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Discovering your why, right? Why did I act

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out? What was going on in my head?

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You know, you need to determine this for

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good recovery and if you're married, your wife's

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gonna wanna know why all this happens because

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ultimately, you getting sober isn't gonna bring her

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the safety that she desires, Right? The safety

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and the trust that she wants to rebuild,

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that will only come when she feels like

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you have a plan that's gonna protect the

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relationship. A plan that's going to prevent you

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from engaging these unwanted behaviors.

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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high achiever. I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder

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of The Successful Addict, a recovery group for

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high achieving men struggling with sex and porn

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addiction. For more information about joining our group

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or attending our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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But again, if you don't know why you

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did it, then you don't know how to

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treat it, how to change it, how to

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modify it. And so therefore, you're basically just

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hoping it doesn't happen again. Well, that's not

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gonna be good enough. It's not gonna be

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good enough for your wife and it shouldn't

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be good enough for you. So how do

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we determine why we acted out? Well, we

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kinda have to examine a few different things.

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Right? There's an emphasis in this field on

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it being an addiction. Right? That it's a

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sex addiction, a porn addiction that the guy

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has become addicted to sex porn or affairs.

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And that can be the case. I've definitely

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met addicts. There was a portion of actually

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my, compulsive behavior that was,

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dopaminergic

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and addictive. Right? So what do I mean

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by that? Well, an addiction would be somebody

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who is seeking, in the case of sex

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and pornography, they're seeking dopamine from

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the sex and pornography to shift their attention

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away from something else. Right? So it's an

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escapist practice. Right? That's really the hallmark of

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of, a dopaminergic

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sexual,

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compulsion is I wanna escape or vacate my

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life. Right? There's some sort of unwanted stressful

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event. There's emotions that I'm I'm feeling that

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I don't wanna feel. There's a story about

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myself concept,

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you know, of a failure of being behind,

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of not being good enough that I don't

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wanna live with. Right? So these people are

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trying to escape

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these unwanted feelings, these unwanted stories that, that

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they don't wanna have to deal with. Right?

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So that's the hallmark of,

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addiction when we're talking about, somebody seeking dopamine

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is escaping one's life, vacating, unplugging,

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getting a release. Right? So if you're an

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addict, then you fall into that category. Right?

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And this is why the why matters is

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if it truly is a dopaminergic

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escapist practice,

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then we then the modification is why do

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I feel the need to escape my life?

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And there's a couple different things you can

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do there. You can change the aspects of

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your life that you, that you don't like

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that are unpleasant.

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Right? Sometimes that's possible, sometimes it's not. Right?

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Sometimes the the stressful situation can't just simply

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be changed. Right? But if you can change

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it, change it. Because now there's gonna be

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less of a need to escape or vacate

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your life or unplug or get some sort

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of release. Right? The other option is learn

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healthier coping strategies. We were born here to

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cope with life and handle life stresses

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without addiction.

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We were. People can handle people can handle

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stresses and the things that life throughout them

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without turning to some sort of dopaminergic escape

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practice. Right? We have human beings are equipped

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to be able to healthily navigate this. But,

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again, a lot of people just don't know,

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how to do that. Right? It hasn't been

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taught to them. It wasn't modeled for them.

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Right?

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So there's a couple different, other angles there

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that, that addicts will need to to navigate.

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But if you're a true addict, then the

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why is gonna be I'm escaping or vacating

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my life and I need to come up

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with a better, coping strategies to deal with

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that that don't involve,

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violating my integrity,

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or changing my actual life situation so that

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I'm not constantly facing these unwanted,

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these unwanted,

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feelings, emotions, and stories about myself that I

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don't wanna that I don't wanna deal with.

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Right? And and more than likely, it's probably

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gonna be a combo of the two. Alright?

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I don't I don't think I don't think

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just the strategies are enough, and I don't

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think just changing your environment enough. I think,

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you know, to the if you're trying to

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recover as fast as possible, I think doing

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both simultaneously is to your advantage. But, again,

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this is only a portion of the population.

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You know, in my groups, we've actually find

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that,

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most men are not actually sex addicts porn

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addicts. A lot of the guys in my

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groups being,

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high achievers,

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entrepreneurs,

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a lot of them have a pretty sweet

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life set up that they have built. Right?

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So vacating it and escaping it's not actually

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what they're, doing quite often. Right? They might

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have some they might use, you know, porn

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or something as a bit of an escape

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here and there, but the bulk of their

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acting out behaviors and the most, and most

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of their fantasies

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are actually around enhancing their life, adding something

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that's missing. Right? So this would classify as,

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more of compulsive behavior rather than addiction. Right?

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So this person's,

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they're doing something that violates their morals and

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values. It's not the type of man that

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they wanna become, but they do it anyways.

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Right? So that's compulsive. Right? And the objective

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here is, I always say it's rather than

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using sex and porn and affairs as an

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escape, they're using it as a means. Right?

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Now this should not be confused with that

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that they're not coping because they are coping.

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And they are coping by

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feeling the void and enhancing. So what is

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coping?

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Coping is when we use something

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that was designed

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for something else and we're using it for

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something that it wasn't designed to do. So

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that would be a a cope well, that

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would be a bad coping strategy. Right? There's

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healthy coping strategies where we're taking the strategy

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and we're coping with the stress using using

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it. But an unhealthy pattern would be, I'm

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gonna use this thing in the case of

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what we're talking about today. I'm gonna use

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women. I'm gonna use their bodies.

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I'm gonna use the sexual interaction.

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I'm gonna use that

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to enhance the way that I am, feeling

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about myself,

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or a feeling that I wanna feel that

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I don't feel enough of. I'm gonna use

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women and sex in their bodies to get

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that feeling. Right? So that would be an

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unhealthy coping strategy.

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Now, this is where it gets so

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I would say it's it's pros and cons.

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Right? If you're an addict,

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I would say the recovery process is actually,

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potentially a little bit harder and more challenging.

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Right? You know, it resembles more of an

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addiction, so there's some setbacks and some slips

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can be very defeating and frustrating. The good

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news that I've seen is when addicts can

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figure out

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better strategies and and or modifying

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their environment that they wanna escape, they actually

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get into pretty dang good recovery. And if

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they can maintain that, then it can actually

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maintain long term recovery better than, some of

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my, compulsive guys. Whereas the guys who are

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using sex and porn and affairs as a

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as a means, a means of enhancing oneself,

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fulfilling a void,

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they

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they have

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faster

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sobriety, I would say, but their long term

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recovery is

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is much longer. I would say a lot

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of the guys who fall into more of

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the compulsive category, these are the guys who

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are probably gonna be recovering for the rest

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of their life,

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because their brain has latched onto using,

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admiration,

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being wanted, being chosen, feeling unique, feeling special.

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They they have used that interaction for so

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long that they are probably gonna turn to

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it quite often. Right? Right? It's gonna it's

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gonna be something that their brain's gonna suggest,

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hey, we could go do this and this

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would make us feel this this type of

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way. Right? We could we could go, you

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know, have an affair. We could have an

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emotional affair. Right? So the brain's gonna be

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very resourceful in that in that way. And

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what I find is those compulsive guys actually

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have a longer road. Oftentimes, they have to

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kinda stay in some degree of recovery forever

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to make sure they don't start using those

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those unwanted patterns. But kinda back to the

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why, if you look at compulsive men, so

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men who are are not necessarily escape artists.

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Right? They're not using sex and porn as

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escape, as an addiction. They're using it as

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a means to enhance. We have to figure

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out what they're after because not all people

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are using it for the same means. Right?

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There are some guys who are using it

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in this very linear kind of like Hollywood

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Instagram way of, I am going to I

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want to interact in the in these certain

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types of ways. I want women to say

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certain things about me. I want men to

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compliment me in a certain way. So they're

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on this conquest to basically get flattered, get

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compliments, and get attention so that they can

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honor and validate the story of, see, I

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am superior. I am accomplished. People do like

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me. I am special. Right? So it can

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be navigating a very, you know, materialistic

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status driven,

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story about oneself. Right? So, yeah, that that's

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an option. But it could also be a

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maladaptive way of, gaining control and individuality.

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There's a lot of guys who have a

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secret sexual life

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because they like having a secret sexual life.

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It gives them this this feeling of control,

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independence.

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It's this it's this little world that they

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that's theirs, and they don't have to tell

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anyone and they can hide it. Right? And

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that's actually far more common than you would

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think. Right? So other things that fall into

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that category would be,

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image management. Right? These get these people the

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men who are obsessed with, controlling how they're

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seen and manipulating,

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their image and how they're viewed.

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These could also fall into men who have

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a very rebellious and defiant side of them.

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Right? Because of their if if they grew

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up in their upbringing and they, don't wanna

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be normal because they've associated being normal or

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as average and they want to be special,

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unique, different, they will actually potentially latch onto

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sexual behaviors

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to be defiant, to rebel,

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because they've they've latched onto that at early

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years and they're now doing it as an

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adult. And but then there can also be

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the very, very linear

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piece of I'm using sex and and pornography

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or affairs to fulfill an unmet human need

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of connection, love, belonging, esteem, respect, admiration. Right?

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So we have this human need that's very,

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very real, and we're using women in these

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various interactions to fulfill that need. It never

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works because,

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those transactional

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meaningless interactions never actually feel real. Right? So

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this is why men who are engaging in

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their compulsive behavior force them to to fulfill

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some sort of unmet human need that they

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have, it never works. Right? Because sleeping with

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a prostitute just doesn't make you feel connected,

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wanted, like there's this intimate exchange. Right? In

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your head, you thought it was gonna work

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and then you go do it and you

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feel total like total garbage right when you're

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done. Right? So my my point we we

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can you know, all these topics deserve way

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more of a discussion. My point wasn't really

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to help you find your why. My point

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was telling you that can you really be

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in good recovery unless you know what your

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brain is after because it's a perceived value.

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Humans are intentional creatures. We don't do things

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for no reason.

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If you see somebody who's doing something that

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looks, you know, harmful to themselves or harmful

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to others, rather than judging them or judge

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or if you're doing it judging yourself, you

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gotta you gotta ask yourself why is this

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happening. There is some perceived value that the

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brain is convinced actually makes sense. So while

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on the outside it looks insane to the

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person engaging in the behavior, they actually genuinely

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feel like this is the best plan that's

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available to somebody like me in this given

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situation. Right? And this is why finding the

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why behind your confulsivity is so important. Again,

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I don't think you can be in good

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recovery

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unless you know pretty darn well what at

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least what category

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your brain is kind of,

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is operating in. If you don't know what's

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driving your addiction or your compulsive behavior,

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I I don't think you can get into

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a place where you're going to be able

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to prevent it from happening again. Because think

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about it. If you don't know that, you're

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just relying on luck and luck is not

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a safe strategy when you're trying to overcome

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compulsive sexual

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behavior. Thanks for listening to this episode. If

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you are a high achiever of the sex

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addiction and you're looking for a recovery group

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full of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

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We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

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using four day retreats, weekly group calls, and

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00:12:00,605 --> 00:12:03,164
daily accountability check ins. If you wanna achieve

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long term sobriety and save your marriage, go

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to our website, fill out an application. If

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you enjoyed this episode, please pass it along

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to a friend in recovery who would benefit

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from listening. It is my mission to get

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this information out to as many high achievers

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as possible, and I can't do it without

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your help.