74. SA and SAA Don’t Work For Everyone. There Are Other Options Besides 12-step

12-step meetings are designed to go through the 12 steps. They are not designed for connection. And, they are not therapy.

Sex addiction is incredibly different from guy to guy. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. If 12-step meetings are not resonating with you, you need to find something that does.

Many high-achieving men struggle with 12-step groups. They find them inefficient, lacking structure, and difficult to find connection.

There are many reasons why, and I discuss them in this podcast episode.

If you are a high-achiever, executive, business professional, or entrepreneur looking for a recovery group full of like-minded men, visit my website: successfuladdict.com

FULL TRANSCRIPT

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Twelve step meetings do not work for all

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men. Now, I do not want to offend

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anyone. There are some of you who love

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twelve step. You love SA and you love

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SAA and that's great. And if it's working

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for you, keep going.

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever. I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder

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of The Successful Addict, a recovery group for

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high achieving men struggling with sex and porn

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addiction. For more information about joining our group

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or attending our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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Keep going. I went for the first two

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years of my recovery,

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but it doesn't work for all men. And,

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me particularly, I was one of those guys.

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It just I didn't find connection there. I

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didn't find the the 12 steps to really

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do that much for my addiction or compulsive

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behavior. And so I was kind of just

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going to go. I wasn't getting connection. Addiction

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didn't really seem to be going anywhere. So

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for me, it didn't quite work. But again,

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some things work for some people and other

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things work for others. Right? Just like everything.

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Right? The challenge with 12 step though is,

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especially in this space, is there's definitely an

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assumption

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that it works. And I think we need

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to be careful

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with that. Just like, again, being careful choosing

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any modality and saying, hey, this will work

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for you. No. It works for some people.

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It won't work for everyone.

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Right? And now just to to get one

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thing clear, 12 step, when you when you

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read the books, either the white book or

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the green book, right in the book, it

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tells you the purpose of 12 step meetings

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is to gather a bunch of people with

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the same problem

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and work the 12 steps together. That is

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the purpose. Right?

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It is not for connection. Now, yes, are

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you meeting other people there? And can you

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guys exchange contact information? Will you form connections?

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Okay. Sure. But it's not for connection. It

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is to work the 12 steps. Right? And

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the sponsor is not your therapist. They're actually

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not supposed to give you any sort of

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advice. They're there to use their experience and

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help you go through the 12 steps. That's

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that's their purpose

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as stated in in both of the books.

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So I like to I like to bring

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that up just because I think a lot

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of people attend 12 step meetings with a

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lot of other assumptions. They I think they

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expect to get sober. I think they expect

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to have it, help their recovery. I think

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they expect to get connection. Right? But again,

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there's no crosstalk allowed in the room for

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a reason. Right? Because they don't want anybody

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to give advice or therapeutic advice when they're

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not therapists. Right? Or or if they are

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therapists, you're not their patient. Right? So they're

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trying to protect people. My point of all

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of this is the goal of the programs

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is to go through the 12 steps. Well,

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the the 12 steps have not been proven

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to actually be effective when it comes to

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process addictions. Right? Now I'm not saying that,

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going through amends and taking all these moral

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inventories. These are great exercises, and and they're

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not gonna harm you. Right? So that's the

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thing is, you know, that was the reason

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I went to 12 four. Those first couple

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years of my recovery was, you know, I

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I didn't see it was gonna do any

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harm. You know, if anything, it was gonna

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be beneficial. Right? Here's some here here's some,

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things maybe become enlightened around a certain area,

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something that that I can't see, right, that

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somebody else could show me. Right? So it's

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not gonna harm you. But the point is

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if if you're getting,

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if you're trying to prioritize,

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where to put your recovery, because that was

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my case was I'm an efficiency guy. Like,

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I can't relapse. I can't slip. My wife's

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not gonna tolerate that. Right? She's gonna she's

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gonna leave me. So I needed an efficient

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plan that was going to help me recover

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as fast as humanly possible. Now we know

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with this addiction, there's nothing fast about it.

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It is a it's a schlog. Right? It's

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it's a series of looking for things and

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trying,

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different modalities and and hunting and searching while

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trying to stay sober the whole time. Right?

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So it's not easy. It's not quick. But

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it doesn't mean that it can't be accelerated

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and also doesn't mean that it can't be

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slowed down. You know? Look. Judging by the

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relapse rate, it doesn't look to me like

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a lot of guys are in great recovery,

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and they don't have a really sustainable plan

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considering most of them, almost seventy percent are

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relapsing inside of inside of five years. Right?

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So so, again, when we're looking at this,

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what I'm what I'm saying is, if you're

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going to these meetings and you're expecting them

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to provide you with connection,

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you know, deep, friendships and accountability partners, that's

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not gonna happen necessarily. Right? Unless you initiate

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it or someone at the room initiates it,

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but it's not built into the program. Right?

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So again, this is not a anti 12

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step, podcast. That's not that's not what I'm

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saying. What I'm saying is if you're going

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there and you're not finding it very productive,

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you're not finding it very, connecting,

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you're not crazy. It's it's because it's really

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not

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particularly designed to help you recover. Right? It's

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it's not a one stop shop for recovery,

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and and and it never was advertised that

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way. Right? And it's also not a place

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for connection. It was never it never says

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that in the book. Right? But it is

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a great place to potentially meet people. Now

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for my, target audience, right, high achievers and

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entrepreneurs, I think it's particularly

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difficult for us to attend 12 steps meet

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meetings. And and and there's a variety of

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reasons.

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One is, you know, people connect most with

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people

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who they,

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who they have have similar interests. They have

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a similar,

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you know, Harvard or Stanford did a study

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that showed

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connect most when they have similar goals and

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aspirations for their life. You'll see this. Right?

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When you go to a networking event, you'll

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find,

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all the people who,

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kind of just, you know, career and work

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is not really that important to them. Right?

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It's more of a family in their community.

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Right? So those people all hang out together.

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And then there's the people who, you know,

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their career is extremely important to them. Right?

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And success and and, you know, building financial,

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security and and building wealth is is very

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important to them. So all those people kind

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of cluster together. You see this everywhere. Right?

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And so it's the same with connection as

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a sex addict. Right? You're going to connect

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best with people who you can have intellectual

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conversations with, stimulating conversations with. Right? You need

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to look forward to hanging around this person.

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You need to feel seen, understood with them.

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Right? And there needs to be an exchange.

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Right? And and sex addiction is no different

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than connecting with anyone else in the real

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world. Right? So the point of this is

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when you're going to 12 step meetings, you

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know, let's say there's eight guys there, 12

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guys there. Statistically

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speaking, only two percent of the population or

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less are high achievers. Right? So the likelihood

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of a high achiever being in a room

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of, you know, eight to 12 people,

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is low. Right? So

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you might not find somebody that you really

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click with. Right? And and again, it's not

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to say that you can't form connections with

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somebody who's different from you. You can't. But

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I would definitely say it's a lot easier,

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when you have somebody that's, you know, more

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similar to you. The other thing is there's

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a there's a big difference in acting out

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behaviors. I find that high achieving men,

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you know, they they typically act out a

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little bit different than,

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the general population. You know, the general population,

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there's a lot of pornography use. Right? There's

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a lot of coping,

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you know,

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escaping their their job that they don't like.

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They're,

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they're they're under a lot of stress, maybe

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financial pressures.

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They they don't like,

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how they look. They don't like the trajectory

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of their life. They don't, maybe maybe they're

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not super satisfied in their marriage. Right? And

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so there there's a lot of escapism. Right?

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So there's a lot of pornography used to

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escape their life. Well, high achieving men, you

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know, they don't really want to escape their

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life. In fact, they love their life, typically.

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They love their career. They love their wife.

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They love, they have, amazing vacations and hobbies.

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And,

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they're more on the quest to enhance their

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life. Right? So typically, their acting out behaviors

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are are add ons. Right? They're trying to

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find ways to have more experiences,

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more,

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more validation, more more admiration,

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more lust, more right? It's it's all about

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more and more and more for high achieving

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men. And so when they come to a

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12 step room where, you know, the majority

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of people are,

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avoiding negative emotions,

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you know, it can be sometimes,

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hard to connect when their drivers are different

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than yours and their acting out behaviors are

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very different than yours. Whereas, you know, for

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a lot of high achieving men, it has

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typically surpassed pornography.

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Not always.

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Thank goodness and lucky you if it hasn't,

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but, for a lot of high achieving men,

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you know, they love the exchange with a

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real human. Right? So typically, it crosses the

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flesh line into, you know, physical acting out

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behaviors.

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Right? But the point of all of this

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is,

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what I'm trying to have you do is

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set realistic

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expectations.

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12 step is designed to do a very

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specific thing. It's primarily a container for you

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guys to work through the 12 steps together

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and kind of share your experiences and help

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each other along. Right? Again, it it is

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not designed

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to be a recovery tool, a therapy tool.

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It's not designed to help show you why

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you act out and how to psychologically change

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those behaviors. And it's and it's not designed

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to connect. Right? All of that stuff's gonna

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happen on your own clock. Right? And so

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if you are looking for a group that

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does prioritize connection, right, that does actually have

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a,

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a plan in place, a structure, an efficient

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structure to discover your the ins and outs

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of your process addiction, Those groups do exist.

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Right? There there are therapy groups, you know,

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all over the country

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who, which different, therapists have kinda put together

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where they do prioritize connection. Right? They do

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prioritize a plan, an efficient plan. Right? They

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do have time to hunt for the why

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behind your addiction. Right? So if that's what

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you're looking for, those groups do exist. So

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again, if 12 steps just not really fitting

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the mold for what it is that you're

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looking for in your personal recovery, there's other

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options out there. There. So again, this is

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not an anti 12 step podcast. Please do

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not take it that way. If you, I

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always encourage everybody, hey, attend your local group.

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For all you know, it could be amazing.

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You know, when I was going through this,

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I was going to 12 step meetings in

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all sorts of cities. And there were some

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cities where I loved the group. Oh, my

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gosh. I had one in Colorado that I

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just I really love the men. I wish

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I wish I was still there. I would

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probably still attend that group. Right? So some

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of them might work for you. But if

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they're not working for you, don't just say,

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oh, well, I tried and it didn't work.

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No. That is not the case. We know

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that peer support, deep connections with other men

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in this, like minded men, is the number

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one

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thing you can do for your recovery. Number

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one. So don't just go and say, hey.

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I tried and it didn't work. No. That

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that doesn't count. Because again, I I I

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just I'm gonna tell you from personal experience

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here.

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From what I have seen, if you do

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not have a recovery group of men who

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you can lean on, who you really have

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deep relationships with,

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a lot of those guys

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eventually relapse. Like I said, it's not guaranteed,

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but it definitely increases likelihood. So if 12

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steps not working, find another group.

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Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

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are a high achiever with a sex addiction

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and you're looking for a recovery group full

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of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

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We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

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using four day retreats,

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weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

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If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

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save your marriage, go to our website, fill

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00:10:54,940 --> 00:10:57,519
out our application. If you enjoyed this episode,

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please pass it along to a friend in

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recovery who would benefit from listening. It is

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my mission to get this information out to

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as many high achievers as possible, and I

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can't do it without your help.

42. Can Meditation Cure Sex and Porn Addiction?

Does abstinence work? What if we are too zoomed in on the unwanted sexual behavior? The challenge with the word “recovery” is that people assume there is a point where you become “recovered.” But, when... Continue

70. Roland’s 3 Circles Of Sexual Sobriety

While 12-step was never really my thing… One thing I did take from it was the 3-circle sobriety plan. Sex addiction is an interesting addiction because the definition of sobriety changes from person to person.... Continue

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