So when we hear the word recovery, where our brains typically go is to the traditional 12 step recovery process, or the substance addiction recovery process. While recovery is the most commonly used term for people who are trying to stop unwanted behavior, and we use the same term in the sex and porn addiction space, I’m not sure if it’s actually a great term when it comes to sex and porn addiction. And this is because we’re talking about a process addiction and not a substance addiction. And so, you know, again, a lot of people say, well, Roland, this is just semantics. But you know, semantics and words definitions, they come with them an expectation, right? And this isn’t just from the addict. This can be from the betrayed partner as well, right? So when we hear the word recovery, you know, the first thing that our mind goes to is typically substance addiction, right? This these scary relapse, since this is where these people are going back to using right? And we are trying to encourage the ceasing of these behaviors, right? And so when we hear the word recovery, everyone gets quite excited because the unwanted behaviors are going to stop, right? But here’s the challenge with the sex and porn addiction being a process, addiction is recovery is different. And I say this because the expectations, and I think even just the road to recovery, the recovery process itself, looks very, very, very different than with substance addiction, you know. I think the the issue with calling this sex and porn addiction, which, you know, the DSM has denied sex addiction as a diagnosis, and I actually agree with their decision. Now, hear me out. It’s not because I don’t think that sex addiction is a thing, because it most certainly is a thing, but I don’t think it’s an addiction per se. I think you know, when you look at the word addiction, this this dependency, I don’t think a lot of these guys are dependent on nudity, porn, affairs, interactions with with women. I don’t think dependency is necessarily the word to describe it. And so I bring this up because initially, obviously, for those of you who are married, when when you betray your wife sexually, you know, and she starts to look into the recovery process. Obviously, she wants you to these behaviors should have never happened. She wants them to stop immediately. Rightfully so, right? Rightfully so. The challenge, though, is, if we’re looking at recovery in the traditional sense, right, the substance addiction sense, there is this kind of idea that the guy is going to go to a inpatient rehab facility like somebody would for a substance addiction, and that he would spend three to four to five weeks there, he would detox, and then he would leave the facility, and he would be cured, right? Just like with substance addiction, right? He would go through the detox and withdrawal process. He would delete all the drug dealers phone numbers off of his phone and maybe not associate with those crowds anymore, and he would come home a recovered man. And that is not how this goes with sex and porn addiction. I mean, there are, there are plenty of guys who get home and relapse, you know, look at porn, act out the day they come home, or the next day they come home, and this is because you can’t really go through a withdrawal and detox process when it comes to sex and porn addiction. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work the same way as substance addiction does, right? You can’t just detox from this. The truth is, sex is a biological need that is going to be in your body forever, and there’s really nothing you can do about it. Attraction is biological, and fighting someone attractive is also biological. There’s really nothing you can do about that either, right? So those two things are going to live on in you when you get out of your inpatient rehab. If that is something that you decide that you’re going to go do is participate in a inpatient rehab facility, and again, while you’re there, you’re going to learn tons of things about yourself. You’re going to learn tons of things about your past, your childhood, the different things that made you this way, and a lot of the drivers that have kind of put you in the position where you have engaged in these unwanted behaviors, right? So in no way is an inpatient experience going to be a waste of time. I myself went to treatment. I’ve gone to tons of intensives, and all of those things are very valuable in terms of teaching you about yourself, and you know where what made you get to the place that you’ve got to today. But again. It’s important to understand that the recovery process, just it looks entirely different from substance addiction. There’s really, there’s really no commonalities, right? When we look at process addiction, it’s a addiction to a thought process, and that’s going to be unique to every single guy. So unlike substance addiction, where we know if you are addicted to alcohol, we know what that does to the body, we you know, we have scientifically measured the what’s required to be able to detox and withdraw and go through that process and come out and become a sober, undependent individual. But again, that’s that’s different when we’re talking about thought processes, really recovery, when it comes to sex and porn addiction, is changing the very thought process that is driving the behavior. I mean, that’s how process diction works, right? So there’s, there’s no detox or withdrawal, the thought process needs to be changed. And that proposes a couple different challenges. One, because every single guy is addicted to a unique thought process. There really is no copy and paste, cookie cutter approach to this, you know. So, so if, if you are an addict, and you’re going to inpatient rehab facility and or, or you’re a wife listening to this, and you’re sending your husband there again, him just being there is, is no guarantee that the thought processes that need to change for the behavior to stop go away. I’ve actually seen with high achieving men, because high achieving men are actually not really addicted to sex or porn or affairs. They’re more so addicted to attention, validation, feeling powerful, respected and control, right? So, because a lot of this is driving their compulsive behavior, it’s those processes they need to change. Well, the a lot of the guys that high achieving men and successful men will be around in 12 step, they are actually addicted to a different thought process. A lot of theirs is escapism, right? They hate their life. They have a they hate themselves. They don’t have a great relationship with themselves, and so they’re using pornography or sex workers as an as a way to escape, escape their life. Well, on the on the contrary, successful men typically like their lives, right? They like that. They’re usually married to a wife who they love. They love their families. They like their jobs, their careers, you know, they have, they’re very successful. And so their lives are, you know, rich and full of experiences. And so a lot of it for them isn’t escapism. A lot of it is and not. They’re not trying to avoid things. They’re actually trying to chase things again, chasing the attention of a woman, the validation from another woman, the story that, if this woman finds you attractive, that that enhances your value or your superiority as a male, right? And so my point is, we see this wide variety in thought processes that have driven this compulsive these compulsive sexual behaviors, and it’s those very processes that need to change. And so if they’re unique to every single person, you can see how this is very difficult to just
because there’s no one program that will work. It’s a lot of trial and error. It’s a lot of, you know, the recovery process with sex and porn addiction is not a short process. By no means is any guy, and I mean, this is, by no means is any guy going to go to an inpatient rehab facility, come out and be cured. I just I that that’s not common. Relapse is actually very, very common in the sex and porn addiction space. Only 34% of men are able to maintain sobriety at five years, right? So this means that the vast majority are relapsing, and that’s because you can’t just turn off these processes. They need to be worked with. They need to be modified. A lot of them can’t be killed. You know your your need for attention, admiration, respect, you know those are very real needs. Now, do we need to work on why those needs are unmet? Do we need to work on your strategies of getting those needs met in a healthy way that’s not going to destroy your life or your marriage? Absolutely, absolutely. We need to find that but again, we’re kind of, my point of recording this episode for you guys was to show you that, you know, this really isn’t a, Hey, I’m going to stop sex stuff, I’m going to stop porn, and then I’m going to be cured, right? I’m going to detox, I’m going to take some time away from it, and then, you know, I’m never going to do these things again, again. That’s just not how process addiction works. You need to figure out what it is that you’re after by using these behaviors, and then you need to remodel those thought processes to the point where you find superior alternatives, because, again, this is how the brain works. You know, humans are very intentional creatures. They want what they want. If they want attention, validation and respect, they’re going to get it. And if you can’t give it a viable substitute over attention from women, your brain is going to keep going to that over and over again. Many of you guys in recovery know what I’m talking about, right? You’re sober, you’re not doing the stuff, but you’re not recovered. You still want to do the stuff, right? And so this is where, this is where process addiction and even the. Word recovery when we’re talking about sex and porn addiction needs to be kind of redefined. You know, the way that I encourage men to look at recovery is, let’s just wipe that word all together. Let’s call it self mastery, the mastery of self because sexual, unwanted sexual behaviors happen in an environment, in a thought process in a brain that allows them to happen, right? That’s the truth. Like when a guy makes the decision to relapse, makes the decision to cheat, he’s he’s using his brain to make that decision and and he’s going through it because at the time, it was worth the risk, it was worth the sacrifice, it was it was worth losing his marriage at that time. But again, we need to go through these processes and master self right? If you’re really after attention, respect and admiration, we need to go through and this is why I like to call it self mastery and not recovery. Is rather than focusing on stopping the unwanted behaviors, let’s go back and actually look through, what is the brain wanting? What am I chasing? What am I after? Right? It’s the mastery of self. It’s the mastery of your decision making skills. So that you are actually creating a life that’s going to leave the legacy that you want to leave, right? You’re creating a way of thinking, a way of being, a way of conducting yourself that you’re proud of. And I promise you, if you do that guys who live intentionally do not engage in unwanted sexual behavior. All of this happens unconscious, unconsciously in an unintentionally created environment. So take home message, rather than using the word recovery and trying to overcome this addiction or beat this addiction, change that look at this as a self mastery process. Because, again, if you can master self, if you can intentionally create a life that allows you to show up in the way that you want to show up, think the thoughts that you want to think, right, engage in behaviors that make you proud of yourselves, behaviors that you don’t have to hide from your spouse. That’s intentional living, and that, to me, is what we should be calling, this self mastery, intentionally living, rather than recovery, right, shifting the focus towards being more and showing up in a way that you’re proud of, rather than having the emphasis being not doing activities that you don’t want to do.