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Sex addiction is not about sex and I

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really wish they would stop calling it sex

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addiction. And I say this for two reasons.

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever.

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I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The

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Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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more information about joining our group or attending

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our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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One, it's a distraction for the addict. It

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makes them zoom in way too much on

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the sexual behaviors, which are really just the

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end result of all of the faulty brain

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processes. So in a lot of ways, it's

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a distraction. Right? In some ways, it gets

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them sober, but in other ways, it harms

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their long term recovery. The other reason I

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don't like the term is what it does

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to their wives, these betrayed partners. Right? You

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hear the word sex addiction, it does them

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no favors. Right? Because these poor partners, they're

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already struggling. They've been lied to. They've been

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gaslit by their husband. Their world's turned upside

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down. Right? They're feeling unwanted. They're feeling ugly.

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They're feeling discarded.

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Right? It's it's incredibly offensive. And then you

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call it a sex addiction. Right? Which how

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is their nervous system ever supposed to calm

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down with that? Right? They're married to a

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sex addict, a porn addict? I mean, come

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on. Nobody wants to be married to a

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sex or porn addict. Right? How are you

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supposed to live your life constantly worrying about

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what he's looking at? Is he checking out

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her? Does he like women like that? Right?

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It's it's no way to live.

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This is why I think we should start

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using the term, the correct term, the psychological

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term term for sex addiction, which is actually

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called process addiction. And for those of you

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who've read my book or listened to my

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podcast, I talk about this a lot, but

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it's because I truly believe it's why we

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see the relapse rate so high. Right? And

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we see the recovery rate so low. And

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it's because I don't think we're focusing on

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the right pieces that are actually gonna result

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in long term sobriety, long term recovery. So

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when we examine process addiction, I'm gonna and

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in this episode, I'm gonna talk about it

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in two different ways. I wanna first talk

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about it from a recovery standpoint, but I

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also wanna touch on why identifying

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and understanding your process addiction is critical to

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the recovery of your marriage. So first, let's

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start with the addict.

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If we're looking at process addiction and we're

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actually gonna call it a process addiction, the

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reason I like that is there's less of

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an emphasis on the behaviors that actually occurred

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and there's more emphasis on how the heck

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did I let that happen. Right? How did

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I get to the point where I was

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sleeping with prostitutes, where I was having affairs.

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Right? Like what on earth was I thinking?

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Because most of these guys they're madly in

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love with their wife. Right? A lot of

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their affair partners were less attractive

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than their wife, if not all of their

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affair partners were less attractive than their wife.

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And so it's crazy when you think about

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it. Here they are risking everything. Right? Destroying

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their family, their trust with their life partner,

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all to what? Sleep with somebody who's less

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attractive, who you can't even remember their name?

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Right? It sounds nuts, but when we look

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at the processes that birth it, it starts

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to seem less crazy. And that's which is

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important because we need to understand how this

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happened. If you don't understand how this happened,

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how are you going to make sure that

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it doesn't happen again? Right? So for example,

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if we're tracing the processes back, right, if

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we're looking at some of these meaningless

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interactions, we have to figure out what the

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brain is after with these interactions.

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Okay? And it's it's a wide variety. That's

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why I like calling it process addiction rather

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than sex or porn addiction because, again, sex

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or porn addiction oversimplifies it. It makes it

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about sex, it makes it about porn, which

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makes it harder to recover. But when you

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really look at what's driving the behaviors,

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it makes a lot more sense and therefore,

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you're actually able to overcome and change some

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of these faulty thought processes. And you'll be

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surprised, they will go back so far. I

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mean, almost all of the faulty processes

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stem from childhood events that happened in your

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youth and then compounded on themselves all the

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way through adulthood and never truly got resolved.

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And the irony is, we always focus on

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you know, when we hear the word childhood

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trauma, we always focus on these negative events.

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But again, trauma doesn't have to be a

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negative event. Trauma is just something that altered

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your course of your life, altered your thinking.

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So for example, I think one of the

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most common pieces of trauma that we see

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is the over emphasis on the value of

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having sex with with girls.

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You know, all through middle school, through high

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school, through college, there is this massive emphasis

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on getting laid, getting laid as much as

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you can, getting laid by the hottest girl

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that you can get laid by. You know

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what again, I'm not saying this affects every

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single male, but this is certainly a conversation

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amongst a lot of the male circles that

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I hunt around. And then you see it

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again on television,

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on movies,

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right? There's this huge emphasis on what it

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would be like to be able to sleep

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with this woman. Right? It's built up on

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this pedestal.

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And if we think about the trauma that

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that will cause and what that can do

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to somebody's brain processes, it creates two things,

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an overemphasis on the value

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of a sexual interaction.

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But also, if we look at the on

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the on the flip side, it is creating

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a scarcity.

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Right? If we're talking about how hard it

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is to get laid and how hard it

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is to sleep with a super attractive female,

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it makes it makes it scarce. Right? So

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over here, you have this massive massive value.

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And then on the other side, you have

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this it's this scarce occurrence that's gonna be

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hard to get. Right? And you and you

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see this. Right? There'll be men who, you

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know, through college or going out to bars

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with the primary objective of trying to get

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laid. Right? We have people who go on

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vacations to Las Vegas, to Mexico, and again,

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that's that's their objective. Right? Can I get

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laid and how many times can I get

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laid? Now if we're looking at that thought

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process,

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they expect getting married to stop it, And

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that is one of the most naive things

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I've ever heard. Right? If if for multiple

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decades,

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you have been obsessed with trying to get

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laid and

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constantly trying to sleep with more and more

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progressively attractive women, you think that's just gonna

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go away because you got married? You know,

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you might wanna think again.

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Okay? And if we focus on another process,

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right, you you could be,

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you could be fishing for compliments. You could

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be searching for validation. Right? Maybe you wanna

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feel accomplished, successful, more desirable. Maybe you wanna

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feel like the most superior man in the

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room. Right? All of these processes stem from

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feeling inadequate, feeling like you're not good enough,

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feeling like, the only way to live a

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successful life is to get, you know, 1%

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better every day. Right? All of these kind

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of traumatic philosophies that we subscribe to when

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we're young

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lead us down all of these various paths.

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Now one there's one other thing I want

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to say for the guys who are hunting

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for their problematic thought processes.

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The other reason I don't like to call

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it a sex or porn addiction is I

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think when we zoom in too much on

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the actual behavior, we ignore how else these

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guys are engaging their process addiction.

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Right? There the the truth is the sexual

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behaviors oftentimes are like one or or two

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percent

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of their process addiction. If you look at

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these men, a lot of the times they're

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engaging in the exact same process addiction in

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non sexual ways. Right? So if it's a

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guy who's searching for validation,

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superiority, compliments,

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Right? This guy is going to be doing

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this at work. Right? He's gonna be doing

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through making money. Maybe he's gonna do through,

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buying nice nice clothes, buying nice cars,

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you know, landing big contracts, winning awards at

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work. Right? So he's still engaging in his

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process addiction.

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He is not okay unless he is getting

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better and better and getting validated for how

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good he's getting. We can look at another

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process on on the same way. If we're

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gonna look at a guy who has,

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liking liking to escape. Right? So somebody who's

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using sex and pornography as a way to

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cope with negative emotions to escape from life.

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The truth is sex and pornography are only

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gonna be again a small one, two, three,

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four, five percent of their actual process addiction.

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On the other hand, they're scrolling on social

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media wasting time. They're playing, you know, maybe

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games on their phone. They're looking at,

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investment properties to buy, cars on auction. Right?

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So it's, you know, we look at them

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engaging in pornography as the escape. But if

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you really look at the process addiction, there's

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a ton of escapism practices that they're using

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to get dopamine to vacate their life and

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kind of tune out, check out. So my

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point is, again, I think if we zoom

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in way too much, these guys get sexually

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sober. But again, if that's only two percent

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of their process addiction, what about the rest

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of it?

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Right? And and are we really safe just

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leaving it there? In my opinion, no. We're

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not. Because if you leave all those other

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problematic processes there, the unsafe the the the

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constant thirst for compliments,

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for,

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for validation, for attention. Right? To get people

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to look at you and say nice things

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at you. Right? To if you're looking at

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your avoiding,

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life. Right? You're you're trying to numb out

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and check out and escape life and not

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feel your feelings. You know, if we just

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focus on the sexual behaviors, we're leaving all

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this other stuff on the table, which in

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my opinion, just places you at high risk.

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Right? That's the difference between sobriety and recovery.

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Right? Sobriety is finding a way to not

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do the sexual pieces, but recovery is how

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do I not be an escapist

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at all? Right? How do I live my

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life and feel my emotions and express my

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emotions? Right? Or how do I live my

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life where I'm getting validation from me? Right?

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I feel good enough. I'm validating myself rather

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than constantly needing other people to validate me.

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And I believe that's the issue with calling

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this sex and porn addiction is we're kind

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of completely missing the mark and we wonder

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why these guys are relapsing. Well, because the

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truth is the bulk of their addiction hasn't

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changed at all. It's just the sexual pieces

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that we've removed. So the second piece I

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wanted to talk to is the, the the

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importance of identifying your process addiction and being

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able to explain it and articulate

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it to your wife. And I think this

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is absolutely critical for people who are trying

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to heal their marriage. Because again, right, look

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at look at how your wife feels. Right?

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When you do this to your wife, she

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feels it's totally justified. Right? She feels unwanted.

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She feels discarded. She feels disrespected.

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Right? She feels like you don't respect her,

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that you don't respect women. Maybe she feels

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like you never loved her. Right? How could

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you do this to me if you actually

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loved me? She might feel ugly. She might

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feel bad in bed. She might feel like

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you're bored with her. She might feel like

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you, want someone younger, somebody more attractive, somebody

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with different hair color. Right? These poor women,

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here they are, you know, when this happens

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to them. And it's right rightfully so that

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they would draw all these conclusions. Right? Because

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if your marriage was so awesome and your

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sex life was so awesome, why would you

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do this to her? And that's why you

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need to be able to explain your process

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addiction because if to her, it seems very

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sexual and very personal.

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Rightfully so. Right? But if you're able to

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explain to her, hey. You know, as I

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was doing some of the work with my

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recovery work right? My my recovery groups, I've

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been able to really uncover where this stems

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from. Right? You know, I I don't feel

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good enough on my own. I constantly need

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validation.

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I need other people to tell me how

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accomplished I am. I need another people to

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be impressed with me. Right? If I don't

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have that, I don't feel okay. Right? And

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so and the reason you need to articulate

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that to her is she's gonna see it

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in all areas of your life, not just

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sexually. Right? She's gonna say, you know what?

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I see you do that when we're at

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work events and conferences and networking events. Right?

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I see that when we are hosting parties

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at the house. Right? You'd completely flip a

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switch and turn into a total people pleaser.

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Right?

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And then same thing for, you know, if

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we're gonna go back to kind of the

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escapism. Right? You can say, hey, you know,

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I I started to realize that, you know,

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when I'm, you know, stressed, uncomfortable,

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feel like I'm under a lot of pressure,

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I I tend to not feel understood. I

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feel isolated, and that's when I wanna just

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kinda check out of my life. And then

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again, you're rattling off all of the objectives.

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Right? I'm I'm trying to distract myself. Right?

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I don't want to I don't wanna think

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about anything. I don't wanna talk about anything.

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I don't wanna feel my feelings. I don't

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wanna express my feelings. Right? And then you

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can describe all the things you do. Hey.

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I'll I'll read a book. I'll go golf.

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I'll go you know, and you start explaining

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to her all the things that you do

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so that you don't have to deal with

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the stress, the emotions, whatever it is. And

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so, again, there's there's tons you know, I

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primarily talked about, like, two avenues of process

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addiction, but the truth is your process addiction

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can be anything and everything. I mean, there

339
00:11:52,250 --> 00:11:54,554
there there's such a wide variety of mental

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processes that men have become addicted to. Some

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of those,

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result in sexual behaviors, some don't. Right? Some

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will result in, substance addiction, some will result

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in a gambling addiction, some will result in

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an eating disorder. You know, we never know

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where these faulty processes are gonna take us,

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but some do result in some sexual acting

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out. Right? And so if guys are really

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gonna recover from this, to me, they need

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to look at the entirety

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of their process addiction. I really believe that.

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I think if you don't turn over every

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stone,

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I think you're gonna be leaving things on

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the table and I think, you know, you

356
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are at a high risk of relapse. And

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if we're talking about, you know, healing the

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marriage and your wife, you know, a lot

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of guys, you know, they're in recovery for

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a year or two, three and they haven't

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acted out. They have not relapsed. But their

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wife still doesn't trust them. And these guys

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are like, what the heck? What's going on?

364
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Like, what more can I do? I'm going

365
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to, you know, one to two twelve step

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meetings every week. I've got a fair I've

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got multiple therapists. Right? A couple's therapist. I

368
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got my personal therapist.

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Right? I'm going to one or two intensives

370
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:53,985
every year. Right? This is what I did.

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I did everything and anything I could, and

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it still wasn't good enough for my wife.

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And that was when I discovered process addiction.

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And the second I started really under you

375
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know, uncovering what my brain is after

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every single day, that was when my wife's

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finally started to feel like I had a

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grip on this thing.

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Right? Because she wasn't wrong. In the beginning,

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I wasn't recovered. I was just sober. Right?

381
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I was avoiding the sexual pieces. But it

382
00:13:18,235 --> 00:13:19,915
was when I really started digging in and

383
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understanding, you know what? Most of this is

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not sexual. Most of this is a process

385
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addiction that presents in so many other ways,

386
00:13:27,355 --> 00:13:29,774
not sexually. And that was what scared her.

387
00:13:29,835 --> 00:13:31,710
Right? Her nervous system and and these ladies,

388
00:13:31,870 --> 00:13:33,389
you you guys have probably seen it. These

389
00:13:33,389 --> 00:13:35,950
ladies, their nervous system, they're not dumb. They

390
00:13:35,950 --> 00:13:37,550
they they can pick up on this stuff.

391
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And so while you might be sexually sober,

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they might not feel like you're recovered. And

393
00:13:41,550 --> 00:13:42,050
oftentimes,

394
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they're probably right. So rather than defending yourself,

395
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you know, really ask, have I discovered my

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00:13:47,804 --> 00:13:49,485
process addiction? Do I know all of the

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faulty brain processes? Have I discovered all of

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00:13:51,565 --> 00:13:53,804
them? And do I know the psychologically proven

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00:13:53,804 --> 00:13:55,644
treatments that are gonna be able to get

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00:13:55,644 --> 00:13:58,529
these faulty processes out of my life? And

401
00:13:58,529 --> 00:13:59,269
most importantly,

402
00:13:59,730 --> 00:14:01,730
are you doing the things that are actually

403
00:14:01,730 --> 00:14:03,649
gonna remove them? Are you really truly doing

404
00:14:03,649 --> 00:14:05,490
the work? And if you can say yes

405
00:14:05,490 --> 00:14:07,089
to all those things, okay. But the truth

406
00:14:07,089 --> 00:14:08,450
is if you can say yes to everything

407
00:14:08,450 --> 00:14:10,450
that I just said, your wife probably isn't

408
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,769
doubting your recovery. She probably thinks you're in

409
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:15,174
great recovery. So again, for all you guys,

410
00:14:15,174 --> 00:14:16,774
if you've gotten the question from your wife,

411
00:14:16,774 --> 00:14:18,535
hey, are you even in good recovery? I

412
00:14:18,535 --> 00:14:20,375
still don't feel safe with you. Before you

413
00:14:20,375 --> 00:14:22,695
go defending yourself, stop and think for a

414
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,455
second. Is there some truth to what she's

415
00:14:24,455 --> 00:14:27,174
saying? Have I truly eliminated all these faulty

416
00:14:27,174 --> 00:14:28,794
thought processes from my life?

417
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,079
Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

418
00:14:32,079 --> 00:14:33,839
are a high achiever of the sex addiction

419
00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:35,600
and you're looking for a recovery group full

420
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,720
of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

421
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,519
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

422
00:14:41,519 --> 00:14:42,820
using four day retreats,

423
00:14:43,205 --> 00:14:45,945
weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

424
00:14:46,004 --> 00:14:48,164
If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

425
00:14:48,164 --> 00:14:50,085
save your marriage, go to our website and

426
00:14:50,085 --> 00:14:52,325
fill out our application. If you enjoyed this

427
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,565
episode, please pass it along to a friend

428
00:14:54,565 --> 00:14:56,565
in recovery who would benefit from listening. It

429
00:14:56,565 --> 00:14:58,404
is my mission to get this information out

430
00:14:58,404 --> 00:15:00,844
to as many high achievers as possible, and

431
00:15:00,844 --> 00:15:02,384
I can't do it without your help.