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– Humans are intentional creatures, right? So when we

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– make decisions,

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– they’re premeditated. That’s part of the reason I

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– remember when I was discovered by my wife,

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– that was one of the things that hurt

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– her the most was how premeditated

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– these acts looked, right? The research that went

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– into it, the grooming of the women that

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– I would act out with. So much of

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– the process that led up to the actual

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– act, that was the most offensive thing to

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– her because she looked at me and she

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– said, this doesn’t look like an addiction. Right?

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– This looks like you made a plan

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– and then you acted on it. You are

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– listening to the sex addiction podcast for high

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– achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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– This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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– recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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– high achiever. I’m your host, Roland Cochran, founder

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– of The Successful Addict, a recovery group for

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– high achieving men struggling with sex and porn

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– addiction. For more information about joining our group

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– or attending our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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– And now enjoy the rest of the episode.

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– So one of the things that’s interesting about

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– my recovery groups is the vast majority of

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– the men are not new to this. Okay?

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– So they did not just get discovered a

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– couple months ago. Most of the men have

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– been in recovery for a year, two years.

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– Some of them, unfortunately,

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– are attending my group because they experienced a

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– significant relapse. Right? So now they’re asking their

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– wife for a third chance. Not just a

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– second chance, but a third chance. Okay? And

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– the reason I bring this up is it’s

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– a lot of the reason that I don’t

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– particularly care for calling this a sex addiction,

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– a porn addiction. I think if we put

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– too much attention

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– on the actual sexual behaviors themselves,

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– I think we’re missing something. Right? Because those

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– are at the very, very end

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– of the process. Right?

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– It’s everything that came before that that matters.

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– Right? The sexual behaviors now, yes, those are

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– the most offensive. Those are the ones that

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– your wife is focusing on. Right? Those are

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– the ones that hurt. But if we focus

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– on those too much, and I’m speaking to

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– the compulsive men, the addicted men, the cheating

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– men. If we focus too much on the

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– sexual behavior itself,

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– why we did it, arousal templates, triggers, etcetera,

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– etcetera, That’s at the very, very end. And

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– I think that if we focus on that,

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– all you’ll get there is some sobriety. Right?

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– You guys have heard me talk about this.

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– There’s a big difference between sobriety and recovery.

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– But again, I think that the reason I

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– like to call my groups recovery groups is,

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– yes, you need to figure out how to

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– get sober. You need to figure out how

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– to stop. The vast majority of men in

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– my groups have found a way to stop

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– before they actually met me. Right? So they’re

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– actually attending my groups. That’s why I call

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– my groups recovery groups is they’re attending my

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– groups to make sure that this doesn’t happen

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– again. And a lot of this is regaining

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– trust in their marriage because blind trust is

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– gone. Right? So the new trust is do

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– you understand how to prevent this from happening

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– again? Can you prove that to your wife?

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– Can you prove this to your partner? So

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– I wanted to do a quick little episode

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– here on what I mean by everything before

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– the sexual behavior because humans are intentional creatures.

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– Right? So when we make decisions,

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– they’re premeditated. That’s part of the reason I

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– remember when I was discovered by my wife,

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– was one of the things that hurt her

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– the most

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– was how premeditated

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– these acts looked. Right? The research that went

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– into it, the grooming

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– of the women that I would act out

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– with. So much of the process that led

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– up to the actual act, that was the

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– most offensive thing to her because she looked

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– at me and she said, This doesn’t look

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– like an addiction. Right? This looks like you

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– made a plan

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– and then you acted on it. And she’s

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– like, there was tons of time, days, sometimes

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– months, right, where you could have stopped. You

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– could have made the decision not to do

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– this. And in her opinion, she’s like, it

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– really looks like you wanted to do this.

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– Now, I get why she says that. I

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– get why all the betrayed partners feel that

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– way because, yeah, it does look very premeditated.

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– There’s oftentimes,

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– again, days, weeks, months, sometimes years of grooming

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– and planning and coordination.

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– But again,

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– when we go back to how the brain

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– works, and this is the key to recovery

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– here. Right? It’s okay. Fine. Yes. The sexual

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– thing happened, but let’s go all the way

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– back to why.

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– Right? So when we look at chronic cheating

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– or affairs, compulsive sexual behavior, etcetera, there’s a

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– reason why

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– women and particularly sexual

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– interaction, sex appeal, the sexual act itself,

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– there’s a reason why that was so appealing

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– to you. And we need to really rewind

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– and go all the way back to why.

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– And the sad part is

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– there’s hundreds, if not thousands, if not millions,

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– trillions or billions of potential reasons why you

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– ended up acting out. And the reason that’s

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– kind of a bummer is you can’t just

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– buy a book and figure out why you

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– acted out and get get into recovery. Right?

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– If that was the case, we wouldn’t see

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– a seventy percent relapse rate. We wouldn’t see

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– all these men really spending years in recovery

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– to try to stop doing these behaviors if

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– it was really that easy. And that’s the

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– difficult part is when you go all the

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– way back

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– to, again, your childhood years, teenage years, your

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– twenties, when you really start looking at

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– when you gain such an affinity towards these

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– behaviors, right? Why were you latching onto women

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– and their attention? Right? Why did that become

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– so significant? And there’s a lot of answers

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– to that, Right? Some of it may come

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– from

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– far back in childhood to a point where

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– it’s really hard to remember. Right? Because back

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– then you were really pre verbal. You didn’t

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– even really know why you thought the way

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– you thought. Right? But it’s important to go

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– back and figure out of what significance is

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– this. Why is this so appealing? What am

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– I getting out of this? Right? Because if

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– we focus too much on the actual behavior

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– itself and triggers and… I think we’re missing

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– something. Right? Because, again, I think all those

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– exercises are great when it comes to not

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– doing the behavior anymore. Right? People call that

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– sobriety. Right? You know, stopping right now. And

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– that’s very, very important.

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– But quite quickly, once you’ve figured that out,

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– you do need to go back and figure

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– out where did I latch on to these

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– things. Right? And the truth is a lot

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– of the behavioral processes that you become attached

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– to weren’t sexual in the beginning.

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– Right? When I look at my personal process

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– addiction, I put so much thought and effort

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– into proving myself, looking a certain way, gaining

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– attention and approval from people. Right? It didn’t

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– become sexual until, you know, far later in

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– my life. Right? But, I mean, I remember

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– even even as early as second or third

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– grade, my image really mattered. I pierced my

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– ear. I was… The kids were kinda dyeing

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– their hair and doing frosted tips at the

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– time. Right? And then in high school, I

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– was going to the gym. I started this

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– pattern

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– of controlling how I was perceived.

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– Right? My image became extremely important to me,

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– and there were measures in life

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– that I would use to determine how I

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– was being perceived.

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– Right? And yes, some of that was envy

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– and jealousy from other men and other boys,

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– but other times, it was attention from women.

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– It was attention from girls. Right? How many

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– of these girls are are paying attention to

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– me? Right? Am I am I liked by

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– them? Can I date the ones that I

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– wanna date, etcetera? Right? So if I really

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– go back, I see a lot of these

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– processes brewing and brewing and brewing. I know,

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– yes, they look very, very different now. They

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– look very different now, especially for like a

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– married man. You you can’t do a lot

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– of the same stuff you were doing in

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– middle school, high school, and your college years,

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– right, because you’re married. Right? So so you

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– can’t just be going on dates and and

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– texting all these women. Right? So will it

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– evolve?

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– Right? Will it start to take new new

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– shape and will the behaviors look very, very

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– different than they did back when you were

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– younger in your teenage years or your twenties?

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– Yes. Absolutely. Because the situation that you’re in

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– right now is different. You might have a

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– family. To be able to pull off the

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– same process that you were pulling off when

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– you were younger, it’s it’s gonna look different

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– now, but it doesn’t mean that it’s a

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– different process.

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– It just means it looks different. So I

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– I just record this sort of episode to

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– remind all of you. Right?

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– We know the relapse rate in this in

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– this field is extremely high. Right? We know

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– this. Again, when I I remember when I

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– went to inpatient treatment, I think I was

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– the only guy there who was there for

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– his first discovery. All the other guys, this

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– is… This was their second time cheating on

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– their wife. For four other guys, this was

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– their second time in inpatient treatment. Right? So

224
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– the point of this is we know that

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– this just doesn’t go away. So, again, for

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– all the the guys listening to this, the

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– guys new on in the process and the

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– guys very, very deep into the process. Right?

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– I think getting out of the woods… I

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– have seen men who have achieved

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– a really great state of recovery to the

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– point where, yeah, I I think that, you

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– know, assuming that they don’t experience some some

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– trauma and some major major reason to backslide,

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– they actually get into a really great place

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– where I do think their marriage is is

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– probably safe. But that’s not a ton of

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– guys, but I think we all can get

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– there. I think it requires a ton of

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– recovery work. I really think it does. I

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– think that you and your your recovery group

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– altogether should be trying to figure out where

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– do these patterns come from and how far

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– back can we trace them? Because I don’t

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– think, you know, I don’t think if you

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– do that, I don’t think you can guarantee

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– to yourself or to your wife that you’re

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– not gonna do this again.

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– Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

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– are a high achiever with a sex addiction

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– and you’re looking for a recovery group full

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– of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

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– We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

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– using four day retreats,

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– weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

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– If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

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– save your marriage, go to our website and

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– fill out our application.

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– If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

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– along to a friend in recovery who would

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– benefit from listening. It is my mission to

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– get this information out to as many high

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– achievers as possible, and I can’t do it

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– without your help.