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Twelve step meetings do not work for all

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men. Now, I do not want to offend

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anyone. There are some of you who love

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twelve step. You love SA and you love

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SAA and that's great. And if it's working

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for you, keep going.

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever. I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder

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of The Successful Addict, a recovery group for

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high achieving men struggling with sex and porn

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addiction. For more information about joining our group

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or attending our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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Keep going. I went for the first two

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years of my recovery,

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but it doesn't work for all men. And,

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me particularly, I was one of those guys.

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It just I didn't find connection there. I

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didn't find the the 12 steps to really

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do that much for my addiction or compulsive

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behavior. And so I was kind of just

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going to go. I wasn't getting connection. Addiction

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didn't really seem to be going anywhere. So

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for me, it didn't quite work. But again,

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some things work for some people and other

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things work for others. Right? Just like everything.

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Right? The challenge with 12 step though is,

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especially in this space, is there's definitely an

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assumption

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that it works. And I think we need

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to be careful

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with that. Just like, again, being careful choosing

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any modality and saying, hey, this will work

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for you. No. It works for some people.

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It won't work for everyone.

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Right? And now just to to get one

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thing clear, 12 step, when you when you

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read the books, either the white book or

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the green book, right in the book, it

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tells you the purpose of 12 step meetings

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is to gather a bunch of people with

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the same problem

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and work the 12 steps together. That is

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the purpose. Right?

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It is not for connection. Now, yes, are

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you meeting other people there? And can you

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guys exchange contact information? Will you form connections?

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Okay. Sure. But it's not for connection. It

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is to work the 12 steps. Right? And

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the sponsor is not your therapist. They're actually

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not supposed to give you any sort of

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advice. They're there to use their experience and

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help you go through the 12 steps. That's

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that's their purpose

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as stated in in both of the books.

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So I like to I like to bring

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that up just because I think a lot

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of people attend 12 step meetings with a

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lot of other assumptions. They I think they

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expect to get sober. I think they expect

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to have it, help their recovery. I think

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they expect to get connection. Right? But again,

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there's no crosstalk allowed in the room for

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a reason. Right? Because they don't want anybody

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to give advice or therapeutic advice when they're

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not therapists. Right? Or or if they are

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therapists, you're not their patient. Right? So they're

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trying to protect people. My point of all

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of this is the goal of the programs

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is to go through the 12 steps. Well,

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the the 12 steps have not been proven

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to actually be effective when it comes to

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process addictions. Right? Now I'm not saying that,

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going through amends and taking all these moral

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inventories. These are great exercises, and and they're

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not gonna harm you. Right? So that's the

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thing is, you know, that was the reason

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I went to 12 four. Those first couple

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years of my recovery was, you know, I

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I didn't see it was gonna do any

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harm. You know, if anything, it was gonna

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be beneficial. Right? Here's some here here's some,

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things maybe become enlightened around a certain area,

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something that that I can't see, right, that

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somebody else could show me. Right? So it's

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not gonna harm you. But the point is

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if if you're getting,

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if you're trying to prioritize,

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where to put your recovery, because that was

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my case was I'm an efficiency guy. Like,

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I can't relapse. I can't slip. My wife's

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not gonna tolerate that. Right? She's gonna she's

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gonna leave me. So I needed an efficient

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plan that was going to help me recover

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as fast as humanly possible. Now we know

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with this addiction, there's nothing fast about it.

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It is a it's a schlog. Right? It's

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it's a series of looking for things and

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trying,

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different modalities and and hunting and searching while

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trying to stay sober the whole time. Right?

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So it's not easy. It's not quick. But

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it doesn't mean that it can't be accelerated

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and also doesn't mean that it can't be

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slowed down. You know? Look. Judging by the

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relapse rate, it doesn't look to me like

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a lot of guys are in great recovery,

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and they don't have a really sustainable plan

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considering most of them, almost seventy percent are

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relapsing inside of inside of five years. Right?

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So so, again, when we're looking at this,

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what I'm what I'm saying is, if you're

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going to these meetings and you're expecting them

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to provide you with connection,

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you know, deep, friendships and accountability partners, that's

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not gonna happen necessarily. Right? Unless you initiate

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it or someone at the room initiates it,

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but it's not built into the program. Right?

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So again, this is not a anti 12

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step, podcast. That's not that's not what I'm

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saying. What I'm saying is if you're going

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there and you're not finding it very productive,

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you're not finding it very, connecting,

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you're not crazy. It's it's because it's really

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not

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particularly designed to help you recover. Right? It's

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it's not a one stop shop for recovery,

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and and and it never was advertised that

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way. Right? And it's also not a place

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for connection. It was never it never says

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that in the book. Right? But it is

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a great place to potentially meet people. Now

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for my, target audience, right, high achievers and

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entrepreneurs, I think it's particularly

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difficult for us to attend 12 steps meet

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meetings. And and and there's a variety of

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reasons.

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One is, you know, people connect most with

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people

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who they,

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who they have have similar interests. They have

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a similar,

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you know, Harvard or Stanford did a study

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that showed

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connect most when they have similar goals and

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aspirations for their life. You'll see this. Right?

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When you go to a networking event, you'll

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find,

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all the people who,

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kind of just, you know, career and work

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is not really that important to them. Right?

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It's more of a family in their community.

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Right? So those people all hang out together.

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And then there's the people who, you know,

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their career is extremely important to them. Right?

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And success and and, you know, building financial,

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security and and building wealth is is very

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important to them. So all those people kind

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of cluster together. You see this everywhere. Right?

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And so it's the same with connection as

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a sex addict. Right? You're going to connect

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best with people who you can have intellectual

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conversations with, stimulating conversations with. Right? You need

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to look forward to hanging around this person.

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You need to feel seen, understood with them.

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Right? And there needs to be an exchange.

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Right? And and sex addiction is no different

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than connecting with anyone else in the real

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world. Right? So the point of this is

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when you're going to 12 step meetings, you

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know, let's say there's eight guys there, 12

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guys there. Statistically

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speaking, only two percent of the population or

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less are high achievers. Right? So the likelihood

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of a high achiever being in a room

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of, you know, eight to 12 people,

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is low. Right? So

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you might not find somebody that you really

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click with. Right? And and again, it's not

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to say that you can't form connections with

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somebody who's different from you. You can't. But

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I would definitely say it's a lot easier,

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when you have somebody that's, you know, more

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similar to you. The other thing is there's

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a there's a big difference in acting out

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behaviors. I find that high achieving men,

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you know, they they typically act out a

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little bit different than,

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the general population. You know, the general population,

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there's a lot of pornography use. Right? There's

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a lot of coping,

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you know,

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escaping their their job that they don't like.

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They're,

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they're they're under a lot of stress, maybe

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financial pressures.

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They they don't like,

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how they look. They don't like the trajectory

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of their life. They don't, maybe maybe they're

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not super satisfied in their marriage. Right? And

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so there there's a lot of escapism. Right?

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So there's a lot of pornography used to

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escape their life. Well, high achieving men, you

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know, they don't really want to escape their

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life. In fact, they love their life, typically.

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They love their career. They love their wife.

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They love, they have, amazing vacations and hobbies.

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And,

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they're more on the quest to enhance their

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life. Right? So typically, their acting out behaviors

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are are add ons. Right? They're trying to

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find ways to have more experiences,

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more,

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more validation, more more admiration,

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more lust, more right? It's it's all about

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more and more and more for high achieving

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men. And so when they come to a

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12 step room where, you know, the majority

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of people are,

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avoiding negative emotions,

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you know, it can be sometimes,

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hard to connect when their drivers are different

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than yours and their acting out behaviors are

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very different than yours. Whereas, you know, for

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a lot of high achieving men, it has

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typically surpassed pornography.

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Not always.

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Thank goodness and lucky you if it hasn't,

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but, for a lot of high achieving men,

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you know, they love the exchange with a

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real human. Right? So typically, it crosses the

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flesh line into, you know, physical acting out

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behaviors.

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Right? But the point of all of this

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is,

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what I'm trying to have you do is

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set realistic

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expectations.

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12 step is designed to do a very

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specific thing. It's primarily a container for you

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guys to work through the 12 steps together

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and kind of share your experiences and help

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each other along. Right? Again, it it is

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not designed

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to be a recovery tool, a therapy tool.

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It's not designed to help show you why

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you act out and how to psychologically change

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those behaviors. And it's and it's not designed

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to connect. Right? All of that stuff's gonna

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happen on your own clock. Right? And so

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if you are looking for a group that

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does prioritize connection, right, that does actually have

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a,

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a plan in place, a structure, an efficient

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structure to discover your the ins and outs

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of your process addiction, Those groups do exist.

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Right? There there are therapy groups, you know,

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all over the country

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who, which different, therapists have kinda put together

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where they do prioritize connection. Right? They do

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prioritize a plan, an efficient plan. Right? They

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do have time to hunt for the why

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behind your addiction. Right? So if that's what

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you're looking for, those groups do exist. So

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again, if 12 steps just not really fitting

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the mold for what it is that you're

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looking for in your personal recovery, there's other

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options out there. There. So again, this is

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not an anti 12 step podcast. Please do

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not take it that way. If you, I

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always encourage everybody, hey, attend your local group.

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For all you know, it could be amazing.

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You know, when I was going through this,

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I was going to 12 step meetings in

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all sorts of cities. And there were some

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cities where I loved the group. Oh, my

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gosh. I had one in Colorado that I

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just I really love the men. I wish

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I wish I was still there. I would

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probably still attend that group. Right? So some

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of them might work for you. But if

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they're not working for you, don't just say,

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oh, well, I tried and it didn't work.

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No. That is not the case. We know

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that peer support, deep connections with other men

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in this, like minded men, is the number

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one

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thing you can do for your recovery. Number

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one. So don't just go and say, hey.

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I tried and it didn't work. No. That

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that doesn't count. Because again, I I I

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just I'm gonna tell you from personal experience

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here.

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From what I have seen, if you do

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not have a recovery group of men who

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you can lean on, who you really have

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deep relationships with,

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a lot of those guys

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eventually relapse. Like I said, it's not guaranteed,

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but it definitely increases likelihood. So if 12

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steps not working, find another group.

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Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

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are a high achiever with a sex addiction

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and you're looking for a recovery group full

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of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

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We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

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using four day retreats,

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weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

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If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

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save your marriage, go to our website, fill

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00:10:54,940 --> 00:10:57,519
out our application. If you enjoyed this episode,

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please pass it along to a friend in

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recovery who would benefit from listening. It is

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my mission to get this information out to

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as many high achievers as possible, and I

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can't do it without your help.