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What happens so often is a lot of

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high achieving men go to a meeting, they

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look around and like, oh my gosh, these

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guys have a very different addiction than me,

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they don’t feel connected, oftentimes it feels like,

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it’d be like an alcoholic go into a

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gambling, it’s like man, I just don’t have

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this problem, these guys have a totally different

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problem than me, I don’t relate to

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any of their shares. So you’re not getting

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connection. You’re not getting connection. So don’t go.

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Find men who you can connect with. Find

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men who actually have the same addiction as

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you. So I’m going on this rant only

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because it really upsets me that this is

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a freaking

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issue.

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You are listening to the sex addiction podcast

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for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.

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This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and

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recovery principles

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principles

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specifically to the mindset of the high achiever.

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I’m your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The

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Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving

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men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For

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more information about joining our group or attending

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our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.

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And now, enjoy the rest of the episode.

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So I’m recording this episode from a hotel

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room, and I always travel with my podcast

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setup because I know things like this happen,

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and I wanna be able to capture them

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in real time. So

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I am about to go on a rant,

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and I don’t post ranting episodes

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often because I don’t wanna offend anybody, but

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sometimes the things just need to be said.

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And when I hear things from four guys

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in a row, which was what just happened,

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I had four guys call me, three yesterday,

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one today. Four for four had the same

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complaint.

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They all said,

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a, I don’t feel like I’m actually recovered.

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I feel like I still wanna do all

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the things that I wanna do. I’m just

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not doing it. Right? Two of the guys

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one guy had a slip. Kinda hate that

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word, but one guy had, like, a legit

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relapse. And then two of the guys are

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actually sober.

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Right? And it’s always interesting to people. Why

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are sober guys joining your program? Because my

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program is a recovery program, not a sobriety

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program. We don’t collect chips. I don’t count

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sober days. To me, all that crap’s a

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distraction. You know, when we’re talking about compulsive

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sexual behaviors or or just cheating in general,

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I think collecting chips is silly. And it’s

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because I think most guys aren’t addicts. And

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And if you’ve listened to my podcast and

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then read my book, you know how I

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believe this. I think there are some guys

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who are addicted to sex, but I think

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a lot of guys aren’t addicted to sex.

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And I think if you’re not addicted, you

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need to have a very different recovery setup.

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And these guys call me, and they’re so

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freaking frustrated because they’ve been doing everything

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right by the book. Right? They’re going to

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12 step meeting a week, sometimes twice a

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week. They’re seeing their CSAT weekly. They have

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a couple CSAT they’re going to. Their wife

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is often seeing a CSAT or an APSAT

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specialist. Right? So they’ve done the whole disclosure,

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all the letters, the workbooks. A lot of

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the guys have actually been to treatment for

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two, three weeks. And here they are kinda

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not really changed.

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And it’s tough. Right? Because the problem with

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calling and here’s why I’m kind of into

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not calling this an addiction.

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Is if we call it addiction and you’re

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not an addict, then if you’re not acting

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out, there’s this perception that you’re sober.

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And that’s why so many freaking guys relapse.

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They so many guys relapse.

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I would say the majority of guys calling

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me, they got discovered a year ago, two

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years ago, three years ago, five years ago,

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and they relapsed.

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That’s probably ninety percent of the guys in

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my program. And the reason they’re calling me

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is I have a very intense approach to

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this whole thing, and it actually freaking works.

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If you’re a high achiever, an entrepreneur,

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and you’re not necessarily addicted in the sense

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that when you get caught you can stop,

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you’re not an addict. Right? One of the

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things that kinda makes me laugh a little

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bit is I hear you guys have probably

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heard this. A lot of CSATs will say,

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getting sober is the easy part. Staying sober

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is the hard part. I laugh a little

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bit because a lot of people get mad

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at me for

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not saying that a lot of men are

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not addicted. And they kinda get angry with

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me for saying that because they’re like, you’re

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not you’re not you’re hurting these men. They’re

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addicted. You need to stop saying that. But

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listen to that statement though. And you guys

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have probably heard this. It’s it’s said in

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the podcast. It It said, off the right,

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getting sober is the easy part. Staying sober

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is the hard part. Go say that to

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a real addict. You’ll offend them. Seriously, a

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real sex addict, a real porn addict, somebody

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who’s truly addicted.

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It was not easy for them to get

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sober. Go to a drug addict or an

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alcoholic

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and you tell them that, oh, getting sober

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is the easy part. Staying sober is the

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hard part. No, it’s not. If you’re an

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addict, getting sober is the hard part. Right?

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And so, I think that statement just validates

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my stance on this. I don’t by definition,

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if you get caught and you can stop,

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you’re just not you’re not an addict. If

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you were addicted,

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getting caught wouldn’t be enough for you to

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stop. You would continue to act out every

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few days because you’re addicted. And so, I’m

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gonna go on this rant today because four

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for four, and this and this isn’t rare.

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I would say most guys who call me,

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they’re they’re very frustrated because they’re trying their

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hardest to recover, and it’s not working.

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And it’s because I personally don’t think that

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they’re, and I’m I’m gonna go on this

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freaking rant today. I’m probably gonna upset a

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lot of people, but I just, it needs

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to be said because families are on the

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line here. Custody of your kids is on

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the line here. The marriage to your soulmate

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is on the line here. This crap needs

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to be said. If the relapse is at

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seventy percent rate, which it is, some say

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it might even be higher because these guys

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are lying about their sobriety. That says to

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me, this isn’t working. We need to look

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at this and make sure it’s working. If

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it’s working, great. Then turn this podcast off.

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But if it’s not working, let’s talk about

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it. It just annoys me how p c

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we have to be with telling, hey. Oh,

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well, keep going to 12 step. Listen. 12

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step does two things. It’s an abstinence based

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program. So if you are truly an addict,

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then 12 step could work for you because

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it’s an abstinence based program. So it’s been

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proven to work for alcohol. It hasn’t been

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proven to work for sex addiction. You guys

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have probably seen that. There’s not a lot

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of a lot of relapse in those rooms.

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But it has been proven to work for

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substance addiction. So if you’re an addict, a

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true sex or porn addict, then it actually

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could work for you. And the second reason

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you would go to twelve step would be

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to connect. To have men in your life

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that you can connect with, lean on, that

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you relate to, and form friendships with. Because

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we know this issue is I talk about

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that in other episodes. You guys have heard

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it. But it is it’s driven by a

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lack of people to talk to about this.

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And then we rely on our own thoughts,

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and the problem is our own thoughts are

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influenced by wherever they’re influenced and we make

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bad decisions. So if you’re not getting connection

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in that room, then why are you going

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to 12 step? Right? If you’re not connecting

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and you’re not an addict, right, you you

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got sober and you’re not addicted to these

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behaviors and you’re not connecting. What’s going on

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now? And I’m not saying that you don’t

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need connection. You do. I’m just saying go

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find connection then. And it needs to be

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real connection, you guys. It needs to be

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vulnerable. These guys need to know about your

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cheating. They need to know about your porn

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use,

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prostitute use, massage parlor use. And a lot

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of guys are like, well, I I can’t

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tell my friends that. I get it. I

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get it. You know, I can’t tell it.

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I have to keep it secret because of

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the damage it would cause my career. I

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get that. But you need to find people

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that you need to find guys you can

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share it with. Right? And that’s that was

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why I started my program was it was

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like, okay. Let’s create something different here. Let’s

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create a connection. If connection is what cures

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men, let’s freaking connect then. What’s connection look

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like coming out to freaking Sedona, Arizona and

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connecting?

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Forming friendships, getting vulnerable, going deep, being introspective,

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talking about how we feel. Right? Being honest,

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saying things that you wouldn’t tell people.

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Right? The embarrassing stuff you wouldn’t say. So

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I’m going on this rant just because I

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do think a lot of guys are not

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in great recovery, and I blame a lot

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of things. I think we tell them what

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great recovery is, and I don’t think that

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actually is often great recovery. I think great

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recovery depends on the guy because and here’s

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another reason why I don’t like calling this

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sex addiction is this is a freaking process

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addiction. That’s how it’s medically classified, a process

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addiction. There’s no chemical entering the body. It’s

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a thought process. And this is why when

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you go to a meeting or a room

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where you see guys, there’s a lot of

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guys with a lot of different processes. Right?

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Some guys are spying on people through their

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windows and installing cameras in the bathroom. Some

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guys are masturbating all the freaking time watching

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porn all the freaking time. It’s costing them

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relationships, their careers. And then you got the

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other spectrum of the guys, which is a

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lot of the guys in my program, like

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more of these high achieving men where, you

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know, it’s not really an addiction as much

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as it’s they use women for attention, validation,

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status, their image. Right? And so they’re sometimes

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I only like to call them compulsive because

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oftentimes they’re not compulsive. They’re just screwed up

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in the head, and they think that they

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have this entitlement where they can just go

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and sleep with hot women, have an affair

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here, have an affair there. They just have

247
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this entitlement of going around and abusing women

248
00:07:56,870 –> 00:07:59,110
and expressing themselves sexually and then they feel

249
00:07:59,110 –> 00:08:00,650
that they have the right to hide it.

250
00:08:00,710 –> 00:08:02,710
Right? That’s still a problem and that still

251
00:08:02,710 –> 00:08:05,509
needs treatment. It’s just, will twelve step treat

252
00:08:05,509 –> 00:08:07,834
a guy like that? Maybe, maybe not. I

253
00:08:07,834 –> 00:08:09,115
guess it depends on who’s your in your

254
00:08:09,115 –> 00:08:10,394
groups. Right? I know a lot of guys

255
00:08:10,394 –> 00:08:12,875
who are in, like, very wealthy areas, and

256
00:08:12,875 –> 00:08:14,555
they do find other high achieving men to

257
00:08:14,555 –> 00:08:16,154
connect with that they really relate to in

258
00:08:16,154 –> 00:08:17,595
those rooms. And so that’s where it’s like,

259
00:08:17,595 –> 00:08:18,954
I always say, hey, go give Twelve Step

260
00:08:18,954 –> 00:08:20,475
a try. You never know who’s gonna be

261
00:08:20,475 –> 00:08:22,389
there. What happens so often is a lot

262
00:08:22,389 –> 00:08:24,170
of high achieving men go to a meeting.

263
00:08:24,389 –> 00:08:25,430
They look around and they’re like, oh my

264
00:08:25,430 –> 00:08:27,029
gosh, these guys have a very different addiction

265
00:08:27,029 –> 00:08:29,350
than me. They don’t feel connected. Oftentimes, it

266
00:08:29,350 –> 00:08:31,270
feels like it’d be like an alcoholic going

267
00:08:31,270 –> 00:08:33,190
to a gambling. It’s like, man, I just

268
00:08:33,190 –> 00:08:34,595
don’t have this problem. These guys have a

269
00:08:34,595 –> 00:08:36,034
totally different problem than me. I don’t relate

270
00:08:36,034 –> 00:08:37,634
to any of their shares. So you’re not

271
00:08:37,634 –> 00:08:38,294
getting connection.

272
00:08:38,595 –> 00:08:40,595
You’re not getting connection. So don’t go. Find

273
00:08:40,595 –> 00:08:42,274
men who you can connect with. Find men

274
00:08:42,274 –> 00:08:44,115
who actually have the same addiction as you.

275
00:08:44,115 –> 00:08:46,054
So I’m going on this rant only because

276
00:08:46,429 –> 00:08:48,990
it really upsets me that this is a

277
00:08:48,990 –> 00:08:51,470
freaking issue. Why on earth would a guy

278
00:08:51,470 –> 00:08:53,009
who’s in two years of recovery,

279
00:08:53,549 –> 00:08:55,870
gone through the disclosure process, seeing a CSAT

280
00:08:55,870 –> 00:08:58,110
every week, every other week, couple CSAT, wife

281
00:08:58,110 –> 00:09:00,129
has a CSAT or an APSAT specialist.

282
00:09:00,745 –> 00:09:02,504
Why are these guys calling me two years

283
00:09:02,504 –> 00:09:04,045
later either a relapsing

284
00:09:04,585 –> 00:09:06,985
or b you know still sober but not

285
00:09:06,985 –> 00:09:07,965
really sober?

286
00:09:08,504 –> 00:09:10,105
Enough to call me and join one of

287
00:09:10,105 –> 00:09:11,485
the more intense programs.

288
00:09:12,184 –> 00:09:13,945
I have a very involved intense program. Why

289
00:09:13,945 –> 00:09:15,625
are they calling me two years deep when

290
00:09:15,625 –> 00:09:18,029
they haven’t relapsed? It’s because they they aren’t

291
00:09:18,029 –> 00:09:19,949
recovered and they know it. The last thing

292
00:09:19,949 –> 00:09:21,870
I wanna say on this rant is, listen,

293
00:09:21,870 –> 00:09:23,549
take your recovery in your own hands. If

294
00:09:23,549 –> 00:09:25,309
it’s not working, if you don’t feel like

295
00:09:25,309 –> 00:09:27,009
they get it, a lot of the guys

296
00:09:27,069 –> 00:09:29,309
feel like they’re being treated like an addict

297
00:09:29,309 –> 00:09:30,990
and they’re being forced to be an addict.

298
00:09:30,990 –> 00:09:32,965
Their CSATs are saying, oh no, you’re an

299
00:09:32,965 –> 00:09:35,125
addict. You’re just in denial. You have a

300
00:09:35,125 –> 00:09:37,285
brain illness, and you can’t think straight. And

301
00:09:37,285 –> 00:09:38,725
the guy’s like, well, I don’t know. Pretty

302
00:09:38,725 –> 00:09:40,485
sure I’m not addicted. You know, a lot

303
00:09:40,485 –> 00:09:42,485
of evidence would suggest that I’m not. And

304
00:09:42,485 –> 00:09:44,004
the therapist is like, oh yes, you are.

305
00:09:44,004 –> 00:09:45,720
And so again, if that’s what’s going on,

306
00:09:45,720 –> 00:09:47,800
find another therapist who will allow you to

307
00:09:47,800 –> 00:09:49,879
not be addicted, who will allow you to

308
00:09:49,879 –> 00:09:52,440
be compulsive or a chronic cheater or whatever

309
00:09:52,440 –> 00:09:54,200
it is that you wanna call it. Right?

310
00:09:54,200 –> 00:09:56,220
To me, what a lot of these successful

311
00:09:56,279 –> 00:09:59,740
men have is an addiction to external validation

312
00:10:00,184 –> 00:10:01,004
and they place

313
00:10:01,384 –> 00:10:04,024
the validation of women and other accomplished men

314
00:10:04,024 –> 00:10:05,625
at the top of the list. To the

315
00:10:05,625 –> 00:10:07,725
point where they’re actually willing to do anything

316
00:10:07,784 –> 00:10:11,065
to get successful men and attractive women to

317
00:10:11,065 –> 00:10:13,065
validate them to points where they’re actually willing

318
00:10:13,065 –> 00:10:15,065
to compromise their morals and values to get

319
00:10:15,065 –> 00:10:15,725
that validation.

320
00:10:16,080 –> 00:10:17,600
That’s what most of the guys in my

321
00:10:17,600 –> 00:10:19,120
program, you know, I do have a few

322
00:10:19,120 –> 00:10:20,720
addicts, but most of the guys in my

323
00:10:20,720 –> 00:10:21,220
program,

324
00:10:21,600 –> 00:10:24,960
that’s their problem. They’re addicted to assembling this

325
00:10:24,960 –> 00:10:26,720
epic story in their head of how many

326
00:10:26,720 –> 00:10:29,120
novel experiences they’ve had, how many compliments they’ve

327
00:10:29,120 –> 00:10:32,115
received, how many sexual experiences they’ve had, how

328
00:10:32,115 –> 00:10:33,795
many women want them, how many guys are

329
00:10:33,795 –> 00:10:36,355
impressed by them. Right? It’s this collection of

330
00:10:36,355 –> 00:10:38,595
accomplishments so that they can end the day

331
00:10:38,595 –> 00:10:41,894
feeling like they are whatever. Special, unique,

332
00:10:42,379 –> 00:10:45,500
superior, accomplished. Right? Everybody admires them. Whatever this

333
00:10:45,500 –> 00:10:47,580
narrative is in their head, that’s their process

334
00:10:47,580 –> 00:10:49,340
addiction. And so I’m going on this rant

335
00:10:49,340 –> 00:10:51,419
only because what’s your problem and then go

336
00:10:51,419 –> 00:10:53,980
fix that problem. Okay? Don’t let somebody else

337
00:10:53,980 –> 00:10:56,075
tell you what your freaking problem is. But

338
00:10:56,075 –> 00:10:57,835
I wanna say one thing, and this one’s

339
00:10:57,835 –> 00:11:00,075
to kind of validate both you guys and

340
00:11:00,075 –> 00:11:03,115
the betrayed women. Women often say, I don’t

341
00:11:03,115 –> 00:11:04,475
feel like he’s in good recovery. And the

342
00:11:04,475 –> 00:11:06,154
guy is so frustrated because he’s like, what

343
00:11:06,154 –> 00:11:07,514
are you talking about? I’m going to two

344
00:11:07,514 –> 00:11:09,449
twelve step meetings a week or or one

345
00:11:09,449 –> 00:11:11,129
twelve step meeting. I’m going to 12 step.

346
00:11:11,129 –> 00:11:13,529
I’m I’m seeing my CSAT regularly. I have

347
00:11:13,529 –> 00:11:14,970
for over a year now. Like, what do

348
00:11:14,970 –> 00:11:16,509
you mean I’m not in good recovery?

349
00:11:16,809 –> 00:11:18,809
I kinda wanna validate them. Now, again, this

350
00:11:18,809 –> 00:11:20,569
doesn’t apply to everybody, but I kinda wanna

351
00:11:20,569 –> 00:11:22,809
validate these women. I think sometimes their nervous

352
00:11:22,809 –> 00:11:24,269
system’s actually right.

353
00:11:25,024 –> 00:11:27,825
I think deep down, they know their husband’s

354
00:11:27,825 –> 00:11:29,904
not an addict. He is a he’s whatever

355
00:11:29,904 –> 00:11:31,904
we wanna call it. Chronic cheater, addicted to

356
00:11:31,904 –> 00:11:32,644
getting attention,

357
00:11:33,024 –> 00:11:35,345
impressing people, showing off to people, getting them

358
00:11:35,345 –> 00:11:37,745
to think he’s special and great, and being

359
00:11:37,745 –> 00:11:40,509
all charismatic and charming others. And I think

360
00:11:40,509 –> 00:11:42,190
their wives know this. I think their nervous

361
00:11:42,190 –> 00:11:44,029
system knows this. I think it gets real

362
00:11:44,029 –> 00:11:46,209
complicated because so many of the podcasts

363
00:11:46,589 –> 00:11:48,450
and the books and the workbooks and everything

364
00:11:48,829 –> 00:11:50,589
force these guys to be an addict. Right?

365
00:11:50,589 –> 00:11:53,054
They’re coping. They’re using these activities as a

366
00:11:53,294 –> 00:11:55,534
coping mechanism for their negative emotions and they’re

367
00:11:55,534 –> 00:11:58,014
and they’re addicted and all this stuff. And

368
00:11:58,014 –> 00:11:59,534
you need to do nightly check ins because

369
00:11:59,534 –> 00:12:00,894
he’s such an addict. He just wants to

370
00:12:00,894 –> 00:12:02,575
have sex with everybody he sees. And it’s

371
00:12:02,575 –> 00:12:05,134
just I don’t necessarily think that that’s true.

372
00:12:05,134 –> 00:12:06,894
And I think these ladies, their nervous system

373
00:12:06,894 –> 00:12:08,389
kinda knows it. It’s like, I don’t know

374
00:12:08,389 –> 00:12:10,070
if he’s actually has that problem. So their

375
00:12:10,070 –> 00:12:11,910
system’s saying he’s not in good recovery. I

376
00:12:11,910 –> 00:12:14,470
wonder if their system’s right sometimes. Now again,

377
00:12:14,470 –> 00:12:15,750
this isn’t every guy, but I wonder if

378
00:12:15,750 –> 00:12:17,830
these ladies are like, I don’t think he’s

379
00:12:17,830 –> 00:12:19,350
changed. And the guy’s sitting here like, what

380
00:12:19,350 –> 00:12:20,790
are you freaking talking about? What do I

381
00:12:20,790 –> 00:12:23,004
need to do? And she oftentimes, these ladies

382
00:12:23,004 –> 00:12:24,764
are equally frustrated because they don’t know how

383
00:12:24,764 –> 00:12:26,605
to articulate. They usually say, it’s just a

384
00:12:26,605 –> 00:12:28,845
feeling I have. But I think sometimes their

385
00:12:28,845 –> 00:12:30,764
feeling is right. I think the things that

386
00:12:30,764 –> 00:12:32,785
actually caused them to cheat,

387
00:12:33,325 –> 00:12:35,105
act out, have an affair, whatever,

388
00:12:35,590 –> 00:12:38,389
sometimes haven’t changed. They still hold the attention

389
00:12:38,389 –> 00:12:40,490
of these women in in very high value.

390
00:12:40,870 –> 00:12:43,429
They’re trying not to engage in it, but,

391
00:12:43,429 –> 00:12:46,230
like, deep down that belief hasn’t changed. I

392
00:12:46,230 –> 00:12:48,674
think they still want to impress people, and

393
00:12:48,674 –> 00:12:50,774
that’s very important to them to be accomplished,

394
00:12:50,835 –> 00:12:52,134
superior, impressive.

395
00:12:52,514 –> 00:12:55,154
And if those things haven’t changed and remodeled

396
00:12:55,154 –> 00:12:56,674
to the point where you’re actually gonna act

397
00:12:56,674 –> 00:12:57,414
in integrity

398
00:12:58,115 –> 00:13:00,195
rather than trying to impress people, please people

399
00:13:00,195 –> 00:13:02,514
at all costs, be superior. Right? Because what

400
00:13:02,514 –> 00:13:04,375
does the media tell us about being superior?

401
00:13:04,379 –> 00:13:06,620
Get rich and get attractive. And then get

402
00:13:06,620 –> 00:13:08,620
the evidence. Right? So get the money and

403
00:13:08,620 –> 00:13:09,899
then get evidence that you have a lot

404
00:13:09,899 –> 00:13:11,580
of money. Right? That people think you have

405
00:13:11,580 –> 00:13:13,440
a lot of money. And then get attractive.

406
00:13:13,660 –> 00:13:15,580
And then get the evidence that you’re attractive.

407
00:13:15,580 –> 00:13:17,820
Well, what’s that evidence? Women lusting after you.

408
00:13:17,820 –> 00:13:19,740
Women wanting to sleep with you. Women giving

409
00:13:19,740 –> 00:13:21,975
you attention. Right? So that’s kind of how

410
00:13:22,034 –> 00:13:23,174
these men are groomed.

411
00:13:23,634 –> 00:13:25,794
And a lot of the traditional kind of

412
00:13:25,794 –> 00:13:28,514
treatment models focus because again, they’re so focused

413
00:13:28,514 –> 00:13:31,074
on this being an addiction. Sometimes it’s like,

414
00:13:31,074 –> 00:13:33,875
oh, sobriety, sobriety, you’re an addict. You’re gonna

415
00:13:33,875 –> 00:13:35,554
have sex with somebody at any second because

416
00:13:35,554 –> 00:13:37,370
you’re addicted. And I think again, I think

417
00:13:37,370 –> 00:13:39,049
that can kinda be distracting. I think that’s

418
00:13:39,049 –> 00:13:40,649
what a lot of these women feel. They’re

419
00:13:40,649 –> 00:13:42,490
like, I don’t think he’s in good recovery.

420
00:13:42,490 –> 00:13:43,850
What I’ve learned is, I wonder if these

421
00:13:43,850 –> 00:13:45,450
women are right. They know their husbands really,

422
00:13:45,450 –> 00:13:47,610
really well. They pick up on these they

423
00:13:47,610 –> 00:13:49,450
see these patterns. It’s like, what’s he doing

424
00:13:49,450 –> 00:13:50,894
right there? Why is he why is he

425
00:13:50,894 –> 00:13:52,334
smiling like that? He doesn’t smile like that

426
00:13:52,334 –> 00:13:54,414
at home. Why is he laughing? I’ve never

427
00:13:54,414 –> 00:13:56,414
heard that laugh before. What is that laugh?

428
00:13:56,414 –> 00:13:58,014
That’s the fakest laugh I’ve ever heard. And

429
00:13:58,014 –> 00:14:00,414
so their nervous system picks up on this

430
00:14:00,414 –> 00:14:02,815
guy’s desperation to get this person’s approval or

431
00:14:02,815 –> 00:14:03,954
get this person’s attention.

432
00:14:04,320 –> 00:14:05,600
The way he he’s like, here he is

433
00:14:05,600 –> 00:14:06,799
dressing a certain way and then over here

434
00:14:06,799 –> 00:14:08,080
all of a sudden he’s dressing and acting

435
00:14:08,080 –> 00:14:09,840
a different way. So I do I often

436
00:14:09,840 –> 00:14:12,080
wonder sometimes if these ladies are right. It’s

437
00:14:12,080 –> 00:14:14,160
like and again, they’re not saying this, but

438
00:14:14,160 –> 00:14:15,600
their body’s feeling it. I don’t know if

439
00:14:15,600 –> 00:14:17,985
his process addiction’s changed. He’s sober. He hasn’t

440
00:14:17,985 –> 00:14:19,665
acted out. I don’t know if it’s changed.

441
00:14:19,665 –> 00:14:21,264
Right? My wife said that all the time.

442
00:14:21,264 –> 00:14:23,684
I trust him to not act out blatantly,

443
00:14:24,144 –> 00:14:26,065
but what I don’t necessarily trust is can

444
00:14:26,065 –> 00:14:28,144
he resist it if it was presented or

445
00:14:28,144 –> 00:14:29,745
done to him. Right? She’s like, I I

446
00:14:29,745 –> 00:14:31,184
trust him not to seek it out, but

447
00:14:31,184 –> 00:14:32,769
do I trust him to stop it if

448
00:14:32,769 –> 00:14:35,029
it was presented to him? Or she’ll say,

449
00:14:35,089 –> 00:14:37,250
I trust she told my therapist before when

450
00:14:37,250 –> 00:14:38,929
we were in recovery, she said, I trust

451
00:14:39,009 –> 00:14:40,329
I don’t think he’ll sleep with her, but

452
00:14:40,329 –> 00:14:42,690
I think he’s gonna flirt with her and

453
00:14:42,690 –> 00:14:45,295
enjoy a few hours of her attention. Right?

454
00:14:45,295 –> 00:14:47,475
And very inappropriate. But again, that’s all cheating.

455
00:14:47,934 –> 00:14:49,934
All that is cheating. And here’s the thing.

456
00:14:49,934 –> 00:14:51,375
If you’re still doing that, and you still

457
00:14:51,375 –> 00:14:53,774
wanna do that, you ain’t recovered either. There

458
00:14:53,774 –> 00:14:55,535
should be a line there where you don’t

459
00:14:55,535 –> 00:14:56,894
do that. And again, I think that’s why

460
00:14:56,894 –> 00:14:58,654
if we keep focusing on this being an

461
00:14:58,654 –> 00:15:00,254
addiction, and we keep focusing on all the

462
00:15:00,254 –> 00:15:00,754
sexual

463
00:15:01,480 –> 00:15:03,019
parts of it. I think it can oftentimes

464
00:15:03,080 –> 00:15:03,820
be a distraction.

465
00:15:04,120 –> 00:15:06,120
I wonder sometimes how much we’ve changed. So

466
00:15:06,120 –> 00:15:08,040
I’m on this rant only to say, and

467
00:15:08,040 –> 00:15:09,800
I know I’m gonna get crap. Everybody gets

468
00:15:09,800 –> 00:15:11,240
mad at me when I don’t call this

469
00:15:11,240 –> 00:15:14,095
an addiction. Everyone gets mad at me when

470
00:15:14,095 –> 00:15:16,335
I talk poorly about the effectiveness of twelve

471
00:15:16,335 –> 00:15:18,894
step. But you guys gotta understand, I’m not

472
00:15:18,894 –> 00:15:20,815
saying that there aren’t sex and poor addicts

473
00:15:20,815 –> 00:15:22,815
out there. There are. I’ve seen them. I’ve

474
00:15:22,815 –> 00:15:25,075
seen these men. They are addicted to it.

475
00:15:25,294 –> 00:15:26,894
And I’m not saying that twelve step doesn’t

476
00:15:26,894 –> 00:15:28,860
work. There are men who are addicted. They

477
00:15:28,860 –> 00:15:30,299
go there, they meet a bunch of guys

478
00:15:30,299 –> 00:15:31,980
that they really connect with, and then they

479
00:15:31,980 –> 00:15:33,500
get sober, and it does work for those

480
00:15:33,500 –> 00:15:34,000
guys.

481
00:15:34,379 –> 00:15:37,019
All I’m saying is there is a pretty

482
00:15:37,019 –> 00:15:38,080
damn big percentage

483
00:15:38,779 –> 00:15:41,419
that don’t find it helpful. That don’t connect

484
00:15:41,419 –> 00:15:43,735
with the guys there. That when they’re being

485
00:15:43,735 –> 00:15:46,855
treated like addicts, they’re kinda quietly quitting recovery

486
00:15:46,855 –> 00:15:48,695
and they’re like, alright. Listen. I don’t think

487
00:15:48,695 –> 00:15:49,995
what you’re saying describes

488
00:15:50,375 –> 00:15:51,034
my behavior,

489
00:15:51,414 –> 00:15:52,934
but I’m just gonna freaking go along with

490
00:15:52,934 –> 00:15:55,169
it because I’m tired of fighting with it.

491
00:15:55,169 –> 00:15:57,490
Fine. I’m an addict. Fine. I’m lusting through

492
00:15:57,490 –> 00:15:59,649
the eyes. Fine. I’m fantasized. Fine. Let’s do

493
00:15:59,649 –> 00:16:01,570
the check ins. Like, they quietly quit and

494
00:16:01,570 –> 00:16:03,809
just comply when in all reality, it’s like,

495
00:16:03,809 –> 00:16:04,309
listen.

496
00:16:04,690 –> 00:16:07,009
I am a chronic cheater. I like the

497
00:16:07,009 –> 00:16:09,009
attention of women. I like flirting and and

498
00:16:09,009 –> 00:16:11,084
sleeping with attractive women. I I like looking

499
00:16:11,084 –> 00:16:12,924
at attract I like attractive women looking at

500
00:16:12,924 –> 00:16:14,924
me, and I want to stop wanting all

501
00:16:14,924 –> 00:16:17,245
of that. That’s okay too. What’s wrong with

502
00:16:17,245 –> 00:16:19,004
that if that’s your problem? So anyways, I’m

503
00:16:19,004 –> 00:16:20,605
going on this rant just to say, what

504
00:16:20,605 –> 00:16:22,044
are we doing here? Are we trying to

505
00:16:22,044 –> 00:16:24,125
get in good recovery? Or are we trying

506
00:16:24,125 –> 00:16:25,345
to check boxes

507
00:16:25,884 –> 00:16:29,240
and label and pathologize people. I thought the

508
00:16:29,240 –> 00:16:31,259
whole point was to stop doing this.

509
00:16:32,040 –> 00:16:33,399
I thought that was the point. And I

510
00:16:33,399 –> 00:16:35,000
thought the point was to to get this

511
00:16:35,000 –> 00:16:35,899
out of your life,

512
00:16:36,279 –> 00:16:38,360
get back into integrity. So how about we

513
00:16:38,360 –> 00:16:40,120
focus on that and stop worrying about what

514
00:16:40,120 –> 00:16:41,404
we call it? Stop. How about how about

515
00:16:41,404 –> 00:16:43,725
we set up a checkbox system that actually

516
00:16:43,725 –> 00:16:46,524
delivers on the guy becoming a good man

517
00:16:46,524 –> 00:16:49,804
in alignment, in integrity, who’s safe to parent

518
00:16:49,804 –> 00:16:52,524
his kids, safe to marry his wife, this

519
00:16:52,524 –> 00:16:54,284
this trustworthy guy who has a strong moral

520
00:16:54,284 –> 00:16:55,964
compass. Why don’t we just build a plan

521
00:16:55,964 –> 00:16:57,860
to get there? And again, I think we

522
00:16:57,860 –> 00:16:59,540
need to be open to that plan looking

523
00:16:59,540 –> 00:17:01,299
different from guy to guy to guy rather

524
00:17:01,299 –> 00:17:02,980
than forcing him to go to a meeting

525
00:17:02,980 –> 00:17:04,420
of guys he doesn’t connect with, to have

526
00:17:04,420 –> 00:17:06,420
a problem he doesn’t have, to do things

527
00:17:06,420 –> 00:17:08,420
that are actually harming his recovery rather than

528
00:17:08,420 –> 00:17:11,140
benefiting his recovery half the time. Pathologizing people

529
00:17:11,140 –> 00:17:12,200
is not good.

530
00:17:12,795 –> 00:17:14,715
If the guy does not have the things

531
00:17:14,715 –> 00:17:16,634
that you are telling him he has, that

532
00:17:16,634 –> 00:17:17,855
isn’t going to backfire.

533
00:17:18,235 –> 00:17:20,075
That is not going to help him. We

534
00:17:20,075 –> 00:17:21,914
need to help. We need to figure out

535
00:17:21,914 –> 00:17:24,475
what actually went into making these series of

536
00:17:24,475 –> 00:17:27,410
poor decisions and change those things. That’s recovery.

537
00:17:27,549 –> 00:17:30,109
Not checking off crappy boxes, calling this guy

538
00:17:30,109 –> 00:17:31,630
something, and forcing him to do a bunch

539
00:17:31,630 –> 00:17:32,929
of things that are scientifically

540
00:17:33,230 –> 00:17:35,789
just not proven to be effective for the

541
00:17:35,789 –> 00:17:37,089
problem this guy has.

542
00:17:37,404 –> 00:17:39,164
This rant is supposed to be helpful. I’m

543
00:17:39,164 –> 00:17:41,565
not trying to disrupt anything. I just time

544
00:17:41,565 –> 00:17:43,404
after time after time, I’m seeing marriages fall

545
00:17:43,404 –> 00:17:44,684
apart that I don’t think should have fallen

546
00:17:44,684 –> 00:17:46,525
apart. I’m seeing guys lose custody over their

547
00:17:46,525 –> 00:17:47,025
kids

548
00:17:47,484 –> 00:17:49,244
half the time that deserve to be at

549
00:17:49,244 –> 00:17:51,839
home. These are good men. I see marriages

550
00:17:51,839 –> 00:17:54,720
become divided because she’s all insistent that he’s

551
00:17:54,720 –> 00:17:56,400
not in good recovery and he’s this addict

552
00:17:56,400 –> 00:17:57,839
and he’s not doing. And now all of

553
00:17:57,839 –> 00:17:59,519
a sudden they’re pinned against each other and

554
00:17:59,519 –> 00:18:00,740
it’s all unnecessary.

555
00:18:01,440 –> 00:18:03,119
I believe that we can just come into

556
00:18:03,119 –> 00:18:04,660
this, honor this guy’s humanity,

557
00:18:05,044 –> 00:18:06,644
figure out where he came from, where these

558
00:18:06,644 –> 00:18:09,284
decisions, and not pathologize and make this weird,

559
00:18:09,284 –> 00:18:10,424
not make this divided,

560
00:18:10,724 –> 00:18:12,585
not make this this big pathologized

561
00:18:13,204 –> 00:18:15,845
freaking problem. Let’s figure out what happened. Let’s

562
00:18:15,845 –> 00:18:17,444
create a recovery plan for it to go

563
00:18:17,444 –> 00:18:19,339
away, and let’s not put these guys into

564
00:18:19,339 –> 00:18:22,380
boxes and throw blanket treatment plans on them

565
00:18:22,380 –> 00:18:23,740
that may or may not even apply to

566
00:18:23,740 –> 00:18:25,740
them. The goal is to get into good

567
00:18:25,740 –> 00:18:27,519
recovery. Let’s focus on that.

568
00:18:28,619 –> 00:18:30,859
Thanks for listening to this episode. If you

569
00:18:30,859 –> 00:18:32,539
are a high achiever with a sex addiction

570
00:18:32,539 –> 00:18:34,345
and you’re looking for a recovery group full

571
00:18:34,345 –> 00:18:37,464
of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.

572
00:18:37,464 –> 00:18:40,265
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group

573
00:18:40,265 –> 00:18:41,565
using four day retreats,

574
00:18:41,944 –> 00:18:44,744
weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.

575
00:18:44,744 –> 00:18:46,904
If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and

576
00:18:46,904 –> 00:18:48,869
save your marriage, go to our website and

577
00:18:48,869 –> 00:18:49,769
fill out our application.

578
00:18:50,070 –> 00:18:52,549
If you enjoyed this episode, please pass it

579
00:18:52,549 –> 00:18:54,230
along to a friend in recovery who would

580
00:18:54,230 –> 00:18:56,150
benefit from listening. It is my mission to

581
00:18:56,150 –> 00:18:57,830
get this information out to as many high

582
00:18:57,830 –> 00:19:00,150
achievers as possible, and I can’t do it

583
00:19:00,150 –> 00:19:01,130
without your help.