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IFS or internal family systems. If you have

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not heard of this, you need to look

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into it. If you haven't used it, I

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recommend all sex addicts try using IFS as

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a treatment strategy with their therapist. To me,

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is one of the most effective strategies of

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really getting at the cause. And in this

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episode, I interview Candice Christiansen. She is phenomenal

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at using IFS with her clients. I hope

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you enjoy this episode.

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever. I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder

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of The Successful Addict, a recovery group for

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high achieving men struggling with sex and porn

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addiction. For more information about joining our group

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or attending our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now enjoy the rest of the episode.

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Candice, this is such a this is an

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interesting,

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podcast that we're gonna do because I'm gonna

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do two things that are weird. One, I'm

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actually gonna have you talk about you and

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what you do, which you actually don't do

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often. What would you call it? I mean,

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so the listeners can understand, like, how would

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you articulate what you do for addicts?

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So we have in Utah a neuroinclusive

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healing center for

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various neurotypes

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where we weave in internal family systems, and

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I just got trained the I FIO, which

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is IFS for couple, couple therapy training,

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and it was incredible. And so,

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you know, I would say that we look

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at people's hardware, so their neurotype,

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whether they have a traumatized system,

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everybody does by the way, a betrayal trauma,

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or they have a neurotype,

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let's say, that is autistic ADHD or even

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have, like, obsessive compulsive. So we're looking at

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the hardware, but then we are weaving in

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the software which are parts within someone's system.

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Mhmm. And we're looking at

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problematic sex, sex addiction, porn addiction, infidelity, etcetera

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through that lens of, like, a system of

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parts,

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wounded parts that will activate protectors

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that cope in ways that are outdated.

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And so in our work with clients,

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looking at it through that lens, it's actually

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a really

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gentle

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disarming model.

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Very gentle and disarming.

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Because as you probably know, you and I

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spoke before we came on,

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you know, people,

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when you're in addiction,

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there are

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pretty fierce protectors.

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You know, if we say, like, you had

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said ego. Oh, yeah.

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Right?

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That that,

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when we feel shameful, we do shameless things

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sometimes, and those are those parts. Those parts

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that do shameless things.

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Oftentimes, when we get underneath it, we find

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that they're protecting those some sweet little wounded

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parts that feel a lot of shame.

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So that's what we do.

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And

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yeah, I mean, I love it. Mhmm. It's

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a the way and and so everybody listening,

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in case you're unfamiliar

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with internal family systems, I'm gonna take a

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couple different stabs at, like, explaining this to

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listeners who are unfamiliar. I know a lot

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of you guys listening are familiar, but there's

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a few of you who aren't. So when

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we say parts,

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it's just a way of us trying to

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help,

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clients,

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separate from their brain patterns and processes enough

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to be able to work

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on them. When we're too close to them

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or we think they're us, it can be

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a massive block. It's

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it's it's not fun to be a sex

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addict. It's

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way easier to work on it when I

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have

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neuro pathways, patterns

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of protecting myself that I rely on to

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get what I want. So I'm gonna I'm

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gonna articulate this for the listeners and then,

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Candice, if I if I misbeak or I'm

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inaccurate,

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please correct me.

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The way I the way we really look

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at parts in our program when guy when

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we're trying to, like because we do this

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a lot when the guys are masterminding. They're

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all kind of presenting their

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pathways to each other and, having these elaborate

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collaborative discussions around, what is this? Do I

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do this? How do we you know, it's

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it's these, it's this masterminding format. But so

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everybody listening, here's how I would kind of

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help you help you wrap your head around

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a part.

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So I I wanna use a personal example.

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So I felt I felt unseen

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as a boy. I felt unappreciated as a

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boy because of I was brought up in

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a religious

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place where all they wanted me to do

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was the religious things that they wanted and

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if I didn't do those, they didn't really

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see me as a human. And, that really

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bothered me because I am

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part of my just DNA was to be

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seen. So I invented a version of myself

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that could be seen. So I, again, when

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I was a boy, I dyed my hair,

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I got a earring, I wear ridiculous baggy

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clothes to get attention. Right? Well, then I

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grew out of that and then eventually it

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turned into,

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skateboarding and then snowboarding and then when I

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began and then and then it was scholastic,

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and then it was bodybuilding. And then finally,

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as an adult, it became

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money and trying to convince attractive women to

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sleep with me. Right? And, unfortunately, I didn't

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grow out of that. And I as much

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as I thought I would stop when I

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got married, I didn't. So my point of

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just kinda helping the audience understand a part,

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one could say Roland did those things. The

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challenge is it's very difficult to work on

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Roland when I'm when Roland also does a

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lot of really beautiful things. So what what

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I found beneficial to my own recovery from

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parts work and turtle family systems work was

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when that was a part of me that

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he just did that to get attention,

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that's one part to solve a need. But

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then over here, I'm doing other great things.

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I'm helping my grandmother. I'm spending quality time

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with right? So I'm not a bad person,

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but when I need attention,

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I developed a part that gets attention sexually

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was my was my go to method. Money

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and sex. Right? So,

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so, it is that as I'm trying to,

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like, dumb this down to the population so

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they can understand what a part

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is, we're really trying to find a constructive

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way for you to chase down a brain

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pattern

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and work with it. And it's way easier

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if we get to know this brain pattern

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as if it was a person

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rather than just a brain pattern. Because, I

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mean, as a brain pattern alone, it's hard

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to change, Candice. But it's if it's a

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person who thinks things and has desires and

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has fears,

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now we can actually start to appreciate what

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it's like to be that individual if that

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was entirely you. Now we know it's not

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us all the time, but it's a part

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of us. Candace, how did I do explain

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that to people who are unfamiliar?

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I think you did pretty well. I mean,

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I think one of the things

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I'll say is that you described a system

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of parts

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and, you know, like you said, little boy.

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So there's this what we would call an

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exile part. We don't actually talk about IFS

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when we're doing IFS at all. I can

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use some language so you can get a

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feel for it today.

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But so you have this exile part that

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activates these

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this image manager part, which it starts out

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by bodybuilding, etcetera, which, of course, it would.

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That makes so much sense to me.

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And then when that didn't work,

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right, then this So I had to so

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the audience understands. I had to start using

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steroids because I've turned 20. And so I

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was like, well, I don't really wanna use

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drugs. So then I had to pivot.

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Yeah. And so so what I'm also hearing

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it, I wonder I guess I get curious

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about your system is perhaps there was another

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fierce protector

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that came forward that was like, let's do

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more. Right? Like, this isn't enough. So, you

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know, you're trying to kinda manage this by

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using steroids, but how about using money and

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sex? Right? And so you can see kind

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of the system of parts,

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which ultimately,

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they're trying to protect

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the wounding that happens,

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really.

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I mean, really, that is what it is.

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And it's not like a model that excuses

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any behavior by any means, but what I

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love that you said is that

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it allows a little bit of separation

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because there is a Roland.

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There's a self. There is

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you.

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Right? And there are these parts of you

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that often, all of us get frozen in

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time Mhmm. With their wounding.

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They we can call it arrested development. It's

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one way that a theory, you know, But

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frozen in time as well as parts. And

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so in my own therapy, I literally just

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did this today with my therapist.

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I connected with, you know, an angry part,

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a part that was feeling angry towards my

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dad.

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And when I got down to it, I

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I can ended up connecting with a really

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little wounded girl Mhmm. That just wanted to

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be seen

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and just wanted to be loved. Right?

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And so in that moment, I was able

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when my angry part just kinda stepped aside,

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I was able to really connect and let

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that part feel me here, me. And it

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was really beautiful. It was like some beautiful

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healing work can happen

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when we go that route Mhmm. Instead of,

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I think, kind of the shaming approach.

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Right? A lot of times, therapists unintentionally

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have manager parts that step in to do

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therapy with their clients who have addiction. Mhmm.

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And that does not work. All it does

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is it speaks to your shame in your

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system.

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Right? Well, and I think this is the

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challenge that I had, especially when I got

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into this space was,

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you know and I I I I don't

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know if it's intentional, but, I mean, Candace,

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it's no mystery. Like, this is, there there's

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a there's a good Christian,

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just just religious,

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kind

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of presence in this space, and it's and

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it's a beautiful thing. I don't think it's

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a bad thing. I think it's I think

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they're very offended by by how

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casual some of these really things have been

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happening, and so the religious communities are speaking

268
00:09:42,659 --> 00:09:44,100
up more, and I think that's great because

269
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:46,179
we need people to be more vocal. But

270
00:09:46,179 --> 00:09:48,019
I do I think the thing that was

271
00:09:48,019 --> 00:09:49,399
really tough for me was

272
00:09:49,860 --> 00:09:51,399
when we have, like, ideals

273
00:09:52,179 --> 00:09:53,480
and standards

274
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:56,820
and and these measures, it made me feel

275
00:09:56,820 --> 00:09:58,334
very judged. And

276
00:09:58,634 --> 00:10:00,794
so the thing I love about parts work

277
00:10:00,794 --> 00:10:02,554
is, yeah, let's judge that part all day

278
00:10:02,554 --> 00:10:04,554
long. I mean, he's he he he does

279
00:10:04,554 --> 00:10:07,034
do these things, and society does not like

280
00:10:07,034 --> 00:10:08,254
those. And

281
00:10:08,714 --> 00:10:11,034
is that rolling, though? Like, do I do

282
00:10:11,034 --> 00:10:13,550
I always do that? Like and the and

283
00:10:13,550 --> 00:10:15,389
the chances are no. Of course not. That's

284
00:10:15,389 --> 00:10:16,750
why your wife you know, for those who

285
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,529
are married, it's why your wife stayed is,

286
00:10:19,470 --> 00:10:21,730
she knows that that's not you.

287
00:10:22,429 --> 00:10:24,925
And that's why she's open to you know,

288
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,445
living a life without that. But I think

289
00:10:26,445 --> 00:10:27,965
you said one other thing that I loved,

290
00:10:27,965 --> 00:10:28,705
which was

291
00:10:29,245 --> 00:10:31,485
and and people this is also often overlooked

292
00:10:31,485 --> 00:10:33,644
too is these parts, you know, you'll hear

293
00:10:33,644 --> 00:10:35,565
your therapist say, hey. These parts are here

294
00:10:35,565 --> 00:10:36,384
to help you.

295
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:39,440
Therapists will say that. Right? And I think

296
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,279
the way that I the way that I

297
00:10:41,279 --> 00:10:43,040
look at it, because that sounds really confusing.

298
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,639
Like, how are they helping me? Because they're,

299
00:10:44,639 --> 00:10:46,800
like, ruining my life right now. I think

300
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:47,940
the the way that

301
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,740
I better understood it finally was,

302
00:10:51,225 --> 00:10:52,664
and you said this, like, at a at

303
00:10:52,664 --> 00:10:54,504
a young age. Like, a lot of guys

304
00:10:54,504 --> 00:10:55,865
are wondering, like, why do I keep doing

305
00:10:55,865 --> 00:10:57,705
this to my wife? Like like, it's just,

306
00:10:57,705 --> 00:10:59,565
like, it's it's disgusting. It's embarrassing.

307
00:10:59,945 --> 00:11:01,004
It's it's humiliating.

308
00:11:02,024 --> 00:11:03,884
Here's the thing though that I started realizing

309
00:11:03,945 --> 00:11:05,784
was when did I latch on to all

310
00:11:05,784 --> 00:11:07,799
these When do I latch on to all

311
00:11:07,799 --> 00:11:09,279
this? When did I latch on to when

312
00:11:09,279 --> 00:11:11,200
did I start viewing pornography? When did I

313
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,279
start flirting and not thinking what like, when

314
00:11:13,279 --> 00:11:14,179
did I start,

315
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,399
conquesting after women and trying to get trying

316
00:11:18,399 --> 00:11:20,320
to get them to sleep with me? Like,

317
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,825
when did, like, when did all this happen?

318
00:11:21,825 --> 00:11:23,985
I was not married. So here we are,

319
00:11:23,985 --> 00:11:25,605
fast forward, I'm married now.

320
00:11:26,065 --> 00:11:27,904
These parts don't know these they don't care

321
00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:29,504
what monogamy is. They're like they're like, hey.

322
00:11:29,504 --> 00:11:30,544
When are we gonna go to go back

323
00:11:30,544 --> 00:11:31,904
to that one thing that we really love

324
00:11:31,904 --> 00:11:33,424
to do? And so and a lot of

325
00:11:33,424 --> 00:11:35,169
people are like, I think the thing that

326
00:11:35,169 --> 00:11:37,009
Candace that was hard for me is, like,

327
00:11:37,009 --> 00:11:38,850
I these parts are like me, so I

328
00:11:38,850 --> 00:11:40,470
really had this hard understanding,

329
00:11:40,929 --> 00:11:43,329
like, how could they how could they sabotage

330
00:11:43,329 --> 00:11:45,329
my life? But it's if you think about

331
00:11:45,329 --> 00:11:47,250
it then so, okay, we're calling them parts.

332
00:11:47,250 --> 00:11:49,329
Let's go back to, like, neurons and brain

333
00:11:49,329 --> 00:11:49,829
patterns.

334
00:11:50,894 --> 00:11:52,495
That's really what a part is. It's just

335
00:11:52,495 --> 00:11:54,575
this network of strategies. Right?

336
00:11:55,134 --> 00:11:56,575
And if we think about it, if you

337
00:11:56,575 --> 00:11:58,575
develop that network of strategy when you were

338
00:11:58,575 --> 00:11:59,075
single,

339
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,774
and you liked it and it worked really

340
00:12:01,774 --> 00:12:03,774
well, you can see how now as a

341
00:12:03,774 --> 00:12:05,394
married man, it would be like,

342
00:12:05,990 --> 00:12:08,389
I feel this feeling. I wanna not feel

343
00:12:08,389 --> 00:12:09,750
this. You can see how you could say,

344
00:12:09,750 --> 00:12:11,589
oh, I remember that one strategy, and then

345
00:12:11,589 --> 00:12:13,049
you literally opt into

346
00:12:13,990 --> 00:12:16,070
that strategy that was developed when you were

347
00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:16,970
a single person.

348
00:12:17,269 --> 00:12:19,210
And that was really how I started understanding

349
00:12:19,269 --> 00:12:21,684
that, like, oh, okay. Now I get it.

350
00:12:21,684 --> 00:12:23,125
It because it was it was hard. I

351
00:12:23,125 --> 00:12:24,485
liked parts work, but I just had a

352
00:12:24,485 --> 00:12:25,464
hard time understanding,

353
00:12:26,565 --> 00:12:29,204
like, biologically and scientifically, like, what's actually going

354
00:12:29,204 --> 00:12:30,964
on. And that was when I finally realized,

355
00:12:30,964 --> 00:12:32,485
like, oh, I get it. We can call

356
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:33,865
it my part, but, really,

357
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,059
it's this pattern that was invented

358
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,840
that does not really care about monogamy. It

359
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,720
cares about my pleasure. And so when I

360
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,540
decide, hey. I'm gonna use that, I unknowingly,

361
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,220
you know, adopting a

362
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:50,014
belief system, essentially a pathway that's like, we

363
00:12:50,014 --> 00:12:52,014
don't care about monogamy right now because we're

364
00:12:52,014 --> 00:12:53,855
just trying to solve this one problem. And

365
00:12:53,855 --> 00:12:55,955
that was how I started really unmapping

366
00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:58,835
why I did so many ugly things. Right?

367
00:12:59,215 --> 00:13:01,215
Yeah. And you're saying a lot, and it's

368
00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:03,889
really important. And, I mean, when I'm when

369
00:13:03,889 --> 00:13:06,370
I'm hearing when I connect with people with

370
00:13:06,370 --> 00:13:08,389
parts or I connect with my own parts,

371
00:13:09,649 --> 00:13:13,750
if we shove the these fierce protectors oftentimes

372
00:13:13,889 --> 00:13:15,995
that are, you know, acting out sexually, For

373
00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:17,674
instance, in the naughty room as we call

374
00:13:17,674 --> 00:13:19,995
it, they're going to come out because they

375
00:13:19,995 --> 00:13:21,375
also need to be witnessed.

376
00:13:22,554 --> 00:13:24,394
So we we do a lot. It's a

377
00:13:24,394 --> 00:13:28,495
very slow process. Slower is faster with IFS

378
00:13:28,554 --> 00:13:29,615
and then IFIO,

379
00:13:30,339 --> 00:13:32,500
which is the couple part couple therapy part

380
00:13:32,500 --> 00:13:34,200
of IFS. Slower is faster.

381
00:13:34,659 --> 00:13:36,339
And we do a lot of, you know,

382
00:13:36,339 --> 00:13:38,019
where do you feel this part of you

383
00:13:38,019 --> 00:13:40,100
in your body? Because a lot of people

384
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:42,899
can feel that. Mhmm. You know? And so

385
00:13:42,899 --> 00:13:45,684
then then as you connect, is it aware

386
00:13:45,684 --> 00:13:47,785
of you? How are you feeling towards it?

387
00:13:48,004 --> 00:13:50,725
Just to see if you, Roland, can be

388
00:13:50,725 --> 00:13:52,884
here with that part separate from feeling what

389
00:13:52,884 --> 00:13:56,100
we say blended from the part. Mhmm. Right?

390
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:58,500
And then when you are, we will ask

391
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:00,980
questions of the part or you you know,

392
00:14:00,980 --> 00:14:03,459
what is this part hoping to do for

393
00:14:03,459 --> 00:14:03,959
you

394
00:14:04,659 --> 00:14:05,480
by seeking

395
00:14:06,659 --> 00:14:07,159
sex

396
00:14:07,539 --> 00:14:09,699
for women? Right? And what is this part

397
00:14:09,699 --> 00:14:11,559
afraid will happen if it's not

398
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:14,315
Mhmm. If it's not doing that.

399
00:14:14,774 --> 00:14:16,795
But it's a real gentle model,

400
00:14:17,415 --> 00:14:18,955
and it's very slow.

401
00:14:19,495 --> 00:14:21,254
There's not a rush to it. And it

402
00:14:21,654 --> 00:14:25,495
ultimately, it's about connecting with those younger parts

403
00:14:25,495 --> 00:14:27,035
because my guess is

404
00:14:27,870 --> 00:14:28,850
for you, Roland,

405
00:14:29,470 --> 00:14:32,110
I would not be surprised if this part

406
00:14:32,110 --> 00:14:35,410
of you developed as a teenager. Mhmm. So

407
00:14:35,470 --> 00:14:37,629
when you're going back in your, you know,

408
00:14:37,629 --> 00:14:40,590
system with an IFS therapist perhaps and looking

409
00:14:40,590 --> 00:14:43,024
at it, connecting with it, I wouldn't be

410
00:14:43,024 --> 00:14:44,945
surprised if it's like, oh my gosh. They're

411
00:14:44,945 --> 00:14:47,024
14, for instance. Right? It's a 14 year

412
00:14:47,024 --> 00:14:47,684
old part.

413
00:14:48,384 --> 00:14:50,625
So, again, that 14 year old doesn't know

414
00:14:50,625 --> 00:14:51,764
who your wife is.

415
00:14:52,545 --> 00:14:54,465
Mhmm. Mhmm. The 14 year old off they

416
00:14:54,465 --> 00:14:56,644
don't even often know who we are. Mhmm.

417
00:14:57,279 --> 00:14:57,779
They're

418
00:14:58,320 --> 00:14:59,700
just reacting to

419
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,019
what feels familiar

420
00:15:02,639 --> 00:15:04,500
based on what they lived.

421
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,220
So when we give them an update

422
00:15:09,735 --> 00:15:10,235
that,

423
00:15:10,774 --> 00:15:13,894
wow. Well, I'm here now twenty twenty five.

424
00:15:13,894 --> 00:15:16,714
I'm this age. It's been twenty years, whatever.

425
00:15:17,414 --> 00:15:20,855
Then parts often go, oh. Yeah. And this

426
00:15:20,855 --> 00:15:23,414
is my wife. This isn't my mom. This

427
00:15:23,414 --> 00:15:25,115
isn't my dad. Mhmm.

428
00:15:25,470 --> 00:15:25,970
Oh.

429
00:15:26,829 --> 00:15:28,829
Right? And then we can do some really

430
00:15:28,829 --> 00:15:31,309
beautiful healing work, which the next step would

431
00:15:31,309 --> 00:15:34,589
be, can we explore those parts that this

432
00:15:34,589 --> 00:15:37,009
really fierce protector has been protecting?

433
00:15:37,894 --> 00:15:39,195
Right? Which is often,

434
00:15:39,575 --> 00:15:41,654
like, so many parts. Shame isn't it's an

435
00:15:41,654 --> 00:15:43,735
action word. It's a verb. It's not a

436
00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:45,995
noun. So it's like parts will hold shame

437
00:15:46,535 --> 00:15:49,514
oftentimes, and that's who these protectors are protecting.

438
00:15:50,134 --> 00:15:51,889
Mhmm. Mhmm. So that would be an example

439
00:15:51,889 --> 00:15:53,970
of how I explain it. And what we

440
00:15:53,970 --> 00:15:55,029
also know is

441
00:15:55,570 --> 00:15:57,970
so many people's neurotypes, there is not a

442
00:15:57,970 --> 00:16:01,169
normal neurotype. There isn't any more, especially after

443
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:01,669
COVID.

444
00:16:02,784 --> 00:16:05,825
So many people's neurotype is really comes in

445
00:16:05,825 --> 00:16:08,065
and just is emotionally feeling a lot of

446
00:16:08,065 --> 00:16:08,884
big feelings.

447
00:16:09,585 --> 00:16:10,965
Sometimes fight or flight.

448
00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:13,424
Right? Sometimes, oh my god. I wanna get

449
00:16:13,424 --> 00:16:16,144
out of the therapy room. Mhmm. Mhmm. Or

450
00:16:16,144 --> 00:16:18,299
sometimes I wanna shut down, numb out, check

451
00:16:18,299 --> 00:16:21,580
out, die. Mhmm. We have to educate, and

452
00:16:21,580 --> 00:16:22,940
this is one of the things that we

453
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:23,440
do.

454
00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:26,139
When you were saying clients love it, right,

455
00:16:26,139 --> 00:16:28,139
what we do is we educate them on

456
00:16:28,139 --> 00:16:30,539
what's going on in your autonomic nervous system,

457
00:16:30,539 --> 00:16:32,539
and how can we teach you what is

458
00:16:32,539 --> 00:16:33,679
your window of time

459
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:36,375
so that you can actually

460
00:16:36,834 --> 00:16:39,954
feel calm enough to connect and stay present

461
00:16:39,954 --> 00:16:41,815
to what's happening with your

462
00:16:42,194 --> 00:16:43,334
hearts? Mhmm.

463
00:16:44,274 --> 00:16:46,434
It's a it's the thing that I as

464
00:16:46,434 --> 00:16:47,495
I'm thinking this,

465
00:16:47,870 --> 00:16:50,269
you know, what's interesting about my population, the

466
00:16:50,269 --> 00:16:50,769
successful

467
00:16:51,070 --> 00:16:51,570
they

468
00:16:52,509 --> 00:16:54,909
so everyone people know this. Right? Successful men

469
00:16:54,909 --> 00:16:57,709
are shape shifters. It's largely the reason they're

470
00:16:57,709 --> 00:16:59,730
able to become so successful is

471
00:17:00,105 --> 00:17:02,184
they're very what probably their biggest skill set

472
00:17:02,184 --> 00:17:04,505
is becoming whatever they need to become for

473
00:17:04,505 --> 00:17:06,265
the person in front of them. And they're

474
00:17:06,265 --> 00:17:07,625
very good at it. It's the reason why

475
00:17:07,625 --> 00:17:09,384
they make a lot of money is they

476
00:17:09,384 --> 00:17:11,065
know how to get the person across from

477
00:17:11,065 --> 00:17:13,144
them to give them their money. The challenge

478
00:17:13,144 --> 00:17:14,184
that I have found is,

479
00:17:16,159 --> 00:17:17,779
for a lot of high achievers,

480
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:20,799
they learned that this was a skill early.

481
00:17:20,799 --> 00:17:22,720
They learned that it was an advantageous skill

482
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:23,220
early.

483
00:17:23,519 --> 00:17:25,440
And I have found these guys, oh my

484
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,460
gosh, they will, Candice, they will have

485
00:17:28,095 --> 00:17:30,174
they will have so many parts that they

486
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,035
have developed for so many situations

487
00:17:33,294 --> 00:17:34,194
that oftentimes,

488
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:35,794
they either, a,

489
00:17:36,575 --> 00:17:38,595
didn't spend much time being them,

490
00:17:39,855 --> 00:17:41,875
and so they don't really know,

491
00:17:42,849 --> 00:17:43,669
you know, like,

492
00:17:43,970 --> 00:17:45,569
they have these parts that they really, really

493
00:17:45,569 --> 00:17:47,089
like. I mean, that's what happened to me.

494
00:17:47,089 --> 00:17:49,889
I mean, my real me was shy. I'm

495
00:17:49,889 --> 00:17:52,210
a highly sensitive boy. I cried. I had

496
00:17:52,210 --> 00:17:54,210
to quit karate because it was too loud.

497
00:17:54,210 --> 00:17:55,654
I wanted to be a firefighter, but the

498
00:17:55,654 --> 00:17:58,474
sirens were too loud. And so I hated

499
00:17:58,534 --> 00:18:01,654
me, and so I became this other person,

500
00:18:01,654 --> 00:18:03,335
and everyone liked him. And then I became

501
00:18:03,335 --> 00:18:05,095
another one, and they liked Roland three point

502
00:18:05,095 --> 00:18:06,694
o. And then I became Roland five point

503
00:18:06,694 --> 00:18:07,974
o, and they liked him more. And then

504
00:18:07,974 --> 00:18:11,329
16 o, and my point was I started

505
00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:13,390
not wanting to be Roland. I wanted to

506
00:18:13,390 --> 00:18:14,049
be Roland's

507
00:18:14,829 --> 00:18:15,789
16

508
00:18:15,789 --> 00:18:16,609
o because

509
00:18:16,910 --> 00:18:19,230
every more doors were open for him. More

510
00:18:19,230 --> 00:18:22,029
women liked him. More men liked him. And

511
00:18:22,029 --> 00:18:23,410
the challenge was, though,

512
00:18:24,215 --> 00:18:26,375
this was when my sex addiction got wildly

513
00:18:26,375 --> 00:18:28,474
out of control because I had dehumanized

514
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,934
myself so much that it opened the door

515
00:18:30,934 --> 00:18:32,234
to being able to dehumanize

516
00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:33,835
others, which include

517
00:18:34,615 --> 00:18:36,875
women who were not my wife. Right? So

518
00:18:37,039 --> 00:18:39,119
my wife was still human, but I was

519
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,359
able to dehumanize all these other women. So

520
00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:43,299
I could pay them for sex. I could,

521
00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:46,240
use them and pretend that I cared about

522
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,319
them until I got what I needed. Right?

523
00:18:48,319 --> 00:18:50,240
It opened the door to stuff that I

524
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:51,140
would have never

525
00:18:51,924 --> 00:18:53,125
been able to do when I was in

526
00:18:53,125 --> 00:18:55,205
my because I remember in my early twenties,

527
00:18:55,205 --> 00:18:56,724
I, you know, I was like, oh, I

528
00:18:56,724 --> 00:18:58,164
never cheat. You know, I remember my one

529
00:18:58,164 --> 00:19:00,644
of my friends was a cheater, and I

530
00:19:00,644 --> 00:19:02,724
hated that he did it. And then fast

531
00:19:02,724 --> 00:19:05,125
forward, here I am rolling 16 o. He

532
00:19:05,125 --> 00:19:06,970
cheats all the time. He could care less

533
00:19:06,970 --> 00:19:08,730
about monogamy. All he wants to have is

534
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,809
novel experiences and enhance the status, and so

535
00:19:10,809 --> 00:19:12,250
whatever he needs to do to do that.

536
00:19:12,250 --> 00:19:13,789
Mhmm. So that's, I think, the prime

537
00:19:14,250 --> 00:19:16,109
the reason I wanna bring that up is

538
00:19:16,250 --> 00:19:18,569
I think most successful men can resonate with

539
00:19:18,569 --> 00:19:20,990
some ray of that story was,

540
00:19:21,404 --> 00:19:22,924
you know, what happens when you fall in

541
00:19:22,924 --> 00:19:24,525
love? You know, because that's the challenge, Candice,

542
00:19:24,525 --> 00:19:26,205
with this world that we live in is

543
00:19:26,845 --> 00:19:28,205
and this is a what I'm about to

544
00:19:28,205 --> 00:19:29,825
say is very real. Like,

545
00:19:31,085 --> 00:19:32,144
the truth is,

546
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,605
if you have money and a six pack

547
00:19:34,605 --> 00:19:36,384
and dress all nice, like,

548
00:19:37,070 --> 00:19:37,570
unfortunately,

549
00:19:37,950 --> 00:19:39,329
our world has,

550
00:19:39,710 --> 00:19:41,890
you know, bought into the fact that

551
00:19:42,589 --> 00:19:44,589
that does make you bet like, it does

552
00:19:44,589 --> 00:19:46,589
give you some credit for but what you

553
00:19:46,589 --> 00:19:48,049
have to start to understand is,

554
00:19:48,430 --> 00:19:49,950
is that real or not? And I know

555
00:19:49,950 --> 00:19:51,549
a lot of guys are like, yeah. It's

556
00:19:51,549 --> 00:19:52,785
real. Like, I don't want no one to

557
00:19:52,785 --> 00:19:54,465
not like me. And I think, Candace, that's

558
00:19:54,465 --> 00:19:56,945
the challenge is what happens if I fall

559
00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:58,085
in love with a part

560
00:19:58,785 --> 00:20:01,445
because it gives me everything that I've ever

561
00:20:01,505 --> 00:20:03,424
wanted? Like, I think I think that's why

562
00:20:03,424 --> 00:20:05,345
when guys get caught, at least guys in

563
00:20:05,345 --> 00:20:06,884
my cohort that get caught,

564
00:20:07,250 --> 00:20:09,490
it's, like, so devastating because it's like, oh

565
00:20:09,490 --> 00:20:10,150
my gosh.

566
00:20:10,769 --> 00:20:13,170
My wife and her therapist, my therapist are

567
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:16,289
now asking me to, like, undo so many

568
00:20:16,289 --> 00:20:17,730
of these things that I've done to get

569
00:20:17,730 --> 00:20:19,830
here. And it's quite threatening because it's like,

570
00:20:20,494 --> 00:20:22,494
do I even wanna be in this relationship

571
00:20:22,494 --> 00:20:24,894
if I'm gonna have to strip away all

572
00:20:24,894 --> 00:20:26,815
of these things that got me to this?

573
00:20:26,815 --> 00:20:28,815
Can you speak to that? Because that is

574
00:20:29,055 --> 00:20:31,134
it's tough. I mean, I I really wanted

575
00:20:31,134 --> 00:20:32,975
to be rolling 16 o. I did not

576
00:20:32,975 --> 00:20:35,715
wanna be rolling one point o. Yeah.

577
00:20:36,650 --> 00:20:38,429
Okay. So let me just say that

578
00:20:39,130 --> 00:20:40,429
what we see oftentimes,

579
00:20:40,890 --> 00:20:42,409
and we've seen it more this year than

580
00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:44,909
ever, and so we are actually presenting

581
00:20:45,210 --> 00:20:45,869
at ITAP

582
00:20:46,329 --> 00:20:48,644
Yeah. With the National Institute of Trauma. I'll

583
00:20:48,644 --> 00:20:50,565
see you there two months, two months from

584
00:20:50,565 --> 00:20:52,884
now. Yeah. So yeah. So I'll be there.

585
00:20:52,884 --> 00:20:54,904
And we're presenting on the dark triad

586
00:20:55,445 --> 00:20:57,845
Mhmm. Which is what you're speaking to, which

587
00:20:57,845 --> 00:21:00,805
men in society and women as well, all

588
00:21:00,805 --> 00:21:02,025
genders are actually.

589
00:21:02,789 --> 00:21:05,370
What's being really promoted and has for years

590
00:21:05,509 --> 00:21:08,090
are dark triad traits, narcissists,

591
00:21:08,950 --> 00:21:09,450
Machiavellians.

592
00:21:10,390 --> 00:21:10,890
Machiavellians

593
00:21:11,269 --> 00:21:13,269
are all just I like to just mess

594
00:21:13,269 --> 00:21:15,690
with you for pleasure. I like to take.

595
00:21:16,184 --> 00:21:17,804
K? And then psychopathy.

596
00:21:18,505 --> 00:21:20,744
I care about me more than you. Mhmm.

597
00:21:20,744 --> 00:21:23,464
And there's low levels. So so what we

598
00:21:23,464 --> 00:21:25,085
find with a lot of

599
00:21:25,544 --> 00:21:28,664
men specifically that we work with that are

600
00:21:28,664 --> 00:21:29,964
similar to your population

601
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,779
is that they grow up in these homes

602
00:21:33,919 --> 00:21:34,419
where

603
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,099
they're either given a false sense of importance

604
00:21:38,319 --> 00:21:39,220
by their mom

605
00:21:40,159 --> 00:21:42,960
who has traits of narcissism, so they become

606
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,419
an extension of her,

607
00:21:45,825 --> 00:21:48,545
Or the opposite could happen where there's a

608
00:21:48,545 --> 00:21:50,644
lot of chaos and abuse and trauma.

609
00:21:51,744 --> 00:21:54,224
And so they have these parts that form

610
00:21:54,224 --> 00:21:55,125
early on

611
00:21:55,825 --> 00:21:56,644
to cope.

612
00:21:57,390 --> 00:21:59,250
And I know they're fierce protectors.

613
00:21:59,869 --> 00:22:01,650
They do in politics.

614
00:22:01,950 --> 00:22:03,330
They do incredibly well

615
00:22:03,789 --> 00:22:06,269
in politics, and they do incredibly well in

616
00:22:06,269 --> 00:22:07,890
business. Mhmm. K?

617
00:22:08,269 --> 00:22:09,250
But personally,

618
00:22:09,630 --> 00:22:10,609
they traumatize,

619
00:22:11,954 --> 00:22:13,015
seriously traumatize

620
00:22:13,554 --> 00:22:16,134
their partner and and family. They wreak havoc.

621
00:22:16,355 --> 00:22:16,855
Right?

622
00:22:17,315 --> 00:22:20,115
And oftentimes, we can even see where they're

623
00:22:20,115 --> 00:22:23,015
doing things that that have a flavor of

624
00:22:23,234 --> 00:22:26,855
DARBO, which is deny attack reverse victim offender,

625
00:22:27,289 --> 00:22:28,829
where there's a lot of, like,

626
00:22:29,529 --> 00:22:30,029
manipulation

627
00:22:30,490 --> 00:22:33,929
and abuse, like, emotional abuse. So I just

628
00:22:33,929 --> 00:22:36,909
wanna speak to that that for those listening,

629
00:22:38,970 --> 00:22:40,909
I like to tell people that

630
00:22:43,134 --> 00:22:43,634
oftentimes,

631
00:22:44,335 --> 00:22:46,015
we know with the people we work with,

632
00:22:46,015 --> 00:22:47,134
those are just

633
00:22:47,535 --> 00:22:49,634
those are traits. Those are parts.

634
00:22:50,734 --> 00:22:52,414
And some people will say, well, how do

635
00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:53,695
you know it's not they're not like a

636
00:22:53,695 --> 00:22:56,914
real psychopath or sociopath? And my response is,

637
00:22:57,509 --> 00:22:58,170
when someone

638
00:22:58,869 --> 00:23:01,450
is truly a psychopath or sociopath,

639
00:23:01,990 --> 00:23:03,529
they blow out of our space

640
00:23:03,830 --> 00:23:05,450
at our center. They won't last.

641
00:23:06,070 --> 00:23:08,150
We get the f u, and it's they're

642
00:23:08,150 --> 00:23:09,910
gone. And so And that's the and they

643
00:23:09,910 --> 00:23:11,414
probably won't even come in the first place.

644
00:23:12,134 --> 00:23:15,115
They'll come, but it's they they really struggle

645
00:23:15,174 --> 00:23:15,674
with

646
00:23:16,535 --> 00:23:18,375
I mean, it doesn't matter how gentle we

647
00:23:18,375 --> 00:23:20,934
are. I mean, they're they're they're they're gone.

648
00:23:20,934 --> 00:23:23,174
So Yeah. Well, I just first wanna speak

649
00:23:23,174 --> 00:23:25,319
to that when you were saying, like, there

650
00:23:25,319 --> 00:23:27,480
are a lot of clients and those clients

651
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:29,799
that are listening, like, I I want folks

652
00:23:29,799 --> 00:23:31,659
to know that these are coping skills.

653
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,419
Truly, it's like and oftentimes, it's outdated coping.

654
00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:38,140
And so so to reassure

655
00:23:39,125 --> 00:23:41,045
these men that are like, I wanna be

656
00:23:41,045 --> 00:23:41,924
16

657
00:23:41,924 --> 00:23:43,924
o. Right? I don't wanna be the one

658
00:23:43,924 --> 00:23:44,664
point o.

659
00:23:44,965 --> 00:23:47,045
We would do work with that with with

660
00:23:47,045 --> 00:23:49,045
a person like, let's say it's you, Roland.

661
00:23:49,045 --> 00:23:50,965
I would do work with you to 10

662
00:23:51,125 --> 00:23:52,904
befriend this part of you

663
00:23:53,299 --> 00:23:55,559
that loves being 16 o,

664
00:23:55,940 --> 00:23:57,720
and then have you really acknowledge

665
00:23:58,019 --> 00:23:58,839
and appreciate

666
00:23:59,140 --> 00:24:01,460
what you what you've like, what it's done

667
00:24:01,460 --> 00:24:02,119
for you.

668
00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:06,279
Because, again, all parts are welcome. Why?

669
00:24:06,715 --> 00:24:10,015
Because they're well intended even if they have

670
00:24:10,235 --> 00:24:13,195
serious outdated coping that is causing damage and

671
00:24:13,195 --> 00:24:13,695
harm.

672
00:24:14,315 --> 00:24:17,115
Again, why is that? Because they are often

673
00:24:17,115 --> 00:24:19,375
a lot younger, and they have no idea

674
00:24:19,515 --> 00:24:21,134
what is happening today.

675
00:24:21,434 --> 00:24:23,890
Mhmm. So for a lot of men that

676
00:24:23,890 --> 00:24:24,390
have,

677
00:24:25,090 --> 00:24:26,230
you know, that Machiavellian

678
00:24:26,610 --> 00:24:28,049
or they show up and I wanna be

679
00:24:28,049 --> 00:24:29,890
16 o because it got me this and

680
00:24:29,890 --> 00:24:31,330
it got me that, and I just love

681
00:24:31,330 --> 00:24:33,730
it so much, and it feels so good.

682
00:24:33,730 --> 00:24:35,975
It's like, okay. Well, what is this part

683
00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:37,755
of you afraid would happen

684
00:24:39,015 --> 00:24:39,835
if you

685
00:24:40,295 --> 00:24:43,355
didn't and couldn't do or be that anymore?

686
00:24:43,414 --> 00:24:45,654
And so I'll ask you that. Mhmm. What

687
00:24:45,654 --> 00:24:46,315
are you

688
00:24:46,855 --> 00:24:48,075
afraid would happen

689
00:24:48,569 --> 00:24:51,609
if you couldn't be 16 o Roland? What

690
00:24:51,929 --> 00:24:54,669
I I can I can answer that? I

691
00:24:54,890 --> 00:24:56,349
I was shy.

692
00:24:57,609 --> 00:24:59,690
I got excluded, and I wasn't invited to

693
00:24:59,690 --> 00:25:00,190
things.

694
00:25:01,534 --> 00:25:03,075
I was seen as

695
00:25:03,454 --> 00:25:05,934
poor. My family is poor. Right? In 16

696
00:25:05,934 --> 00:25:07,154
o, he's not poor.

697
00:25:07,775 --> 00:25:08,515
And so,

698
00:25:09,054 --> 00:25:10,115
yeah, I was uninvited.

699
00:25:10,815 --> 00:25:11,554
I was

700
00:25:11,855 --> 00:25:13,634
an outsider. I was unnoticed.

701
00:25:14,575 --> 00:25:15,794
I was often misunderstood.

702
00:25:17,339 --> 00:25:19,179
I did not have a voice and people

703
00:25:19,179 --> 00:25:20,240
spoke for me,

704
00:25:20,619 --> 00:25:21,099
and,

705
00:25:21,420 --> 00:25:23,819
that's my impression of one point o. So

706
00:25:23,819 --> 00:25:24,619
16

707
00:25:24,619 --> 00:25:26,859
o was the exact opposite. I had a

708
00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:27,599
loud voice.

709
00:25:28,140 --> 00:25:30,480
I had a resume that was impenetrable.

710
00:25:31,345 --> 00:25:33,025
You could not any any corner of my

711
00:25:33,025 --> 00:25:35,025
resume you look at, it's like, what? Come

712
00:25:35,025 --> 00:25:36,545
at me. Come at me. Try and find

713
00:25:36,545 --> 00:25:38,225
something wrong with me. Right? I dare you.

714
00:25:38,225 --> 00:25:41,045
Right? And so I built somebody who had

715
00:25:41,424 --> 00:25:43,559
everything for everyone too. Because to your point,

716
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,240
bodybuilding was fine, but there's people who are

717
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:46,600
like, that's weird. So it was like, okay.

718
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,440
Well, how do I impress that person? And

719
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,759
so that's why I kept going and going

720
00:25:50,759 --> 00:25:52,200
was how do I create a way of

721
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:52,700
being

722
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:54,519
where, you know, and then I start a

723
00:25:54,519 --> 00:25:56,360
nonprofit and, you know, donate, you know, now

724
00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:57,180
look how philanthropic

725
00:25:57,559 --> 00:25:58,920
I am. Right? So it's just one thing

726
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:00,934
after another. So but to the but to

727
00:26:00,934 --> 00:26:04,315
the end, it was being dismissed, unheard, unseen,

728
00:26:04,455 --> 00:26:04,955
forgotten,

729
00:26:05,654 --> 00:26:06,154
belittled,

730
00:26:07,894 --> 00:26:10,615
almost treating like yeah. Almost forgotten and then

731
00:26:10,615 --> 00:26:12,900
that I even was in the room. K.

732
00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:16,160
So let's pause. This is another IFS. Right?

733
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,720
Let's pause for a minute and just slow

734
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:20,960
things down because what you're saying again is

735
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:21,700
so important.

736
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:25,059
And so I have so much compassion

737
00:26:25,934 --> 00:26:27,714
for the one point o Roland.

738
00:26:28,894 --> 00:26:29,394
Shy,

739
00:26:29,774 --> 00:26:30,274
excluded,

740
00:26:30,815 --> 00:26:33,875
poor, no voice. People spoke for you.

741
00:26:34,255 --> 00:26:34,755
Dismissed,

742
00:26:35,375 --> 00:26:37,554
unheard, unseen, and forgotten.

743
00:26:39,650 --> 00:26:40,150
Right?

744
00:26:40,769 --> 00:26:41,669
Of course,

745
00:26:42,849 --> 00:26:44,609
there would be a 16

746
00:26:44,609 --> 00:26:46,769
o that's would say, hey. I got you

747
00:26:46,769 --> 00:26:49,410
one point o. That makes so much sense

748
00:26:49,410 --> 00:26:51,494
to me. That make sense to you?

749
00:26:52,134 --> 00:26:53,914
Yeah. Absolutely. 100%.

750
00:26:54,134 --> 00:26:55,994
Yeah. So so of course.

751
00:26:56,375 --> 00:26:59,194
So that's like a tiny dose of IFS

752
00:26:59,255 --> 00:27:01,575
right there where it's like, of course. You'd

753
00:27:01,575 --> 00:27:03,174
have this part show up to be like,

754
00:27:03,174 --> 00:27:03,994
hey, buddy.

755
00:27:04,599 --> 00:27:07,099
I got you. I'm gonna be your voice.

756
00:27:07,399 --> 00:27:08,779
I'm gonna give you choice.

757
00:27:09,079 --> 00:27:11,579
I'm gonna make sure that you are absolutely

758
00:27:11,799 --> 00:27:14,460
seen, heard, remembered for a lifetime.

759
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:15,740
Right?

760
00:27:16,839 --> 00:27:17,339
Yeah.

761
00:27:18,365 --> 00:27:21,404
Yeah. And so so so just for those

762
00:27:21,485 --> 00:27:22,865
again, for you and those

763
00:27:23,565 --> 00:27:26,765
individuals listening, it's like that that is where

764
00:27:26,765 --> 00:27:30,365
we would it's not about killing off 16

765
00:27:30,365 --> 00:27:30,865
o.

766
00:27:31,404 --> 00:27:32,225
It's about

767
00:27:32,845 --> 00:27:33,269
just

768
00:27:33,750 --> 00:27:36,330
seeing, does this part like its job?

769
00:27:37,190 --> 00:27:39,769
Because so often, the parts are exhausted.

770
00:27:40,549 --> 00:27:42,650
And so sometimes they want a little vacation.

771
00:27:43,109 --> 00:27:45,109
Sometimes they don't wanna be working twenty four

772
00:27:45,109 --> 00:27:45,609
seven.

773
00:27:45,910 --> 00:27:48,170
Sometimes the 16 o might be like,

774
00:27:48,835 --> 00:27:51,235
I love it, but when I come home,

775
00:27:51,235 --> 00:27:53,335
I I just kinda wanna be off.

776
00:27:54,195 --> 00:27:56,275
And so it's like, okay. So so just

777
00:27:56,275 --> 00:27:58,535
check-in what is this part of you needing

778
00:27:58,595 --> 00:28:01,075
from you, Roland. Right? And this part might

779
00:28:01,075 --> 00:28:02,599
be like a break.

780
00:28:02,980 --> 00:28:04,660
Mhmm. When you get home, you wanna play

781
00:28:04,660 --> 00:28:06,339
with the kids and the dogs and be

782
00:28:06,339 --> 00:28:08,819
present to your wife, not be like, hi.

783
00:28:08,819 --> 00:28:11,559
Watch me. I am Roland. 16.

784
00:28:11,700 --> 00:28:12,200
Right?

785
00:28:12,500 --> 00:28:14,500
And so what we see with those parts

786
00:28:14,500 --> 00:28:16,500
is like, gosh. Thank you so much for

787
00:28:16,500 --> 00:28:18,845
all you do. What if you dialed it

788
00:28:18,845 --> 00:28:20,845
back a little so that instead of being

789
00:28:20,845 --> 00:28:22,144
on 247,

790
00:28:22,605 --> 00:28:25,105
maybe you're on from, like, nine to five.

791
00:28:26,125 --> 00:28:28,544
Yeah. It's a it's what you're saying is

792
00:28:28,924 --> 00:28:31,024
I I met a guy who was trained

793
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:34,039
in IFS. I did not know he was

794
00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:36,480
you know, later, now that I'm in this

795
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:37,920
space and I'm trying to help people, I

796
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:39,200
would come to find out what he did

797
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,039
to me. But what we did, and it

798
00:28:41,039 --> 00:28:42,799
was it was huge, I wish I would

799
00:28:42,799 --> 00:28:44,160
have brought up you know, I did what

800
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:46,825
most guys did. I concealed my sex addiction

801
00:28:46,825 --> 00:28:47,884
from him because

802
00:28:48,424 --> 00:28:50,505
I was arrested when I was 14 because

803
00:28:50,505 --> 00:28:52,585
of my sex addiction. And so for me,

804
00:28:52,585 --> 00:28:54,664
after that experience, I wasn't gonna tell a

805
00:28:54,664 --> 00:28:57,065
soul because I was under the impression the

806
00:28:57,065 --> 00:28:58,984
police and the state gave me the impression

807
00:28:58,984 --> 00:29:00,970
that I was a freak. So I didn't

808
00:29:00,970 --> 00:29:02,490
wanna talk about this because I thought it

809
00:29:02,490 --> 00:29:04,089
was I thought there was nothing I could

810
00:29:04,089 --> 00:29:05,450
do about it. It wasn't until later that

811
00:29:05,450 --> 00:29:07,529
I found out. But my point was he

812
00:29:07,609 --> 00:29:08,990
when I was working with him,

813
00:29:09,369 --> 00:29:11,289
what we started to do, Candice, was it

814
00:29:11,289 --> 00:29:12,190
was like, okay.

815
00:29:12,904 --> 00:29:14,345
I I see it almost as like a

816
00:29:14,345 --> 00:29:16,585
gearbox in a car. Right? So that my

817
00:29:16,664 --> 00:29:18,704
his car had, you know, 18 gears, and

818
00:29:18,704 --> 00:29:20,765
it was like, what gear does this need?

819
00:29:20,825 --> 00:29:22,424
And so, really, what him and I started

820
00:29:22,424 --> 00:29:24,585
working was, as I started becoming familiar with

821
00:29:24,585 --> 00:29:26,424
the parts, it was like, well, let's just

822
00:29:26,424 --> 00:29:28,044
use them for what they're good at.

823
00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:30,159
Right? And so then instead of because to

824
00:29:30,159 --> 00:29:32,079
your point, do I need to be 16

825
00:29:32,079 --> 00:29:33,059
o all the time?

826
00:29:33,519 --> 00:29:36,240
No. Because 16 o cheats on my wife.

827
00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:37,919
I know that. And so what I have

828
00:29:37,919 --> 00:29:39,359
to be careful of is, alright, when the

829
00:29:39,359 --> 00:29:40,740
keynote speech is done,

830
00:29:42,065 --> 00:29:43,424
as much as I I used to like

831
00:29:43,424 --> 00:29:44,705
to keep them on because you know why?

832
00:29:44,705 --> 00:29:45,984
Because then when you I mean, you've keynote

833
00:29:45,984 --> 00:29:47,664
speak before. You get off stage and now

834
00:29:47,664 --> 00:29:49,984
you got all the people. They want pictures

835
00:29:49,984 --> 00:29:51,345
with you. And so I used to keep

836
00:29:51,345 --> 00:29:52,545
them on because I was like, oh, let's

837
00:29:52,545 --> 00:29:54,785
drink that up. Yeah. But now I don't

838
00:29:54,785 --> 00:29:57,150
wanna be a guy who's objectifying

839
00:29:57,609 --> 00:29:59,450
the people I'm there to serve. So I

840
00:29:59,450 --> 00:30:00,890
talked to him and said, hey. You take

841
00:30:00,890 --> 00:30:02,490
the stage, and then when we come off

842
00:30:02,490 --> 00:30:02,990
stage,

843
00:30:03,369 --> 00:30:05,609
let's just be let's be one more bum

844
00:30:05,609 --> 00:30:07,690
on the bus because that's actually what people

845
00:30:07,690 --> 00:30:09,849
want. People wanna interact with somebody who just

846
00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:12,375
delivered a killer keynote who's actually a normal

847
00:30:12,375 --> 00:30:12,875
person.

848
00:30:13,255 --> 00:30:15,414
And so that's how I started selling all

849
00:30:15,414 --> 00:30:16,934
these parts on, like, hey. If we really

850
00:30:16,934 --> 00:30:19,255
wanna live a like, make the impact that

851
00:30:19,255 --> 00:30:20,154
you wanna make,

852
00:30:20,535 --> 00:30:23,174
let's let's come on stage and dominate the

853
00:30:23,174 --> 00:30:24,615
room because you're so good at that, and

854
00:30:24,615 --> 00:30:27,029
you're gonna get maximum attention. And then when

855
00:30:27,029 --> 00:30:28,710
we get off, let's kinda let's let's put

856
00:30:28,710 --> 00:30:30,950
that to rest and let's just be let's

857
00:30:30,950 --> 00:30:32,950
show these people that we're actually not better

858
00:30:32,950 --> 00:30:35,350
than them. Let's show them that we are,

859
00:30:35,350 --> 00:30:36,090
if anything,

860
00:30:36,549 --> 00:30:38,470
know exactly the pain that they're struggling with.

861
00:30:38,470 --> 00:30:40,230
Right? And so that's I was just trying

862
00:30:40,230 --> 00:30:42,525
to share that example with guys, like, in

863
00:30:42,525 --> 00:30:44,285
no way are Candace and I trying to

864
00:30:44,285 --> 00:30:45,265
kill off

865
00:30:45,565 --> 00:30:47,565
your skill set. We just wanna make sure

866
00:30:47,565 --> 00:30:48,924
you turn it off because the problem is,

867
00:30:48,924 --> 00:30:50,285
and guys do this, they go on a

868
00:30:50,285 --> 00:30:52,125
conference and it's like I am here, I'm

869
00:30:52,125 --> 00:30:53,965
gonna meet everyone I need to meet, I'm

870
00:30:53,965 --> 00:30:55,644
gonna get all these phone numbers, I'm gonna

871
00:30:55,644 --> 00:30:56,625
get all these opportunities

872
00:30:57,049 --> 00:30:58,569
and they shift that gear on, and they're

873
00:30:58,569 --> 00:31:00,730
like, I'm gonna turn that on on Thursday.

874
00:31:00,730 --> 00:31:02,409
I'm not gonna turn it off until I

875
00:31:02,409 --> 00:31:03,549
get back home on Monday.

876
00:31:03,849 --> 00:31:06,109
Problem is that guy is now out drinking

877
00:31:06,169 --> 00:31:08,329
about a bunch of women. He is now

878
00:31:08,490 --> 00:31:10,730
and so the challenge is guys often wonder,

879
00:31:10,730 --> 00:31:12,434
oh, I felt like my brain was hijacked.

880
00:31:12,595 --> 00:31:14,835
What was you basically said, hey. I'm gonna

881
00:31:14,835 --> 00:31:16,595
go to this event, and I'm gonna I'm

882
00:31:16,595 --> 00:31:19,715
gonna be I'm gonna be this. And, yeah,

883
00:31:19,715 --> 00:31:21,475
that guy doesn't have the same values that

884
00:31:21,475 --> 00:31:22,755
you had. So when he was there, he

885
00:31:22,755 --> 00:31:24,995
was single, and he was doing everything that

886
00:31:24,995 --> 00:31:26,674
he could to get ahead, and he did

887
00:31:26,674 --> 00:31:28,690
a great job at that. And now you

888
00:31:28,690 --> 00:31:29,970
have something to disclose to your wife when

889
00:31:29,970 --> 00:31:32,049
you go home because you since you made

890
00:31:32,049 --> 00:31:33,430
a mistake. Right? And so,

891
00:31:34,049 --> 00:31:35,650
I I hopefully, I explained that well, but

892
00:31:35,650 --> 00:31:37,009
I just I wanted to show these guys,

893
00:31:37,009 --> 00:31:38,529
like, in no way are we asking you

894
00:31:38,529 --> 00:31:40,549
to kill these off. We're just starting,

895
00:31:40,945 --> 00:31:42,465
like I said, I envision it as, like,

896
00:31:42,465 --> 00:31:44,305
a 16 gear car. It's like, I'm gonna

897
00:31:44,305 --> 00:31:45,744
use gear three for this, and I'm gonna

898
00:31:45,744 --> 00:31:47,545
go to seventh grade for this. And then

899
00:31:47,744 --> 00:31:50,465
and I'm intentional I call it intentional living.

900
00:31:50,465 --> 00:31:52,305
I mean, it's just I'm using the most

901
00:31:52,305 --> 00:31:53,605
strategically advantageous

902
00:31:54,889 --> 00:31:57,690
part for the population in front of me

903
00:31:57,690 --> 00:31:58,750
so that I cannot

904
00:31:59,369 --> 00:32:01,450
dishonor my own morals and values and also

905
00:32:01,450 --> 00:32:03,210
not harm them in the process. And it's

906
00:32:03,210 --> 00:32:05,609
just getting slowly better at choosing the most

907
00:32:05,609 --> 00:32:07,529
appropriate part. The and if you guys think

908
00:32:07,529 --> 00:32:09,515
you can't do this, that's BS. I know

909
00:32:09,515 --> 00:32:11,434
you can because most of you listeners have

910
00:32:11,434 --> 00:32:13,355
kids. I promise you, you do not talk

911
00:32:13,355 --> 00:32:15,275
to your son and daughter the same way

912
00:32:15,275 --> 00:32:16,575
that you talk to

913
00:32:16,875 --> 00:32:19,914
your employees or your business partners. Like, I

914
00:32:19,914 --> 00:32:22,095
know you don't. And that's an example of

915
00:32:22,349 --> 00:32:24,109
why would I use this part over here

916
00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:26,369
when my daughter doesn't care about my ability

917
00:32:26,589 --> 00:32:28,509
to make money? She could care. She's five

918
00:32:28,509 --> 00:32:29,970
years old. She could care less.

919
00:32:30,349 --> 00:32:31,710
Right. So why would I bring that up?

920
00:32:31,710 --> 00:32:34,109
Is that an accurate description of kind of

921
00:32:34,109 --> 00:32:35,490
using your part strategically?

922
00:32:35,950 --> 00:32:37,169
Yeah. I mean, I think,

923
00:32:37,775 --> 00:32:40,034
yeah, I I I'll say that

924
00:32:40,974 --> 00:32:41,474
parts

925
00:32:41,855 --> 00:32:42,355
parts

926
00:32:42,974 --> 00:32:45,474
get to have consent as to what they

927
00:32:46,174 --> 00:32:49,214
because they're forced into their roles at a

928
00:32:49,214 --> 00:32:50,275
very young age.

929
00:32:50,870 --> 00:32:53,130
Parts are forced into their roles.

930
00:32:53,910 --> 00:32:55,289
And so so

931
00:32:56,230 --> 00:32:58,890
it's not about necessarily selling them on anything.

932
00:32:59,190 --> 00:33:02,230
It's not using them. It's really building a

933
00:33:02,230 --> 00:33:04,170
self to part relationship so

934
00:33:04,714 --> 00:33:06,315
that the 16

935
00:33:06,315 --> 00:33:08,335
o part trusts you enough to

936
00:33:08,634 --> 00:33:10,494
say, oh, Roland's here.

937
00:33:11,035 --> 00:33:11,535
Wow.

938
00:33:12,234 --> 00:33:14,875
Wait. Roland can handle this? Mhmm. I can

939
00:33:14,875 --> 00:33:16,714
dial it back. I can sit and, like,

940
00:33:16,714 --> 00:33:17,775
watch him lead.

941
00:33:18,075 --> 00:33:19,615
Wait. He's gonna lead

942
00:33:20,149 --> 00:33:23,289
the way that I've loved leading, but without

943
00:33:23,349 --> 00:33:25,690
all the the ways that have caused pain?

944
00:33:26,230 --> 00:33:28,549
Okay. I'd like to have him do that.

945
00:33:28,549 --> 00:33:31,109
Mhmm. That's more what we're going after. Yeah.

946
00:33:31,109 --> 00:33:32,549
Yeah. It's a it's a

947
00:33:33,109 --> 00:33:35,085
I so here's how I'll speak to that.

948
00:33:35,244 --> 00:33:37,724
I've gotten there now, but if we rewind

949
00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:39,904
back when I first started doing this work,

950
00:33:40,044 --> 00:33:41,664
it was very much

951
00:33:42,125 --> 00:33:44,845
it was a very disjointed process. Now I

952
00:33:44,845 --> 00:33:46,304
do feel more of a harmonious

953
00:33:47,085 --> 00:33:47,585
Mhmm.

954
00:33:48,125 --> 00:33:49,484
Now that I've been doing this for so

955
00:33:49,484 --> 00:33:51,700
long, because I pretty much have done exclusive

956
00:33:52,079 --> 00:33:54,079
fairly ex well, I've done some somatic experience,

957
00:33:54,079 --> 00:33:55,920
but I've I've I would say 80% of

958
00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:59,359
my work through recovery has been IFS. It's

959
00:33:59,359 --> 00:34:01,279
it's it's been the bulk of it. And

960
00:34:01,279 --> 00:34:03,279
I think doing it enough now, it's more

961
00:34:03,279 --> 00:34:05,894
of a harmony, a symphony. They're aware of

962
00:34:05,894 --> 00:34:08,155
each other. We're starting to realize,

963
00:34:08,614 --> 00:34:10,775
you know, because they're all trying to, like,

964
00:34:10,775 --> 00:34:12,375
have this go well, they are starting to

965
00:34:12,375 --> 00:34:14,054
real it's it's like that Inside Out movie.

966
00:34:14,054 --> 00:34:16,539
Right? Like, you know, it's like anxiety is

967
00:34:16,539 --> 00:34:18,019
like, hey. Let me take care of it.

968
00:34:18,019 --> 00:34:19,860
And then right? And it's like Wow. You

969
00:34:19,860 --> 00:34:21,059
know, they start to get to use to

970
00:34:21,059 --> 00:34:22,980
each other. It's like, well, how about actually

971
00:34:22,980 --> 00:34:24,280
you do this? Because

972
00:34:24,820 --> 00:34:26,179
every time I do it, I screw it

973
00:34:26,179 --> 00:34:28,179
up. And so that's, I think, advanced what

974
00:34:28,179 --> 00:34:29,699
you're you know, eventually, you get to this

975
00:34:29,699 --> 00:34:30,519
point where

976
00:34:30,934 --> 00:34:33,335
you know them so well that there's this

977
00:34:33,414 --> 00:34:35,494
yeah. It's it's it's harmonious. But, yeah, in

978
00:34:35,494 --> 00:34:37,275
the beginning, it was very much like

979
00:34:37,974 --> 00:34:39,574
I had to, like, it it was not

980
00:34:39,574 --> 00:34:40,855
quite like that. Let me just say that.

981
00:34:40,855 --> 00:34:42,635
It was very janky in the beginning.

982
00:34:43,059 --> 00:34:44,739
Well, and I think I mean, it's definitely

983
00:34:44,739 --> 00:34:46,739
a learning curve. If you think about kind

984
00:34:46,739 --> 00:34:49,539
of historically how recovery in any sense looks,

985
00:34:49,539 --> 00:34:52,659
it's very cognitive based, cognitive behavioral therapy, and

986
00:34:52,659 --> 00:34:55,239
this is not. Mhmm. This is very experiential.

987
00:34:55,619 --> 00:34:58,724
Mhmm. You know, it's very, like, connecting to

988
00:34:58,724 --> 00:35:01,545
your body. It's it it is kind of

989
00:35:02,164 --> 00:35:04,404
it it's some people might say it's woo

990
00:35:04,404 --> 00:35:05,704
woo even. Right?

991
00:35:06,164 --> 00:35:06,664
But

992
00:35:07,125 --> 00:35:09,545
every single person I worked with,

993
00:35:12,230 --> 00:35:15,109
no matter what their neurology is, no matter

994
00:35:15,109 --> 00:35:16,949
where you know, how they show up to

995
00:35:16,949 --> 00:35:18,710
see me, no matter what country they're in

996
00:35:18,710 --> 00:35:19,849
and come from, it's

997
00:35:20,150 --> 00:35:22,489
they they understand it. Now sometimes,

998
00:35:23,109 --> 00:35:24,409
depending on their developmental

999
00:35:24,710 --> 00:35:26,730
level, we have to get creative.

1000
00:35:28,105 --> 00:35:30,125
Right? But I there is a way

1001
00:35:30,664 --> 00:35:33,405
as an IFS therapist that we can

1002
00:35:33,704 --> 00:35:34,445
just by

1003
00:35:34,905 --> 00:35:37,625
doing IFS that we can really help get

1004
00:35:37,625 --> 00:35:40,664
into someone's system. Mhmm. So it's not about

1005
00:35:40,664 --> 00:35:42,204
talking about the parts

1006
00:35:42,869 --> 00:35:45,130
as much as it is you connecting

1007
00:35:45,429 --> 00:35:47,589
in the therapy session with your parts. And

1008
00:35:47,589 --> 00:35:49,929
sometimes we use what's called direct access

1009
00:35:50,469 --> 00:35:52,389
because people struggle with that. They struggle a

1010
00:35:52,389 --> 00:35:53,509
part of me. They're like, I don't know

1011
00:35:53,509 --> 00:35:55,670
what we're talking about. But then I'll just

1012
00:35:55,670 --> 00:35:58,135
say to you, if I see that there's

1013
00:35:58,135 --> 00:35:59,974
a part here, you know, what are you

1014
00:35:59,974 --> 00:36:02,554
hoping to do when you are, like,

1015
00:36:02,934 --> 00:36:04,775
chasing women? Or what are you hoping to

1016
00:36:04,775 --> 00:36:07,094
do when you're taking steroids? Mhmm. What are

1017
00:36:07,094 --> 00:36:09,559
you concerned will happen? Right? And that when

1018
00:36:09,559 --> 00:36:11,159
we ask that, it lets us know that

1019
00:36:11,159 --> 00:36:13,079
there's an exile. You let us know. You

1020
00:36:13,079 --> 00:36:15,099
let the listeners and myself know

1021
00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:19,079
there's this really little wounded boy that shy

1022
00:36:19,079 --> 00:36:21,320
excluded all this stuff and he would be

1023
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:22,699
what we the goal

1024
00:36:23,304 --> 00:36:25,304
is to tend to the protectors of that

1025
00:36:25,304 --> 00:36:27,545
part so they trust you enough and me

1026
00:36:27,545 --> 00:36:28,364
enough eventually

1027
00:36:28,905 --> 00:36:30,985
to be able to connect with that little

1028
00:36:30,985 --> 00:36:33,864
exile boy, that part of you, to help

1029
00:36:33,864 --> 00:36:37,239
him heal. Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. It's I love

1030
00:36:37,239 --> 00:36:38,299
that. You you articulate

1031
00:36:38,599 --> 00:36:40,679
that so well. That was such a great

1032
00:36:40,679 --> 00:36:41,819
job. It's a it's,

1033
00:36:43,799 --> 00:36:45,480
and I hope the audience listened to that

1034
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:46,619
too is I think

1035
00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:47,500
where

1036
00:36:48,244 --> 00:36:50,005
where this seems intimidating to a lot of

1037
00:36:50,005 --> 00:36:51,445
people is they're like, yeah. I don't know

1038
00:36:51,445 --> 00:36:53,925
what a part is, or they'll hear scary

1039
00:36:53,925 --> 00:36:54,824
words like,

1040
00:36:55,285 --> 00:36:56,164
narcissist. And,

1041
00:36:56,885 --> 00:36:58,885
again, I hope you really hear what you

1042
00:36:58,885 --> 00:37:00,405
know, Candice said it when she was kind

1043
00:37:00,405 --> 00:37:01,704
of introducing that concept.

1044
00:37:02,085 --> 00:37:03,945
These things are all spectrums.

1045
00:37:04,380 --> 00:37:05,980
All of them. Everything. I I think everything

1046
00:37:05,980 --> 00:37:07,420
in life is spectrum. I don't I personally

1047
00:37:07,420 --> 00:37:09,500
don't believe anyone is straight or gay. I

1048
00:37:09,500 --> 00:37:12,000
think everyone is gayish and straightish.

1049
00:37:13,019 --> 00:37:15,420
I think everything in life is on some

1050
00:37:15,420 --> 00:37:17,260
degree of a spectrum. I don't think anyone

1051
00:37:17,260 --> 00:37:19,375
is a pure anything. So, you you know,

1052
00:37:19,375 --> 00:37:20,894
I hope you hear what she's saying in

1053
00:37:20,894 --> 00:37:21,394
terms

1054
00:37:22,335 --> 00:37:24,515
of in no way are we calling you

1055
00:37:24,735 --> 00:37:25,235
anything.

1056
00:37:25,934 --> 00:37:27,855
You know, I I I wanna speak to

1057
00:37:27,855 --> 00:37:29,454
this, and I wanna have you speak back

1058
00:37:29,454 --> 00:37:31,795
to it, like, from a narcissistic standpoint.

1059
00:37:33,140 --> 00:37:34,980
I've been called that before, no no no

1060
00:37:34,980 --> 00:37:36,739
doubt. I was called it by my parents

1061
00:37:36,739 --> 00:37:38,260
growing up in high school, I was called

1062
00:37:38,260 --> 00:37:40,660
it by I've been called it by adults,

1063
00:37:40,660 --> 00:37:42,260
I've never been called it by a therapist,

1064
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:44,019
therapists know better than to call me that,

1065
00:37:44,019 --> 00:37:44,519
but

1066
00:37:45,155 --> 00:37:46,835
but I've been I've been I've been called

1067
00:37:46,835 --> 00:37:48,855
that ish before, and I think

1068
00:37:49,394 --> 00:37:51,255
where I grew to

1069
00:37:51,795 --> 00:37:51,954
be

1070
00:37:53,155 --> 00:37:54,994
where I grew to kind of embrace it

1071
00:37:54,994 --> 00:37:57,494
and use it and listen to it was

1072
00:37:57,900 --> 00:38:00,219
when I had someone explain to me, like,

1073
00:38:00,219 --> 00:38:01,359
what narcissistic

1074
00:38:01,819 --> 00:38:04,960
tendency, like, traits, how they happen. Like, I

1075
00:38:05,500 --> 00:38:07,339
I trusted I did not trust my parents.

1076
00:38:07,339 --> 00:38:09,579
By eight years old, I trusted them to

1077
00:38:09,579 --> 00:38:11,414
feed me and that was it. I did

1078
00:38:11,414 --> 00:38:13,015
not trust them to see me, hear me,

1079
00:38:13,015 --> 00:38:15,335
listen to me. Frankly, the advice they gave

1080
00:38:15,335 --> 00:38:16,934
me I was a pretty smart kid. Like,

1081
00:38:16,934 --> 00:38:19,015
the advice they gave me, I was like,

1082
00:38:19,015 --> 00:38:21,655
nah. Like, I'm gonna be like, that's I

1083
00:38:21,655 --> 00:38:23,414
don't wanna do that. I don't wanna do

1084
00:38:23,414 --> 00:38:24,535
any of that. I don't wanna go to

1085
00:38:24,535 --> 00:38:25,894
college there. I don't wanna do anything of

1086
00:38:25,894 --> 00:38:28,269
what you're saying. And so I became very

1087
00:38:28,269 --> 00:38:28,769
narcissistic

1088
00:38:30,269 --> 00:38:32,829
when it came to my future and what

1089
00:38:32,829 --> 00:38:34,030
I'm how I'm gonna use my time. I

1090
00:38:34,030 --> 00:38:35,089
became very narcissistic

1091
00:38:35,389 --> 00:38:36,369
when it came to,

1092
00:38:37,949 --> 00:38:39,630
how I was going to be seen and

1093
00:38:39,630 --> 00:38:40,864
how I was gonna choose to go do

1094
00:38:40,864 --> 00:38:42,864
that. I get and so, essentially, because I

1095
00:38:42,864 --> 00:38:44,944
didn't trust them to do anything besides feed

1096
00:38:44,944 --> 00:38:45,444
me,

1097
00:38:46,385 --> 00:38:48,864
I was gonna get love. I was gonna

1098
00:38:48,864 --> 00:38:51,824
get sex. I was gonna get fulfillment. I

1099
00:38:51,824 --> 00:38:54,279
was gonna get so I just wanna share

1100
00:38:54,279 --> 00:38:56,759
that to the listeners. When someone calls you

1101
00:38:56,759 --> 00:38:57,420
a narcissist

1102
00:38:57,719 --> 00:38:59,500
or or it claims that you have narcissistic

1103
00:38:59,559 --> 00:39:01,559
tendencies or maybe even your therapist has kinda

1104
00:39:01,559 --> 00:39:02,539
broached the idea,

1105
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:04,940
I just want you guys to hear, like,

1106
00:39:06,759 --> 00:39:08,299
I am not a narcissist.

1107
00:39:09,434 --> 00:39:09,934
However,

1108
00:39:10,235 --> 00:39:12,075
I am very much aware that I trust

1109
00:39:12,075 --> 00:39:14,075
no one but myself to get my needs

1110
00:39:14,075 --> 00:39:15,755
met in a ton of categories, which I

1111
00:39:15,755 --> 00:39:16,875
don't know. If you kinda look up the

1112
00:39:16,875 --> 00:39:17,375
definition,

1113
00:39:18,155 --> 00:39:20,015
they're not too they're not too dissimilar.

1114
00:39:20,474 --> 00:39:22,474
Can you speak to that piece for the

1115
00:39:22,474 --> 00:39:24,075
people listening? Because I think that is kind

1116
00:39:24,075 --> 00:39:25,429
of a barrier to entry I'm

1117
00:39:26,530 --> 00:39:28,050
gonna go see Candice, and she's gonna just

1118
00:39:28,050 --> 00:39:29,650
gonna diagnose me with all of these, like,

1119
00:39:29,650 --> 00:39:30,389
really serious

1120
00:39:30,690 --> 00:39:32,069
issues that I don't wanna

1121
00:39:32,449 --> 00:39:33,969
see, and I certainly don't want my wife

1122
00:39:33,969 --> 00:39:35,409
to come to this appointment and my wife

1123
00:39:35,409 --> 00:39:37,089
to see because this is gonna be can

1124
00:39:37,089 --> 00:39:39,429
you speak to how it's not as scary

1125
00:39:39,489 --> 00:39:42,574
as everyone's making it out to be? Yeah.

1126
00:39:43,034 --> 00:39:45,034
It's not. I wanna say I've been called

1127
00:39:45,034 --> 00:39:46,494
a narcissist as well.

1128
00:39:48,795 --> 00:39:49,295
So

1129
00:39:49,594 --> 00:39:50,335
I think,

1130
00:39:51,114 --> 00:39:52,735
you know, again, like,

1131
00:39:53,599 --> 00:39:56,739
sometimes those terms are just thrown around. Mhmm.

1132
00:39:56,800 --> 00:39:57,300
Right?

1133
00:39:58,000 --> 00:39:59,940
And the reality is is that

1134
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:03,280
people that come to us actually as they

1135
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:03,780
map

1136
00:40:08,414 --> 00:40:08,914
Mhmm.

1137
00:40:13,535 --> 00:40:14,035
Mhmm.

1138
00:40:16,255 --> 00:40:17,555
Come to that sometimes.

1139
00:40:18,015 --> 00:40:19,934
Mhmm. Well, if we name it based on

1140
00:40:19,934 --> 00:40:21,535
what they're describing, we might say

1141
00:40:22,690 --> 00:40:25,010
but but you actually name your own parts.

1142
00:40:25,010 --> 00:40:27,090
We don't name your parts. You know? Now

1143
00:40:27,090 --> 00:40:29,030
we might say if we're hearing

1144
00:40:29,409 --> 00:40:32,210
hearing it and it's consistent and partner around

1145
00:40:32,210 --> 00:40:33,110
it, okay.

1146
00:40:33,489 --> 00:40:36,309
There's definitely some a part here that,

1147
00:40:36,875 --> 00:40:39,114
you know, show up in this way. Will

1148
00:40:39,114 --> 00:40:42,094
you not turn? Because even say narcissistic

1149
00:40:42,554 --> 00:40:45,835
part, if it's not like what you're saying,

1150
00:40:45,835 --> 00:40:49,114
be a narcissistic part. Yeah. That's more that's

1151
00:40:49,114 --> 00:40:49,614
that's

1152
00:40:50,300 --> 00:40:53,840
disarming versus you're a narcissist, Roland. Right.

1153
00:40:54,699 --> 00:40:56,300
Right? Like, you can hear me go, oh,

1154
00:40:56,300 --> 00:40:58,380
I'm curious. You know, I'm curious if you

1155
00:40:58,380 --> 00:40:59,119
feel like

1156
00:40:59,739 --> 00:41:02,059
that may be a narcissistic part of you.

1157
00:41:02,059 --> 00:41:04,905
Now remember, I mean, for folks that are

1158
00:41:04,905 --> 00:41:05,405
listening,

1159
00:41:06,505 --> 00:41:07,324
those are

1160
00:41:07,704 --> 00:41:08,204
protectors

1161
00:41:08,505 --> 00:41:10,364
of a very wounded,

1162
00:41:10,824 --> 00:41:13,244
very wounded parter parts. Mhmm.

1163
00:41:13,625 --> 00:41:15,724
That really is what's happening. Mhmm.

1164
00:41:16,199 --> 00:41:18,679
And so if if if we I as

1165
00:41:18,679 --> 00:41:20,300
a therapist can help

1166
00:41:20,920 --> 00:41:23,260
the client in front of me to befriend

1167
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:25,400
those the part that is protecting that sweet

1168
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:26,219
little exile,

1169
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:29,159
then that part will soften back and can

1170
00:41:29,159 --> 00:41:32,364
do some cool, like, mind blowing work

1171
00:41:32,984 --> 00:41:35,065
to heal that part that they're protecting. And

1172
00:41:35,065 --> 00:41:37,965
then then what we see with the, quote,

1173
00:41:38,025 --> 00:41:41,484
narcissistic part is those behaviors actually soften.

1174
00:41:41,945 --> 00:41:42,445
Mhmm.

1175
00:41:44,159 --> 00:41:46,800
Mhmm. Yeah. It's a it's you're you're reminding

1176
00:41:46,800 --> 00:41:49,059
me of, intensive that I went to.

1177
00:41:49,679 --> 00:41:51,699
I it was when I finally

1178
00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:53,679
and this was hard for me. I didn't

1179
00:41:53,679 --> 00:41:55,840
realize how much I hated rolling one point

1180
00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:56,735
o. I

1181
00:41:57,035 --> 00:41:59,195
I I knew peep like, I had therapists

1182
00:41:59,195 --> 00:42:00,875
tell me that how scared they were of

1183
00:42:00,875 --> 00:42:02,175
how much I hated them.

1184
00:42:02,635 --> 00:42:04,015
I didn't really understand

1185
00:42:04,394 --> 00:42:06,635
that. It was so I I I I

1186
00:42:06,635 --> 00:42:07,135
developed

1187
00:42:07,515 --> 00:42:09,275
Roland two point o when I was, like,

1188
00:42:09,275 --> 00:42:11,650
eight. So, like, I it's been so

1189
00:42:12,190 --> 00:42:14,989
long. Decades upon decades of before, like, I

1190
00:42:14,989 --> 00:42:16,989
killed him off and called him names so

1191
00:42:16,989 --> 00:42:19,789
long ago that I I'm just kinda it's

1192
00:42:19,789 --> 00:42:22,030
like the telephone game. All I know is

1193
00:42:22,030 --> 00:42:24,684
that one point o told, or sorry, two

1194
00:42:24,684 --> 00:42:25,885
point o told three point o that he

1195
00:42:25,885 --> 00:42:27,405
hates him and three point o to four

1196
00:42:27,405 --> 00:42:28,844
point o that he hates him. And now

1197
00:42:28,844 --> 00:42:30,525
here I am at 16 o, and I

1198
00:42:30,525 --> 00:42:31,804
don't even know who he is. It's been

1199
00:42:31,804 --> 00:42:33,964
so long, but all I know is 15

1200
00:42:33,964 --> 00:42:36,204
o said that everybody has hated him up

1201
00:42:36,204 --> 00:42:37,980
to this point. Right? So but I was

1202
00:42:38,139 --> 00:42:39,900
Candice, you reminded me of an intensive that

1203
00:42:39,900 --> 00:42:41,500
I was at. And you know what? I

1204
00:42:41,500 --> 00:42:43,099
had my eyes closed. We were doing this

1205
00:42:43,099 --> 00:42:46,000
exercise where my pipe my parents were hypothetically

1206
00:42:46,300 --> 00:42:47,980
sitting in front of me. Right? And I

1207
00:42:47,980 --> 00:42:49,420
was at this intensive and all these other

1208
00:42:49,420 --> 00:42:50,539
people were at the intensive, which, by the

1209
00:42:50,539 --> 00:42:51,440
way, everybody listening,

1210
00:42:51,885 --> 00:42:54,045
if you are in recovery, you need to

1211
00:42:54,045 --> 00:42:56,684
be going to I shouldn't say need. I

1212
00:42:56,684 --> 00:42:58,605
would highly second minute suggest that you are

1213
00:42:58,605 --> 00:43:00,765
going to routinely I don't care how deep

1214
00:43:00,765 --> 00:43:02,525
you are in your recovery. I would put

1215
00:43:02,525 --> 00:43:04,445
at least one intensive on your calendar every

1216
00:43:04,445 --> 00:43:06,820
year, if not two. I just it's trust

1217
00:43:06,820 --> 00:43:08,820
me, it's just it's it's a smart move

1218
00:43:08,820 --> 00:43:10,340
for so many reasons. But anyways, I'm at

1219
00:43:10,340 --> 00:43:12,500
this intensive and you're reminding me, Ken, I

1220
00:43:12,500 --> 00:43:14,820
I was sitting there and the therapist was

1221
00:43:14,820 --> 00:43:16,579
guiding me and he was asking me this

1222
00:43:16,579 --> 00:43:18,019
is it was coming to an end and

1223
00:43:18,019 --> 00:43:19,619
he asked me a question and that and

1224
00:43:19,619 --> 00:43:20,739
this is the first time I've ever said

1225
00:43:20,739 --> 00:43:23,390
this, It was so beautiful. I said I

1226
00:43:23,390 --> 00:43:26,207
said, man, that kid's a stud. Like like,

1227
00:43:26,207 --> 00:43:29,376
what a baller to understand at eight Mhmm.

1228
00:43:29,728 --> 00:43:32,898
That his parents, because of their particular that

1229
00:43:32,898 --> 00:43:35,715
we had a very strict faith that they

1230
00:43:35,715 --> 00:43:36,420
subscribe to,

1231
00:43:37,059 --> 00:43:38,579
because of the road map and the what

1232
00:43:38,579 --> 00:43:40,420
they were gonna force me to do, my

1233
00:43:40,420 --> 00:43:43,000
design knew, Roland, you were gonna be unfulfilled

1234
00:43:43,299 --> 00:43:45,219
going down that path. And so I was

1235
00:43:45,219 --> 00:43:46,039
like, wow.

1236
00:43:46,420 --> 00:43:48,500
Good for him. So I'm saying this to

1237
00:43:48,500 --> 00:43:49,639
the listeners, like,

1238
00:43:50,164 --> 00:43:52,264
while my narcissistic tendencies

1239
00:43:52,804 --> 00:43:54,744
I was ashamed of for so long,

1240
00:43:55,125 --> 00:43:57,045
now I'm not ashamed of them. I still

1241
00:43:57,045 --> 00:43:58,905
kind of want them out of my life.

1242
00:43:59,284 --> 00:43:59,784
But,

1243
00:44:00,405 --> 00:44:02,724
at the same time, I also am actually

1244
00:44:02,724 --> 00:44:04,909
very impressed with how narcissistic

1245
00:44:05,449 --> 00:44:07,449
I got, how young, because it was like,

1246
00:44:07,449 --> 00:44:08,510
wow. He recognized

1247
00:44:09,369 --> 00:44:11,369
this ain't gonna work for us. Now did

1248
00:44:11,369 --> 00:44:12,730
he choose the best way to do it?

1249
00:44:12,730 --> 00:44:14,329
No. But, I mean, at eight, what option

1250
00:44:14,329 --> 00:44:15,929
did he have? I mean, it was church

1251
00:44:15,929 --> 00:44:17,609
and they all I hated them. They hated

1252
00:44:17,609 --> 00:44:17,985
me.

1253
00:44:18,625 --> 00:44:19,905
I couldn't do it at home. So, like,

1254
00:44:19,905 --> 00:44:21,345
what option do I have? I had to

1255
00:44:21,345 --> 00:44:23,105
I had to do it myself. So I

1256
00:44:23,105 --> 00:44:24,545
I just wanted to tell that short story

1257
00:44:24,545 --> 00:44:25,985
of because this is what Dennis is talking

1258
00:44:25,985 --> 00:44:26,724
about is

1259
00:44:27,025 --> 00:44:28,625
this is how you in my opinion, how

1260
00:44:28,625 --> 00:44:30,485
you get past your narcissistic

1261
00:44:31,505 --> 00:44:33,445
stuff that you have to get past is

1262
00:44:33,710 --> 00:44:35,789
I started recognizing, oh, I see why it

1263
00:44:35,789 --> 00:44:37,789
was there. It was brilliant. Honestly, it was

1264
00:44:37,789 --> 00:44:41,309
genius. It Right? It's genius psychology. Geni whoever

1265
00:44:41,309 --> 00:44:42,989
designed us humans, it was brilliant to be

1266
00:44:42,989 --> 00:44:44,690
able to give us the ability. And

1267
00:44:45,309 --> 00:44:47,069
I'm also a full grown man who doesn't

1268
00:44:47,069 --> 00:44:49,054
live with my parents anymore. Right? And so

1269
00:44:49,054 --> 00:44:50,494
that's where now I have to be like,

1270
00:44:50,494 --> 00:44:52,574
okay. Do we tone some of that stuff

1271
00:44:52,574 --> 00:44:53,074
down?

1272
00:44:53,534 --> 00:44:55,694
Like, do we trust the universe now to

1273
00:44:55,694 --> 00:44:57,534
take care of us? Because there's a lot

1274
00:44:57,534 --> 00:44:59,074
of evidence that it's actually

1275
00:44:59,375 --> 00:45:01,679
gonna probably go well now. But that was

1276
00:45:01,679 --> 00:45:03,119
not my mindset back then. So I think

1277
00:45:03,119 --> 00:45:05,460
that was a really good example of Yeah.

1278
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:07,519
Right? Oh, it was. I mean, I I

1279
00:45:07,519 --> 00:45:10,339
just well, and I wanna say that how

1280
00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:12,019
to your eight year old part,

1281
00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:15,085
like, I I really just appreciate

1282
00:45:15,464 --> 00:45:16,364
how resourceful

1283
00:45:16,744 --> 00:45:17,804
that part was

1284
00:45:18,585 --> 00:45:20,284
to try and keep you safe.

1285
00:45:22,505 --> 00:45:23,804
Right? And so

1286
00:45:24,664 --> 00:45:25,164
and

1287
00:45:25,545 --> 00:45:28,684
if that part learns to trust you,

1288
00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:31,679
that part that feels like it has to

1289
00:45:31,679 --> 00:45:33,840
show up in these ways that look like

1290
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:35,140
the label of narcissist,

1291
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:38,579
if that part trusts that you're here,

1292
00:45:39,039 --> 00:45:40,099
this part is

1293
00:45:40,719 --> 00:45:43,380
safe with you, you are its home,

1294
00:45:44,434 --> 00:45:47,175
then it might be, like, willing to soften

1295
00:45:47,315 --> 00:45:48,295
and let you

1296
00:45:48,594 --> 00:45:51,574
lead. Mhmm. Right? Mhmm. Mhmm. It takes time.

1297
00:45:51,954 --> 00:45:53,655
Mhmm. And that's how this works.

1298
00:45:54,034 --> 00:45:56,195
That's, like, that's actually so, like, as I've

1299
00:45:56,195 --> 00:45:57,394
been doing this, that is

1300
00:45:57,980 --> 00:45:59,659
they do come off it. And it comes

1301
00:45:59,739 --> 00:46:01,099
and and I just want everybody listening too.

1302
00:46:01,099 --> 00:46:02,559
It comes off in different ways.

1303
00:46:03,260 --> 00:46:05,839
Sometimes I'm selling them on letting go.

1304
00:46:06,139 --> 00:46:06,639
Sometimes

1305
00:46:07,260 --> 00:46:09,739
they are not really being sold, but they're

1306
00:46:09,980 --> 00:46:11,420
some of them some of them back down.

1307
00:46:11,420 --> 00:46:12,460
Some of them are like, oh, no. No.

1308
00:46:12,460 --> 00:46:13,944
No. Like, I don't wanna do that. I've

1309
00:46:13,944 --> 00:46:15,385
just done that because I had to do

1310
00:46:15,385 --> 00:46:16,744
it that way. But if you're gonna do

1311
00:46:16,744 --> 00:46:18,184
it that way and there'll be no negative

1312
00:46:18,184 --> 00:46:20,585
consequence and no shame, then you do it.

1313
00:46:20,585 --> 00:46:21,864
So I just want you guys to understand,

1314
00:46:21,864 --> 00:46:23,385
like, as you're doing this, your parts will

1315
00:46:23,385 --> 00:46:25,385
have different reactions. I have some that are

1316
00:46:25,385 --> 00:46:28,364
like, f you, stay away. I hate therapists.

1317
00:46:29,099 --> 00:46:31,180
And, and those have been the harder parts.

1318
00:46:31,180 --> 00:46:32,960
It's like they don't want help in there.

1319
00:46:33,099 --> 00:46:34,380
And so we've had to I've had to

1320
00:46:34,380 --> 00:46:36,960
be creative. I've had to use, plant medicines

1321
00:46:37,099 --> 00:46:37,760
and different,

1322
00:46:38,220 --> 00:46:39,500
so I I just wanna show and and

1323
00:46:39,500 --> 00:46:41,340
Candace, by the way, listeners, I'm gonna have

1324
00:46:41,340 --> 00:46:43,885
her kinda speak to this, but Candice has

1325
00:46:43,885 --> 00:46:45,744
a killer reputation. She is

1326
00:46:46,045 --> 00:46:46,545
definitely

1327
00:46:46,844 --> 00:46:49,085
probably I'm gonna ask her to she's not

1328
00:46:49,085 --> 00:46:50,684
gonna brag as much as she should, but

1329
00:46:50,684 --> 00:46:53,005
she has a really outstanding reputation. I mean,

1330
00:46:53,005 --> 00:46:55,344
Candice, what you have built in this

1331
00:46:55,710 --> 00:46:58,909
in this very busy crowded space to become

1332
00:46:58,909 --> 00:47:01,869
as known and trusted as you have, it's

1333
00:47:01,869 --> 00:47:03,630
such an accomplishment. So I just wanna I

1334
00:47:03,630 --> 00:47:05,710
wanna I wanna really say that. That's not

1335
00:47:05,710 --> 00:47:07,230
easy to do in this space. It's a

1336
00:47:07,630 --> 00:47:09,650
as you know, the therapy space is

1337
00:47:10,265 --> 00:47:11,785
the wild west. I mean, it is just

1338
00:47:12,025 --> 00:47:14,105
like, I have to usually see 14 therapists

1339
00:47:14,105 --> 00:47:16,825
to find one that's right. And so to

1340
00:47:16,825 --> 00:47:18,045
have such a trusted

1341
00:47:18,825 --> 00:47:19,325
reputation,

1342
00:47:19,785 --> 00:47:22,045
I just wanna say that's a huge accomplishment.

1343
00:47:22,105 --> 00:47:24,230
So on that note, if you're if these

1344
00:47:24,230 --> 00:47:26,389
people are gonna find you come out to

1345
00:47:26,389 --> 00:47:27,130
an intensive,

1346
00:47:27,829 --> 00:47:29,589
where are you located? How does this work?

1347
00:47:29,589 --> 00:47:31,670
What's the website? Talk to us about how

1348
00:47:31,670 --> 00:47:34,469
the different offerings work. Sure. So people can

1349
00:47:34,469 --> 00:47:37,030
look up namasteadvice.com.

1350
00:47:37,030 --> 00:47:39,405
And if you post anything, perhaps you can

1351
00:47:39,405 --> 00:47:41,804
post that. We do we often do five

1352
00:47:41,804 --> 00:47:44,445
days. I had a colleague in Oregon that

1353
00:47:44,445 --> 00:47:46,144
refers a lot to us that said

1354
00:47:46,605 --> 00:47:48,864
five days at namaste is like a year,

1355
00:47:49,164 --> 00:47:50,704
a regular each year. Uh-huh.

1356
00:47:51,619 --> 00:47:53,699
Yeah. And so because we are such an

1357
00:47:53,699 --> 00:47:56,039
accurate approach for people's systems

1358
00:47:56,340 --> 00:47:57,079
and recovery,

1359
00:47:57,780 --> 00:47:59,239
it is pretty mind blowing.

1360
00:47:59,860 --> 00:48:02,099
So, really, it's that's what it looks like.

1361
00:48:02,099 --> 00:48:03,160
We, you know, we

1362
00:48:03,474 --> 00:48:04,614
we use IFS

1363
00:48:05,074 --> 00:48:05,574
primarily.

1364
00:48:05,875 --> 00:48:08,135
We we incorporate breath work.

1365
00:48:08,914 --> 00:48:10,375
We do somatic IFS.

1366
00:48:10,914 --> 00:48:12,135
And then sometimes

1367
00:48:12,434 --> 00:48:14,755
if people want, we'll do a ketamine assisted

1368
00:48:14,755 --> 00:48:15,255
psychotherapy

1369
00:48:15,635 --> 00:48:16,135
intensive.

1370
00:48:16,900 --> 00:48:20,420
And that talk about accelerating people's degree because

1371
00:48:20,420 --> 00:48:20,920
what

1372
00:48:21,339 --> 00:48:21,839
happens

1373
00:48:22,260 --> 00:48:23,719
is people's protectors

1374
00:48:24,099 --> 00:48:26,579
after ketamine. So it's it's literally an hour

1375
00:48:26,579 --> 00:48:28,199
of ketamine and then two hours,

1376
00:48:28,659 --> 00:48:30,659
of integration. But when you're at a five

1377
00:48:30,659 --> 00:48:32,904
day intensive with us, it's for, like, three

1378
00:48:32,984 --> 00:48:34,344
two to three days in the morning of

1379
00:48:34,344 --> 00:48:35,644
ketamine and then you're integrating.

1380
00:48:36,264 --> 00:48:38,904
But the protectors soften back. Yeah. And so

1381
00:48:38,904 --> 00:48:40,744
you like, if you were to come and

1382
00:48:40,744 --> 00:48:43,324
do it, for instance, chances are

1383
00:48:43,784 --> 00:48:44,664
16

1384
00:48:44,664 --> 00:48:46,409
o would soften back

1385
00:48:47,130 --> 00:48:49,130
and then allow us to really do some

1386
00:48:49,130 --> 00:48:50,909
beautiful work with that shy,

1387
00:48:51,210 --> 00:48:53,530
sweet little part. Yeah. I love that. And

1388
00:48:53,530 --> 00:48:54,349
then with couples,

1389
00:48:54,889 --> 00:48:57,690
the intensives we do, amazing, because we map

1390
00:48:57,690 --> 00:49:00,114
the parts, both of their systems parts on

1391
00:49:00,114 --> 00:49:02,775
the board, and that's pretty eye opening.

1392
00:49:03,394 --> 00:49:04,934
And then when we use IFIO,

1393
00:49:05,394 --> 00:49:08,614
which is my favorite model in the entire

1394
00:49:08,755 --> 00:49:09,255
universe,

1395
00:49:10,035 --> 00:49:11,175
it's incredible,

1396
00:49:12,035 --> 00:49:13,815
the change that we see in couples

1397
00:49:14,195 --> 00:49:16,500
like that. I love it. It's a and

1398
00:49:16,500 --> 00:49:18,579
and I think what I would say just

1399
00:49:18,579 --> 00:49:19,880
for everybody listening is,

1400
00:49:22,099 --> 00:49:23,000
this approach

1401
00:49:23,300 --> 00:49:25,539
is for especially for the high achievers listening,

1402
00:49:25,539 --> 00:49:27,640
this this is measured. It's systematic.

1403
00:49:27,940 --> 00:49:30,655
There's there's there's lots of practice put into

1404
00:49:30,655 --> 00:49:32,255
this. So in no way is Candice just

1405
00:49:32,255 --> 00:49:34,034
pulling winging this. Like, this is

1406
00:49:34,335 --> 00:49:36,034
this is a this is as

1407
00:49:36,414 --> 00:49:38,655
scientific as psychology can get, which can which

1408
00:49:38,655 --> 00:49:40,574
is really hard sometimes. So, Candice, this was

1409
00:49:40,574 --> 00:49:42,175
so awesome. I'm gonna put the link in

1410
00:49:42,175 --> 00:49:43,695
the show notes for everybody who wants to

1411
00:49:43,695 --> 00:49:45,889
reach out to you. But, I so appreciate

1412
00:49:45,889 --> 00:49:47,190
this, and I hope we do it again.

1413
00:49:47,329 --> 00:49:49,170
Thanks so much. Thank you so much. Thanks

1414
00:49:49,170 --> 00:49:51,250
for listening to this episode. If you are

1415
00:49:51,250 --> 00:49:52,929
a high achiever of the sex addiction and

1416
00:49:52,929 --> 00:49:54,690
you're looking for a recovery group full of

1417
00:49:54,690 --> 00:49:57,664
like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

1418
00:49:57,664 --> 00:50:00,465
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

1419
00:50:00,465 --> 00:50:03,265
using four day retreats, weekly group calls, and

1420
00:50:03,265 --> 00:50:05,905
daily accountability check ins. If you wanna achieve

1421
00:50:05,905 --> 00:50:08,304
long term sobriety and save your marriage, go

1422
00:50:08,304 --> 00:50:10,005
to our website and fill out our application.

1423
00:50:10,304 --> 00:50:11,765
If you enjoyed this episode,

1424
00:50:12,110 --> 00:50:13,710
please pass it along to a friend in

1425
00:50:13,710 --> 00:50:15,710
recovery who would benefit from listening. It is

1426
00:50:15,710 --> 00:50:17,469
my mission to get this information out to

1427
00:50:17,469 --> 00:50:19,869
as many high achievers as possible, and I

1428
00:50:19,869 --> 00:50:21,329
can't do it without your help.