53. Is There Such Thing As Being “Recover-ed”

Most guys want this to end at some point. The time spent in groups, therapy, couples therapy, couples groups… It’s a lot. And, I see why guys feel like their life is being consumed by recovery work.

The good news is that you will be able to tone down the number of hours spent each week. However, you will likely always have a few hours each week dedicated to continued growth and maintenance.

The guys I know who stayed in good recovery… stayed in good recovery. Meaning that they still see their therapist once a month, and they still attend their recovery groups once a week.

Why? Because it’s not worth the risk of divorce.

No guy means to relapse. It just happens.

But, every guy who relapsed will tell you the same thing… “I stopped going to my groups and stopped seeing my therapist… and eventually I made a bad decision in a weak moment.”

And, just like that… they find themselves splitting their assets and seeing their kids 50% of the time.

Recovery is a lifestyle, and this podcast episode will explain how you can practice it.

If you are ready for a recovery group that focuses on self-mastery rather than sobriety, head to our website: successfuladdict.com

We provide high-achievers, business professionals, and entrepreneurs with a recovery mastermind full of like-minded men. Together, you can accelerate your recovery by having the other men see what you cannot see on your own.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

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So this is news that none of the

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guys wanted to hear but it needs to

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be said.

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And that’s the idea that there is no

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such thing as being recovered

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with an e d ending, having it be

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something of the

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past. You are listening to the sex addiction

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podcast for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and

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entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever.

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I’m your host, Roland Cochran, founder of the

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Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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more information about joining our group or attending

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our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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And, you know, know, for most of you,

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this this isn’t a surprise because you’ve seen,

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you know, you’ve been in the groups, you’ve

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seen that, you know, sobriety is a tough

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thing in the when it comes to sex

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and porn addiction. Right? It’s,

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it’s not easy and and it’s not uncommon

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for guys to relapse,

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five years in, ten years in. Right? And

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the consequences of relapse when it comes to

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this addiction are typically pretty big. Right? Asking

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your wife for a second chance is is

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a big ask. Asking for a third chance,

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you know, a lot of guys don’t get

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that third chance. Right? So, you know,

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there there is no recovered. Right? You know,

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this is a process addiction. Right? So there’s

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brain processes that you might not even be

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aware of yet that you might discover five

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years from now. You know? I’ll speak for

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myself as somebody in recovery.

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You know, it’s not uncommon for me every

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six months to still

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discover a thought process that I am, you

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know, compulsive around or addicted to or something

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that has the potential to be unhealthy.

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Right? And so that’s why I say there

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is no such thing as,

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recovered.

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And you’re and you’re gonna hear this. Right?

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Most of the CSATs, the the, people who’ve

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been personally affected by being compulsive or addicted,

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you know, the CSATs will tell you too.

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Right? I am in recovery

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myself. They go to their own meetings. Right?

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A lot of therapists have meetings exclusive to

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CSET therapists. Right? So,

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the point is, you know, having this be

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a thing of the past to the point

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where you take your foot completely off the

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gas pedal,

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I’d be careful with that. Especially if you

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love your wife and love your family,

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you know, I I would be very, very

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careful taking your foot off the gas. So

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I wanted to just kind of introduce this

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this concept, right, of of recovery being a

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lifestyle. You know, many of you have heard

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before, I don’t like the word recovery,

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because, again, it comes with this, like, addiction

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connotation to it, right, where, it’s something that

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we’re gonna go do. It’s short term. It’s

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like this this nuisance or inconvenience.

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And we do the work, and then we

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become recovered, right, is is kind of the

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the understanding.

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And, you know, in substance addiction, you know,

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that that kinda actually makes sense. Right? In

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substance addiction, because it’s very different than process

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addiction, you can go to rehab and and

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and detox and

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become recovered, right, or or or close to

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it. Right? Well, with process addiction, it’s not

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quite like that. Right? These processes, some of

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them are really sticky.

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Some of them, you know, might take two,

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three, four, five years

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to even get out of your life. Now

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it doesn’t mean that you’re gonna be relapsing

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every week. It just means, you know, you’re

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gonna be battling some of these compulsive temptations,

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you know, throughout throughout the day.

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So I I I would like to introduce

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the concept of calling this self mastery rather

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than recovery.

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Self mastery meaning the concept of of of

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mastering oneself.

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Right? And that includes all aspects of oneself,

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The your your identity, your belief system, right,

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the things that you become attached to,

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your emotions, you know, and then and your

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needs. Right? A plethora of other things. Right?

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What it’s like to be alive and be

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a healthy individual

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operating,

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you know, you know, in a in a

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healthy fashion, fulfilling your full potential. Right? Self

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mastery versus recovery. Now are the two words

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interchangeable? Probably, honestly. When you look at the

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the when you transition out of sobriety and

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into recovery,

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you know, recovery is basically self mastery. Right?

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It’s it’s getting over the things that got

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you to these behaviors in the first place.

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Right? Your distrust of others, your,

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overreliance

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on oneself,

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this perception of, you know, the lone wolf,

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and, it’s better if I take care of

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my problems myself, the the shame around asking

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for help,

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or the,

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you know, or showing and expressing your emotions

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and the vulnerability attached to that, or or

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feeling your emotions and and feeling them as

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an inconvenience,

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which a lot of high achieving men,

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perceive emotions as is something that slows them

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down or distracts them. Right? You know, that,

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sorting all of that out, that’s recovery. And

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and it’s and it’s the same thing as

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self mastery. Right? You know, I call self

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mastery

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the the road to intentional

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living. Right? How do I create the reality

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that I want?

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The reality that elicits the emotions that I

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wanna feel. Right? If I wanna feel respected,

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admired, accomplished,

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successful, if I wanna feel like a, like

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I’m gonna be remembered when I die. Right?

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All of these emotions. If I wanna feel

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these awesome emotions, I need to create a

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reality that are going to give me, that

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are gonna it’s gonna yield those feelings. Right?

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That’s really what we’re talking about self mastery.

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So, you know,

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instead of looking at recovery as a phase

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or a thing that you’re doing so that

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you can save the marriage,

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achieve long term sobriety, whatever,

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kind of kind of flip that. You know,

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I I would say recovery is a lifestyle.

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That’s why I like to call it self

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mastery is it really never ends. Right? The

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the process of mastering oneself

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and seeking truth is a process that you’ll

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do for the rest of your life, and

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it should be fun. I mean, you’ve heard

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me say that before. If it’s not fun,

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you’re you’re doing it wrong. If it’s not

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fun, you’re you’re gonna relapse. I mean, that

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that’s just the truth. I mean, you’re gonna

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it’s gonna get old. You’re gonna take your

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foot off the gas, and you’re gonna relapse.

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So it’s important to develop a self mastery

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process that’s fun. You know, it’s not uncommon

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for guys to two x, three x, four

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x their income after joining my recovery groups,

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even though, you know, these aren’t business groups.

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We’re not talking about,

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making money.

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But the truth is, you know, in business,

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it’s an interaction between humans.

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Right? When somebody hires you, signs you on

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for a contract, buys something from you, switches

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from another company over to your company, whatever,

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it’s a human choosing you, another human. And

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so what happens oftentimes is as these guys

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are,

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diving into

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their self mastery and really sorting out their

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brain processes. Right? How many of these are

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serving me, and how many of these did

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you know, got implanted into my brain through

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childhood, through

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movies, television, you know, outside influence? Right? How

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many of the things that I believe

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was I programmed to believe versus how many

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of my beliefs are actually my own? Right?

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Do I wanna believe these things? And it’s

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that self mastery process of really teasing out,

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how do I know what I know, and

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do I actually like what I know? Do

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I even believe what I know? Have I

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stopped long enough to challenge my own belief

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system? And I think that’s the beauty of,

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self mastery and recovery

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is it’s that process. Right? Am I truly

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living my best self? Am I believing beliefs

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that I wanna believe? Do the beliefs that

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I have, did I put them there, and

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do I want them there? Were they implanted

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in me? Was I brainwashed by my parents,

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organized religion,

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mentors?

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I get advertising,

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social media influencers. Right? Have I have I

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been convinced that this is the right way

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I wanna live my life, that these things

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are important to me? Are they actually important

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to the real me? Right? And that’s the

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mastery of self is this is teasing this

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out. Now this is really, really hard to

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do on your own. That’s why you’re gonna

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see so many,

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just kind of self mastery,

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mastermind groups or these kind of these, like,

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retreats that people go on

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and, surround themselves with other people on the

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same self mastery journey. Now why is this

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important? Well, it’s really hard to test your

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own belief system because so many of our

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beliefs we consider true.

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Right? We consider it the truth because if

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it’s something you believed since you were 10

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years old, you’ve never tested it. So it

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it feels like a fact of life.

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Right? I need attention from women. I don’t

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I don’t you know, it’s it’s a it’s

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valuable

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to me when women,

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are attracted to me,

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and I can see them staring at me.

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Right? That would be a belief that I

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adopted when I was, like, 12 or 13

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years old. But when I really think about

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it, like, do I really want what what

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if these women at the gym are married?

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What if they have boyfriends? What if they

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have families and kids? Right? So I’m asking

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for them to violate their own morals and

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values of honoring their marriage and keeping their

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eyes to themselves and not objectifying me, right,

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out of respect for her husband and her

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family. Right? So, again, see, that’s what I’m

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saying is, like,

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I could think, oh, of course, I want

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her attention. Who doesn’t like to, be admired

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and wanted and feel attractive? Right? You know,

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that that’s one set of beliefs. But, again,

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now

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we test the beliefs with, well, do you

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really want married women, women in in relationships

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to be doing that? Would you want your

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wife to be doing that? Right? Because, again,

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if if those women are in relationships, you

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know, what about your wife? Do you want

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her at the gym,

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objectifying all these other men and checking them

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out, right, you know, flirting with their eyes

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or even worse or physical physically flirting? Right?

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You know, it’s easy to say on one

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side that flirting is relatively harmless. But again,

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do you want your wife doing all of

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that? Do you want your daughter doing some

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of that stuff? Right? So,

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you know, that’s what I mean by self

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mastery. It’s this it’s this testing of your

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belief system. Is this sustainable?

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Right? Because just because it feels fun for

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you and it’s convenient for you doesn’t mean

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that it’s not harming the world, doesn’t mean

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that it’s an unsustainable practice that actually makes

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this place worse.

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Right? That, you know, it violates morals and

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values that actually make make the world a

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worse place to live and a less safe

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place for for women to be in. Right?

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So, again, think about recovery as a lifestyle.

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Right? Hunt your beliefs constantly. Are these the

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best beliefs to have? And, again, don’t don’t

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keep self mastery confined to sexual sobriety.

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Right? To me, that’s a mistake, and I

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think most men make that mistake. And I

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think that’s why most men who relapse relapses,

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they’re so zoomed in on the sexual behaviors.

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It’s like, no. Let’s zoom out and look

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at the belief system that created

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the environment that allowed these sexual behaviors to

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occur because it’s that environment

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that causes all sorts of problems. Right? It’s

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that environment that why we,

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cheat on our diet, and,

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it’s that environment that makes us lazy or

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procrastinate.

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It’s the, you know, it’s there’s a lot

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more than just sexual behaviors happening

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in a world full of that belief system.

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It’s your job to understand

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how did I start believing these things and

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are these the best things for me.

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Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

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are a high achiever with a sex addiction

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and you’re looking for a recovery group full

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of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

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We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

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using four day retreats, weekly group calls, and

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daily accountability check ins. If you wanna achieve

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long term sobriety and save your marriage, go

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to our website and fill out our application.

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If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

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00:10:44,450 –> 00:10:46,050
along to a friend in recovery who would

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benefit from listening. It is my mission to

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get this information out to as many high

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achievers as possible, and I can’t do it

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without your help.

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