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– Do I trust myself? No. Because the way

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– the tribe is currently set up, at least

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– of the people that I wanna fit in

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– with and influence and lead and change and

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– be a part of, they

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– value money a ton. They value sex and

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– sex appeal a ton. A lot of these

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– men, they’re under this hypnosis of like, like,

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– oh wow, look at that guy. He can

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– get any woman he wants. And guys consider

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– that a good thing. And again, my nervous

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– system, my body, my DNA, I’m aware of

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– that. I’m aware that those guys want me

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– to be wealthy. They want me to be

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– larger than life. So if I wanna impress

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– them, you know, win them over, whatever, I

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– now have to to go obtain this impressive

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– life to gain their respect so that they

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– will now listen to me.

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– You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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– for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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– This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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– recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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– high achiever.

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– I’m your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The

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– Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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– men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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– more information about joining our group or attending

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– our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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– And now enjoy the rest of the episode.

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– So one of my clients in my recovery

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– groups asked me, Roland, do you trust yourself?

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– And I answered confidently no. I wanna explain

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– what I mean by that. So as a

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– high achieving guy, and again, not all high

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– achieving guys are designed the same. Right? So

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– I’ll just speak for me, but it’s very

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– similar to a lot of the guys in

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– my groups. A lot of high achieving men

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– care very much about what other people think.

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– And it’s not as messed up as as

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– you think. Because in order to make an

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– impact, in order to lead, in order to

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– leave a legacy, in order to change people,

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– help people, you do need to care about

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– what they think. You can’t just care about

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– what you think. You need to care about

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– what they think. Right? And in high achieving

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– men are very attuned to this. I think

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– it’s why they’re very successful. Here’s the problem.

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– I don’t trust myself, not because I don’t

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– trust myself to

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– protect my wife and stay in integrity. I

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– don’t trust the tribe. What I mean by

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– the tribe is society, the way society looks

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– currently in 2026.

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– The definition of a successful life when it

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– comes to, like, successful male culture, our society

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– has defined that as how much money you

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– got, how attractive are you, right, how many

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– people find you basically attractive, And how much

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– nice stuff and elaborate experiences have you experienced

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– in your life? And how how many nice

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– stuff have you bought? Sir, I mean, that’s

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– that’s what our society largely

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– considers success. So think about this. If being

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– influential,

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– being in a place where I can make

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– an impact, being in a place where people

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– will believe me, will listen to me, they’ll

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– put me on stages, they’ll they’ll invite me

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– on their podcast.

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– In order to get into that place so

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– that I can make a difference in this

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– world, which a lot of high achieving men,

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– that’s very important to them. Right? Making a

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– difference, impact before they died. Right? Leaving this

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– legacy of making the world a better place.

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– It’s what we wanna be known for. It’s

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– probably our our biggest driver, honestly. So think

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– about this though. If the tribe says that,

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– oh, I’m only gonna listen to people

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– who have a net worth of greater than

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– $10,000,000,

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– what’s this young boy and young man gonna

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– do? He’s going to work his face off

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– so that he can obtain that status, so

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– that he can finally do what he has

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– felt called to do. Right? If you need

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– to live in a certain neighborhood, be a

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– member of a certain country club, if you

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– need to look a certain way, talk a

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– certain way, act a certain way, drive a

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– certain car, have certain outfit, if those are

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– things that you need, depending on again, this

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– all kind of depends too on the city

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– that you live in and the country that

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– you live in, etcetera, and the tribe you

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– wanna influence too. So I think, you know,

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– I have I have clients in my in

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– my program who are athletes and they are

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– impressing people in different ways. I have clients

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– in my programs who are scientists and they’re

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– very intellectual. Right? So they’re trying to impress

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– people with their their ability to solve problems

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– and their intellect. I have clients who are

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– artists and their their expression of their art

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– is is how they’re trying to impress people.

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– So again, this applies to some people and

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– doesn’t apply to some people. But in terms

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– of why I don’t trust myself is my

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– the tribe, at least the people who I

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– wanna because the people the men who I

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– want to impact and lead are high achieving

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– successful men. I believe I feel very called

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– to change them because I feel like if

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– they can become in alignment

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– and really use their skillset, I believe that

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– these men are very much positioned to make

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– a massive impact on this earth. I also

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– think that high achieving men have the ability

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– to really ruin

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– this earth. And so I’ve just felt called

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– my whole life to making sure that they’re

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– acting in integrity and alignment so that we

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– can make this place better, not worse. So

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– where am I going with this? Well, if

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– I care about impressing them and they care

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– about how much money I have, they care

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– about how I look, they care about the

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– words I use, how I talk, they care

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– about who my friends are. Right? They’re like,

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– okay, hey, I wanna trust this guy, but

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– like do really successful influential people trust this

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– guy? Because if they do, okay, now I’ll

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– trust him. But I need to make sure

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– that other people of influence trust him. So

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– what’s that mean for me? Now I need

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– to go get these other people to like

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– me and trust me so that the other

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– people can trust me because they see me

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– being friends with, you know, this this person

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– that they respect. Right? So there’s this whole

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– game around status, influence, respect, and I hate

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– it. I think your the amount of money

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– you have in the bank should not be

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– a reflection of your abilities and your ability

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– to help people. But our society in in

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– some social circles consider that valuable. Your ability

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– to use your charisma and charm and people

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– please, that should not matter. A lot of

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– times those those traits actually can get us

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– in a lot of trouble, but people expect

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– you to be this perfect, pleasing, charismatic, positive

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– individual. So now what do you do? You

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– pretend to be, even on days even on

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– days where you’re not, you pretend to be

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– optimistic, happy, positive, calm, collected. So my point

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– is, do I trust myself? No. Because the

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– way the tribe is currently set up, at

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– least of the people that I wanna fit

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– in with and influence and lead and change

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– and be a part of, they

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– value money

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– a ton. They value sex and sex appeal

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– a ton. A lot of these men, they’re

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– under this hypnosis of like, oh, wow. Look

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– at that guy. He can get any woman

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– he wants. And and guys consider that a

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– a good thing. And again, my nervous system,

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– my body, my DNA, I’m aware of that.

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– I’m aware that those guys want me to

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– be wealthy. They want me to have nice

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– stuff that people can’t have. They want my

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– house to look a certain way. They want

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– me to be able to get women. They

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– want me to be attractive and be this

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– and they want me to be larger than

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– life, basically. Right? So I now have to

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– now go if I wanna impress them, you

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– know, win them over, whatever, I now have

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– to

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– go obtain this impressive life

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– to gain their respect so that they will

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– now listen to me. And and here’s the

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– worst part. It’s true. It actually works this

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– way. If I every time that I have

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– tried to like be authentic,

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– there are more doors than clothes that are

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– open. And a lot of guys learn this.

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– This is why people become people pleasers. As

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– we start to realize, our society doesn’t like

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– depressed people.

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– If you’re poor and barely getting by, they’re

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– not going to take your advice. It’s just

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– how this kind of our culture is kind

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– of has shaped. We want heroes and we

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– want to listen to heroes. We want to

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– be inspired by heroes. If you go on

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– social media, look at the top influencers. Right?

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– They’re perfect or look perfect. Right? And they’re

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– broadcasting

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– or teaching or showing or modeling the path

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– to perfection, superiority, influence, whatever it is that

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– they’re broadcasting. So where am I going all

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– with this and why does this have what

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– does this have to do with sex addiction?

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– I don’t trust myself because I

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– know that I’m going to I have a

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– strong desire to gain these people’s respect, admiration,

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– appreciation, attention, and to be able to get

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– into a position of influence so that I

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– can create positive change. So all that’s good.

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– All that’s healthy.

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– My tribe’s not healthy. Again, they care about

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– money, sex appeal, charm, perfection,

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– dominance, superiority,

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– having things that other people can’t have, being

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– rich, having tons of material things, being attractive,

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– etcetera.

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– And so if that’s where they are,

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– it’s gonna have an effect on me and

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– I’m gonna have to constantly

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– battle the if they’re like, oh, I’m impressed

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– by guys like that. And I know I

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– can do the thing that they’re impressed by.

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– I have to stop for a second and

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– say, hey, Roland.

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– Okay. Sure. He’s impressed by that. But do

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– you really wanna go do it? And is

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– doing that going to compromise

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– your integrity, compromise your morals, your values? Are

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– you gonna have to lie to your wife

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– about this to go do this thing to

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– impress the boys, to fit in with the

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– guys. Right? And but I know I want

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– them to like me because they’re my people.

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– I wanna I wanna help them. I wanna

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– change them. I wanna collaborate with them. So

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– I I hope this is all making sense.

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– Basically, I thought it was a great question

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– because I do think trusting your self is

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– a bit more complicated than people give it

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– credit. I think as tribal creatures, impressing the

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– tribe, fitting in with the tribe, being what

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– they need to be so that you can

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– help them and earn whatever it is that

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– you need to earn from them so that

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– you can actualize

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– your full potential.

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– Right? All of the intent is all good.

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– The problem is if their measurement system is

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– messed up, I need to make sure that

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– I don’t bend

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– my values and my integrity

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– to their level.

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– That’s what I mean about this. And I

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– and I know historically,

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– there are so many parts of me for

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– you to use IFS language

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– that care very deeply about what they care

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– about. And sometimes well, not sometimes. Has that

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– gotten me into trouble? Absolutely.

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– Absolutely. It’s it’s actually the core of my

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– process addiction. And so do I trust myself?

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– Yes. But if my try if my tribe

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– was healthy, but my tribe isn’t healthy. So

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– now I need to find this way. I

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– need to find this balance of staying in

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– integrity, honoring what I what I care about,

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– and then also not selling out when it

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– comes to getting this opportunity that I really,

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– really, really want. Right? I have to have

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– the bravery and the courage to say, you

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– know what? I’m not gonna do that. And

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– if that’s something they want me to do,

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– then it’s gonna be painful, but I’m gonna

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– have to decline. Right? And so, again, I

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– think this is a question a lot of

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– wives will ask men. Right? Do you trust

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– yourself not to act out? And a lot

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– of guys, they don’t wanna lie. And so

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– they hesitate a little bit because it’s like,

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– I don’t know if I fully trust myself.

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– And that can be scary to say to

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– your to your wife. My wife finds it

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– scary. She’s like, you don’t even she she

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– said that to my therapist. Right? Like, he

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– doesn’t even trust himself,

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– but that’s honesty. That’s integrity. Me saying that

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– is integrity.

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– Me admitting that, I don’t know. I don’t

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– know.

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– That’s integrity.

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– Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

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– are a high achiever of the sex addiction

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– and you’re looking for a recovery group full

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– of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

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– We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

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– using four day retreats,

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– weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

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– If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

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– save your marriage, go to our website and

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– fill out our application.

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– If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

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– along to a friend in recovery who would

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– benefit from listening. It is my mission to

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– get this information out to as many high

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– achievers as possible, and I can’t do it

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– without your help.