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– Just because

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– you’re able to stop the behaviors,

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– it does not mean that you’re necessarily sober.

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– And I wanna speak to this because the

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– problem with sobriety and recovery think is that,

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– okay, hey, I stopped the behavior, so therefore

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– I’m sober.

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– I don’t like to call this a sex

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– addiction or a porn addiction. I like to

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– call this a process addiction. And the reason

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– I like to call it a process addiction

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– is there are thought processes and brain processes,

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– rituals that you are addicted to. And sometimes

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– they end in sexual acting out or using

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– women for tension and validation or using women

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– to get a feeling that you wanna feel.

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– But that’s not necessarily

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– the thought process that led there. In fact,

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– what I find is actually most men, the

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– thought process that they’re compulsive around or addicted

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– to is way more problematic than just something

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– sexual.

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– You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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– for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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– This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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– recovery principles

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– specifically to the mindset of the high achiever.

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– I’m your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The

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– Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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– men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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– more information about joining our group or attending

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– our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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– And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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– So it’s been a while since I have

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– talked about the difference between sobriety and recovery.

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– I have an episode on this early on

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– in my podcast. It’s one of my most

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– listened to episodes. It’s also the email topic

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– that I get from most betrayed partners who

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– email me after listening to my podcast. They

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– want to talk about the difference between this.

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– It’s also the most common topic for guys

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– who who newly start my program.

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– They wanna know, hey. I I think I’ve

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– been doing sobriety

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– really for the last year or for the

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– last two years. I don’t feel like I’ve

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– gotten into recovery. So from a high level,

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– I just want to redefine the difference between

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– those two. Right? Sobriety is finding a way

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– to stop

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– doing

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– the undesirable

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– behaviors, the addictive behaviors, impulsive behaviors. Right? So

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– finding a way to stop and there’s a

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– bunch of different ways. I’ll kind of talk

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– about that in a bit, but finding a

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– way to stop doing up. Recovery is getting

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– to a point where they don’t tempt you

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– anymore. The thoughts might pop in your head,

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– but they don’t really have any sort of

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– traction. There’s no really allure to any of

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– that behavior anymore. That way of being, that

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– way of thinking, it kind of starts to

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– feel foreign to you and recovery is what

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– we were trying to achieve because that’s where

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– you’re really safe. That’s where your marriage is

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– really safe. Right? It’s to the point where

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– these thoughts may still enter my brain. I’m

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– just not really attracted to them anymore. They

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– start to feel like somebody else’s thoughts.

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– That’s recovery. That’s when you really know you’re

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– you’re you’re starting to get into, safe territory

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– because you’re just making better decisions. Right? The

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– recovery guy sees the threat, and he goes,

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– you know

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– what? That room is not a room that

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– I should be in. That is not a

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– room my wife would want me in. So

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– he doesn’t go in that room.

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– That’s recovery. Right? He really has so much

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– distance from this that he’s actually in control

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– and proactively making decisions because he wants to.

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– Right? Not because he needs to, not because

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– he has to, but it’s it’s in alignment

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– with the life he’s trying to build. Okay?

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– But I would say a lot of guys

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– don’t actually get into what I would say

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– good recovery.

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– Right? So much of their focus is on

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– sobriety. Right? So it’s not doing the behaviors.

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– It’s trying to get them out of your

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– life, trying to not think about them, trying

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– to just never engage in them again. And,

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– again, that works until it doesn’t.

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– And I know no one likes to hear

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– this, but the the relapse rate is is

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– is high in this in this field. It’s

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– really high. Right? It’s it’s almost seventy percent

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– of that guys are are relapsing, having significant

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– relapse

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– at year five. Right? So as much as

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– we like to say, okay. Hey. I’m good

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– to go. It’s easy to stay sober as

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– long as, you know, this is right in

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– front of your face. But, you know, as

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– time goes on, if you haven’t done the

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– recovery work, are you really safe? Is your

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– marriage really safe? Right? And the statistics would

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– say no. So let’s kinda get into what

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– we’re talking about here. So, again,

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– sobriety

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– is not doing the behavior. So let’s look

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– at this real quick. Right?

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– The majority of guys who get into my

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– program

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– actually have no problem really stopping the behaviors.

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– So their wife discovers them, and they don’t

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– wanna do this behavior. They can’t believe it.

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– Their marriage is exploding. And, actually, not doing

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– this stuff

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– is easy for probably eighty percent of them.

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– There is at least one to two guys

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– in all of my groups where

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– they actually are

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– a addict, so they are a sex addict.

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– They’re not compulsive. Right? So they’re actually… They

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– are addicted. Right? And again, what’s the definition

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– of addiction? The true definition of addiction is

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– that you can’t stop on your own and

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– you need a higher level of care to

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– stop. Right? So if you can just stop

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– and make the decision to stop on your

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– own, you’re not, by definition, an addict. Right?

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– You’re what we would call compulsive.

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– But the reason I bring up that difference

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– right now is just because

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– you’re able to stop the behaviors

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– right after you’re discovered or or… It does

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– not mean that you’re necessarily sober. And I

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– wanna speak to this because

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– we we typically, you know, the problem with

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– sobriety and recovery think is that, okay, hey,

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– I stopped the behavior, so therefore I’m sober.

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– For those of you who’ve listened to most

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– of my episodes, I don’t like to call

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– this a sex addiction or a porn addiction.

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– I like to call this a process addiction.

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– And the reason I like to call it

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– a process addiction is

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– there are thought processes and brain processes, rituals

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– that you are addicted to.

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– And sometimes they end in sexual acting out

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– or using women for attention, validation, or using

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– women to get a feeling that you wanna

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– feel. Right? So sometimes they end in

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– some sort of sexual acting out behavior or

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– violating your marital agreements, but that’s not necessarily

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– the thought process that led there. In fact,

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– what I find is actually most men, the

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– the thought process that they’re compulsive around or

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– addicted to,

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– the thought process

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– is way more problematic than just something sexual.

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– The most common ones I… You know, obviously,

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– my groups are full of a lot of

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– driven kind of high achieving

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– men. And what we see with a lot

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– of high achieving men is the most common

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– thought processes is, yes, they’ll use women for

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– a lot of these things, but really the

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– problem is they like getting attention, they like

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– validation, they like feeling wanted, desired, they like

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– feeling superior, like they’re like they’re better than

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– others, like they’re the one who’s winning. Right?

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– They like to feel again successful. They like

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– to feel like they’re in control. Some of

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– them like to feel like they’re admired, like

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– other people envy them or wish they could

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– be them. Right? So they have these thought

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– processes that have made them wildly

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– successful

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– in business,

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– wildly successful in their in their career. Right?

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– Their constant ability to kind of shape shift

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– and do whatever the other person in front

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– of them wants them to do. Those things

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– typically make you very successful in business. The

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– problem is

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– that’s not what life’s all about. Right? Life’s

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– not all about

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– being better than other people and winning more

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– than other people win. Life’s not about

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– being

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– special and unique to to the point where

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– you’re getting attention and being admired and being

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– chosen more than others. Right? Again, when we

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– look in business and kind of capitalism,

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– yeah, being unique and being chosen and being

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– the one who rises above the rest. Yeah,

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– absolutely. And even within school, if we look

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– about through our upbringing, we live in a

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– very performance heavy society, especially in The US.

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– And so it might feel like you’re not

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– doing anything wrong. And, again, that’s why this

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– this type of process addiction is is so

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– scary is there’s so many aspects of our

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– kind of performance based world that would say

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– you aren’t doing anything wrong. So the point

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– is, in order to feel okay… And, again,

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– high achieving men are real… Are no different

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– than men who are in the other 98%

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– of the world. Both people have the same

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– inherent

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– issue. It’s I’m not enough the way that

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– I am. What we find though with high

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– achieving men is that they go on a

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– mission to overcome that.

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– That could be through stacking up money. That

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– could be through career success and accolades. That

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– could be through proving it through their intellect

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– and how how much smarter they are, how

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– many journals they’ve been published in, etcetera. There’s

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– tons of different ways to prove

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– that you matter, to prove that you’re actually

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– exceptional. Right? And again, our world really caters

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– to that. But the problem is life’s not

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– about being better. Life’s not about standing out.

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– Right? A lot of those things actually make

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– you othered from the tribe, right? They act.

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– They actually bring you away, right? Being superior,

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– being the best, you’re kind of alone up

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– there and then everybody else is below you.

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– Right? So there’s so many different ways of

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– thinking that are problematic, right? There’s a lot

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– of when you look at I just did

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– an episode the other day. It’ll come out

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– next month on narcissistic traits. If you look

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– at a lot of these narcissistic traits, a

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– lot of these traits

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– are promoted in kind of successful male culture

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– and hustle culture. Right? There’s a lot of

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– inherent entitlement to that. But my point of

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– all of this is there’s tons of problematic

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– thought processes. And just because you, poof, were

246
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– able to be done with the sexual acting

247
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– out behaviors,

248
00:08:42.175 –> 00:08:44.175
– again, I hesitate to say that you have

249
00:08:44.175 –> 00:08:46.519
– become sober. Because if you still have a

250
00:08:46.519 –> 00:08:48.539
– ton of self centered thinking,

251
00:08:48.919 –> 00:08:50.600
– a lot of me, my, and my thinking,

252
00:08:50.600 –> 00:08:53.419
– my life, my career, my success, my joy,

253
00:08:53.879 –> 00:08:55.959
– right, my… Right? If you’re… If you spend

254
00:08:55.959 –> 00:08:57.799
– a lot of time thinking about what you

255
00:08:57.799 –> 00:08:59.985
– want, there’s a lot of entitlement with a

256
00:08:59.985 –> 00:09:01.424
– lot of that. Right. I deserve to get

257
00:09:01.424 –> 00:09:03.105
– this. Look how hard I have worked. Right.

258
00:09:03.105 –> 00:09:05.345
– If I work this hard, then I will

259
00:09:05.345 –> 00:09:06.945
– get this reward. There’s a lot of self

260
00:09:06.945 –> 00:09:10.245
– centered thinking and entitled thinking there. Again, measuring

261
00:09:10.304 –> 00:09:12.304
– how well you’re doing based off of how

262
00:09:12.304 –> 00:09:15.070
– many people you’re better than, that there’s problematic

263
00:09:15.070 –> 00:09:17.790
– thinking there. Measuring how well you’re doing in

264
00:09:17.790 –> 00:09:19.710
– life based off of how many women want

265
00:09:19.710 –> 00:09:22.110
– you and think you’re attractive, how many men

266
00:09:22.110 –> 00:09:24.029
– envy you and wish they could be you.

267
00:09:24.029 –> 00:09:25.550
– Right? How many people are looking up to

268
00:09:25.550 –> 00:09:27.595
– you? Right? Again, all these things, we don’t

269
00:09:27.595 –> 00:09:29.034
– see a lot of problem with in our

270
00:09:29.034 –> 00:09:29.774
– very materialistic,

271
00:09:30.475 –> 00:09:33.115
– formless based society. But all of these thinking

272
00:09:33.115 –> 00:09:33.615
– patterns

273
00:09:34.235 –> 00:09:35.454
– are potentially

274
00:09:35.754 –> 00:09:36.254
– problematic

275
00:09:36.634 –> 00:09:39.274
– within relationship because a lot of it’s about

276
00:09:39.274 –> 00:09:40.815
– you, and it’s really not considering

277
00:09:41.210 –> 00:09:42.590
– the marriage. It’s not considering

278
00:09:43.049 –> 00:09:45.610
– the marital agreement, preserving your sexual energy for

279
00:09:45.610 –> 00:09:47.450
– your wife. Right? A lot of it is

280
00:09:47.450 –> 00:09:50.009
– about you. You and feeling what… How you

281
00:09:50.009 –> 00:09:52.330
– wanna feel. So, again, just because you stop

282
00:09:52.330 –> 00:09:55.049
– the sexual behaviors, I hesitate to tell guys

283
00:09:55.049 –> 00:09:56.350
– that you’re sober

284
00:09:57.004 –> 00:09:58.605
– and that you can just jump and skip

285
00:09:58.605 –> 00:10:01.004
– to recovery. Because I do think in that

286
00:10:01.004 –> 00:10:02.684
– initial phase, yes, you need to stop all

287
00:10:02.684 –> 00:10:05.485
– the sexual acting out behaviors. Absolutely. That’s kind

288
00:10:05.485 –> 00:10:07.565
– of key sobriety there. But even for the

289
00:10:07.565 –> 00:10:09.245
– guys who are able to stop really quickly,

290
00:10:09.245 –> 00:10:10.950
– I want you to be honest with yourself.

291
00:10:11.029 –> 00:10:14.169
– How much of this problematic thinking still persists?

292
00:10:14.790 –> 00:10:16.230
– Even though it’s not ending in some sort

293
00:10:16.230 –> 00:10:18.470
– of sexual acting out. Right? Lying. Even not

294
00:10:18.470 –> 00:10:20.710
– sharing stuff with other people. Again, that’s not

295
00:10:20.710 –> 00:10:22.710
– that’s not healthy. And sometimes a lot of

296
00:10:22.710 –> 00:10:24.809
– guys, they’re just very private,

297
00:10:25.144 –> 00:10:26.745
– they say. Right? And they’re not sharing a

298
00:10:26.745 –> 00:10:28.504
– lot of how they feel, how things that

299
00:10:28.504 –> 00:10:30.504
– upset them, things they disagree with, times that

300
00:10:30.504 –> 00:10:32.264
– they’re feel embarrassed or they’re hurt. A lot

301
00:10:32.264 –> 00:10:33.804
– of guys are hiding this. Again,

302
00:10:34.184 –> 00:10:37.225
– that’s problematic because it’s it’s this hiding that

303
00:10:37.225 –> 00:10:39.870
– leads to violating our integrity. It’s this hiding

304
00:10:39.870 –> 00:10:41.790
– of of how we feel that leads to

305
00:10:41.790 –> 00:10:44.269
– a lot of our desires for control and

306
00:10:44.269 –> 00:10:45.950
– a lot of kind of entitled and self

307
00:10:45.950 –> 00:10:48.830
– centered thinking down the road. So, anyways, that’s

308
00:10:48.830 –> 00:10:49.330
– sobriety

309
00:10:49.710 –> 00:10:51.470
– for the guys who need to do it

310
00:10:51.470 –> 00:10:53.230
– for the the acting out behaviors and for

311
00:10:53.230 –> 00:10:54.429
– the guys who need to do it to

312
00:10:54.429 –> 00:10:56.774
– police their thoughts. I would still say you

313
00:10:56.774 –> 00:10:59.014
– are not sober until all of that stuff

314
00:10:59.014 –> 00:11:01.014
– has been tracked, has been monitored, and you

315
00:11:01.014 –> 00:11:03.175
– actually have systems to watch it and make

316
00:11:03.175 –> 00:11:05.254
– sure it doesn’t happen. Before I switch into

317
00:11:05.254 –> 00:11:07.335
– recovery, I just wanna say, like, for my

318
00:11:07.335 –> 00:11:10.049
– check ins, I personally could not stand

319
00:11:10.429 –> 00:11:12.610
– the typical kind of sex addiction check ins.

320
00:11:12.830 –> 00:11:14.210
– The way it made me feel,

321
00:11:14.669 –> 00:11:16.029
– because I didn’t have a lot of, you

322
00:11:16.029 –> 00:11:17.870
– know, acting out sexually every day, it wasn’t

323
00:11:17.870 –> 00:11:19.309
– like I had all these cravings. It wasn’t

324
00:11:19.309 –> 00:11:21.815
– like I was, like, counting down the spare

325
00:11:21.815 –> 00:11:23.654
– moments for when my wife wasn’t around so

326
00:11:23.654 –> 00:11:25.334
– I could go sleep with a girl or

327
00:11:25.334 –> 00:11:27.334
– go, you know, go go look at her

328
00:11:27.334 –> 00:11:29.174
– butt or something like that. Like, the typical

329
00:11:29.174 –> 00:11:31.254
– check ins really kind of annoyed me because

330
00:11:31.254 –> 00:11:32.695
– it put me into a corner where it

331
00:11:32.695 –> 00:11:34.375
– was like, hey. You need to check-in tonight

332
00:11:34.375 –> 00:11:35.815
– and tell me if you did anything sexually

333
00:11:35.815 –> 00:11:38.269
– today. And I I never really had a

334
00:11:38.269 –> 00:11:40.190
– problem with that, so I I didn’t like

335
00:11:40.190 –> 00:11:41.870
– ending our evenings with my wife and I

336
00:11:41.870 –> 00:11:43.149
– on, well, tell me tell me if you

337
00:11:43.149 –> 00:11:44.750
– acted out today or not. I didn’t like

338
00:11:44.750 –> 00:11:45.950
– the way it felt. It was like, listen.

339
00:11:45.950 –> 00:11:47.629
– That’s not… That was never an issue. I

340
00:11:47.629 –> 00:11:49.090
– wasn’t just running around

341
00:11:49.524 –> 00:11:51.684
– doing these things every single day. Now for

342
00:11:51.684 –> 00:11:53.605
– the guys who were doing these things every

343
00:11:53.605 –> 00:11:55.764
– day, yeah, that check-in actually would make sense.

344
00:11:55.764 –> 00:11:58.024
– But my point of this conversation here is

345
00:11:58.164 –> 00:12:00.584
– check ins are needed, especially through that initial

346
00:12:00.644 –> 00:12:02.904
– sobriety phase for the guys who are married.

347
00:12:03.044 –> 00:12:04.664
– It should be to help you

348
00:12:05.009 –> 00:12:07.750
– take inventory and really police your process addiction.

349
00:12:07.889 –> 00:12:10.129
– So for me, right, my check ins in

350
00:12:10.129 –> 00:12:11.570
– the evenings, it made way more sense to

351
00:12:11.570 –> 00:12:13.889
– say, hey. Did you exaggerate today? Did you

352
00:12:13.889 –> 00:12:16.690
– kind of posture and and act different than

353
00:12:16.690 –> 00:12:18.610
– you are to make somebody like you or

354
00:12:18.610 –> 00:12:21.144
– to please somebody? Did you say something just

355
00:12:21.144 –> 00:12:23.384
– to make somebody like you and lying? Right?

356
00:12:23.384 –> 00:12:24.904
– Did you did you, you know, exaggerating is

357
00:12:24.904 –> 00:12:26.664
– lying. Did you did you lie? Did you

358
00:12:26.664 –> 00:12:28.825
– kind of soften the corners of things to

359
00:12:28.825 –> 00:12:31.544
– make it easier to deliver? Did you omit

360
00:12:31.544 –> 00:12:33.544
– something to make it easier to deliver? Did

361
00:12:33.544 –> 00:12:34.845
– you avoid conflict

362
00:12:35.220 –> 00:12:36.659
– through some sort of strategy? Right? So that

363
00:12:36.659 –> 00:12:37.860
– was really a lot of the check ins

364
00:12:37.860 –> 00:12:40.419
– that I did because for me, my issue,

365
00:12:40.419 –> 00:12:41.940
– again, wasn’t that I was gonna run off

366
00:12:41.940 –> 00:12:44.259
– and break my, you know, act… Sexually act

367
00:12:44.259 –> 00:12:45.699
– out. That really wasn’t wasn’t gonna be a

368
00:12:45.699 –> 00:12:47.139
– massive issue for me. A lot of my

369
00:12:47.139 –> 00:12:49.585
– check ins with my wife really were policing

370
00:12:49.585 –> 00:12:51.985
– a lot of my problematic thought process that

371
00:12:51.985 –> 00:12:53.424
– got me here in the first place. So

372
00:12:53.424 –> 00:12:55.504
– that’s that’s really what sobriety looks like. Whether

373
00:12:55.504 –> 00:12:57.024
– you were able to actually stop acting out

374
00:12:57.024 –> 00:12:59.605
– or not, again, it’s more than just doing

375
00:12:59.745 –> 00:13:00.485
– the behaviors.

376
00:13:00.785 –> 00:13:02.725
– It’s you really taking the time to understand

377
00:13:02.785 –> 00:13:04.465
– how did I get to a place where

378
00:13:04.465 –> 00:13:06.440
– I was acting this way? And do you

379
00:13:06.440 –> 00:13:07.959
– have a plan to kind of take inventory

380
00:13:07.959 –> 00:13:10.059
– of that and place that? That’s all sobriety.

381
00:13:10.279 –> 00:13:12.860
– So what’s recovery? Well, recovery is…

382
00:13:13.240 –> 00:13:14.600
– There’s a number of things, and it’s gonna

383
00:13:14.600 –> 00:13:16.279
– be different from every single guy. Right? It

384
00:13:16.279 –> 00:13:18.039
– really depends on, like, all the stuff that

385
00:13:18.039 –> 00:13:19.320
– we were talking about. It depends on the

386
00:13:19.320 –> 00:13:20.700
– problematic thought processes

387
00:13:21.154 –> 00:13:22.054
– that you have.

388
00:13:22.355 –> 00:13:23.975
– So if you have a lot of problematic

389
00:13:24.115 –> 00:13:24.855
– thought processes,

390
00:13:25.475 –> 00:13:27.634
– you need to change those. So sometimes it’s

391
00:13:27.634 –> 00:13:29.875
– figuring out where they came from. Right? So

392
00:13:29.875 –> 00:13:31.634
– kind of going into your past and looking

393
00:13:31.634 –> 00:13:33.509
– at your childhood and your kind of your

394
00:13:33.509 –> 00:13:35.670
– upbringing to to determine, hey, when did this

395
00:13:35.670 –> 00:13:37.670
– first start happening, and what do we know

396
00:13:37.670 –> 00:13:39.830
– psychologically about people who do that? So you

397
00:13:39.830 –> 00:13:41.269
– can try to figure out, like, hey, where

398
00:13:41.269 –> 00:13:43.350
– did this come from? Right? So sometimes it’s

399
00:13:43.350 –> 00:13:45.210
– figuring out the origin. Sometimes

400
00:13:45.590 –> 00:13:46.250
– the origins,

401
00:13:46.644 –> 00:13:48.964
– it’s it’s important, but sometimes what’s more important

402
00:13:48.964 –> 00:13:51.445
– is the adaptation itself. Okay. Hey. Alright. Here’s

403
00:13:51.445 –> 00:13:53.044
– what my childhood… But what did I go

404
00:13:53.044 –> 00:13:54.964
– to do about that? So sometimes, you know,

405
00:13:54.964 –> 00:13:57.365
– the childhood might matter, but the adaptation might

406
00:13:57.365 –> 00:13:59.684
– actually be what really needs to be studied

407
00:13:59.684 –> 00:14:01.990
– the most. Right? How did I adapt to

408
00:14:01.990 –> 00:14:05.450
– overcome my childhood so I could thrive? Sometimes

409
00:14:05.750 –> 00:14:07.509
– the childhood for some people, it just it

410
00:14:07.509 –> 00:14:09.590
– just… It doesn’t resonate a ton. Their adaptations

411
00:14:09.590 –> 00:14:11.350
– don’t even resonate that much. A lot of

412
00:14:11.350 –> 00:14:13.110
– it is what they started doing when they

413
00:14:13.110 –> 00:14:15.695
– became an adult. So my point is we

414
00:14:15.695 –> 00:14:18.014
– need to focus on whatever makes sense for

415
00:14:18.014 –> 00:14:20.654
– your particular recovery and really really what resonates

416
00:14:20.654 –> 00:14:22.034
– with you. Right? Sometimes

417
00:14:22.335 –> 00:14:25.695
– the stereotypical kind of recovery exercises might not

418
00:14:25.695 –> 00:14:27.455
– resonate. It might not click with your brain.

419
00:14:27.455 –> 00:14:29.235
– You might not be able to see

420
00:14:29.540 –> 00:14:31.779
– where the pathology came from and and have

421
00:14:31.779 –> 00:14:33.379
– it make sense. Right? And so for that

422
00:14:33.379 –> 00:14:35.460
– person, that person’s recovery plan is gonna have

423
00:14:35.460 –> 00:14:36.820
– to be different. It’s like, alright. Well, this

424
00:14:36.820 –> 00:14:38.660
– isn’t working. Let’s try this. And if that’s

425
00:14:38.660 –> 00:14:40.820
– not working, let’s try something else. Let’s try

426
00:14:40.820 –> 00:14:43.754
– IFS. Let’s try some EMDR. Let’s try, you

427
00:14:43.754 –> 00:14:46.315
– know, recovery for a lot of people, it’s

428
00:14:46.315 –> 00:14:47.995
– a lot of trial and error. I mean,

429
00:14:47.995 –> 00:14:49.535
– I I probably worked with

430
00:14:49.995 –> 00:14:53.355
– 10 different CSATs and probably another four or

431
00:14:53.355 –> 00:14:56.879
– five different therapists and psychologists along the way,

432
00:14:56.960 –> 00:14:58.720
– even some sex therapists along the way. So

433
00:14:58.720 –> 00:15:00.240
– I was seeking out a lot of different

434
00:15:00.240 –> 00:15:02.500
– perspectives because I had to find a way

435
00:15:02.799 –> 00:15:04.960
– to, a, resonate with me and make sense,

436
00:15:04.960 –> 00:15:06.639
– but I also had to figure out what’s

437
00:15:06.639 –> 00:15:09.404
– gonna work with each of my individual pathologies

438
00:15:09.404 –> 00:15:11.245
– is what I call them. Right? But basically,

439
00:15:11.245 –> 00:15:13.245
– these problematic thoughts. So I know that sounded

440
00:15:13.245 –> 00:15:14.845
– a little bit vague and confusing, but that’s

441
00:15:14.845 –> 00:15:16.845
– because sobriety is pretty straightforward. It’s a lot

442
00:15:16.845 –> 00:15:18.144
– of just inventory taking,

443
00:15:18.445 –> 00:15:20.865
– getting curious about your behavior patterns.

444
00:15:21.360 –> 00:15:23.919
– Recovery is… That’s… The reason I think a

445
00:15:23.919 –> 00:15:25.679
– lot of guys don’t get into really good

446
00:15:25.679 –> 00:15:28.000
– recovery is that’s where things start to get

447
00:15:28.000 –> 00:15:29.759
– a little bit gray and murky. It’s gonna

448
00:15:29.759 –> 00:15:31.539
– be different. I would say in my program,

449
00:15:31.759 –> 00:15:33.360
– I have 60 guys in my program at

450
00:15:33.360 –> 00:15:35.679
– a time. All 60 guys have a different

451
00:15:35.679 –> 00:15:37.634
– recovery plan. Every single guy. And not only

452
00:15:37.634 –> 00:15:39.475
– that, the guys who have a recovery plan

453
00:15:39.475 –> 00:15:41.554
– that’s that’s kind of similar, both of them

454
00:15:41.554 –> 00:15:43.394
– are going about it in entirely different ways

455
00:15:43.394 –> 00:15:45.315
– because they both kind of resonate with a

456
00:15:45.315 –> 00:15:48.934
– different therapeutic modality or approach. Right? So again,

457
00:15:49.269 –> 00:15:51.929
– I can’t really tell you recovery looks like

458
00:15:52.070 –> 00:15:53.669
– because it is going to be different from

459
00:15:53.669 –> 00:15:55.029
– person to person. But here’s what I can

460
00:15:55.029 –> 00:15:57.529
– tell you. You should know what your problematic

461
00:15:57.589 –> 00:15:59.929
– thought processes are. You should know the psychology

462
00:16:00.149 –> 00:16:03.554
– behind why people use those, right? Why did

463
00:16:03.554 –> 00:16:05.235
– those problems occur? You should you should you

464
00:16:05.235 –> 00:16:07.315
– should know that, right? You should do your

465
00:16:07.315 –> 00:16:09.714
– best to understand why you in specific with

466
00:16:09.714 –> 00:16:12.934
– your particular upbringing in your life. You should

467
00:16:12.995 –> 00:16:14.355
– try to be able to figure out why

468
00:16:14.355 –> 00:16:17.000
– you latched on to those particular things. Right?

469
00:16:17.000 –> 00:16:19.000
– And then you should figure out what did

470
00:16:19.000 –> 00:16:21.159
– you do to overcome that. Right? Why do

471
00:16:21.159 –> 00:16:24.759
– you rely on success and your career so

472
00:16:24.759 –> 00:16:27.240
– much? Why do you need the attention from

473
00:16:27.240 –> 00:16:29.100
– women so much? Why do you need novelty,

474
00:16:29.320 –> 00:16:31.894
– risk, excitement? Like like, why are you willing

475
00:16:31.894 –> 00:16:34.394
– to basically burn your marriage to the ground

476
00:16:34.774 –> 00:16:37.575
– and completely jeopardize your reputation and and and

477
00:16:37.575 –> 00:16:39.975
– sometimes even, you know, going to jail for

478
00:16:39.975 –> 00:16:41.735
– some of the stuff that you’re doing? Why

479
00:16:41.735 –> 00:16:43.740
– was it so worth it to do all

480
00:16:43.740 –> 00:16:46.399
– that? That’s the question you need to answer

481
00:16:46.540 –> 00:16:48.139
– because you did. You almost burned a lot

482
00:16:48.139 –> 00:16:50.639
– of really important stuff to the ground here.

483
00:16:50.700 –> 00:16:52.379
– And so you need to answer that question

484
00:16:52.379 –> 00:16:54.220
– because in that moment, your brain said, you

485
00:16:54.220 –> 00:16:55.845
– know what? This is worth it. And that’s

486
00:16:55.845 –> 00:16:58.004
– quite scary. Right? So that’s really recovery is

487
00:16:58.004 –> 00:17:00.164
– to figure out what’s the psych… What’s the

488
00:17:00.164 –> 00:17:02.245
– thought process behind a guy who does what

489
00:17:02.245 –> 00:17:04.325
– I did? And and you should know that.

490
00:17:04.325 –> 00:17:06.325
– Right? Every single person listening to this, I

491
00:17:06.325 –> 00:17:08.164
– I would say until you figured out the

492
00:17:08.164 –> 00:17:10.289
– science and the psychology behind all of that,

493
00:17:10.289 –> 00:17:11.890
– I would say you’re you’re you’re not in

494
00:17:11.890 –> 00:17:14.230
– safe recovery. You’re not in good recovery. Now

495
00:17:14.450 –> 00:17:16.690
– just kinda to to wrap that up, what

496
00:17:16.690 –> 00:17:19.250
– do we know for sure, though? Like, yes.

497
00:17:19.250 –> 00:17:21.250
– Your recovery plan is gonna be customized to

498
00:17:21.250 –> 00:17:22.850
– each individual, but what do we know for

499
00:17:22.850 –> 00:17:24.734
– sure to help guys? Well, I would say

500
00:17:24.734 –> 00:17:26.654
– you need a one on one… You need

501
00:17:26.654 –> 00:17:27.795
– some trained,

502
00:17:28.255 –> 00:17:30.974
– well respected one on one person. I always

503
00:17:30.974 –> 00:17:32.974
– advise, you know, finding a therapist that you

504
00:17:32.974 –> 00:17:34.494
– can kinda stick with for a while, who

505
00:17:34.494 –> 00:17:35.934
– you really look up to, admire, or you

506
00:17:35.934 –> 00:17:38.080
– feels like feels like gets you. Right? So

507
00:17:38.080 –> 00:17:39.920
– we know you need great one on one

508
00:17:39.920 –> 00:17:41.940
– support. As much as we know that groups

509
00:17:42.080 –> 00:17:43.940
– are the cornerstone to great recovery,

510
00:17:44.240 –> 00:17:45.920
– the problem with groups, especially like my group,

511
00:17:45.920 –> 00:17:47.680
– like, I don’t I don’t work with guys

512
00:17:47.680 –> 00:17:49.680
– individually. Right? So they’re all in their groups.

513
00:17:49.680 –> 00:17:51.119
– And we know our groups are are are

514
00:17:51.119 –> 00:17:51.619
– quintessential.

515
00:17:51.994 –> 00:17:53.835
– But again, you need somebody there to kind

516
00:17:53.835 –> 00:17:55.755
– of make sure that you’re taking everything that

517
00:17:55.755 –> 00:17:57.674
– you get from group and are putting it

518
00:17:57.674 –> 00:17:59.434
– into your planet. Your plan is the best

519
00:17:59.434 –> 00:18:01.275
– plan and that you’re and that you’re actually

520
00:18:01.275 –> 00:18:03.994
– turning over every stone. Right? Again, groups are

521
00:18:03.994 –> 00:18:06.009
– phenomenal, but you do need that one on

522
00:18:06.009 –> 00:18:07.369
– one. So I would say… I would I

523
00:18:07.369 –> 00:18:09.289
– would highly advise everybody be working with one

524
00:18:09.289 –> 00:18:10.570
– on one. In fact, in order to get

525
00:18:10.570 –> 00:18:12.490
– into one of my my groups, you have

526
00:18:12.490 –> 00:18:14.589
– to be working with somebody one on one.

527
00:18:14.890 –> 00:18:17.289
– Then, of course, last but not least, but

528
00:18:17.289 –> 00:18:19.049
– as much as some people say it’s first,

529
00:18:19.049 –> 00:18:21.484
– yes, being in a good recovery group matters.

530
00:18:21.484 –> 00:18:23.085
– But I wanna explain why this is so

531
00:18:23.085 –> 00:18:25.644
– quintessential to your recovery. It is hard to

532
00:18:25.644 –> 00:18:27.884
– see things on your own. And in fact,

533
00:18:27.884 –> 00:18:29.565
– you know, even with a therapist or somebody

534
00:18:29.565 –> 00:18:31.565
– one on one, that’s one person’s perspective. I

535
00:18:31.565 –> 00:18:33.345
– would say gaining 10

536
00:18:33.750 –> 00:18:36.150
– men who you respect and admire and who

537
00:18:36.150 –> 00:18:38.150
– who got to know you, their perspective is

538
00:18:38.150 –> 00:18:39.670
– gonna show you things you would never see

539
00:18:39.670 –> 00:18:41.269
– on your own. Right? And it’s it’s gonna

540
00:18:41.269 –> 00:18:43.509
– really gonna be what’s gonna accelerate the effects

541
00:18:43.509 –> 00:18:45.430
– of your one on one therapy because your

542
00:18:45.430 –> 00:18:46.869
– group is going to be able to give

543
00:18:46.869 –> 00:18:49.804
– you so much valuable information about yourself of

544
00:18:49.804 –> 00:18:52.065
– things that you’ve seen at your different intensives

545
00:18:52.125 –> 00:18:54.204
– and that you’ve attended and your group that

546
00:18:54.204 –> 00:18:55.404
– you’ve attended. You’re gonna be able to bring

547
00:18:55.404 –> 00:18:57.164
– all that back to your therapist. So we

548
00:18:57.164 –> 00:18:58.765
– know that people need great one on one

549
00:18:58.765 –> 00:19:00.525
– therapy. We know that people need a really

550
00:19:00.525 –> 00:19:01.964
– killer group, and I would say you guys

551
00:19:01.964 –> 00:19:03.419
– need to stick with both. You need to

552
00:19:03.419 –> 00:19:05.500
– find a therapist that you like and stick

553
00:19:05.500 –> 00:19:07.099
– with them. And if you don’t like that

554
00:19:07.099 –> 00:19:09.019
– therapist, move on. Find another one, but you

555
00:19:09.019 –> 00:19:10.460
– need to find one that you really, really

556
00:19:10.460 –> 00:19:11.419
– like, and you need to stick with that

557
00:19:11.419 –> 00:19:12.779
– person. I I would really encourage you to

558
00:19:12.779 –> 00:19:14.379
– try to stick with them for a year

559
00:19:14.379 –> 00:19:15.899
– or two if if you really like the

560
00:19:15.899 –> 00:19:18.255
– person. Three. But really find somebody, and then

561
00:19:18.255 –> 00:19:19.954
– find a group that you can stick with,

562
00:19:20.174 –> 00:19:22.174
– again, for a year or two or three.

563
00:19:22.174 –> 00:19:23.855
– And and don’t just settle for one. I’m

564
00:19:23.855 –> 00:19:25.855
– telling you, that’s dangerous, you guys. I think

565
00:19:25.855 –> 00:19:26.674
– good recovery…

566
00:19:27.294 –> 00:19:29.134
– Probably one of the biggest things that you

567
00:19:29.134 –> 00:19:30.930
– can get in recovery is is having a

568
00:19:31.090 –> 00:19:33.009
– really great therapist you’re sticking with and a

569
00:19:33.009 –> 00:19:34.930
– really killer group that you’re sticking with. I

570
00:19:34.930 –> 00:19:36.850
– think jumping from groups or it’s just staying

571
00:19:36.850 –> 00:19:38.789
– in one that’s kind of meh so so,

572
00:19:38.850 –> 00:19:40.710
– I’m nervous for you if that’s the case.

573
00:19:40.930 –> 00:19:42.789
– The last thing I don’t wanna say is,

574
00:19:43.009 –> 00:19:46.484
– again, the brain changes when it feels heard,

575
00:19:46.484 –> 00:19:48.964
– seen, understood, when it’s excited to change. So

576
00:19:48.964 –> 00:19:50.724
– that’s why it’s so critical to find that

577
00:19:50.724 –> 00:19:53.444
– therapist you like. The brain changes when I

578
00:19:53.444 –> 00:19:55.924
– always say your group is as strong as

579
00:19:55.924 –> 00:19:58.680
– the weakest member. Right? So find a group

580
00:19:58.680 –> 00:20:01.400
– where, like, these guys are elevating you. Right?

581
00:20:01.400 –> 00:20:02.759
– And then the other thing I always say

582
00:20:02.759 –> 00:20:05.660
– is your recovery in your group is always

583
00:20:05.960 –> 00:20:09.160
– as weak as your weakest relationship. So what

584
00:20:09.160 –> 00:20:10.619
– we know about recovery is

585
00:20:10.974 –> 00:20:13.315
– we thrive when we feel seen, safe, understood,

586
00:20:13.375 –> 00:20:15.054
– heard, when we feel like the group is

587
00:20:15.054 –> 00:20:16.654
– with us as a group. We can… Your

588
00:20:16.654 –> 00:20:18.894
– relationships with the group matter. So I would

589
00:20:18.894 –> 00:20:20.974
– really encourage you, even with the guy in

590
00:20:20.974 –> 00:20:22.974
– the group that you don’t necessarily resonate as

591
00:20:22.974 –> 00:20:25.054
– much as the other guy, I would encourage

592
00:20:25.054 –> 00:20:27.289
– you, reach out and formulate

593
00:20:27.589 –> 00:20:30.230
– as deepest connections and as deepest friendships with

594
00:20:30.230 –> 00:20:32.470
– everybody in your group. I promise you it’s

595
00:20:32.470 –> 00:20:33.829
– it’s one of the best things you can

596
00:20:33.829 –> 00:20:35.990
– do for your recovery. So I I know

597
00:20:35.990 –> 00:20:37.269
– it was like I I had a lot

598
00:20:37.269 –> 00:20:39.269
– to talk about about sobriety and and a

599
00:20:39.269 –> 00:20:40.950
– lot less to talk about about the details

600
00:20:40.950 –> 00:20:43.484
– of recovery. But it’s because your recovery plan

601
00:20:43.484 –> 00:20:45.024
– does need to be customized.

602
00:20:45.404 –> 00:20:46.544
– It needs to be customized,

603
00:20:46.924 –> 00:20:49.325
– and the best thing we can do is

604
00:20:49.325 –> 00:20:51.164
– make sure that the container… What I mean

605
00:20:51.164 –> 00:20:53.565
– by container is, yeah, your therapy team, your

606
00:20:53.565 –> 00:20:55.724
– couple’s therapist, for the married people listening to

607
00:20:55.724 –> 00:20:58.309
– this, your recovery group. Right? Right? We can

608
00:20:58.309 –> 00:21:00.309
– make… Like, that’s the container. And what we

609
00:21:00.309 –> 00:21:01.190
– need to do is we may need to

610
00:21:01.190 –> 00:21:03.429
– make sure that the container is encouraging us

611
00:21:03.429 –> 00:21:06.069
– to keep pushing, keep uncovering more, keep challenging

612
00:21:06.069 –> 00:21:08.149
– us more, making sure that we’re not missing

613
00:21:08.149 –> 00:21:10.250
– something because it’s that thing that you’ll miss

614
00:21:10.555 –> 00:21:11.375
– that will lead to

615
00:21:11.875 –> 00:21:12.375
– relapse.

616
00:21:12.875 –> 00:21:14.955
– Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

617
00:21:14.955 –> 00:21:16.714
– are a high achiever with a sex addiction

618
00:21:16.714 –> 00:21:18.474
– and you’re looking for a recovery group full

619
00:21:18.474 –> 00:21:21.595
– of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

620
00:21:21.595 –> 00:21:24.394
– We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

621
00:21:24.394 –> 00:21:25.775
– using four day retreats,

622
00:21:26.149 –> 00:21:28.889
– weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

623
00:21:28.950 –> 00:21:31.109
– If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

624
00:21:31.109 –> 00:21:33.029
– save your marriage, go to our website and

625
00:21:33.029 –> 00:21:33.929
– fill out our application.

626
00:21:34.230 –> 00:21:36.710
– If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

627
00:21:36.710 –> 00:21:38.309
– along to a friend in recovery who would

628
00:21:38.309 –> 00:21:40.309
– benefit from listening. It is my mission to

629
00:21:40.309 –> 00:21:42.058
– get this information out to as many high

630
00:21:42.058 –> 00:21:44.298
– achievers as possible, and I can’t do it

631
00:21:44.298 –> 00:21:45.278
– without your help.