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The story of I acted out because I'm

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stressed

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is such a cop out.

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever. I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder

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of The Successful Addict, a recovery group for

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high achieving men struggling with sex and porn

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addiction. For more information about joining our group

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or attending our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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Now, don't be offended by this. Hear me

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out. So

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we know it's imperative when we slip,

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relapse,

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We know it's imperative to go back to

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why

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it happened. And I would say 95%

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of the time or more, what I hear

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from guys is, oh, it was a really

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stressful time stressful time, you know, this was

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going on the marriage, this was going on

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with the kids, this was going on with

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work, this was going on with some of

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our investments. And I I was stressed so

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then I I slipped and I acted out.

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I'm sorry that's that that is a cop

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out and here and here's what I mean

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by that.

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Stress is the emotion

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and it is a byproduct

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of the story you have told yourself about

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yourself and about your reality. Right? So the

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stress is the emotion. The stress is not

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the why.

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So let's look at let's look a little

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bit further. Okay? So what's behind the stress?

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So so let's let's say, you got a

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lot going on with work and and your

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investment portfolio. Okay. So so work's not going

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well and your investments are are not going

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well, and that's stressing you out. So what's

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the story that's creating it's creating the stress?

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Well, the the story is probably one of

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maybe some inadequacy. Right? Like, hey, if I

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was really successful,

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my business would be would be succeeding. If

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I was really successful, my investment portfolio would

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be growing, not shrinking.

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Right? If I really knew what I was

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doing. Right? So you start to you start

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to second guess yourself, doubt yourself. Right? Maybe,

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in addition to to

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to inadequacies comparison.

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Right? So, again, in order to feel inadequate,

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you must be comparing yourself to other people.

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Right? You know, oh,

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this is happening and now I'm stressed. If

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I was a real entrepreneur, this would not

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cause me stress. Right? Oh, this is only

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causing me stress because I don't have as

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much money as other guys have. If I

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had the money that they had, I wouldn't

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be stressed out. Right? So, I'm less of

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an entrepreneur than them. I'm less successful

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than they are. Right? So so see this.

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Right? You're you're telling yourself a story

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about your inadequacy

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and you're comparing yourself to other entrepreneurs and

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they're better than you.

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Right? And so that's making you stressed out.

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You feel behind. You feel less than. You

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feel inadequate. Right? So this could increase the

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likelihood of you failing in the future. Right?

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So now you feel like there's this potential,

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a higher potential for failure.

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Right? So so let's keep going with that.

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So,

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what what are some other, stories that you

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could tell yourself? Well, there could be some

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catastrophe stories. Right? Like, oh, hey. If if

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oh, my gosh. This is happening. If this

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keeps going on, I'm gonna lose all my

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money. I might go bankrupt. Right? My family

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and I might we might lose our home.

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Oh, and if I if I go bankrupt,

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then everybody in town is gonna know that

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I'm I went bankrupt, and now they're gonna

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look at me different. They're gonna treat me

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like a failure. They're gonna treat me like

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the guy who went bankrupt. No one's gonna

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trust me anymore

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with any of my new businesses because I'm

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the guy who failed. Right? So so now

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you're talking about long term harm and damage

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to your reputation.

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Right? Leading to, again, stress.

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Right? But it's the story. Okay? So and

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then let's let's go out let's look at

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the consequences. Right? So so here you go,

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he has the story of inadequacy, he has

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the story of less than ness. Right? He

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has the story of of comparison where he's

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actually less than others.

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Right? So they're gonna be winning and he's

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gonna be losing. He has the story about

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the damage it's gonna cause his reputation.

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Right? And so now that that's harming his

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long term future. Right? So even if he

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did fail, now his his damage to his

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reputation is gonna actually increase the likelihood of

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him failing again in the future. Right? And

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so all that this whole narrative of inadequacy,

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less than, failure,

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let look at let's look at the consequences.

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Right? Oh, what are the consequences? Well, again,

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you know, bankruptcy. Right? I'm gonna have to,

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drop out of of, you know, the the

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the country club or some of the big

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friend group vacations because we don't have the

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money to to do those things. Right? And

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if we don't have the money, then we're

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gonna lose our friend crowd. Right? So that's

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a consequence.

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If you're a single guy or,

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or or even a married guy, oh, now

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I'm not making money, so I'm less attractive

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to my wife or other women. So now

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I'm gonna die alone. Right?

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Oh, if we lose our home,

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and I have to pull my kids out

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of all of their club sports, now my

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kids are gonna hate me because I failed

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and now they don't get to do their

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sports because of my failure in business. Right?

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So all these consequences

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of this current situation are running through your

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brain creating

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stress.

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So the reason I say that this is

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kind of a cop out is for a

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couple things.

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One reason is I think we have to

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be careful saying I was stressed because I

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think it's a very victim y statement. Right?

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Oh, hey,

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I wouldn't have acted out or relapsed

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if I wasn't stressed. Right? So it it

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comes with a kind of a victim energy

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there, which I think is harmful because now

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rather than taking ownership, full ownership,

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there is this like, oh, hey. Well, I

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was a victim of a stressful situation. Right?

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And then and then let's keep going with

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that. Right? That's it's kind of, you know,

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for stress, it's kind of this badge of

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honor for men. Right? Like we are we're

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supposed to be putting challenging ourselves and putting

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us, putting ourselves in these kind of risky

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entrepreneurial,

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growth situations. Right? So so you see it's

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packing kind of an extra punch there. Right?

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So there's this victim energy to it, but

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then there's also this badge of honor of

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like, yeah, I'm stressed out because I'm a

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successful guy. I take chances. I bet on

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myself. Right? I'm an entrepreneur. I'm a provider

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for my family. The reason my family has

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all these wonderful things that we have is

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because of my hard work. Right? So so,

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yeah, it's victim me, but then there's also

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this, well, stress is just, part of the

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deal for a high achiever. Right? And then

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let's even take that one step further. Right?

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Like, what's this gonna do to your long

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term sobriety and your long term recovery? Right?

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Oh, well, if I'm an entrepreneur, and I

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love being an entrepreneur, I could never be

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not an entrepreneur. I love taking the risks.

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It's it's it's so it's exciting. I love

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challenging myself.

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Well, then think about this. If it's the

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stress and and being an entrepreneur,

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you're constantly under,

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different varying levels of

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stress being in in sales or,

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whatever,

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then then think about it. Now you're saying

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basically, well, I'm probably gonna relapse and slip

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off and on during these stressful times. And

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I go I know we never say say

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that out loud and we certainly never say

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it to our wife, but that's kinda what's

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happening here. Right? If if it's stress that

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caused it and then you're gonna but then

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because of your chosen, you know, career field

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and aspirations, you're gonna constantly be testing yourself

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and under stress and that's what you like.

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You're basically saying

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I'm gonna put myself in situations where I

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have a

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significant,

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increase in me acting out. It's basically what

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you're saying. Right? So it's very victim y

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and then there's this, you know, kind of

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badge of honor of like, yeah, I'm a

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provider. I'm a hustler. I'm an entrepreneur.

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We live stressful lives. Right? We we, you

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know, high high risk, high reward. Right? So

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there's this there's this, you know, when we

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call it stress,

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I think it sounds more victim y and

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it and at the same time, it sounds

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a little bit sexy. It sounds it sounds

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masculine. It sounds cool. It sounds entrepreneurial. Right?

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You know, oh, I've got all this business

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stuff going on and all this money and

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investments,

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you know, and I'm stressed because of that.

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But it's like there's this like almost kind

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of pride of how stressed out you are

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while also splashing in this this this element

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of victim victimhood.

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So my point of all this is I

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would encourage all of you to stop just

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calling it stress and leaving it there. I

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think it's a disservice, and I don't think

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it's accurate. I think stress is the emotion.

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What I'd encourage you to go back to

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is what was the story you told yourself

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about yourself

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and your life and about the future and

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the consequences

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that made you stressed.

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Right? Again, the stories of inadequacy, the stories

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of being behind, the stories of, pending,

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failure,

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the stories of being embarrassed, the stories of

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destroying your reputation, the stories of your wife,

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being disappointed because you can no longer provide,

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the the stories of your kids no longer

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being able to do what they love to

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do because you don't have the money to

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be able to finance it. Right? All those

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stories

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build up and add and and and basically

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lead to

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stress which is the emotion. So I'm gonna

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encourage all of you guys right now if

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anytime that you're slipping, relapsing, or getting close

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and your

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grand plan is, oh, I was stressed. No.

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I'm sorry. That's that's the end result. Go

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back, figure out what did I tell myself

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about myself and my life that made me

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so stressed out. Thanks for listening to this

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episode. If you are a high achiever of

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the sex addiction

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and you're looking for a recovery group full

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of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

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We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

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using four day retreats, weekly group calls, and

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daily accountability check ins. If you wanna achieve

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long term sobriety and save your marriage, go

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to our website and fill out an application.

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If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

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along to a friend in recovery who would

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benefit from listening. It is my mission to

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get this information out to as many high

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achievers as possible, and I can't do it

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without your help.