lot of guys have sobriety

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plans,

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but they don't have recovery plans. And here

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and and here's why that matters. It's recovery

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that helps us go the distance, right? I

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would you know even when guys say long

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term sobriety,

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I I I would kind of erase that

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from your vocabulary.

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That that to me sounds like white knuckling

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it, right? That sounds to me like, you

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know, a lot of the stuff hasn't changed.

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You just have all these things in place

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to prevent you from doing it. But what

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happens when

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those things can't be done or you're in

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a, you know, an environment where

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again you don't have the time, right? You're

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traveling for work,

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and you're in this situation

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and you can't do your sobriety stuff. What?

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You you relapse and that's what the statistics

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would show, right? The relapse rate is insanely

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high in this field, right? And

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so, I'm I'm gonna call attention to recovery

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plans. So let me let me, give you

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some examples of this, right? So a recovery

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plan would be something that you're doing that's

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actually changing the root cause of your acting

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out behaviors,

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Right? So you you're you've actually figured out

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the ins and outs of your particular process

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addiction and you're actually going through and seeing,

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okay, if somebody's engaging in those processes,

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why would they? Why would they find value

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in that? Right? And so that's figuring out

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what what kind of person would find value

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in engaging a behavior like that. What is

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the perceived value? What is the the wound

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or the deficit or the,

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discrepancy

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that you're feeling that's making you want to

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act out, right? The the brain's basically believing

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that the acting out behavior is going to

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solve this this this this deficit, this this

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unmet need,

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whatever it is.

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So a recovery plan would be undoing those

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things. I'm gonna give you some some examples.

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I'm gonna use myself as an example.

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I I don't mean to always talk about

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myself. It's just it's a lot easier to

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talk about my own recovery than it is

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to talk about someone else's recovery because I

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haven't done the recovery. I just done mine,

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right? So

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you know, my one of my biggest pathologies,

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the thing that really drove most of my

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sexual acting out, was my superiority complex. I

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want to be special. I wanna be better.

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I want people to look at me, admire

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me, tell me how great I am,

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flatter me. I know it makes me sound

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like a narcissistic,

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self absorbed individual but but what I I

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don't know what else to say. That's that's

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the truth of it. I just I wanted

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to be special. I wanted to be mired.

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I wanted to be validated. I wanted people

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to tell me how great I was. I

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wanted to be the fanciest specialist guy in

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the room, right? So unfortunately,

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as our society

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has kind of evolved, women have gotten roped

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into that, right? And that's why again, I

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have I have a hard time calling myself

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a sex addict

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or porn addict. I am not addicted to

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sex. I'm not addicted to porn. I actually

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really don't

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crave sex and porn that often which is

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funny, right? Because this is this is a

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sex addiction podcast. But what I mean by

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that is my true addiction is validation, feeling

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special and unfortunately,

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women have got roped into that, right. So

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our society has basically shown on television and

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media that the attention from attractive women

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is is valuable. It must mean that you

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are an accomplished

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desirable male, right. And so I really latched

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on to that and I started early. I

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would say I started really kind of figuring

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that out in in middle school, right? Where

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all the, you know, macho good looking athletic

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guys were the ones able to get the

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most attractive girls, right? And then my attempts

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to get them,

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failed, you know. I wasn't I wasn't athletic.

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I was socially awkward. I was I was

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not confident. Right? So I I kind of

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developed this complex around you know a fear

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almost of am I special? Does anyone care

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about me? Right? Does you know, am I

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am I gonna die alone? Am I ever

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gonna get married? Am I gonna have to

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settle for you know for for a woman

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that I really don't want but because I

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can't get the one that I want, I

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have to I have to just compromise my

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standards, right? And so these were all these

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these fears, right? So this is kind of

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the basis of process addiction. And again for

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those of you who have not listened, either

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read my book or listen to my podcast

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before,

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sex addiction, porn addiction, they are process addictions.

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That's how they're classified.

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So you really need to figure out the

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brain process

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that you're engaging in when you're doing these

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unwanted behaviors. Right. And in my case, it

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really was. It was it was fishing for

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validation, compliments,

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attention, right. That's really what I wanted.

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And it wasn't just women. I would there

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were plenty of times where I actually

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could have probably had a sexual encounter or

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something in that ballpark

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and I and I chose not to because

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there were actually men, high net worth men,

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you know, billionaires other influencers in my industry

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who are like hey Roland do you wanna

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you know go to the cigar bar? And

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I left all these ladies and went to

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the cigar bar because the approval and the

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attention and being in the inner circle with

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the elites in our industry was was was

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more validating than sex. So again the reason

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I bring that up is you know if

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I was a sex addict, wouldn't I have

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chosen the women over the men,

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right. And so that's that's where I figured

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out you know a lot of my process

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addiction was being special, being validated, right. And

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again unfortunately,

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sex sex appeal being desired,

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you know that's

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because women are 50% of the population.

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You know, they're they're everywhere and, if that's

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an avenue that you choose, you there there

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is the potential that you're gonna choose that

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avenue. Right? Whereas, you know, finding an influential,

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position

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to impress a guy, you know, that might

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that that's less common, right? That's that's you

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can't really just go out and find that

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and engineer that. What women you can, right?

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So

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00:09:05,389 --> 00:09:07,549
eventually, you know, when when you start craving

268
00:09:07,549 --> 00:09:11,309
these these moments of validation, attention, feeling special,

269
00:09:11,309 --> 00:09:12,769
feeling wanted, feeling desired,

270
00:09:13,264 --> 00:09:15,264
you know, you're gonna go to wherever you

271
00:09:15,264 --> 00:09:17,424
can get that. And unfortunately, once once guys

272
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,904
kinda crack the door to using women for

273
00:09:19,904 --> 00:09:20,404
that,

274
00:09:21,024 --> 00:09:22,465
once that door is open, it's,

275
00:09:23,264 --> 00:09:25,184
it usually stays open unfortunately and it get

276
00:09:25,184 --> 00:09:27,360
and it gets worse and worse. Worse. So

277
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,679
so my recovery plan so I I would

278
00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:31,279
need both, right? I would need a sobriety

279
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:33,440
plan sure to keep myself safe, right? So

280
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,059
if I'm going to a work conference,

281
00:09:35,519 --> 00:09:36,559
I need to be aware of these things.

282
00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:37,679
So what I'm gonna do? I'm not gonna

283
00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:39,539
drink alcohol. I'm not gonna drink alcohol.

284
00:09:40,375 --> 00:09:42,774
That's just not going that's that's just going

285
00:09:42,774 --> 00:09:45,254
to increase the likelihood of me violating my

286
00:09:45,254 --> 00:09:47,654
integrity, right? So alcohol is gone. I need

287
00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:49,415
to be hyper aware, right? When I'm going

288
00:09:49,415 --> 00:09:50,875
into a happy hour,

289
00:09:51,335 --> 00:09:53,370
dinner, a a a networking

290
00:09:53,909 --> 00:09:56,389
situation, I need to assess the situation and

291
00:09:56,389 --> 00:09:58,629
ask myself is this a room somebody like

292
00:09:58,629 --> 00:10:01,669
me with my pathology should be in? Right.

293
00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:03,589
If I'm craving attention does this look like

294
00:10:03,589 --> 00:10:05,509
an environment where I'm going to be able

295
00:10:05,509 --> 00:10:07,304
to do that and maybe do it in

296
00:10:07,384 --> 00:10:08,845
in an unhealthy way.

297
00:10:09,144 --> 00:10:10,424
Right. So I really have to be honest

298
00:10:10,424 --> 00:10:11,625
with myself. I have to look at the

299
00:10:11,625 --> 00:10:14,184
situation, engage how risky it is. You know,

300
00:10:14,184 --> 00:10:15,485
for those of you listening,

301
00:10:16,024 --> 00:10:17,625
the guys who go to conferences, you know,

302
00:10:17,625 --> 00:10:19,384
usually the first happy hour is is the

303
00:10:19,384 --> 00:10:21,970
safe happy hour. Maybe the second, but when

304
00:10:21,970 --> 00:10:23,769
you go to the third you know and

305
00:10:23,769 --> 00:10:25,129
and it gets later and later in the

306
00:10:25,129 --> 00:10:26,970
evening, you do have to ask yourself is

307
00:10:26,970 --> 00:10:28,730
this is this a safe environment for somebody

308
00:10:28,730 --> 00:10:31,610
like me with my process addiction, right? So

309
00:10:31,610 --> 00:10:33,769
that would be a a sobriety plan, right?

310
00:10:33,769 --> 00:10:35,504
Checking in, I'm checking in with my wife,

311
00:10:35,825 --> 00:10:38,325
I'm, having my location on on my phone.

312
00:10:39,504 --> 00:10:40,705
If you don't wanna drink, I know a

313
00:10:40,705 --> 00:10:42,225
lot of guys who will tell one of

314
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:42,884
their colleagues,

315
00:10:43,664 --> 00:10:45,105
hey. I don't I don't wanna drink tonight.

316
00:10:45,105 --> 00:10:46,785
I have this bad habit of, like, just

317
00:10:46,785 --> 00:10:48,384
grabbing a free beer and next thing you

318
00:10:48,384 --> 00:10:50,065
know, I'm I'm drinking my third or fourth

319
00:10:50,065 --> 00:10:51,921
beer. You know, I don't wanna drink tonight.

320
00:10:51,921 --> 00:10:53,805
So please, you know, if you if you

321
00:10:53,805 --> 00:10:55,690
if somehow I have a beer in my

322
00:10:55,690 --> 00:10:57,810
hand, like like you know, have me put

323
00:10:57,810 --> 00:10:59,931
it down, right? So so those we so

324
00:10:59,931 --> 00:11:01,815
that would be a sobriety plan, right? So

325
00:11:01,815 --> 00:11:03,705
what would be a recovery plan be? Well,

326
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:06,425
a recovery plan that's gonna happen outside of

327
00:11:06,425 --> 00:11:08,605
these events on my own time. Right?

328
00:11:09,065 --> 00:11:11,965
Why do I need validation from other people?

329
00:11:12,345 --> 00:11:13,965
Why can't I validate myself?

330
00:11:14,745 --> 00:11:16,504
Why do I need it from women? What

331
00:11:16,504 --> 00:11:18,764
it you know, what what of what significance

332
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,860
is a

333
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,679
is this woman gonna give me? Like her

334
00:11:23,679 --> 00:11:25,460
attention, what does that earn me?

335
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,679
Seriously, what does that earn me? Does that

336
00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:29,040
make me a better father? Does that make

337
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,919
me a more influential and it doesn't. Her

338
00:11:31,919 --> 00:11:33,059
liking my

339
00:11:33,495 --> 00:11:34,715
my, you know, blazer

340
00:11:35,174 --> 00:11:37,815
and her, you know, liking my attention and

341
00:11:37,815 --> 00:11:40,455
us having this what's that actually do though

342
00:11:40,455 --> 00:11:43,575
for my life? Right. So recovery is really

343
00:11:43,575 --> 00:11:45,894
kind of examining the process in the first

344
00:11:45,894 --> 00:11:47,290
place and just being like why are you

345
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,970
doing this? So so what? You're gonna go

346
00:11:48,970 --> 00:11:51,070
flirt with her and what harm your marriage?

347
00:11:51,129 --> 00:11:52,649
Or even worse, sleep with her and and

348
00:11:52,649 --> 00:11:53,549
wind up divorced?

349
00:11:53,929 --> 00:11:55,850
Right? Lose all the respect from your your

350
00:11:55,850 --> 00:11:56,350
kids?

351
00:11:57,210 --> 00:11:58,809
Right? You know, are your kids ever gonna

352
00:11:58,809 --> 00:12:00,009
talk to you again when they find out

353
00:12:00,009 --> 00:12:01,710
how many times you've cheated on your wife?

354
00:12:01,769 --> 00:12:03,668
Yeah. Again, we just we just have to

355
00:12:03,668 --> 00:12:05,755
examine this process because, you know, to empathize

356
00:12:05,755 --> 00:12:07,842
with addicts in that moment, you're using a

357
00:12:07,842 --> 00:12:09,929
lot of the brain processes that you've seen

358
00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:12,016
on TV. You know, I have a lot

359
00:12:12,016 --> 00:12:14,103
of empathy for guys. I mean, guys, you

360
00:12:14,103 --> 00:12:16,330
you are victims of this. You are. I

361
00:12:16,330 --> 00:12:17,769
mean, and and I know that betrayed partners

362
00:12:17,769 --> 00:12:19,529
is hard to hear that because of what

363
00:12:19,529 --> 00:12:21,610
we've done to our wives and the ugliness

364
00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:23,610
of I mean, we we basically just ruined

365
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:25,450
these poor women. Right? And and and that

366
00:12:25,450 --> 00:12:27,289
that their recovery is 20 times harder than

367
00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:29,764
ours. They're certainly victims, but I would also

368
00:12:29,764 --> 00:12:31,684
say, you know, guys you're victims of this

369
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,384
too. And what I mean by that is,

370
00:12:34,644 --> 00:12:36,804
you know the media portraying and and TV

371
00:12:36,804 --> 00:12:38,644
shows watch all these shows. These guys have

372
00:12:38,644 --> 00:12:40,884
side chicks all the time, right? The wealthier

373
00:12:40,884 --> 00:12:43,080
and more powerful the guy, the more women

374
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,220
are constantly shown

375
00:12:44,519 --> 00:12:46,860
being lusted lusting after this guy.

376
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,000
You know and it's been going on, right?

377
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,399
The Sopranos, right? Tony Soprano has always got

378
00:12:51,399 --> 00:12:52,759
him and all his friends have the side

379
00:12:52,759 --> 00:12:54,440
girls, right? They even conduct their business out

380
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,399
of a strip club. I don't know if

381
00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:56,860
you guys remember that.

382
00:12:57,294 --> 00:12:58,975
You know James Bond, right? Is James Bond

383
00:12:58,975 --> 00:12:59,634
a monogamous

384
00:13:00,014 --> 00:13:01,855
man who's committed to his wife and his

385
00:13:01,855 --> 00:13:04,254
kids? No. Right? So we we constantly Batman.

386
00:13:04,254 --> 00:13:06,735
Batman is is single and and you know

387
00:13:06,735 --> 00:13:08,975
he's obsessed with Rachel but he's constantly being

388
00:13:08,975 --> 00:13:11,610
lusted after by all these super attractive women.

389
00:13:11,610 --> 00:13:12,669
So the point is

390
00:13:13,289 --> 00:13:15,370
is all through middle school, all through high

391
00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:17,769
school, all through college, you know the emphasis

392
00:13:17,769 --> 00:13:19,049
that you know all the guys are trying

393
00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:21,049
to sleep with attractive women. Right? So there's

394
00:13:21,049 --> 00:13:23,690
this emphasis on that's where you that's how

395
00:13:23,690 --> 00:13:25,529
you know how manly you are. That's how

396
00:13:25,529 --> 00:13:28,264
you know how desirable, how successful, how rare,

397
00:13:28,264 --> 00:13:30,684
how accomplished you are is the validation

398
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,065
from other people. Not just women you know

399
00:13:33,065 --> 00:13:33,725
but people.

400
00:13:34,264 --> 00:13:36,664
And so a recovery plan would be undoing

401
00:13:36,664 --> 00:13:38,204
that, right? So that would be first

402
00:13:38,690 --> 00:13:41,409
examining what is admiration, what is respect, and

403
00:13:41,409 --> 00:13:42,629
how does one earn it,

404
00:13:43,009 --> 00:13:45,330
right. And really examining is my is my

405
00:13:45,330 --> 00:13:47,649
plan actually how one earns respect. Look at

406
00:13:47,649 --> 00:13:49,809
what happened to Tiger Woods. I don't know.

407
00:13:49,809 --> 00:13:51,490
Sure look like it ruined his legacy to

408
00:13:51,490 --> 00:13:53,634
me, right. So so why do you think

409
00:13:53,634 --> 00:13:55,254
that this is a good plan, right?

410
00:13:56,115 --> 00:13:58,215
Other other pieces would in that would be,

411
00:13:58,595 --> 00:14:01,095
the objectification of women, right? Have you examined

412
00:14:01,154 --> 00:14:03,715
how using a person for self gain? How

413
00:14:03,715 --> 00:14:04,375
how how

414
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:07,419
I mean how how selfish and self centered

415
00:14:07,419 --> 00:14:09,899
and and and just frankly just just I

416
00:14:09,899 --> 00:14:12,799
mean mean and and degrading that really is,

417
00:14:12,860 --> 00:14:14,879
right? Have you examined that what you're doing,

418
00:14:15,019 --> 00:14:16,299
right? Are you are you because you're not

419
00:14:16,299 --> 00:14:18,299
disclosing to these women, hey I'm gonna use

420
00:14:18,299 --> 00:14:19,679
you tonight for your attention

421
00:14:20,105 --> 00:14:21,545
validation and I'm gonna say things to get

422
00:14:21,545 --> 00:14:23,225
you to say nice things about me. We

423
00:14:23,225 --> 00:14:24,745
never say that. If you did she'd leave,

424
00:14:24,745 --> 00:14:26,745
she'd walk away from you. But again that's

425
00:14:26,745 --> 00:14:28,524
what you're doing, right. We have this manipulative

426
00:14:29,144 --> 00:14:31,465
plan that we're using people, right. So so

427
00:14:31,465 --> 00:14:33,065
a recovery plan would be how do I

428
00:14:33,065 --> 00:14:35,305
stop manipulating others? How do I validate myself

429
00:14:35,305 --> 00:14:36,000
rather than constantly

430
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,559
needing external validation?

431
00:14:39,519 --> 00:14:41,220
It would also be why why do I

432
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,200
why do I feel like there's more for

433
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,200
me to accomplish? Why am I not okay

434
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:46,720
and just good enough the way that I

435
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:47,779
am on this trajectory?

436
00:14:48,575 --> 00:14:50,575
Right? Whatever it is. I mean obviously every

437
00:14:50,575 --> 00:14:52,495
guy has a different trigger as to why

438
00:14:52,495 --> 00:14:54,735
they would then go need validation but that's

439
00:14:54,735 --> 00:14:57,134
your work, that's your recovery work, right? There's

440
00:14:57,134 --> 00:14:58,815
a there's a Rolandism that I that I

441
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,959
say in my recovery work groups. You can't

442
00:15:00,959 --> 00:15:03,620
recover unless you know what you're recovering from.

443
00:15:04,159 --> 00:15:05,860
I'm gonna say that again because it's incredibly

444
00:15:05,919 --> 00:15:07,839
important. You can't recover unless you know what

445
00:15:07,839 --> 00:15:10,000
you're recovering from, right? So you need to

446
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:13,120
figure out what is this pathology, what in

447
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:13,860
my environment,

448
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,815
how I'm feeling triggers me feeling like, you

449
00:15:17,815 --> 00:15:19,334
know, I am I am not enough. I

450
00:15:19,334 --> 00:15:21,274
am no one's paying attention to me.

451
00:15:21,735 --> 00:15:23,815
And then you go fishing for, again, these

452
00:15:23,815 --> 00:15:24,315
compliments,

453
00:15:25,095 --> 00:15:27,830
these successes, these these accolades, these these moments

454
00:15:27,830 --> 00:15:29,350
where people are telling you how how great

455
00:15:29,350 --> 00:15:30,870
you are, right? Moments in time where you're

456
00:15:30,870 --> 00:15:33,769
able to prove that you're better than others,

457
00:15:33,830 --> 00:15:35,669
right? But there's so much flaws in what

458
00:15:35,669 --> 00:15:37,750
I said. There's so much flaws in that,

459
00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:39,669
right? You know constantly trying to be better

460
00:15:39,669 --> 00:15:41,110
than others. Who wants to hang around that

461
00:15:41,110 --> 00:15:43,764
guy? Right? So again recovery work is just

462
00:15:43,764 --> 00:15:45,225
really testing your processes,

463
00:15:45,524 --> 00:15:46,745
testing them for insanity,

464
00:15:47,205 --> 00:15:48,725
testing them for the fact that they're are

465
00:15:48,725 --> 00:15:50,404
they really gonna get you what you're after

466
00:15:50,404 --> 00:15:52,404
and what you want, right? So that would

467
00:15:52,404 --> 00:15:53,764
just be one example of one of my

468
00:15:53,764 --> 00:15:55,284
pathologies. I'm not gonna go on and on

469
00:15:55,284 --> 00:15:56,549
and others but I'll give you just a

470
00:15:56,549 --> 00:15:59,429
couple more examples. Right? So so lying. Right?

471
00:15:59,429 --> 00:16:01,990
Lying would be a a pathology. Right? You

472
00:16:01,990 --> 00:16:04,230
know, lying, and there's and there's different forms

473
00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:06,149
of lying. Right? There's people who, you know,

474
00:16:06,149 --> 00:16:08,309
the objective is to control their life. They

475
00:16:08,309 --> 00:16:09,769
wanna control outcomes.

476
00:16:10,154 --> 00:16:11,855
And so they use lying, manipulation,

477
00:16:12,315 --> 00:16:13,295
omitting the truth,

478
00:16:14,075 --> 00:16:15,055
bending the truth.

479
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:18,555
They use all these things to to craft

480
00:16:18,555 --> 00:16:21,134
an outcome, right? We call it image management.

481
00:16:22,250 --> 00:16:23,610
Come on, it's lying. That's what it is.

482
00:16:23,610 --> 00:16:25,610
You're you're trying to craft a way of

483
00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:27,929
being so that people think a certain thing

484
00:16:27,929 --> 00:16:29,850
about you and say certain things about you,

485
00:16:29,850 --> 00:16:30,350
right.

486
00:16:31,289 --> 00:16:33,629
What's another example? Another example would be

487
00:16:34,264 --> 00:16:36,184
would be people pleasing, right? You know this

488
00:16:36,184 --> 00:16:37,325
this obsession with

489
00:16:38,105 --> 00:16:40,684
the most important thing you can do is

490
00:16:40,904 --> 00:16:42,825
make someone like you, make someone be impressed

491
00:16:42,825 --> 00:16:44,504
with you. Again, what's the flaw with that?

492
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,825
Every single person has a different definition of

493
00:16:46,825 --> 00:16:48,799
what's impressive. So you basically have to just

494
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,720
become a full time sell out and impress

495
00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,639
the people in front of you, right. That

496
00:16:52,639 --> 00:16:54,960
that's your only option because again this person

497
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,200
will admire the the the guy who's strong

498
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,960
in his faith and so now you have

499
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,000
to be a guy who's strong in his

500
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,120
faith. Then you go over to this guy

501
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:01,860
and this guy's

502
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,705
impressed by you know your muscles and and

503
00:17:04,705 --> 00:17:06,625
and how and how many attractive women you

504
00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:07,984
can get, right? So now you gotta impress

505
00:17:07,984 --> 00:17:11,184
him. Meanwhile, violating your your your values and

506
00:17:11,184 --> 00:17:13,105
your if your faith, you know, your religious

507
00:17:13,105 --> 00:17:15,825
beliefs, right? And so it's just this madness,

508
00:17:15,825 --> 00:17:17,025
right? We we you know, it's a it's

509
00:17:17,025 --> 00:17:18,809
a double life, a triple life, life, a

510
00:17:18,809 --> 00:17:20,669
quadruple life. Anyways, these are just some examples.

511
00:17:20,730 --> 00:17:22,589
My point is a recovery plan

512
00:17:23,369 --> 00:17:25,710
is you going in and watching

513
00:17:26,009 --> 00:17:29,130
that that addictive or compulsive process, right, your

514
00:17:29,130 --> 00:17:30,029
process addiction

515
00:17:30,494 --> 00:17:31,714
and coming through and making

516
00:17:32,095 --> 00:17:33,474
sure, have I changed that?

517
00:17:33,934 --> 00:17:35,474
Because if you haven't changed it,

518
00:17:36,015 --> 00:17:38,815
you're not in recovery and you're certainly not

519
00:17:38,815 --> 00:17:40,414
recovered and and you might not even be

520
00:17:40,414 --> 00:17:41,775
on the road to recovery. Right? If you're

521
00:17:41,775 --> 00:17:44,335
just leaning on sobriety practices, that's all you're

522
00:17:44,335 --> 00:17:45,750
doing. Is just barriers,

523
00:17:46,130 --> 00:17:46,869
check ins,

524
00:17:47,809 --> 00:17:49,970
popping in meetings. You know, if you haven't

525
00:17:49,970 --> 00:17:50,470
changed

526
00:17:50,849 --> 00:17:51,349
the

527
00:17:51,730 --> 00:17:53,190
core of the process,

528
00:17:54,049 --> 00:17:56,450
what's you know, why is your wife supposed

529
00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:57,109
to believe

530
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,029
that it's not gonna happen again?

531
00:17:59,644 --> 00:18:01,404
Right? And and these ladies are smart, right?

532
00:18:01,404 --> 00:18:03,404
They're not stupid. They can see they can

533
00:18:03,404 --> 00:18:04,924
see that they they start to figure your

534
00:18:04,924 --> 00:18:07,484
process addiction out especially at post discovery and

535
00:18:07,484 --> 00:18:09,345
so they're wanting to see that change,

536
00:18:09,724 --> 00:18:11,325
right? For and for those of you who

537
00:18:11,325 --> 00:18:13,559
are trying to rebuild trust within your relationship,

538
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,420
it's your ability to

539
00:18:16,039 --> 00:18:16,539
identify,

540
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,559
police and change your process addiction that will

541
00:18:19,559 --> 00:18:22,600
actually build trust with your wife, right? Because

542
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,279
blind trust is gone. She's not gonna just

543
00:18:24,279 --> 00:18:25,480
sit back and say oh I trust him,

544
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,000
he'll never do this again. That's that's a

545
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,759
thing of the past. Where she will start

546
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:30,044
to regain trust is when it's like you

547
00:18:30,044 --> 00:18:30,664
know what,

548
00:18:31,044 --> 00:18:31,544
I

549
00:18:32,005 --> 00:18:34,164
I I trust him to keep himself safe.

550
00:18:34,164 --> 00:18:35,924
I trust him to keep our family safe

551
00:18:35,924 --> 00:18:38,404
because he knows what his pathology is, he's

552
00:18:38,404 --> 00:18:40,804
working with his recovery group, he has a

553
00:18:40,804 --> 00:18:42,565
peer group, you know my groups the reason

554
00:18:42,565 --> 00:18:43,224
I keep

555
00:18:43,630 --> 00:18:45,869
the group's size as small and I keep

556
00:18:45,869 --> 00:18:48,109
you with the same 10 men the whole

557
00:18:48,109 --> 00:18:50,669
time is because once they figure out your

558
00:18:50,669 --> 00:18:52,669
process addiction, they start you know they I

559
00:18:52,669 --> 00:18:54,190
mean they come down on you. You know

560
00:18:54,190 --> 00:18:56,269
I mean they're they're they're they're hard on

561
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:58,509
you in in a loving way but basically

562
00:18:58,509 --> 00:19:00,545
they're not you know, I don't I don't

563
00:19:00,545 --> 00:19:01,825
call my groups. If you go to my

564
00:19:01,825 --> 00:19:04,164
website, I don't call my groups sobriety groups

565
00:19:04,464 --> 00:19:05,984
because they're not. I actually say on my

566
00:19:05,984 --> 00:19:08,224
website you need to have some decent sobriety

567
00:19:08,224 --> 00:19:09,125
under your belt

568
00:19:09,505 --> 00:19:11,105
before you get into my groups. I'm not

569
00:19:11,105 --> 00:19:12,625
I'm not I don't I don't wanna play

570
00:19:12,625 --> 00:19:15,609
the whole sobriety game. That's go go take

571
00:19:15,609 --> 00:19:16,730
care of that and then come into my

572
00:19:16,730 --> 00:19:18,170
groups when you're actually trying to change this

573
00:19:18,170 --> 00:19:19,210
thing and get out of your life. Now

574
00:19:19,210 --> 00:19:20,570
last thing I want to say was in

575
00:19:20,570 --> 00:19:22,809
the beginning I said some guys kind of

576
00:19:22,809 --> 00:19:24,269
need to like fast forward

577
00:19:24,890 --> 00:19:26,730
you know, sobriety and kind of you know

578
00:19:26,730 --> 00:19:28,809
not skip to but like hurry up and

579
00:19:28,809 --> 00:19:31,434
just kind of start crafting a recovery plan.

580
00:19:31,755 --> 00:19:33,275
Other I mean you can't you can't recover

581
00:19:33,275 --> 00:19:34,954
without sobriety, right? So I mean you need

582
00:19:34,954 --> 00:19:36,634
sobriety but the guys who, you know, a

583
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:37,855
lot of the guys in my groups,

584
00:19:38,634 --> 00:19:41,275
they're not really sex addicts and porn addicts

585
00:19:41,275 --> 00:19:43,140
in that very traditional sense in the sense

586
00:19:43,539 --> 00:19:44,820
that you know to be an addict you

587
00:19:44,820 --> 00:19:46,900
can't stop. My guys can you know I

588
00:19:46,900 --> 00:19:49,220
would say probably seventy percent of the guys

589
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:50,820
in my group you know when they get

590
00:19:50,820 --> 00:19:51,720
caught they stop.

591
00:19:52,099 --> 00:19:54,099
They stop and you know even after the

592
00:19:54,099 --> 00:19:56,579
grief phase wears off there's not this like

593
00:19:56,579 --> 00:19:59,234
massive urge to go back to it, right.

594
00:19:59,234 --> 00:20:01,154
So so you know are they addicted? I

595
00:20:01,154 --> 00:20:02,355
don't know. I think they kind of fall

596
00:20:02,355 --> 00:20:03,494
more into that compulsive

597
00:20:03,875 --> 00:20:06,274
that compulsive category, right, where they're just violating

598
00:20:06,274 --> 00:20:07,414
their morals and values,

599
00:20:08,674 --> 00:20:10,400
rather than having an addiction. So why do

600
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,000
I say that? Well, because if you're not

601
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,400
addicted, you know, if you've just had like

602
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,319
six or seven affairs over the last ten

603
00:20:16,319 --> 00:20:18,240
years, and you've had periods of time where

604
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:19,920
you're not having an affair and then you

605
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,099
got caught and you had really no problem

606
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:23,505
stopping having affairs,

607
00:20:24,464 --> 00:20:26,065
you're not an addict. I mean that just

608
00:20:26,065 --> 00:20:28,464
by definition, right? So so again hanging out

609
00:20:28,464 --> 00:20:29,984
and so you know these guys it always

610
00:20:29,984 --> 00:20:31,105
kind of is funny to me when I

611
00:20:31,105 --> 00:20:32,464
see them like you know I ask them

612
00:20:32,464 --> 00:20:33,664
hey what are you doing in your recovery

613
00:20:33,664 --> 00:20:35,265
and they're again they're just naming off all

614
00:20:35,265 --> 00:20:36,660
these sobriety. Oh I'm going to to two

615
00:20:36,660 --> 00:20:37,400
twelve step meetings a week. I've

616
00:20:38,259 --> 00:20:40,019
got these blockers here. I got these check

617
00:20:40,019 --> 00:20:41,859
ins. I've got a sponsor. You know, it's

618
00:20:41,859 --> 00:20:44,660
like it's like cool and again, I'm not

619
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:47,059
asking them to stop any of that. But

620
00:20:47,059 --> 00:20:48,980
again, it's like you kinda weren't really an

621
00:20:48,980 --> 00:20:51,674
addict anyways, right? Stopping wasn't necessarily that big

622
00:20:51,755 --> 00:20:53,595
of an issue for you. And so, you

623
00:20:53,595 --> 00:20:55,755
know, this obsession with sobriety, again, I think

624
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,115
I think a lot of that energy would

625
00:20:57,115 --> 00:20:59,434
be better channeled and just kind of getting

626
00:20:59,434 --> 00:21:00,715
right back to the what's the root cause

627
00:21:00,715 --> 00:21:01,674
of this? How do I how do I

628
00:21:01,674 --> 00:21:04,075
change some of this stuff? So, hopefully, that

629
00:21:04,075 --> 00:21:05,215
makes sense. So again,

630
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:06,779
both are necessary.

631
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,200
Again, I agree with, you know, everyone states

632
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,960
and it and it's true. Right? You can't

633
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,519
really recover if you're not, you know, sober

634
00:21:14,519 --> 00:21:16,279
or or even you're still engaging in these

635
00:21:16,279 --> 00:21:16,779
behaviors.

636
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,394
But again, you know, we we we do

637
00:21:19,394 --> 00:21:20,535
need to ultimately

638
00:21:21,234 --> 00:21:23,234
recover. I mean, that is that is that

639
00:21:23,234 --> 00:21:25,955
is the solution. Sobriety isn't the solution. Sobriety

640
00:21:25,955 --> 00:21:27,795
is a band aid. Right? Sobriety is how

641
00:21:27,795 --> 00:21:30,115
we keep ourselves safe. Sobriety is how we

642
00:21:30,115 --> 00:21:32,355
stay positioned to be able to do recovery.

643
00:21:32,355 --> 00:21:35,130
So again, sobriety technically, but you know is

644
00:21:35,190 --> 00:21:38,549
is actually number one but only because not

645
00:21:38,549 --> 00:21:40,950
because it's actually number one, it's number one

646
00:21:40,950 --> 00:21:43,269
because you can't do the recovery work without

647
00:21:43,269 --> 00:21:45,269
ceasing the behaviors. But again for the guys

648
00:21:45,269 --> 00:21:47,154
listening to this who really had no not

649
00:21:47,154 --> 00:21:48,055
a hard time stopping,

650
00:21:48,994 --> 00:21:50,914
you know, how much energy do we put

651
00:21:50,914 --> 00:21:52,914
into this addiction that you might not even

652
00:21:52,914 --> 00:21:54,595
have. You might have fallen more into that

653
00:21:54,595 --> 00:21:56,755
compulsive category. And if you did, you know,

654
00:21:56,755 --> 00:21:58,275
let's kinda just let's let's get on to

655
00:21:58,275 --> 00:22:00,194
the recovery stuff. Right? Let's change this. Let's

656
00:22:00,194 --> 00:22:02,059
change this because again, if you don't change

657
00:22:02,059 --> 00:22:03,700
it, you're gonna do it again and that's

658
00:22:03,700 --> 00:22:05,940
why we see this relapse rate so high

659
00:22:05,940 --> 00:22:07,160
in this field is,

660
00:22:07,619 --> 00:22:10,180
you know, we can't just play in sobriety

661
00:22:10,180 --> 00:22:12,039
land. Eventually, we need to undo

662
00:22:12,660 --> 00:22:14,980
the brain processes that drove all this behavior

663
00:22:14,980 --> 00:22:16,845
in the first place. So for for those

664
00:22:16,845 --> 00:22:18,204
of you who have not read my book,

665
00:22:18,204 --> 00:22:20,125
a great place to kind of wrap your

666
00:22:20,125 --> 00:22:21,424
head around recovery

667
00:22:22,204 --> 00:22:23,565
is is my book. Right? It's the High

668
00:22:23,565 --> 00:22:26,285
Achievers Guide to Sex Addiction Recovery. It's on

669
00:22:26,285 --> 00:22:28,525
Amazon. It's also on Audible. I read it

670
00:22:28,525 --> 00:22:29,825
myself with my voice.

671
00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:32,200
I know for for some people that matters.

672
00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:33,640
So check out my book.

673
00:22:34,660 --> 00:22:36,100
And then obviously just go back through my

674
00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:37,859
podcast. You know, I this whole, you know,

675
00:22:37,859 --> 00:22:40,100
I I talk about this thing like it

676
00:22:40,100 --> 00:22:41,240
is, like it's classified

677
00:22:41,539 --> 00:22:42,200
in the

678
00:22:44,835 --> 00:22:46,002
Psychological Association. It's a process addiction. That's how

679
00:22:46,002 --> 00:22:47,875
this is that's how this is classified. So

680
00:22:47,875 --> 00:22:50,035
really, if you're not examining your processes, you

681
00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:52,115
haven't mastered what they are and you certainly

682
00:22:52,115 --> 00:22:54,535
haven't talked to your therapist or CSAT

683
00:22:54,914 --> 00:22:57,095
about how to undo some of those processes,

684
00:22:57,154 --> 00:22:59,529
how to change that identity of yours that

685
00:22:59,529 --> 00:23:01,730
that relies on these things. Again, are you

686
00:23:01,730 --> 00:23:03,650
in recovery? I don't mean this in any

687
00:23:03,650 --> 00:23:04,710
disrespect. I just

688
00:23:05,170 --> 00:23:07,650
my mission is to put an end to

689
00:23:07,650 --> 00:23:09,730
relapsing, put an end to broken families, put

690
00:23:09,730 --> 00:23:11,089
an end to I mean you break your

691
00:23:11,089 --> 00:23:13,589
wife's heart a second time. Guys, it is

692
00:23:13,765 --> 00:23:15,845
it is hard. You break it a third.

693
00:23:15,845 --> 00:23:16,825
I I

694
00:23:17,285 --> 00:23:18,644
mean, for the ladies listening to this, you

695
00:23:18,644 --> 00:23:19,845
know what I'm talking about. I mean, it's

696
00:23:19,845 --> 00:23:22,005
it's just devastating. So again, I'm not coming

697
00:23:22,005 --> 00:23:23,845
down on you guys to to to bust

698
00:23:23,845 --> 00:23:25,285
your balls and make you feel like you're

699
00:23:25,285 --> 00:23:25,785
not,

700
00:23:26,164 --> 00:23:28,085
in great recovery or, you know, I'm just

701
00:23:28,085 --> 00:23:30,539
I'm just I just wanna make sure that

702
00:23:30,539 --> 00:23:33,019
more families don't get ruined through relapses, that

703
00:23:33,019 --> 00:23:34,700
you guys actually get to a safe and

704
00:23:34,700 --> 00:23:37,179
healthy place where your brain has changed rather

705
00:23:37,179 --> 00:23:38,460
than you just finding a way to stop

706
00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:39,039
the behaviors.

707
00:23:41,019 --> 00:23:42,640
Thanks for listening to this episode.

708
00:23:42,944 --> 00:23:44,464
If you are a high achiever with a

709
00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:46,304
sex addiction and you're looking for a recovery

710
00:23:46,304 --> 00:23:49,904
group full of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

711
00:23:49,904 --> 00:23:52,704
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

712
00:23:52,704 --> 00:23:55,380
using four day retreats, weekly group group calls,

713
00:23:55,380 --> 00:23:57,779
and daily accountability check ins. If you wanna

714
00:23:57,779 --> 00:24:00,200
achieve long term sobriety and save your marriage,

715
00:24:00,420 --> 00:24:02,200
go to our website, fill out our application.

716
00:24:02,580 --> 00:24:04,980
If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

717
00:24:04,980 --> 00:24:06,660
along to a friend in recovery who would

718
00:24:06,660 --> 00:24:08,580
benefit from listening. It is my mission to

719
00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:10,334
get this information out to as many high

720
00:24:10,334 --> 00:24:12,574
achievers as possible, and I can't do it

721
00:24:12,574 --> 00:24:13,554
without your help.