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– I liked it. I liked it. I liked

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– it and I thought I was gonna get

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– away with it. I liked the way that

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– flirting with these women made me feel. I

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– liked seeing if I could sleep with them.

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– I liked it. That’s why I did it.

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– I felt good. I liked it. It was

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– novel. Right? Novel sexual experience. It was taboo.

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– It was against the rules. It was exciting.

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– It was risky. I don’t know. I just

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– I I like doing it.

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– You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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– for high achievers, business professionals, professionals, executives, and

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– entrepreneurs.

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– This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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– recovery principles specifically to the mindset of the

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– high achiever. I’m your host, Roland Cochran, founder

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– of The Successful Addict, a recovery group for

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– high achieving men struggling with sex and porn

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– addiction. For more information about joining our group

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– or attending our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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– And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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– So I wanted to share with you guys

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– a little bit of a story, but also

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– what what I would consider a pretty massive

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– lesson. It changed my the direction of my

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– recovery and it changed

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– pretty significantly changed the direction of our marriage

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– when my wife and I were trying to

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– heal from this. And talked about this before,

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– but never really this linearly. And I I

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– just shared this on one of our group

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– calls. I have this one call that I

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– do three times a month, and all the

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– guys in my groups are invited to it.

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– So normally with my groups, they all just

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– meet individually in their small groups of 10.

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– But this this one call that I do

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– three times a month, everybody’s invited to it.

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– I shared it on it yesterday, and one

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– guy had made a massive impact with him

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– and his wife. They actually had sex for

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– the first time in a long time. And,

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– two other guys came on and shared, and

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– they said that just made massive kinda headway

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– on on their shame and just kind of

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– ownership of this whole thing. So I wanted

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– to share it with all of you here

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– on the podcast. So let me give you

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– a little backstory in terms of how I

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– got to this point. So like all of

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– you, I’m a high achiever in all areas

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– of my life, my fitness

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– goals, business goals, financial goals, vacation goals. You

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– know, like many high achievers, I I do

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– everything big in my life. So when I

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– got caught and my wife discovered my behaviors,

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– changing was of massive importance to me. You

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– know, I envisioned dying with this giant you

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– know, growing and dying of old age with

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– this woman. I mean, she truly is my

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– wife is truly, everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

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– Honestly, I mean that. And so I had

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– to fix this thing. So

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– I’m going to 12 step meetings. Beginning, I

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– was going to three a week, then eventually

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– kinda went down to two a week. You

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– guys know recovery burnout’s a very real thing.

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– I had, multiple CSATs. Right? We had our

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– couple CSAT. I had my CSAT. She had

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– her CSAT.

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– I was signing up for all these, you

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– know, virtual intensives of, you know, finding your

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– why and, you know, different different childhood trauma

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– intensives.

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– I was going to treatment. Right? So went

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– to treatment to,

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– usually two other, like, in person intensives,

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– a year. So I’m I’m doing all these

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– things. Right? And I gotta be honest, though.

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– I find myself right it was right around,

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– like, month eleven into recovery because, you know,

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– there was that beginning part, so it’s trying

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– to figure things out. But I was about

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– eleven months into recovery. I wasn’t really recovered.

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– I wasn’t doing any of the things. Right?

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– It wasn’t like I had relapsed or anything

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– like that. I didn’t know how much I’d

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– changed. There was a lot of the activities

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– I still kinda wanted to do if I

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– was completely honest. Right? It wasn’t like I

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– didn’t want to do them. I didn’t want

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– the destroy my marriage and get divorced, but

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– did I not want to do some of

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– those behaviors? I don’t know. I think I

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– still did. And I don’t know if I

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– was necessarily felt like I had my recovery

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– figured out. I don’t know if I really

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– could confidently I I I know I couldn’t.

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– My wife even asked me. She said, Roland,

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– how confident are you that you won’t do

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– these things again?

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– And my answer still at that time was,

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– I don’t know. You know, I wanna say

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– that I won’t, but, you know, I haven’t

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– haven’t really been tempted at a at a

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– massive level. Like, I don’t know if I

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– can confidently tell you that this isn’t gonna

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– happen again. You know, I wish I could

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– tell you that, but I don’t know. And

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– so it was really frustrating to me because

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– I think at least the impression that I

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– got when I first got into recovery was

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– that, oh, this is gonna be the best

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– thing ever. You know, recovery’s gonna be this

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– awesome thing, and you’re gonna change, and your

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– marriage is gonna get better and all. And

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– I gotta be honest, eleven months in, I’m

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– like, I don’t know, man. I don’t know.

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– I don’t know. I don’t know if I

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– feel changed. I don’t even know if I

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– feel like this is working. And that was

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– when I made kind of a mental pivot,

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– and that’s what I wanted to share with

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– you guys today on this on this podcast.

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– Maybe some of you have already made this

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– pivot. I don’t know. It was it was

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– revolutionary to a lot of the guys in

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– my group. Maybe some of you listening won’t

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– find this a massive pivot, but I sure

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– did. And and like I said, it really

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– changed the direction for my recovery in our

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– marriage. I also kinda started thinking about it

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– differently. I was like, you know what? I’m

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– tired of all this. I’m tired of talking

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– about all this stuff. I’m tired of I’m

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– tired of my wife and I kinda rehearsing

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– how this happened and if I’m changing, and

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– am I learning empathy? And am I you

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– know, I’m just it’s just I I feel

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– like I’m just in this washing machine of

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– talking about it.

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– And so finally, I decided, you know what?

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– I’m gonna just start

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– saying it how it is. I’m gonna start

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– recovering

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– from my actual recovery.

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– Like, I’m gonna actually start like, rather than

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– having other people, other experts, other professionals tell

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– me what I need to do and and

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– what’s wrong with me, I’m just gonna, like,

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– go figure out what’s actually wrong with me.

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– And so what I what I mean by

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– this was my wife, you know, she asked,

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– you know, as you guys know, for the

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– betrayed partners listening to this and the men

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– listening to this, it’s not uncommon to get

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– asked. The partner wants to know, like, I

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– don’t get how you could do this. Like,

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– I still don’t understand. Like, why? Like, if

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– you love me so much, how did this

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– happen? Right? And my old answer was, again,

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– that prescribed

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– answer of like, oh, I, you know, I

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– never, you know, through my childhood,

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– I never felt seen. I never felt like

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– people cared about how I felt. And so

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– then I created a double life to go

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– get my needs met, and then the variety

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– of childhood trauma like answers. Right? But this

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– time, I answered different. You know what I

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– told her? I said,

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– I liked it. I liked it. I liked

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– it, and I thought I was gonna get

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– away with it. I liked the way that

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– flirting with these women made me feel. I

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– liked seeing if I could sleep with them.

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– I liked

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– it. That’s why I did it. I felt

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– good. I liked it. It was novel. Right?

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– It was novel sexual experience. It was taboo.

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– It was against the rules. It was exciting.

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– It was risky. I don’t know. I just

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– I I liked doing it. I really did.

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– I liked doing it. I mean, it got

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– to the point where when I would go

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– travel for business, it was like,

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– it was a thing that I, like, was,

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– like, preplanning. I liked doing it, and I

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– really thought I was gonna get away with

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– it. Now I’m not in any way saying

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– that that’s okay. It’s just I found myself

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– forcing

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– myself to have an addiction. I found myself

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– forcing this to be this big narrative from

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– my childhood and all. And and I’m not

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– denying that my

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– need for attention and validation didn’t come from

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– childhood because it did. But here’s the difference.

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– Why did I do it?

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– Because I liked it. It felt good, and

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– I thought I was gonna get away with

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– it. Thought I could hide it. Thought I

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– could do it forever.

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– That’s why it happened. Right? I mean, obviously,

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– there’s a why before that why. But in

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– the end, you know, my wife cares. She

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– wants me to do the recovery work. She

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– does want me to to heal. Right? And

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– a lot of that is going back to

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– your childhood and figuring out how this happened.

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– But at the same time,

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– you know what she really wants to know?

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– She wants ownership. And what ownership was was

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– that’s the truth. I was entitled. I thought

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– I was above the rules. I thought that

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– I was never gonna get caught. And I

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– don’t know. I I felt like I had

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– the right to do this. I’m not saying

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– it’s okay. I’m not saying that that’s not

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– completely delusional kind of process addiction thinking, but

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– that is the truth. I mean, I walked

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– around and, I had no shame and no

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– guilt from doing these behaviors.

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– I walked around doing them and liking that

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– I was doing them. And it was that

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– ownership that changed two things. Let’s first talk

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– about the marriage. My wife, while she didn’t

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– like necessarily hearing that, right, that, you know,

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– my wife liked the idea that I was

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– an addict and not a cheater. Right? My

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– wife liked the idea that these were, like,

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– compulsions that were out of my control. But

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– the truth was, I don’t know. I think

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– I had more control

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– about it than I than if I’m completely

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– honest, I I think I could have stopped.

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– And you know how I know? Because when

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– I got caught, I stopped.

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– I stopped, and I haven’t gone back to

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– those things. I don’t want that for my

242
00:07:46.680 –> 00:07:48.365
– life. I don’t want that for my marriage.

243
00:07:48.365 –> 00:07:49.964
– I want my wife. I wanna be an

244
00:07:49.964 –> 00:07:51.644
– honest man. I don’t I don’t wanna be

245
00:07:51.644 –> 00:07:52.384
– this liar.

246
00:07:52.925 –> 00:07:54.604
– But the truth was when when she asked

247
00:07:54.604 –> 00:07:56.704
– me to stop, I stopped. And that’s because

248
00:07:57.245 –> 00:07:59.264
– I couldn’t get away with it anymore.

249
00:07:59.589 –> 00:08:01.110
– Right? And so it was this, you know,

250
00:08:01.110 –> 00:08:02.310
– as much as it was nice to have

251
00:08:02.310 –> 00:08:03.289
– it be this pathological

252
00:08:04.310 –> 00:08:04.810
– addiction,

253
00:08:05.189 –> 00:08:06.649
– in the end, there was something

254
00:08:07.189 –> 00:08:09.350
– true about what I was saying. You know,

255
00:08:09.350 –> 00:08:10.709
– she just she just felt like I was

256
00:08:10.709 –> 00:08:12.789
– being honest. She felt like, thank you for

257
00:08:12.789 –> 00:08:14.685
– saying that. Like, thank you for admitting that.

258
00:08:14.925 –> 00:08:17.165
– So it really kinda started changing the marriage.

259
00:08:17.165 –> 00:08:18.925
– Rather than doing these nightly check ins and

260
00:08:18.925 –> 00:08:20.785
– really treating me like I was some sort

261
00:08:20.925 –> 00:08:22.605
– of addict and I was at any second,

262
00:08:22.605 –> 00:08:24.524
– I was gonna go sleep with a woman

263
00:08:24.524 –> 00:08:26.285
– or look at some look in some porn

264
00:08:26.285 –> 00:08:29.000
– or masturbate compulsively, That just wasn’t my thing.

265
00:08:29.000 –> 00:08:30.779
– I know that I know for some men,

266
00:08:31.079 –> 00:08:32.600
– the story’s gonna be different for you. For

267
00:08:32.600 –> 00:08:35.399
– some men, you are addicted to these behaviors.

268
00:08:35.399 –> 00:08:37.639
– You are compulsively masturbating, and you’re gonna have

269
00:08:37.639 –> 00:08:40.120
– to own that. But my point is prior

270
00:08:40.120 –> 00:08:41.720
– to that point, I was really kind of

271
00:08:41.720 –> 00:08:43.785
– like feeding her sex addiction scripts

272
00:08:44.485 –> 00:08:46.325
– that I had gotten from therapy or workbooks

273
00:08:46.325 –> 00:08:48.245
– or intensives of like, oh, you know, here’s

274
00:08:48.245 –> 00:08:50.644
– here’s this pathology and all this. My parents

275
00:08:50.644 –> 00:08:52.165
– lacked attunement and all that. And and and

276
00:08:52.165 –> 00:08:54.165
– again, none of that stuff’s not true because

277
00:08:54.165 –> 00:08:56.884
– it is. Absolutely. But in the end, I’m

278
00:08:56.884 –> 00:08:58.740
– a grown ass man. I’m a grown ass

279
00:08:58.740 –> 00:09:00.440
– man, and I knew what I was doing.

280
00:09:00.660 –> 00:09:02.019
– I can’t sit here and say that I

281
00:09:02.019 –> 00:09:03.860
– didn’t know what I was doing. I knew.

282
00:09:03.860 –> 00:09:05.860
– That’s why I was hiding it. Right? And

283
00:09:05.860 –> 00:09:07.779
– so it was just this ownership of what

284
00:09:07.779 –> 00:09:09.460
– I did and the fact that I just

285
00:09:09.460 –> 00:09:11.139
– liked it. I was entitled to doing it,

286
00:09:11.139 –> 00:09:12.485
– and I thought I was gonna get away

287
00:09:12.485 –> 00:09:14.004
– with it. And, really, until I got caught,

288
00:09:14.004 –> 00:09:15.204
– I was probably just gonna keep doing it.

289
00:09:15.204 –> 00:09:17.684
– Right? Just that honesty of, like, rather than

290
00:09:17.684 –> 00:09:20.024
– doing the whole song and dance of, like,

291
00:09:20.404 –> 00:09:22.884
– making this some, you know, brain sickness, it

292
00:09:22.884 –> 00:09:24.804
– was like, listen. This is just this is

293
00:09:24.804 –> 00:09:26.110
– just what happened. This is what I did.

294
00:09:26.110 –> 00:09:27.629
– I can sugarcoat it. I can call it

295
00:09:27.629 –> 00:09:29.389
– something else. I can I can make it

296
00:09:29.389 –> 00:09:31.389
– all about trauma, but I mean, in the

297
00:09:31.389 –> 00:09:33.169
– end, like, if I’m gonna say it bluntly,

298
00:09:33.470 –> 00:09:35.149
– I felt entitled to be doing this stuff?

299
00:09:35.149 –> 00:09:36.429
– I wanted to do it. I thought I

300
00:09:36.429 –> 00:09:37.870
– was gonna get away with it. I liked

301
00:09:37.870 –> 00:09:40.034
– it. Truly, I did. I did. I now

302
00:09:40.034 –> 00:09:42.514
– realize now that I didn’t really like it.

303
00:09:42.514 –> 00:09:45.154
– Right? My pathologies and egos and parts of

304
00:09:45.154 –> 00:09:46.514
– me liked it. But in the end, I

305
00:09:46.514 –> 00:09:48.034
– mean, I chose to do it. That’s what

306
00:09:48.034 –> 00:09:49.714
– I was doing. And in the end, why

307
00:09:49.714 –> 00:09:51.394
– did I stop? Because I chose to stop.

308
00:09:51.394 –> 00:09:52.754
– Right? And it was just that ownership that

309
00:09:52.754 –> 00:09:55.399
– really changed. She just appreciated the honesty. She

310
00:09:55.399 –> 00:09:57.879
– appreciated the honesty. Right? Rather than always making

311
00:09:57.879 –> 00:09:59.720
– this something else, it was just like, nah,

312
00:09:59.720 –> 00:10:02.200
– you know what? I I did it. I’m

313
00:10:02.200 –> 00:10:03.559
– not proud of that. Right? And and I

314
00:10:03.559 –> 00:10:05.799
– hope that you can stay with me long

315
00:10:05.799 –> 00:10:06.299
– enough

316
00:10:06.679 –> 00:10:08.424
– for me to change. I hope that you

317
00:10:08.424 –> 00:10:10.345
– have patience long enough and you don’t divorce

318
00:10:10.345 –> 00:10:11.745
– me before I can show you that there’s

319
00:10:11.745 –> 00:10:13.625
– a more authentic version of me that doesn’t

320
00:10:13.625 –> 00:10:15.464
– cheat. Right? Now, so that’s like the marital

321
00:10:15.464 –> 00:10:17.565
– part, but I really wanna talk about why

322
00:10:17.944 –> 00:10:19.565
– that was kind of a nice byproduct,

323
00:10:20.230 –> 00:10:22.169
– saving the marriage. But I’ll tell you what

324
00:10:22.389 –> 00:10:24.789
– really changed for me was that type of

325
00:10:24.789 –> 00:10:25.289
– ownership

326
00:10:25.590 –> 00:10:26.649
– removed the shame

327
00:10:27.029 –> 00:10:27.529
– because

328
00:10:28.389 –> 00:10:31.370
– I instead of having it be this problem

329
00:10:31.429 –> 00:10:32.475
– that I had,

330
00:10:32.875 –> 00:10:35.674
– right, this affliction, this disease, this addiction, it

331
00:10:35.674 –> 00:10:37.595
– just turned into kinda like something that made

332
00:10:37.595 –> 00:10:38.495
– sense. Like,

333
00:10:38.954 –> 00:10:41.995
– I’ve always liked getting attention from women forever.

334
00:10:41.995 –> 00:10:43.834
– Like, that started in, like, middle school that

335
00:10:43.834 –> 00:10:45.340
– I was doing that. When I was in

336
00:10:45.340 –> 00:10:47.179
– relationships, I was always flirting. Right? It was

337
00:10:47.179 –> 00:10:48.940
– never hurt. One, the attention of my girlfriends

338
00:10:48.940 –> 00:10:50.540
– in high school was never enough. I always

339
00:10:50.540 –> 00:10:52.059
– needed the attention from all of the other

340
00:10:52.059 –> 00:10:53.899
– girls. Right? And that went on through college.

341
00:10:53.899 –> 00:10:55.820
– Right? Like and again, did that come from

342
00:10:55.820 –> 00:10:58.154
– childhood? Yes. I’m not saying that it didn’t.

343
00:10:58.315 –> 00:11:00.495
– But rather than having it be this pathological

344
00:11:01.035 –> 00:11:03.035
– excuse is which which is what it kinda

345
00:11:03.035 –> 00:11:03.935
– sounds like sometimes,

346
00:11:04.394 –> 00:11:05.754
– it was just straight up like this. Like,

347
00:11:05.754 –> 00:11:07.035
– this is I just had this pattern. Like,

348
00:11:07.035 –> 00:11:08.555
– I just I just used women. Like, that’s

349
00:11:08.555 –> 00:11:10.154
– just what I did. That’s what I did.

350
00:11:10.154 –> 00:11:11.595
– And then eventually, you know, I I never

351
00:11:11.595 –> 00:11:13.019
– cheated. And then one day I cheated. And

352
00:11:13.019 –> 00:11:15.179
– once I cheated, then I cheated some more

353
00:11:15.179 –> 00:11:17.259
– and more and more and more. And it

354
00:11:17.259 –> 00:11:19.120
– relieved the shame from me because

355
00:11:19.740 –> 00:11:22.459
– rather than having it be this complex series

356
00:11:22.459 –> 00:11:24.700
– of events of this of this problem that

357
00:11:24.700 –> 00:11:26.299
– I had, it was just like, no. Roland,

358
00:11:26.299 –> 00:11:28.004
– listen. This is what you did. You liked

359
00:11:28.004 –> 00:11:30.805
– attention from women. Once that became eventually, once

360
00:11:30.805 –> 00:11:32.644
– I started cheating, that became sexual. I liked

361
00:11:32.644 –> 00:11:34.884
– the combo. I liked their attention, and I

362
00:11:34.884 –> 00:11:37.445
– liked the novel sexual experience. It was fun.

363
00:11:37.445 –> 00:11:39.605
– It was taboo. It was against the rules.

364
00:11:39.605 –> 00:11:42.069
– It was it was exciting. It was. You

365
00:11:42.069 –> 00:11:43.589
– know, and I think too often in this

366
00:11:43.589 –> 00:11:44.089
– field,

367
00:11:44.789 –> 00:11:46.949
– we we shame the behavior and act like

368
00:11:46.949 –> 00:11:49.350
– you’re a monster for wanting it. I’m sorry.

369
00:11:49.350 –> 00:11:52.230
– Novel sexual experiences are exciting. They just are.

370
00:11:52.230 –> 00:11:54.044
– And for a lot of high achieving men,

371
00:11:54.204 –> 00:11:56.845
– breaking the rules, doing something bad, doing something

372
00:11:56.845 –> 00:11:58.524
– you’re not supposed to do, it that adds

373
00:11:58.524 –> 00:11:59.345
– to the excitement.

374
00:11:59.804 –> 00:12:01.884
– It just does. My wife will probably listen

375
00:12:01.884 –> 00:12:03.904
– to this episode, and it will probably sting

376
00:12:04.204 –> 00:12:05.804
– for her to hear that me say all

377
00:12:05.804 –> 00:12:08.204
– these things. It’s it’s just the truth. That’s

378
00:12:08.204 –> 00:12:10.360
– just the truth. You know? I can’t, you

379
00:12:10.360 –> 00:12:12.200
– know, to sit around here and act like

380
00:12:12.200 –> 00:12:14.519
– I’m, like, ashamed of what I’ve done, I

381
00:12:14.519 –> 00:12:16.840
– am ashamed of it. I am ashamed of

382
00:12:16.840 –> 00:12:18.759
– those actions. But to sit here and act

383
00:12:18.759 –> 00:12:20.600
– like I’m some sort of monster for wanting

384
00:12:20.600 –> 00:12:22.440
– to do those things, I’m sorry. All my

385
00:12:22.440 –> 00:12:24.644
– friends in school were doing talking about that

386
00:12:24.644 –> 00:12:27.445
– stuff. Every TV show, Superbad, is a movie

387
00:12:27.445 –> 00:12:29.365
– about two kids trying to get laid. Like,

388
00:12:29.365 –> 00:12:32.004
– this is just part of this male culture

389
00:12:32.004 –> 00:12:33.764
– that we need to change. And if I’m

390
00:12:33.764 –> 00:12:35.285
– gonna sit here and say that I am,

391
00:12:35.285 –> 00:12:36.345
– like, some delusional,

392
00:12:36.870 –> 00:12:38.389
– you know, bad person for wanting to do

393
00:12:38.389 –> 00:12:39.750
– this, I’m sorry. When I was in middle

394
00:12:39.750 –> 00:12:41.589
– school, I felt pretty damn normal. When I

395
00:12:41.589 –> 00:12:43.190
– was in college, I felt pretty damn normal.

396
00:12:43.190 –> 00:12:44.389
– And honestly, when I was going to the

397
00:12:44.389 –> 00:12:44.889
– conferences

398
00:12:45.350 –> 00:12:46.710
– and hanging out with all the guys at

399
00:12:46.710 –> 00:12:49.350
– financial services conferences, they were all cheating too

400
00:12:49.350 –> 00:12:51.029
– and going to strip clubs and talking about

401
00:12:51.029 –> 00:12:53.254
– women. And it’s just the thing that was

402
00:12:53.254 –> 00:12:55.254
– going on. It’s it’s not okay. It needs

403
00:12:55.254 –> 00:12:58.054
– to change. It’s it’s it’s it’s very childish.

404
00:12:58.054 –> 00:13:00.294
– It’s very pathetic behavior. But at the same

405
00:13:00.294 –> 00:13:02.855
– time, it’s kind of what guys were doing.

406
00:13:02.855 –> 00:13:05.575
– They were conquesting after women and eventually in

407
00:13:05.575 –> 00:13:08.129
– their marriage, cheating and kind of doing really

408
00:13:08.129 –> 00:13:09.410
– what they were doing in middle school and

409
00:13:09.410 –> 00:13:11.410
– high school, now as a full grown man

410
00:13:11.410 –> 00:13:13.649
– just lying and hiding it. Right? And so

411
00:13:13.649 –> 00:13:15.330
– my my point of all this was it

412
00:13:15.330 –> 00:13:17.090
– relieved shame. And I know it sounds kind

413
00:13:17.090 –> 00:13:18.850
– of weird. Like, why would that relieve shame?

414
00:13:18.850 –> 00:13:20.995
– Like, me me owning that I was you

415
00:13:20.995 –> 00:13:22.274
– know, I don’t like to call myself an

416
00:13:22.274 –> 00:13:23.794
– asshole because I don’t think I am one.

417
00:13:23.794 –> 00:13:25.634
– I think I’m a good person, just like

418
00:13:25.634 –> 00:13:27.634
– everybody listening to this. I don’t think there

419
00:13:27.634 –> 00:13:28.995
– are bad people in this world. I think

420
00:13:28.995 –> 00:13:30.355
– we’re all just trying to do the best

421
00:13:30.355 –> 00:13:32.434
– we can. Did I act like an selfish

422
00:13:32.434 –> 00:13:34.754
– asshole? Sure. I’ll let somebody say that about

423
00:13:34.754 –> 00:13:37.590
– me, because I absolutely did. I absolutely acted

424
00:13:37.590 –> 00:13:39.590
– like an entitled guy who looked for his

425
00:13:39.590 –> 00:13:41.350
– pleasure and his joy, and I did not

426
00:13:41.350 –> 00:13:43.350
– consider my wife and her feelings and really

427
00:13:43.350 –> 00:13:44.790
– what this was gonna do to her. You

428
00:13:44.790 –> 00:13:46.070
– know, my wife has said that to me.

429
00:13:46.070 –> 00:13:47.830
– How could you just do this and think

430
00:13:47.830 –> 00:13:50.465
– that this wasn’t gonna absolutely destroy me? And

431
00:13:50.465 –> 00:13:52.144
– you know what the honest answer is to

432
00:13:52.144 –> 00:13:53.285
– that? I didn’t.

433
00:13:53.745 –> 00:13:55.904
– I didn’t think about you. I didn’t think

434
00:13:55.904 –> 00:13:57.825
– about how you felt. I thought about me,

435
00:13:57.825 –> 00:14:00.165
– my life, my pleasure, my joy, my novelty,

436
00:14:00.225 –> 00:14:01.904
– and what I wanted to do when I

437
00:14:01.904 –> 00:14:04.225
– went on that work trip. Right? And that’s

438
00:14:04.225 –> 00:14:06.240
– the truth. That’s not fun to hear, but

439
00:14:06.240 –> 00:14:07.839
– the the truth is I did not think

440
00:14:07.839 –> 00:14:09.759
– about her, and I did not think about

441
00:14:09.759 –> 00:14:11.519
– what would happen if she ever caught me.

442
00:14:11.519 –> 00:14:12.720
– So, you know, as as I’m listening to

443
00:14:12.720 –> 00:14:14.240
– this, I hope the essence of what I’m

444
00:14:14.240 –> 00:14:16.079
– sharing with you guys today made sense. In

445
00:14:16.079 –> 00:14:17.600
– no way am I saying that everything that

446
00:14:17.600 –> 00:14:19.360
– y’all have done in recovery was a waste.

447
00:14:19.360 –> 00:14:21.585
– I’m not saying that. I’m just saying sometimes

448
00:14:21.585 –> 00:14:23.845
– we have to remember that this isn’t recovery.

449
00:14:24.144 –> 00:14:25.125
– This is our life.

450
00:14:25.825 –> 00:14:27.845
– This isn’t therapy. This is your marriage.

451
00:14:28.225 –> 00:14:30.545
– Right? Like sometimes we can get lost in

452
00:14:30.545 –> 00:14:33.024
– the words and the exercises and the kind

453
00:14:33.024 –> 00:14:34.804
– of content of recovery.

454
00:14:35.420 –> 00:14:37.100
– But in the end, your wife wants to

455
00:14:37.100 –> 00:14:39.100
– know the truth, and and and she wants

456
00:14:39.100 –> 00:14:41.340
– ownership. And to me, it’s the cure to

457
00:14:41.340 –> 00:14:43.820
– shame as well. Just own where you’ve gotten.

458
00:14:43.820 –> 00:14:45.980
– Own what’s happened. Own what you did. I

459
00:14:45.980 –> 00:14:48.240
– think sometimes we we pretend to be

460
00:14:48.884 –> 00:14:51.285
– these scripts rather than actually just owning the

461
00:14:51.285 –> 00:14:53.285
– facts of what actually happened. And I think

462
00:14:53.285 –> 00:14:55.445
– I think it’s refreshing for your wife to

463
00:14:55.445 –> 00:14:57.365
– hear the ownership, and I think it’s refreshing

464
00:14:57.365 –> 00:14:59.845
– for you from a shame perspective to just

465
00:14:59.845 –> 00:15:01.365
– look at this and say, yeah. I got

466
00:15:01.365 –> 00:15:03.059
– to this place. And then, Yes, now do

467
00:15:03.059 –> 00:15:04.659
– the recovery work. How did I get here?

468
00:15:04.659 –> 00:15:06.100
– What happened? But I also don’t think it

469
00:15:06.100 –> 00:15:08.360
– needs to be super complex. I think sometimes

470
00:15:08.419 –> 00:15:09.779
– we just get into middle school, all our

471
00:15:09.779 –> 00:15:11.860
– friends are talking about getting into girls’ pants.

472
00:15:11.860 –> 00:15:13.379
– You get in high school, they’re even trying

473
00:15:13.539 –> 00:15:14.819
– they’re trying even harder to get in girls’

474
00:15:14.819 –> 00:15:16.419
– pants. You go to college, they’re trying really

475
00:15:16.419 –> 00:15:18.175
– hard to get in girls’ pants. I think

476
00:15:18.175 –> 00:15:20.675
– that that’s just kind of the energy sometimes

477
00:15:20.735 –> 00:15:21.795
– in male culture.

478
00:15:22.175 –> 00:15:23.855
– And again, it’s not okay, but at the

479
00:15:23.855 –> 00:15:25.855
– same time, when it becomes normalized, when it

480
00:15:25.855 –> 00:15:28.175
– becomes such an emphasis and a focus, we

481
00:15:28.175 –> 00:15:29.934
– feel like we need to participate in that.

482
00:15:29.934 –> 00:15:31.295
– And then we feel like we’re missing out

483
00:15:31.295 –> 00:15:32.909
– on something. We feel like there’s experiences that

484
00:15:32.909 –> 00:15:34.190
– people are having that we need to have

485
00:15:34.190 –> 00:15:36.509
– more of. And I think sometimes we just

486
00:15:36.509 –> 00:15:38.429
– go after getting those experiences, and we don’t

487
00:15:38.429 –> 00:15:40.589
– consider the lives of other people that we’re

488
00:15:40.589 –> 00:15:42.269
– gonna hurt along the process and the women

489
00:15:42.269 –> 00:15:44.190
– we’re using for our own pleasure. And I

490
00:15:44.190 –> 00:15:46.029
– think sometimes we just need to own it

491
00:15:46.029 –> 00:15:48.195
– for the fact that it is. It’s that

492
00:15:48.195 –> 00:15:49.254
– that’s what happened,

493
00:15:49.555 –> 00:15:51.154
– you know? And rather than blaming it on

494
00:15:51.154 –> 00:15:52.595
– trauma and blaming it on this and blaming

495
00:15:52.595 –> 00:15:54.274
– it on that, those things are real. But

496
00:15:54.274 –> 00:15:55.894
– in the end, you still did

497
00:15:56.274 –> 00:15:58.455
– what I said. You still made these decisions.

498
00:15:59.315 –> 00:16:01.394
– You still made these decisions, and you still

499
00:16:01.394 –> 00:16:03.075
– knew what you were doing, and you chose

500
00:16:03.075 –> 00:16:05.610
– to hide it. Right? So every basically two

501
00:16:05.610 –> 00:16:06.889
– things can be true. I just wanna make

502
00:16:06.889 –> 00:16:08.970
– sure that we don’t get lost in the

503
00:16:08.970 –> 00:16:12.169
– nuances and excuses and patterns and, you know,

504
00:16:12.169 –> 00:16:14.649
– the sex addiction terminology. Just remember back in

505
00:16:14.649 –> 00:16:16.169
– the end of all of this, we’re humans

506
00:16:16.169 –> 00:16:17.690
– doing the best we can. I think there’s

507
00:16:17.690 –> 00:16:19.414
– a level of ownership there that that your

508
00:16:19.414 –> 00:16:20.615
– wife will appreciate, and I think there’s a

509
00:16:20.615 –> 00:16:22.554
– level of ownership that you owe yourself

510
00:16:22.934 –> 00:16:23.754
– in your recovery.

511
00:16:25.254 –> 00:16:27.414
– Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

512
00:16:27.414 –> 00:16:29.174
– are a high achiever of the sex addiction

513
00:16:29.174 –> 00:16:30.934
– and you’re looking for a recovery group full

514
00:16:30.934 –> 00:16:34.049
– of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

515
00:16:34.049 –> 00:16:36.929
– We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

516
00:16:36.929 –> 00:16:38.149
– using four day retreats,

517
00:16:38.529 –> 00:16:41.330
– weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

518
00:16:41.330 –> 00:16:43.490
– If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

519
00:16:43.490 –> 00:16:45.424
– save your marriage, go to our website and

520
00:16:45.424 –> 00:16:47.745
– fill out an application. If you enjoyed this

521
00:16:47.745 –> 00:16:49.985
– episode, please pass it along to a friend

522
00:16:49.985 –> 00:16:51.904
– in recovery who would benefit from listening. It

523
00:16:51.904 –> 00:16:53.745
– is my mission to get this information out

524
00:16:53.745 –> 00:16:56.144
– to as many high achievers as possible, and

525
00:16:56.144 –> 00:16:57.764
– I can’t do it without your help.