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What you measure matters.

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What you measure improves.

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You've probably heard these sayings in business, but

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they apply to recovery.

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset

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of the high achiever.

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I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The

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Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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more information about joining our group or attending

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our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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If you're not measuring your recovery, if you

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don't have milestones, benchmarks, things you're focusing on,

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how do you know you're in good recovery?

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How do you know you're recovering? You know,

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this is even more, this is even more

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important for married men. Right? If you've betrayed

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your wife sexually,

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she's gonna wanna know, are you recovering? How

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do you know? How do we measure this?

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Right? What what are these milestones that we're

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looking for? And I can't tell you how

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many times I get on the phone with

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guys who wanna join my program and they're,

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you know, two or three years into recovery.

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They've relapsed. Right? And so they're they're looking

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for a more intense form of recovery. My

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program is extremely intense. Right? So they'll call

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me, and so I'll ask them. Right? Okay.

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This guy's been, you know, in in, quote,

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unquote, recovery for,

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you know, two or three years. And so

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so I'll ask him to kind of explain

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to me, hey. What is your specific

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process addiction? Right? You know, your specific sex

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addiction. Right? What what what does that entail?

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And then what were the pathologies or the

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the false beliefs, the,

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identity issues, integrity issues? What what were these

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specific things? Not just not just integrity,

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not just lying. I mean, that that's that's

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far too vague. Right? What are these specific

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things

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that caused you to do what you did?

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And then how do you know those things

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are going away?

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Right? What are you doing to actually take

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those, you know, faulty,

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behavior patterns or or or thought patterns, thought

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processes?

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Right? These these pathologies. What are you doing

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to get to get them out of your

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life? That's recovery and that should be measured.

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Now again, I I know I'm I'm making

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this sound a little black and white and

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it's not quite that linear. Linear. Right? You

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know, how do we measure the distrust or

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our distrust

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of others? Right? So let's, you know, it's

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a common one amongst sex addicts. They they

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don't trust other people. They they get their

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own needs met themselves.

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They've been doing this their whole lives. So

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so how do we measure the fact that

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you're now trusting other people? You're you're trusting

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the community to meet your needs.

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That's tough to to measure. Right? You know,

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I think we have to kinda come up

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with a custom milestone

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plan,

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with both your recovery group and your therapist

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so you can know where you're inching along

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in that progress. Right? And I think one

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of the one of the best ways to

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measure this is a recovery group, you know,

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a group that you're attending consistently. You know,

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one of the unique things about my groups

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is, you know, you're with these these nine

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other guys,

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you know, for the whole time you're in

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recovery. Right? So you guys are getting extremely

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close. A lot of them have, have attended

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two or three intensives out here in in

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Arizona at my house,

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together. Right? So, you know, these guys have

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gotten extremely close. And here's the advantage to

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that is,

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these guys know what your pathology is.

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And so, as you enter the group, obviously,

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you know, your your process addiction, your your

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problematic processes, you know, it's very obvious there.

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You're telling the group about this. But then

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as months go on, you know, the group

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can,

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help you see progress that you've made or

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help you see when you are kind of

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regressing, you know, maybe maybe

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trading back towards some of your your old

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habits that you're trying to break. So when

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we're talking about this this measuring

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recovery,

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let's let's zoom out a little bit. So

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what do I mean by this? Well, first

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off, you know, if if you've listened to

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my podcast, you've probably heard me bring up

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before. You know, you really should have a,

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you know, a a word document or or

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something

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saved somewhere where you are cataloging

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the,

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the things that that

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you didn't learn in life, the things that

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you're, you know, the the areas of life

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that you're, maybe lacking.

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And then, certainly, you know, the the more

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blatant ones. I always say there should you

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should you should have two

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very obvious,

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problematic

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thinking patterns, pathologies, whatever you wanna call them.

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You should have your top

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two front and center at any given time,

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and it should be absolutely working on those.

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So I'll give you a couple examples. So

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what I mean by that? And again, when

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I give example, I usually I usually talk

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about myself just because it's easier that way.

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So, you know, my my top two pathologies

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are,

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I'm

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performative. Right? So I I I believe that,

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a successful existence is how many people are

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impressed by you, how many women are attracted

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to you and wish that they could be

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your wife. Right? So my life became very

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performative. Right? How how how great can I

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be? How many things can I win? How

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many areas can I be number one? Right?

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How impressive and superior

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can I can I be? Right? So that

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was that was my one of my probably

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my biggest pathology. Right? A lot of high

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achieving men struggle with that one. Right? Especially

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in in The US. Right? We have this

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this hustle culture where where men are, you

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know, trying to pursue pursue greatness, excellence, superiority,

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whatever. So that was number one. Number two

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for me was, a distrust. I just I

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do not trust people to meet my needs

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in the way that I want them met.

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And that was just really from my childhood.

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Right? I get my own needs met. And

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the problem with that is, I prioritize my

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needs to, you know, often over other people's.

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Right?

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You know, because my needs are so important,

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I'll I'll I'll lie,

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if it if it helps meet my needs

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even if it hurts another person. Right? So,

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now those are my kinda my where my

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top two. Right? But you should have a

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list of, I don't know, five, six, seven,

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eight, you know, big

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I don't know what we're gonna call them,

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personality flaws, pathologies, problematic thought processes, whatever.

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You should have these catalog and you should

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be working on them. Now,

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so so that was with really zoomed out.

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So let's zoom in. Right? So so using

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those two examples that I just gave you

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about about my you know, when I was,

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you know, in in recovery,

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we need to measure those things. So, so

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let's use the the distrust of others to

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meet me my needs. Right? So,

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so how do I measure that I'm starting

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to trust other people? How do I measure

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that my needs are gonna get met? That

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I can just kind of relax,

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I can be one with the community. I

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don't have to constantly

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being, you know, having this scarce mindset of,

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like, what about me? What what about my

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needs? What about my future? What about my

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life? What about my career, my success, my

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fulfillment, my happiness? Right? How do I just

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kinda, like, chill out a little bit and

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just exist in the world,

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you know, with with a bunch of other

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people and, and trust that everything's gonna be

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okay, that that that I'm gonna be cared

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for, that life's gonna be alright, that I

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don't have to,

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micromanage and over engineer,

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and future plan, you know, and live in

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the future.

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Right? How do I live in the present

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and the and and stop

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fabricating all these all these plans that are

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basically pulling out of my life and making

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me run programs rather than, you know, live

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live here now. Because it is. It's hard

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to it's hard to live in integrity

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if you are,

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constantly living in the future and,

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constantly, you know, unsatisfied with where you are

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and trying to improve and get to a

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better place. It's just it's very challenging to

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be present and and stay in your integrity

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when you're off, you know, constantly living in

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in some sort of future and really not

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being satisfied with where you are today.

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So so how do we measure this?

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And like I said, it's it's tough. You're

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gonna have to use your recovery group here

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for for milestones. Maybe your wife or the

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married guys listening to this. You your wife

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could kinda help you, with those milestones if

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if she if she wants to.

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Your therapist for sure.

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Right? So your your your therapist or your

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CSAT, they should absolutely be able to help

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you look at at what what should we

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be what should we be monitoring

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to to track this progress.

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So, you know, I'll give you a couple

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examples of things that I looked for. So

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so in that area of distrust, again, number

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one was was how present am I and

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how, how much am I regretting and resenting

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things in the past, and how much am

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I dreaming and planning in the future? Am

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I just just here today, right now? Just

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enjoying this moment, doing whatever needs to be

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done right now. And so I'm I'm measuring

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my presence. Well, how did I know that?

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I did,

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one of the one of the guys I

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was working with at the time, he had

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me meditating every two hours, which was very

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annoying.

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But nonetheless, it was kind of cool to

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I I would I would go to a

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room, turn off the lights, lay down, and

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just do this quick little ten minute meditation.

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And what I found was there were some

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times where I would do the meditation, and

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it was great. I was grounded,

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got right into, you know, the the stillness.

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There were other times where I would came

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and come in and lay down, and, oh

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my gosh, those those ten minutes felt like

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an hour.

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You know, I was annoyed that I was

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meditating.

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My thoughts were my head was bouncing all

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over the place. You know, next thing you

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know, I've I've I've spent the last five

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minutes not not meditating but actually just thinking

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about tasks that I need to do. So,

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so that helped me understand. Okay. Wow.

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I'm I'm very not present right now.

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Right? And so as I was kind of

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going on, you know, through recovery, what one

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of those measurement strategies was, okay. When I'm

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doing these little little little meditation,

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practices every two hours,

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how often

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am I grounded in those and how often

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am I, you know, bouncing all over the

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place, manic,

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you know,

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you know, hating the hating the meditation and

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wanting to get just get back to to

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work or whatever it is that I'm doing.

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Right. So so measuring that would be one

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measure of me just me being able to

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be here now and trust that everything's gonna

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be okay.

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Another one would be, you know, how

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I was kinda gauging my own self importance.

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Right? So,

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you know, throughout the day, how often am

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I thinking about other people? How often am

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I thinking about,

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you know, what what

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the other people in my life, what they're

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going through, and how and how I,

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interact with that. Right? So my my self

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importance, you know, was always very, very exaggerated

295
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because again, I didn't trust anybody to meet

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my needs. Right? So,

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I I I thought about my life, my

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future,

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you know, it's all about me, me, me,

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me, me. Now that's not to say that

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I'm not, you know, a kind giving generous

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00:10:15,855 --> 00:10:17,294
person. I am. But if you looked at

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my brain, probably 90% of the day was

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focused on my future, advancing my life, my

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career,

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my hobbies, etcetera. Right? So,

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what I wanted to measure was is my

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where's my self importance? You know, how you

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know, am I am I okay with being

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equal to everybody else? You know, just being

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another another human just as important as every

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as everybody. And so one of the one

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of the ways that I would gauge this

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would be, when I was in public.

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Right? So when I'm in public, do I

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find myself comparing myself to others?

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Do I find myself, yeah, sizing people up,

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you know, labeling other people, categorizing other people?

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Because again, that's that's that's kinda sucking me

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in back into this over engineered existence that

321
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I had, where I'm constantly kind of scanning

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and and preparing,

323
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you know, finding people I can impress, finding

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people that I need to be better than.

325
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Right? So so, you know, when I'm in

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public, how how present am I or am

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I scanning? Am I scanning, planning, scheming,

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you know, off again, you know, not being

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present and calculating,

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you know, different ways to meet my needs,

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different people to impress,

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you know, assess

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again, measure you know, rather than being present,

334
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I'm constantly measuring how how good I'm doing

335
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in in life. You know? Am I the

336
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most attractive guy in this room?

337
00:11:32,065 --> 00:11:34,065
Oh, wow. He's better dressed than me. He's

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00:11:34,065 --> 00:11:35,825
more muscular than me than me. Whatever it

339
00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,264
is, you know, how so that was another

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one of my gauges was in public. You

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know, do I find myself just existing, just

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being there, enjoying enjoying the time, enjoying everything

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00:11:44,705 --> 00:11:46,570
around me. Right? Or am I am I

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am I thinking thinking thinking? Is my head

345
00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:50,009
spinning? So again, we could talk about this

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forever. That's not the point. I was just

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trying to give you guys some context as

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you're trying to to measure

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where you are.

350
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Because again, I think this is important. It's

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important for for two reasons. One, if you're

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not if you're if you're not this tapped

353
00:12:03,634 --> 00:12:05,174
into your recovery,

354
00:12:05,794 --> 00:12:07,475
how do you know your your recovery? How

355
00:12:07,475 --> 00:12:08,855
do you know you're in good recovery?

356
00:12:09,475 --> 00:12:11,649
Right? So so, you know, really doing the

357
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best you can to kind of measure, hey.

358
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What would this look like? Right? If I

359
00:12:15,649 --> 00:12:17,889
if I got this problem problematic thinking or

360
00:12:17,889 --> 00:12:19,570
this pathology, you know, if I got this

361
00:12:19,570 --> 00:12:20,929
out of my life, what would life be

362
00:12:20,929 --> 00:12:23,250
like? And then when I'm down here, okay,

363
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what are the steps that I can see

364
00:12:25,170 --> 00:12:25,910
in between

365
00:12:26,565 --> 00:12:28,245
where I am today and where I wanna

366
00:12:28,245 --> 00:12:29,445
go? Right? How would I how would I

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how would I gauge and measure any sort

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of progress? And again, for the married guys,

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00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:34,485
this is gonna be this is gonna be

370
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critical,

371
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with your partner. She is gonna wanna know,

372
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how how safe am I? How recovered are

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00:12:41,029 --> 00:12:42,470
you? Right? Am I an idiot to stay

374
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:43,829
with you? Or do are you gonna just

375
00:12:43,829 --> 00:12:45,529
do all of this again? Because remember,

376
00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:47,529
remember, remember, sex

377
00:12:48,870 --> 00:12:50,169
addiction, porn addiction,

378
00:12:51,035 --> 00:12:54,235
compulsive sexual behavior, cheating, infidelity, lie, whatever you

379
00:12:54,235 --> 00:12:55,855
wanna call all of this,

380
00:12:56,475 --> 00:12:58,174
all of this stuff happens

381
00:12:58,875 --> 00:12:59,375
because

382
00:12:59,835 --> 00:13:01,835
we let it happen. And what I mean

383
00:13:01,835 --> 00:13:04,110
by that is you have beliefs, beliefs about

384
00:13:04,110 --> 00:13:05,330
yourself, the world.

385
00:13:05,950 --> 00:13:08,289
You you have you have an outlook,

386
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:10,129
thought process

387
00:13:10,669 --> 00:13:12,450
that allows you to lie,

388
00:13:13,070 --> 00:13:15,710
that allows you to cheat, that allows you

389
00:13:15,710 --> 00:13:17,470
to, hey, my wife's not here. I'm gonna

390
00:13:17,470 --> 00:13:18,929
I'm gonna go do this. Right?

391
00:13:19,535 --> 00:13:21,774
The only reason these things happen is because

392
00:13:21,774 --> 00:13:22,915
you have beliefs

393
00:13:23,375 --> 00:13:25,295
that allow them to happen. So that's why

394
00:13:25,295 --> 00:13:27,215
it's critical for, you know, both well, I

395
00:13:27,215 --> 00:13:29,054
mean, married men, yes, and with your wife,

396
00:13:29,054 --> 00:13:30,735
the plan, but also just just single men

397
00:13:30,735 --> 00:13:32,174
trying to get trying to get a good

398
00:13:32,174 --> 00:13:32,674
recovery.

399
00:13:32,975 --> 00:13:35,159
You need to map this stuff out. You

400
00:13:35,159 --> 00:13:37,079
need to measure it. Otherwise, you know, I

401
00:13:37,079 --> 00:13:38,440
I think that's why we see such a

402
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,839
high level high rate of relapse in this

403
00:13:40,839 --> 00:13:43,100
in this, sex addiction field is,

404
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,799
I don't think men are I think they're

405
00:13:45,799 --> 00:13:47,820
doing I think they're checking off the boxes,

406
00:13:47,879 --> 00:13:50,085
but I don't think they're getting nearly as,

407
00:13:50,485 --> 00:13:50,985
introspective

408
00:13:51,925 --> 00:13:54,165
as they need to to secure a really

409
00:13:54,165 --> 00:13:55,945
solid stable recovery plan.

410
00:13:56,565 --> 00:13:58,725
Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

411
00:13:58,725 --> 00:14:00,485
are a high achiever with a sex addiction

412
00:14:00,485 --> 00:14:02,245
and you're looking for a recovery group full

413
00:14:02,245 --> 00:14:05,389
of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

414
00:14:05,389 --> 00:14:08,190
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

415
00:14:08,190 --> 00:14:09,490
using four day retreats,

416
00:14:09,790 --> 00:14:12,610
weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

417
00:14:12,670 --> 00:14:14,830
If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

418
00:14:14,830 --> 00:14:16,745
save your marriage, go to our website and

419
00:14:16,745 --> 00:14:19,065
fill out an application. If you enjoyed this

420
00:14:19,065 --> 00:14:21,304
episode, please pass it along to a friend

421
00:14:21,304 --> 00:14:23,225
in recovery who would benefit from listening. It

422
00:14:23,225 --> 00:14:25,065
is my mission to get this information out

423
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,465
to as many high achievers as possible, and

424
00:14:27,465 --> 00:14:29,085
I can't do it without your help.