The concept of the “root cause” is a bit oversimplified. Sex addiction is a complex problem that originates from many aspects of your life.
In this episode, I help men grasp the size of compulsive sexual behavior and how complex recovery really is.
Complex does not mean difficult… But it does mean that you will need to take this seriously if you want to achieve lasting recovery.
For the married men listening to this, trust is off the table after you betray your wife sexually. You will need to prove to her that you know how to prevent this from happening again.
At the end of the episode, I give men some ways that they can help uncover the complexities of their process addiction so that they can create an effective recovery plan.
If you have not yet read my book, I spend most of it helping men uncover the “why” behind their sexual acting out. You can find it here on Amazon and on Audible: https://a.co/d/0j6eRiQR
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FULL TRANSCRIPT
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– I like calling it a process addiction because
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– it’s that big. Okay? That’s reason number one
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– why I’m sharing this with you is you
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– gotta appreciate the size of this thing or
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– you’re gonna relapse. Right? That’s why we see
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– almost seventy percent of men having a significant
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– relapse within five years is because
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– I don’t think they were in recovery. I
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– think they were just in sobriety. Right? They
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– found a way to stop doing these things.
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– And then they’re like, hey. See. Look at
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– me. I’ve been a year or two years
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– or three years. I haven’t done it before.
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– But again, if you don’t change the beliefs
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– and the brain processes that drove the behavior
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– in the first place, you are not in
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– recovery and I believe you are at risk
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– of relapse.
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– You are listening to the sex addiction podcast
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– for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.
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– This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and
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– recovery principles
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– specifically to the mindset of the high achiever.
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– I’m your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The
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– Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving
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– men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For
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– more information about joining our group or attending
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– our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.
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– And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.
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– The root cause of your behavior. Right? You’ll
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– hear people talk about this a lot being
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– the key to recovery. And I agree, but
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– I disagree.
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– I agree, and I have other episodes on
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– this around how I agree. But I think
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– the concept of the root cause is a
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– little oversimplified.
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– It makes it sound like there is a
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– single
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– reason why you did the things that you
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– did. And that’s a bit dangerous because what
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– you’ll find is the root cause is actually
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– far bigger
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– than we realize. I’ll use me for example.
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– Right? I have a root cause. Anybody who’s
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– read my book has heard me talk about
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– it in the book. You’ve heard me talk
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– about the podcast. Right? In the end, I
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– can summarize mine to really one sentence. Right?
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– I grew up and wondered if I mattered.
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– Right? Because a lot of the people in
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– my childhood didn’t really make me feel like
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– I was significant. And so, I spent the
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– rest of my freaking life
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– proving my significance. And my process addiction was
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– the root cause, if you want to call
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– it that, was
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– I measured my
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– success or my mattering
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– by how many men were envious of me
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– and wanted to be me, wanted the life
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– that I had, wanted to have the things
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– that I have, the creative things that I
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– created. And then how many women wanted to
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– sleep with me? How many women were attracted
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– to me? How many women wanted me to
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– give their attention? How many women wanted me
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– to give me their attention? Right? That was
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– really how I measured it. Right? How many
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– men want to be me? How many women
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– want to be with me? Right? Here’s the
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– challenge with simplifying like that. It’s actually so
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– much
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– bigger. And again, like, yes, that’s the root
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– cause. But I’ll give you some examples. Right?
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– So let’s just continue with me, for example,
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– just because it’s easy for me to talk
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– about. There’s inadequacies.
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– Right? So the reason I’m striving so much,
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– a lot of high achieving men don’t know
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– this, but achievement is almost always birthed out
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– of insecurity and inadequacy. Right? I’m not enough
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– the way I am today, and I will
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– be enough when I get more. Right? And
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– so there is this endless accumulation. I’m not
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– okay if I just stop today. Right? That’s
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– not okay. I need more. Right? So there’s
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– inadequacies and insecurities. Right? And there’s a ton
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– of stuff in terms of where those came
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– from. Right? There’s hierarchy, social hierarchies. Right? Like,
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– oh, I’m down here and so many men
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– are up here and better than me. There’s
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– insecurities around your appearance and, oh, I I
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– don’t look successful enough. I don’t have enough.
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– My resume is not thick enough. My financial
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– portfolio is not big enough. My house is
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– not nice enough. Right? And those are just
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– some examples. Right? And then we have a
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– whole another plethora about the beliefs you have
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– about people. Right? And what they think of
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– you. So, oh, people only respect people like
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– this. Or people judge people like that. Or
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– nobody cares about people until they cross this
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– threshold. Right? So it’s all these beliefs around
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– how we gain approval, how we matter in
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– society, etcetera.
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– These are just like a couple examples. There’s
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– hundreds. There’s hundreds upon hundreds. There’s a bunch
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– of like materialism
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– beliefs of things that I feel like I
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– need to acquire so that I can prove
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– to everybody that I matter. I mean, hundreds
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– upon hundreds truly. I mean, that’s how big.
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– So, yes, while you can summarize
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– the root cause into a sentence, it’s so
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– much bigger than people realize. And the reason
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– I’m recording this episode is, well, really two
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– reasons.
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– One, I don’t think you’re in recovery
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– unless you understand how big
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– this thing really is. I don’t like the
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– word root cause. I prefer you guys have
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– probably heard me say this, right? I prefer
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– calling this thing a process addiction.
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– And the reason I like using that word
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– is it indicates that the brain has these
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– processes
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– that it is relentlessly pursuing as compulsive around
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– or addicted to or, or sees value in.
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– And it’s your job in recovery to figure
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– out what those are. And it’s way more
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– than one.
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– It’s truly hundreds, if not thousands. Okay. There’s
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– a lot of things that we are thinking
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– about that drive our day to day behavior.
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– Some of those things are good things. Some
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– of those things are going to get you
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– into trouble with your marriage or even with
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– yourself. Right? Int integrity issues. Okay? I like
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– calling it a process addiction because it’s that
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– big. Okay? That’s reason number one why I’m
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– sharing this with you is you gotta appreciate
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– the size of this thing or you’re gonna
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– relapse. Right? That’s why we see almost seventy
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– percent of men having a significant relapse within
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– five years is
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– because I don’t think they were in recovery.
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– I think they were just in sobriety. Right?
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– They found a way to stop doing these
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– things. And then they’re like, hey, see, look
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– at me. I’ve been a year or two
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– years or three years. I haven’t done it
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– before. But again, if you don’t change the
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– beliefs and the brain processes
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– that drove the behavior in the first place,
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– you are not in recovery. And I believe
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– you are at risk of relapse. I always,
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– you know, in my book, I talk about,
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– it’s like the third chapter or something, I
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– talk about how recovery is on a spectrum.
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– And if you are down on the unhealthy
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– side of the spectrum, right, you just get
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– discovered,
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– right, you’re beginning recovery,
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– you’re way down on the unhealthy side, Right?
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– The unsober side. And relapse is is a
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– lot more likely down there. It’s not gonna
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– take that much for you to make a
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– bad decision. But as we start recovering, we
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– start marching up towards the healthier side of
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– the spectrum.
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– And the closer and closer you get over
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– there, the harder and harder it is for
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– you to act out. Right? There’s a lot
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– more inner turmoil, a lot more second guessing
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– yourself, a lot of a lot of talking
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– yourself out of things. It’s that healthy inner
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– talk that keeps you from making the bad
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– decisions. Right? But here’s the thing. If you’re
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– lower down on the spectrum, it’s more likely
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– it’s gonna happen. And I think a lot
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– of guys, because they’re so focused on sobriety
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– and not recovery, they’re on the unhealthy side
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– of the spectrum even though they’re not doing
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– the same behaviors. Right? So they’re actually not
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– that far away from relapse.
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– The second reason that I am recording this
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– episode is for the married men here. And
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– that’s because your wife is going to need
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– to know. I mean trust is gone. So
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– the only way that she is going to
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– be able to stay with you and have
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– any resemblance
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– of safety
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– while in this new kind of recovery marriage
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– with you is if she understands how the
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– heck this happened. And that’s not just this
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– simplified explanation of your root cause. Right? It’s
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– this greater understanding
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– of all of the things that went into
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– it. Where it came from. When this all
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– started. Why it started. Right? It’s the understanding
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– of the entire web of your process addiction
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– that actually allows you to dismantle it, change
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– it, and protect yourself and protect your marriage
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– from you doing any of this again. Now,
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– another word that I don’t necessarily love is
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– recovery. Because again, I think it’s too simple,
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– right? It’s the opposite of the unhealthy behaviors.
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– But again, similar to root cause, I also
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– think that that’s too simple. Because to me,
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– I like to call it self mastery
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– because what we know about humans is they’re
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– incredibly
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– complex
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– and it would take a lifetime, truly a
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– lifetime to understand all of your brain processes
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– and find all of the problematic ones. Most
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– of the time that’s be it’s, it’s not
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– your fault. It’s because we don’t know it’s
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– a problem until we know it’s a problem.
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– Right. That’s why sex addiction and all this
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– cheating and infidelity
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– guys are always baffled when they look at
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– it. Like, Oh my gosh. Like, I can’t
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– believe I got here. Well, it’s because of
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– what I just said, right? We don’t really
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– see the problems in this belief system until
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– it becomes a problem.
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– So, the reason I like to call it
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– self mastery is
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– it sets you up really to get into
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– a container where you’re continuously
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– understanding yourself. You’re continuously understanding
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– how your beliefs formed, where they came from.
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– Because here’s what’s going to happen. You’ll start
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– to identify some really significant
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– aspects of your childhood, your teenage years, and
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– even your early adult years. And you’ll start
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– identifying these really impactful events
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– that made you adapt.
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– Again, it could be somebody singling you out
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– and talking down to you. It could be
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– somebody overlooking you and choosing somebody else over
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– you. Right? It doesn’t have to be these
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– massive traumas. It could be this little life
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– event where you feel like, man, if I
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– just had this, this and this, I would
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– have been chosen that day. Right? If I
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– would have just had those three things, that
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– person wouldn’t have embarrassed me in front of
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– everybody. So then we spend, you know, it
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– sounds so bizarre, but then we spend the
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– rest of our life really unknowingly to us
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– trying to acquire these things so that these
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– adverse events don’t happen to us. Right? But
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– it’s that understanding
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– that helps you form what I like to
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– call self mastery. It’s this constant understanding that
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– I need to be careful because I have
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– really big gaps
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– in my mental processes
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– that if I execute on them perfectly, they
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– can lead to a ton of success. Success
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– in your career, success in your friendships and
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– relationships, success in your kind of philanthropic activities.
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– But if you execute on those in the
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– wrong way, it could end in, emotional affair,
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– a physical affair. Just one bad decision that
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– has the potential to, yes, ruin your marriage,
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– but also there’s a lot of guys in
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– my groups that have had pretty significant career
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– consequences. There’s some men who the relationship with
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– their children has been really significantly harmed by
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– what they’ve done to their kid’s mother. Right?
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– And so I like calling it self mastery
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– because it puts you on this introspective
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– trajectory
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– to essentially become the master of self. Right?
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– Because again, the goal is not perfection because
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– humans just aren’t perfect. It’s just it’s just
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– the nature of how we are. The goal
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– is understanding your imperfection so that they don’t
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– bother you. Right? They don’t ruin your life.
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– They don’t end up in making any of
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– these unwanted decisions. Right. So in, in many
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– ways you end up acting, you know, not
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– perfect, but closer to perfect while still being
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– imperfect the whole time. You just develop a
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– a self mastery lifestyle so that these things
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– aren’t disrupting the very things that you cherish
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– most. Now, I wanna end with giving you
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– guys a couple examples of what to do,
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– right? Because discovering
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– your process addiction
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– or root cause, whatever you wanna call it,
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– it’s really important, but it because of how
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– big it is, there’s a lot to be
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– done there. So I wanna give you guys
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– a couple kind of options. Number one, without
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– question, are intensives.
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– In person intensives. Okay? And there’s a couple
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– different ways to do this. I offer them
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– as a part of my groups, and there’s
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– other intensives out there. A lot of my
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– friends and colleagues have group intensives that they
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– offer, but it doesn’t have to be a
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– formal group intensive.
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– You could also just find a because again,
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– the problem with group intensives is they’re usually
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– on a particular date, right? And if your
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– life’s in a way where you don’t have
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– the flexibility to attend that particular date, then
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– you’re gonna have to do an individual intensive,
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– which is cool. So, and here’s the thing
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– I love about individual intensives
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– is find a, a therapist on my podcast
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– or on somebody else’s podcast, or a YouTube
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– video, or something that you really resonate with.
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– You’re like, I like that guy. Send him
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– an email. A lot of therapists,
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– not all of them, but a lot of
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– therapists do do in person multi day intensives.
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– And here’s the neat thing is, let’s say
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– that that therapist is only licensed in California
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– and you live in New Jersey. It’s not
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– a big deal because for the intensive, you’ll
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– just fly out there, grab a hotel for
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– a few nights, do six to ten hour
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– days with this therapist,
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– and dive more into the root. And, and
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– here’s where this is different than therapy. Therapy
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– is great, but here’s kind of the challenge
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– is in an hour session or a ninety
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– minute session. The real challenge with therapy is
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– we kind of have to pick a thing
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– and then we have to go deep on
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– that thing. Right? And then really next week,
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– we can’t really pick another thing because in
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– sixty, ninety minutes, that one thing’s not far
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– from done. Right? The first session really just
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– kind of exposed it, put awareness to it.
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– But then we need two, three, four, or
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– five sessions to really figure out kind of
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– how we’re gonna modify this belief system or
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– this, oh, this faulty pattern. Okay. And then
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– after that’s done. Okay. Cool. Five, six, seven
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– visits later, we’re onto the next thing. Well,
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– the problem is there’s usually twenty, thirty, forty,
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– fifty
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– problematic things in somebody’s process addiction. And so
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– while therapy is great, here’s the challenge with
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– sex addiction recovery is there is a sense
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– of urgency here because we need to again
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– get ourselves on that healthy side of the
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– recovery spectrum as fast as possible, especially if
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– you’re married. Because I I don’t know about
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– you, but my wife was not going to
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– tolerate
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– a slip or a relapse.
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– Right? She was not going to tolerate that.
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– She needed me in great recovery and she
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– needed me to be honest and never make
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– this mistake again. So there was a sense
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– of urgency in there and that’s why I
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– love intensives. Now I’m still biased towards group
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– intensives and here’s why the challenge is therapists
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– are wonderful, but it’s just one person’s opinion,
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– right? So they’re going to do their best
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– to help create moments for you. Cause that’s
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– really what you’re paying for with these intenses,
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– right? It’s not so much healing because healing
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00:13:00.490 –> 00:13:02.570
– takes more than three days, but it’s that,
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00:13:02.570 –> 00:13:05.129
– okay, holy smokes. I understand me now. I
375
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– understand how all of this happened. And then
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– from there we go on through the recovery
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– process of, of making all the modifications.
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– The cool thing about groups and the reason
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– groups are so popular and all the research
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– says that peer support groups are the most
381
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– effective thing you can do is you’re getting
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– a bunch of other people’s
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– opinions and outlooks. And so you’re creating way
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– more moments. And this is why I always
385
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– encourage, try to find a group full of
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– people like you. Right? Similar goals, similar aspirations,
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00:13:30.679 –> 00:13:33.480
– similar place in life, similar mindset. Because obviously
388
00:13:33.480 –> 00:13:35.320
– the more like you they are, the more
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– and more you guys are gonna have very
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00:13:36.759 –> 00:13:40.279
– similar experiences, which then again statistically increases the
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– chances of you having those light bulb moments
392
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– about why all of this happened. Right? Understanding
393
00:13:45.664 –> 00:13:48.225
– your process addiction. Again, if you can’t access
394
00:13:48.225 –> 00:13:50.225
– that, that’s fine. Therapy, I’ve done a ton
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– of just one on one therapy intensives and
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– they’re, and they’re extremely effective as well. The
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00:13:55.110 –> 00:13:57.129
– other thing that you can do is consume
398
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– books and podcasts, YouTube videos, etcetera. And the
399
00:14:00.629 –> 00:14:02.309
– reason for this is again, we’re trying to
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00:14:02.309 –> 00:14:04.149
– get, we’re trying to hear as many just
401
00:14:04.149 –> 00:14:06.549
– concepts and ideas as we can about, again,
402
00:14:06.549 –> 00:14:08.834
– your past, your present. You’re trying to put
403
00:14:08.834 –> 00:14:10.355
– all the pieces together so that you can
404
00:14:10.355 –> 00:14:11.815
– start tracing these breadcrumbs
405
00:14:12.195 –> 00:14:14.355
– back to where this all came from. Right?
406
00:14:14.355 –> 00:14:16.514
– That’s the whole concept of root cause. Here’s
407
00:14:16.514 –> 00:14:18.274
– the only challenge with books and podcasts or
408
00:14:18.274 –> 00:14:20.355
– any kind of passive resource that you’re consuming
409
00:14:20.355 –> 00:14:20.855
– is
410
00:14:21.320 –> 00:14:22.759
– I love my book. I think it’s very
411
00:14:22.759 –> 00:14:23.799
– helpful. A lot of guys have found it
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00:14:23.799 –> 00:14:25.399
– helpful. The problem is I don’t know who
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00:14:25.399 –> 00:14:27.959
– you are. I’ve never met you before, or
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00:14:27.959 –> 00:14:29.720
– maybe I have, depending on who’s listening to
415
00:14:29.720 –> 00:14:31.639
– this podcast. But because I didn’t write the
416
00:14:31.639 –> 00:14:33.959
– book for you, we’re gonna miss a lot
417
00:14:33.959 –> 00:14:35.704
– of context. So that’s the only reason I
418
00:14:35.704 –> 00:14:39.004
– still guide men towards in person intensives is
419
00:14:39.065 –> 00:14:41.485
– it’s this neat opportunity to really make customized
420
00:14:42.184 –> 00:14:44.824
– feedback and customized recovery plan for you as
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00:14:44.824 –> 00:14:47.070
– an individual for your specific process addiction.
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– Your third option is, again, therapy. It’s not
423
00:14:50.269 –> 00:14:51.870
– like therapy is not gonna help with all
424
00:14:51.870 –> 00:14:54.029
– this. A really good therapist is gonna help
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00:14:54.029 –> 00:14:56.190
– you retrace all these things. That’s not a
426
00:14:56.190 –> 00:14:57.870
– bad thing. The only reason I’m partial to
427
00:14:57.870 –> 00:15:00.669
– intensives and even passive materials is you can
428
00:15:00.669 –> 00:15:03.044
– increase the speed at which you’re consuming it.
429
00:15:03.044 –> 00:15:04.725
– Now there is such thing as too much
430
00:15:04.725 –> 00:15:07.284
– recovery. Okay? So, so don’t do that, but
431
00:15:07.284 –> 00:15:09.365
– find that sweet spot where you’re basically you
432
00:15:09.365 –> 00:15:12.404
– have the opportunity to assemble everything that you
433
00:15:12.404 –> 00:15:14.404
– need to figure out how this happened and
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– create a plan so you can get it
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– out of your life. And here’s the last
436
00:15:17.365 –> 00:15:19.100
– thing I’ll leave you with. I have never
437
00:15:19.100 –> 00:15:21.820
– met a man who has mastered self, who
438
00:15:21.820 –> 00:15:23.600
– has continued to slip and relapse.
439
00:15:24.059 –> 00:15:25.980
– Okay? Self mastery is the name of the
440
00:15:25.980 –> 00:15:28.220
– game. You need to figure out, yes, the
441
00:15:28.220 –> 00:15:29.899
– root cause, but more importantly, you need to
442
00:15:29.899 –> 00:15:31.774
– figure out a way of living so that
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– you can prevent any of these harmful beliefs
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– and kind of kind of these, you know,
445
00:15:35.695 –> 00:15:36.975
– whatever you wanna call them. I call them
446
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– pathologies, but whatever you wanna call these beliefs
447
00:15:39.215 –> 00:15:41.134
– in your head that you developed early in
448
00:15:41.134 –> 00:15:43.455
– life as adaptations to help you. And in
449
00:15:43.455 –> 00:15:45.475
– many ways, they made you extremely successful.
450
00:15:46.259 –> 00:15:48.259
– They’re going to cause you harm though if
451
00:15:48.259 –> 00:15:50.019
– you have not mastered self and figured out
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– a way to prevent these from affecting your
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00:15:51.700 –> 00:15:54.019
– life. Right? In my own recovery, there’s a
454
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– ton of things that I have gotten past
455
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– that I feel like are potentially out of
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– my life permanently and have not continued to
457
00:16:00.340 –> 00:16:01.924
– haunt me. But there are one or two
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00:16:01.924 –> 00:16:03.764
– or three of my brain processes that I
459
00:16:03.764 –> 00:16:05.764
– feel them. Sometimes I feel them daily. Sometimes
460
00:16:05.764 –> 00:16:07.365
– I feel them once a month. They are
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00:16:07.365 –> 00:16:09.044
– there. And those things are going to threaten
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00:16:09.044 –> 00:16:10.485
– the safety that my wife and I have
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00:16:10.485 –> 00:16:12.105
– built. So, it’s my self mastery
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– that I have developed that prevents those things
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00:16:14.485 –> 00:16:16.289
– from coming back into my life. But again,
466
00:16:16.289 –> 00:16:18.049
– I’ve never met a man who has mastered
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– self who continues to slip and relapse.
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– Thanks for listening to this episode. If you
469
00:16:23.330 –> 00:16:25.090
– are a high achiever of the sex addiction
470
00:16:25.090 –> 00:16:26.850
– and you’re looking for a recovery group full
471
00:16:26.850 –> 00:16:29.954
– of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.
472
00:16:29.954 –> 00:16:32.754
– We provide men with a recovery mastermind group
473
00:16:32.754 –> 00:16:35.554
– using four day retreats, weekly group calls, and
474
00:16:35.554 –> 00:16:38.194
– daily accountability check ins. If you wanna achieve
475
00:16:38.194 –> 00:16:40.610
– long term sobriety and save your marriage, go
476
00:16:40.610 –> 00:16:42.230
– to our website and fill out our application.
477
00:16:42.529 –> 00:16:45.009
– If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it
478
00:16:45.009 –> 00:16:46.690
– along to a friend in recovery who would
479
00:16:46.690 –> 00:16:48.610
– benefit from listening. It is my mission to
480
00:16:48.610 –> 00:16:50.370
– get this information out to as many high
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00:16:50.370 –> 00:16:52.610
– achievers as possible, and I can’t do it
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00:16:52.610 –> 00:16:53.589
– without your help.
