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It sucks to be a sex addict. But

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first, let's focus on your wife and your

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family.

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Your wife has been betrayed in the way

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that she never expected to be betrayed. Right?

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She's sleeping next to a liar. Somebody who

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literally told her one thing and actually went

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out and did

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did another. You are listening to the sex

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addiction podcast for high achievers, business professionals, executives,

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and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset

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of the high achiever.

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I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder of the

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Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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more information about joining our group or attending

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our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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A lot of times put her into

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a a area of risk. Right? Sex is

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not without consequences. Right? There is diseases. You

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can impregnate somebody. Right? So so to do

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this to your wife, you have to understand

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like not only did you betray her by

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not, you know, cherishing her and and and

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holding her her body and and sex sacred,

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but, you know, you really did. You introduced,

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you know, some some very significant consequences to

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her and the family. How do you think

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that's gonna make her feel? On top of

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that, she feels she feels ugly. She feels

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like she's not able to satisfy you sexually.

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She's constantly now comparing herself to other women

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or your affair partners. I mean, literally, you

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you we've created hell

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for these women. Right? And then then look

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at the kids. Right? The kids, you know,

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whether they've been directly told or not, the

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kids are gonna pick up on this. You

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cannot tell me that you can betray your

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wife in such a horrific way and that

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your kids are not gonna pick up on

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it. They are absolutely gonna feel it whether

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they know or not. And eventually, they're gonna

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ask and they are gonna find out. Right?

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And so what's the effect does this have

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on them in their life, right, their future

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relationships?

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Right? How how they view their parents. Right?

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Do they now feel like they're in less

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safe of an environment given that the fact

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that their dad's lying to their mom. So

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anyways, my point of just kind of, you

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know, really just speaking to all that is,

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obviously, you know, our wife and our family

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unit is is where people are gonna find

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most of the the solace. Right? And and

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and we can't find it there, right, given

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what we have done to them. Right? They're

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just they're just not in the mood to

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be compassionate and empathetic a lot of the

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times. Right? Now if you are getting empathy

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from your your wife, you're lucky because it

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is it is very difficult for them to

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find

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that compassion

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given the the size of the ugliness. Right?

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Considering what you did was so transactional.

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Right? So short lived. Right? This this this

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little stupid thing.

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And then look at the look at the

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the magnitude

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of the side effects.

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Right? The pain, the the the, a lot

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of times, irreversible

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trauma that we have caused the betrayed partners

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in the family unit. Right? So so again,

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you know, the the to them, you know,

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it's it's very hard to see past that.

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Right? You know, you you probably heard your

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your wife say, I hope it was worth

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it. Right? I hope that I hope that

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massage parlor visits were worth it. I hope

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that sex worker was worth it. I hope

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that little meaningless affair was worth it because

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look at what you just did. You just

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ruined something beautiful. Right? You you just you

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just you just stomped on this family and

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threw them in the garbage. So I like

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to start with that because that really is

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what we did and that is how it's

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perceived. And there's nothing crazy about any of

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that. We we we have to understand that

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that is a very fair way to feel

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given the ugliness of what we've done. Right?

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So but but on top of all that,

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here here you are. Right? The the compulsively

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addicted and or addicted male. Right? You've you've

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cheated multiple times. You're a liar. Right? You've

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been unfaithful. You know, maybe you gaslit her

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when she had the opportunity for you to

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come clean. So,

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you know, here you are. You're you're in

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this situation,

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and, it it sucks. I mean, you you

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feel embarrassed. You feel humiliated.

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This is one of those problems you can't

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tell people. Right? You can't go you can't

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go to work and tell your boss, your

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coworkers.

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You know, sometimes there's, you know, other other,

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like, family friends where just for whatever the

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situation is, telling them is is not possible.

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Right? So now here you are struggling with

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this thing in isolation. Right? You know, know,

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nobody else really being able to know. And

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here's the truth is, if you did go

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tell them, would they be compassionate?

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I mean, here here's the truth. Like,

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facts are in my groups, you know, I

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have countless stories of men disclosing this to

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friends, family friends,

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extended family,

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and frankly, it just doesn't go well a

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good amount of the time. I mean, it

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just doesn't. You know, I'm gonna speak for

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me personally. Right? Telling my family actually was

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not bad. It went pretty well. Telling my

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friends was not bad for me. But here's

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the thing. When I decided to announce this

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publicly, you know, my when my wife and

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I decided to, you know, really,

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tell the public that, hey. This is a

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thing that happens to a good portion of

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the population. You know, one in five, one

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in four,

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men are doing this to their wives. Right?

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So, you know, really calling attention to it.

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Well, when we went public with it, there

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were consequences. Absolutely.

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I have I felt it in my, in

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my career. No doubt. There are there are

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opportunities and things that I am no longer

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getting. There are people who,

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who now judge me and categorize me because

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of my past actions. Right? Because I am

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a sex addict in recovery. Right? They have

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some sort of idea

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around what that is. Right? They, you know,

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they think I'm some sort of pervert. You

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know? I'm I'm I'm unsafe to have their

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kids around.

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I've even had clients I I I consult

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for,

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different companies and and leadership organizations. I've had

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clients who saw our social media post and

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were angered.

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Right? They're they even told me. They say,

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hey. My first reaction was to discredit you

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completely and everything that you know. Right? All

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all of the helpful and useful information, you

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know, the fact that I you know, their

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their company is is three times more profitable

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because of my advice. But now that they

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found out that I'm a sex addict, all

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of a sudden, they they wanna fire me.

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They don't wanna take any of my advice

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any Right? How interesting is that. Right? I

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can't struggle with something compulsively,

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right, without having these massive,

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consequences, right, completely discrediting my intellect, discrediting

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my abilities, discrediting my character as a human

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being. Right? So I'm recording this episode just

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to really show, like,

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again, we we gotta appreciate the other party's

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stories. Right? So, you know, we have to

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appreciate

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the narrative that's living in your wife's head,

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Right? And how horrific this is and just

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haunting her throughout the day. Right? The narrative

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of your kids. Right? And how your, you

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know, selfish behaviors, right, had such a massive

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impact on the family. How do you think

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that makes them feel? Do you think that

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makes them feel important? So right. So we

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have to honor that. And then and then

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let's look at public. Right? The public, you

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know, cheaters have been constantly seen as these

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these awful human beings who care about nothing

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but themselves. Right? And so when you are

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unfaithful, you know, that is kind of the

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narrative that the public that the public, has,

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that you cannot be trusted, That only an

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awful person would,

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you know, couldn't control his sexual urges, you

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know, and and would risk destroying his family.

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Right? So this is how the public sees,

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men who have engaged in in,

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infidelity and lying around their their sexual lives.

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Right?

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And and, you know, for me, when I

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disclosed this, I was very honest

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to the public. I I told them, hey.

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This this was not once. It was way

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more it was multiple times. You know, this

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was not you know, I was not unfaithful

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and lying. You know, this was not an

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isolated incident. This happened over and over and

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over and over again over the course of

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our relationship.

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And again, so how do you think the

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public took that? Really not well. Right? Like,

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hey. He didn't make one mistake.

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He makes mistake he made multiple mistakes over

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and over and over and over again. He

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must be an awful individual. So I'm sharing

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all this just to say, like, it just

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sucks. It it freaking sucks. You know,

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you can have an eating disorder. You can

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have, addiction to alcohol, heroin, cocaine. You can

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have you can have almost any other problem

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but this problem.

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Right? You could post on social media all

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of your other problems, and you would greet

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be greeted with encouragement.

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Right? Hey. We're so sorry you're dealing with

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that. Right?

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Now I'm not saying it's any easier on

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the family. Substance addiction,

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can can wreak havoc on families. So I'm

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not saying that it's it's it's it's not

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damaging, but,

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but you you can disclose those addictions, and

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you'll be greeted with compassion. People will rally

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around you and support you.

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Not with this though. You you sex addiction,

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I mean, it is you you will be

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shunned. You you will be judged. No question

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about it. It's people will judge you. I'm

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just gonna warn you. You know? I think

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it'll be less than you think. I think

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the people who really matter in your life,

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will will show up before you, at least

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that's been my experience. You know, my real

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friends, they've they've been there. But, but the

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general population, the general public, no. It's it's

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it's probably not gonna happen.

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They they are probably gonna take a very

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judgmental stance. And, depending on, you know, where

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you live and what you do, there could

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be massive career consequences.

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You know, for me personally, it's it's cost

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me, multiple 7 figures,

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to to disclose this. It has closed a

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lot of doors

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for me from a career standpoint. Right? You

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know, publicly

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saying that you've struggled with infidelity.

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You know, who wants you to run their

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company? Who wants you to lead their employees?

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Who wants you to who wants you to

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to to, mentor and influence their their kids,

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their youth. Right? They don't. Right? It it

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completely discredits you as a human being and

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and it puts a stamp right on your

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face saying what kind of person you are,

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and it and that just sucks.

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It sucks because, you know,

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very rarely do people get stamped like that

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when they are struggling with other areas of

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compulsive compulsivity. So, you know, I I wanna

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share this last little bit to the men

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listening to this just to to tell you

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I understand.

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I I I've been in your shoes. I

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am in your shoes.

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You know, my wife, you know, there's times

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where she looks at me in a way

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that she never used to look at me,

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and that sucks.

283
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That's not fun. Right? She worries about things

284
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that she never used to worry about. Right?

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And that sucks. That's not fun.

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You know, I I you know, for the

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people who now know, right, you know, I

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I really enjoy leading teams. I enjoy developing,

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company culture, and and and, I am now

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no longer somebody who is credible in their

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eyes to do that, and that sucks. Right?

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Here's a here's a whole portion of something

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that I'm actually really, really good at. I've

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been I've been divinely designed with skills to

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to do a lot of this stuff really,

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really well. But now through, you know, our

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culture's eyes, I'm no longer a credible person

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to be able to do that for them,

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and that's and that hurts.

300
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Right? So now, you know, so many things

301
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that I could have done with my life

302
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and my career, but because of this compulsivity

303
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that I've had really since I was 10,

304
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I am now,

305
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unable to do all these things, and that

306
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hurts. That's not fun. Right? So, again, that

307
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that that makes me that makes you, you

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feel you feel,

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disposable. You feel discarded.

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Right? And then what's that do for your

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compulsivity? Does that does that kinda drive you

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back into your compulsive behaviors? Right? Is that

313
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how how how harmful is that in recovery?

314
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Right? So, again, I'm I'm sharing all this

315
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to just really empathize. Like, it just sucks.

316
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Here you are trying to change your brain,

317
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trying to,

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redeem yourself and undo a lot of these

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things.

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And on top of that, you're getting kicked

321
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while you're down. You're getting called names. You're

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getting looked at in ways. People are making

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assumptions about who you are as a person.

324
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Right? You know, they they look at your

325
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behaviors as a definition of a a expression

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of your character,

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who you are as a human. Right? They

328
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they completely don't

329
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even assume the fact that, you know, like

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me, I had a experience as a four

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year old, the sexual experience that I should

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have never had.

333
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You know? You know, there there's so much

334
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there's there's sex abuse. There's, molestations.

335
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There are religious organizations that say things to

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kids they should not say about their sexuality.

337
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Right? What you know, they we completely ignore

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what happened to this person. And then not

339
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to mention the fact that, you know, when

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guys are in in middle school, high school,

341
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college, there there's insane amounts of objectification

342
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conversation where men are essentially collecting women sexually

343
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as trophies. Right? And the impact that that

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has on the brain. The media, TV advertising,

345
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this hypersexual culture. Right? We don't consider any

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of that

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driving the choice to to to have an

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increased, sexual desire that would lead to to

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to some infidelity.

350
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Right? We we don't ever consider what's going

351
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on to make these men make these decisions.

352
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Right? Instead, we judge their character. We call

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them a name and this person now becomes,

354
00:12:00,465 --> 00:12:01,365
you know, blacklisted

355
00:12:01,665 --> 00:12:03,845
for, being an a trustworthy individual.

356
00:12:04,304 --> 00:12:05,745
Right? Even though, you know, it's kind of

357
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interesting to me because if we look at

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any other compulsion and and addiction, it's very

359
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rare that they're being upfront and honest about

360
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their behavior. They're lying and concealing it from

361
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their family and from the public as well.

362
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But, again, because we have chosen something in

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00:12:18,399 --> 00:12:19,139
the sexual

364
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genre,

365
00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:22,639
you know, the way our society sees it,

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it's it comes with an extra layer to

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it, and a layer that I think certainly

368
00:12:26,725 --> 00:12:28,884
makes recovery a whole lot, a whole lot

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harder. And, you know, for guys who already

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00:12:31,365 --> 00:12:33,845
have trust issues, who already love avoidant, who

371
00:12:33,845 --> 00:12:36,264
already, you know, prefer to isolate and,

372
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you know, conceal themselves and keep everybody at

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arm's length. You know, it it's really challenging

374
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:43,019
when we're trying to trust or we're trying

375
00:12:43,019 --> 00:12:44,779
to be open, vulnerable, we're trying to let

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00:12:44,779 --> 00:12:47,019
people into our lives when, you know, we

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00:12:47,019 --> 00:12:49,339
we finally are upfront and honest about what

378
00:12:49,339 --> 00:12:51,284
we have done, and then we're treated that

379
00:12:51,284 --> 00:12:52,964
way and looked at that way and stamped

380
00:12:52,964 --> 00:12:55,044
with that label. You know, for some people,

381
00:12:55,044 --> 00:12:56,565
they lose their jobs. They lose their they

382
00:12:56,565 --> 00:12:58,725
lose their careers because of of what they

383
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have done. And, it just sucks, you know.

384
00:13:01,204 --> 00:13:02,964
It definitely makes you see feel like a

385
00:13:02,964 --> 00:13:05,879
second class citizen when you are, unable to

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00:13:05,879 --> 00:13:08,759
be trusted by people and, you're you're labeled

387
00:13:08,759 --> 00:13:10,759
with something that kinda makes you damaged goods.

388
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It's just it's a really shitty feeling. And

389
00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:14,539
this is why peer support

390
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:15,980
is so critical

391
00:13:16,279 --> 00:13:19,019
in addiction recovery, more so in sex addiction

392
00:13:19,125 --> 00:13:22,164
than any other area of addiction because of

393
00:13:22,164 --> 00:13:24,884
the social stigma. I mean, it it and

394
00:13:24,884 --> 00:13:26,105
I think men underestimate

395
00:13:26,725 --> 00:13:28,245
the effect that this is having on your

396
00:13:28,245 --> 00:13:30,884
psyche. I mean, to be literally, to be

397
00:13:30,884 --> 00:13:32,485
treated like a second class citizen because it's

398
00:13:32,485 --> 00:13:33,684
a real thing. I mean, it happens. It

399
00:13:33,684 --> 00:13:35,339
happens in your own home from your wife,

400
00:13:35,339 --> 00:13:37,339
maybe even your kids. Right? And it happen

401
00:13:37,419 --> 00:13:39,579
it can happen out on on the street

402
00:13:39,579 --> 00:13:40,940
in terms of how you know people will

403
00:13:40,940 --> 00:13:42,860
look at you. So you've got to find

404
00:13:42,860 --> 00:13:45,500
a group of men who you consider like

405
00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:48,945
normal dudes, like cool, good members of society,

406
00:13:48,945 --> 00:13:50,245
like totally normal

407
00:13:50,945 --> 00:13:53,745
people just like everybody else who's struggling with

408
00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:56,065
this problem. Right? Peer support, that that and

409
00:13:56,065 --> 00:13:57,664
that's what it does. It helps you not

410
00:13:57,664 --> 00:13:59,504
feel like a freak. It helps you understand

411
00:13:59,504 --> 00:14:01,424
that, hey. You know? This shit happened to

412
00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:03,670
us. Right? And, you know, yes, we've done

413
00:14:03,670 --> 00:14:05,429
horrible things. But in many ways, these, you

414
00:14:05,429 --> 00:14:06,889
know, these guys are really victims

415
00:14:07,350 --> 00:14:07,850
of,

416
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:11,509
social shaping of, you know, early abuse of

417
00:14:11,509 --> 00:14:13,990
of, you know, maybe religious abuse or or

418
00:14:13,990 --> 00:14:14,470
or,

419
00:14:14,870 --> 00:14:17,335
poor parenting strategies. Right? So it happened to

420
00:14:17,335 --> 00:14:19,835
this way. Now you have engaged in compulsive

421
00:14:19,894 --> 00:14:22,294
sexual behavior. Right? So you're just a normal

422
00:14:22,294 --> 00:14:24,535
person caught up in the same nonsense that

423
00:14:24,535 --> 00:14:26,294
everybody else gets caught up in. The challenge

424
00:14:26,294 --> 00:14:27,355
is you've chosen

425
00:14:27,735 --> 00:14:28,955
sexual compulsivity.

426
00:14:29,414 --> 00:14:31,360
Right? And unfortunately, because of the society we

427
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:33,600
live in, there's there's there's consequences to that.

428
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,759
So it's critical that you find a group

429
00:14:35,759 --> 00:14:36,420
of men

430
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,879
who you really connect with, who you relate

431
00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:41,120
with, who who make you feel normal and

432
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:42,879
support you. Otherwise, you know, I don't know

433
00:14:42,879 --> 00:14:44,240
if you're gonna be able to achieve a

434
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,375
recovery. Seriously. I mean, you you need to

435
00:14:46,375 --> 00:14:48,535
feel cared for. You need to feel normal.

436
00:14:48,535 --> 00:14:50,134
You need to feel like there's a way

437
00:14:50,134 --> 00:14:52,134
out of this and that you're no different

438
00:14:52,134 --> 00:14:54,455
than anybody else. You just happen to engage

439
00:14:54,455 --> 00:14:57,815
in behaviors that society shames, particularly, more than

440
00:14:57,815 --> 00:14:59,679
others. So if you have not found a

441
00:14:59,679 --> 00:15:02,240
deeply connected tribe of men to do recovery

442
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,080
with, you need to. I I truly don't

443
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:06,160
think you can recover without it. Thanks for

444
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,240
listening to this episode. If you are a

445
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,080
high achiever with the sex addiction and you're

446
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:11,840
looking for a recovery group full of like

447
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,565
minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

448
00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:17,365
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

449
00:15:17,365 --> 00:15:20,165
using four day retreats, weekly group calls, and

450
00:15:20,165 --> 00:15:22,804
daily accountability check ins. If you wanna achieve

451
00:15:22,804 --> 00:15:25,210
long term sobriety and save your marriage, go

452
00:15:25,210 --> 00:15:26,909
to our website and fill out our application.

453
00:15:27,129 --> 00:15:29,610
If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

454
00:15:29,610 --> 00:15:31,289
along to a friend in recovery who would

455
00:15:31,289 --> 00:15:33,210
benefit from listening. It is my mission to

456
00:15:33,210 --> 00:15:34,970
get this information out to as many high

457
00:15:34,970 --> 00:15:37,210
achievers as possible, and I can't do it

458
00:15:37,210 --> 00:15:38,190
without your help.